Poll

Which is you:

Want to have kids
15 (18.5%)
Don't want to have kids
34 (42%)
Already Have kids
32 (39.5%)

Total Members Voted: 81

Author Topic: Do you want kids, don't want to have kids or have kids  (Read 3206 times)

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Offline Dublagent66

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Re: Do you want kids, don't want to have kids or have kids
« Reply #70 on: July 17, 2017, 03:47:20 PM »
Where's the option for people who already have kids but don't want them?

It's right in between options "should've thought of that before not pulling out" and "don't have any that I know of".   :rollin
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Offline Cable

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Re: Do you want kids, don't want to have kids or have kids
« Reply #71 on: July 17, 2017, 05:51:38 PM »
Not anymore, that boat has sailed for a handful of reasons.

When I date someone, I envision them having kid(s). And that would be just fine, already enough kids without dads in the world.
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Offline Lynxo

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Re: Do you want kids, don't want to have kids or have kids
« Reply #72 on: August 01, 2017, 07:41:50 AM »
Don't have kids, don't want them, don't ever want them. For several reasons.

That being said, I have the utmost of respect for people that do and make good, honest, happy people out of them. But it's just not for me. My sister has two children and I love them both to death, but that's really easy to do when you're just a weird uncle. :)
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Offline OpenYourEyes311

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Re: Do you want kids, don't want to have kids or have kids
« Reply #73 on: August 08, 2017, 10:48:46 AM »
I just had my first kid a little over 6 months ago. With the exception of my wife, he is by far my favorite person I've ever met. He is so fun to hang out with, and it's a blast watching him learn. I'm hoping we have at least one, preferably two, more kids. But I'd be satisfied with this one, because I can't see it getting any better than him.

Offline gmillerdrake

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Re: Do you want kids, don't want to have kids or have kids
« Reply #74 on: August 08, 2017, 12:26:32 PM »
I just had my first kid a little over 6 months ago. With the exception of my wife, he is by far my favorite person I've ever met. He is so fun to hang out with, and it's a blast watching him learn. I'm hoping we have at least one, preferably two, more kids. But I'd be satisfied with this one, because I can't see it getting any better than him.

I completely understand this sentiment but I can tell you from personal experience that if you were to have more children each would hold a special place in your heart....that the feeling you have for your first born is certainly unique to them....but there is a similar yet unique feeling for any additional child you may have. So I wouldn't let that deter you from having more....if that's the reason.
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Offline OpenYourEyes311

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Re: Do you want kids, don't want to have kids or have kids
« Reply #75 on: August 08, 2017, 01:53:27 PM »
I just had my first kid a little over 6 months ago. With the exception of my wife, he is by far my favorite person I've ever met. He is so fun to hang out with, and it's a blast watching him learn. I'm hoping we have at least one, preferably two, more kids. But I'd be satisfied with this one, because I can't see it getting any better than him.

I completely understand this sentiment but I can tell you from personal experience that if you were to have more children each would hold a special place in your heart....that the feeling you have for your first born is certainly unique to them....but there is a similar yet unique feeling for any additional child you may have. So I wouldn't let that deter you from having more....if that's the reason.

Oh believe me, if we're physically able to, we'll be having more kids. And I know I'll love them all. I was just saying I'd be satisfied if we were unable to have any more.

Offline gmillerdrake

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Re: Do you want kids, don't want to have kids or have kids
« Reply #76 on: August 08, 2017, 01:58:07 PM »
I just had my first kid a little over 6 months ago. With the exception of my wife, he is by far my favorite person I've ever met. He is so fun to hang out with, and it's a blast watching him learn. I'm hoping we have at least one, preferably two, more kids. But I'd be satisfied with this one, because I can't see it getting any better than him.

I completely understand this sentiment but I can tell you from personal experience that if you were to have more children each would hold a special place in your heart....that the feeling you have for your first born is certainly unique to them....but there is a similar yet unique feeling for any additional child you may have. So I wouldn't let that deter you from having more....if that's the reason.

Oh believe me, if we're physically able to, we'll be having more kids. And I know I'll love them all. I was just saying I'd be satisfied if we were unable to have any more.

Gotcha  :tup
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Offline TAC

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Re: Do you want kids, don't want to have kids or have kids
« Reply #77 on: August 09, 2017, 05:54:41 PM »
I just had my first kid a little over 6 months ago. 

Congrats Kev!
would have thought the same thing but seeing the OP was TAC i immediately thought Maiden or DT related
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Offline mikeyd23

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Re: Do you want kids, don't want to have kids or have kids
« Reply #78 on: August 10, 2017, 10:10:13 AM »
Something my wife and I have been struggling with lately, well maybe struggling is too strong of a word, debating perhaps - that I'd like you guys to weigh in on.

We have a daughter, she turned two in May. She's great, she's awesome, we love everything about her. Before her, my wife and I always said we wanted two or three kids. With my daughter the age she is, we have started discussing trying to have another child. The thing is though - if we are both honest with each other, neither of us really feel like we 100% want another kid. It, to a degree, makes us feel selfish and makes us feel like we might be robbing our daughter of the opportunity to have brothers and/or sisters.

The flip side though, is that unless we really both want another child, I'm not into trying. I think it would be unfair to that child. Sure, we'd still love that kid just like we love our daughter now, but there'd be a little part somewhere in both of us that wasn't happy about the decision at least at this point.

So I'm not sure what we are going to do, we have friends getting pregnant and having babies all around us and it kinda makes it worse. I realize this problem is no where near some who struggle to ever get pregnant and this issue might seem silly, but we are really conflicted about it. We always assumed we would have more than one child, now we are questioning something we kinda took for granted.

Offline Chino

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Re: Do you want kids, don't want to have kids or have kids
« Reply #79 on: August 10, 2017, 10:27:03 AM »
Something my wife and I have been struggling with lately, well maybe struggling is too strong of a word, debating perhaps - that I'd like you guys to weigh in on.

We have a daughter, she turned two in May. She's great, she's awesome, we love everything about her. Before her, my wife and I always said we wanted two or three kids. With my daughter the age she is, we have started discussing trying to have another child. The thing is though - if we are both honest with each other, neither of us really feel like we 100% want another kid. It, to a degree, makes us feel selfish and makes us feel like we might be robbing our daughter of the opportunity to have brothers and/or sisters.

The flip side though, is that unless we really both want another child, I'm not into trying. I think it would be unfair to that child. Sure, we'd still love that kid just like we love our daughter now, but there'd be a little part somewhere in both of us that wasn't happy about the decision at least at this point.

So I'm not sure what we are going to do, we have friends getting pregnant and having babies all around us and it kinda makes it worse. I realize this problem is no where near some who struggle to ever get pregnant and this issue might seem silly, but we are really conflicted about it. We always assumed we would have more than one child, now we are questioning something we kinda took for granted.

I'd sit on it for a while. You have plenty of time. Give it another year and see how you feel about it then.

Offline Grappler

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Re: Do you want kids, don't want to have kids or have kids
« Reply #80 on: August 10, 2017, 10:45:33 AM »
Something my wife and I have been struggling with lately, well maybe struggling is too strong of a word, debating perhaps - that I'd like you guys to weigh in on.

We have a daughter, she turned two in May. She's great, she's awesome, we love everything about her. Before her, my wife and I always said we wanted two or three kids. With my daughter the age she is, we have started discussing trying to have another child. The thing is though - if we are both honest with each other, neither of us really feel like we 100% want another kid. It, to a degree, makes us feel selfish and makes us feel like we might be robbing our daughter of the opportunity to have brothers and/or sisters.

The flip side though, is that unless we really both want another child, I'm not into trying. I think it would be unfair to that child. Sure, we'd still love that kid just like we love our daughter now, but there'd be a little part somewhere in both of us that wasn't happy about the decision at least at this point.

So I'm not sure what we are going to do, we have friends getting pregnant and having babies all around us and it kinda makes it worse. I realize this problem is no where near some who struggle to ever get pregnant and this issue might seem silly, but we are really conflicted about it. We always assumed we would have more than one child, now we are questioning something we kinda took for granted.

My brother in law's kids are 7 years apart.  They likely waited due to financial reasons and not being able to afford two young kids at the same time.  Nobody says that you have to have them spaced evenly apart. 

What changed my wife's mind about wanting a second kid was going through a family health ordeal.  Her dad became very, very ill and her extended family can be suffocating when it comes to his health.  So she was able to rely on her brother to help defend and deflect the various aunts and cousins, and to split various duties.  She realized that she didn't want our daughter to have to deal with things alone when we are older. 

Offline cfmoran13

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Re: Do you want kids, don't want to have kids or have kids
« Reply #81 on: August 10, 2017, 10:50:25 AM »
Something my wife and I have been struggling with lately, well maybe struggling is too strong of a word, debating perhaps - that I'd like you guys to weigh in on.

We have a daughter, she turned two in May. She's great, she's awesome, we love everything about her. Before her, my wife and I always said we wanted two or three kids. With my daughter the age she is, we have started discussing trying to have another child. The thing is though - if we are both honest with each other, neither of us really feel like we 100% want another kid. It, to a degree, makes us feel selfish and makes us feel like we might be robbing our daughter of the opportunity to have brothers and/or sisters.

The flip side though, is that unless we really both want another child, I'm not into trying. I think it would be unfair to that child. Sure, we'd still love that kid just like we love our daughter now, but there'd be a little part somewhere in both of us that wasn't happy about the decision at least at this point.

So I'm not sure what we are going to do, we have friends getting pregnant and having babies all around us and it kinda makes it worse. I realize this problem is no where near some who struggle to ever get pregnant and this issue might seem silly, but we are really conflicted about it. We always assumed we would have more than one child, now we are questioning something we kinda took for granted.
The beginning of what you said is my situation exactly.  When I got married, I wanted 2, my wife wanted 3.  We had our daughter 10 years ago.  She was a great baby, very easy compared to other kids I've seen.  That being said, circumstances required me to take a more active part in the day-to-day early on.  It was tough at times.  Other people have had it way worse.  But, I still found it tough. 

When our daughter reached 3 or 4, my wife wanted another.  I didn't want another.  I felt I wouldn't be able to handle it - financially, emotionally.  It got really bad between the two of us for a while.  Fortunately, we worked through it.  We simply can't do it financially.  Day care, diapers and everything else all over again.  Things get difficult with just our daughter.

My wife still has issues with it.  But, she knows it wouldn't be a responsible thing to do.  It's just hard trying to decide if you're hurting your kid by not having another.  Will he/she be "that" kid - the only child with all the weird social quirks?  Is she missing out?

Bottom line is we're doing the best we can for her.  She doesn't have a sibling.  But, that means we get to spend all our love, attention and money (birthdays, Christmas, vacations) on her.  The cool thing is she gets that.  She seems like a really well-adjusted kid.  So, we just hope she stays that way.

Hope everything works out for you.

Offline mikeyd23

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Re: Do you want kids, don't want to have kids or have kids
« Reply #82 on: August 10, 2017, 11:30:17 AM »
I'd sit on it for a while. You have plenty of time. Give it another year and see how you feel about it then.

For sure, it's weird because we aren't really in a rush, but we somehow feel pressure (totally self -inflicted) to make a decision sooner rather than later anyway. It's also weird because my wife and I are both independent thinkers that usually don't let any societal pressures influence decisions we make about our own lives, but for some reason with this one thing we let outside pressures creep in.

My brother in law's kids are 7 years apart.  They likely waited due to financial reasons and not being able to afford two young kids at the same time.  Nobody says that you have to have them spaced evenly apart. 

What changed my wife's mind about wanting a second kid was going through a family health ordeal.  Her dad became very, very ill and her extended family can be suffocating when it comes to his health.  So she was able to rely on her brother to help defend and deflect the various aunts and cousins, and to split various duties.  She realized that she didn't want our daughter to have to deal with things alone when we are older. 

That's a good point, and one I honestly hadn't considered. I guess there are many life events that sharing with a sibling could ease pressures. Then again, there are many that are probably more stressful due to siblings. Still though, something I hadn't specifically considered.

The beginning of what you said is my situation exactly.  When I got married, I wanted 2, my wife wanted 3.  We had our daughter 10 years ago.  She was a great baby, very easy compared to other kids I've seen.  That being said, circumstances required me to take a more active part in the day-to-day early on.  It was tough at times.  Other people have had it way worse.  But, I still found it tough. 

When our daughter reached 3 or 4, my wife wanted another.  I didn't want another.  I felt I wouldn't be able to handle it - financially, emotionally.  It got really bad between the two of us for a while.  Fortunately, we worked through it.  We simply can't do it financially.  Day care, diapers and everything else all over again.  Things get difficult with just our daughter.

My wife still has issues with it.  But, she knows it wouldn't be a responsible thing to do.  It's just hard trying to decide if you're hurting your kid by not having another.  Will he/she be "that" kid - the only child with all the weird social quirks?  Is she missing out?

Bottom line is we're doing the best we can for her.  She doesn't have a sibling.  But, that means we get to spend all our love, attention and money (birthdays, Christmas, vacations) on her.  The cool thing is she gets that.  She seems like a really well-adjusted kid.  So, we just hope she stays that way.

Hope everything works out for you.

Good stuff man, thanks for sharing. One of the things I'm most concerned with through all this is my wife and I's relationship. I don't want to make a decision one way or the other that will damage our relationship. That's tough for a variety of reasons, but important, no question.

The financial aspect is also in play for us. Kids are just super expensive, period. That is definitely a factor.

Offline cfmoran13

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Re: Do you want kids, don't want to have kids or have kids
« Reply #83 on: August 10, 2017, 11:47:00 AM »


What changed my wife's mind about wanting a second kid was going through a family health ordeal.  Her dad became very, very ill and her extended family can be suffocating when it comes to his health.  So she was able to rely on her brother to help defend and deflect the various aunts and cousins, and to split various duties.  She realized that she didn't want our daughter to have to deal with things alone when we are older. 

That's a good point, and one I honestly hadn't considered. I guess there are many life events that sharing with a sibling could ease pressures. Then again, there are many that are probably more stressful due to siblings. Still though, something I hadn't specifically considered.

This is also something my wife thinks about.  I can't help but think she won't be alone.  She has cousins, uncles and aunts that she's pretty close with.
The beginning of what you said is my situation exactly.  When I got married, I wanted 2, my wife wanted 3.  We had our daughter 10 years ago.  She was a great baby, very easy compared to other kids I've seen.  That being said, circumstances required me to take a more active part in the day-to-day early on.  It was tough at times.  Other people have had it way worse.  But, I still found it tough. 

When our daughter reached 3 or 4, my wife wanted another.  I didn't want another.  I felt I wouldn't be able to handle it - financially, emotionally.  It got really bad between the two of us for a while.  Fortunately, we worked through it.  We simply can't do it financially.  Day care, diapers and everything else all over again.  Things get difficult with just our daughter.

My wife still has issues with it.  But, she knows it wouldn't be a responsible thing to do.  It's just hard trying to decide if you're hurting your kid by not having another.  Will he/she be "that" kid - the only child with all the weird social quirks?  Is she missing out?

Bottom line is we're doing the best we can for her.  She doesn't have a sibling.  But, that means we get to spend all our love, attention and money (birthdays, Christmas, vacations) on her.  The cool thing is she gets that.  She seems like a really well-adjusted kid.  So, we just hope she stays that way.

Hope everything works out for you.

Good stuff man, thanks for sharing. One of the things I'm most concerned with through all this is my wife and I's relationship. I don't want to make a decision one way or the other that will damage our relationship. That's tough for a variety of reasons, but important, no question.

The financial aspect is also in play for us. Kids are just super expensive, period. That is definitely a factor.
We actually ended up going to counseling to work through it.  I wasn't sure if things were gonna work out for a while.  But, since then, other financial crises have come our way somewhat reinforcing the notion that we made the responsible choice.

Offline Stadler

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Re: Do you want kids, don't want to have kids or have kids
« Reply #84 on: August 10, 2017, 12:30:46 PM »
As the father of a single child, let me tell you that the worries - that she will be "that kid" or that she won't be able to "deal when we all get older" are as much up to you as to her.   

We moved a lot, and at one point, she went to four different schools four years in a row.   She got REALLY good about meeting new people and forging relationships.   Yeah, there are times on vacation where it would be nice if there was another kid there to occupy her time, but if the worst thing I have to do is go down the water slide once or twice more, well, those are first world problems.   

As for "when we get old", well, that's a big assumption, no?   She won't have a partner?  A wider familial network?   Maybe kids of her own to help?   A neighborhood?   It takes a village, for real, but that "village" need not be "brothers and sisters".   

I think the choice is yours, and there is no right answer given that you are willing to accept the consequences.   Trust your judgment and your (mutual, this is not a solo decision) emotional reaction to the idea.   You certainly will not be producing the only "single child" in the planet's history. 

Offline mikeyd23

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Re: Do you want kids, don't want to have kids or have kids
« Reply #85 on: August 10, 2017, 01:36:05 PM »
As the father of a single child, let me tell you that the worries - that she will be "that kid" or that she won't be able to "deal when we all get older" are as much up to you as to her.   

We moved a lot, and at one point, she went to four different schools four years in a row.   She got REALLY good about meeting new people and forging relationships.   Yeah, there are times on vacation where it would be nice if there was another kid there to occupy her time, but if the worst thing I have to do is go down the water slide once or twice more, well, those are first world problems.   

As for "when we get old", well, that's a big assumption, no?   She won't have a partner?  A wider familial network?   Maybe kids of her own to help?   A neighborhood?   It takes a village, for real, but that "village" need not be "brothers and sisters".   

I think the choice is yours, and there is no right answer given that you are willing to accept the consequences.   Trust your judgment and your (mutual, this is not a solo decision) emotional reaction to the idea.   You certainly will not be producing the only "single child" in the planet's history. 

Good post Stads, thanks for the advice. I really do appreciate it.

Offline MoraWintersoul

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Re: Do you want kids, don't want to have kids or have kids
« Reply #86 on: August 11, 2017, 08:47:34 AM »
I'm a fencesitter.

My husband would like children in the next three or four years because he doesn't wanna be an "old dad". I'm only 25 now and I really appreciate freedom of movement and planning and life changes and the ability to fuck up and only have it affecting me. Being depressed, I feel like I will be fucking up a lot until I figure out treatment and meds and all of that. At the same time, my husband said that he doesn't wanna be in a childfree marriage longterm, and I know it's a life experience people regret not having, so I'm on board with it, just having many doubts.

We recently moved to Scandinavia and plan on living here, and I love living here but everything about expat life with children gives me panic, as well. I am going to be that mom who lugs her two kids on intracontinental flights at least twice a year. I'm gonna be that mom whose in-laws live in the same house as her for extended amounts of time because otherwise they'll get to see their grandkids twice a year. The culture here is different and I wonder what I would teach my kids to make sure they're successful. It's going to be extremely difficult and I'll have nothing from my childhood to fall back on.

Plus there's all the personal health reasons. I think it's fairly easier for a man to desire to have genetic offspring because you won't have to be pregnant, go through delivery, breastfeeding and all the freaky changes that happen to even the healthiest pregnancies, literally everything about you can change, or stop functioning, or tear and stretch beyond recognition, pregnancy can trigger a number of horrible autoimmune diseases, PPD or PPP... the list is endless.

I have decided to work out all these fears with a therapist. Rationally, I know that if I ever want to have kids, this is my chance to do so. But it's so weird figuring out what you want when you don't know how your ideal life should look like in the first place, let alone if it's possible with kids.

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Offline cfmoran13

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Re: Do you want kids, don't want to have kids or have kids
« Reply #87 on: August 11, 2017, 09:29:41 AM »
I'm a fencesitter.

My husband would like children in the next three or four years because he doesn't wanna be an "old dad". I'm only 25 now and I really appreciate freedom of movement and planning and life changes and the ability to fuck up and only have it affecting me. Being depressed, I feel like I will be fucking up a lot until I figure out treatment and meds and all of that. At the same time, my husband said that he doesn't wanna be in a childfree marriage longterm, and I know it's a life experience people regret not having, so I'm on board with it, just having many doubts.
Just to make you feel a little better about things.  My wife was on meds for bipolar prior to getting pregnant.  Obviously, she had to get off the meds during her pregnancy.  She still says her months of pregnancy was the best she felt for the five or six years before or after her pregnancy.

Offline Chino

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Re: Do you want kids, don't want to have kids or have kids
« Reply #88 on: August 11, 2017, 09:41:54 AM »
I'm a fencesitter.

My husband would like children in the next three or four years because he doesn't wanna be an "old dad".

I find me wanting kids sooner than later has less to do with me being an old dad and more to do with my kids having time with their grandparents. I never met one grandfather and had the other die when I was 12. I would have given anything to have been able to have an adult conversation with either of them. Even if I had a kid tomorrow, my parents would be in their early 80s by the time the kid turned 18. Not to mention, having grandparents still with it enough to take care of the grandkids if need be is a huge plus.

Offline El Barto

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Re: Do you want kids, don't want to have kids or have kids
« Reply #89 on: August 11, 2017, 12:04:07 PM »
I'm a fencesitter.

My husband would like children in the next three or four years because he doesn't wanna be an "old dad".

I find me wanting kids sooner than later has less to do with me being an old dad and more to do with my kids having time with their grandparents. I never met one grandfather and had the other die when I was 12. I would have given anything to have been able to have an adult conversation with either of them. Even if I had a kid tomorrow, my parents would be in their early 80s by the time the kid turned 18. Not to mention, having grandparents still with it enough to take care of the grandkids if need be is a huge plus.
That's an interesting take. From my standpoint being a grandparent is more philosophic than genetic. In my case paternal grampa died 20 years before I was born. Maternal grandad got thrown out of the house (literally, granny was a big woman) 10 years before I was born. I met him once when I was about 17. Yet I still had a couple of grandads and a couple of the cool uncle types. Grampa Tom taught me how to shingle a roof when I was four or five. Marvin taught me how to change drum and disk brakes when I was 10 or 11 (and cuss like a career marine drill sergeant while doing so). The lack of shared DNA didn't make either of them less of a grandfather.
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Offline OpenYourEyes311

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Re: Do you want kids, don't want to have kids or have kids
« Reply #90 on: August 14, 2017, 07:58:10 AM »
I just had my first kid a little over 6 months ago. 

Congrats Kev!

Thanks Tim!

I find me wanting kids sooner than later has less to do with me being an old dad and more to do with my kids having time with their grandparents. I never met one grandfather and had the other die when I was 12. I would have given anything to have been able to have an adult conversation with either of them. Even if I had a kid tomorrow, my parents would be in their early 80s by the time the kid turned 18. Not to mention, having grandparents still with it enough to take care of the grandkids if need be is a huge plus.

This is big for me. Unfortunately, my father died 2 weeks after my wedding, so my son and him will not ever get to meet each other. Makes me very sad. And now my wife is on the outs with her parents, so I'm trying everything in my power to get them to reconcile so that my kid has at least ONE grandfather in his life. Time will tell, I guess.

Offline BeardedGentlemanHistorian

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Re: Do you want kids, don't want to have kids or have kids
« Reply #91 on: August 14, 2017, 01:41:32 PM »
Something my wife and I have been struggling with lately, well maybe struggling is too strong of a word, debating perhaps - that I'd like you guys to weigh in on.

We have a daughter, she turned two in May. She's great, she's awesome, we love everything about her. Before her, my wife and I always said we wanted two or three kids. With my daughter the age she is, we have started discussing trying to have another child. The thing is though - if we are both honest with each other, neither of us really feel like we 100% want another kid. It, to a degree, makes us feel selfish and makes us feel like we might be robbing our daughter of the opportunity to have brothers and/or sisters.

The flip side though, is that unless we really both want another child, I'm not into trying. I think it would be unfair to that child. Sure, we'd still love that kid just like we love our daughter now, but there'd be a little part somewhere in both of us that wasn't happy about the decision at least at this point.

So I'm not sure what we are going to do, we have friends getting pregnant and having babies all around us and it kinda makes it worse. I realize this problem is no where near some who struggle to ever get pregnant and this issue might seem silly, but we are really conflicted about it. We always assumed we would have more than one child, now we are questioning something we kinda took for granted.


My wife and I got married in December 2003. We were young, I was 21 and she was 20. Both of us knew we wanted at least one child and our oldest daughter was born in October 2005, shortly before my 23rd birthday. When she turned one we both decided to have another. Our second was born in 2008.

After a while my wife mentioned wanting a third. Both of us gave the idea very serious thought. We were fortunate. We live in a city with a decent cost of living, we both have full time jobs and our parents are fairly young for grandparents. Mine were mid 50's, hers early 50's. We went for it and had a third in early 2010 and, about two years later, an unplanned but very happy fourth in late 2011. Our fifth is due next March.

It's not selfish of you to not want another kid unless you feel 100% sure about it. It's not silly to feel conflicted about it, either. It's a very big decision and both you and your wife are being responsible for not rushing into things. I hope things work out for you.

Offline MoraWintersoul

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Re: Do you want kids, don't want to have kids or have kids
« Reply #92 on: August 15, 2017, 08:45:38 AM »
I'm a fencesitter.

My husband would like children in the next three or four years because he doesn't wanna be an "old dad".

I find me wanting kids sooner than later has less to do with me being an old dad and more to do with my kids having time with their grandparents. I never met one grandfather and had the other die when I was 12. I would have given anything to have been able to have an adult conversation with either of them. Even if I had a kid tomorrow, my parents would be in their early 80s by the time the kid turned 18. Not to mention, having grandparents still with it enough to take care of the grandkids if need be is a huge plus.
Yeah, I can understand that. My mom and dad had me relatively late in life, and men in my family tend to die early - I never met my grandfathers, and my dad has been dead for several years. I really appreciate my mom's aunt, she's like my honorary grandma, and often I wonder if I would have appreciated any of my grandfathers in the same way.

A year ago, mom had a serious stint at the hospital and that was the first time I felt a small twinge of desire to maybe someday raise a kid. I was sleeping in her room because I needed to wake up extremely early to walk our dog. I woke up on the couch she sleeps on with the TV on, put on my glasses, her hoodie, her coat and her boots, put the lead on the dog, walked past the mirror and I saw her in my reflection. All day long I had flashbacks of places we went and things we did when I was small.

Genes and families are so fucking weird, man.

We have a daughter, she turned two in May. She's great, she's awesome, we love everything about her. Before her, my wife and I always said we wanted two or three kids. With my daughter the age she is, we have started discussing trying to have another child. The thing is though - if we are both honest with each other, neither of us really feel like we 100% want another kid. It, to a degree, makes us feel selfish and makes us feel like we might be robbing our daughter of the opportunity to have brothers and/or sisters.
I have both a brother and a sister and I do feel richer for having them. Having said that, you should have as many children as you can take. I honestly don't know any person who held a grudge against their parents for not giving them a brother or a sister - many single children I know have went on to form close relationships with friends and cousins and they appreciate the extra attention they got from their parents, and aren't worse for it.

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Offline Nick

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Re: Do you want kids, don't want to have kids or have kids
« Reply #93 on: August 15, 2017, 08:55:11 AM »
I have always left open the possibility of a child later in life, but right now I absolutely do not want one. And while there are a few close friends and family with kids I like or tolerate, in most cases I don't like being around children. I am also constantly annoyed by the public and private push to have kids.

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Offline Stadler

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Re: Do you want kids, don't want to have kids or have kids
« Reply #94 on: August 15, 2017, 09:03:36 AM »
I am going to be that mom who lugs her two kids on intracontinental flights at least twice a year.
I'm gonna be that mom whose in-laws live in the same house as her for extended amounts of time because otherwise they'll get to see their grandkids twice a year.

No judgment, but why are either of those bad?   I let my kid fly by herself at I think 9 was the first time, to Florida, to spend the summer with my parents.   It's an experience for her, and now she is so comfortable flying, she is often the one helping others who aren't so calm.   

As for parents in the house, again, I'm not sure why that is bad?  It takes a village as we have seen, and for all your fears abuot "what do I teach them?" now you have four people's experiences - good and bad - to call on to teach your children.

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Plus there's all the personal health reasons. I think it's fairly easier for a man to desire to have genetic offspring because you won't have to be pregnant, go through delivery, breastfeeding and all the freaky changes that happen to even the healthiest pregnancies, literally everything about you can change, or stop functioning, or tear and stretch beyond recognition, pregnancy can trigger a number of horrible autoimmune diseases, PPD or PPP... the list is endless.

As a new grandfather, I was just talking about this with my wife;  I don't think there is anything as brutal on the human body as pregnancy.  Having said that, you will not be the first to go through this.  It's tough, no question, and it's certainly a hard thing to get to grips with, but to me this is largely fear of the unknown rather than any substantive "I am going to [insert this]" type fear.

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I have decided to work out all these fears with a therapist. Rationally, I know that if I ever want to have kids, this is my chance to do so. But it's so weird figuring out what you want when you don't know how your ideal life should look like in the first place, let alone if it's possible with kids.

Good call with the therapist.  Hopefully they will tell you to be kind to yourself.   What is an "ideal" life?  Man plans and God laughs.  To a large degree (and ironically, kids helped me with this) the live you live is the ideal life, because it's the only one you have. 

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Re: Do you want kids, don't want to have kids or have kids
« Reply #95 on: August 15, 2017, 04:14:32 PM »
I'll be a parent as soon as Stadler starts being honest with himself.

I'm waiting for you baby.
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Offline Stadler

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Re: Do you want kids, don't want to have kids or have kids
« Reply #96 on: August 16, 2017, 05:31:49 AM »
I'll be a parent as soon as Stadler starts being honest with himself.

I'm waiting for you baby.

I'm sorry? 

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Re: Do you want kids, don't want to have kids or have kids
« Reply #97 on: August 16, 2017, 06:21:49 AM »
I'll be a parent as soon as Stadler starts being honest with himself.

I'm waiting for you baby.

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Offline MoraWintersoul

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Re: Do you want kids, don't want to have kids or have kids
« Reply #98 on: August 16, 2017, 07:27:37 AM »
No judgment, but why are either of those bad?   I let my kid fly by herself at I think 9 was the first time, to Florida, to spend the summer with my parents.   It's an experience for her, and now she is so comfortable flying, she is often the one helping others who aren't so calm.   

As for parents in the house, again, I'm not sure why that is bad?  It takes a village as we have seen, and for all your fears abuot "what do I teach them?" now you have four people's experiences - good and bad - to call on to teach your children.

As a new grandfather, I was just talking about this with my wife;  I don't think there is anything as brutal on the human body as pregnancy.  Having said that, you will not be the first to go through this.  It's tough, no question, and it's certainly a hard thing to get to grips with, but to me this is largely fear of the unknown rather than any substantive "I am going to [insert this]" type fear.

Good call with the therapist.  Hopefully they will tell you to be kind to yourself.   What is an "ideal" life?  Man plans and God laughs.  To a large degree (and ironically, kids helped me with this) the live you live is the ideal life, because it's the only one you have.
There's nothing wrong with those experiences, but when I think of the bad that will come with the good, those are the first experiences I think of. I try to not even think about the child getting born seriously ill, or my husband dying leaving me to raise our kids all by myself.

I always laugh when my girlfriends say that they could never imagine going into the hospital to have a baby because it's a serious deal, because I know most of us will have at least one major surgery in their lives and we won't get a baby out of it. At the same time, you know, even if I could feel no pain at all with the epidural administered immediately (highly unlikely), who wants stitches in their privates, an injection to their spine, and blood clots shooting out of them for weeks afterwards?  ;D

Congrats on the new grandbaby! I always imagined you were in your early fourties so now I'm confused but happy for you :biggrin:

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Don't try to BS Milena about Kevin Moore facts, she will obscure quote you in the face.
You consistently make so much sense, and express yourself so eloquently, that I've decided you're basically a female version of robwebster.

Offline Stadler

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Re: Do you want kids, don't want to have kids or have kids
« Reply #99 on: August 16, 2017, 08:05:07 AM »
No judgment, but why are either of those bad?   I let my kid fly by herself at I think 9 was the first time, to Florida, to spend the summer with my parents.   It's an experience for her, and now she is so comfortable flying, she is often the one helping others who aren't so calm.   

As for parents in the house, again, I'm not sure why that is bad?  It takes a village as we have seen, and for all your fears abuot "what do I teach them?" now you have four people's experiences - good and bad - to call on to teach your children.

As a new grandfather, I was just talking about this with my wife;  I don't think there is anything as brutal on the human body as pregnancy.  Having said that, you will not be the first to go through this.  It's tough, no question, and it's certainly a hard thing to get to grips with, but to me this is largely fear of the unknown rather than any substantive "I am going to [insert this]" type fear.

Good call with the therapist.  Hopefully they will tell you to be kind to yourself.   What is an "ideal" life?  Man plans and God laughs.  To a large degree (and ironically, kids helped me with this) the live you live is the ideal life, because it's the only one you have.
There's nothing wrong with those experiences, but when I think of the bad that will come with the good, those are the first experiences I think of. I try to not even think about the child getting born seriously ill, or my husband dying leaving me to raise our kids all by myself.

I always laugh when my girlfriends say that they could never imagine going into the hospital to have a baby because it's a serious deal, because I know most of us will have at least one major surgery in their lives and we won't get a baby out of it. At the same time, you know, even if I could feel no pain at all with the epidural administered immediately (highly unlikely), who wants stitches in their privates, an injection to their spine, and blood clots shooting out of them for weeks afterwards?  ;D

Congrats on the new grandbaby! I always imagined you were in your early fourties so now I'm confused but happy for you :biggrin:

You're not far off.   I'm 49, my wife is 43, but she had her son relatively early.  He's 23. 

Like I said, no judgment whatsoever.  Nothing you said is wrong, per se.  I think it's just a balance that everyone does.  What's better?  What's worse? 

Offline Phoenix87x

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Re: Do you want kids, don't want to have kids or have kids
« Reply #100 on: August 16, 2017, 02:03:42 PM »
I consider myself very lucky to not have to worry about the biological clock. I'm 30 and am now just finally starting to get my shit together.

I've only just graduated school and won't even be financially stable till like 34. And I definitely don't want to have a child till I have my finances under control. If I wasn't a guy, I would feel super pressured and anxious if I would want a child.
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Re: Do you want kids, don't want to have kids or have kids
« Reply #101 on: August 16, 2017, 02:20:01 PM »
I'll be a parent as soon as Stadler starts being honest with himself.

I'm waiting for you baby.

I'm sorry?

My heart will only wait so long Stady.
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Offline Gromit1710

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Re: Do you want kids, don't want to have kids or have kids
« Reply #102 on: August 18, 2017, 01:06:18 PM »
Not having them. Ever.

Just got snipped a couple weeks ago to never have to worry about it again or use Birth control measures with my wife. We've been together for over a decade. We never planned on having them or ever wanted them.

Dunno why I didn't do this long ago. Still on the "cleaning out" phase of the procedure. Can't wait to throw the condoms away for good.

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Re: Do you want kids, don't want to have kids or have kids
« Reply #103 on: August 18, 2017, 01:22:31 PM »
I am also constantly annoyed by the public and private push to have kids.


Unfortunately, there are a lot of people out there with nothing better to do than pontificate about how they think other people should live their lives.

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Re: Do you want kids, don't want to have kids or have kids
« Reply #104 on: August 18, 2017, 03:32:06 PM »
I consider myself very lucky to not have to worry about the biological clock. I'm 30 and am now just finally starting to get my shit together.

I've only just graduated school and won't even be financially stable till like 34. And I definitely don't want to have a child till I have my finances under control. If I wasn't a guy, I would feel super pressured and anxious if I would want a child.

The only pressure I ever felt came from my narcissistic egg donor who selfishly wanted me to have kids just to give her grandchildren (new brains to warp) while blithely disregarding my stance that it just would not happen. Conversely, I never felt the same push back from Dad. I have gotten looks that I have three heads for not "doing my motherly duty" but that was someone else's weird expectation of women and not mine. You want to have kids? Go for it! You DON'T want to have kids? Go for it!

My point is to just.. live your life and don't give a shit about the (invariable) criticism or judgement from people who haven't walked in your shoes at all.