Author Topic: I am a thief, and a horrible person (Read 1816 times)

Orbert · « **on:** March 03, 2017, 04:40:10 PM »

I work for a very large company, a Fortune 200 company, the kind that keeps most of its employees in a large headquarters building but wisely keeps the programmers miles away in satellite buildings so we don't interact too much with the normal people. In 12 years, I've worked in three different buildings, none of which were the main HQ, and we'll be moving again later this year.

We moved to this building last fall, and different groups moved at different times, so different people arrived here at different times. Most of us IT folks have worked with each other at some point for some project over the years, so there's always a few reunions and stuff. The guy kitty-corner from me used to run reports for me in a different group two buildings ago. He's pretty cool. The cubicle directly across from me was vacant when I got here, but had a name on it, someone from some other group. I figured I'd eventually meet this person, my new neighbor. I have never seen this person. I've been here nearly six months, and they never moved in, even though I know everyone has moved out of the old building because the lease was up at the end of 2016. The cubicle across from me is still empty.

Moving is a pain in the ass of course, but our admin is a wonderful lady named Jocelyn who printed up these awesome colorful name signs and left a little card and bag of chocolate mints in each cubicle. A "housewarming" gift of sorts, to help ease the pain in the ass.

Most days by late afternoon I'm ready for a snack of some kind. I'll head over to the vending machine, or maybe open the extra bag of chips I picked up at lunchtime or something. Today I did not do that. The little bag of chocolate mints for the guy in the cubicle across from me was still sitting there, calling to me. I could hear them. Frankly, it was getting rather distracting. I did what I had to do. I ate them. He will never know. Hell, he will probably never actually move in here, and may not even exist. But the fact remains. I took something that was not mine, and I ate it. Five little chocolate mints. They were yummy. I am a thief, and a horrible person.

gmillerdrake · « **Reply #1 on:** March 03, 2017, 05:37:29 PM »

How dare ye!

KevShmev · « **Reply #2 on:** March 03, 2017, 05:38:36 PM »

Well done. *golf clap*

Prog Snob · « **Reply #3 on:** March 03, 2017, 05:40:42 PM »

Guilt over cookies? You poor boy.

BlobVanDam · « **Reply #4 on:** March 03, 2017, 11:28:06 PM »

I thought this story was going to end with you commandeering the extra cubicle, so taking a few chocolates seems benign by comparison. I'm disappointed in you Orbert. Feeling guilt over a cheap foodstuff? You're better than that!

Adami · « **Reply #5 on:** March 03, 2017, 11:31:28 PM »

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RSHngMw9nO8#t=02m11s

black_biff_stadler · « **Reply #6 on:** March 03, 2017, 11:48:52 PM »

God bless you Rob

Orbert · « **Reply #7 on:** March 04, 2017, 07:54:14 AM »

Quote from: BlobVanDam on March 03, 2017, 11:28:06 PM

I thought this story was going to end with you commandeering the extra cubicle, so taking a few chocolates seems benign by comparison. I'm disappointed in you Orbert. Feeling guilt over a cheap foodstuff? You're better than that!

I don't need another cubicle, and they're all the same size so there would be no point it switching. I just wanted the chocolate mints.

No guilt. The pirate emoji was to indicate that I'm actually quite proud of myself. I just couldn't come right out and say that, because that would be like bragging. "I stole some yummies!"

TempusVox · « **Reply #8 on:** March 04, 2017, 08:34:18 AM »

You have now sealed your own fate because you will now, most likely, probably, will eventually, someday die.

Orbert · « **Reply #9 on:** March 04, 2017, 12:34:51 PM »

Shit. See, these are the kinds of things I just don't think about beforehand.

hefdaddy42 · « **Reply #10 on:** March 04, 2017, 07:32:01 PM »

Someone had to do it. Might as well be you.

King Postwhore · « **Reply #11 on:** March 04, 2017, 07:35:26 PM »

Nobody gets between Orbert and chocolate and mints. Nobody.

TAC · « **Reply #12 on:** March 04, 2017, 07:54:45 PM »

Watch the poor guy finally show up on Monday.

King Postwhore · « **Reply #13 on:** March 04, 2017, 07:57:57 PM »

He deserved it.

Orbert · « **Reply #14 on:** March 04, 2017, 09:23:25 PM »

Quote from: TAC on March 04, 2017, 07:54:45 PM

Watch the poor guy finally show up on Monday.

The card is still there, welcoming him to the new digs. He won't have any idea that there was anything else originally with it.

In other words, fuck 'im.

jingle.boy · « **Reply #15 on:** March 05, 2017, 05:23:56 AM »

If they were Junior Mints, you were totally justified. Who's gonna turn down Junior Mints? It's chocolate, it's peppermint, it's delicious. It's very refreshing!

Orbert · « **Reply #16 on:** March 05, 2017, 06:29:45 AM »

These were beyond Junior Mints, though I definitely would've taken Junior Mints, too. These were chocolate mint truffles in a fancy-schmancy little green foil package (the kind you can't open without ripping the whole package to hell). Once I'd ripped open the package, it was over. I had to eat them, else they'd've gone bad. I was actually performing a public service by not letting them go bad.

jingle.boy · « **Reply #17 on:** March 05, 2017, 07:11:23 AM »

Not all heroes wear capes.

TAC · « **Reply #18 on:** March 05, 2017, 07:13:09 AM »

You guys are mean.

black_biff_stadler · « **Reply #19 on:** March 05, 2017, 12:16:56 PM »

Quote from: jingle.boy on March 05, 2017, 05:23:56 AM

If they were Junior Mints, you were totally justified. Who's gonna turn down Junior Mints? It's chocolate, it's peppermint, it's delicious. It's very refreshing!

I've referenced this episode to the majority of people who've come through my line with Junior Mints over the last few years and the majority aren't familiar with the episode. Society is going to shit.

TAC · « **Reply #20 on:** March 05, 2017, 01:01:41 PM »

Quote from: black_floyd on March 05, 2017, 12:16:56 PM

Quote from: jingle.boy on March 05, 2017, 05:23:56 AM
If they were Junior Mints, you were totally justified. Who's gonna turn down Junior Mints? It's chocolate, it's peppermint, it's delicious. It's very refreshing!

I've referenced this episode to the majority of people who've come through my line with Junior Mints over the last few years and the majority aren't familiar with the episode. Society is going to shit.

I don't know the reference either.

black_biff_stadler · « **Reply #21 on:** March 05, 2017, 01:37:06 PM »

Seinfeld bruh.

This whole clip is fuckin money but I timestamped the link in case you don't wanna blow 4 minutes on a clip:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M29A6rZpKqk#t=217s

King Postwhore · « **Reply #22 on:** March 05, 2017, 04:32:28 PM »

Tim, you shame us all.

TAC · « **Reply #23 on:** March 05, 2017, 05:01:28 PM »

Quote from: kingshmegland on March 05, 2017, 04:32:28 PM

Tim, you shame us all.

From 10/94 to 5/98, I basically worked nights. I missed the major portion of Seinfeld's run.

And I just don't have time to sit through reruns.

King Postwhore · « **Reply #24 on:** March 05, 2017, 05:16:48 PM »

That I understand now. I worked nights myself but I was able to see it. Thankfully these days everything I watch is on my DVR.

KevShmev · « **Reply #25 on:** March 05, 2017, 08:37:00 PM »

I can probably still quote the vast majority of Seinfeld episodes nearly verbatim, and I rarely see them anymore, outside of catching the occasional rerun. I just watched them so much back in the day that they are all ingrained in my head.

jingle.boy · « **Reply #26 on:** March 06, 2017, 05:20:09 AM »

Quote from: KevShmev on March 05, 2017, 08:37:00 PM

I can probably still quote the vast majority of Seinfeld episodes nearly verbatim, and I rarely see them anymore, outside of catching the occasional rerun. I just watched them so much back in the day that they are all ingrained in my head.

This .... so fucking much. I've got the DVDs of Seasons 1-4 downstairs somewhere still in the shrink-wrap.

I wonder if the cubicle inhabitant was named Mulva?

Tick · « **Reply #27 on:** March 06, 2017, 06:02:37 AM »

"10% being watched"

Cool Chris · « **Reply #28 on:** March 06, 2017, 10:35:59 AM »

Quote from: jingle.boy on March 06, 2017, 05:20:09 AM

I wonder if the cubicle inhabitant was named Mulva?

My first thought was Milton Waddams, but that dude came to work without even receiving a paycheck, so I couldn't imagine him not showing up.

cramx3 · « **Reply #29 on:** March 06, 2017, 12:42:48 PM »

I think the bigger crime is what took so long to eat those? 6 months? That shouldn't of lasted 6 hours sitting there.

Orbert · « **Reply #30 on:** March 06, 2017, 01:39:32 PM »

We don't know when the other folks from other groups will show up. People were still moving in here months after me.

News: Welcome back, Mike Portnoy!

Author Topic: I am a thief, and a horrible person (Read 1816 times)