But it is. We love her to death, but she makes it so easy for my brother and I. I'm warning you now, this is going to be tl:dr, but stick with it. Oh, what an outstanding morning. Besides me making this morning's light hangover my b*tch with more beer at lunch, I've spent the day laughing my ass off. You see, our mother has not yet learned that when she sends trite emails about life circumstances and how they're undeservingly credited to God's wrath, that we are going to take that ball and run with it. NOTE: I do not intend for this to turn into a P/R discussion, hence my having posted it here instead. If mods think it should be moved, then I apologize.
Mom sends the following email, about the consequences of mocking God, to me, my brother, our sister and a select few others, who I do not know:
DID YOU KNOW THESE FACTS? I SURE DIDN’T TILL NOW
Death is certain but the Bible speaks about untimely death!
Make a personal reflection about this…..
Very interesting, read until the end…..
It is written in the Bible (Galatians 6:7):
‘Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man sow, that shall he also reap.
Here are some men and women who mocked God :
John Lennon (Singer):
Some years before, during his interview with an American Magazine, he said: ‘Christianity will end, it will disappear. I do not have to argue about that. I am certain. Jesus was ok, but his subjects were too simple, today we are more famous than Him’ (1966). Lennon, after saying that the Beatles were more famous than Jesus Christ, was shot six times.
Tancredo Neves (President of Brazil ):
During the Presidential campaign, he said if he got 500,000 votes from his party, not even God would remove him from Presidency. Sure he got the votes, but he got sick a day before being made President, then he died.
Cazuza (Bi-sexual Brazilian composer, singer and poet):
During A show in Canecio ( Rio de Janeiro ), While smoking his cigarette, he puffed out some smoke into the air and said:’God, that’s for you.’ He died at the age of 32 of LUNG CANCER in a horrible manner.
The man who built the Titanic
After the construction of Titanic, a reporter asked him how safe the Titanic would be. With an ironic tone he said: ‘Not even God can sink it’ The result: I think you all know what happened to the Titanic
Marilyn Monroe (Actress)
She was visited by Billy Graham during a presentation of a show. He said the Spirit of God had sent him to preach to her. After hearing what the Preacher had to say, she said: ‘I don’t need your Jesus’. A week later, she was found dead in her apartment
Bon Scott (Singer)
The ex-vocalist of the AC/DC. On one of his 1979 songs he sang: ‘Don’t stop me; I’m going down all the way, down the highway to hell’. On the 19th of February 1980, Bon Scott was found dead, he had been choked by his own vomit.
Campinas (IN 2005)
In Campinas , Brazil a group of friends, drunk, went to pick up a friend….. The mother accompanied her to the car and was so worried about the drunkenness of her friends and she said to the daughter holding her hand, who was already seated in the car: ‘My Daughter, Go With God And May He Protect You.’ She responded: ‘Only If He (God) Travels In The Trunk, Cause Inside Here…..It’s Already Full.‘ Hours later, news came by that they had been involved in a fatal accident, everyone had died, the car could not be recognized what type of car it had been, but surprisingly, the trunk was intact. The police said there was no way the trunk could have remained intact. To their surprise, inside the trunk was a crate of eggs, none was broken.
Christine Hewitt (Jamaican Journalist and entertainer) said the Bible (Word of God) was the worst book ever written.
In June 2006 she was found burnt beyond recognition in her motor vehicle.
Many more important people have forgotten that there is no other name that was given so much authority as the name of Jesus.
Many have died, but only Jesus died and rose again, and he is still alive.
‘Jesus’
PS: If it was a joke, you would have sent it to everyone. So are you going to have courage to send this?.
I have done my part, Jesus said ‘If you are embarrassed about me, I will also be embarrassed about you before my father.’
You are my 8 in 8 seconds. I am not breaking this. No way!
I’M TOLD THIS WORKS!!!!! Bishop T.D. Jakes ‘8 Second Prayer.’ Just repeat this prayer and see how God moves!!
‘Lord, I love you and I need you, come into my heart, and bless me, my family, my home, and my friends, in Jesus’ name. Amen.’
Pass this message to 8 people {EXCEPT YOU AND ME}..You will receive a miracle tomorrow. I Hope that you don’t ignore and let God bless you.
Well, this certainly could not be allowed to go untouched. No way, no how, nuh uh, not going to happen.
So I decided to remove the people I didn’t know from the CC list and only copy mom, my brother, and my sister. What follows are the series of responses between he and I.
ZOMG, so true. Jimi Hendrix said "Music is my religion". He then went on to join the Spinners and caught the diabeetus and died in February 2007. WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW, JIMI HENDRIX?
My mother called me in February 2007, vehemently insisting for a good five minutes that Jimi Hendrix had just died. Turns out, it was Billy Henderson from the Spinners.
PLUS!!
Michael Stipe sang a song called Losing My Religion and went on to continue being the lead singer for R.E.M. That's not actually death, but it's kinda close.
Then there's the story of David Bowman, who thought he was hot farts and such and went exploring the universe, messed with an other worldly monolith, said "My God, it's full of stars" and got sucked into an unknown star system.
And lest we forget John Glenn. Everybody kept saying "Godspeed, John Glenn" overandoverandover since that moon landing stuff and he finally up and said "You know what? I'm done with you folks!" and promptly quit life yesterday.
Co-inkydink? I think not.
Then there’s the band Iron Butterfly, who recorded the song “In a Gadda Da Vida”, which SOUNDS like “God”, but was actually a slurred and garbled take on the term “In the Garden of Eden”, which is clearly disrespectful of Genesis (the book, not the crappy prog band), and they went on to be known as a really subpar psychedelic one hit wonder, with “hit” being REALLY subjective in the first place. As with Michael Stipe, it’s nearly as bad as death. Much like listening to the song.
*taps mic*
Hello? Is this thing on?
Shirley, you can't be serious.
I am serious.
And don't call me Shirley.
*waits for it*
Why not, Surely’s a nice name, my sister’s name is Surely.
This was an actual conversation that was had with our mother, when we were quoting Airplane. She couldn’t figure out why you wouldn’t want to call someone Shirley. I purposely misspelled the name.
And before I head to lunch, let’s get back to the topic at hand. We all remember Led Zeppelin whose rock staple “Stairway to Heaven” contains supposed “satanic backmasking”, which is all well and good, until you remember the story of the head of their fan club, Bonzo Montro, was driving to one of their shows, listening to Stairway, skidded on a banana peel and went over an embankment. He was found at the bottom of the cliff three days later and the stereo was still playing Stairway. At that bitchin’ part where it goes “And there’s a wino down the road – I should’ve stolen Oreos”.
At this point nothing more happens. I go to lunch with Mrs. C. who the humor in all this is mostly lost on, then come back and figure “why stop at that”?
And we’re all familiar with the story from way back in 1984, of Jamie, who was the devoted girlfriend and property of Top Jimmy, the head of the Atomic Punks street gang. Nobody ruled the streets at night like Jimmy, a self-described “ruler of the netherworld”. Jimmy liked to drive fast cars and his favorite place to drive fast was Mean Street. It had a very dangerous turn that Jimmy always tried to take faster each time. His conscience, the voice of Jamie, would always try to give him fair warning by saying “You’ll lose her in that turn”. So one night Jamie confronts him about a rumor he’s been sneaking around on her and got VD. So she says “I heard the news baby. All about your disease!” He argued intently that she was wrong and became unchained at the gall she had to question him. Unfortunately, he took the name of the Lord in vain one time too many and said “GD it baby, you know I ain’t lyin to ya.” She could see the anger in his face growing. He said “I’m only gonna tell you one time...” and his voice crescendoed into a wail of bitchin’ proportions. Jamie, fearful for what Jimmy may do, relented and said “I’m sorry honey, if I took you just a little too far.” And so they said good night, Jimmy left and headed to Mean Street. Hot shoed and burnin’ down the avenue, Jimmy took that turn and the inevitable happened. And now he’s gone forever. All because he took the Lord’s name in vain.
And if you remember that tragic story certainly you remember the story of Leroy Brown. Certainly he was one of the vilest examples of humanity that anyone in the local area could find. Although he nearly died when making unwanted sexual advances towards a woman in a bar only to find out that her husband clearly outmatched him, his ultimate end came when he stuck a shank in some po-white piece of cracka trash on the Sabbath. He was immediately struck by a passing helicopter and died.
Now there's no need to be racist. They're not crackas, they're "Saltine Americans".
So this is where we’re left. If anyone has any more examples of people burning in hell where you can make even the most indirect reference to God in some fashion, please share them.
Topic: Trolling my mother shouldn't be this much fun (Read 1454 times)