Any dad's or mom's out there, what is your view on your child's success?

[Jester]

I think Debra had it right:  BALANCE.

I don't discount the experience, but I do sort of have to ask whether ONE incident with a video game scarred you for life.

That is just one of many examples.  I have no problem discounting the way my father "handed out life lessons" was deeply flawed.  I used to use some of these bad examples of how he "made me the person I am today", but it became pretty clear as I got older that this wasn't tough love.  But just because I know "I'm not doing that" when it comes to this eventual crossroad doesn't mean I feel confident that I'm prepared to navigate what clearly will not be a one size fits all lesson plan for an actual human being.

Sure, I can take the supportive role and try to bolster her with pointing out all the small victories and progress in her failures.  That's relatively easy.  It is when the crossroad comes up when it is obvious they aren't trying and don't respond to the positive reinforcement.  My life journey was with a "you can do no right" father and a mother that was infinitely more supportive but very early on in life would tell me "I don't even know how to do that, so I'm of no help to you" (which I think had to do more with her self-esteem than her actual inability because she had tons of great attributes I try to mimic).  The point is everything is theory to me on that front because I never saw it play out in my childhood.  Being successfully supportive of your adult friends is not the same formula/practice for a 2 to 18yo girl.

[King Postwhore]

Parents have a lot of influence good or bad but in the end,  if they are bad you have to make that decision to be better than your parents were.  We all have that choice, that will.  It's up to us to act on the good, not dwell on the negative.

[cramx3]

Parents have a lot of influence good or bad but in the end,  if they are bad you have to make that decision to be better than your parents were.  We all have that choice, that will.  It's up to us to act on the good, not dwell on the negative.

I'm not sold on the idea that we all can just make that decision.  I think sometimes parental abuse is so deeply ingrained into children that they don't always realize they've become their parents when they get older.

[Jester]

That really isn't the theme of the thread though.  The theme is questions of parenting, not how the son/daughter should have to deal with their parents.

The theme, I believe - since I'm not the OP, was asking parents that have already gone through certain stages in their own child's development and sharing where they had success and failures.  Personally, I had a less than helpful *mentor* so I mainly have theories other than what help I gave my younger siblings while I was still a kid myself for current experience.

I literally witnessed the two extremes.  As far as I can tell, my father gave up with the 2nd kid (my brother) and my mom overcompensated.  So I see the dangers of a tough parent and a parent that let's their kid not only get away with anything, but even is a codependent to it.  Now it is easy, but meaningless, to say "well, the middle road is best."  But I'm wondering how parents have navigated between knowing when to give the kid some room to figure it out themselves and when to get a little stricter when the kid isn't making the effort to figure it out themselves.   What some would call the teenage years, but that probably has more to do with the groundwork laid down starting with the terrible twos than just some "came out of nowhere" event.

[Jester]

16 for me is not such a good age here. It's honestly becoming very frustrating because my mom and dad expect me to go to a good college

Just curious.  Are they just cracking the whip (even if out of love) or are they getting heavily involved?  Are they helping you determine which career paths both will help you stay out of poverty while at the same time fit you well enough so you can at least succeed in that choice not just because it gets more money or bragging rights, but you'd probably spend all weekend learning new things about your career even if it wasn't your paying job?  Are they introducing you to friends of theirs or making friends with your friends' parents so you can be exposed to their chosen career paths? 

Are they giving you advice such as "this extra-curricular activity holds serious weight in the admissions process, whereas this one has diminishing returns?"  Are they personally trying to figure out the differences between higher learning school options and why one might be better than the other for your possible career path?

Have they saved any college funds for you?  If they hard off financially, are you embarrassed to admit that you need the "poor kid" financial help?  Or worse, do they do well enough that your aid has less options, but not well enough to actually fill that hole (either because they can't or won't).

Let them know that they have just as much burden to make this happen as you do.  That you know their careers might make the time they have to help limited, but every bit they can help is going to help you stay more focused on the actual academics.

Let me just end with:   you are 16 and this is a critical time for you.  Especially if you already put in the work from age 0 to 16.  No matter how burned out you might feel, it will be nothing compared to the burn out you will feel if you don't just finish that last mile of the marathon.  My friends' experience and the experience of my high school peers was that college was a breeze compared to the stress of the honors/AP high school program.  That's mainly because if you did it right, you've built the foundation so you go in with a real road map.  But if you feel like you need to take it a bit easier your last one or two years because it is only about to get much tougher so you need a bit of a break so you don't snap later, don't worry.  Worry more about having to attend your 2nd or 4th choice instead of your first because you decided to ease up at the finish line.

Of course, if you feel like the stress is getting to you, don't be afraid to share your frustrations.  And definitely don't put on a strong facade like you have it all under control if you don't.  Your friends are probably going through the exact same stress.

[King Postwhore]

Parents have a lot of influence good or bad but in the end,  if they are bad you have to make that decision to be better than your parents were.  We all have that choice, that will.  It's up to us to act on the good, not dwell on the negative.

I'm not sold on the idea that we all can just make that decision.  I think sometimes parental abuse is so deeply ingrained into children that they don't always realize they've become their parents when they get older.

It is. I saw it first hand with my nephew.   In the end, with help outside the family he had to make a choice.   Do I blame my past that had an influence  or to I make the present better by taking control. He's been clean for 1 and 1/2 years.  He's taking care of himself so he took control.   

I'm so proud of him.

[Blind Faythe]

16 for me is not such a good age here. It's honestly becoming very frustrating because my mom and dad expect me to go to a good college

Just curious.  Are they just cracking the whip (even if out of love) or are they getting heavily involved?  Are they helping you determine which career paths both will help you stay out of poverty while at the same time fit you well enough so you can at least succeed in that choice not just because it gets more money or bragging rights, but you'd probably spend all weekend learning new things about your career even if it wasn't your paying job?  Are they introducing you to friends of theirs or making friends with your friends' parents so you can be exposed to their chosen career paths? 

Are they giving you advice such as "this extra-curricular activity holds serious weight in the admissions process, whereas this one has diminishing returns?"  Are they personally trying to figure out the differences between higher learning school options and why one might be better than the other for your possible career path?

Have they saved any college funds for you?  If they hard off financially, are you embarrassed to admit that you need the "poor kid" financial help?  Or worse, do they do well enough that your aid has less options, but not well enough to actually fill that hole (either because they can't or won't).

Let them know that they have just as much burden to make this happen as you do.  That you know their careers might make the time they have to help limited, but every bit they can help is going to help you stay more focused on the actual academics.

Let me just end with:   you are 16 and this is a critical time for you.  Especially if you already put in the work from age 0 to 16.  No matter how burned out you might feel, it will be nothing compared to the burn out you will feel if you don't just finish that last mile of the marathon.  My experience and the experience of my high school peers was that college was a breeze compared to the stress of the honors/AP high school program.  That's mainly because if you did it right, you've built the foundation so you go in with a real road map.  But if you feel like you need to take it a bit easier your last one or two years because it is only about to get much tougher so you need a bit of a break so you don't snap later, don't worry.  Worry more about having to attend your 2nd or 4th choice instead of your first because you decided to ease up at the finish line.

Of course, if you feel like the stress is getting to you, don't be afraid to share your frustrations.  And definitely don't put on a strong facade like you have it all under control if you don't.  Your friends are probably going through the exact same stress.

1. They are heavily involved. They make sure that I tell them everything before I do it. Am I interested in a college? I have to tell them. Extracurricular activity? I have to tell them and gain approval from them.

2. They want me to become either a doctor, a lawyer, or a scientist, which I think is not fit for me at all. No matter how much I tell them I'm not interested, they say that they want me to become it.

3. They don't expose me to friends who have their career path set.

4. No, they don't decide for me which is the best path to take. I have to tell them, then if they agree, I'm fine, but if they don't agree, I have to search for other paths until they agree.

5. Yes, they have invested college funds and they say that, that is the reason why I have no excuse into getting into a good college.

Thank you for your help and your words. I should talk to my parents. I haven't taken the time to sit with them personally and tell them how I feel, face to face.

[Jester]

Obviously I can't claim to have any solid conclusions from a couple lines of text, but it sounds a bit like they care for your well being.  So take some time to think about what you are going to say to them because if it comes off confrontational, the conversation might have a tendency to turn more toward the measure of your appreciation and you won't even be able to discuss what you actually cared about.  So make sure to tell them that you appreciate their help both financially and in guidance.  Although you having to choose your micro-paths and they either pass or veto them isn't the ideal, it is better than not even getting the option.  It could just be that they think they are steering you away from a butterfly effect decision.

Again, I don't know them so the above is a suggestion guessing on their intent.  If they are a different kind of parent, the above suggestion could be completely wrong.  It sounds like you are smart enough to navigate personality types.

Do you have an idea of some career paths (even if generalized) you are interested in?  Perhaps you can hash out some career talk here before you go to your parents with your "business plan".  I'm sure they would be more open if it sounds like you did some serious investigation in to what these other choices mean for the security of your future.  Explain exactly what excites you about that path, how open the field is, starting wage/salary, the long term resiliency of that position.  I'd be interested to hear your thoughts even if it as simple as "that career looks interesting and fun".

On the other end, what is it that you doesn't excite you about the stereotypical lawyer, doctor and somewhat less typical *scientist* paths?  Personally I ruled out doctor because I don't think somebody would appreciate a doctor saying "I think I'm going to be sick" in response to "What do you think this is?"