Going through dark parts of life...any advice or help would be appreciated.

[Scar]

Someone I loved, who was dear to, recently committed suicide. I loved that person so much and we had a future. She died really young and we could have had a future.

I met her when we were in our deepest and darkest parts of our life. I'm naturally an introvert and I do not like making friends or speaking with others. I was lonely and she was lonely and we stumbled into each other by chance. This chance developed into a blossoming relationship and she and I grew closer than ever. There seemed nothing wrong with her and she seemed perfectly fine when we were talking and texting the day before. The next day, I promised her to a date and I thought everything would go well.......

I knew something was up when she didn't pick up my calls and responded to my texts. I thought she wasn't feeling well until the very next day, I decided to visit her.

I'm not going to go into detail lest I start bawling, but yeah....after her leaving this world, I felt myself reclusing away from this world. This world now holds no joy. The sun that was once shining when she was in my life is slowly fading away, being consumed by the darkness. My parents don't know about his because if they do, they will end up harming me more than they will help me.

This world holds no more meaning to me and I don't know what to do. I don't know why she would leave this world without me. The least she could have done would be to tell me, or to leave this world together...I can't bring myself to commit suicide also. I'm afraid of dying and I'm a coward. I haven't gotten the chance to tell her how much I love her. I was going too, but now I can't.

She was hella talented. She was smart, beautiful, and very wise. We just had an extremely awkward personality that would turn people off, but for each other, it was like perfect chemistry. Depressing songs are now my favorite's, I rarely come out of my shell and it's eating slowly inside. I don't know what to do. But this is something I would never do: "Speak to a therapist," or "Speak to my parents." I don't want them to know, but it is killing me inside.

What can I do? Thank you.

[King Postwhore]

Those two things you would never do is exactly what you should do.  You need to speak to someone outside your family.  You have no connection but they will shoot straight with you.  Hell, you need to release your pain by talking to someone.

Now your parents.  You need their moral support. To have someone there for you reminds you that you are someone, you are cared for, you mean something to someone. 

Don't ever close yourself to what you need right now.  If you ever need to talk, pm me.  Hang in there.

I care.

[Scar]

Thanks King. 

I've never fared well against telling my secrets. They'd end up abusing it and making me feel even worse. Am I stupid for sharing this here?

I don't know why she left...without me?? I don't want to feel angry at her, but I can't help it. She ruined my life and the worst part is, she built it up so it's a deeper fall. Why did you leave me.....? I just don't understand.
     

[Adami]

I'm sure some of us can offer some brief words of support and inspiration. Stay strong, don't lose hope, we're all here for you, etc. And all of that is true.

But you suffered an immense tragedy. We can be here for you, as a community, but we're not going to help you deal with the deep issues that come along with something horrible like this happening.

My suggestion would be finding a therapist. Not a psychiatrist, not a medical doctor, not a counselor, but a good psychologist who is aware of how to handle these issues. That is where the true work will take place. It'll be painful, horrifying and probably feel hopeless at the beginning, but the only way to get past pain is to go through it.

[Scar]

Thanks Adami.

I've never opened up myself to anyone, except her. Even my family doesn't know some of my deepest secrets.

This will feel very raw, exposing myself to them.....and I'm scared I might break. I'm scared that the true meaning of life will shatter and disappear. I've heard stories from people that therapists actually make it worse and makes you feel even more stranded and depressed. I don't want to go through that agony. At least right now, it's bearable.....

[Adami]

Thanks Adami.

I've never opened up myself to anyone, except her. Even my family doesn't know some of my deepest secrets.

This will feel very raw, exposing myself to them.....and I'm scared I might break. I'm scared that the true meaning of life will shatter and disappear. I've heard stories from people that therapists actually make it worse and makes you feel even more stranded and depressed. I don't want to go through that agony. At least right now, it's bearable.....

I'm a therapist. You have to experience the pain in order to move past it. So, yes. We often make things feel bad, because that's how bad people are actually feeling. We're just helping them become fully in touch with it. But a good therapist doesn't ever leave you stranded, they're in there with you. It takes time though. If you expect to see a therapist 1 or 2 times and feel fine, then that's just not in the cards. It's hard work but it's worthwhile if done right.

But it's up to you. Therapy still has a really negative stigma for some reason, but my suggestion is still to look past that and give it a try. It's really a matter of how the therapist and you connect. We're not all good matches. Find a good match and it's incredible how things can go.

I personally have clients who have suffered great tragedies, similar to you. We are working through things and they are showing improvement. It takes time.

[Scar]

Then do I have to meet them personally? Can't an online therapist work? Can't you help me??

[Tick]

Being an island on to yourself is an unhealthy place for you right now. I really hope you decide to talk with someone as soon as possible. I'm so sorry. Its hard to find adequate words to bring you comfort.

[millahh]

I care, too.

A few things:

-Listen to Adami, he knows what's up
-Regarding your parents, I do think you ought to talk honestly with them, unless there is a compelling, objective reason not to (if they were/are abusive, or have religious views about depression/therapy that would make it harder).  They do love you and care about you.
-I know (from experience) how hard it can be when you feel that you won't be understood...that is part of the isolating feeling of depression.  But being "understood" is vastly overrated.  If you are talking to people who have empathy and care about your well-being, you will be much better off than seeking the unicorn of the a person who will "understand" you.  Also, depression can twist up you mind in such a way that the person who understands you would need to be in the same bad spot as you...and one drowning person can't save another drowning person.
-"If you're going through Hell, keep going" - Winston Churchill (allegedly)

[King Postwhore]

Open up.  Talk it out. The more you keep it in the harder it gets.  My wife went to a therapist over her parents who she cut out for 10 years.  She heard most of the points I said UT needed to hear it from someone out of her family.

Don't be afraid. It really helps.  I'm glad you are letting us in.  We care for you.  Remember that.

[Prog Snob]

Someone I loved, who was dear to, recently committed suicide. I loved that person so much and we had a future. She died really young and we could have had a future.

I met her when we were in our deepest and darkest parts of our life. I'm naturally an introvert and I do not like making friends or speaking with others. I was lonely and she was lonely and we stumbled into each other by chance. This chance developed into a blossoming relationship and she and I grew closer than ever. There seemed nothing wrong with her and she seemed perfectly fine when we were talking and texting the day before. The next day, I promised her to a date and I thought everything would go well.......

I knew something was up when she didn't pick up my calls and responded to my texts. I thought she wasn't feeling well until the very next day, I decided to visit her.

I'm not going to go into detail lest I start bawling, but yeah....after her leaving this world, I felt myself reclusing away from this world. This world now holds no joy. The sun that was once shining when she was in my life is slowly fading away, being consumed by the darkness. My parents don't know about his because if they do, they will end up harming me more than they will help me.

This world holds no more meaning to me and I don't know what to do. I don't know why she would leave this world without me. The least she could have done would be to tell me, or to leave this world together...I can't bring myself to commit suicide also. I'm afraid of dying and I'm a coward. I haven't gotten the chance to tell her how much I love her. I was going too, but now I can't.

She was hella talented. She was smart, beautiful, and very wise. We just had an extremely awkward personality that would turn people off, but for each other, it was like perfect chemistry. Depressing songs are now my favorite's, I rarely come out of my shell and it's eating slowly inside. I don't know what to do. But this is something I would never do: "Speak to a therapist," or "Speak to my parents." I don't want them to know, but it is killing me inside.

What can I do? Thank you.

Twice in my life I have been part of a similar situation. Both times I lost. Both times I felt completely fucking useless in the end. The first time involved a close friend of mine. She had just been through a rough engagement that ended with her being pregnant and the father disappearing. She called me that night, feeling lost and hopeless. I talked to her for an hour or so and we left off on a positive note. She was going to wake up the next day and do her best to start over. A few hours later I received a call from her best friend telling me she hung herself. She left a suicide note behind which mentioned my name, thanking me for being one of the few who showed genuine concern for her. It was enough for her though.

A few years later my friend was dealing with a serious drug problem. She got mixed up with the wrong people because of a guy she had dated. As a result, she became heavily addicted to cocaine. She hid it from me for a while, for obvious reasons, but I eventually found out. I fought tooth and nail to help her. She refused to get help. Her ex had her manipulated. Every time I thought I gained some ground, she would go out that night and he would take it back. I'm too fucking stubborn to give up. One night, I went out on a date, so I didn't get the chance to talk to her, but I called as soon as I got home. That's the night she overdosed. It still pains me to talk about it. She didn't make it to her 21st birthday.

I don't know what you can take from this, except that you aren't alone. There is always someone out there who can genuinely empathize with you, and as long as you have that going for you, there's still hope to pull through. You'll always have someone that will let you cry it out, and sometimes that's all that we need - an ear to listen to us, unconditionally, and without reservation. It's that comfort which endears us to the idea that things will get better as long as we don't give up. Remember them every day, cry for them if needs be, but let their memories be your guide.

[TAC]

Assuming there's no major issue with them, get your parents involved. NO ONE loves you more than they do. They don't need to know all of your secrets. They are yours. But how you feel about this is not a secret, it's a crisis. This is what parents are for.

[Dr. DTVT]

I don't have any advice to you that hasn't already been said, but I'll just add that Adami is pretty much spot on.  I know what it is like to have a friend I was losing touch with commit suicide, so I can only imagine that what you are going through is way worse.  Very few people are emotionally equipped enough to deal with something like this on their own.  I know I wasn't, and you don't sound like you are either at this point.  At a minimum, I think the best way to deal with this is to have a professional you are open and honest with, and a friend/family member you can be open with.

Adami might want to speak up about this, but since you are dealing with the death of someone you were romantically interested in, I think you might want to find a male therapist so you don't potentially transfer those feelings to her.

[Adami]

Transference can be an issue. But given his age, it's not a huge concern. Unless his therapist is quite young or not very good at maintaining professional distance, he'll probably be fine.

But since therapy is like 80% female dominated, it's also easier to find a female one.

[KevShmev]

Some great advice being given in this thread. 

It doesn't have to be a therapist or psychiatrist per se - it can be a counselor - but I would definitely recommend talking to a professional ASAP.  I know you said you don't want to do it, but it sounds like it something you need to do.  And assuming you have a good relationship with your parents, talk to them about it immediately as well.  This is the time when you need those who closest to you to be there for you, and shutting down and shutting them out will done nothing but worsen things for you.

I don't know what else to say, since I feel that anything I say will sound like a cliche, but just read again some of the great advice being given here, and please take heed of it.  Good luck. 

[Scar]

Thank you guys so much for your words. I will take it into consideration. 

Just one question, that's plaguing me. If you don't want to answer, you don't have to.

What really happens when someone dies? Is there such thing as a heaven and hell? Reincarnation? Are they simply lost forever in the ground?? Will there be a possibly to reunite with her?

[Adami]

Thank you guys so much for your words. I will take it into consideration. 

Just one question, that's plaguing me. If you don't want to answer, you don't have to.

What really happens when someone dies? Is there such thing as a heaven and hell? Reincarnation? Are they simply lost forever in the ground?? Will there be a possibly to reunite with her?

None of us know the answer to that one. None of us can know the answer to that one. However, I feel like there's a hope in that unknowing. There is always potential in the unknown.

[Dr. DTVT]

What really happens when someone dies? Is there such thing as a heaven and hell? Reincarnation? Are they simply lost forever in the ground?? Will there be a possibly to reunite with her?

If we knew the answer to that, the world would be very different than it is now regardless of the actual truth.

[twosuitsluke]

I think it's an incredibly difficult thing to open up and let people in when you are going through what you are going through. I won't pretend to know how you feel (not that I'm saying anyone else here is) but by starting this thread you are already reaching out. That is a really brave thing to do. As others have said, I too care.

There has been a lot of advice given here that is really solid. As I said, you are already reaching out, I know it must be easier to do it via the Internet right now and it's great you are taking that step. I do agree that when you are ready you need to talk to your parents and also a therapist.

Take heart in the fact that you basically have a load of strangers who are here for you and willing to help. If strangers are willing to go to these lengths to help you imagine how far your friends and family would go.

In regards to your parents. My girlfriend suffers from anxiety and depression after going through a physically and mentally abusive relationship a few years ago, on top of other things. She finds it hard to talk to her parents as they don't really know how to deal with it. They love her immensely and everything they do or say has good intentions. Sometimes she wants them to just hold her, tell her it's ok, tell her that it's ok to feel the way she does as she puts pressure on herself to feel 'better' and over the past. However her parents sometimes just kind of try to give her tough love, tell her 'life's hard' and she needs to just get on with it. They don't always help but they try. I'm not sure if that is similar to how your parents are? My girlfriend does also see a therapist, she is perfect for my girlfriend (I think it is important to find the right therapist for YOU) and is very good at helping my girlfriend. She also gives her great coping strategies to help her through her work life, our relationship and also how to talk to her parents and how best to try and make that relationship work despite her issues.

I've probably rambled a bit but I want you to know people care and will try to help you. I think music in general is also really underrated as a way to help people. We all understand how music helps us through tough times. In that respect I think you already have one thing that may help you. As others have also said, PM me if you want to chat, although others will probably give better advice.

Take care x

[gmillerdrake]

What really happens when someone dies? Is there such thing as a heaven and hell? Reincarnation? Are they simply lost forever in the ground?? Will there be a possibly to reunite with her?

I'm sure that a lot of us here have our own beliefs on what happens when we pass....and like Adami and Mason have said, it's impossible to know for sure...the only certainty is that we all eventually find out. I like to believe that this life that we live now is just one step of a more grand experience, a launching ground or learning step. Below is a story that might help? I don't know. But, it's an interesting perspective of life and death.....


The Dragonfly


Once, in a little pond, in the muddy water under the lily pads,
there lived a little water beetle in a community of water
beetles.  They lived a simple and comfortable life in the pond
with few disturbances and interruptions.

Once in a while, sadness would come to the community when one of
their fellow beetles would climb the stem of a lily pad and
would never be seen again.  They knew when this happened; their
friend was dead, gone forever.

Then, one day, one little water beetle felt an irresistible urge
to climb up that stem.  However, he was determined that he would
not leave forever.  He would come back and tell his friends what
he had found at the top.

When he reached the top and climbed out of the water onto the
surface of the lily pad, he was so tired, and the sun felt so
warm, that he decided he must take a nap.  As he slept, his body
changed and when he woke up, he had turned into a beautiful
blue-tailed dragonfly with broad wings and a slender body
designed for flying.

So, fly he did!  And, as he soared he saw the beauty of a whole
new world and a far superior way of life to what he had never
known existed.

Then he remembered his beetle friends and how they were thinking
by now he was dead.  He wanted to go back to tell them, and
explain to them that he was now more alive than he had ever been
before.  His life had been fulfilled rather than ended.

But, his new body would not go down into the water.  He could
not get back to tell his friends the good news.  Then he
understood that their time would come, when they, too, would
know what he now knew.  So, he raised his wings and flew off
into his joyous new life!

[Prog Snob]

Thank you guys so much for your words. I will take it into consideration. 

Just one question, that's plaguing me. If you don't want to answer, you don't have to.

What really happens when someone dies? Is there such thing as a heaven and hell? Reincarnation? Are they simply lost forever in the ground?? Will there be a possibly to reunite with her?

Let me ask you something, and this might sound harsh, but it'll be a provocation towards the light at the end of the tunnel. What does it matter what happens post mortem? I know some people find solace in knowing they might be reunited with their loved ones, but all that does is take away living in the here and now. My beliefs implore me to stop thinking about what happens after death. Every moment spent on that is a moment taken away from making the best of my life now. I'm not saying you should never think about her. That would be an exercise in futility. Don't get lost going down that road though. I've seen what it does to people who travel too far. It's a longer, more arduous road coming back.

[Chino]

What really happens when someone dies? Is there such thing as a heaven and hell? Reincarnation? Are they simply lost forever in the ground?? Will there be a possibly to reunite with her?

Outside of desperately wanting an afterlife and/or having faith in stories of eternity that have shown up in every culture since we started writing things down, there really isn't any evidence or reason to believe that being dead is any different than not being born yet.

Sorry for your loss, man. I'm not going to pretend that I can even come close to knowing how you feel. Reaching out is never a bad thing, and it's probably the avenue you should be looking to explore.

[ariich]

I just want to add my sympathy for your loss, and my support to absolutely everything that Adami has been saying in this thread about seeing a professional.

I can understand why you might be hesitant to speak to your parents, and without knowing the relationship you have with your parents we can't possibly comment on it authoritatively. You should consider at least letting them know that you're having a difficult time without necessarily going into the details, rather than trying to hide it completely, but whether you actually do so will depend on circumstances and relationships that only you will know.

[Stadler]

Thanks Adami.

I've never opened up myself to anyone, except her. Even my family doesn't know some of my deepest secrets.

This will feel very raw, exposing myself to them.....and I'm scared I might break. I'm scared that the true meaning of life will shatter and disappear. I've heard stories from people that therapists actually make it worse and makes you feel even more stranded and depressed. I don't want to go through that agony. At least right now, it's bearable.....

I'm a therapist. You have to experience the pain in order to move past it. So, yes. We often make things feel bad, because that's how bad people are actually feeling. We're just helping them become fully in touch with it. But a good therapist doesn't ever leave you stranded, they're in there with you. It takes time though. If you expect to see a therapist 1 or 2 times and feel fine, then that's just not in the cards. It's hard work but it's worthwhile if done right.

But it's up to you. Therapy still has a really negative stigma for some reason, but my suggestion is still to look past that and give it a try. It's really a matter of how the therapist and you connect. We're not all good matches. Find a good match and it's incredible how things can go.

I personally have clients who have suffered great tragedies, similar to you. We are working through things and they are showing improvement. It takes time.

Scar, god bless you, but my advice is to just reread the above over and over until you find yourself in that therapist's office.   It IS dark, but people have come back from that, and you can too.   I personally know (always be the present tense for me) two people that took their own life.   I can almost unequivocally tell you it had nothing to do with you, and there wasn't any amount of connection that you could have given that would have stopped that train. 

Get the help you need, so you can be a bright light to someone else in life, and so you don't cause others the pain you feel right now.

[Scar]

You guys.......... :') :')

You guys are like the only light at the end of the tunnel.......and for that, I'm grateful.

I'm still gaining courage to tell, to become humble, and it's hard now.

[Prog Snob]

You guys.......... :') :')

You guys are like the only light at the end of the tunnel.......and for that, I'm grateful.

I'm still gaining courage to tell, to become humble, and it's hard now.

We're just guiding you towards the light. The light itself should be your future and everything you saw before you lost your friend. Tunnels are just dark paths in life that we need to find our way through.

[twosuitsluke]

Just remember that there are people who give a damn. I really hope things start to get easier for you soon and you continue to reach out for what you need.

If you feel you need advice you have a place you can come to and people who can offer solid advice.

[DebraKadabra]

Sorry if I seem to be popping in unannounced here, but Scar--the only thing that I can add is to PLEASE hang in there. I know it's scary, and I know you're tempted to do something, and I know your hesitation to talk to someone about all of this. Please give yourself the benefit of the doubt here - you are never not worth fighting for. We will never know the "why" of certain things, death the most important one. I deeply sympathize with your loss, and it's good that you're reaching out at least to us. This board has many supportive and kind people, and we'll try to lend a hand if we can.

You are worth fighting for. Trust me on that.

[TAC]

Scar, I was thinking.. As Deb said, there are a ton of kind people on here. And there are also some wise asses, some of which are both.


There's been not one wise ass remark made in this thread. So here are a bunch of people that do not know you being very understanding and caring. Just think about the people that actually do know and love you.

Stuart Scott said something to the effect of when you are too tired to fight for yourself, just rest, and let some one else do it for you.

Hang in there, kid.

[Scar]

Thanks guys. I'm not easily moved to tears, but........

[TAC]

Yeah, I was really mad when she died. I didn't want to be mad, but...

But if it made you mad, that's fine. Your feelings are as important as anyone's.

I've never known anyone to take their own life, so maybe I'm just talking out of my ass, but my gut tells me that they must really be suffering. It's really the last resort.

Scar, you mentioned your parents with harm you more than help you. I hope that's not the case.

[Dublagent66]

Scar, I know about dark.  I'm there now and have been since my girlfriend died unexpectedly 3 months ago.  I won't go into details because this is your thread, but just wanted to say that you're not alone.  It's ok to feel whatever you're feeling.  Depression, sadness, anger.  It's all apart of the grieving process and everyone is different.  There is no time limit on grief.  I hope you can heal.