Alcoholics Anonymous Steps 8 & 9

[Prog Snob]

This doesn't have to be as a direct result of alcohol. Let's just say you have a chance to apologize to someone you've wronged in the past and want to make amends.  It can only be one person though. This might be too personal and realistic for some, so I don't expect many to answer. I know, for me, that sometimes letting it all out in an online medium is easier than being face-to-face with someone and it can also be cathartic.

[Chino]

There was a retarded kid in my catholic school. His name was TJ and he was in the grade behind me. Myself, and basically everyone else in his grade and mine used to make fun of him and pick on him relentlessly. Keep in mind, we were only like 10 or 11 years old, but nonetheless, we shit all over this kid. He hung himself when he was 18 the day before prom. I hadn't seen him in at least 5 years before that happened. I know I wasn't directly responsible for it, but the group onslaught that kid received, which I participated in frequently, probably didn't help his development or his ability to cope with mental struggles. I'd apologize to that guy in a second if I could. 

So when I hear people discussing bullying, and saying things like "It's just what kids do", "That's life. Some people are jerks", and "kids today are too sensitive", it really gets under my skin.

[Stadler]

I can remember an event in high school like that.   I don't say this to be a hero, I'm not at all, it wasn't some grand noble gesture by any stretch, it was more one loser to another, but I tended to stick up for the kids being made fun of and didn't partake in that stuff, but one time there was an assembly in high school, and a girl got up to go to the stage and I blurted out something like "lose some weight".  I don't think she heard, it wasn't that loud, but the people immediately around me must have.   I didn't even know her name, and I don't know why I did it because it wasn't funny, but it has stuck with me for the better part of 30 years.  I don't know that she knows, I don't know what I would say to her, but it's on my conscience, and in one sense, it has informed how I act since then (so I suppose some good came of it) but it is a low point in my behavior, that's for sure. 

[gmillerdrake]

I had a (very bad) relationship with a girl in my early 20's. We lived together for a year and literally drank, fought and fuc%ed. That  was it. It was the lowest point of my life as I was struggling to come to grips with a lot of things and (I think I've mentioned this elsewhere) she had come off a relationship where the guys parents had forced her to get an abortion. She was a mess as well mentally.

Like I said, all we did was drink heavily, scream and have sex....near every night. Well....one night I came home from work and she was already plastered, I mean just gone. I had been drinking at work (I was a waiter at the time) but wasn't drunk per say....but we got into our typical evening fight and I can't recall the exactly what she said to me but I do remember it cut pretty deep....I think it was something about my mom....anyway, not to be outdone I looked at her and said "Well at least I'm not a Baby Killer."

    How F'n heartless was that? I mean, I knew how devastated she was and what that abortion had done to her emotionally....and I freaking used it to literally crush her spirit. Needless to say there was not an object in our townhouse that she didn't grab and hit me with. Lamps, shoes, there was a golf club....she nailed me with a couple solid right hooks...the whole nine yards.
 
 I was able to pin her to the ground and called 911. The police showed up and they saw a scene straight off of COPS....just white trash hoosier stuff. She tried to say that I had hit her but one of the officers quickly told her that they could see who had been attacked. I didn't press charges, they took her to her mothers and that was that. The next day people at work couldn't believe that she did that but I knew deep down that I deserved every bit of it and more.

If I could change one thing in my life it'd be never having said that, I think about it all the time and how awful it was to say something like that to a person I knew had been crushed spiritually and emotionally by that decision in the first place. I'd love to have 5 minutes with her to sincerely apologize for it.

[Cool Chris]

Having been to AA meetings, I find steps 8 and 9 intriguing. I did not work the steps so only have knowledge of them, not experience.

I do not have one definite person I would apologize to, as I don't feel I ever committed one overriding egregious act against someone. But I do know I have absolutely wronged people in my past, and do feel bad about many of those situations today.

[Adami]

In Judaism there's a holiday, largely dedicated to atoning for your sins. So I've managed to apologize to just about anyone I can remember wanting to. I also just don't like the idea of having that kind of unfinished business. So if there's someone with whom I haven't made amends, it's not for a lack of trying.

[lonestar]

Ahhhh good times.

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them."
                                   
                                         - The AA 9th step promises

So much truth in there when the process is thoroughly worked. Most people mistake amends for an apology though, and they are vastly different. I was taught by my sponsor that amends is trying to repair the damage in another. If cheating on someone made them distrustful of all men, what can you do to repair her trust issues? There are also living amends, where the damage is to great for a simple apology. This is where we drastically change our lives to ensure that further damage never occurs. This is where most of the work with my daughter lies, I mean, how do you apologize for not being there for fifteen years? I instead work diligently to ensure that I'm always there now, and hope that her love and grace will do the rest.


Last week I attended her graduation. She wanted me there. We had a pretty fucking good time, and the groundwork is being laid for a good future, if I continue to do the work.


The process works only if you work it.

[Chino]

Last week I attended her graduation. She wanted me there. We had a pretty fucking good time, and the groundwork is being laid for a good future, if I continue to do the work.

Saw your photos on Facebook when you posted them. I didn't even know you had a daughter (I'm a shitty online friend. Sorry). Both of you looked super happy and as proud as could be. It made me smile.

[Stadler]

In Judaism there's a holiday, largely dedicated to atoning for your sins. So I've managed to apologize to just about anyone I can remember wanting to. I also just don't like the idea of having that kind of unfinished business. So if there's someone with whom I haven't made amends, it's not for a lack of trying.

It eats at you doesn't it?  And it's even worse when the situation is like lonestar suggests, where you can see the impact of your behavior in another over time (thankfully that hasn't really happened with me, at least not negatively). 

[Prog Snob]

Last week I attended her graduation. She wanted me there. We had a pretty fucking good time, and the groundwork is being laid for a good future, if I continue to do the work.

Saw your photos on Facebook when you posted them. I didn't even know you had a daughter (I'm a shitty online friend. Sorry). Both of you looked super happy and as proud as could be. It made me smile.

Congrats on that RJ. I didn't even see it. I have too many things on my Newsfeed that I don't see most of the things people put up.

[TAC]

There was a retarded kid in my catholic school. His name was TJ and he was in the grade behind me. Myself, and basically everyone else in his grade and mine used to make fun of him and pick on him relentlessly. Keep in mind, we were only like 10 or 11 years old, but nonetheless, we shit all over this kid. He hung himself when he was 18 the day before prom. I hadn't seen him in at least 5 years before that happened. I know I wasn't directly responsible for it, but the group onslaught that kid received, which I participated in frequently, probably didn't help his development or his ability to cope with mental struggles. I'd apologize to that guy in a second if I could. 

So when I hear people discussing bullying, and saying things like "It's just what kids do", "That's life. Some people are jerks", and "kids today are too sensitive", it really gets under my skin.

That's a great post. As a parent of a special needs child, I appreciate it.

[bosk1]

Just posting to say that I found in amusing that at the time I am posting this, this thread is immediately below the "
Time for a drink. Who's in?" thread.

Carry on.

[TAC]

Just posting to say that I found in amusing that at the time I am posting this, this thread is immediately below the "
Time for a drink. Who's in?" thread.

Carry on.

 

[King Postwhore]

 


My regrets have never been about being a bully.  I got into fights protecting those who couldn't protect themselves all the way through high school.  I always wished I had the same tenacity in school like I did in sports.  I was always a 2.8/2.9 GPA kid.  I know I could have been in the mid 3's easy.  I just didn't care.

Looking back I am a bit ashamed of myself.