Reasons for divorce or what leads to divorce

[cramx3]

My condolences.  Did I mention that my ex was also CRUSHINGLY insecure?  She'd had serious acne as a kid, and it resulted in a lot of facial scarring.  She wore pretty heavy makeup to try to cover it up, but the rule was that once she removed her makeup just prior to bed, I was not to look her in the eye.  If I did, she'd flip her shit.

Insecurity is a large problem, it's hard to have a good relationship with someone when one of the people is insecure about the relationship.

[Stadler]

Captain Obvious here- I think the overall theme is things change, people change. Or at least their feelings towards each other change. Generally, it never starts that way. But distance grows for a various reasons. Job loss, job gain, kid gain, kid loss, sickness, death, extended family, reckless behavior and on and on. I do feel both sides long for what was, and lament over what is.  I do not think anyone with a time machine would go through multiple break-ups. And no matter the percentage of blame if we break it into that, but sides share some, and both really dislike that it ended. I do not think most people in "healthy" relationships (non-abusive) are excited and want a break-up. My only thought is relief for it being over, but not excitement.

Captain Obvious's Younger Brother here - I think, though, that there is a fundamental difference between Kirk and Coz (and to a lesser extent, me) and those marriages that fade after 30 years.   I think the former are destined to fail no matter how much work, effort, patience, sex, or money there is.   I think the second - the "people change" scenario - less so.  I think if you're both putting in a modicum of effort each day, the "growth" is often in a similar direction and any differences can be addressed and potentially overcome.   Not always, and each case is different, but I do think that at some point in some of these longer marriages, one or both just stops trying. 

[Nick]

Don't have much to offer in the way of first hand experience, as I've never been married, but I will say a family history of divorce, paired with watching men in my family get reamed in the ass as a result gives me a VERY big commitment issue.

My current relationship will be 5 years in September and I'm not even close to the point where I would consider marriage. We live together, split bills, keep items generally to one person or the other, and when bigger expenses or things come up just talk about them and split the cost generally.

[King Postwhore]

That sounds like the wrong reason to say no to marriage.   You can have a prenup for that reason.

[Cool Chris]

Sex and/or money and/or addiction issues.

By the way, I think I read someplace that money and sex are the two most common reasons cited for divorce

[Cable]

Don't have much to offer in the way of first hand experience, as I've never been married, but I will say a family history of divorce, paired with watching men in my family get reamed in the ass as a result gives me a VERY big commitment issue.

My current relationship will be 5 years in September and I'm not even close to the point where I would consider marriage. We live together, split bills, keep items generally to one person or the other, and when bigger expenses or things come up just talk about them and split the cost generally.

Then there real is no difference getting married IMO. The reception and ceremony were awesome don't get me wrong. But anything else, to me, there is no usable difference. This is factoring in partnership rights now that many states have of course. Historically speaking, I thought marriages were to move up societal class wise, or maintain it and/or money. Typically they were arranged more than they are now in "Western" culture? And as you are in the US Nick, I swear the tax benefits or whatever became worse when I got married.

[cramx3]

I feel like the times are moving in a direction where marriage isn't necessary.  Not saying I would never get married, just saying that it seems people are waiting longer to get married and the population that isn't married is growing.  Tinder isn't making marriage any easier.

[Chino]

I feel like the times are moving in a direction where marriage isn't necessary.  Not saying I would never get married, just saying that it seems people are waiting longer to get married and the population that isn't married is growing.  Tinder isn't making marriage any easier.

I see no point in it really. I'm already living the life of most married couples. I'm inevitably going to have to get married eventually because of the whole religious element on my girlfriend and girlfriend's family's side, but I couldn't care less about the title. Love is love. I don't need a piece of paper from the government to quantify it.

[Prog Snob]

I feel like the times are moving in a direction where marriage isn't necessary.  Not saying I would never get married, just saying that it seems people are waiting longer to get married and the population that isn't married is growing.  Tinder isn't making marriage any easier.

I see no point in it really. I'm already living the life of a most married couples. I'm inevitably going to have to get married eventually because of the whole religious element on my girlfriend and girlfriend's family's side, but I couldn't care less about the title. Love is love. I don't need a piece of paper from the government to quantify it.

I'll drink to that.

[King Postwhore]

I can only think it's a legality thing when it comes to your inheritance from the will.  It makes it clean.

[Chino]

I can only think it's a legality thing when it comes to your inheritance from the will.  It makes it clean.

Does does the marriage really make a difference in a will [serious]. You don't need to be married to set aside funds for someone, right? How do gay people do it in states where gay marriage isn't legal?

Stadler, get in here.

[King Postwhore]

It does.  Family can start a legal battle claiming rights.  Marriage is a legal binder.  It depends if your family are dicks or not but it could get messy.

[cramx3]

I'd imagine it only matters if you don't actually have a will.  I don't see any reason why I couldn't write my own will and have whatever go to someone outside my family, but maybe I am wrong.

I don't think anything regarding money/possessions should be the reason to get married.

[King Postwhore]

If you adapt your will too many times the courts can revert them back to a previous will. 


Hey, lawyers are scummy.

[hefdaddy42]

I wouldn't trade being married for anything.

But I also think that people these days tend to get married WAY too soon, and that it is WAY too easy to get married.

I also think you don't really know a person until you live with them and have to deal with their family. 

[Sir GuitarCozmo]

I also think you don't really know a person until you live with them and have to deal with their family.

This.  A lot of people who grow up in religious households have it beaten into their head that you don't go "living in sin" and thou shalt not have sexy time until you're married.  I really can't say I understand any of that, despite growing up going to a Baptist church.  Living with someone and having sex and all of the other things that couples do are essential things that you need to know you're compatible on before you spend the resources to get married.  Getting married, then moving in and finding that you can't stand each other's day-to-day living habits is BAD news.

[King Postwhore]

I wouldn't trade being married for anything.

But I also think that people these days tend to get married WAY too soon, and that it is WAY too easy to get married.

I also think you don't really know a person until you live with them and have to deal with their family.

Yup.  See if you are compatible before making that big leap of marriage.

[Stadler]

I can only think it's a legality thing when it comes to your inheritance from the will.  It makes it clean.

Does does the marriage really make a difference in a will [serious]. You don't need to be married to set aside funds for someone, right? How do gay people do it in states where gay marriage isn't legal?

Stadler, get in here.

Marriage absolutely matters in an estate situation.  A will can override that, and specific beneficiary forms (as in insurance policies and investment vehicles) can override THAT, but absent any of that (or gaps in the will) the status of "Married" will control.  It could be a significant difference.

Another potential difference is in "next of kin" scenarios.  I know that my stepson is in the Army, and the Army has strict guidelines as to who can be on base and who can "check him out" of his combat unit.  So his live-in girlfriend cannot check him out, but she could if she was married to him.  This can also rear it's ugly head in hospital/care situations.

It's getting rarer now, but some companies still (and this is a result of the high cost of healthcare, not some social protest or moral stance) will not allow "girlfriends" (or I should say "partners") on healthcare plans. They have to be a dependent or spouse. 

There are some tax differences (especially at the State level) but that's kind of case-by-case.

Most of these are surmountable one way or the other.  I got into a philosophical argument with someone once (and it was that, as I am NOT against gay marriage) that one of the arguments in favor of gay marriage was specious, because almost everything (except the healthcare thing and the Army thing) was possible to achieve without the actual concept of "legal marriage". 

I will leave the "psychological" impact or the impact on children to others who are more familiar than I on those subjects.

[Stadler]

Hey, lawyers are scummy.

Yes.  Wait, what?   

[Stadler]

I'd imagine it only matters if you don't actually have a will.  I don't see any reason why I couldn't write my own will and have whatever go to someone outside my family, but maybe I am wrong.

Sorry, not advocating for my profession here, but protecting you.  I'm here to help. 

Yes, that is true, but don't go it alone.   You HAVE to make sure the will is recognized under your state's laws, because if it IS challenged, it will be challenged by someone who undoubtedly knows way more than you, and will be adjudicated by a judge who CERTAINLY knows more than you (and perhaps, though not always) more than the challenging attorney.

If you don't have two quarters to rub together it's perhaps moot, but I know for me - someone who's not rich, but does have assets to pass on - I've taken it seriously, especially in light of being divorced, remarrying, and having step-children. 

[cramx3]

True, write my own will as in do it without family is what I was implying although I see how I didn't make that clear, I assume you'd need to do it in a legally binding way for it to be effective.

[hefdaddy42]

I don't even change my own oil.

No fucking way I write my own will lol

[cramx3]

I feel like writing my own will was something I did as a little kid and signed all my toys over to my friend upon my death

[Chino]

I feel like writing my own will was something I did as a little kid and signed all my toys over to my friend upon my death

We had to write one in highschool and one kid in my class refused and put up a huge stink about it. He ended up rage-leaving the room and had a breakdown in the hallway. They took him away in an ambulance. He thought if he wrote a will he'd jinx himself and die in the next few days.

[Tick]

Brian, that's not a rough patch.  That's extreme.

In that case, you need to get the funk out. 

Saying "I love you"
Is not the words
I want to hear from you
It's not that I want you
Not to say
But if you only knew

How easy
It would be to
Show me how you feel
More than words
Is all you have to do
To make it real
Then you wouldn't
Have to say
That you love me
Cause I'd already know

[Tick]

I have been married 21 years this September. In that time my wife could have kicked me to the curb several times for several reasons. Love changes over time. It can fade at times. Sometimes it seems you can never get back to where you were in terms of the love you had for each other. You can become strangers at times. You can rekindle a spark. Don't believe otherwise.

My wife always says to people as advice… “When things get rough in a marriage try to think about why you fell in love with your spouse in the first place. Try to remember when things were fresh and new and you couldn’t get enough of each other.” Good advice.

Their have been times through the years my marriage has tittered on the brink of collapse. We somehow always fought through it. Now our marriage is at a point the love we have for each other has never been stronger. After 23 years together she is the one for me now and always. She had breast cancer last year and I was in a dark lonely, scary place. It made me realize just how much I love her. She is doing great now after a bad period.

Problems in life with never ever cease and storms will always challenge a relationship no matter how strong it is. To fight for a future is what I will always continue to do.

[Podaar]

Lets see.

Reason #1: The first wife was sleeping with the neighbor.

Reason #2: The second wife was sleeping with her boss.

[Prog Snob]

Brian, that's not a rough patch.  That's extreme.

In that case, you need to get the funk out. 

Saying "I love you"
Is not the words
I want to hear from you
It's not that I want you
Not to say
But if you only knew

How easy
It would be to
Show me how you feel
More than words
Is all you have to do
To make it real
Then you wouldn't
Have to say
That you love me
Cause I'd already know

Stop hitting on me. King will get jealous.

[King Postwhore]

Please.  We'll pass you around.

[vtgrad]

Lets see.

Reason #1: The first wife was sleeping with the neighbor.

Reason #2: The second wife was sleeping with her boss.

Solution #1: That's what shotguns are for (see Salem's Lot)

Solution #2: That's what staplers are for (you know, those heavy-duty H&R Block type staples)

Seriously... I'm sorry man (and to all you guys that have had problems like this).  I can honestly say that I have no idea how I'd react to something like that... and I don't think any of us do until we've actually walked in those shoes.  I hope and pray that I never have to.

[Prog Snob]

No way. I'm tired of feeling sore in the morning.

[cramx3]

Lets see.

Reason #1: The first wife was sleeping with the neighbor.

Reason #2: The second wife was sleeping with her boss.

Solution #1: That's what shotguns are for (see Salem's Lot)

Solution #2: That's what staplers are for (you know, those heavy-duty H&R Block type staples)

Seriously... I'm sorry man (and to all you guys that have had problems like this).  I can honestly say that I have no idea how I'd react to something like that... and I don't think any of us do until we've actually walked in those shoes.  I hope and pray that I never have to.

Yea, sorry man, that's terrible.

[Podaar]

Don't feel too sorry for me, folks. Third times the charm, as they say. Mrs. P and I just celebrated our 15th anniversary yesterday. She is completely and earth-shatteringly awesome. Those other blokes did me a favor...

[cramx3]

 

I should have known, I hated when people told me they were sorry my relationship didnt work out.  Why are you so sorry that I am so much happier?! I knew what they meant, but always had to make that point that I ended up being so much better off that saying sorry just didn't seem right. 

[Tick]

I should have known, I hated when people told me they were sorry my relationship didnt work out.  Why are you so sorry that I am so much happier?! I knew what they meant, but always had to make that point that I ended up being so much better off that saying sorry just didn't seem right.

I get sad when couple I love get divorced. For a few reasons, admittedly some of them selfish ones. If you are close to a couple and spend a lot of time with them its a bit of a blow when that changes.
Plus I just get disappointed when a marriage fails.I'm always hate to hear the words..."we're getting a divorce"