Reasons for divorce or what leads to divorce

[Phoenix87x]

I've been reflecting on my last relationship a lot. I was madly in love with her and she with me. It felt like we were soul mates and I pretty much was the happiest I had ever been when with her. After 10 years of dating various other people, this was the only girl I ever considered marrying.   

The single and only reason I did not marry her was that we were still in graduate school and thought it would be better to wait. As time passed I gradually watched the love cool off, interest fade, communication slowly start to stop, assumptions being made, starting to dig at each other. When it got to the point where we were just going through the motions, I broke it off. 

Point being, good thing we were in school, since If I would have married her, it probably would have ended in divorce, which is extremely disappointing since I don't know how I could have saved it or prevented it, so I really just want to walk away from that having learned something as to not make the same mistakes again. It feels like time just made it wither away.

so I was curious, if anyone had gone through a divorce and felt comfortable, could you share some of your experiences of how things started to unravel, and what you may have done differently, or lessons you've learned looking back on it. And for people that are still happily married feel free to share any hardships you may have faced and how you overcame them.

[TAC]

I just think that when you get married you make a commitment to get through the rough patches.

[Chino]

I just think that when you get married you make a commitment to get through the rough patches.

What if that rough patch is finding out that your wife has been cheating on you for the last three years with at least six different men and has now given you HIV?

[King Postwhore]

Brian, that's not a rough patch.  That's extreme.

[Sir GuitarCozmo]

You leave Nuno out of this.

[Prog Snob]

Brian, that's not a rough patch.  That's extreme.

In that case, you need to get the funk out. 

[Sir GuitarCozmo]

In either case, it sounds like Cupid's Dead.  May he Rest in Peace.

[Prog Snob]

Maybe if there was more pornograffitti in their lives, it would work out better. However, in divorce, like in life, there are three sides to every story: yours, mine, and the truth.

[Zydar]

That sounds like more than words to me.

[Prog Snob]

To the opening post, if you're marriage suffers from the same derailment as your thread, you might as well play with me. Wait...er....

[The Trooper]

  lol

[Sir GuitarCozmo]

Being serious, I married my ex, as a result of having met while I was in my Kiss Tribute band.  She was a big fan of Ace.  I think that was part of the mystique.  I moved in, we were together for a bit before getting married.  Eventually she realized that I wasn't Ace, I was a random guy that wanted laid on a regular basis, and expected her to do her share of the money earning.  She has a lot of issues.  Supposed physical issues.  Self-importance issues.  She's about the single most self-absorbed, responsibility-dodging, toxic human being I've ever had to associate myself with.  Lots of hangups about her childhood and perceived unfair treatment.

She eventually insisted that I had to leave.  Then at some point, after I'd started moving on with the current Mrs. C. (who she hated with a passion), she filed for divorce.  The way it works here is that there's an initial 90 day waiting period.  If after 90 days, both parties agree, then the divorce is granted.  If both parties don't agree, then it goes for 2 years from the filing date.  At THAT point, if both parties still don't agree, the one seeking it can have it granted.

So at 90 days, she realized I had moved on and was happy to let the divorce happen, because I just wanted to be rid of her and her controlling, self-centered crap.  So with that, she says "No, I'm gonna drag it out the whole two years, so I can stay on your medical insurance."  Even though she was the one who filed.  Whatever, no skin off my back.  At the two year point, I had my attorney push the issue with the court and I got the divorce.  It was one of the most liberating days of my entire life.

In the process, she'd managed to alienate her one brother AND her sister, by being a self-absorbed asshole.  She'd treated them and their parents like shit for a long time.  What does it say about her when her brother and sister chose me over her after the divorce?  I still hang out with them to this day.

[TAC]

So, you're not actually Ace Frehley??

...and all this time..

[Sir GuitarCozmo]

I know, right?

I think that once the day-to-day became a reality and the fantasy of the character I played when we met wore off, it wasn't nearly as enchanting as she presumed it would be.  Also, she ended up quitting her job and attempting one of those at-home medical transcription jobs.  Because she had "health issues" and couldn't seem to work well with others.  I think also expecting that somehow I would take care of everything.  I worked two jobs AND had the bands I was in and it still wasn't enough.  So ridiculous.

In contrast, Mrs. C. and I could not be happier together.  I have been to places and seen things and done things I never would have before.  I could not be happier with any other person on this planet.   

[Chino]

I had a drunk girl interested in me one time because I convinced her I was Zac Brown's younger brother.

[lonestar]

We were both alcoholics, totally codependent, and I was mentally off the charts at the time. I pretty much lit emotional fires every chance I got and watched the marriage burn.

[Chino]

We were both alcoholics, totally codependent, and I was mentally off the charts at the time. I pretty much lit emotional fires every chance I got and watched the marriage burn.

If you an Marina tie the knot, let me know. I need an excuse to go to Cali.

[Sir GuitarCozmo]

Also, there's the old (but fairly accurate joke):  Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

[The Trooper]

Mine was amicable. We did not drag it out. Did it thru mediation. We have 2 sons together (twin 9 year old boys) so we kept the split civil.

[cramx3]

I didn't go through a divorce since I never got married, but did have to end my engagement after a 9 year relationship.

Essentially, the basic reason was that neither of us were happy.  She failed to admit it for awhile, almost 2 years, where I told her explicitly how unhappy I was and that things needed to change for us for this to continue.  She disagreed.  We owned a house together so I couldn't just walk away, she had to agree to ending the relationship.  It took awhile, but some of the reasons for our unhappiness:

Her job, she took home her emotional stress after working with troubled children all day and would take it out on me
Sex, she was seemingly very uninterested in sex.  She wouldn't deny me, but also wouldn't do much participation.  When the relationship started getting stale, the sex just faded and once the sex stopped, the relationship was doomed
My selfishness, I like things my way and while my ex almost always left things to be my decisions since she never had input, she also always had a problem with my decisions usually leading to fights even when I was doing things to be nice to her (like take her out to dinner (she couldnt pick a place, but would be angry when I did), or take her to a show (literally ruined a theater show experience because I missed a turn on the way)).
Lost interest in wanting to do things together, see the above, over time I stopped putting effort into doing things together because they almost always lead to a fight between us even when my intentions were 100% sincere for us to be happy together.
Jealousy, she was EXTREMELY jealous girl because she had little self esteem.  She thought every girl I talked to or looked at, that I wanted to be with instead of her.  I never cheated on her in the 9 years together.
Substance abuse, as things got worse she started drinking more, almost always coming home to a bottle of wine.  I started drinking more too.  Ultimately getting a DUI in my depressed state I was in and hitting rock bottom.

For the longest time I couldn't picture myself with someone else.  I devoted all my time and money to her and our relationship.  I was left with nothing when it was done and couldnt of been any happier to get that monkey off my back.  In the 20 months since then I've recovered all the money I lost plus a lot more (didn't realize how much of a money leech she was on me), refinanced my house so it's all mine, travelled a lot, and am currently getting into better shape.  Life is much better.

[Stadler]

I had a drunk girl interested in me one time because I convinced her I was Zac Brown's younger brother.

Drunk girls are awesome.  I ended up almost having sex with a drunk girl (we both were) I met at a Jimmy Buffett concert after getting into a fight with her over whether "funner" was a word.  As in "this is funner than that".   I think my winning argument was "Who's stupider than you for not knowing "funner" is a word?" (It's all in the delivery.  And yes, it's a word, though little used). 

[Stadler]

Seriously, though, I don't think there's any one answer.   I don't at all mean to suggest that Coz is wrong or misinformed, since my divorce seems to have some parallels to his, but I would venture to sya that if you asked both of our exes, they would have a similar story against us.  At least I know mine would.  She blames me for everything (including cheating first, even though that never happened; I have never actually met the girl in question and I can prove that, but she doesn't believe it.)

Some psychologists feel the single biggest predictor is when one partner comes to feel contempt for the other, and I see a lot of merit in that.   I know for me, I was married for almost 15 years, had a kid, and even though we had rough patches we made it through as long as there was respect.   Then a rough patch was "I lost my job" and it seemed like her lack of respect for me - her contempt - grew exponentially.  The arguments became angrier and more violent (and personal).  The physical aspect was lost (though cheating - which started at this time - had a lot to do with that; there was no incentive to understand "why don't I feel attracted to him anymore"). 

Divorce is a sticky subject.  My kid - who is excellent in every way, and everything I can ask for in a child - bore the most scars from our divorce, and I fought it tooth and nail even though now I feel like it was the best thing for me by a long shot.  I'm still up in the air about whether I'd do it again, though, because of my kid.  I'm starting to feel like maybe it was the best thing for her too, but I'm nowhere near certain on that. 

[Sir GuitarCozmo]

Oh, I have zero doubt that she would say that I was the problem.  I'm sure I wasn't the best husband I could be, but everybody who knows the two of us says I damn sure tried.  The people who've known her longer have told me in no uncertain terms that she has always been a manipulative asshole who has always put the blame for her problems on someone or something else.  So that gives me at least a little reassurance that I was probably fighting a losing battle from the get-go and that it WAS more her than me.

[vtgrad]

While I was reading Coz's posts, I kept waiting for the "Carrie on my wayward son" line to finish the story... so I could spit water all over my laptop.

In all seriousness; I've not experienced Divorce personally (though I've had many clients who have; a few more than once).  My wife and I were high school sweethearts and we've been together in total for 18-yrs (married for 9-years)... half my life and more than half of hers.  We had our rough patch during a two year period while we were both in college... I thought the grass was greener on the other side (with four different types of grass) and so did she.  I realized that it wasn't greener on the other side and that I actually already had everything I could have ever wanted or dreamed of; she took me back (probably when she shouldn't have) and we've been happily married ever since.  I feel I'm the most blessed man alive.

My point is that all relationships hit rough patches (some very rough), and the key to navigating those waters, at least with us, is complete and total honesty.  We have always been completely honest with each other and we talk our issues out completely (communication); and we're committed to each other on the deepest level.  We've never had another rough patch even close to our college days; but even in those days, we were still seeing each other.  I couldn't let her go, and she couldn't let me go... even though we were seeing other people.  I'm honestly eternally grateful to God for that rough patch, because I realized what I had and that nobody else could even come close to filling the void that she would have left (believe me, I tried).  We have chemistry like I've never had with any other woman (sexual, spiritual, temporal, communication... every level); but I think that immediate honesty may be more important that most of our chemistry.

[Sir GuitarCozmo]

While I was reading Coz's posts, I kept waiting for the "Carrie on my wayward son" line to finish the story... so I could spit water all over my laptop.

  Amazingly, for as miserable as my ex made my life in general (I could go into considerably great detail about the hoops I had to jump through as a resident of "her" house, and I could go on for days - people always get big eyes and ask WTF is wrong with me that I stayed with this person), I try to tell myself it was for the best.  Had I not met my ex, and moved here and spent several years of my life with her, I'd have never met my current wife.  The hell I went through, put me in a better place, with a better person, which is something I try not to take lightly.  There's no doubt, I went through some serious hell with my ex, but again, were it not for that, I wouldn't be where I am today.  Loving my wife as much as I do, every second I have with her is worth whatever I went through to get to her.

[King Postwhore]

Any struggles make you a better person after.  Oh and Joan Jett "I Hate Myself For Loving You" is perfect for what Coz went through.

[The Trooper]

Any struggles make you a better person after. 

Agree King!

A saying that in the work I do........... "The Only Easy Day Was Yesterday"

[cramx3]

Any struggles make you a better person after. 

Agree King!

A saying that in the work I do........... "The Only Easy Day Was Yesterday"

Couldn't agree more as well.  Learned so much going through my own struggles and came out significantly stronger.

[The Trooper]

Same here dude.

[Cool Chris]

Sex and/or money and/or addiction issues.

[cramx3]

Sex and/or money and/or addiction issues.

All of the above lol

My ex definitely had a money thing too.  She really wanted to make more money than me, but it seemed like her motive was to just rub it in my face.  She would always say she'd be making more so my response was always, that's fine with me, I could be a stay at home dad if you will be making such good money and she'd always get pissed.  I never thought it was a competition since mine was hers, but it was clear during the break up that mine was hers and hers was hers.  I was never so bitter about the money situation until she accidentally told me how much money was in her savings account... double what I had saved and was one of the last honest moments she probably had with me before it was over. 

[Cable]

Sorry, have not read other replies yet. In reply to OP Phoenix, my soon to be Divorce has details very close to your breakup/divorce IMO. Me and my ex dated for two years, and after her openly know I g it was coming, I proposed in 2.5 years from the start. We Married two years later. We were married for at least a total of 6 (don't know when it will be final). About 6plus of the total 8 years were awesome.

My details are similar now in that we both completed university graduate programs after our wedding. We were both in the intro-middle of our programs before and after the wedding, with my ex doing awesome at school and planning. We also held down full time jobs. No kids.

And within the past two years or so, stuff came to a head I feel for us in the same way your relationship did. I have IMO a real perspective of romantic relationships. I did as much wrong as she did, and/or vice versa. I know I never made her consistently feel as awesome as she is. There are some things I believe that happened, but I have no concrete information. So therefore, I just accept the relationship failure as that, doesn't matter the reason. The relationship is just broken, and us as a consensus didn't do much to try to fix it.

I can relate I think in that the finality hit hard, was unexpected and thought this one would last forever. We got a home loan, my fertility was checked, and that was the next step as we grew in our careers together and as a potential new immediate family. My overall complacency and comfort from the always possible end was my biggest fault.

~edit, below added in~

Seriously, though, I don't think there's any one answer.   I don't at all mean to suggest that Coz is wrong or misinformed, since my divorce seems to have some parallels to his, but I would venture to sya that if you asked both of our exes, they would have a similar story against us.  At least I know mine would.  She blames me for everything (including cheating first, even though that never happened; I have never actually met the girl in question and I can prove that, but she doesn't believe it.)

***Cut for length, don't want to have a huge post length. All your content is relevant***

Well stated Stadler, your entire post.

Captain Obvious here- I think the overall theme is things change, people change. Or at least their feelings towards each other change. Generally, it never starts that way. But distance grows for a various reasons. Job loss, job gain, kid gain, kid loss, sickness, death, extended family, reckless behavior and on and on. I do feel both sides long for what was, and lament over what is.  I do not think anyone with a time machine would go through multiple break-ups. And no matter the percentage of blame if we break it into that, but sides share some, and both really dislike that it ended. I do not think most people in "healthy" relationships (non-abusive) are excited and want a break-up. My only thought is relief for it being over, but not excitement.

[kirksnosehair]

My first marriage was pretty much a disaster from the start.  First off, it was a shotgun wedding.  I knocked up a girl whose name I didn't even know.  In fact, I didn't even remember doing the deed with her but the paternity test confirmed it.  So, her father -who was supposedly "connected" in NCY told me to marry her or he'd have one of his associates remove my testicles with a rusty fork.


Needless to say, I chose option A 


But it was doomed from the start, mostly because she was apparently Cozmo's ex's lost twin 

[kirksnosehair]

By the way, I think I read someplace that money and sex are the two most common reasons cited for divorce

[Sir GuitarCozmo]

she was apparently Cozmo's ex's lost twin 

My condolences.  Did I mention that my ex was also CRUSHINGLY insecure?  She'd had serious acne as a kid, and it resulted in a lot of facial scarring.  She wore pretty heavy makeup to try to cover it up, but the rule was that once she removed her makeup just prior to bed, I was not to look her in the eye.  If I did, she'd flip her shit.

Also, here's an example of her inability to accept responsibility for being an idiot.  I'd bought her some bedsheets she had specifically asked for from Victoria's Secret.  I called and ordered them over the phone.  So for Christmas that year, I thought "Let me check their website to see if they have a matching comforter".  Well, this being maybe 2002, and computers AND the internet being way slower then, I get on the site, try to navigate to where I'm going, I hear her coming, and can't minimize the screen fast enough.  She comes in, sees a VS model wearing next to nothing on the screen (an ad on the site's front page), and loses it.  Throws the office chair at the wall and makes a huge hole.  Even after I explain what I was doing, she was still mad (as I said, very insecure), so at some point, I ask if she's going to do anything to fix the wall, and she says no.  I say why not, it's kinda your fault there's a hole there.

Nope, not her fault.  It's the fault of the people that built the place for not making the wall capable of withstanding the force of an office chair.  She was dead serious.






I could go on with plenty more stories like this that would leave you literally shaking your head and yelling at your computer screen.  I won't.