Is being a stay at home mom really that much work?

[gmillerdrake]

What the f--- with names these days?   I was at a lacrosse game for my daughter, and it took me almost the entire first half to realize that when they were yelling "Teigan!" and "Cricket!" and "Brinley!" (actual names, by the way) they were referring to actual players on the field.    What about "Karen"? "Elizabeth"? "Christine"? "Maria"? 

I'm with ya on that.....it seems the 'cool' thing to do is to have a very random, "unique" name no matter how horrible it sounds. Our Pastors son (who is a guitarist/songwriter) just named his newborn daughter 'Lyric'.      she has to live life being called Lyric......

[ariich]

On top of all the good points made in this thread, I also think the title of "stay at home mom" is a few decades out of date. Glad to see most people referring to stay at home parents instead.

Get with the times, Chino.

[JustJen]

I haven't read through all the replies yet, but my initial reaction is to say that if we're comparing being a stay-at-home parent with other work, then surely it depends on what other kind of work we're talking about. If someone says that being a stay-at-home mother is the hardest job there is, I have to wonder what other jobs she's done to reach that conclusion.

There's a world of difference - in the sense of stress levels and responsibility - between, say, being a shop assistant in a boutique in Knightsbridge and being a junior doctor working night shifts in an inner city hospital. With respect, most of the things Jen listed on her "what I do during the day" list could have been summed up in a single word: housework. Imagine if a surgeon or a pilot or an air traffic controller or a solider in Iraq were to divide his day up in the same way, their lists would be novel-length, and every item on those lists would eclipse every item on Jen's list in terms of stress levels.

Agreed. And with all due respect Jen, not all of what you listed is even related to parenting.

Keep in mind, the thread was a very simple little bit of writing at the time I began my reply. It was nothing but a title: "Is being a stay at home mom really that much work?" and then the opening post comparing a typical day's work in the home versus out of the home for a typical stay at home parent versus typical working parent.

All I did was say, okay, here's a lit of what I do as one example of a stay at home parent. The implied part was, "you tell me, IS being a stay at home mom really that much work?". A lot of people have said "no, compared to what I do/my mom did/a lot of people do, that really isn't that much" to which I say, fair enough. I never asked for sympathy and I really have no vested interest in contributing to the conversation. I love being a mom, even though it's been harder than anyone can ever imagine. I'm glad so many of you can do so much more in a day than I can without feeling overwhelmed or over-extended or over-worked. But this arrangement works for my husband and I still after 23 years (one of the few things in our lives that does work effortlessly ) so I figured I had the life experience to contribute. Sorry if my method rubbed some people the wrong way.

[ariich]

There was definitely nothing wrong with your post, Jen.

But yes, of course some jobs are incredibly demanding and stressful. But ultimately, all jobs and lifestyles (of which one is home-maker or house-spouse) are different, and suit different personalities. My fiancee and I are similar to how Jen describes her family - we don't have infinite energy. If we were both working full time, we would need to hire a cleaner, gardener etc. in order to get all the "home" stuff done. Some people have a crazy amount of energy and can do high pressure jobs AND all the housework that's needed. But that doesn't apply to everyone.

But home-making or whatever you want to call it is pretty tiring, and especially so if you have kids. Less so than some jobs, definitely, but more so than other jobs too.

[Fluffy Lothario]

While I'm never going to try and convince someone that it's not difficult, I have no sympathy for people who bitch about how hard parenting is and expect the world to pat them on the back. EVERYONE who isn't a total moron knows what parenting is about in advance. And especially these days, you have all the opportunities in the world not to bring this state of affairs upon yourself. So if it is indeed something you chose to have in your life, then shut up and deal with it.

On a related note, I also hate how, despite that difficulty being common knowledge, it's still the generally agreed upon default stance of society that parenting is something you MUST wish upon yourself or there's something wrong with you.

[orcus116]

At least you somewhat have a choice of what job though. If you're a parent, you're stuck with the suck.^TM

Becoming a parent is a choice. You don't just wake up one day with a crying, poop-covered newborn next to you.

I dunno, man. My friend woke up from a bad blackout in his bed covered in adoption papers. Granted they were just for some kid in Africa who may or may not be real but your scenario is a possibility.

[JustJen]

On a related note, I also hate how, despite that difficulty being common knowledge, it's still the generally agreed upon default stance of society that parenting is something you MUST wish upon yourself or there's something wrong with you.

Agreed 100%.

[lonestar]

Bit late to the party, and I ain't got time to read through, but I'm tempted toshow this to my mom (raised five boys) and let her respond...

[bout to crash]

Jen, I wasn't saying your approach was wrong, and I didnt see anybody say they can do more than you without being exhausted. The rest of my post bascaly said the opposite- I do a lot, I'm exhausted, I ignore lots of household things, and there is no way I want parent levels of responsibility. Just presenting another perspective. The point is there are lots of hard jobs out there. Some people are better suited for certain ones. Mine is exhausting as fuck, and I still would not trade it for yours because I do ultimately think it's more difficult and continues for the rest of your life in some respects.

[MetalJunkie]

Bit late to the party, and I ain't got time to read through, but I'm tempted toshow this to my mom (raised five boys) and let her respond...

If it'll save you time, I'll show it to her tonight.

[TioJorge]

...and MetalJunkie was never heard from again.

[Progmetty]

I used to think stay at home parent was easier than having a full time job, basically cause I thought life would be sweet if I did't have to put socks and shoes on everyday or wake up anytime before 8 am, I have 16 month old twins and my wife stayed at home to take care of them then I got laid off from my job and now I'm here to see what her day looks like and it's truly a tough job primarily because you have to stay alert all the time, chores aside, that is something that I've always struggled with generally, at least with normal jobs you can get a system going and a routine to go with it.
I do however believe that once they pass the "baby" phase and establish communication, things will get so much easier, cause IMO the main factor that makes the whole thing difficult is that they're not yet able to understand commands yet, I believe once they understand "eat", "sleep" and "don't touch that" then it will became just merely equal in difficulty to be a stay at home parent as it is to have a full time job.

[MetalJunkie]

...and MetalJunkie was never heard from again.

I hope lonestar's not mad at me.  I saw the opportunity and had to take it. 

[Podaar]

I used to think stay at home parent was easier than having a full time job, basically cause I thought life would be sweet if I did't have to put socks and shoes on everyday or wake up anytime before 8 am, I have 16 month old twins and my wife stayed at home to take care of them then I got laid off from my job and now I'm here to see what her day looks like and it's truly a tough job primarily because you have to stay alert all the time, chores aside, that is something that I've always struggled with generally, at least with normal jobs you can get a system going and a routine to go with it.
I do however believe that once they pass the "baby" phase and establish communication, things will get so much easier, cause IMO the main factor that makes the whole thing difficult is that they're not yet able to understand commands yet, I believe once they understand "eat", "sleep" and "don't touch that" then it will became just merely equal in difficulty to be a stay at home parent as it is to have a full time job.

Oh, boy. You're in for a rude awakening. Get back with us when it get's easier and we'll see you in 2030! Assuming, of course, you don't decide to have any more kids.

Good luck, in any case.

[JustJen]

I used to think stay at home parent was easier than having a full time job, basically cause I thought life would be sweet if I did't have to put socks and shoes on everyday or wake up anytime before 8 am, I have 16 month old twins and my wife stayed at home to take care of them then I got laid off from my job and now I'm here to see what her day looks like and it's truly a tough job primarily because you have to stay alert all the time, chores aside, that is something that I've always struggled with generally, at least with normal jobs you can get a system going and a routine to go with it.
I do however believe that once they pass the "baby" phase and establish communication, things will get so much easier, cause IMO the main factor that makes the whole thing difficult is that they're not yet able to understand commands yet, I believe once they understand "eat", "sleep" and "don't touch that" then it will became just merely equal in difficulty to be a stay at home parent as it is to have a full time job.

Oh, boy. You're in for a rude awakening. Get back with us when it get's easier and we'll see you in 2030! Assuming, of course, you don't decide to have any more kids.

Good luck, in any case.

Yeah I wasn't gonna say anything about the joys of raising teenagers and young adults.

[Podaar]

What floored me was his assumption that because they can understand language they will automatically obey instructions. 

[The Trooper]

Bit late to the party, and I ain't got time to read through, but I'm tempted toshow this to my mom (raised five boys) and let her respond...

If it'll save you time, I'll show it to her tonight.

 

[Stadler]

On a related note, I also hate how, despite that difficulty being common knowledge, it's still the generally agreed upon default stance of society that parenting is something you MUST wish upon yourself or there's something wrong with you.

I've heard that complaint here before, but honestly, I didn't welcome my daughter until I was 33, and I never felt ANY of that.   I do know this, though, that FOR ME, I thought I knew what love was before, and even told a couple girls "I love you" and now I feel like I flat-out lied to them because I had no idea.  Until my daughter was born.  Is it easy?  Of course not.  Is it frustrating? Tiresome?  Hard work?  Stressful?  Of course.   But it is BY FAR the most rewarding thing I've ever done.  Not even close.

[Chino]

On a related note, I also hate how, despite that difficulty being common knowledge, it's still the generally agreed upon default stance of society that parenting is something you MUST wish upon yourself or there's something wrong with you.

I've heard that complaint here before, but honestly, I didn't welcome my daughter until I was 33, and I never felt ANY of that.   I do know this, though, that FOR ME, I thought I knew what love was before, and even told a couple girls "I love you" and now I feel like I flat-out lied to them because I had no idea.  Until my daughter was born.  Is it easy?  Of course not.  Is it frustrating? Tiresome?  Hard work?  Stressful?  Of course.   But it is BY FAR the most rewarding thing I've ever done.  Not even close.

Assuming the household income wouldn't be impacted, would you rather practice law or stay home with a kid all day?

[JustJen]

What floored me was his assumption that because they can understand language they will automatically obey instructions. 

They use it to out-logic you into early dementia.

I remember when my oldest asked me if he could be allowed to say "ass" as long as he used it to mean "donkey". I was skeptical but said we could try it for five minutes.

He instantly launched into five straight minutes of what I have to assume was pre-rehearsed material, despite him being about ten years old:

"My ass is hairy"
"My ass stinks, it needs a bath"
"Wanna pet my ass?"

and my personal favorite -

"Old Mac Donald had an ass, ass ass ass ass ass."

[Sir GuitarCozmo]

While I'm never going to try and convince someone that it's not difficult, I have no sympathy for people who bitch about how hard parenting is and expect the world to pat them on the back. EVERYONE who isn't a total moron knows what parenting is about in advance. And especially these days, you have all the opportunities in the world not to bring this state of affairs upon yourself. So if it is indeed something you chose to have in your life, then shut up and deal with it.

On a related note, I also hate how, despite that difficulty being common knowledge, it's still the generally agreed upon default stance of society that parenting is something you MUST wish upon yourself or there's something wrong with you.

^This is awesome.

People get all besides themselves sometimes when I tell them that I truly know myself well enough to know that I would never ever have the patience to have a child of my own and that I would be resentful that it had forever changed the lifestyle that I have become accustomed to enjoying.  I'm selfish.  I won't ever deny it.  I know myself well enough to know that no child would deserve to have me for a parent.

[Hyperplex]

I wanted to be a dad. I was scared out of my motherfucking mind about being a dad, but I knew I wanted it. Turns out I'm not so bad at it. It's a ton of work, but it's the most rewarding thing I've ever done with my life.

That said, there are a great many people I know that have determined childrearing is not for them, and that is an awesome decision for them. It isn't what they want to do, and rather than permanently detour the life they want, bring a child into a family that really doesn't want it, and hold resentment forever, they have put themselves on the path that works for them, and that is fantastic. People who decide to have a family and then feel surprised at the work it entails can lick the least wiped part of a hobo's asshole. Sure there are surprises and things you can't necessarily anticipate, but one can't possibly expect it to be a cakewalk. I have no sympathy for people like that.

People who know their strengths and weaknesses well enough to balance their decisions with their deep desires deserve respect for making the right choices. People who just don't think and then complain about the results deserve what they get.

[cramx3]

While I'm never going to try and convince someone that it's not difficult, I have no sympathy for people who bitch about how hard parenting is and expect the world to pat them on the back. EVERYONE who isn't a total moron knows what parenting is about in advance. And especially these days, you have all the opportunities in the world not to bring this state of affairs upon yourself. So if it is indeed something you chose to have in your life, then shut up and deal with it.

On a related note, I also hate how, despite that difficulty being common knowledge, it's still the generally agreed upon default stance of society that parenting is something you MUST wish upon yourself or there's something wrong with you.

^This is awesome.

People get all besides themselves sometimes when I tell them that I truly know myself well enough to know that I would never ever have the patience to have a child of my own and that I would be resentful that it had forever changed the lifestyle that I have become accustomed to enjoying.  I'm selfish.  I won't ever deny it.  I know myself well enough to know that no child would deserve to have me for a parent.

Bingo for me.  I'm a selfish asshole, therefore being a parent is not something that is for me, for now at least.

[Chino]

I'd love to be a dad, but my girlfriend and I almost killed our dog twice in its first year (once my fault, once hers).

[Implode]

Chino, to me it sounds less like you're saying being a stay at home parent is easier than working a normal acceptable job, but more like you're saying that it sounds like a better deal than travelling an obnoxious amount of time to a hellish and anxiety inducing environment every day.

I think that's fair, though it says a lot more about your job than it does about how much work a SAHP does. Being a SAHP is one of the hardest jobs you can do, but I doubt many people would describe it with nearly as much vitriol as you do your job.

[hefdaddy42]

Chino, you just need a different job, dude.

[Chino]

Chino, to me it sounds less like you're saying being a stay at home parent is easier than working a normal acceptable job, but more like you're saying that it sounds like a better deal than travelling an obnoxious amount of time to a hellish and anxiety inducing environment every day.

That's exactly what I'm saying. It wasn't my intention to make it sound as though I thought being a stay at home parent was easy. I know it's a shitload of work and probably tiring as hell. I get that it's basically a non-stop 24-7 gig. Even taking all that into consideration, I'd trade my job (and all other jobs I've had to this point) for that in a heartbeat. No questions asked. I'd also like to point out that someone staying at home with 3, 4, or 5 kids is a lot different than the scenario that triggered this post. This girl has one child a few months old, and she's making it sound like it's the absolute worst thing in the world. She can't wait to get back into her office. I can see how raising young kids in the 2-5 range could be a nightmare, but a single 5 month old? I just can't imagine it being THAT difficult. She was making it sound like she has to wake up and storm the beaches of Normandy every day.

[ariich]

Chino, to me it sounds less like you're saying being a stay at home parent is easier than working a normal acceptable job, but more like you're saying that it sounds like a better deal than travelling an obnoxious amount of time to a hellish and anxiety inducing environment every day.

I think that's fair, though it says a lot more about your job than it does about how much work a SAHP does. Being a SAHP is one of the hardest jobs you can do, but I doubt many people would describe it with nearly as much vitriol as you do your job.

Chino, you just need a different job, dude.

These chaps hit the nail on the head.

[ariich]

Chino, to me it sounds less like you're saying being a stay at home parent is easier than working a normal acceptable job, but more like you're saying that it sounds like a better deal than travelling an obnoxious amount of time to a hellish and anxiety inducing environment every day.

That's exactly what I'm saying. It wasn't my intention to make it sound as though I thought being a stay at home parent was easy. I know it's a shitload of work and probably tiring as hell. I get that it's basically a non-stop 24-7 gig. Even taking all that into consideration, I'd trade my job (and all other jobs I've had to this point) for that in a heartbeat. No questions asked. I'd also like to point out that someone staying at home with 3, 4, or 5 kids is a lot different than the scenario that triggered this post. This girl has one child a few months old, and she's making it sound like it's the absolute worst thing in the world. She can't wait to get back into her office. I can see how raising young kids in the 2-5 range could be a nightmare, but a single 5 month old? I just can't imagine it being THAT difficult. She was making it sound like she has to wake up and storm the beaches of Normandy every day.

It depends on the child, but that age can be the hardest for some. Some cry and scream a LOT. And they all basically shit everywhere.

So yes, even a single 5-month old child can be much harder work than the majority of full time jobs.

[Sir GuitarCozmo]

[Chino]

 

[Dublagent66]

LOL Coz.

On top of all the good points made in this thread, I also think the title of "stay at home mom" is a few decades out of date. Glad to see most people referring to stay at home parents instead.

Get with the times, Chino.

Stay at home parents?  Who's going to work to support?  Getting with the times would mean both parents not at home.  Unless you mean both parents working from home and not everyone can do that.

To answer the thread title.  Yes, being a stay at home mom really is that much work.

[mikeyd23]

That's exactly what I'm saying. It wasn't my intention to make it sound as though I thought being a stay at home parent was easy. I know it's a shitload of work and probably tiring as hell. I get that it's basically a non-stop 24-7 gig. Even taking all that into consideration, I'd trade my job (and all other jobs I've had to this point) for that in a heartbeat. No questions asked. I'd also like to point out that someone staying at home with 3, 4, or 5 kids is a lot different than the scenario that triggered this post. This girl has one child a few months old, and she's making it sound like it's the absolute worst thing in the world. She can't wait to get back into her office. I can see how raising young kids in the 2-5 range could be a nightmare, but a single 5 month old? I just can't imagine it being THAT difficult. She was making it sound like she has to wake up and storm the beaches of Normandy every day.

  Your naivety toward the subject is kinda funny. Like I said before, you're making really big assumptions based on zero experience and/or knowledge, haha.

Also, this:

Chino, you just need a different job, dude.

I'm not sure exactly what you do, but there's no way I'd put up with some of the crap you are dealing with at your job. Take matters in to your own hands and start looking for a new position at a different company.

[Stadler]

On a related note, I also hate how, despite that difficulty being common knowledge, it's still the generally agreed upon default stance of society that parenting is something you MUST wish upon yourself or there's something wrong with you.

I've heard that complaint here before, but honestly, I didn't welcome my daughter until I was 33, and I never felt ANY of that.   I do know this, though, that FOR ME, I thought I knew what love was before, and even told a couple girls "I love you" and now I feel like I flat-out lied to them because I had no idea.  Until my daughter was born.  Is it easy?  Of course not.  Is it frustrating? Tiresome?  Hard work?  Stressful?  Of course.   But it is BY FAR the most rewarding thing I've ever done.  Not even close.

Assuming the household income wouldn't be impacted, would you rather practice law or stay home with a kid all day?

Stay home with a kid.   I thought about this only as long as it took me to type.   

[Stadler]

I'd love to be a dad, but my girlfriend and I almost killed our dog twice in its first year (once my fault, once hers).

But you didn't.  The one thing you learn - after many sleepless nights (I actually slept only about an hour or so the first 72 hours of my daughter's life) - is that they are resilient motherfuckers. 

I get what Fluffy and Coz are saying, and I totally respect them; who I feel are more, I don't know, "suspect" or "ripe for criticism" are those that think that they can have kids and yet nothing will change.   It HAS to.  Though, for me personally, the only thing that REALLY changed is that my substance abuse has been drastically reduced.  I still go see concerts and travel* - all with the blessing of a supportive partner - but to do all things we've talked about here with a hangover or a buzz on is no bueno.   

* though this is different; I haven't taken an international pleasure trip since my daughter's birth, which blows.