Is being a stay at home mom really that much work?

[Hyperplex]

But you have a choice in what you do with that 9-5. At some point you accepted a job offer. It may not be your dream job or even one you enjoy, but you had the opportunity to say Yes or No, and said Yes. That is my point. I understand that circumstances can make it so there is very little if any chance one would ever reject a job offer, but it is still a choice. Many people choose careers knowing they will be working ridiculously long hours, such as doctors. They still choose the profession for any number of reasons, not the least of which is earning potential. People choose to become parents because they want to start a family, raise children, extend the family name, or just have a little person to love. They do this despite the turmoils and troubles that come along with it, because the rewards outweigh the struggles.

[Hyperplex]

At least you somewhat have a choice of what job though. If you're a parent, you're stuck with the suck.^TM

Becoming a parent is a choice. You don't just wake up one day with a crying, poop-covered newborn next to you.

[BlobVanDam]

At least you somewhat have a choice of what job though. If you're a parent, you're stuck with the suck.^TM

Becoming a parent is a choice. You don't just wake up one day with a crying, poop-covered newborn next to you.

I'd say as often as not, becoming a parent is a case of "oops, pregnant" rather than a planned choice. Of course you have the choice of getting rid of the kid, but a lot of people will rather have it, planned or not and deal with the consequences.
I can't think of a scenario where you'd accidentally have a job. And you can quit the job and get another if you hate it.

I don't envy being a parent. I'll add this thread to the long list of the "WTF Chino" series.

[Hyperplex]

I already mentioned that I wasn't talking about unplanned pregnancies, because most of the time, you have full control over what happens.

And, in my opinion, people who are careless and don't take precautions if they are not looking to have kids get what they deserve when their lives are forever changed with the new arrival. It's not something to screw with.

[ich bin besser]

So, my daily chore list:

laundry
pay bills/check credit scores/reconcile bank statement
do shopping
attend parent teacher conferences
schedule doctor and dentist visits
take children to appointments, drum lessons, friends houses

Every single one every day? Wow...

[Stadler]

I hope I can walk the line with some grace and respect, but I'm parked right in the middle, and leaning toward "el Barto".  I've done it, for about 10 months or so, and while I really think it is dependent on the person, I have to say that the intangibles FOR ME make being a stay-at-home parent the preferred choice.

I also think the words we're using are prejudicing the answer.  OF COURSE it's "work".   But so is playing guitar eight hours a day, and so is keeping yourself fit and in shape.  But we do it, usually without complaint, because the rewards are worth it. 

For me, it's not the waking up early - I do that anyway - and it's not the cleaning - I do that anyway - and it's not the paying attention to my kid - I do that anyway.   It's the benefit of doing something FOR ME and my family, as opposed to the nameless and faceless.   I'm the judge of whether that shower is clean enough, or whether that Sloppy Joe is tasty enough.   When I'm at work, I'm reviewing a contract for a boob that doesn't know the first fucking thing about a commercial deal, and just wants to know "why isn't it SIGNED YET!"   Whinier than my kid has EVER been.   I don't get to put on my iPod or better yet, my stereo when I'm presenting my contract brief to my boss, but I can when I'm cleaning the kitchen.   

I don't begrudge the work; it is hard and physical, and anyone who can look at their own sick child (I mean ill with a cold, not twisted and dark) and not have it pull at their heart is a way better (or colder) person than I am.   

Plus, this stuff isn't static.  From the age of 0 to say 4, yeah, it's all kid poop, all the time.  But from 5 on, now you have school.  Granted, you're a full-fledged Uber driver at that point, but it changes, and hopefully the poop output is a little more controlled.  Then at say 10 or 12, it changes again.   

I don't know; I just feel it's apples and oranges to a large degree, and where it's not, it's a lot dependent on the person staying home.  I know my ex would have shot the mailman within a week of being a stay at home mom, but that's on her, not the job. 

[King Postwhore]

What happens is a lot of the little things are missed when both parents work.

Also, we also needited to think of human nature when it comes to the stay at home parent. Over time some feel that they are missing something just being home.  They need to feel appreciated. They take on a lot of things that releases pressure from the other parent to focus on their job to provide.

[El Barto]

I tend to be of the opinion that a job is always work and is something you're required to do. If I were lucky enough to have a job banging hot 19 year old Japanese girls for a living, I'd still get tired of it after a while. While it's true that you have a choice, and there will always be things you like about it (like my entire example), you're required to do it whether you really want to or not.

[BlobVanDam]

If I were lucky enough to have a job banging hot 19 year old Japanese girls for a living, I'd still get tired of it after a while.

For all our differences, we appear to have the same dream job.

That's something I'd love to get tired of.

[El Barto]

If I were lucky enough to have a job banging hot 19 year old Japanese girls for a living, I'd still get tired of it after a while.

For all our differences, we appear to have the same dream job.

That's something I'd love to get tired of.

No you wouldn't. Where could you possibly go from there? You'd probably have to turn gay, like a certain flamboyant, blond haired, 70s/80s rock singer.   

[Stadler]

If I were lucky enough to have a job banging hot 19 year old Japanese girls for a living, I'd still get tired of it after a while.

For all our differences, we appear to have the same dream job.

That's something I'd love to get tired of.

No you wouldn't. Where could you possibly go from there? You'd probably have to turn gay, like a certain flamboyant, blond haired, 70s/80s rock singer.   

Way to narrow it down.  NOT. 

[BlobVanDam]

If I were lucky enough to have a job banging hot 19 year old Japanese girls for a living, I'd still get tired of it after a while.

For all our differences, we appear to have the same dream job.

That's something I'd love to get tired of.

No you wouldn't. Where could you possibly go from there? You'd probably have to turn gay, like a certain flamboyant, blond haired, 70s/80s rock singer.   

I more meant the principle of banging that many hot asian chicks, an increase from my current running total of 0.
If I actually got tired of it, I don't know what else I'd have to aspire to in life. Supreme ruler of Earth maybe?

[Stadler]

I more meant the principle of banging that many hot asian chicks, an increase from my current running total of 0.

HAHAHAHA, we're neck and neck on that one.   

[The Trooper]

Make that 3

[Dave_Manchester]

I haven't read through all the replies yet, but my initial reaction is to say that if we're comparing being a stay-at-home parent with other work, then surely it depends on what other kind of work we're talking about. If someone says that being a stay-at-home mother is the hardest job there is, I have to wonder what other jobs she's done to reach that conclusion.

There's a world of difference - in the sense of stress levels and responsibility - between, say, being a shop assistant in a boutique in Knightsbridge and being a junior doctor working night shifts in an inner city hospital. With respect, most of the things Jen listed on her "what I do during the day" list could have been summed up in a single word: housework. Imagine if a surgeon or a pilot or an air traffic controller or a solider in Iraq were to divide his day up in the same way, their lists would be novel-length, and every item on those lists would eclipse every item on Jen's list in terms of stress levels.

It also matters how people approach parenting. Different generation I know but my mother was brought up, along with her 5 sisters and 1 brother, in a rough part of Manchester by very poor (financially I mean) parents who pretty much left all the kids to their own devices. The pub still stands where every afternoon my granddad and grandmother would sink a few pints before the kids finished school. They all turned out fine. Whereas I know parents nowadays who work themselves up into absurd levels of 'stress' over making sure Jacob and Tullulah-Jade have their gluten-free breakfasts ready on time, and making the hour-long dash in the Mondeo to Waitrose for the fair-trade coffee. Which is all fine if those are the things that matter to you, but don't make it out to be 'hard work'. And I recognise I've given 2 extremes there, but the point stands - I've seen parents in middle-class England who turn themselves grey with the task of raising one child, and I've seen parents raise a brood in places like Kazakhstan and Siberia who do it without the slightest trace of effort. 

Is it hard to be a stay-at-home parent? Yes, no doubt. But at the same time, if someone says it's the hardest job in the world, I have to think they may be over-complicating it.     

[Stadler]

Haha, side bar here, but since we're on parenting, it may be appropriate:

What the f--- with names these days?   I was at a lacrosse game for my daughter, and it took me almost the entire first half to realize that when they were yelling "Teigan!" and "Cricket!" and "Brinley!" (actual names, by the way) they were referring to actual players on the field.    What about "Karen"? "Elizabeth"? "Christine"? "Maria"? 

(There's a great chapter in the first "Freakonomics" about this, and the class relationship of names).

[Dublagent66]

lol Chino WTF

Yeah, some people have too much time on their hands, right hef?

[BlobVanDam]

Haha, side bar here, but since we're on parenting, it may be appropriate:

What the f--- with names these days?   I was at a lacrosse game for my daughter, and it took me almost the entire first half to realize that when they were yelling "Teigan!" and "Cricket!" and "Brinley!" (actual names, by the way) they were referring to actual players on the field.    What about "Karen"? "Elizabeth"? "Christine"? "Maria"? 

My 9 (? I think) year old niece was showing me the characters she'd made on some 3DS game, all named after people in her class, and every one was like "What the hell kid, that's not a real name!" I can't even remember what they were.
I can only imagine how many kids have actually been named Soda or Seven at this point. They're not looking like such silly names now.

[Chino]

Looking back at my OP, I should have worded things differently. I didn't mean to suggest that taking care of a kid all day wasn't hard or wasn't a lot of work. I guess what I was looking for was... If given the choice, would you rather be a stay at home parent or someone that has to go to work every day? For me I'd be a stay at home parent every time.

[mikeyd23]

Looking back at my OP, I should have worded things differently. I didn't mean to suggest that taking care of a kid all day wasn't hard or wasn't a lot of work. I guess what I was looking for was... If given the choice, would you rather be a stay at home parent or someone that has to go to work every day? For me I'd be a stay at home parent every time.

With all due respect what are you basing that off of? You've done one (office job) but you've never done the other (stay at home parent). So how do you know you'd prefer it? Doesn't that seem reactionary to you simply not liking your job?

Personally, I've seen what it is like to be a stay at home parent, I'm thankful my wife is happy to fill that role because I prefer the balance of work and home life (those two things being separate, not one and the same).

[Chino]

Looking back at my OP, I should have worded things differently. I didn't mean to suggest that taking care of a kid all day wasn't hard or wasn't a lot of work. I guess what I was looking for was... If given the choice, would you rather be a stay at home parent or someone that has to go to work every day? For me I'd be a stay at home parent every time.

With all due respect what are you basing that off of? You've done one (office job) but you've never done the other (stay at home parent). So how do you know you'd prefer it? Doesn't that seem reactionary to you simply not liking your job?

Personally, I've seen what it is like to be a stay at home parent, I'm thankful my wife is happy to fill that role because I prefer the balance of work and home life (those two things being separate, not one and the same).

Basing it off of every job I've had over the last 11.5 years. Two of which were office positions in very hectic corporate positions. I suppose it's mostly reactionary.

[mikeyd23]

Looking back at my OP, I should have worded things differently. I didn't mean to suggest that taking care of a kid all day wasn't hard or wasn't a lot of work. I guess what I was looking for was... If given the choice, would you rather be a stay at home parent or someone that has to go to work every day? For me I'd be a stay at home parent every time.

With all due respect what are you basing that off of? You've done one (office job) but you've never done the other (stay at home parent). So how do you know you'd prefer it? Doesn't that seem reactionary to you simply not liking your job?

Personally, I've seen what it is like to be a stay at home parent, I'm thankful my wife is happy to fill that role because I prefer the balance of work and home life (those two things being separate, not one and the same).

Basing it off of every job I've had over the last 11.5 years. Two of which were office positions in very hectic corporate positions. I suppose it's mostly reactionary.

  It's all good, I was just wondering. If you're ever in the Pittsburgh area, you can watch my kid and see how you like it. 

[TioJorge]

I think it also depends very heavily on personal circumstances. Looking after one very well behaved child is a whole different ballgame compared to looking after three boys who think throwing their literal shit at each other, grinding earthworms into a smoothie and putting the selfie stick up a dog's ass is a good time (these are actually real references to children I babysat for a few months and who I can only pity due to their parents being mindless cunts, you can tell because there's mention of a selfie stick). You also get out of it what you put in. By that I mean I've seen stay at home moms who have their children so drugged up on prescription meds (which are as prevalent as mosquitoes where I live) that all they do is drool while staring into the abyss with their eyes towards the television while the mother sits and either drinks and drugs all day or watches the fucking Kardashians and still has the gall to complain.

Everyone has their own specific situation. End of the day, there are probably very few situations where being a stay at home mom/dad is "easy". But again, I defer to Dadler. It's more than likely still very difficult but I can't imagine that taking care of your children is less rewarding than slobbing on the knob of your asshole boss who still can't remember your name, etc. to infinity. Most of the time, anyway. Sometimes kids also make you want to go quietly drown yourself as you squeeze one of those stress balls into a mangled, unidentifiable shape.

I've raised my sisters enough to be called a stay at home pseudo-parent but I've also (and still do) watch my friends boys (who I loved to death) a whole hell of a lot because she's a single mom and...I'll take watching the worst behaved girls over moderately behaved boys. Holy fucking hell. My sisters would have their moments and sometimes they're just as bad but for the most part...boys are the spawn of satan even when they're super well behaved. They just are. They're awesome but they're little shits and I hope they get gum stuck in their hair and I love them but I also hope you lose your stupid annoying screaming fire truck and you're the best but I also hope that you step on that stupid god damn lego like I just did.

It's tough. For as much as my job sometimes makes me want to do things that I'd go to prison for years for doing, it at times seems like a quiet reprieve from the war at home if circumstances and attitudes are bad enough. Other times, it feels like it's one of the best gigs on the planet. Again, like anything else in life, it's completely dependent on the situation, your own outlook/attitude and the general buttfuckery of the day or lack thereof.

[Chino]

Maybe I just hate my line of work more than most. This job fucks with my sleep, it's stressful, and it causes anxiety like you wouldn't believe (first world problem, but whatever). I have dreams of being at work on a regular basis only to be woken up by an alarm to go to work. My back is shot, and when all is said an done, I'm dedicating 12+ hours a day to a 8 hour shift. Sunday afternoons are completely ruined by the depressing fact that I need to be in the office the next day. I was relieved to get a severe leg infection with a 102 fever last week because it was an excuse to not have to go into the office. There are mornings where I contemplate driving into oncoming traffic because a few days in the hospital sounds less miserable than going to work.

There was a laundry list of daily tasks posted earlier in the thread (most of which are certainly not daily activities or can be done in 8 seconds on a mobile device). I have to do the majority of those too and I can't see how being home with a kid wouldn't make the majority of them easier. Paying bills, doing laundry, doing dishes, shopping (amazon?), vaccuuming, sweeping, cleaning counters, cooking meals etc... are all stuff that I have to get done after the 12 hours I've dedicated to work. By the time I'm done doing my job and doing necessary house stuff, my day is already over. While I understand a kid is a handful, I'm not convinced that you couldn't bang out the majority of those things by 3:00 in the afternoon if you were home all day.

Again, I'm not claiming staying home with a kid is easy, I just can't imagine more people would rather go to a place of employment over being home taking care of a kid all day.

[TioJorge]

fucks with my sleep, it's stressful, and it causes anxiety like you wouldn't believe.

This line is literally child rearing 101.

You should probably just stop. 

I mean...everything you mentioned can be combated if that's the way you're going with it, which it seems like it is...

Alarm? How about having your balls mashed into a stew as an alarm? That's usually how the boys wake me up and/or by farting on my face, screaming as if they're dying, etc. Sundays? WHAT THE FUCK IS A DAY OFF? WAIT, WHAT? YOUR LEG IS BROKEN? FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE, MAKE ME MY OATMEAL AND BOBBY TOOK MY POWER RANGER TOOOOYYYY *proceeds to run around screaming and pounding your broken leg*

Your talking out your ass, Brian. I love ya and you're awesome but your butthole is literally speaking words right now.

You just don't know children. People say they're pure.






PURE EVIL.

Just kidding. But no I'm fucking not and every parent knows that I'm preaching so hardcore right now.

But also pure joy.


Also pure evil.

[Chino]

fucks with my sleep, it's stressful, and it causes anxiety like you wouldn't believe.

Alarm? How about having your balls mashed into a stew as an alarm? That's usually how the boys wake me up and/or by farting on my face, screaming as if they're dying, etc. Sundays? WHAT THE FUCK IS A DAY OFF? WAIT, WHAT? YOUR LEG IS BROKEN? FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE, MAKE ME MY OATMEAL AND BOBBY TOOK MY POWER RANGER TOOOOYYYY *proceeds to run around screaming and pounding your broken leg*

You're probably thinking this is bullshit, but I'd happily trade my cubicle for that... no question.

[bout to crash]

Chino, I still think your perspective is skewed because you've never done the parent thing before. The grass is always greener, so to speak. It may SEEM easier from a distance but I doubt it's what you think it is.

Personally, I've seen what it is like to be a stay at home parent, I'm thankful my wife is happy to fill that role because I prefer the balance of work and home life (those two things being separate, not one and the same).

This for me hits the nail on the head. This is one of the reasons why I don't want to be a parent, period. I want to be able to leave my work at the end of the day and not have even MORE responsibilities than I already do. I honestly don't think I could do my job and be a parent at the same time. I lose my shit when I walk in the door after a long day and my cat won't stop meowing. MAYBE if I was a stay at home parent I would be able to handle it, but not really interested in doing that.

I haven't read through all the replies yet, but my initial reaction is to say that if we're comparing being a stay-at-home parent with other work, then surely it depends on what other kind of work we're talking about. If someone says that being a stay-at-home mother is the hardest job there is, I have to wonder what other jobs she's done to reach that conclusion.

There's a world of difference - in the sense of stress levels and responsibility - between, say, being a shop assistant in a boutique in Knightsbridge and being a junior doctor working night shifts in an inner city hospital. With respect, most of the things Jen listed on her "what I do during the day" list could have been summed up in a single word: housework. Imagine if a surgeon or a pilot or an air traffic controller or a solider in Iraq were to divide his day up in the same way, their lists would be novel-length, and every item on those lists would eclipse every item on Jen's list in terms of stress levels.

Agreed. And with all due respect Jen, not all of what you listed is even related to parenting. Some things are more direct, some are sort of related, and others not at all (like cats). But yeah, if we all listed every single thing we do for work on a daily basis most jobs would have an equally long list.

Let's see. My day as a hospice social worker:

-get up
-go through email/shit that happened overnight at work and see if there are any fires I need to put out that are going to turn my schedule upside-down for the day
-make phone calls, work on schedule, maybe do paperwork from yesterday
-eat/get dressed/etc.
-drive to my first visit- sit and talk with patient/family, help patient/family with any social work needs they might have or help them process feelings around being sick/dying
-repeat this several times with around 2-6 patients a day (driving anywhere from 20 to 100+miles)
-regularly deal with various crises/unexpected things, like having to place somebody in a facility or attending a death, which can take hours and a lot of energy
-sometimes go to the office and fax or do other office type stuff
-go home and document all the visits I made that day... if I have time (but this often gets delayed for days because I ain't working that late)
-rearrange my schedule and make phone calls to plan tomorrow/rest of the week, even though by tomorrow morning I may have to totally change it again
-try to find a way to relax and de-stress after carrying the weight of illness and death around all day

This is all a choice and I love it, but obviously it's extremely exhausting and when I'm done with work I still have things like housework that a parent with kids in school has the day to work on. Often my housework simply doesn't get done because I need to relax and have fun and not be an adult after all that. So my laundry is all over the house, my litter boxes are full, my kitchen is a mess, and there are clumps of cat hair blowing across the floor like tumbleweeds.

Still, I think being a parent is harder and I don't want to do it, but just a different perspective I guess.

I don't think being a stay at home parent is the hardest job "in the world" but it's way more responsibility than I personally want. I can mostly shut off Work Jackie after 5. Parents are always parents, every minute of every fucking day for the rest of their lives. Terrifying.

[TioJorge]

fucks with my sleep, it's stressful, and it causes anxiety like you wouldn't believe.

Alarm? How about having your balls mashed into a stew as an alarm? That's usually how the boys wake me up and/or by farting on my face, screaming as if they're dying, etc. Sundays? WHAT THE FUCK IS A DAY OFF? WAIT, WHAT? YOUR LEG IS BROKEN? FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE, MAKE ME MY OATMEAL AND BOBBY TOOK MY POWER RANGER TOOOOYYYY *proceeds to run around screaming and pounding your broken leg*

You're probably thinking this is bullshit, but I'd happily trade my cubicle for that... no question.

Eh. Try it for a good while one year and then come back to the thread, that's all.

I mean every complaint you mentioned is a complaint a parent has except there's no "time off" because a kid doesn't give a fuck about your issues or downtime because they don't get it and need you. There's no "calling into work". Imagine, if you will, being in that same situation you mentioned of hating your work except when you come home you can't rest because there's a child there waiting to ruin your rest and/or to physically assault you until your broken leg pain becomes an escape.

Heaping loads of single parents have the same work issues as you do except there's no time off or rest because then there's more work to be done at home.

[Chino]

Chino, I still think your perspective is skewed because you've never done the parent thing before. The grass is always greener, so to speak. It may SEEM easier from a distance but I doubt it's what you think it is.

I'm not saying it's easier, I'm saying that despite the shitty aspects of being home with a kid, I can't imagine choosing going to a place of employment over it.

[Sir GuitarCozmo]

PURE EVIL.

Just kidding. But no I'm fucking not and every parent knows that I'm preaching so hardcore right now.

But also pure joy.


Also pure evil.

https://www.theonion.com/article/new-study-reveals-most-children-unrepentant-sociop-2870

[TioJorge]

When did The Onion start posting totally real articles? 

[kirksnosehair]

This is one of those things I think you really have to live through for a while to appreciate how much effort really goes into it.   I've been assisting here and there with my nieces (4 and 6) and nephews (15 and 17) and just from my own observation from the position of Uncle, raising kids ain't no cakewalk. 


A few years ago I moved my mother into an in-law apartment I made for her on the ground level of my house.  She's elderly.  Now, even though she's fully, 100% self-sufficient in terms of bathing herself, going to the grocery store to buy her own food, etc., at 73 she's got a few chronic ailments that require a caregiver (me) to help her out.  I bring this up because it's remarkably similar to what it's like taking care of young children. 


As an outsider looking in and someone who's never had the responsibility I'm sure it's easy to just say "pffft, I can do that with both hands tight behind my back while reciting the Star Spangled Banner backwards in pig latin"  or something...you know what I mean 


It's not as easy as you might think.  I work my balls off in my career (70 hours a week most weeks) and I'd still never trade that for being a stay-at-home parent.  Not a chance.  This is WAY simpler and I know what to expect here.   

[Phoenix87x]

stay at home parent is the hardest job ever

Absolutely

[JustJen]

Haha, side bar here, but since we're on parenting, it may be appropriate:

What the f--- with names these days?   I was at a lacrosse game for my daughter, and it took me almost the entire first half to realize that when they were yelling "Teigan!" and "Cricket!" and "Brinley!" (actual names, by the way) they were referring to actual players on the field.    What about "Karen"? "Elizabeth"? "Christine"? "Maria"? 

(There's a great chapter in the first "Freakonomics" about this, and the class relationship of names).

I know, right? My daughter told me a kid in her class was named Tyree and I thought it was going to be a girl, possibly of an ethnic background of some sort (unusual in our neck of the woods) but nope - little redneck boy.

[JustJen]

Chino, I still think your perspective is skewed because you've never done the parent thing before. The grass is always greener, so to speak. It may SEEM easier from a distance but I doubt it's what you think it is.

I'm not saying it's easier, I'm saying that despite the shitty aspects of being home with a kid, I can't imagine choosing going to a place of employment over it.

I dunno, each time one of my kids reached four years old I had an irrepressible urge to go back to college for another degree. Four year olds will make you crazy. I actually went for a Philosophy of Religion degree in order to have less work and stress than being at home with three kids. I"m lucky we've been able to trade off for one another over the years (my husband and I). I have very little patience as it is, so I really struggled to stay calm a lot of the time. But I love my kids like crazy and would do it all over again.