Is being a stay at home mom really that much work?

[Chino]

I'd love to be a dad, but my girlfriend and I almost killed our dog twice in its first year (once my fault, once hers).

But you didn't.  The one thing you learn - after many sleepless nights (I actually slept only about an hour or so the first 72 hours of my daughter's life) - is that they are resilient motherfuckers. 

Haha. Luckily for us we have a 24 hour VCA within 13 minutes of us (assuming I don't obey any laws of the road). He might have lucked out after eating the bottle of Afrin, but the pound of chocolate the night before valentine's day would have killed him for sure if we didn't get him to the hospital. Killing our dog would be beyond devastating, having a kid die due to similar negligence would make it hard to live a normal life from then on.

[ariich]

On top of all the good points made in this thread, I also think the title of "stay at home mom" is a few decades out of date. Glad to see most people referring to stay at home parents instead.

Get with the times, Chino.

Stay at home parents?  Who's going to work to support?  Getting with the times would mean both parents not at home.  Unless you mean both parents working from home and not everyone can do that.

To answer the thread title.  Yes, being a stay at home mom really is that much work.

Wut? Obviously one will need to work and earn money, I meant that a stay at home parent can be either gender. "Stay at home mom" calls back to a time when all marriages were heterosexual ones where the man worked and the woman looked after the house.

[King Postwhore]

If my girl took home more money than I would and we wanted to have one stay home that's an obvious choice.  Unfortunately in this day and age there a very few families that can afford that.

[lonestar]

Well played Tim

[Hyperplex]

If my girl took home more money than I would and we wanted to have one stay home that's an obvious choice.  Unfortunately in this day and age there a very few families that can afford that.

See in our situation, I earn more, but her benefits are far better than mine would be...and I mean they are WILD health benefits, some of the best in the area.

[King Postwhore]

If my girl took home more money than I would and we wanted to have one stay home that's an obvious choice.  Unfortunately in this day and age there a very few families that can afford that.

See in our situation, I earn more, but her benefits are far better than mine would be...and I mean they are WILD health benefits, some of the best in the area.

we switched over to my health care this year.  Better benefits and less money to pay.  we had you use her Dental and eye care so she would not lose full time status.  If you can believe, they would cut her hours down if she doesn't have benefits. Crazy really.

[lonestar]

Oops...

[j]

These days, I would rather hang out with my 3 year old son than do anything else, but there was a period where I was home for about a month and a half straight, and I'm just not cut out for parenting 24/7 (or ever, some might argue).  I almost couldn't wait to go back to work because I knew it made me a better parent and less inclined to take my time with him for granted.  Sad, but like somebody else said in this thread, maybe it's just a character flaw of mine.  Then again, my wife is a teacher turned stay at home mom, and she loves it overall, but there are days when it even gets to her.

Come to think of it, there isn't anyone in the world--including a best friend, my wife or any girl I ever dated before her--who I could tolerate being around every minute of every day.  And there is no job or recreational activity that I would want to do for every waking minute either.  I know people who disagree, and work 19 hours a day and seem relatively happy, in spite of the fact that their hobbies and home lives have to be nonexistent.

I think most people need some balance in their lives.  You get that when you work 8 hours and then come home to something else.  You don't necessarily when you are a stay at home parent.  I don't think there's much point in arguing about something inane like "how much work" various jobs entail.

I will admit that I'll occasionally crack a joke implying that my wife fabricates a lot of these "things" she says she's having to do during the day that keep her so constantly busy, and she doesn't think it's very funny.

-J

[MoraWintersoul]

What floored me was his assumption that because they can understand language they will automatically obey instructions. 

They use it to out-logic you into early dementia.

I remember when my oldest asked me if he could be allowed to say "ass" as long as he used it to mean "donkey". I was skeptical but said we could try it for five minutes.

He instantly launched into five straight minutes of what I have to assume was pre-rehearsed material, despite him being about ten years old:

"My ass is hairy"
"My ass stinks, it needs a bath"
"Wanna pet my ass?"

and my personal favorite -

"Old Mac Donald had an ass, ass ass ass ass ass."

In a weird twist of fate, for the past week I've been a stay at home mom... for my own mom! She's just been released from the hospital and she's kinda weak and requires constant attention. While what I'm doing now isn't nowhere near the level of her raising three kids on her own, there's definitely a lot of psychological pressure when you know someone needs you to provide for their needs 24/7. Add in a culture where a huge home cooked meal is a necessity every day and house cleanliness is valued over everything else to the mix and damn, I'm a little over my head right now but I guess everything's fine as long as she's alive and well.

[ReaperKK]

Chino, you just need a different job, dude.

I have to echo this statement. Chino I've heard you talk about your job and it's effect on you, I'm sure you've been looking at doing something else right?

As for the stay at home parent thing I feel that is something I'm simply not equipped for. My gf and I don't want any kids so it's hard for me to imagine what it would be like if I, or if she stayed home. It is tough work though, my mom raised my brother and I as a single parent after I turned 13 (my brother was 5) so she worked a full time job (and sometimes a part time job as well) and I can imagine it was a nightmare.

[hefdaddy42]

Hopefully the weed lettuce thing will work out for Chino.

[King Postwhore]

I think Brian needs to look at life differently.   No matter what job you turn to its always exciting at first but then they end up all the same.  You have to push through that to support your loved ones and be able to, outside of work do the things you live that is not work.

[millahh]

I've only skipped around this thread, but I am going to stay that the "stay at home mom" martyr complex makes me want to choke people.  Maybe it's because my own parents were so shitty (seemed to think that good parenting only required keeping their kid fed and clean), and yet my mom just thinks she put me ahead of everything else (fucking narcissist)...I've been left with an incredible mental/emotional mess that I still struggle to clean up even as I'm about to turn 40.  And yet she had the nerve to essentially call be lazy when i would visit home during grad school and sleep in, as I was recovering form however many 70-80 hour weeks in a row.  I work 70-hour weeks now, with hundreds of millions of dollars on the line for certain decisions....I am quite certain I put in both more effort and emotional energy into about three days of work than either of my parents put into a month.

Basically, parents made the decision to have unprotected sex and carry the results to term.  Own that fucking decision, and do right by the kid without making yourself a martyr.  You fucking chose it.  Your kids didn't choose to be born, so they shouldn't have to listen to anyone's bullshit about how hard it is to be a parent. 

Hmmm...this touched a nerve...

[Hyperplex]

I don't think this thread started out as a woe is me thread. I know I loved staying home with my kids. I can only speak for myself but I was only comparing workload, not better or worse.

[millahh]

I don't think this thread started out as a woe is me thread. I know I loved staying home with my kids. I can only speak for myself but I was only comparing workload, not better or worse.

To be clear, I wasn't making the "martyr" assessment of anyone in this thread, more of the societal martyr complex that some mothers get (I'm saying "mothers" because I've never seen a guy post FB memes about how hard and thankless being a stay-at-home parent is).  And yeah, it's hard if it's done right, but it ain't always done right.

[Chino]

Chino, you just need a different job, dude.

I have to echo this statement. Chino I've heard you talk about your job and it's effect on you, I'm sure you've been looking at doing something else right?

I have, but I'm not getting very far. The thing is, I make excellent money and have amazing benefits right now. Like way more than I should. To maintain this salary and benefits (or even close to them), any new job I get is going to be doing more or less the exact same thing in a frighteningly similar scenario.

There are many other things I'd enjoy doing more that wouldn't make me hate waking up every day, but I'd have to take a good 30-50% pay cut depending on what that is.

I think Brian needs to look at life differently.   No matter what job you turn to its always exciting at first but then they end up all the same.  You have to push through that to support your loved ones and be able to, outside of work do the things you live that is not work.

This I understand fully, and I'm willing to do stuff I don't want to do because that's life and all. But there is a tipping point. I'm only 27 and my body feels like I'm 50 most days. I know nobody likes their jobs, but I really struggle mentally in an office environment. Depressed would be a nice way to put it most days. Financially supporting loved ones is important, no doubt, but so is being there for them by not having a heart attack or stroke by the age of 40 (which is where I feel like I'm heading). My health has gone to shit since I got into a office. Part of that is my doing because of my diet, but sitting for 12+ hours a day isn't helping matters either.

[ReaperKK]

Chino, you just need a different job, dude.

I have to echo this statement. Chino I've heard you talk about your job and it's effect on you, I'm sure you've been looking at doing something else right?

I have, but I'm not getting very far. The thing is, I make excellent money and have amazing benefits right now. Like way more than I should. To maintain this salary and benefits (or even close to them), any new job I get is going to be doing more or less the exact same thing in a frighteningly similar scenario.

There are many other things I'd enjoy doing more that wouldn't make me hate waking up every day, but I'd have to take a good 30-50% pay cut depending on what that is.

If your current job is making you that miserable then maybe a pay cut to possibly do something fulfilling is worth it.

Out of curiosity, what do you do now?

[Chino]

Chino, you just need a different job, dude.

I have to echo this statement. Chino I've heard you talk about your job and it's effect on you, I'm sure you've been looking at doing something else right?

I have, but I'm not getting very far. The thing is, I make excellent money and have amazing benefits right now. Like way more than I should. To maintain this salary and benefits (or even close to them), any new job I get is going to be doing more or less the exact same thing in a frighteningly similar scenario.

There are many other things I'd enjoy doing more that wouldn't make me hate waking up every day, but I'd have to take a good 30-50% pay cut depending on what that is.

If your current job is making you that miserable then maybe a pay cut to possibly do something fulfilling is worth it.

Out of curiosity, what do you do now?

Business/Systems analyst for one of the largest insurance providers worldwide.

[Tick]

This stay at home mom thing depends on the kind of mom we are talking about. Plenty of them truly work very hard at it, while others like some who live in Fairfield county Connecticut have lots of help as they go to the gym, take tennis lessons, and have martini's at book club.
While others still eat cookies, watch Jerry Springer and get fat while the house goes to shit.
Done right however its a lot of hard work, as is a stressful full time job.
Do I believe its the hardest job there is? Maybe it is on some level, but its surely a tiring stressful one that can wear one out on a daily basis.
So is the pressure of competing in a highly competitive work force.
In conclusion....
My wife and I both work full time, so our days off rarely provide any enjoyment cause their is always too much shit to do to keep up with what needs to be done at the house. We try on Sunday to have some time to relax and enjoy life a bit.
So if one works, and the other is home this is a great formula if the provider can make enough money to make it work.

[Chino]

This stay at home mom thing depends on the kind of mom we are talking about. Plenty of them truly work very hard at it, while others like some who live in Fairfield county Connecticut have lots of help as they go to the gym, take tennis lessons, and have martini's at book club.
While others still eat cookies, watch Jerry Springer and get fat while the house goes to shit.
Done right however its a lot of hard work, as is a stressful full time job.
Do I believe its the hardest job there is? Maybe it is on some level, but its surely a tiring stressful one that can wear one out on a daily basis.
So is the pressure of competing in a highly competitive work force.
In conclusion....
My wife and I both work full time, so our days off rarely provide any enjoyment cause their is always too much shit to do to keep up with what needs to be done at the house. We try on Sunday to have some time to relax and enjoy life a bit.
So if one works, and the other is home this is a great formula if the provider can make enough money to make it work.

Finances aside, if you were given the option to go to work or stay home and take care of your kids (new born / toddler versions) while your wife went to work, which would you pick?

[Tick]

This stay at home mom thing depends on the kind of mom we are talking about. Plenty of them truly work very hard at it, while others like some who live in Fairfield county Connecticut have lots of help as they go to the gym, take tennis lessons, and have martini's at book club.
While others still eat cookies, watch Jerry Springer and get fat while the house goes to shit.
Done right however its a lot of hard work, as is a stressful full time job.
Do I believe its the hardest job there is? Maybe it is on some level, but its surely a tiring stressful one that can wear one out on a daily basis.
So is the pressure of competing in a highly competitive work force.
In conclusion....
My wife and I both work full time, so our days off rarely provide any enjoyment cause their is always too much shit to do to keep up with what needs to be done at the house. We try on Sunday to have some time to relax and enjoy life a bit.
So if one works, and the other is home this is a great formula if the provider can make enough money to make it work.

Finances aside, if you were given the option to go to work or stay home and take care of your kids (new born / toddler versions) while your wife went to work, which would you pick?

Honestly, through the course of raising my 15 year old daughter I've had it both ways. My wife was home for 4 years when my daughter was young. I was out of work for a year and a half a few years back. All I can say is while it was a love hate thing being home, I prefer going to work. Its better for my psyche overall. I don't like doing the stay at home stuff. It depressed me. My wife kicked ass when she did it.
So, I would rather go to work. Its more how I'm wired.

[Sir GuitarCozmo]

Finances aside, if you were given the option to go to work or stay home and take care of your kids (new born / toddler versions) while your wife went to work, which would you pick?

Vasectomy

[Skeever]

I'm missing something here. Isn't the opposite of being a stay at home parent going to work eight or nine hours a day to pay the bills and then coming home to do all of the stuff on Jen's list? I won't question the tremendous amount of work that goes into being a parent (serves you right, frankly) but it seems to me that the people who can do it full-time are the lucky ones. My mom worked, pursued her doctorate and took care of two kids by herself. Sorry if I'm not hugely sympathetic to the people who don't have the job and school stuff to worry about.

This exactly.

People who can afford to be stay at home parents enjoy an incredible privilege out of reach for the vast majority of families. I'm sure it comes with some toil, but nowhere near as much as people who have to do all the "stay at home" things noted above and then still work too.

On an somewhat related note, I work with quite a few people at work whose wives are "stay at home parents" despite children being away at school all day. It rattles my brain, because I'm quite close with one of them and every time I go to their house it's a complete mess. Gotta wonder...

BTW, I'm not saying that I don't think not having to work isn't a great thing. But please let's treat it like what it is - a financial privilege.

[JustJen]

It's a financial priviege in a way, to some people. To others who are stuck in between a rock and a hard place, not so much.

My entire adult life I"ve been stuck in a situation where I can either be a stay at home parent and my husband makes little enough that we qualify for free health insurance, or I can work and make just enough that we no longer qualify and have to somehow come up with the cash to pay a $1200 a month premium. That's $300 a week. We live an hour round trip from the nearest town where I could conceivably be employed. After subtracting gas money to get there and back I'd be spending 45 hours a week away from home between working and driving, and make almost $0 take home pay because it would all go to gas and health insurance.

This is pointless. Better to stay home and spend the time couponing so that I'm saving money, since it is the only way to come out ahead.

And I am nowhere near the only person who has this problem. And I have two college degrees and still can't make ends meet if I get a job.