Is being a stay at home mom really that much work?

[Chino]

I'm sorry if this pinches a nerve with some, but I had to sit in on a conversation last night about the difficulties of being a stay at home mom. "It's so much work", "the kid needs constant attention", "I don't get a minute to myself", and "There's so much poop" were some of the things being said.

If given the choice between having to spend the entire day at home with a baby, or commuting 2+ hours a day and sitting in a cubicle staring at screens for an additional 8, I can't think of a single reason why I wouldn't take staying home. Is being a stay at home mom really that hard? "So much work"? So is 5 hours straight of conflicting meetings. "Kids require constant attention"? So does work. "I don't get a minute to myself". My day is nothing but meetings, instant messaging, and emails. Doesn't the baby sleep half the time?

I've never been a stay at home parent, and I've only held a baby once for about 8 seconds, so maybe I'm missing something here. But staying home and taking care of a kid seems to be infinitely better in every possible way when compared to a traditional job.

[Hyperplex]

Given that you can leave the office and come home, that alone is a huge difference. A stay-at-home parent does not work a job, or hours. They live it. If you aren't attending to the child, you're cleaning or fixing food. Depending on the age of the child, you have to watch them much of the time to make sure they don't get into anything they shouldn't. Very little privacy at all. For some, it's only on special days when they can take a shit by themselves. It doesn't end til they sleep, and that's when you either pass out or get your own work done. There's no vacation. You can't call out sick. You are the child's world. And it shoudn't be any other way. If the child is a newborn or infant, they'll be asleep for a few hours at a time and then be nursing or eating, pissing, and pooping. You have to change the diapers.

To compare a stay-at-home parent to a full-time job is a bit of a flawed comparison, because the similarities end with "being busy all day."

[JustJen]

oh lord.

[cramx3]

Not a parent myself, but I think it also depends on how many children.  My mom stayed home and there was four kids.... she definitely had more than a full time job with us.

[JustJen]

So, my daily chore list:

up by 5:45am
wake child by 6
child on bus at 6:35am
make coffee
feed cats
laundry
dishes
cans&bottles
recyclables
sweeping
vacuuming
cooler
ice cube trays
litter boxes
cats room
shower
dressed
start something for dinner later
pay bills/check credit scores/reconcile bank statement
run errands
do shopping
attend parent teacher conferences
schedule doctor and dentist visits
take children to appointments, drum lessons, friends houses
all of this must be done in time for me to be here at 3 to get daughter off the bus

Now those are the daily things I make sure to do. That's when I have NOTHING PLANNED FOR THE DAY. Some days there IS something planned - like someone is coming over later, or there is a birthday in the family, or I have a road trip, or an appointment of my own to fit in somehow, or I would like to do something for ME like read a book, plant some vegetable seeds, paint the deck - do ANY extra chores like fixing something that broke, painting a room, cleaning my daughter's room once in awhile... then there's the fact that during all of this *I* have an empty house devoid of other kids messing up EVERY SINGLE THING I DO AS SOON AS ITS DONE.... but if I had a younger child then factor THAT in, along with food, clothing, diapers, bathing, crying, teaching, play group...

now these are all just regular every day type things, again - none of this factors in "what if I'm a single mom? what if my spouse is out of town? what if I have to go to regular doctor appointments for something? what if I have a hobby? want to go to the gym a few times a week?"....

and the only intelligent conversation you have of course is with yourself because you don't get to SEE any other adults when you're a SAHM...

now that the basics are out of the way I can formulate a post with some of the things that aren't a given....


edit: how could I have forgotten dusting, wiping down every shower, tub, and sink, and homework-helper duty? Shame on me.

[The Trooper]

stay at home parent is the hardest job ever

[T-ski]

I've been a stay at home Dad for the last 7 years.

I work part time evenings and weekends when my wife is home to take care of the kid. 

It feels like a vacation to go to work.

[King Postwhore]

......And the most beneficial.


In this day and age of 2 parents having to work, kids to not have the guidance of past generations.  I think it shows in today's society.

[JustJen]

I Agree with all the posts between my last one and this one.

[hefdaddy42]

lol Chino WTF

[Hyperplex]

But not mine.

We are very lucky that my sister watches our kids. We keep the care within the family and we spend as much time as possible with everyone.

And yes, this is a bit of a WTF thread.

[bosk1]

I couldn't agree more with the posts in response to the OP.  Huge props for any stay-at-home parents for all you do.  You have my full respect.

[ZKX-2099]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QoJrMaFlxOk

[JustJen]

But not mine.

We are very lucky that my sister watches our kids. We keep the care within the family and we spend as much time as possible with everyone.

And yes, this is a bit of a WTF thread.

shit I didn't see yours before I started writing my long reply I'm sorry, you actually said it better than I did. The total lack of privacy is huge. All of what you wrote reminds me of when mine were young. So much truth there.

[Hyperplex]

I was just messing with you, it's all good.

When I was out of work, I was the stay-at-home dad. It was exhausting, but ridiculously rewarding. I honestly loved being home with my kids, but I also have to admit the lack of a daily "job" really killed me emotionally and mentally. I needed that other purpose. That is more of a statement of my character than anything else, but there is no job in the world like being a stay-at-home parent. Like I said, it was simultaneously immensely rewarding and utterly exhausting.

[mikeyd23]

Chino, you're clearly a good dude based on the posts I've seen from you here... So I'll phrase nicely, until you are a parent you can't begin to image how hard it truly is. My wife is a stay-at-home mom and I work a typical office job and on a daily basis she is more stressed than I am, busier than I am, has more to do than I do, and is wiped out by the time the evening roles around (and we only have one child).

It's definitely a tough gig.

[JustJen]

So, my daily chore list:

up by 5:45am
wake child by 6
child on bus at 6:35am
make coffee
feed cats
laundry
dishes
cans&bottles
recyclables
sweeping
vacuuming
cooler
ice cube trays
litter boxes
cats room
shower
dressed
start something for dinner later
pay bills/check credit scores/reconcile bank statement
run errands
do shopping
attend parent teacher conferences
schedule doctor and dentist visits
take children to appointments, drum lessons, friends houses
all of this must be done in time for me to be here at 3 to get daughter off the bus

Now those are the daily things I make sure to do. That's when I have NOTHING PLANNED FOR THE DAY. Some days there IS something planned - like someone is coming over later, or there is a birthday in the family, or I have a road trip, or an appointment of my own to fit in somehow, or I would like to do something for ME like read a book, plant some vegetable seeds, paint the deck - do ANY extra chores like fixing something that broke, painting a room, cleaning my daughter's room once in awhile... then there's the fact that during all of this *I* have an empty house devoid of other kids messing up EVERY SINGLE THING I DO AS SOON AS ITS DONE.... but if I had a younger child then factor THAT in, along with food, clothing, diapers, bathing, crying, teaching, play group...

now these are all just regular every day type things, again - none of this factors in "what if I'm a single mom? what if my spouse is out of town? what if I have to go to regular doctor appointments for something? what if I have a hobby? want to go to the gym a few times a week?"....

and the only intelligent conversation you have of course is with yourself because you don't get to SEE any other adults when you're a SAHM...

now that the basics are out of the way I can formulate a post with some of the things that aren't a given....


edit: how could I have forgotten dusting, wiping down every shower, tub, and sink, and homework-helper duty? Shame on me.

So at the end of all this we are 'supposed to' have dinner ready for our partner/family, with hair and makeup done, in clean nice looking (or even sexy) clothing and present it all with a smile and pleasant attitude before cleaning up and putting out before bed?


Seriously. This is really hard to do.

/end

[bout to crash]

Yeah, trying to compare a 24-7-365-rest of your life job that includes lots of ass wiping and screaming with a day job that includes sitting in a cubicle and meetings and emails is a bit flawed
I have been seeing a woman who does this and also home schools her kids, so she's always hella busy and on days when they're being bratty she has no escape/it's really hard on her (and yes, in this situation home schooling was the best option-long story but she's not some crazy religious freak... obviously )
I think it's way harder than my job, and I'm a fucking hospice worker. This is why I don't have kids

[El Barto]

I'm missing something here. Isn't the opposite of being a stay at home parent going to work eight or nine hours a day to pay the bills and then coming home to do all of the stuff on Jen's list? I won't question the tremendous amount of work that goes into being a parent (serves you right, frankly) but it seems to me that the people who can do it full-time are the lucky ones. My mom worked, pursued her doctorate and took care of two kids by herself. Sorry if I'm not hugely sympathetic to the people who don't have the job and school stuff to worry about.

[The Trooper]

I was a stay at home father of twin boys that were born at 28 weeks. I did that for 2 years. Hardest job ever.

[JustJen]

I'm missing something here. Isn't the opposite of being a stay at home parent going to work eight or nine hours a day to pay the bills and then coming home to do all of the stuff on Jen's list? I won't question the tremendous amount of work that goes into being a parent (serves you right, frankly) but it seems to me that the people who can do it full-time are the lucky ones. My mom worked, pursued her doctorate and took care of two kids by herself. Sorry if I'm not hugely sympathetic to the people who don't have the job and school stuff to worry about.

I believe chino was referring to stay at home parent in the context of being in a relationship where the partner works.

[ZKX-2099]

I'm missing something here. Isn't the opposite of being a stay at home parent going to work eight or nine hours a day to pay the bills and then coming home to do all of the stuff on Jen's list? I won't question the tremendous amount of work that goes into being a parent (serves you right, frankly) but it seems to me that the people who can do it full-time are the lucky ones. My mom worked, pursued her doctorate and took care of two kids by herself. Sorry if I'm not hugely sympathetic to the people who don't have the job and school stuff to worry about.

Do people win threads here? I think Barto just did.

[Sir GuitarCozmo]

the tremendous amount of work that goes into being a parent (serves you right, frankly)

^that

[Podaar]

I'm actually considering selling my business interests to be a house-husband for Mrs. P. Her career is uber-demanding and now that all the kids are grown up and on their own, there's not enough time in the day to take care of the house, yard, pets, etc., ourselves. We have to hire people to help and the expense (while sustainable) isn't something I'm happy about.

When I make a list (like JustJen's) of what being a house-husband would entail daily I get pretty apprehensive. Throw all the extra work with having little ones around and I honestly need a nap.

Honestly, both ways can be highly stressful and super busy. I'm not convinced that one is worse than the other, but I am convinced that neither one is easier.

[hefdaddy42]

I'm missing something here. Isn't the opposite of being a stay at home parent going to work eight or nine hours a day to pay the bills and then coming home to do all of the stuff on Jen's list? I won't question the tremendous amount of work that goes into being a parent (serves you right, frankly) but it seems to me that the people who can do it full-time are the lucky ones. My mom worked, pursued her doctorate and took care of two kids by herself. Sorry if I'm not hugely sympathetic to the people who don't have the job and school stuff to worry about.

I believe chino was referring to stay at home parent in the context of being in a relationship where the partner works.

Yes, but I think his point is that in most families these days (including mine), BOTH partners work, so all of that stuff has to get done in the household, but only AFTER working somewhere else for 8 (or so) hours.

[JustJen]

I'm missing something here. Isn't the opposite of being a stay at home parent going to work eight or nine hours a day to pay the bills and then coming home to do all of the stuff on Jen's list? I won't question the tremendous amount of work that goes into being a parent (serves you right, frankly) but it seems to me that the people who can do it full-time are the lucky ones. My mom worked, pursued her doctorate and took care of two kids by herself. Sorry if I'm not hugely sympathetic to the people who don't have the job and school stuff to worry about.

I believe chino was referring to stay at home parent in the context of being in a relationship where the partner works.

However my mother raised six of us alone after my dad died, and worked full time. I agree that if this thread were a contest the single parents would win.

[gmillerdrake]

I've never been a stay at home parent, and I've only held a baby once for about 8 seconds, so maybe I'm missing something here. But staying home and taking care of a kid seems to be infinitely better in every possible way when compared to a traditional job.

You're missing something Brian. As a Father of three I can tell you that parenting is the toughest thing I've EVER had to do, especially an infant....and there is no way in heck I'd want to be a 'stay at home' parent. It's endless caring, your isolated from 'adults' for the majority of the day/week....plus, when you're a 'stay at home' the expectations from your spouse would be that the laundry and cleaning (house hold chores) would be completed as well.

Parenting isn't easy by any means. I greatly appreciate the 'break' I get from it by having to go to work. It helps keep me sane.

[bout to crash]

I totally agree that the rest of us have just as much shit to do outside of work, but I still think the type of work involved in parenting is way harder than a day job. And it's something you're now attached to for life. Fuck that.

[JustJen]

I'm missing something here. Isn't the opposite of being a stay at home parent going to work eight or nine hours a day to pay the bills and then coming home to do all of the stuff on Jen's list? I won't question the tremendous amount of work that goes into being a parent (serves you right, frankly) but it seems to me that the people who can do it full-time are the lucky ones. My mom worked, pursued her doctorate and took care of two kids by herself. Sorry if I'm not hugely sympathetic to the people who don't have the job and school stuff to worry about.

I believe chino was referring to stay at home parent in the context of being in a relationship where the partner works.

Yes, but I think his point is that in most families these days (including mine), BOTH partners work, so all of that stuff has to get done in the household, but only AFTER working somewhere else for 8 (or so) hours.

I was merely responding to the OP and then referring el Barto back to it, rather than going off on a side tangent regarding who has it hardest.

[El Barto]

Well then what are we comparing stay at home parenting to? I'm sure it really sucks compared to paying the hot Scandinavian au pair to do the hard work, but compared to the alternatives I've always considered the folks who can have a parent not work to be the fortunate ones.
Just reread Chino's post, and he was comparing it to working a day job. Yeah, I think he's wrong on that. I'm still not sympathetic, most of us are forced to work for a living. Having a kid is a choice. Moreover, I still think staying at home is a luxury.

[mikeyd23]

Being able to have a parent stay at home with a child is absolutely a blessing. That doesn't mean its an easy job by any means.

My wife and I are blessed that she can stay home with our 11 month old daughter everyday, my wife loves that she is able to do that and never complains. It's a privilege, but a challenge as well.

[gmillerdrake]

Being able to have a parent stay at home with a child is absolutely a blessing. That doesn't mean its an easy job by any means.

totally this....

[Hyperplex]

I don't believe the question of the thread was who is more fortunate or who has the tougher lot in life. It seems to me the question was simply the degree of difficulty of the job, comparing a full-time, 40+ hour a week job to being a stay-at-home parent. Both are the results of conscious choices (omitting, for the sake of it being a totally different discussion, pregnancies that were otherwise unplanned).

Looking at it purely from a "job functions" standpoint, a stay-at-home parents receives no tangible compensation, has no time off, no "regular hours," and has the very wellbeing of one or more relatively helpless lifeforms in his or her hands. Not only is the parent responsible for the day-to-day goings on, such as cooking, cleaning, bathing, dressing, (undressing, knitting exciting underwear ), but there is also the fact that nearly every action and word spoken is a direct influence on the budding little person to whom they are tending. The trade-off is the pure, unmitigated love for your children and the unfailing adoration you receive in return. And the reward for simply being an awesome parent.

Is it a luxury that someone would be able to stay home every day to raise his or her children? Absolutely. But if comparing the daily doings of a 9-5er to those of a stay-at-home parent is on the table, I don't believe the comparison is even close.

[El Barto]

I don't believe the question of the thread was who is more fortunate or who has the tougher lot in life. It seems to me the question was simply the degree of difficulty of the job, comparing a full-time, 40+ hour a week job to being a stay-at-home parent. Both are the results of conscious choices (omitting, for the sake of it being a totally different discussion, pregnancies that were otherwise unplanned).

Looking at it purely from a "job functions" standpoint, a stay-at-home parents receives no tangible compensation, has no time off, no "regular hours," and has the very wellbeing of one or more relatively helpless lifeforms in his or her hands. Not only is the parent responsible for the day-to-day goings on, such as cooking, cleaning, bathing, dressing, (undressing, knitting exciting underwear ), but there is also the fact that nearly every action and word spoken is a direct influence on the budding little person to whom they are tending. The trade-off is the pure, unmitigated love for your children and the unfailing adoration you receive in return. And the reward for simply being an awesome parent.

Is it a luxury that someone would be able to stay home every day to raise his or her children? Absolutely. But if comparing the daily doings of a 9-5er to those of a stay-at-home parent is on the table, I don't believe the comparison is even close.

This is a good post and I'm not at all disagreeing with it. I do have to question how much of a choice we have in working, though. I don't consider my 9-5 job optional--it's survival.

[BlobVanDam]

I do have to question how much of a choice we have in working, though. I don't consider my 9-5 job optional--it's survival.

At least you somewhat have a choice of what job though. If you're a parent, you're stuck with the suck.^TM