Author Topic: When It Rains, It Pours...  (Read 5151 times)

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Offline Prog Snob

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Re: When It Rains, It Pours...
« Reply #35 on: August 02, 2015, 09:58:02 AM »
I understand where you guys are coming from. It's just that I'm not in the right mind to think clearly right now. I am sure she is concerned of me leaving since I did leave my wife. I'm sure she has concerns about our future and if I can be relied on.  So I have been nothing but myself to her. I haven't just said I'm not like other guys, I have proven it many times over that no matter what, I won't turn my back on her. What I've done for this girl goes beyond what I ever did for my wife. The problem still lies inside of her. It's still a fear of hers that I'll just pick up and leave.

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Re: When It Rains, It Pours...
« Reply #36 on: August 02, 2015, 10:46:16 AM »
The problem still lies inside of her. It's still a fear of hers that I'll just pick up and leave.

Exactly.
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Re: When It Rains, It Pours...
« Reply #37 on: August 02, 2015, 12:43:42 PM »
Sadler, maybe John can give you the story on why he left his other marriage.   It's not my place but you would have a better understanding.

I understand there is more to the story.   My point is, it doesn't matter if there is more to the story, this is HER point of view, not his.  He could have every rationalization in the world.   Her point of view:  "I'm pregnant, I don't want to be stuck alone with this child."

I'm not saying I'm 100% factually on the mark, I'm saying that it might help to take a strategic view (big picture) not a tactical (individual data pieces) view.  To me, the "blame letter" is almost irrelevant.   You have to look at this through HER lenses - irrational though they may appear to be - to understand it fully.   And if you're the type to say "that's bullshit", well, fair enough, but then don't hope to understand what's going on. 

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Re: When It Rains, It Pours...
« Reply #38 on: August 27, 2015, 05:19:30 AM »
Hey guys...sorry to keep disappearing. I've really lost the desire to do just about anything. No matter how hard I try to get up and do something, I find myself sitting on the couch and doing nothing but watching the same things over and over. I've lost about 30 pounds in the last year because of the drama with my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend. Not that I'm making anymore excuses for myself, but being an empath who can't control his emotions makes things so much more difficult. It's right what they say about being an empath; it can either be a gift or a curse. For me, it seems to be a curse lately. I'm drowning in this inability to hone my empathy and get it under control. I sent my ex-girlfriend another email yesterday, hoping she will at least keep me informed regarding my son. However, I also called a lawyer because if I am being denied anything regarding the information of my child, then I do have legal rights to take into consideration. I really did not want to go this way with everything but sometimes I need to put myself first, especially in regards to my child.

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Re: When It Rains, It Pours...
« Reply #39 on: August 27, 2015, 05:50:00 AM »
Man... John... this is just shit.  Sorry to hear this.  Not really sure what advice or thoughts I have to offer that can help.  mrs.jingle is highly attuned to others' emotions as well, so I have a bit of comprehension of what it is that you're going through - and how hard it is on you.

Hit me up over email anytime.

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That's a word salad - and take it from me, I know word salad
I fear for the day when something happens on the right that is SO nuts that even Stadler says "That's crazy".
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Re: When It Rains, It Pours...
« Reply #40 on: August 27, 2015, 05:58:17 AM »
Man... John... this is just shit.  Sorry to hear this.  Not really sure what advice or thoughts I have to offer that can help.  mrs.jingle is highly attuned to others' emotions as well, so I have a bit of comprehension of what it is that you're going through - and how hard it is on you.

Hit me up over email anytime.

:brohug:

I appreciate the sentiments but the truth is advice is lost on me. I feel bad for people trying to talk me out of this but the problem is, excuse the phrase, beneath the surface. It's buried deep within me and if there is to be any inner peace, it needs to be resolved over time. I am not afraid to admit that I spent many times crying when I think about everything I have gone through lately. I have some hope that once the baby is here, she will reach out to me. Even worse is what my ex-wife said to me recently. She is having trouble with her boyfriend so she jokingly said to me that we should just get back together and deal with everything we have to. That same night, when her boyfriend said he was concerned about her not being fully devoted to him and mentioned me in the discussion, she said "fuck John, he's just $520 in my bank account every two weeks. You're the one I'm in love with." It brings new meaning to the phrase, adding fuel to the fire. So now I have two women who look at me as only being useful as a donor and some mentally unstable cash cow.

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Re: When It Rains, It Pours...
« Reply #41 on: August 27, 2015, 06:36:25 AM »
Dude, this sucks and I feel bad for you.  Have you gone to see a psychologist to assist with the emotions?  Nothing wrong with crying either, I found myself crying a lot when I was alone after dealing with my break up last year.  Just need to keep pushing along and know that things will work out in the end and you will find happiness if you keep working towards it.

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Re: When It Rains, It Pours...
« Reply #42 on: August 27, 2015, 07:08:00 AM »
It's very rare that I have nothing to add or say in a conversation. I can't even begin to put myself in your shoes. I hope everything works out.

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Re: When It Rains, It Pours...
« Reply #43 on: August 27, 2015, 10:24:39 AM »
Thanks guys. As far as a psychologist or psychiatrist, I've tried.  They all want to put me on meds. Because of my recent issues with having side effects from different medications, I have become even more cautious regarding taking pills. Every one I spoke to just didn't seem to get me. I know I have a lot going on inside me but I always felt like they were giving me some generalized answer that they would use on everyone that walked into their office. First, I was labeled as bipolar, which I am clearly not.  Then, the next psychiatrist said I was just depressed.  Yes I am depressed, but that just stems from a greater issue.

I am an empath and because of that I feel things differently and more intensely than the average person. If they are going to fix me, they need to focus on that. As long as that is inside me, no pills or talking is going to do much good. I need to be taught how to hone my empathic nature. For many people, being an empath is a gift. However, there are some of us who do not know how to control it; it becomes overwhelming and eventually takes over. The problem is the better psychiatrists are private and are not usually covered by health insurance.

What I feel is that this girl and I have a deeper connection than we both are used to. She introduced me to the concept of twin flames. It really has described us perfectly. However, in a twin flame relationship there is a runner and a chaser. Obviously, she is the runner. I wouldn't believe any of this twin flame concept if I didn't feel it deep down inside. I loved my wife but it was nowhere near to the love I feel for this girl. When we are together, the connection is magical. We have differences of course but it never hindered the progress of our relationship.  We're both afflicted with anxiety and she handles it by running off and disappearing. She doesn't handle stress well and would rather be alone than deal with any kind of drama. Me? I would fight until my last breath to keep us together no matter what. She has left me a few times since we first met last February but she always made her way back to me. This is a common trait in a twin flame relationship. However, my concern now is that she has completely shut off communication with me.

I have spoken with others who are also in twin flame relationships and looking for some guidance through them, some have said to reach out to her in any way I can, even if it's a letter in the mail. So I plan on sending her something today or tomorrow. I'm not going into too much detail but I was told just to let her know that I'm here for her and no matter what she will always be able to rely on me.  A lot of people have said the pregnancy could really be affecting her thinking, especially since she was used to taking meds for her anxiety. I really am hoping this period of silence passes and we can go back to how we were. In my heart, I don't feel like the relationship is over. I just know it's her current way of thinking that has her scared and feeling like she is better off staying with her mother than dealing with the stresses of moving out. Especially since she has never been on her own before. She said she is happier being alone than with someone, but I think she speaks for many people who crave their alone time. That doesn't mean she can't be in a relationship with someone. She's afraid of losing her individuality and because of her past experiences, just assumes that I will try and control her in some way. That just isn't my personality though. I just want her to see me for me and realize that there isn't anything I wouldn't do to protect her and take care of her. I've told her many times that I love her for her. Even her nuances that might seem excessive to me, I have accepted. It's part of who she is and it makes me love her more.

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Re: When It Rains, It Pours...
« Reply #44 on: August 27, 2015, 10:27:43 AM »
Just to add to my doubts of the relationship being over. She said these things to me just two days before she broke it off.

"I can't wait to be Mrs. Perri."
"My daughter wants to come with you to pick out the engagement ring."
"I can't wait until I have this baby so we can make love the way we used to. The pregnancy has made it so uncomfortable to do so."
"I am so glad you have always fought for us."
"I feel like you're the only person I can be myself around and I feel like you're my best friend."

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Re: When It Rains, It Pours...
« Reply #45 on: August 27, 2015, 06:38:57 PM »
Well, she's clearly not a very stable person if she did a 180 that quickly, but I've probably said that before.

That aside, if really feel like your emotions are out of control, you need to be in therapy. Therapists aren't pill pushers (and can't even prescribe you meds)- go to a counselor or LCSW (licensed clinical social worker), not a psychiatrist. If you're against meds, just tell them that from the beginning and tell them what you want to work on. You are the one paying them to help you, and the reins are in your hands. Frankly, it sounds a bit like you're just in a pattern of feeling sorry for yourself at this point. I'm not trying to be mean, just straight up- we all do it. I'm a huge empath. I've been that way my entire life and although it is sometimes crippling, it doesn't have to control you. You DO have control over your emotions and how you react to your life circumstances, and to just sit there and say it's out of your hands is... well, lame. I think you'd be a great candidate for cognitive behavioral therapy.
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Re: When It Rains, It Pours...
« Reply #46 on: August 28, 2015, 06:15:05 AM »
^ all of that.

John, I'm picturing your emotions as a wild stallion. They can be tamed and controlled, but not without professional assistance. Keep trying to find the right professional for you and your needs.
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Re: When It Rains, It Pours...
« Reply #47 on: August 28, 2015, 06:39:25 AM »
Agreed about not seeing a psychiatrist, go for someone who just wants to talk and focus on getting you to feel better without the meds.  I personally am very anti-meds, but I understand that sometimes they are necessary.  But I think maybe just having someone who is neutral and can just listen to you and hopefully point out things that you dont notice or let you just open up and feel relieved can be helpful.  I saw a therapist before and found just talking out loud about what was bothering me was helpful even though I dont think my therapist actually told me anything useful.

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Re: When It Rains, It Pours...
« Reply #48 on: August 28, 2015, 08:38:54 AM »
Exactly. Sometimes you just keep talking and you realize things without the therapist saying a word, or just asking a very basic open-ended question.
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Re: When It Rains, It Pours...
« Reply #49 on: August 28, 2015, 12:23:27 PM »
Thanks guys. As far as a psychologist or psychiatrist, I've tried.  They all want to put me on meds. Because of my recent issues with having side effects from different medications, I have become even more cautious regarding taking pills. Every one I spoke to just didn't seem to get me. I know I have a lot going on inside me but I always felt like they were giving me some generalized answer that they would use on everyone that walked into their office. First, I was labeled as bipolar, which I am clearly not.  Then, the next psychiatrist said I was just depressed.  Yes I am depressed, but that just stems from a greater issue.

I am an empath and because of that I feel things differently and more intensely than the average person. If they are going to fix me, they need to focus on that. As long as that is inside me, no pills or talking is going to do much good. I need to be taught how to hone my empathic nature. For many people, being an empath is a gift. However, there are some of us who do not know how to control it; it becomes overwhelming and eventually takes over. The problem is the better psychiatrists are private and are not usually covered by health insurance.

Um.  Hmmm.   I should stay out of this, but since you're posting...

I know what an empath is, though I am not one, and I'm pretty sure that only covers part of your issue.   You seem to have an excuse for everything.  How do you expect a therapist to "get you" completely in one or two sessions?  I've been going to mine for almost two years now, and we're finally getting to some point of actually making a difference.   You are xx years old, and they have to absorb all your experiences, all your thoughts, all your emotions from those xx years to really "get you".   Add to that that they are only going on what you say for that period, and you have to give them a shot.   

As for "meds", I know better than to argue, but I also know that I have seen five therapists in my life, and only one has even mentioned meds (as a temporary solution to anxiety) and dropped the issue totally when I said I didn't feel comfortable with that.   I think cram, bout to crash, and jingle have already covered this, but find someone who CAN'T prescribe meds and give that a shot.  the "Psychology Today" website is a good place to start.

Quote
We have differences of course but it never hindered the progress of our relationship.  We're both afflicted with anxiety and she handles it by running off and disappearing. She doesn't handle stress well and would rather be alone than deal with any kind of drama. Me? I would fight until my last breath to keep us together no matter what. She has left me a few times since we first met last February but she always made her way back to me. This is a common trait in a twin flame relationship. However, my concern now is that she has completely shut off communication with me.

Uh... that pretty much sounds like it is hindering the progress of your relationship.  This is analogous to the story of the scorpion and the turtle; "take me across the river and I won't sting you".  Then the scorpion stings the turtle, and the turtle says "why did you do that?" and the scorpion says, "because it is who I am."

Quote
She said she is happier being alone than with someone, but I think she speaks for many people who crave their alone time. That doesn't mean she can't be in a relationship with someone. She's afraid of losing her individuality and because of her past experiences, just assumes that I will try and control her in some way. That just isn't my personality though. I just want her to see me for me and realize that there isn't anything I wouldn't do to protect her and take care of her. I've told her many times that I love her for her. Even her nuances that might seem excessive to me, I have accepted. It's part of who she is and it makes me love her more.

Uh... bro.   Your "say/do" ratio is way out of whack.  You're not wanting to control her, a girl who has professed to prefer being alone, yet you know better that you "belong together" and are moving heaven and earth to "show" her there is nothing you wouldn't do to protect her and take care of her?   Do you even care what she thinks?   You're doing the exact opposite of what she wants; who is going to want to "love" someone that clearly isn't listening, clearly doesn't care what she thinks, and clearly isn't interested in respecting her space and distance?

No offense, but in my humble opinion, you need to back the heck off.    Sorry if this is harsh, but seems pretty crystal clear to me. 

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Re: When It Rains, It Pours...
« Reply #50 on: August 29, 2015, 09:30:28 PM »
First, I was labeled as bipolar, which I am clearly not.  Then, the next psychiatrist said I was just depressed.  Yes I am depressed, but that just stems from a greater issue.




Everyone before me said some great stuff. Take my expertise as a grain of salt if you will, as someone who works with those diagnosed with; schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, bipolar I & II, IDD (new word for low IQ), major depressive disorder, anti-social personality disorder, DID, borderline personality disorder, and basically everything else you can think of from the DSM5. If you are not bipolar or schizophrenic, yes, meds will only have a certain impact. Even with those two, they are historically ineffective as a whole due to non-compliance.  Medication for mental health overall cures nothing, and teaches nothing. Takes the edge off for most, or calms the hallucinations for those with a lot more.

And what I bolded is your key concern. Work on that- if you need a therapist, that's your target. But if you write them off as giving stock advice, then that is all you will ever get. Sure, a therapist or psychiatrist who is great may charge over 100$ per hour. Not many can afford that, and IMO should not be charging that to everyone- but that is a different discussion.

Generally, the more someone gives me in a session, the more they get from me. And as a result, that person will get more out of it. Otherwise, sure, I might drop stock stuff if someone is giving me superficial stuff. Therapy is not about lies, but about truth that is hard at times.

I don't really get what being an empath is either? Other than something from Star Trek, that is being extroverted. Empathy is a basic intervention actually used in therapy, reflecting others experiences and understanding them. If you are overwhelmed right now, I reckon those are your own emotions dealing with a tough situation. So an empath, if I use what I know from Star Trek, would be overwhelmed by the pain that your ex wife experiences, problems your girlfriend has, issues your neighbor has, problems your boss has and so on- being depressed solely on that. What I see and hear here is pain from your experiences. And perhaps guilt & shame from your past decisions.
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Re: When It Rains, It Pours...
« Reply #51 on: August 30, 2015, 01:23:32 AM »
Well, it's not about extraversion necessarily. Somebody who's very empathic picks up a lot of other peoples' shit, which can be exhausting and unhealthy, as I've learned from my own experience. But it has nothing to do with whether a person can control his/her own feelings. That's a separate issue. The empathy is not the major problem in this scenario, obviously.
Anyway, I totally agree with your views on meds and therapy. Obviously one's attitude going into it is important. I think part of the reason people are so resistant to therapy is because it's easy to sit back and complain, but very difficult to actually do the work on trying to get your shit under control.

Anyway, John, I think you can find a therapist who is affordable and/or works on a sliding scale... or if your insurance will pay for that, awesome. Like I said, look for a counselor or LCSW and meds are not going to be an issue. Psychiatrists are not meant to do talk therapy. When they try, it's awkward because they're doctors  :lol
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Re: When It Rains, It Pours...
« Reply #52 on: August 30, 2015, 04:28:16 AM »
I can't speak about the specific relationship details, but my eldest daughter has been diagnosed as bipolar type II, and while she is definitely on medication for that which helps to keep her a little more centered, the best thing for her treatment right now is her counselor/therapist.  That is doing wonders for her.
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Re: When It Rains, It Pours...
« Reply #53 on: August 31, 2015, 05:33:49 AM »
I know. I need to find the right therapist for my situation. It's something I really need to do. My issue lately is that I have no desire to do anything. It's not really an excuse. It's just is how it is. I need to talk myself out of it before even taking the next step. I will sit on the couch for hours and not move. In my head I'm telling myself to get off my ass and find a therapist but the rest of me is too busy feeling sorry for myself. I get that. However, it's not just a matter of getting up and doing it. If it were that simple to me, I obviously would have done that already. There's obviously some kind of mental block that is overpowering my rationale. I don't know what kind of convincing I need to do to get me off my ass to make that phone call. I have no problem getting up for work or going to pick up my daughter to spend time with her. Those seem to be the only things I make sure I do. Everything else seems a distant second.

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Re: When It Rains, It Pours...
« Reply #54 on: August 31, 2015, 07:04:51 AM »
I know. I need to find the right therapist for my situation. It's something I really need to do. My issue lately is that I have no desire to do anything. It's not really an excuse. It's just is how it is. I need to talk myself out of it before even taking the next step. I will sit on the couch for hours and not move. In my head I'm telling myself to get off my ass and find a therapist but the rest of me is too busy feeling sorry for myself. I get that. However, it's not just a matter of getting up and doing it. If it were that simple to me, I obviously would have done that already. There's obviously some kind of mental block that is overpowering my rationale. I don't know what kind of convincing I need to do to get me off my ass to make that phone call. I have no problem getting up for work or going to pick up my daughter to spend time with her. Those seem to be the only things I make sure I do. Everything else seems a distant second.

Depression is a bitch.  I went thru that over the last year... just didn't care about anything about myself.  Cared about my job because is sustained my family, cared about my kids because their my kids... but the rest?  Just didn't have it in me.  One thing my therapist suggest is to just FORCE yourself to do the things you don't want to, or do the opposite of what you want to do.  Want to just sit on the couch?  Go for a walk instead.  Wanna just lie in bed all day?  Take a shower.  Wanna have a drink?  Go work out.

It's hard dude, I get it... I was there all winter.  Not sure I had one moment that snapped me out of it, but I do know exercising helped.
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Re: When It Rains, It Pours...
« Reply #55 on: September 01, 2015, 02:53:56 AM »
I also battled depression last year, 2014 was easily the worst year in my life.  Instead of saying sorry to yourself, put yourself outside your comfort zone and it'll force you to have some sort of feeling and reaction.  That's what I did, started doing things I never would have done before and all of the sudden you start to feel alive again and then get back into your groove.  Granted, getting out of your comfort zone is the difficult part and I am not sure how to motivate someone to do that, but your own words should be your motivation. 

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Re: When It Rains, It Pours...
« Reply #56 on: September 01, 2015, 07:00:48 AM »
I battle depression all the time. Mainly because I can live a perfectly simple life and be happy, but because of taxes, societal norms, and the ridiculous cost associated with doing anything, I'm stuck working a job that I've never once for a second enjoyed being at. Anything I enjoy doing would have me living below the poverty line.

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Re: When It Rains, It Pours...
« Reply #57 on: September 30, 2015, 02:52:48 PM »
So how are things going?

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Re: When It Rains, It Pours...
« Reply #58 on: October 11, 2015, 03:50:19 AM »
I've come to terms with the fact that the relationship is dead. She hasn't reached out to me. Everyone on her side has blocked me on Facebook. She even went so far as to change her number.  I'm being told by many people on my side that they truly do not believe this kid is mine.  I tried to go to court to file an order of paternity and I was denied because I don't know the baby's name. I really don't know what to do at this point.  Nobody is responding to emails or phone calls, so beside getting information illegally I am out of options. I don't like talking about it much anymore because it makes me realize how much this girl hurt and used me, but I still have to be sure regarding this baby. I will NOT abandon my child because my ex-girlfriend is being a massive bitch. For all I know, she did pick up and leave but I have no way of knowing. Honestly, I've thought about trying to find her ex who is supposedly the father of her first child.  She claims he abandoned them but after all that has happened between us, I'm starting to doubt that story. She claims he's in Florida and his name is too common to find easily, if that's even his real name. It's fucking sad when I have to take EVERYTHING she ever said to me with a grain of salt.

Sometimes such anger fills me over this that I want her to suffer for everything she did.  Believe me there are people close to me who want the same. Then I have to realize that I have a 5 year old who needs me in her life so I can't go doing anything stupid to endanger that. At this moment in time, she has won. I can't allow that to be the case forever. There's no way I am giving up on this. Yes, the relationship is dead and I will never be with her again. However, she will not walk away from this situation blemish free.

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Re: When It Rains, It Pours...
« Reply #59 on: October 11, 2015, 04:53:20 AM »
Really sad to hear you going through these tremendous ups and downs John.  From everything you've said, this lady has some significant mental health issues of some sort.  You're a standup guy for wanting to do the right thing for your child - even in the face of the fact that it quite possibly might not even be your child.

I agree with your stance - focus all your positivity on your existing child.  There's nothing to be gained in trying to focus any of that towards this lady or this other child.  She's made her choice, and in some regard, has (sadly) made your choice for you.  It's quite possibly a better choice than the situation where it's not your child, but she milks you for everything she can.  THAT would have a tremendous impact on your life with your daughter.

Chin up bro, we're all here for you.  Drop me a note anytime.
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Re: When It Rains, It Pours...
« Reply #60 on: October 11, 2015, 08:51:19 AM »
Really sad to hear you going through these tremendous ups and downs John.  From everything you've said, this lady has some significant mental health issues of some sort.  You're a standup guy for wanting to do the right thing for your child - even in the face of the fact that it quite possibly might not even be your child.

I agree with your stance - focus all your positivity on your existing child.  There's nothing to be gained in trying to focus any of that towards this lady or this other child.  She's made her choice, and in some regard, has (sadly) made your choice for you.  It's quite possibly a better choice than the situation where it's not your child, but she milks you for everything she can.  THAT would have a tremendous impact on your life with your daughter.

Chin up bro, we're all here for you.  Drop me a note anytime.

Pretty much everything Chad  said. Your story here is tough....but you do have that little girl to care for and be there for. She can be that source of strength and happiness you need to keep you moving that gets you through this tough season of your life. And, YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT. Stay focused on that little girl and (I know it's easier said than done) but try not to focus on getting even or anything like that.

Stay within yourself and means when trying to verify for certain the paternity of the baby (her actions make it seem more likely it's NOT your child) and don't risk anything that can hurt you legally. In my experience More often than not people like her do get what's coming to them and people like you get the vindication and peace they deserve.
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Re: When It Rains, It Pours...
« Reply #61 on: October 11, 2015, 11:09:54 AM »
Oy vey, sorry to hear all that. But yeah, you do need to find out if it's your kid. If you were having unprotected sex, go ahead and assume there's a good chance it is, even if she was fucking other people. Is there anybody who is friends with her that will still talk to you?
Oh Jackie, always jumping to the most homoerotic possibility.

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Re: When It Rains, It Pours...
« Reply #62 on: October 11, 2015, 12:14:49 PM »
Really sad to hear you going through these tremendous ups and downs John.  From everything you've said, this lady has some significant mental health issues of some sort.  You're a standup guy for wanting to do the right thing for your child - even in the face of the fact that it quite possibly might not even be your child.

I agree with your stance - focus all your positivity on your existing child.  There's nothing to be gained in trying to focus any of that towards this lady or this other child.  She's made her choice, and in some regard, has (sadly) made your choice for you.  It's quite possibly a better choice than the situation where it's not your child, but she milks you for everything she can.  THAT would have a tremendous impact on your life with your daughter.

Chin up bro, we're all here for you.  Drop me a note anytime.

Thanks Chad.  The good news regarding the money is that she can't squeeze a dime out of me without proving I am the father, especially since my name isn't on the birth certificate.

Really sad to hear you going through these tremendous ups and downs John.  From everything you've said, this lady has some significant mental health issues of some sort.  You're a standup guy for wanting to do the right thing for your child - even in the face of the fact that it quite possibly might not even be your child.

I agree with your stance - focus all your positivity on your existing child.  There's nothing to be gained in trying to focus any of that towards this lady or this other child.  She's made her choice, and in some regard, has (sadly) made your choice for you.  It's quite possibly a better choice than the situation where it's not your child, but she milks you for everything she can.  THAT would have a tremendous impact on your life with your daughter.

Chin up bro, we're all here for you.  Drop me a note anytime.

Pretty much everything Chad  said. Your story here is tough....but you do have that little girl to care for and be there for. She can be that source of strength and happiness you need to keep you moving that gets you through this tough season of your life. And, YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT. Stay focused on that little girl and (I know it's easier said than done) but try not to focus on getting even or anything like that.

Stay within yourself and means when trying to verify for certain the paternity of the baby (her actions make it seem more likely it's NOT your child) and don't risk anything that can hurt you legally. In my experience More often than not people like her do get what's coming to them and people like you get the vindication and peace they deserve.

It's a natural human instinct to seek revenge but I do need to be smart about it. At least for now. In case this baby is mine, doing something stupid to her could ruin the chances of seeing either of my children. So, I'll behave. 

Oy vey, sorry to hear all that. But yeah, you do need to find out if it's your kid. If you were having unprotected sex, go ahead and assume there's a good chance it is, even if she was fucking other people. Is there anybody who is friends with her that will still talk to you?

Some of my friends said I should just call her mother and tell her the truth about everything. For all I know, Natalie told her mother that I just picked up and left.  Her cousin was friends with me but then unfriended me a couple of weeks ago. She hasn't blocked me so I'm wondering if I should say something. I would really be using her just to find out the baby's name. Ugh, I am dreading one thing. She was threatening to name the baby after her ex-boyfriend. I swear if she named MY kid after her ex, it's  not going to sit well with me OR the people in my camp.  I fear for her if she actually did that and it won't be me she has to fear.  I can't protect her anymore by making excuses for why people should leave her alone. They all gave her a chance because of me, but obviously that's not going to happen anymore 

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Re: When It Rains, It Pours...
« Reply #63 on: October 11, 2015, 01:20:30 PM »
In all honesty, anything retaliatory usually just makes a painful memory worse long term.  Sounds like the only conversation worth having with her (or her intermediaries) is "I just want to verify I am the father so I can continue what I've been planning for months; to be a good father."  Or something like that.  I wouldn't take it from the "I doubt I'm even the father" angle.  I also would be shy of "I'm positive I'm the father", because the only way you can be positive at this point is with the test.  If she talks about *us*, I'd just put it on her with "You made it clear *we* are in the past and I don't want to be with somebody that doesn't want to be with me, so there is no *us*."

Mostly, I'm just glad to hear you are *keepin' on*.  It may not be the best of time, but at least it didn't break you.

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Re: When It Rains, It Pours...
« Reply #64 on: October 11, 2015, 10:39:08 PM »
True that. If her mother will talk to you, that might be a good route. I mean, I think most people would be sympathetic to your story if they knew it.
Oh Jackie, always jumping to the most homoerotic possibility.

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Re: When It Rains, It Pours...
« Reply #65 on: October 13, 2015, 05:09:56 AM »
In all honesty, anything retaliatory usually just makes a painful memory worse long term.  Sounds like the only conversation worth having with her (or her intermediaries) is "I just want to verify I am the father so I can continue what I've been planning for months; to be a good father."  Or something like that.  I wouldn't take it from the "I doubt I'm even the father" angle.  I also would be shy of "I'm positive I'm the father", because the only way you can be positive at this point is with the test.  If she talks about *us*, I'd just put it on her with "You made it clear *we* are in the past and I don't want to be with somebody that doesn't want to be with me, so there is no *us*."

Mostly, I'm just glad to hear you are *keepin' on*.  It may not be the best of time, but at least it didn't break you.

Thanks. It took a while to break out of it but time does heal most wounds. Part of it still stings from time to time. For example, on Saturday my ex-wife found Natalie's new Facebook page. I can't view it because I'm blocked still but that moment put me in a sour mood for a little while.


True that. If her mother will talk to you, that might be a good route. I mean, I think most people would be sympathetic to your story if they knew it.

I should try and just give it a chance. What's the worst that could happen? 

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Re: When It Rains, It Pours...
« Reply #66 on: October 13, 2015, 06:41:40 AM »
Honestly, after reading through this whole thread it sounds like you got lucky. It may suck balls now but I think a few years down the road you're going to look back on all of this and realize what a crazy and conniving woman she was. There are other fish in the sea.

As for the contacting of the mother, I wouldn't. Nothing good will come from it. Trust me. She either has her family totally convinced of her story and of who the person she pretends to be or they know she is crazy but choose to ignore it. The best thing you can do is just forget her. Stop checking facebook. Stop thinking about trying to right her wrongs. Leave her and this situation in your past. Learn from it, but don't let it dictate your life. I'm sure it seems hard now but it will get easier.

As far as the kid goes, you need to do some soul searching on that. I'm not sure what I would do in your shoes but if you choose to pursue the paternity test make sure it's for the kid and to not try to get back together with her. Is there a doubt in your mind that it isn't yours?

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Re: When It Rains, It Pours...
« Reply #67 on: October 13, 2015, 06:51:46 AM »
The only thing that would make me contact anyone on her side would be to find out whatever information I can about the baby. Yes, I have doubts that the baby is mine. I never did until all of this transpired and I saw her for who she really was. She took advantage of me because I was down in the dumps because of my failed marriage, so she knew exactly what to say to rope me in. I'm a romantic so she played her part perfectly to convince me that she was my savior and nothing like my ex-wife. If she was even a halfway decent person, she would have reached out to me regarding the baby. She has blocked me, changed her number, and made it quite clear the type of person she is.

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Re: When It Rains, It Pours...
« Reply #68 on: October 13, 2015, 07:07:15 AM »
So sorry man. I got to say though, do not retaliate. It will not help anything and at the end of the day, it will not make you feel better. You say she is a terrible person, well do not go down to her level.

As for the baby, of it is not yours a whole lot to your story makes more sense as to why she is acting the way she was.  Just so unfortunate that you can't get a paternity test.  Feels very unfair to me.  How could someone be that cruel to let someone walk the earth not knowing?! How could she not want to know?!

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Re: When It Rains, It Pours...
« Reply #69 on: October 13, 2015, 07:39:45 AM »

As for the baby, of it is not yours a whole lot to your story makes more sense as to why she is acting the way she was.  Just so unfortunate that you can't get a paternity test.  Feels very unfair to me.  How could someone be that cruel to let someone walk the earth not knowing?! How could she not want to know?!

Uh, because she DOES know?