When It Rains, It Pours...

[Prog Snob]

Sometimes when you think everything is going amazing and you think nothing can tear you down, the unexpected catches you in the back.

After my wife and I split, I moved forward with my relationship with the most amazing girl I ever met. She seemed to be everything and have everything I ever wanted in a woman. She had the same passions as I did and we felt from our very first meeting that the connection was unreal. Recently we had been looking into the meaning of twin flames and realized it described us so perfectly. It made us feel connected at such a deeper level that I felt secure for the first time in my life. I put everything into this girl and wanted to give her so much more just to show her how much she meant to me.

She's due in September with my my first son and we were looking for a bigger place to live to accommodate the new arrival. I found a couple of places nearby and everything kept falling into place.

She left me last week, saying that she needed a break and wasn't sure what she wanted anymore. She felt there was too much happening at once and that it was too much to handle so she needed to rethink her future.

I was devastated, like I never felt before. I felt like my heart was ripped out and stepped on. I felt like everything beautiful she said lost its meaning and the hurt has been so powerful that I don't even want to do anything. I left so much behind thinking she was actually the genuine person she came off as. She was saving me from a marriage gone wrong. She was a connection like I had never felt before and now it's all gone.  In the blink of an eye, for a second time in two years, my future has been destroyed. It's unbearable to think of her without breaking down because it makes me think of every word she told me to make me feel loved and now I have to accept it as lost and try and move on, try to trust again, and find some meaning somewhere.

[King Postwhore]

I'm so sorry man.  Damn that's tough to hear.  You hang in there ok. 

[kaos2900]

Sorry to hear that man. It sounds from your post that she is just getting cold feet and there is a chance she'll come around. And even if she doesn't your future isn't destroyed. You'll have a new son to live for and as a parent believe me there is nothing better. Everything happens for a reason good or bad. Hang in there.

[Onno]

Sorry to hear that man. Hang in there.

[faizoff]

That's gut wrenching to hear. Hopefully this feeling she's having is due to being overwhelmed with the pregnancy and will work out better for you both. I can say from recently having a child come in my life that the wife has acted very differently than what I've always known her to be. I hope things to work out for you, don't give up just yet.

[Calvin6s]

That's terrible news.  Especially with a child on the way.

Obviously I only know what you tell us, but it really does sound like she just panicked.  If she comes back, just give her one word:  Mulligan.

You only get one though.

[cramx3]

Sorry to hear this, like other have stated it sounds like she could be having cold feet and maybe the pregnancy is effecting her emotions.  Hopefully she comes around.

[hefdaddy42]

That's awful news, John.  I'm so sorry.

[gmillerdrake]

Man....that is tough to hear. But like a couple others have said, maybe she's just getting cold feet and will come to realize what she has. I really do hope it's just a brief separation and that you two can find one another again, especially with a child on the way.

[Podaar]

I'm pulling for you, Mang. If things can be worked out I'm hopeful that they will be.

[TioJorge]

My friend, I know those feels all too well. In fact, I still have a few letters from my 7 year relationship that was very much how you described your own. The letters, like her words, like her words to you, are a reminder to me that people talk way to fucking much. Words are paltry things. They can lie, they can inspire hope, and then said person's actions can defy every single word out of their mouth. It happens, and I still haven't found a way to protect myself against it. All I can say is...know that you're going to be okay, know that everything beautiful is not gone and that just because you feel like dying right now, you will feel better in time and that is a fact. Allow yourself time to (for lack of a better word) mourn and heal, then pull yourself up by your bootstraps, raise your head high, and get back on that sarah jessica parker.

If it works, it works; if it doesn't, it doesn't. People change, as do their feelings, and sometimes...sadly, their words get lost in the shuffle and lose their importance. See what happens, and if it's truly done, then learn what you can, take the good, leave the bad, and find yourself someone that is true to you. Stay strong. 

Oh yeah and screw that expression in the title cause it's way too true. Before these past couple months I'd been saying it for so long.....wait....I....I've been in a good mood recently. Ohhh...ohhh no. Something terrible is going to happen... *Turns on Skyrim, barricades door, buys twenty liters of water*.

[Prog Snob]

Thanks, guys. I appreciate the support. I just feel like this isn't the action of someone who recently told me I was like a best friend to her. I feel like if her real purpose was because of the pregnancy and hormones, then she should come out and tell me that. She left me a letter in my mailbox yesterday basically blaming me for most of what happened. I lost it. I just broke down so much that my ex-wife, the one whose family I broke apart for this other girl, came over to console me. I really did everything for this girl. Everything from forgiving her for her mistakes and supporting her when no one else would. She won't be welcome back because everyone in my life, family and friends, are so angry at what she did. So even if she did come back, I wouldn't be able to take her back. This isn't the first time she put our relationship on hold to rethink things. She has been doing this since last summer. But I was foolish and kept forgiving her because we had a lot of fight through so I understood her frustration. This time was it though. I was officially apart from my wife and I had my own place that this girl could come to whenever she wanted. I even made her a key.

I just feel like I was betrayed completely and that she didn't care enough to express any sorrow for her decision. The whole letter was blaming me for everything. Not one sentence mentioned that she still loved me and that she wish things could be the same. I feel like she either lied to me about how she felt all of this time or she did really love me but took the easy way out and just moved on. I really don't know. It's all so confusing.

[Stadler]

Thanks, guys. I appreciate the support. I just feel like this isn't the action of someone who recently told me I was like a best friend to her. I feel like if her real purpose was because of the pregnancy and hormones, then she should come out and tell me that. She left me a letter in my mailbox yesterday basically blaming me for most of what happened. I lost it. I just broke down so much that my ex-wife, the one whose family I broke apart for this other girl, came over to console me. I really did everything for this girl. Everything from forgiving her for her mistakes and supporting her when no one else would. She won't be welcome back because everyone in my life, family and friends, are so angry at what she did. So even if she did come back, I wouldn't be able to take her back. This isn't the first time she put our relationship on hold to rethink things. She has been doing this since last summer. But I was foolish and kept forgiving her because we had a lot of fight through so I understood her frustration. This time was it though. I was officially apart from my wife and I had my own place that this girl could come to whenever she wanted. I even made her a key.

Sorry to add more rain, but it is absolutely completely unreasonable to assume that someone going through that kind of body change would be in touch with that so acutely as to be perfect for you in her expression.   I feel bad for you for all that you did, but on the same token, that's what we do.  We put ourselves out there and it is reciprocated or it isn't.  I'm not suggesting it shouldn't hurt, but as cramx3 just wrote about, you have to be true to your feelings.

My brother is going through this as well (of sorts; his is dealing with menopause) and I'll tell you what I told him:  as long as there is a hormone soup going on in her system, you are operating on HER timetable, and on HER terms.   It won't be forever, but it is not unreasonable to think that all the things she said were legit at the time, but this is her legit at this time.  At this point the uncertainty is overwhelming.   

I just feel like I was betrayed completely and that she didn't care enough to express any sorrow for her decision. The whole letter was blaming me for everything. Not one sentence mentioned that she still loved me and that she wish things could be the same. I feel like she either lied to me about how she felt all of this time or she did really love me but took the easy way out and just moved on. I really don't know. It's all so confusing.

Can't speak for the letter, not my business, but why does it have to be one of those two options?   Right now, if you really want this to go on, it will all be in how you handle it.   Anger and more blame, or understanding and commitment, or something in between? 

HARD REALITY ALERT (YOU MAY NOT WANT TO READ THIS):  I offer this as a thought to you and TioJorge:  instead of looking at this as an "attack" or something to be "protected against", why not consider it part of what any healthy relationship is, and that is a sharing of feelings?   No one ever guaranteed that every single feeling was going to be roses and whiskey, and now you're dealing with a woman who is pregnant (for the first time?) and looking at the rest of her life with someone she isn't married to and who left his other wife to be with her.  I get you're hurting, but perhaps she is too, and perhaps she needs to know how you're going to react.   Maybe now is the time to man up and be strong enough for both of you, let her know you're in it to win it.

[King Postwhore]

Except that it sounds like she did not express these feelings until she left.  How are we to work on a relationship if there is no communication that there is an issue.  It's obvious that John was happy and looking for a new start to life with this woman and a new child but she did not communicate these issues to work on saving the relationship.

[Stadler]

Except that it sounds like she did not express these feelings until she left.  How are we to work on a relationship if there is no communication that there is an issue.  It's obvious that John was happy and looking for a new start to life with this woman and a new child but she did not communicate these issues to work on saving the relationship.

Look, I realize I'm probably sounding insensitive, and believe me, I don't mean to, because I've been in that situation, but I've been in that situation.  No, it doesn't always work out, but there's a reason that guy sold a billion books called "Venus and Mars".  I think that it is the hardest thing in the world to do, but in relationships - especially when we're dealing with physical inputs as opposed to just "I'm a douche" - it is often necessary to take a punch right in the sac and yet think about why the punch came, rather than "how do I hit back"?

Honestly, I read this and it was like a neon sign going off in the frontal lobe of my brain:  I've never met her, talked to her, seen her, or even knew she existed before today, but I see a scared, confused woman facing one of the biggest challenges that we as humans face, and wondering - out loud, in so many words - whether she is equipped to face it.   Now, whether that "fear" and "confusion" manifests itself as "hey let's talk" or "hey, I'm out till I can figure it out", well, that's why we have a thread called... whatever this thread is called. 

[King Postwhore]

I get the hormone thing.  I've been married almost 21 years.  But life is a roller coaster that you need someone to lean on.  Instead of pulling away, she needs to work things out.  Not giving it a chance at all is a damn shame and not fair to the significant other.

[DebraKadabra]

((((((((((((Proggie Snobbie))))))))))))
 
In some ways, I know exactly how you feel. I'd really rather not elaborate publically, so if you feel so inclined... hit me up with a PM sometime. Thinking nothing but good thoughts for you, my friend. 

[sneakyblueberry]

Fuck

I'm sorry to hear that mate.  <3

[bout to crash]

That is shitty
Sounds like this isn't a huge surprise considering her past behavior but still hurts. Just remember, regardless of what she decides, the child is yours too and you have the right to be involved in his life. I'd be concerned with all the blaming and inconsistency that she might try to prevent that.

[Prog Snob]

Thanks again, guys. Nobody is being insensitive about this. Stadler, you have some extremely valid points. I wish I could sit here and just know she'll be back and it's very possible she might want to but is afraid to. I know her pretty well and I know she hasn't stopped thinking about me. She's searched me on Facebook twice in the last three days, so she is definitely having trouble letting go. She knows she made a mistake and she knows that I don't deserve to be feeling this way. I guess it's just a matter of fear and facing her deep anxiety issues.

The problem is this...my family and close friends do NOT like this girl right now. So, if she were to try and come back to reconcile everything, that puts me in such a tough predicament. I love this girl like I never thought I could love someone. The way I feel right now, I would take her back in a heartbeat if she came to me with some kind of explanation for her actions.  But then that means many people in my life would be really pissed off and make it uncomfortable if they were ever in her presence.

It's just an extremely confusing and painful time for me right now. I don't know what life to prepare for, one with her, or one without her.

[jingle.boy]

Tough spot John... especially the whole taking-her-back part.  We (men) want to forgive, and be accepting of everyone, and moreso, have people accept and approve of us.  But (another reality check), do you want your current love for her to over-ride the common sense that she seems to be a little unstable when it comes to relationships?  Are you prepared for her to do this again... but maybe with your 2-year old child?  You said this isn't the first time she's done this.

Believe me, I've had my ups and downs as some around here know.  But if there isn't a two way commitment, then there really isn't anything that truly is 'forever'.  It's like the old fable of the chicken and the egg at breakfast... the chicken is involved.; the pig is committed.  Sounds like she's a chicken, and you're a pig in this relationship.  There's no significant harm in her having the thoughts and feelings she's having, but for fuck's sake... if she committed to you and your relationship, tell those to a fuckin therapist, or BFF - not in a "Dear John" (sorry for the pun) letter to you.  If I voiced some of the things that were in my head when things were going not-so-good in the jingle household to mrs.jingle, I'd probably be living somewhere else.  But I'm committed to her, to us, to our family and to our lives growing old together.  I get the sense from your posts that your gf isn't.  I can't understand how she could be given her actions.

[Prog Snob]

Thanks for the input, Chad.  I know she has fears of being dumped again and her defense mechanism is to just walk out before it happens to her. She went through a lot in her past and I put so much into assuring her that I am not like the other guys. I guess that sometimes her anxiety takes over and she panics and makes hasty decisions. I just wish it was easier for her to see that my intentions are completely genuine and that no matter what, I am here for her. I would think everything I have gone through to get to this point with her would be evidence enough, but I guess she can't help how she feels sometimes.

[KevShmev]

That sucks, man.

Unfortunately for you, it appears her getting screwed over in the past makes her think it will happen again and again, so she seemingly takes preemptive strikes to do it first now, instead of waiting around to be on the receiving end again.  Sadly, there is nothing you can do to change that. It definitely sucks.

[jingle.boy]

Abandonment issues are tough to get past.  I've got 'em, and so does mrs.jingle... hers were a source of a lot of our conflicts.  One thing that my therapist told me about them was that fear of abandonment can be (and sounds like it is in this case) greater than the need for love.  Ergo (to Kev's point), she takes control of the outcome she fears on her own.  In the end (another thing my therapist dropped on me), ultimately creating the situation she fears the most.  You can't abandon her (which is likely her greatest fear) if she leaves first.

[nightmare_cinema]

Abandonment issues are tough to get past.  I've got 'em, and so does mrs.jingle... hers were a source of a lot of our conflicts.  One thing that my therapist told me about them was that fear of abandonment can be (and sounds like it is in this case) greater than the need for love.  Ergo (to Kev's point), she takes control of the outcome she fears on her own.  In the end (another thing my therapist dropped on me), ultimately creating the situation she fears the most.  You can't abandon her (which is likely her greatest fear) if she leaves first.

So much truth in that. I can't comment on John's situation but I know what it's like to have 'abandonment issues' so to speak, and quite often your mind tells you that making all these cool memories and building this bond is a stupid fucking idea cos it's just gonna cause immense pain when it eventually ends, so it's actually less painful to take control and end the relationship yourself than it is to sit and tolerate the feeling that they might end it themselves at any time. I was messed up for a while after one of my serious relationships ended out of the blue (as in after two years, daytime 'things are great I'm so in love with you' evening 'I don't think this is working I'm leaving in an hour for good', I found it seriously hard to tolerate a relationship because it just felt like setting myself up for more pain. You become certain of the outcome and believe so strongly that they're all doomed to fail anyway so might as well jump off the sinking ship before you drown.

Again, not saying that's what it sounds like for John... sometimes people just aren't invested as much as you want them to be. But what you said about abandonment really hit home.

[KevShmev]

Something to consider, too, is:

Let's assume for the sake of argument that her feelings are as strong as yours are.  Since she is willing to just abandon someone she loves, she assumes that everyone else will do the same thing - just like a cheater naturally assumes that everyone else would cheat, as a way of excusing their own cheating - so you can convince her till you are blue in the face that you love her and would never do that to her, but because of her abandonment issues, it may never be enough.  Again, it sucks.

[Prog Snob]

Faye! So good to see you! 

As far as abandonment goes, I definitely sense that is one of her main issues.  For starters, her father left when she was 12. The way I heard it was that she had her arms wrapped around his leg and crying "don't go daddy, please stay."  Naturally, that will leave a mark on her for a lifetime. She was engaged to a guy who left her, had a child with a guy who picked up and left, so when we met and we hit it off that same day, she was afraid to commit because I was still going through my separation and she just assumed I would up and leave like everyone else. She started swaying towards other men but would always come back to me whether it was a week later or a month later. So I don't know what to expect this time. She sent me back the copy of my house key that I made for her, wrote me a long letter absolving herself of all blame, and wants to be alone because she thinks it's best for her kids.

However, like I mentioned earlier, she is still checking me out and I know she did that the other times she walked away because she has always had a problem with staying away from me for a long time. I know she reacts out of anger and fear before thinking things through and later on regrets it, which is when she'll reach out to me. Her looking at my page on facebook is already a sign of that. Her letter was hurtful because it made everything about her and didn't show one ounce of care or love for me, so I know she wrote it when she was in a bad state. This is the same girl who used to get up and hour earlier every day to meet me before work, travel out of the way to get to work to spend extra time with me, bring me food every day because at the time my wife wasn't cooking for me anymore, and now she's that hurtful in a letter?  Something was off when she wrote it. 

[KevShmev]

I know it's too late to follow this, but Dating Rule number 1 is: NEVER get seriously involved with a girl with daddy issues.  Of course, you can't help how you feel, and girls with daddy issues usually give a lot of attention, because they crave a lot of attention, and a girl giving you a lot of attention is always nice. 

If you want her to come back to her, I would almost recommend staying away from her, because she will miss you more if you withdraw all contact from her, but on the flip side, it could reinforce the abandonment issue, since she might think, "See, he is abandoning me," even though she is the one who ended it. 

I really wish I had better advice.

[nightmare_cinema]

I don't mean to burst the bubble, but just to give you my two pence, sometimes people's feelings change and it doesn't mean that something is up with them, it just means that they've changed how they feel about their partner. We all do ridiculously cute stuff in the beginning. That in itself holds no meaning anymore when the relationship ends. I remember when my ex left, crying to my best friend and saying that it didn't make any sense, how could be write what he wrote to me in these love letters he used to send all the time, then just get up and leave me a few months later? She laughed and said she had some plastic flowers in her bathroom that her ex had given her, promising that the day the died would be the day he'd stop loving her. She was right, those things mean nothing once it's over. They're just painful to cling onto.

Even if someone was up with her, for argument's sake, would that make this any better? Can you be with a woman who is so unstable she is willing to walk away from the relationship when there's a baby due? If she came back, if you chose her over your family's disapproval, could you ever shake the gut dread that she would do it again someday soon anyway? She doesn't have a good track record, to have done this more than once in such a short relationship.

My advice would be to right now, take a week or two to yourself to calm down, and then start talking about what's gonna happen when your son is born. Him coming into a world where both of his parents are calm and stable is more important right now than trying to fix things with his Mother. He's coming whether you're ready or not, you need to be as prepared as possible. Maybe your tolerance levels are different but there's no way in hell I'd allow myself to be disrespected to the extent that I was letting someone back into my life and my bed who was already done with me to such an extent that he would leave and write me a 'dear john' even while we had a baby due.

It takes some time to see things clearly and realise that you deserve better and that some people just won't make a good partner to you, whether their issues are down to psychological problems from the past or they're just them falling out of love with you. Is she acting like a good partner right now? No. She didn't come to you to try fix and work on things, she left. You deserve better. And I know she's pregnant but this doesn't sound like some little spat, it sounds like she's left you dude.

[Prog Snob]

Faye, what you say has been on my mind, too. I'm jumping all over the place trying to rationalize. I only say that she seemed off because a few days earlier, we were looking at a bigger apartment for when the baby arrives. She was telling me that when I buy her engagement ring that her daughter wants to come help me pick it out. I mean, this literally was out of nowhere. There were no signs of it at all, except for her past which seemed to not be a problem anymore because of how we were planning the future finally. It's just hard to digest this... Maybe I'm being ignorant about it but I will never have closure if this is how it ends. It doesn't make sense to me at all.

[nightmare_cinema]

This might well be the cheesiest thing I've ever said but in the end, you don't get closure from someone else. I never actually really found out why my ex left me so quickly, because I went into self preservation, shut him out completely and moved on. It hurt like hell for a long time, until one day I realised 'he didn't wanna be with me anymore, the reason is unimportant. So he did us both a favour as I'd never want to be with someone who was with me out of pity, and we're both free to meet someone who's right for us'. One day you'll look back and have your closure, but it'll probably come from within. You can't see that now obviously because you're in the middle of the storm and nobody can see clearly then. Sometimes there just isn't a clear obvious reason. Sometimes the other person doesn't even know why themselves! They just know they don't feel it anymore, and leave. Maybe they don't think that's a good enough reason so they don't admit it. They just leave and try blame it all on the other person cos that feels like a more acceptable reason, well of course I'd leave if you did this this and this to me.

Sad thing is there aren't always warning signs. It's awful. It really is one of the most painful things you can go through, being left out of the blue when you're so happy with somebody. It was harder than a bereavement for me to come to terms with. I never thought I'd be okay again, but I am. You will be too.

[Prog Snob]

I hope so. Being an extreme empath, my emotions are in such a mess right now that I don't even know how to describe them to you. I just feel like my future was taken away from me. I have two kids with two different women, neither of whom want me anymore. I feel like if she had done this last year then I wouldn't have been so emotionally engrossed in everything. When she started telling me things about us being twin flames and soul mates, I feel like she was already laying a foundation for something. It's just unreal sometimes when I sit here and think last week at this time, I was looking at engagement rings and apartments for our family and today I cry because of how much I put into this only to have it disappear.

[Stadler]

Thanks for the input, Chad.  I know she has fears of being dumped again and her defense mechanism is to just walk out before it happens to her. She went through a lot in her past and I put so much into assuring her that I am not like the other guys. I guess that sometimes her anxiety takes over and she panics and makes hasty decisions. I just wish it was easier for her to see that my intentions are completely genuine and that no matter what, I am here for her. I would think everything I have gone through to get to this point with her would be evidence enough, but I guess she can't help how she feels sometimes.

I think I can say this because I don't know you from a row of assholes, so all I have to go on is what you write here, but if you asked me (and I know you didn't), don't waste any time in convincing her you are "not like other guys", but spend time convincing her you are YOU.   I'm sorry if I keep picking at nits and scabs here, but YOU LEFT SOMEONE ELSE TO BE WITH HER.  She's not an idiot, she was there.  She knows this.   YOU are the leaver she's worried about, not "other guys".   Again, I haven't met either of you, but the posts here don't scream about "daddy issues" and "other guys".   She's pregnant.  She has to fend for this kid.   Don't try to be "better than the other guy".  BE THE BEST 'YOU' YOU CAN BE.  Be someone who is not going to give one shit whatsoever about whether his family approves of him going back, or his friends are cool with her.   Worry about her and that kid.  Period.  Full stop. 


Buried in all of this is, perhaps try to start looking at this less as "all this stuff being done to me" and start to take control and ownership of the things that happen in your life.  Personally, I don't believe that things just happen "out of the blue" in a relationship, except in the most rare of cases. Sure, you might not have seen it coming in that moment, but if I look back on my relationships that failed, even the ones that seemed to be going good, it didn't take a lot of self-reflection to see that there were two parties in that, and I could have done more.  Let her blame you in letters; does it really matter?  Does it change anything?   If you really are committed to her, and are in it for the long haul, then show her that.  I think the only thing you should be worrying about now is "Am I really in this for the long haul?"  Everything else is noise and psychobabble. 

[King Postwhore]

Sadler, maybe John can give you the story on why he left his other marriage.   It's not my place but you would have a better understanding.

[jingle.boy]

This might well be the cheesiest thing I've ever said but in the end, you don't get closure from someone else.

Not cheesy at all.  It's actually quite brilliant.

They just leave and try blame it all on the other person cos that feels like a more acceptable reason, well of course I'd leave if you did this this and this to me.

Emotional vomiting, that's what these situations are.  People who are emotionally "sick" vomit all those emotions all over another person, and then start to feel better.  Only problem is that the other person is covered in vomit.

I agree with one point that Sadler makes, and don't mean to be harsh - but your first marriage did end (albeit in a very complicated manner).  None-the-less, it happened... so your current gf (with all of her experiences of men abandoning her) will equate it this way... her experiences + your previous marriage = no future.