Author Topic: The DTF Old As Mold Club v. 40 IS The New 30! Kids Stay Out!  (Read 325781 times)

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Offline El Barto

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Re: The DTF Old As Mold Club 30&Over/A.K.A. Andy's Love Advice Forum
« Reply #1190 on: March 28, 2012, 09:10:28 AM »
I need advice, just not love.

My boyfriend asked me to move into his house. I said yes, but when I told my parents, they asked us to sit down and talk to them.

Basically my parents want us to get married, but we want to live together first. They are okay with this, but have told us that if I move and it doesn't work out, I can't move home. This is it.

It all comes down to how much faith I have in my relationship. I am crazy about him and he feels the same about me. I know I want to move. I guess I just figured out my answer haha.
They're bluffing.  They want you to think that it's all or nothing, which is the right move for all parties involved.  You should be thinking that.  In the end, however, if you wound up out on your ass they'd happily let you back. 

Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.
Argument, the presentation of reasonable views, never makes headway against conviction, and conviction takes no part in argument because it knows.
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Re: The DTF Old As Mold Club 30&Over/A.K.A. Andy's Love Advice Forum
« Reply #1191 on: March 28, 2012, 09:19:37 AM »
Bart's got a point.

Offline Orbert

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Re: The DTF Old As Mold Club 30&Over/A.K.A. Andy's Love Advice Forum
« Reply #1192 on: March 28, 2012, 11:39:08 AM »
But they (the parents) also have a point.  Sure, parents love their kids, but there's no question that one goal is to finally get them out on their own.  This is a huge milestone, possibly the biggest of all.  Forget what age you can drive a car, or vote, or drink; when you move out of the house, you are an adult, an independent being.  You are taking care of yourself at that point.  Parents aren't just looking forward to the reduced financial obligations and having a bit more free time and space around the house, it signifies that they've finally done it, they've successfully launched their offspring.  To reach and pass that milestone, only to get a phonecall later saying "I need to move back home, it didn't work out" would completely suck.

So yeah, maybe they're bluffing, but what they're really doing is trying to get you to understand that this is not something to be taken lightly.  This is not just another thing you can try out, and if it doesn't work, hey no biggie.  It is a huge step forward, and you do not want to take such a step and then step back.  It completely diminishes the accomplishment, can and should be regarded as a failure, and makes it easier to do next time.  I moved out when I was 18.  When that particularly housing arrangement fell apart, I had no intention of moving back home; I found some other roommates and we found another place.  Then later another.  There were days I woke up hungry and went to bed hungry, even though I still had keys to a house with a well-stocked pantry and refrigerator just across town.  I was out, and I was doing it myself.

Life is about moving forward.  Yeah, there are setbacks, and I'm sure your parents will help you in some way if things get bad, but make sure you have it clear in your head how this is going to play out, and what you'll do if things don't work out the way you think.

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Re: The DTF Old As Mold Club 30&Over/A.K.A. Andy's Love Advice Forum
« Reply #1193 on: March 28, 2012, 11:42:51 AM »
Very true, but in the end, the door at home is always open, especially in the worst of times.

Offline Orbert

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Re: The DTF Old As Mold Club 30&Over/A.K.A. Andy's Love Advice Forum
« Reply #1194 on: March 28, 2012, 12:00:51 PM »
Well, it should be anyway.  I've known guys who swore that they honestly did not have the choice of going back home, and I didn't really question it.  My own situation was self-imposed, but yeah, if things got really bad, I'm sure they would've taken me back in.

Offline El Barto

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Re: The DTF Old As Mold Club 30&Over/A.K.A. Andy's Love Advice Forum
« Reply #1195 on: March 28, 2012, 12:21:25 PM »
Preaching to the choir. 
They're bluffing.  They want you to think that it's all or nothing, which is the right move for all parties involved.  You should be thinking that.  In the end, however, if you wound up out on your ass they'd happily let you back. 

Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.
Argument, the presentation of reasonable views, never makes headway against conviction, and conviction takes no part in argument because it knows.
E.F. Benson

Offline Tick

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Re: The DTF Old As Mold Club 30&Over/A.K.A. Andy's Love Advice Forum
« Reply #1196 on: March 28, 2012, 12:45:59 PM »
Very true, but in the end, the door at home is always open, especially in the worst of times.
Not always. Not everything is as simple as Black and White. Trust me, I grew up in the up most of dysfunctional homes. Not only have I experienced the door closed, but I've had my head  put through it as well.
Sad but true.
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Re: The DTF Old As Mold Club 30&Over/A.K.A. Andy's Love Advice Forum
« Reply #1197 on: March 28, 2012, 01:00:17 PM »
I meant in general of course.  There are many homes where that isn't an option I realize.

Offline Orbert

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Re: The DTF Old As Mold Club 30&Over/A.K.A. Andy's Love Advice Forum
« Reply #1198 on: March 28, 2012, 01:04:04 PM »
Yeah, that's kinda what I was getting at.  It should always be an option, but isn't always.

Offline Tick

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Re: The DTF Old As Mold Club 30&Over/A.K.A. Andy's Love Advice Forum
« Reply #1199 on: March 28, 2012, 03:38:22 PM »
Yeah, that's kinda what I was getting at.  It should always be an option, but isn't always.
Unfortunately.
The only way I suppress the scars from my youth is to take great joy in knowing my daughter has the childhood experience I wish I had. Its a good feeling to be able to provide a stable environment. Not perfect mind you, but that doesn't exist.
Yup. Tick is dead on.  She's not your type.  Move on.   Tick is Obi Wan Kenobi


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Re: The DTF Old As Mold Club 30&Over/A.K.A. Andy's Love Advice Forum
« Reply #1200 on: March 28, 2012, 03:44:34 PM »
It shows great character on your part to be able to break the hereditary cycle of abuse and be a loving father to your kid.

Offline obscure

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Re: The DTF Old As Mold Club 30&Over/A.K.A. Andy's Love Advice Forum
« Reply #1201 on: March 29, 2012, 04:32:12 AM »
absolutely!

:hug: Tick

Offline Hyperplex

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Re: The DTF Old As Mold Club 30&Over/A.K.A. Andy's Love Advice Forum
« Reply #1202 on: March 29, 2012, 07:23:15 AM »
It isn't anywhere near the same as breaking a cycle of abuse, but my father was/is a very odd individual, somewhat sociopathic in a way and neurotic on multiple levels. To my family, he was a wonderful provider and never hurt us physically, but psychologically he was and still is a source of strife, turmoil and verbal abuse. Speaking from my own experience, he wasn't a father figure to me unless it was convenient to himself. He would only keep me company and do things with me if it was something he wanted to do or had to do. For example, he wouldn't take me out anywhere unless it was the auto part store so he could buy something for his car. He never showed enthusiasm for things I did or received and was the first one to instill insecurity or embarrassment in me as a child. I also learned how NOT to treat my wife from witnessing how he treated my mother. It was an even worse experience for my older sister.

This type of realization didn't come to me until I became a father. I remember the first time I had to work late after Eric was born; he was still awake when I got home, and I walked into his room and he looked up at me and his entire body relaxed and he smiled, reaching up for me to hold him. At that moment, I realized he felt something I NEVER had; comfort and serenity at Dad's presence. My entire life, when my father got home or came upstairs, there was tension and almost fear that he would be angry or upset or just in a mood. Since that moment of realization, I've actually had a very difficult time digesting the nature of my relationship with my father, but it has also fueled me to be as good a father as I can be for Eric. I want Eric to feel comfortable and welcome around me as long as I live.

..../word vomit
"My melancholy wants to rest in the hiding places and abysses of perfection. This is why I need music." –Friedrich Nietzsche

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Re: The DTF Old As Mold Club 30&Over/A.K.A. Andy's Love Advice Forum
« Reply #1203 on: March 29, 2012, 11:46:02 AM »
Man when I hear what a lot of you went through I count my blessing how great my parrents were.  Very lucky.
I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.” - Bob Newhart
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Re: The DTF Old As Mold Club 30&Over/A.K.A. Andy's Love Advice Forum
« Reply #1204 on: March 29, 2012, 11:56:48 AM »
That was painful to read Hyper... feel your pain :(
but Thank God there's an upside to it... it helped you be the great father you are now....

Offline Hyperplex

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Re: The DTF Old As Mold Club 30&Over/A.K.A. Andy's Love Advice Forum
« Reply #1205 on: March 29, 2012, 12:10:42 PM »
I should add that my father was countered by my mom, with whom I am still extremely close. She is a very caring, compassionate person who wears her heart on her sleeve and is the first person to go out of her way to help anyone she cares about. She and I have always shared a great deal together and I think I've learned a lot of my parenting instincts from her. She was my source of comfort and security growing up, so I guess that makes me a Momma's Boy, but I am proud of that.

She left my father right after I married my wife, after 36 years of marriage. I don't know how she lasted that long, but I am glad she got out.
"My melancholy wants to rest in the hiding places and abysses of perfection. This is why I need music." –Friedrich Nietzsche

Offline Orbert

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Re: The DTF Old As Mold Club 30&Over/A.K.A. Andy's Love Advice Forum
« Reply #1206 on: March 29, 2012, 01:02:55 PM »
Both of my parents were examples of how to do things right, and how not to do things.  They countered each other quite well, actually.  My mom was literally the clichéd screaming old Chinese lady, pure psycho if she got mad enough, but she could be very loving and mushy and supportive.  My dad wasn't home a lot when I was growing up.  He travelled a lot for business, but this was the 70's.  He brought home the bacon; mom raised the kids.  When dad was home, he was never super warm and friendly, but his smile was genuine and his hugs were crushing.  There was never any doubt that he loved us, and it wasn't really his fault that he couldn't be there all the time.  The other side of that was that I never saw him lose his temper.  He was always calm and rational, as he had to be, especially if my mom was going crazy about something.  If he raised his voice, it was just "Hey!" to get our attention, then he would continue maybe at a somewhat elevated volume, but it wasn't like he was screaming and yelling at us.  He kept his composure.

So I try to draw from the best of both of them, and avoid the downsides, knowing that I'm half and half of each of them.  Sometimes I'll do something really stupid and think "Shit, that's just what my mom would've done" and sometimes I'll do something (IMO) pretty cool, and think that that's how my dad would've handled it.  Or vice versa.

Offline Hyperplex

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Re: The DTF Old As Mold Club 30&Over/A.K.A. Andy's Love Advice Forum
« Reply #1207 on: March 29, 2012, 01:28:08 PM »
Yeah I see elements of both of them in me, though thankfully I think I have more of my mom's disposition than my father's. There are definitely times when I look back in hindsight and realize how a piece of my father emerged in my actions and it disturbs me greatly, though I've been reassured several times that I am a very, VERY different person from my father, which is encouraging.
"My melancholy wants to rest in the hiding places and abysses of perfection. This is why I need music." –Friedrich Nietzsche

Offline Hyperplex

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Re: The DTF Old As Mold Club 30&Over/A.K.A. Andy's Love Advice Forum
« Reply #1208 on: March 30, 2012, 07:48:14 AM »
Now I'm in the club. *grabs his cane and starts shaking it threateningly at all the whippersnappers*
"My melancholy wants to rest in the hiding places and abysses of perfection. This is why I need music." –Friedrich Nietzsche

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Re: The DTF Old As Mold Club 30&Over/A.K.A. Andy's Love Advice Forum
« Reply #1209 on: March 30, 2012, 07:49:45 AM »
Well shit man, welcome.  Looks like someone needs a birthday thread....

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Re: The DTF Old As Mold Club 30&Over/A.K.A. Andy's Love Advice Forum
« Reply #1210 on: May 06, 2012, 05:34:30 PM »
So I am realizing two events this weekend that are making me feel older than dirt. First, my daughter has only four weeks left of high school.  Second, I recieved an invitation to my 25th high school reunion.  Fuck am I old. :tick:

Offline Hyperplex

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Re: The DTF Old As Mold Club 30&Over/A.K.A. Andy's Love Advice Forum
« Reply #1211 on: May 06, 2012, 05:47:16 PM »
We are all just as old as we are supposed to be. ;)
"My melancholy wants to rest in the hiding places and abysses of perfection. This is why I need music." –Friedrich Nietzsche

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Re: The DTF Old As Mold Club 30&Over/A.K.A. Andy's Love Advice Forum
« Reply #1212 on: May 06, 2012, 06:47:50 PM »
Thank you Zen Master Plex.

Offline Hyperplex

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Re: The DTF Old As Mold Club 30&Over/A.K.A. Andy's Love Advice Forum
« Reply #1213 on: May 06, 2012, 06:59:21 PM »
Hey, it's the way I think of it.
"My melancholy wants to rest in the hiding places and abysses of perfection. This is why I need music." –Friedrich Nietzsche

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Re: The DTF Old As Mold Club 30&Over/A.K.A. Andy's Love Advice Forum
« Reply #1214 on: May 06, 2012, 07:18:32 PM »
So I am realizing two events this weekend that are making me feel older than dirt. First, my daughter has only four weeks left of high school.  Second, I recieved an invitation to my 25th high school reunion.  Fuck am I old. :tick:

One nephew just had a baby girl a few months ago.  Time sure does fly.
I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.” - Bob Newhart
So wait, we're spelling it wrong and king is spelling it right? What is going on here? :lol -- BlobVanDam
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Re: The DTF Old As Mold Club 30&Over/A.K.A. Andy's Love Advice Forum
« Reply #1215 on: May 07, 2012, 12:47:49 AM »
Hey, it's the way I think of it.

Just wait till your little one is in cap and gown. Damn they grow so fast.

Offline hefdaddy42

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Re: The DTF Old As Mold Club 30&Over/A.K.A. Andy's Love Advice Forum
« Reply #1216 on: May 07, 2012, 04:33:13 AM »
Feeling especially old today, fellow fogeys.
Hef is right on all things. Except for when I disagree with him. In which case he's probably still right.

Offline wkiml

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Re: The DTF Old As Mold Club 30&Over/A.K.A. Andy's Love Advice Forum
« Reply #1217 on: May 07, 2012, 05:18:03 AM »
i'm with Lonestar on this one as well,  my oldest graduates high school next month and my graduating high school class is celebrating the 30 year reunion .

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Re: The DTF Old As Mold Club 30&Over/A.K.A. Andy's Love Advice Forum
« Reply #1218 on: May 07, 2012, 05:54:47 AM »
This thread makes me feel so young  :rollin :rollin :rollin











*runs*

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Re: The DTF Old As Mold Club 30&Over/A.K.A. Andy's Love Advice Forum
« Reply #1219 on: May 07, 2012, 06:06:08 AM »
Feeling especially old today, fellow fogeys.

Why's that?
That's a word salad - and take it from me, I know word salad
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Re: The DTF Old As Mold Club 30&Over/A.K.A. Andy's Love Advice Forum
« Reply #1220 on: May 07, 2012, 06:06:55 AM »
This thread makes me feel so young  :rollin :rollin :rollin











*runs*
YEAH, YOU BETTER RUN!!!! >:(





on second thought, just walk, I'll never catch you, I'm old. :tick2:





 :biggrin:
Yup. Tick is dead on.  She's not your type.  Move on.   Tick is Obi Wan Kenobi


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Re: The DTF Old As Mold Club 30&Over/A.K.A. Andy's Love Advice Forum
« Reply #1221 on: May 07, 2012, 06:17:57 AM »
bahahah  :lol



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Re: The DTF Old As Mold Club 30&Over/A.K.A. Andy's Love Advice Forum
« Reply #1222 on: May 07, 2012, 07:18:23 AM »
waiting for RJ to come and get mad at me



:seizure:

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Re: The DTF Old As Mold Club 30&Over/A.K.A. Andy's Love Advice Forum
« Reply #1223 on: May 07, 2012, 07:20:50 AM »
Oh hi fellow fogies. Any grey hairs lately?
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Re: The DTF Old As Mold Club 30&Over/A.K.A. Andy's Love Advice Forum
« Reply #1224 on: May 07, 2012, 07:39:55 AM »
shhh. now he's gonna tell us where.... one the biggest signs of becoming an old-fart  :lol