Author Topic: "Friend Zone" -- It's a noun and a verb  (Read 7257 times)

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Offline Jaffa

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Re: "Friend Zone" -- It's a noun and a verb
« Reply #70 on: September 22, 2014, 02:34:02 PM »
Can I ask a question of the females here, and get an HONEST answer?  Are you really telling us that you have NO IDEA how to tell if a guy is interested in you without an overt, verbal exclamation of interest?  I'm really finding that hard to believe, and contrary to a lot of human nature.  I am the farthest thing from a jealous person, but I'm dealing with something like this a little in a personal relationship.   I just find it hard to believe that it's so all or nothing.

I don't think anyone here is painting the picture quite like that.  Actually, I think that's an extremely narrow-minded way of looking at it.  What I would say instead is that every situation is different and it shouldn't be the woman's responsibility to figure everything out and bring it all out into the open. 

I actually dealt with this situation from the other side fairly recently.  This girl kept hinting that she was falling in love with me, and I kept hinting that I didn't feel the same way.  Now, I was pretty sure that she really did have some pretty strong feelings about me, so maybe I should have been clearer.  Maybe you could accuse me of teasing her or leading her along.  But the bottom line is, I felt I was being every bit as clear as she was.  She was only giving me hints, so I was only responding with hints.  Admittedly, I could have been clearer, but I didn't want to.  Why?  Because I legitimately valued my friendship with this girl, and I didn't want to make things any more awkward between us than they had to be.  What if I was wrong?  What if she only wanted to be friends after all, and it turned out her feelings were only my imagination?  Can you imagine how embarrassing that would be for me?

And for the record, that has happened to me, too.  I once told a girl that I only wanted to be friends, and that I hoped she could settle for that.  Turns out she had never thought of me as anything more than a friend in the first place, so when I brought this up, she thought it was creepy and weird, and stopped talking to me.  That situation isn't any fun, either, I assure you. 

Basically, my point is that its a two way street.  It's awkward for everyone involved.  It's not fair to pin all the responsibility on one side.  Even if a girl does suspect that a guy might be interested in her, that doesn't make it her job to initiate a potentially difficult conversation. 

Think of it this way: why should a woman have to make an overt, verbal declaration of lack of interest?
« Last Edit: September 22, 2014, 02:40:18 PM by Jaffa »
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Jaffa

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Re: "Friend Zone" -- It's a noun and a verb
« Reply #71 on: September 22, 2014, 03:18:33 PM »
Reading this thread makes it so much clearer why people don't communicate. :lol
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Offline Shadow Ninja 2.0

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Re: "Friend Zone" -- It's a noun and a verb
« Reply #72 on: September 22, 2014, 03:24:28 PM »
I agree with Jaffa (again).

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Re: "Friend Zone" -- It's a noun and a verb
« Reply #73 on: September 22, 2014, 03:47:45 PM »
Can I ask a question of the females here, and get an HONEST answer?  Are you really telling us that you have NO IDEA how to tell if a guy is interested in you without an overt, verbal exclamation of interest?  I'm really finding that hard to believe, and contrary to a lot of human nature.  I am the farthest thing from a jealous person, but I'm dealing with something like this a little in a personal relationship.   I just find it hard to believe that it's so all or nothing.

I don't think anyone here is painting the picture quite like that.  Actually, I think that's an extremely narrow-minded way of looking at it.  What I would say instead is that every situation is different and it shouldn't be the woman's responsibility to figure everything out and bring it all out into the open. 

Well, I was trying to be nice, and not call her on it, but Harmony said EXACTLY THAT.  EXACTLY.   And if I recall, I think I asked the LADIES.  Hahahahahahaha.

Quote
I actually dealt with this situation from the other side fairly recently.  This girl kept hinting that she was falling in love with me, and I kept hinting that I didn't feel the same way.  Now, I was pretty sure that she really did have some pretty strong feelings about me, so maybe I should have been clearer.  Maybe you could accuse me of teasing her or leading her along.  But the bottom line is, I felt I was being every bit as clear as she was.  She was only giving me hints, so I was only responding with hints.  Admittedly, I could have been clearer, but I didn't want to.  Why?  Because I legitimately valued my friendship with this girl, and I didn't want to make things any more awkward between us than they had to be.  What if I was wrong?  What if she only wanted to be friends after all, and it turned out her feelings were only my imagination?  Can you imagine how embarrassing that would be for me?

And for the record, that has happened to me, too.  I once told a girl that I only wanted to be friends, and that I hoped she could settle for that.  Turns out she had never thought of me as anything more than a friend in the first place, so when I brought this up, she thought it was creepy and weird, and stopped talking to me.  That situation isn't any fun, either, I assure you. 

Basically, my point is that its a two way street.  It's awkward for everyone involved.  It's not fair to pin all the responsibility on one side.  Even if a girl does suspect that a guy might be interested in her, that doesn't make it her job to initiate a potentially difficult conversation. 

Think of it this way: why should a woman have to make an overt, verbal declaration of lack of interest?

I'm with you 100%, and I'm not one for hints in my personal relationships; people know what I'm about one way or the other if I'm interested.  I wasn't always like that, but I've learned that if someone is going to walk away from someone else for sharing their feelings, it wasn't likely a relationship that was going to endure.

I was, again, responding to some very specific posts. 

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Re: "Friend Zone" -- It's a noun and a verb
« Reply #74 on: September 22, 2014, 03:58:58 PM »
I feel that people over analyze relationships.  You'll never know if you don't ask and the worst is that he or she says no.  If there is a rude comment, you'd never want to see a person like that.

Now in relationships it's better to find out this stuff so you can get on with your life or are you both ok where the relationship is.

It's just easier for most to not say anything at all.
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Offline Harmony

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Re: "Friend Zone" -- It's a noun and a verb
« Reply #75 on: September 22, 2014, 04:07:35 PM »
Can I ask a question of the females here, and get an HONEST answer?  Are you really telling us that you have NO IDEA how to tell if a guy is interested in you without an overt, verbal exclamation of interest?  I'm really finding that hard to believe, and contrary to a lot of human nature.  I am the farthest thing from a jealous person, but I'm dealing with something like this a little in a personal relationship.   I just find it hard to believe that it's so all or nothing.

I don't think anyone here is painting the picture quite like that.  Actually, I think that's an extremely narrow-minded way of looking at it.  What I would say instead is that every situation is different and it shouldn't be the woman's responsibility to figure everything out and bring it all out into the open. 

Well, I was trying to be nice, and not call her on it, but Harmony said EXACTLY THAT.  EXACTLY.

Well, not really.  I said this at the start of my post: 
I think maturity level and experience come into play here too.

I then went on to share a story of a relationship I had in high school.  With experience comes knowledge and hindsight.

I agree with Jaffa, every situation is different and not everyone can a) read signals perfectly or b) send signals perfectly.
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Offline Jaffa

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Re: "Friend Zone" -- It's a noun and a verb
« Reply #76 on: September 22, 2014, 04:14:41 PM »
Can I ask a question of the females here, and get an HONEST answer?  Are you really telling us that you have NO IDEA how to tell if a guy is interested in you without an overt, verbal exclamation of interest?  I'm really finding that hard to believe, and contrary to a lot of human nature.  I am the farthest thing from a jealous person, but I'm dealing with something like this a little in a personal relationship.   I just find it hard to believe that it's so all or nothing.

I don't think anyone here is painting the picture quite like that.  Actually, I think that's an extremely narrow-minded way of looking at it.  What I would say instead is that every situation is different and it shouldn't be the woman's responsibility to figure everything out and bring it all out into the open. 

Well, I was trying to be nice, and not call her on it, but Harmony said EXACTLY THAT.  EXACTLY.

Not really.  I went back and read her post, and it seems to me that she was talking about one specific situation.  You replied as if someone was making a generalized statement, which she wasn't.

At least, that's how you came across to me.  I apologize if that wasn't your intent. 

Either way, I think it's worth repeating that every situation is different.  Sometimes you can't tell how somebody else feels about you. 

EDIT: Ninja'd.  Oh well. 
Sincerely,
Jaffa

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Re: "Friend Zone" -- It's a noun and a verb
« Reply #77 on: September 23, 2014, 07:46:05 AM »
Well I apologize for such a poorly worded question.   Didn't mean to offend.   

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Re: "Friend Zone" -- It's a noun and a verb
« Reply #78 on: September 23, 2014, 08:01:17 AM »
Well I apologize for such a poorly worded question.   Didn't mean to offend.

You worded your question just fine.

Offline Harmony

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Re: "Friend Zone" -- It's a noun and a verb
« Reply #79 on: September 23, 2014, 11:42:04 PM »
Who is offended?   :huh:
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Re: "Friend Zone" -- It's a noun and a verb
« Reply #80 on: September 24, 2014, 11:44:50 AM »
Perhaps "offended" isn't the technically correct word, but apparently I at least offended the sensibilities of you and Jaffa.  It was a simple question.   

Offline Harmony

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Re: "Friend Zone" -- It's a noun and a verb
« Reply #81 on: September 24, 2014, 12:19:26 PM »
I'm not offended.  It didn't really feel good to have something I posted completely misunderstood, singled out, held up to be laughed at, and then completely misrepresented.  But those things happen on the internet.

To answer your question - again - based on my experience with my friend back in high school, I have learned to be better at communicating my interest or lack thereof.  But back when I had little experience, no I couldn't tell he was interested in me that way.  Like I said, he was like a brother to me.  Perhaps I was naive.  Perhaps he wasn't clear in his intentions.  Whatever happened, the overt cues were either not there or missed or a combination of both things.

Like I said before, some people aren't good at reading cues and some people aren't good at giving them.  And it can definitely be a problem when BOTH people are being less than clear with their intentions.

And we were both teenagers at the time.  I don't know if you have any contact with teenagers, but miscues and miscommunications tend to be rampant in that age group, you know?

Does that help?
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Offline Jaffa

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Re: "Friend Zone" -- It's a noun and a verb
« Reply #82 on: September 24, 2014, 08:01:28 PM »
Perhaps "offended" isn't the technically correct word, but apparently I at least offended the sensibilities of you and Jaffa.  It was a simple question.

No offense taken on my part.  I'm not sure you and I are quite on the same page on this issue, but that's cool.  I certainly didn't mean to attack you or anything, s, sorry if it came across that way. 
Sincerely,
Jaffa

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Re: "Friend Zone" -- It's a noun and a verb
« Reply #83 on: September 24, 2014, 08:12:05 PM »
I'm not offended.  It didn't really feel good to have something I posted completely misunderstood, singled out, held up to be laughed at, and then completely misrepresented.  But those things happen on the internet.

To answer your question - again - based on my experience with my friend back in high school, I have learned to be better at communicating my interest or lack thereof.  But back when I had little experience, no I couldn't tell he was interested in me that way.  Like I said, he was like a brother to me.  Perhaps I was naive.  Perhaps he wasn't clear in his intentions.  Whatever happened, the overt cues were either not there or missed or a combination of both things.

Like I said before, some people aren't good at reading cues and some people aren't good at giving them.  And it can definitely be a problem when BOTH people are being less than clear with their intentions.

And we were both teenagers at the time.  I don't know if you have any contact with teenagers, but miscues and miscommunications tend to be rampant in that age group, you know?

Does that help?

Let's not beat a dead horse, but while I acknowledge the poor wording, and I'll fall on my sword with "misunderstood" and "singled out", it was NEVER my intention to laugh at you.  It really was an honest question, because it is actually something I am witnessing now, today, and the parties are not teenagers. 

Your response does help, and if I may, when you look back knowing there WERE feelings, is it a case of just there weren't the signs you would expect if there was interest, or was it more of a case of "oh, he bought be coffee.  He is considerate" as opposed to "oh, he bought me coffee.  He must like me"?    I'm watching and in the instance I am seeing, it seems to be a combination of both, honestly, and it depends a fair amount on how one is prone to interpret things.   

Anyway, thanks for hanging in there with me.  :) 

Offline Harmony

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Re: "Friend Zone" -- It's a noun and a verb
« Reply #84 on: September 25, 2014, 10:52:46 AM »
Your response does help, and if I may, when you look back knowing there WERE feelings, is it a case of just there weren't the signs you would expect if there was interest, or was it more of a case of "oh, he bought be coffee.  He is considerate" as opposed to "oh, he bought me coffee.  He must like me"?    I'm watching and in the instance I am seeing, it seems to be a combination of both, honestly, and it depends a fair amount on how one is prone to interpret things.

It is hard to say because we had spent a lot of time together - years - and there were deep feelings of love and affection in a non-romantic way.  At least for me.  I think somewhere along the line things changed for him and he didn't tell me that.  So I went on operating under the impression that we were one way, platonic and in the friend zone, and he wanted more which I didn't realize.  So I guess there weren't signs I would've expected or because I was in the friend zone, or I just completely missed them.  I know there were never any overt declarations of romantic feelings or love.  And even among our mutual friends, no one ever took me aside and said, "Hey, you do realize that Joe is in love with you, right?"

Anyway, not knowing your particular situation and in the understanding that every person looks at these situations from their own unique perspective, I don't know what else to tell you.  Your partner is an adult, so that entails them to be treated with respect for the choices they make in their relationships - both romantic and platonic.  Either you trust their judgement about others or you don't.  Either you trust they will be faithful to you - if monogomy is your goal - or you don't.
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