Author Topic: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip  (Read 79465 times)

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Offline Stadler

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3080 on: June 08, 2017, 08:24:43 AM »
Random thoughts about my romantic endeavors: Sitting here a little buzzed, I'm just thinking about how shitty it is to have social anxiety when you want to meet new people (mainly for romantic reasons). I have no idea how to talk to people and I drive girls away before I can show how nice, down to earth, and real I am. If women could just get past the initial awkwardness that comes with social anxiety, I could show them how good to them I would be, and then maybe I wouldn't be stuck being alone anymore. Because as much as I'm an introvert and a loner, I really miss falling asleep next to somebody.

I get it (I have a similar story to tell as Prog Snob) but I have to say, "social anxiety" can only be part of it.  Where are you looking to meet them?  HOW are you looking to meet them?   Do you have ANYTHING that is a "comfort zone" to lead with?   There's also the notion that "it only takes one".   

Online TheCountOfNYC

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3081 on: June 08, 2017, 06:15:16 PM »
Random thoughts about my romantic endeavors: Sitting here a little buzzed, I'm just thinking about how shitty it is to have social anxiety when you want to meet new people (mainly for romantic reasons). I have no idea how to talk to people and I drive girls away before I can show how nice, down to earth, and real I am. If women could just get past the initial awkwardness that comes with social anxiety, I could show them how good to them I would be, and then maybe I wouldn't be stuck being alone anymore. Because as much as I'm an introvert and a loner, I really miss falling asleep next to somebody.

I get it (I have a similar story to tell as Prog Snob) but I have to say, "social anxiety" can only be part of it.  Where are you looking to meet them?  HOW are you looking to meet them?   Do you have ANYTHING that is a "comfort zone" to lead with?   There's also the notion that "it only takes one".

The only thing that I feel comfortable talking about is music. There really is no comfort zone because I'm extremely awkward in person and meeting people online is so impersonal that it's hard to show people who I am as a person. I also have regular anxiety as well as depression which makes things even worse.

Offline Adami

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3082 on: June 08, 2017, 06:18:19 PM »
I'm going to suggest working on your anxiety then (I say this as a person who works at an anxiety clinic). It's helpful for you, and it increases your chances of meeting people. It's not super helpful to be upset when someone isn't willing to put in a good amount of extra work for someone they don't know.
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Offline Stadler

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3083 on: June 09, 2017, 08:30:52 AM »
Can I offer something else as well, that happened to work for me?

Try not to make every conversation about "meeting my true love and expressing every nuance of my being so she knows the real me!".  That's too much pressure.    I was traveling a lot for a while and I was in a marriage that was shitting the bed pretty quickly, so I found myself in bars often.   I made it a point to talk to ONE PERSON - male or female, didn't matter - I didn't know each time, even if it is just pointing to the TV and saying "can you believe that shit?" or asking the person "what beer is that?  It looks good" (obviously not if the person is drinking a Coors Light out of a bottle or something obvious).   

Unless you're harboring something - like lace panties under your jeans, or bodies neatly dressed and labeled in your freezer - they'll unpeel the onion in due course.   If you shoot your wad (FIGURATIVELY!  I meant that FIGURATIVELY!) in the first five minutes, what more do they have to find out about you (that is good anyway)?   

Offline NunoTenniscourt

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3084 on: June 12, 2017, 01:26:37 AM »
Random thoughts about my romantic endeavors: Sitting here a little buzzed, I'm just thinking about how shitty it is to have social anxiety when you want to meet new people (mainly for romantic reasons). I have no idea how to talk to people and I drive girls away before I can show how nice, down to earth, and real I am. If women could just get past the initial awkwardness that comes with social anxiety, I could show them how good to them I would be, and then maybe I wouldn't be stuck being alone anymore. Because as much as I'm an introvert and a loner, I really miss falling asleep next to somebody.

There are many people out there who think of themselves as a good person with great qualities that make them deserving of having someone in their lives, but the reality is, attraction doesn't care about "deserves". You've described yourself as "nice, down to earth, and real". That's all fine and good, but you need to be fun or perceived as such. You're going to get what you go out there and take.

I can't profess to knowing step-by-step how one breaks out of their shyness shell, but for me personally, it took getting the shit kicked out of me in other aspects of life to reach a point of just not giving a shit anymore. As tragic as that may sound, it's an empowering place to be, although I wish it could have been sooner and through a different method.

However, once you do shed shyness and being overly self-conscious, learn to dance. I know a lot of guys think they're too cool for it, but where do you generally find the women in clubs and bars? On the dance floor. You don't need to be the second coming of Michael Jackson, either. Hell, you can get by just swaying back and forth and some very basic moves. If you get a woman's attention on the dance floor, most of your work is done.   

 

Offline Prog Snob

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3085 on: June 12, 2017, 05:29:38 AM »
It's mentally consuming being in love with someone you can't be with.

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3086 on: June 12, 2017, 07:32:56 AM »
Yep, I'm battling through that same thing myself. The worst part is it's a coworker so it's not like I can avoid it throughout the week. It's definitely affecting me on a day to day basis and I'm really starting to worry about myself. I'm wondering if there's a bounce back point or do I just think "damn, I guess I need some help" as I've typically ridden these things out in the past.

Offline Dublagent66

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3087 on: June 12, 2017, 10:34:34 AM »
Tell me about it.  The love of my life died a year ago.  You have no idea...
Everything that CAN go wrong, WILL go wrong ...and if nothing has gone wrong...you obviously DON'T UNDERSTAND the situation.

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Offline Prog Snob

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3088 on: June 12, 2017, 12:35:49 PM »
Yep, I'm battling through that same thing myself. The worst part is it's a coworker so it's not like I can avoid it throughout the week. It's definitely affecting me on a day to day basis and I'm really starting to worry about myself. I'm wondering if there's a bounce back point or do I just think "damn, I guess I need some help" as I've typically ridden these things out in the past.

If you don't mind me asking, what's stopping anything from happening?

Tell me about it.  The love of my life died a year ago.  You have no idea...

I don't. I'm exceedingly empathic but something like that is kind of unchartered ground for me. I lost a friend years ago. She died of a cocaine overdose. People see cocaine addicts as this specific type. They get generalized in movies and television as these low-life degenerates who bring down everyone around them along with themselves. My friend was nothing like that. She was one of the kindest and most thoughtful people I ever knew. It's just that she had this addiction issue. She never burdened others or did anything to have it affect others around her other than the concern people had for her. Even then, only a few people knew about it. She was private. I tried so hard to help her and you can't imagine how it affected me when I was the last person that spoke to her just hours before she died. I can't even talk about without crying. I wasn't in love with her so I'm sure it would have been a hundred times as painful if she was the love of my life.

Offline NunoTenniscourt

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3089 on: June 12, 2017, 01:10:56 PM »
Tell me about it.  The love of my life died a year ago.  You have no idea...

Fuck. I'm sorry to hear that.

I'm in the same boat. She died three days after Carrie Fisher did. We weren't together anymore, but she was the only woman I have ever been "in love" with. I'd venture to say you probably hear the "time heals all wounds" adage from just about everyone. Of course, we know they mean well, but I will never see the day I find peace in or acceptance in her being gone.

Online orcus116

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3090 on: June 12, 2017, 02:57:39 PM »
Yep, I'm battling through that same thing myself. The worst part is it's a coworker so it's not like I can avoid it throughout the week. It's definitely affecting me on a day to day basis and I'm really starting to worry about myself. I'm wondering if there's a bounce back point or do I just think "damn, I guess I need some help" as I've typically ridden these things out in the past.

If you don't mind me asking, what's stopping anything from happening?

We get along really well and usually end up talking for awhile but I've come to realize that even if she was single I'm not the kind of guy she'd look to date. Nothing we've ever brought up but there's enough pieces there that set off the "not even worth the effort" trigger though unfortunately I'm completely smitten which is what I need to break out of.

Offline Prog Snob

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3091 on: June 13, 2017, 05:55:59 AM »
Yep, I'm battling through that same thing myself. The worst part is it's a coworker so it's not like I can avoid it throughout the week. It's definitely affecting me on a day to day basis and I'm really starting to worry about myself. I'm wondering if there's a bounce back point or do I just think "damn, I guess I need some help" as I've typically ridden these things out in the past.

If you don't mind me asking, what's stopping anything from happening?

We get along really well and usually end up talking for awhile but I've come to realize that even if she was single I'm not the kind of guy she'd look to date. Nothing we've ever brought up but there's enough pieces there that set off the "not even worth the effort" trigger though unfortunately I'm completely smitten which is what I need to break out of.

Why don't you give it a shot? Something seemingly innocent like going to lunch together could be revealing.

Offline Stadler

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3092 on: June 13, 2017, 07:04:14 AM »
Yep, I'm battling through that same thing myself. The worst part is it's a coworker so it's not like I can avoid it throughout the week. It's definitely affecting me on a day to day basis and I'm really starting to worry about myself. I'm wondering if there's a bounce back point or do I just think "damn, I guess I need some help" as I've typically ridden these things out in the past.

If you don't mind me asking, what's stopping anything from happening?

We get along really well and usually end up talking for awhile but I've come to realize that even if she was single I'm not the kind of guy she'd look to date. Nothing we've ever brought up but there's enough pieces there that set off the "not even worth the effort" trigger though unfortunately I'm completely smitten which is what I need to break out of.

Yeah, that's bad advise right there.  I have a flight this afternoon, and I can spend from now until liftoff telling you about people in my life that have had long and productive relationships together, and were, on paper, "not the people they'd date".  You could probably put both of my wives in that category (for very different reasons).   That's not really your call anyway.  Let her decide what and who she wants to date.   It may not end perfectly, but I can tell you this:   it DEFINITELY won't happen if it never even happens to begin with. 

Offline Dublagent66

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3093 on: June 13, 2017, 02:38:46 PM »
Tell me about it.  The love of my life died a year ago.  You have no idea...

Fuck. I'm sorry to hear that.

I'm in the same boat. She died three days after Carrie Fisher did. We weren't together anymore, but she was the only woman I have ever been "in love" with. I'd venture to say you probably hear the "time heals all wounds" adage from just about everyone. Of course, we know they mean well, but I will never see the day I find peace in or acceptance in her being gone.

Sorry to hear about that.  I hope you can heal somehow.  I can't imagine finding any peace either.  In my situation, it took me 45 years to find her.  2 years into our relationship she got sick and was gone 3 years later.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm grateful for those 5 years we had together.  I try to count my blessings but would give up everything to have her back.  Rhetorically speaking, how do you move on from that?  How do you carry that much baggage around trying to find a potential new relationship without scaring them away?  Trying to explain what happened in my past relationship.  It's a nightmare of existence.  She was cheated out of the rest of her life and I was cheated out of spending the rest of my life with the only woman I ever loved.  To me, she was once in a lifetime.  That doesn't come around twice.  Not giving up.  Trying to get back out there.  Not easy.
Everything that CAN go wrong, WILL go wrong ...and if nothing has gone wrong...you obviously DON'T UNDERSTAND the situation.

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3094 on: June 16, 2017, 12:02:07 AM »
*hugs Dublagent and Nuno*

Orcus - Stadler and the Snob are right. You never know that you're actually "not her type" until you find that out for sure. I agree with Snob's lunch idea too - good gauge to see if things are going to be static or if there's more there than meets the eye.

As for me, well.. I'm still talking to the guy I mentioned a couple months ago, and in late August we will have known each other for a full year. I'm extremely happy, we're very much alike, and we make each other laugh constantly. It's not perfect but.. what is? I'm grateful that I've met and connected with him. He is a truly great person.

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3095 on: September 04, 2017, 03:50:33 AM »
A quarter to six in the morning and loneliness just hit me like a ton of bricks. I was watching the Prank vs Prank people explain why they broke up and it just brought back so many feelings that I thought I had gotten rid of but instead had just suppressed. As introverted and antisocial as I am, I truly miss having someone to sleep next to at night. I guess I was stupid to think that ten months was enough time to get over an almost eight year relationship. As much as she hurt me, as much as she betrayed my trust and loyalty, as much as she did everything in her power to make me hate her, part of me still loves her. Part of me still wants her back. And to be honest, I don't think that will every fully go away.

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3096 on: October 18, 2017, 11:58:57 PM »
Interesting turn of events tonight: I was out with my ex and her best friend. Her best friend ended up disappearing for a little bit to go bump uglies with some guy so it was just me and my ex. We ended up talking about how great our relationship used to be and how we miss each other. Also, she is now in an open relationship. She asked if I wanted to sleep with her and I declined the offer. This is the second time this question has come up since her relationship became non-exclusive and itís the second time Iíve said no. The reason I said no is because I worked so hard over this past year to get over her and I donít want to undo all of that. Sheís like a siren: a seductress who lures men into her trap and Iím lucky to have escaped. At the same time, itís beem over a year since Iíve been with anyone in an intimate way. I truly believe that Iím over being in love with her, but Iím afraid to risk that for one night of fun, even if I know it will be good. And the saga continues...

Offline sylvan

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3097 on: October 19, 2017, 06:37:30 AM »
I truly believe that Iím over being in love with her, but Iím afraid to risk that for one night of fun, even if I know it will be good. And the saga continues...

Dude... good for you! You totally made the right decision IMO. It's not "casual" in this case. Sex is finite, while you having to live with yourself and whatever your heart/head get out of this is not. If it took you a year to get yourself emotionally here, you certainly won't walk away thinking to yourself, "That was fun... does anyplace serve chicken and waffles at this time of night?" I'm inclined to think she's a real asshole here. Is she really that oblivious to the reality of your joint situation? She found herself an open relationship and now she wants to casually sleep with an ex without understanding what impact she has emotionally on someone that she was supposedly close to... somebody sounds a little selfish  :tdwn

Offline Stadler

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3098 on: October 19, 2017, 07:49:28 AM »
I truly believe that Iím over being in love with her, but Iím afraid to risk that for one night of fun, even if I know it will be good. And the saga continues...

Dude... good for you! You totally made the right decision IMO. It's not "casual" in this case. Sex is finite, while you having to live with yourself and whatever your heart/head get out of this is not. If it took you a year to get yourself emotionally here, you certainly won't walk away thinking to yourself, "That was fun... does anyplace serve chicken and waffles at this time of night?" I'm inclined to think she's a real asshole here. Is she really that oblivious to the reality of your joint situation? She found herself an open relationship and now she wants to casually sleep with an ex without understanding what impact she has emotionally on someone that she was supposedly close to... somebody sounds a little selfish  :tdwn

I don't know any of you (you, the ex, the "other guy") but I'm seeing a ton of red flags here.   Selfish, asshole, whatever word you want to use, there is nothing "casual" about this in my opinion, and no good can come of it, I don't care how hot she is or how good in the sack she might be.   If you're willing to step into a "one night of fun" scenario, then find someone out of your circle.  I'm not suggesting this, because it's too close and also fraught with peril, but you're even better off with the friend than with her. 

Offline Phoenix87x

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3099 on: October 19, 2017, 02:22:44 PM »
Interesting turn of events tonight: I was out with my ex and her best friend. Her best friend ended up disappearing for a little bit to go bump uglies with some guy so it was just me and my ex. We ended up talking about how great our relationship used to be and how we miss each other. Also, she is now in an open relationship. She asked if I wanted to sleep with her and I declined the offer. This is the second time this question has come up since her relationship became non-exclusive and itís the second time Iíve said no. The reason I said no is because I worked so hard over this past year to get over her and I donít want to undo all of that. Sheís like a siren: a seductress who lures men into her trap and Iím lucky to have escaped. At the same time, itís beem over a year since Iíve been with anyone in an intimate way. I truly believe that Iím over being in love with her, but Iím afraid to risk that for one night of fun, even if I know it will be good. And the saga continues...

Smart move.

I honestly don't know if even I could have resisted that, which is why I can't stay friends with exes. Its extremely painful getting over them and takes a long time. Being friends just constantly reminds me of the past, when really I just want and need to move on. Out of sight out of mind makes it much easier for me.
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Offline Lynxo

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3100 on: Today at 04:29:18 AM »
Interesting turn of events tonight: I was out with my ex and her best friend. Her best friend ended up disappearing for a little bit to go bump uglies with some guy so it was just me and my ex. We ended up talking about how great our relationship used to be and how we miss each other. Also, she is now in an open relationship. She asked if I wanted to sleep with her and I declined the offer. This is the second time this question has come up since her relationship became non-exclusive and itís the second time Iíve said no. The reason I said no is because I worked so hard over this past year to get over her and I donít want to undo all of that. Sheís like a siren: a seductress who lures men into her trap and Iím lucky to have escaped. At the same time, itís beem over a year since Iíve been with anyone in an intimate way. I truly believe that Iím over being in love with her, but Iím afraid to risk that for one night of fun, even if I know it will be good. And the saga continues...

Smart move.

I honestly don't know if even I could have resisted that, which is why I can't stay friends with exes. Its extremely painful getting over them and takes a long time. Being friends just constantly reminds me of the past, when really I just want and need to move on. Out of sight out of mind makes it much easier for me.
Same here - no contact whatsoever with any of my exes. In the beginning to try and move on and not reopen wounds. But after that, it just seems kind of...unneccessary to try and reestablish any kind of friendsship.
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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3101 on: Today at 06:41:00 AM »
If you live in a small town it must be a nightmare trying to avoid exes. I'm lucky in that after I got dumped a few years ago my ex moved to the other side of the world

Offline Phoenix87x

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3102 on: Today at 07:20:07 AM »
If you live in a small town it must be a nightmare trying to avoid exes. I'm lucky in that after I got dumped a few years ago my ex moved to the other side of the world

My ex fiance works in the exact same field as I do. A very small field where everyone knows everyone. We met in graduate school and there's only so many hospitals in the area, so I absolutely dread the idea of us ending up at the same workplace at some point over my career.

I learned a long time ago not to get involved with someone at work, but dumb me wasn't thinking about that when I met her in school. It never dawned on me that we were going into the exact same field. But then again, at the time I thought the relationship would last forever. I was wrong and regret not having more realistic expectations. 
« Last Edit: Today at 07:43:01 AM by Phoenix87x »
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Offline Stadler

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3103 on: Today at 07:25:22 AM »
As they say in my neck of the woods:  "Don't shit where you eat."   

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3104 on: Today at 07:29:10 AM »
As they say in my neck of the woods:  "Don't shit where you eat."

Yeah but the snack bar is next to the shitter.
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Offline Adami

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3105 on: Today at 09:31:36 AM »
Weird stuff. I actually talked to my ex-fiance on the phone for the first time in 7 years for like 3+ hours.

It was depressing most of the time since she has become SEVERELY mentally ill. We reminisced a lot too, which was nice, but then things got pretty uncomfy.

She talked about how she was so in love with me, and was even still in love with me when she started dating her current husband, before going into a whole thing about how miserable she is in her marriage and how trapped she feels.

Oy vay.
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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #3106 on: Today at 10:33:10 AM »
That's why it's always best to cut the cord and move on with your like.  You can only get hurt from hanging on to an ex as a friend.
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