Author Topic: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip  (Read 279383 times)

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Online cramx3

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #420 on: May 19, 2015, 05:38:58 AM »
Prog, your situation is very complicated so I am not entirely sure I have words that can help you.  Are you going through with a divorce with your x wife?  Can she legally take your daughter away?  I have no idea how that all works, but if you are getting divorced, then I dont see how your visiting rights with your daughter can be taken away just cause you are seeing someone else now.

As for my story, oh well.  I get it, I am not ready and she seemed cool with the fact that I am not even though it means we are off because of it.  She didn't get mad at me or anything, just agreed we both have different needs/wants right now.  It just sucks cause that was the first girl I really liked and my own insecurities let her slip away it seems.  She texted me after I fell asleep saying we should still be friends. 

Offline jonnybaxy

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #421 on: May 19, 2015, 05:40:56 AM »
My current situation;

Over the last few days I started speaking to my most recent ex, not always a wise move but whatever, we started to get along again, she then says she would just like to remain as friends with a guarantee that nothing will happen between us again, but I still like her, yeah, I miss her.

So I just go all out and say that basically I feel the opposite and that was the reason that I messaged her again, because I miss her. She tells me she doesn't feel the same, she doesn't want to hurt me again.

I ask whether she doesn't want to because she doesn't want to hurt me or because she didn't like me anymore, she basically says that she didn't feel the same and it would end up with me getting hurt.

(At this point I'm having what can only be described as an emotional stroke) So then i'm just being pathetic asking what I have done to make her lose her feelings, she says I've done nothing. I don't quite understand how there can be no reason to someone not liking someone anymore.

I then go full cringe

Her "you'll find someone"
Me " that's the problem, I already did"
Her "night Jonny"

So I message her this morning apologising for last night, I know I cant make her like me, but she dismissed me saying that even if she did she wouldn't go ahead with it.


I just don't understand, My heads fucked up and well except from when I was with her it has been fucked up for a good 2 years.

I don't know why I care so much, I just end up getting fucked over.

I realise it was probably a mistake posting this, but meh, I've fucked up so much recently, how much worse could I do?


Offline Prog Snob

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #422 on: May 19, 2015, 05:45:19 AM »
Prog, your situation is very complicated so I am not entirely sure I have words that can help you.  Are you going through with a divorce with your x wife?  Can she legally take your daughter away?  I have no idea how that all works, but if you are getting divorced, then I dont see how your visiting rights with your daughter can be taken away just cause you are seeing someone else now.

As for my story, oh well.  I get it, I am not ready and she seemed cool with the fact that I am not even though it means we are off because of it.  She didn't get mad at me or anything, just agreed we both have different needs/wants right now.  It just sucks cause that was the first girl I really liked and my own insecurities let her slip away it seems.  She texted me after I fell asleep saying we should still be friends.

My ex is calling the divorce lawyer today. She is going to use against me the fact that I'm seeing two therapists and make it seem like I'm not mentally capable of taking care of my daughter. My ex is being spiteful because she does not like this new girl. I don't know what my rights are legally as far as this goes. 

Do you still want to be friends with this girl?

Online cramx3

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #423 on: May 19, 2015, 06:00:27 AM »
Man that sucks, best of luck with everything is really all I can say.

And no I dont really want to just be friends.  I just want to move on if she doesn't want to take her time with me.

Offline Prog Snob

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #424 on: May 19, 2015, 06:01:48 AM »
I can't blame you really. It's like a slap in the face really.

Offline Phoenix87x

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #425 on: May 19, 2015, 06:11:46 AM »
Vindictiveness and spitefulness is probably the biggest turnoff that I can think of.

It makes it impossible to trust that person and thus you have to be paranoid about revealing vulnerabilities, which I personally have many of. A lot which can be used against me if the shit hits the fan. So, any sign of manipulativeness or vindictiveness, then I'm done.

Sadly, it sometimes reveals itself later down the line.

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #426 on: May 19, 2015, 06:19:20 AM »
The spitefulness definitely comes out during a break up.  My x used that against me too, but being that we weren't married it didnt get used in the court system so it wasn't that bad comparatively.  That spitefulness is a reason why I can't even be friendly with my x though, cause like Phoenix said, its a huge turn off and a bad sign of character. 

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #427 on: May 19, 2015, 06:21:49 AM »
John, do what you have to do for now to get rights for your daughter.  If that means no chicks right now it's the right thing.  It's obvious the ex will do anything to screw you out of parental rights.  Once it's done then you can get on with your life.  Make your daughter your #1 priority right now.  You already have a lot on your plate.
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Offline Prog Snob

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #428 on: May 19, 2015, 06:40:43 AM »
John, do what you have to do for now to get rights for your daughter.  If that means no chicks right now it's the right thing.  It's obvious the ex will do anything to screw you out of parental rights.  Once it's done then you can get on with your life.  Make your daughter your #1 priority right now.  You already have a lot on your plate.

I have a second child on the way. They both have to be my priority. I can't just completely abandon the unborn child.

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #429 on: May 19, 2015, 06:50:11 AM »
OHHHH!!!  I DIDN'T READ THAT!

Yup.  You do.  Stay out of the ex's line of fire.  Don't give here any ammo.  I see the smile on your face when you post pics of you and your daughter.  So do the right thing and don't let the negativity of the ex bring you down.  You've got a little smile and one on the way to be your light moving forward.
I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.” - Bob Newhart
So wait, we're spelling it wrong and king is spelling it right? What is going on here? :lol -- BlobVanDam
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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #430 on: May 19, 2015, 06:53:16 AM »
Can you get your therapists to formally decalre in writing that you are a fit father?

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #431 on: May 19, 2015, 06:55:42 AM »
OHHHH!!!  I DIDN'T READ THAT!

Yup.  You do.  Stay out of the ex's line of fire.  Don't give here any ammo.  I see the smile on your face when you post pics of you and your daughter.  So do the right thing and don't let the negativity of the ex bring you down.  You've got a little smile and one on the way to be your light moving forward.

That's what I'm trying to do. It's taking some time but soon I'll reach the light at the end of the tunnel.


Can you get your therapists to formally decalre in writing that you are a fit father?

I was thinking of doing that.  I have to call her and make my next appointment so maybe I'll see if she can help with that.

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #432 on: May 19, 2015, 08:02:58 AM »
My current situation;

Over the last few days I started speaking to my most recent ex, not always a wise move but whatever, we started to get along again, she then says she would just like to remain as friends with a guarantee that nothing will happen between us again, but I still like her, yeah, I miss her.

So I just go all out and say that basically I feel the opposite and that was the reason that I messaged her again, because I miss her. She tells me she doesn't feel the same, she doesn't want to hurt me again.

I ask whether she doesn't want to because she doesn't want to hurt me or because she didn't like me anymore, she basically says that she didn't feel the same and it would end up with me getting hurt.

(At this point I'm having what can only be described as an emotional stroke) So then i'm just being pathetic asking what I have done to make her lose her feelings, she says I've done nothing. I don't quite understand how there can be no reason to someone not liking someone anymore.

I then go full cringe

Her "you'll find someone"
Me " that's the problem, I already did"
Her "night Jonny"

So I message her this morning apologising for last night, I know I cant make her like me, but she dismissed me saying that even if she did she wouldn't go ahead with it.


I just don't understand, My heads fucked up and well except from when I was with her it has been fucked up for a good 2 years.

I don't know why I care so much, I just end up getting fucked over.

I realise it was probably a mistake posting this, but meh, I've fucked up so much recently, how much worse could I do?

I read your post and was sort of indifferent to it until one line.

If I'm being a dick, I apol... no, actually, I don't apologize.  You can say a lot of things, but "you getting fucked over" is not one of them. You brought this on yourself, friend, no two ways about it.  Personally? I think your girl there is selfish and manipulative, and you're letting it happen.    Put her on block and forget about the "friends" thing.   She's the only woman on the planet?    Of course not.   

What you keep doing - what YOU keep doing, not someone doing it to you - is pulling the scab off before it can heal.    You are not the first person on the planet to have feelings for a girl that aren't being reciprocated.  In fact, I dare say everyone here has had a similar experience, if not more than once.    You're young; go out (metaphorically) and see the world.  Meet people.  Sure, every girl you meet is going to be compared to THAT girl... at first.  Then you'll find that it doesn't happen as much, then it doesn't happen as often, then it doesn't happen at all.  To a 19 year old, a week's time is like an eternity, but it will pass. 

Sorry to be blunt, but I want to see you succeed, not wallow.

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #433 on: May 19, 2015, 08:10:40 AM »
OHHHH!!!  I DIDN'T READ THAT!

Yup.  You do.  Stay out of the ex's line of fire.  Don't give here any ammo.  I see the smile on your face when you post pics of you and your daughter.  So do the right thing and don't let the negativity of the ex bring you down.  You've got a little smile and one on the way to be your light moving forward.

That's what I'm trying to do. It's taking some time but soon I'll reach the light at the end of the tunnel.


Can you get your therapists to formally decalre in writing that you are a fit father?

I was thinking of doing that.  I have to call her and make my next appointment so maybe I'll see if she can help with that.

I'm a lawyer, but I don't do family law, so this is not legal advice, but I have been through a similar situation (because of circumstance - we have a kid together - I lived with my ex for about three months after the divorce was final; one night I got a text from a girl - ironically, not a romantic partner - and she went batshit.  Went through my phone and called all the females, including two from work and two who were potentially romantic, and told them I was a cheating scumbag.  Thankfully one said "he said the divorce was final" and she had to admit that it was and she looked stupid, but still.   I didn't make an issue of it, but the point is, I know about wacky exes.)  You just have to stay focused and not let the noise overwhelm the music.  Dating someone is not a crime, and is not grounds for ending custody.   Seeing a therapist is not a crime, and is not grounds for ending custody (though the subject of the therapy may be; if you're a registered sex offender, going to therapy doesn't negate that).

Get a lawyer; most will do a free consultation, and many will set up payment arrangements when kids are involved.   If that doesn't work, here in CT, the matter will go in front of a judge, then be assigned to a family counselor that will essentially "mediate" the custody.  Maybe talk to them before to get an idea of what information you will need and what is not relevant.   If I remember, didn't your ex leave to see somebody as well?   It may be as simple as bringing that up and making that an issue.  Not to poo-poo this, if one parent has serious legitimate issues about an exes new mate, it's not a trivial matter, but she has to have proof and has to be able to substantiate her concerns in a court room (meaning, under oath). 

Offline Prog Snob

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #434 on: May 19, 2015, 08:57:58 AM »
Thanks for the advice Stadler. She's being a bit more reasonable today but still wants to go through with the divorce. It's just going to take time for her to accept everything but at least she isn't threatening me today. I'm hoping she eases up with the restrictions on seeing my daughter.  I'm in therapy for depression and anxiety, so nothing that could ever possibly harm my daughter.

Well my ex is the one who suggested the open relationship. That's what started all of this. But to answer your question, she has been serious with someone since late last year.

Offline jonnybaxy

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #435 on: May 19, 2015, 12:02:51 PM »
My current situation;

Over the last few days I started speaking to my most recent ex, not always a wise move but whatever, we started to get along again, she then says she would just like to remain as friends with a guarantee that nothing will happen between us again, but I still like her, yeah, I miss her.

So I just go all out and say that basically I feel the opposite and that was the reason that I messaged her again, because I miss her. She tells me she doesn't feel the same, she doesn't want to hurt me again.

I ask whether she doesn't want to because she doesn't want to hurt me or because she didn't like me anymore, she basically says that she didn't feel the same and it would end up with me getting hurt.

(At this point I'm having what can only be described as an emotional stroke) So then i'm just being pathetic asking what I have done to make her lose her feelings, she says I've done nothing. I don't quite understand how there can be no reason to someone not liking someone anymore.

I then go full cringe

Her "you'll find someone"
Me " that's the problem, I already did"
Her "night Jonny"

So I message her this morning apologising for last night, I know I cant make her like me, but she dismissed me saying that even if she did she wouldn't go ahead with it.


I just don't understand, My heads fucked up and well except from when I was with her it has been fucked up for a good 2 years.

I don't know why I care so much, I just end up getting fucked over.

I realise it was probably a mistake posting this, but meh, I've fucked up so much recently, how much worse could I do?

I read your post and was sort of indifferent to it until one line.

If I'm being a dick, I apol... no, actually, I don't apologize.  You can say a lot of things, but "you getting fucked over" is not one of them. You brought this on yourself, friend, no two ways about it.  Personally? I think your girl there is selfish and manipulative, and you're letting it happen.    Put her on block and forget about the "friends" thing.   She's the only woman on the planet?    Of course not.   

What you keep doing - what YOU keep doing, not someone doing it to you - is pulling the scab off before it can heal.    You are not the first person on the planet to have feelings for a girl that aren't being reciprocated.  In fact, I dare say everyone here has had a similar experience, if not more than once.    You're young; go out (metaphorically) and see the world.  Meet people.  Sure, every girl you meet is going to be compared to THAT girl... at first.  Then you'll find that it doesn't happen as much, then it doesn't happen as often, then it doesn't happen at all.  To a 19 year old, a week's time is like an eternity, but it will pass. 

Sorry to be blunt, but I want to see you succeed, not wallow.

Yeah I agree, I make mistakes, yeah, I'm a slave to my emotions that's why I can't help myself going back again and again.

I don't see how I originally bring it on myself, I keep getting told over and over again it's not my fault,

I've felt like I've had depression for the last near 2 years because of this and my previous ex,

So now this has happened It will probably last another year or so, I can't get over these people because I've never understood why they haven't worked, I don't get closure.

I can't help how I feel and I don't know what to do anymore, it's killing me

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #436 on: May 19, 2015, 12:36:02 PM »
Some people just don't mix, whatever the reason. I don't think carrots taste bad but you'll never see me putting them in my mouth. For whatever reason, I just don't ever want to eat them. You having feelings for someone isn't going to make them have feelings for you by default, and it's nothing against you.

Quote
So now this has happened It will probably last another year or so, I can't get over these people because I've never understood why they haven't worked, I don't get closure.

The closure is that they ended/don't want the relationship. For whatever reason, the love chemicals weren't being released in the brain. You can't always explain why.

Metallica is an awesome band, but my neural network doesn't get excited when I hear them. I can't definitively say why other than that they do nothing for me. For whatever reason, the music section of my brain doesn't light up when I hear them. That doesn't make Metallica any less good of a band. Having feeling for people works the same way to a large degree.

Do you tell girls about this when you meet them?

Offline jonnybaxy

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #437 on: May 19, 2015, 12:53:51 PM »
Some people just don't mix, whatever the reason. I don't think carrots taste bad but you'll never see me putting them in my mouth. For whatever reason, I just don't ever want to eat them. You having feelings for someone isn't going to make them have feelings for you by default, and it's nothing against you.

Quote
So now this has happened It will probably last another year or so, I can't get over these people because I've never understood why they haven't worked, I don't get closure.

The closure is that they ended/don't want the relationship. For whatever reason, the love chemicals weren't being released in the brain. You can't always explain why.

Metallica is an awesome band, but my neural network doesn't get excited when I hear them. I can't definitively say why other than that they do nothing for me. For whatever reason, the music section of my brain doesn't light up when I hear them. That doesn't make Metallica any less good of a band. Having feeling for people works the same way to a large degree.

Do you tell girls about this when you meet them?

I know what you're saying but this has happened twice in a row with no explanation, There must be something like She doesn't find me attractive anymore, or I wasn't committed enough, or too much..

Do I tell girls about what?

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #438 on: May 19, 2015, 01:13:48 PM »
That you've spent years depressed because of other females.

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #439 on: May 19, 2015, 01:32:14 PM »
That you've spent years depressed because of other females.

Well I wouldn't tell potential dates that until you get to know them very well. But I agree with what Chino is saying, you can't let yourself get hung up over the fact that someone you like doesnt reciprocate it back.  It's possible it's something you do, it's very possible it's not.  Two people is a very small sample size to make a determination on that.  The best thing you can do is take the criticism that the females have given you or from friends/family whatnot, take the honest bad things that people say about you and improve upon those.  Don't take it personally, just use it better yourself.  We all have things we can improve upon and I personally really like it when I get feedback from a woman because then I know where I need to improve.

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #440 on: May 19, 2015, 02:02:46 PM »
It's unhealthy to want answers. Love it irrational and sometimes you can't get rational answers.  You're not focusing on yourself and the next relationship.

I've found if you find faults over the good in relationships your doing damage to that relationship.   Focus on the positives.  We all have things that bug us about the other. Those are the things my wife and I now embrace about each other.
« Last Edit: May 19, 2015, 02:50:44 PM by kingshmegland »
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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #441 on: May 19, 2015, 02:07:13 PM »
I'd just like to clarify that I'm not just talking out of my ass on this. When I was 17, I was 100% in love with a girl. Her name was Liz. One day, I go to her Myspace page, andout of nowhere I am no longer the number one on her top 8. Instead, I was replaced by a guy who attempted to rape her just a year earlier. I will never forget the feeling in the following few seconds. I never felt so crushed, so devastated, so betrayed, so used, or so sad. The feeling would not go away. I became obsessed with needing to know why (looking back at it now I realize it was because I was just a total pussy). I couldn't let it go. The feeling of emptiness and depression would not go away. It eventually started trickling into other facets of my life. I repeatedly had thoughts about dying. I never contemplated suicide as that would ruin my parents life, but I regularly had thoughts about how dying wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. I went on anti-depressants and begain drinking pretty heavily.

After about 2.5-3 years of this negativity, which all stemmed from this girl, I finally started getting, for lack of a better phrase, back to normal. I finally realized around the age of 23, when I really started learning about being an adult and future planning, that I had to ditch the acts. Every girl I've ever tried to be with resulted in me faking at least one element of the relationship. I was patient, turned down several girls, and was turned down by even more, but I finally found the perfect match for me (as far as I've ever been able to tell) just being myself. I had a couple of one nighters and a few multiple nighters, but nothing serious for a about 4 years. The whole time I was actively searching for a long term partner, but didn't mind the practicing with other girls who understood that it wasn't anything serious. I also learned that I was young. At the age of 17, I would have argued until I was blue in the face that I loved that girl, but looking back at it, I was 17. I didn't even know what love really was at that point. Liz and I are still good friends. I mean, it's not like we regularly talk or anything like that, but whenever I happen to bump into her in the grocery store, we catch up for a good 15 minutes like nothing bad ever happened between us.

Sorry, I feel like I am starting to ramble. I guess what I'm trying to say is, life will suck pretty hard at times. You can plan and take all the precautions you want, but sooner or later you are going to get shit on. Whether a girl tears your heart out, you break your spine, someone in your family dies unexpectedly, you become financially unstable, etc... something in life is going to drag you down. Just keep on keeping on. I know it's cliche, but life is too short. What happens happens. No sense on dwelling on things you can no longer control. Girl falls out of love with you... just keep loving yourself.

I'm going to leave you with the following quote;



You only get a few dozen trips. The probabilty of you coming into existance was so incomprehensibly small, that you really should never get wrapped up in stuff like a girl leaving you. Just being alive is enough to overcome any shit life throws at your fan. Sure it will hurt. Let a good cry out and move on as painful as it may be, initially. I had to break all contact with Liz for over a year. It sucked, but you know what? It worked.

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #442 on: May 19, 2015, 04:54:18 PM »
I'd just like to clarify that I'm not just talking out of my ass on this. When I was 17, I was 100% in love with a girl. Her name was Liz. One day, I go to her Myspace page, andout of nowhere I am no longer the number one on her top 8. Instead, I was replaced by a guy who attempted to rape her just a year earlier. I will never forget the feeling in the following few seconds. I never felt so crushed, so devastated, so betrayed, so used, or so sad. The feeling would not go away. I became obsessed with needing to know why (looking back at it now I realize it was because I was just a total pussy). I couldn't let it go. The feeling of emptiness and depression would not go away. It eventually started trickling into other facets of my life. I repeatedly had thoughts about dying. I never contemplated suicide as that would ruin my parents life, but I regularly had thoughts about how dying wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. I went on anti-depressants and begain drinking pretty heavily. 

Yeah this is pretty much where I am now. By the way no I don't tell anyone about how I feel except this board only this girl I'm talking about knows that I'm depressed, though she doesn't know to what extent or the reasons

Quote
You only get a few dozen trips. The probabilty of you coming into existance was so incomprehensibly small, that you really should never get wrapped up in stuff like a girl leaving you. Just being alive is enough to overcome any shit life throws at your fan. Sure it will hurt. Let a good cry out and move on as painful as it may be, initially. I had to break all contact with Liz for over a year. It sucked, but you know what? It worked.

Thanks for this, it has really helped me a bit I think, but I've tried blocking on all social media so I didn't see her, then I get a few minutes alone and I just buckle and make things worse.

Sometimes we're our own worst enemy.

Thanks Chino, it's much appreciated

Also a thanks to king and cramx3

Offline Phoenix87x

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #443 on: May 19, 2015, 06:19:45 PM »
I have to get this shit off my chest because I feel like I'm going to explode.

I met a girl in pharmacy school. We became very good friends, but nothing more than than. Her husband is an abusive asshole, both physically and mentally. He also has a terminal illness and does not work and is on disability. And for the record, he was an abusive asshole before the illness. There's also 3 kids. A 16 year old, 7 year old and 5 year old.

The girl and husband were living with the husbands mother who turned a blind eye to the abuse. This abuse was to her, not to the kids. The abuse got so bad that the girl had to leave, but had no way to bring the 3 kids with her.

SO at this point she is "separated" from her husband and she is making preparations for a divorce. She's driving to see the kids a few times a week, but they are still staying with the grandmother. From here on, the girl and I fell in love, and it was the 7 greatest months of my life. The first time in my life that I was genuinely happy. Meanwhile she is taking her sweet time with the divorce and that's really going no where.

Well, at this point our relationship is going well and I'm happy as can be. Well, suddenly she gets a call from her husband. The grandmother didn't feel like having these three kids in her house anymore and threw them and the husband out. So husband calls the my girl and says that he'll abandon the 3 kids on the side of the road unless she's lets him move in with her and she supports him.

So, She let him move in with her. So now there's this abusive asshole living in the same house as the girl I was getting ready to propose to and she is showing absolutely no signs of trying to divorce him, since A) he's on disability and literally can't support himself and B) he makes a great live-in babysitter as she is a full time grad student and has 2 jobs (this is the part that actually pisses me off)

So now we are seeing each other in secret and I feel like some piece of shit, for now being part of an affair, and looking over me shoulder. I only got involved with her since they were separated and in the process of a divorce. Now nothing. Now its a husband and wife living in a place with their 3 kids. And now I'm just some guy on the side.

Now the person I was ready to make my wife now has her husband living with her, with no solution in sight. FUCK

Long story short, seriously fucked up situation, and I just needed to vent.

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #444 on: May 20, 2015, 06:32:49 AM »
Long story short, seriously fucked up situation, and I just needed to vent.

Damn, that about sums it up.  A really fucked up situation.  I feel bad that you have worked so hard for an awesome relationship, just to be set back to where it all started. 

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #445 on: May 20, 2015, 06:47:00 AM »
Give the police an anonymous tip. Get the guy arrested and have custody turned over to the mother.

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #446 on: May 20, 2015, 08:32:30 AM »

Yeah I agree, I make mistakes, yeah, I'm a slave to my emotions that's why I can't help myself going back again and again.

I don't see how I originally bring it on myself, I keep getting told over and over again it's not my fault,

I've felt like I've had depression for the last near 2 years because of this and my previous ex,

So now this has happened It will probably last another year or so, I can't get over these people because I've never understood why they haven't worked, I don't get closure.

I can't help how I feel and I don't know what to do anymore, it's killing me

Listen, if you don't want to hear this, move along, and I'll say this as gently as I can, but your first step is coming to grips with the idea that YOU OWN WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU.  This isn't a drive-by where your catching a random bullet.   Every contact with that woman is of your own free will, and your own accord.  OWN THAT.   Allowing yourself to get into relationships with women who manipulate your feelings is of your own free will.  OWN THAT.   

As for the rest, one post from some idiot on the internet isn't going to help you, but as a general proposition, perhaps a therapist can help you sort out those feelings.    It's not about denying the feelings, it's recognizing them, dealing with them, and minimizing the situations you put yourself in that makes them worse.  Seeing the signs of a manipulative person before it starts to hurt, and before you've fallen for her.   I do slightly disagree with others, though, in terms of listening to what others say; it's inherently untruthful and doesn't help in the long run.  Do you benefit when a girl says "It's not you, it's me; I just want to be freiends"?   Of course not.   Chino had it best when he said that sometimes the chemicals just don't fire.  OWN THAT TOO.   My avatar has a great quote, something to the effect of, "it doesn't matter how many "no's" I get, as long as the night ends with one "yes"". 

You've got a lot going on; nothing that isn't addressable, and nothing that millions of others haven't dealt with, but still.   I do wish you well, but you're going to keep repeating yourself unless and until you start to get honest with yourself about your role in all this.  Once you own it, you will realize that it just IS, and like Chino implied, instead of trying to make yourself fit with that particular girl, you find the girl that fits with who you really are. 

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #447 on: May 20, 2015, 08:43:32 AM »
I have to get this shit off my chest because I feel like I'm going to explode.

I met a girl in pharmacy school. We became very good friends, but nothing more than than. Her husband is an abusive asshole, both physically and mentally. He also has a terminal illness and does not work and is on disability. And for the record, he was an abusive asshole before the illness. There's also 3 kids. A 16 year old, 7 year old and 5 year old.

The girl and husband were living with the husbands mother who turned a blind eye to the abuse. This abuse was to her, not to the kids. The abuse got so bad that the girl had to leave, but had no way to bring the 3 kids with her.

SO at this point she is "separated" from her husband and she is making preparations for a divorce. She's driving to see the kids a few times a week, but they are still staying with the grandmother. From here on, the girl and I fell in love, and it was the 7 greatest months of my life. The first time in my life that I was genuinely happy. Meanwhile she is taking her sweet time with the divorce and that's really going no where.

Well, at this point our relationship is going well and I'm happy as can be. Well, suddenly she gets a call from her husband. The grandmother didn't feel like having these three kids in her house anymore and threw them and the husband out. So husband calls the my girl and says that he'll abandon the 3 kids on the side of the road unless she's lets him move in with her and she supports him.

So, She let him move in with her. So now there's this abusive asshole living in the same house as the girl I was getting ready to propose to and she is showing absolutely no signs of trying to divorce him, since A) he's on disability and literally can't support himself and B) he makes a great live-in babysitter as she is a full time grad student and has 2 jobs (this is the part that actually pisses me off)

So now we are seeing each other in secret and I feel like some piece of shit, for now being part of an affair, and looking over me shoulder. I only got involved with her since they were separated and in the process of a divorce. Now nothing. Now its a husband and wife living in a place with their 3 kids. And now I'm just some guy on the side.

Now the person I was ready to make my wife now has her husband living with her, with no solution in sight. FUCK

Long story short, seriously fucked up situation, and I just needed to vent.

Hard to judge a situation like this from afar, but there's a lot there that doesn't add up.  I don't mean you're not telling the truth (I believe you are) but in terms of her actions and reactions.    "I'll leave the kids on the side of the road if you don't let me move in with you" actually works?   If he's disabled and doesn't work and is abusive and is threatening to abandon the kids, it would take 30 minutes in a court room to get those children in her full custody.  You said "making preparations for a divorce"; presumably that includes an attorney; surely they have some opinion on this. 

Hard truth as I see it:  she wouldn't be in that situation if - at some level, and it may not be conscious - she didn't want to be.   "Abuse" is a hot button issue in this day and age, and even shitty claims are being given the utmost respect and attention.   If there ever was a time in the United States to make a claim of abuse and have the system work for you, it's post Ray Rice USA, circa 2015. 

I'm you?  I call her bluff.   "Victoria, I love you.  But I'm an adult man, ready to take on responsibility for you, your kids and our life together, and I am not sneaking around in shadows while this piece of shit - who clearly ISN'T ready for responsibility of any kind - manipulates you and takes advantage of you.  I will help you in any capacity I can to free yourself of that scum bag, but unless and until you do, I'm not playing his game. Seacrest out." 

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #448 on: May 20, 2015, 09:38:59 AM »
Give the police an anonymous tip. Get the guy arrested and have custody turned over to the mother.

Can you even do this without the abused agreeing to being abused?  I think that's what makes domestic abuse so difficult to deal with because there are usually complications (like children) that prevent the abused to seek help for fear of complications (like what happens to my children?). 

I am just questioning, I am not knowledgeable in this.

Offline jonnybaxy

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #449 on: May 20, 2015, 10:21:21 AM »
Stadler

Both of these girls I genuinely loved and thought it was going well, whether that's them hiding that they feel otherwise or just me reading signs wrong I'm not sure, I haven't had to mould myself to either of them they seemed to be good and compatible with me, but again that could be me reading people wrong.

I've thought countless times to go to a doctor's, a therapist, whatever, I really don't want to do that, I'd be too embarrassed, only my ex, a close friend and you guys behind the screen know about this.

I know you're saying I can control a lot more, but people can still be unpredictable

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #450 on: May 20, 2015, 02:36:53 PM »
Stadler

Both of these girls I genuinely loved and thought it was going well, whether that's them hiding that they feel otherwise or just me reading signs wrong I'm not sure, I haven't had to mould myself to either of them they seemed to be good and compatible with me, but again that could be me reading people wrong.

I've thought countless times to go to a doctor's, a therapist, whatever, I really don't want to do that, I'd be too embarrassed, only my ex, a close friend and you guys behind the screen know about this.

I know you're saying I can control a lot more, but people can still be unpredictable

First, and most important, I can't tell you "not to be embarrassed", but that is their job, to hear people like you (and me) and help them.  You would be (perhaps) surprised at how common these issues are.  I was raised in a family that kept their shit under wraps and it was "nobody's business" but now I can't imagine not having the benefit of a therapist to help with situations like this.  Sure, some things are more sensitive than others, but I'm not sure how it's any different than telling me or Cramx3 or Progsnob.   And ask yourself this question:  what's the worse feeling?   Being depressed and hurt by those women that don't give a shit about you or being embarrassed by talking to a therapist who's only reason for being is to help you feel better and BE better? 

The second point, though, is perhaps me not being clear; I don't mean control a lot more, and certainly not control someone else.  That's a fool's game.  I mean control yourself and accept your feelings.  And that means reacting and dealing with the unpredictable.   Life happens, and people sometimes just change their minds, and you have to accept that and own that.   Doesn't mean you not be hurt, doesn't mean you have to be happy about it, but it also doesn't mean you're being "fucked over".   And to the extent that you're involved with either of these women on a repeat basis that is ALL on you.  To the extent you've gone back when they've said "Well, maybe I do like you..." and you've been hurt again, that's manipulative on their part.  You HAVE to put your wellbeing first, and being manipulated is not that.   Think about it this way:  what kind of girlfriend is she going to be long term if she doesn't give a shit about your feelings?   What kind of boyfriend/husband/father are you going to be if you aren't willing to stand up for your own feelings, let alone your partner's or children's? 

Offline jonnybaxy

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #451 on: May 20, 2015, 03:50:03 PM »
Stadler

Both of these girls I genuinely loved and thought it was going well, whether that's them hiding that they feel otherwise or just me reading signs wrong I'm not sure, I haven't had to mould myself to either of them they seemed to be good and compatible with me, but again that could be me reading people wrong.

I've thought countless times to go to a doctor's, a therapist, whatever, I really don't want to do that, I'd be too embarrassed, only my ex, a close friend and you guys behind the screen know about this.

I know you're saying I can control a lot more, but people can still be unpredictable

First, and most important, I can't tell you "not to be embarrassed", but that is their job, to hear people like you (and me) and help them.  You would be (perhaps) surprised at how common these issues are.  I was raised in a family that kept their shit under wraps and it was "nobody's business" but now I can't imagine not having the benefit of a therapist to help with situations like this.  Sure, some things are more sensitive than others, but I'm not sure how it's any different than telling me or Cramx3 or Progsnob.   And ask yourself this question:  what's the worse feeling?   Being depressed and hurt by those women that don't give a shit about you or being embarrassed by talking to a therapist who's only reason for being is to help you feel better and BE better? 

The second point, though, is perhaps me not being clear; I don't mean control a lot more, and certainly not control someone else.  That's a fool's game.  I mean control yourself and accept your feelings.  And that means reacting and dealing with the unpredictable.   Life happens, and people sometimes just change their minds, and you have to accept that and own that.   Doesn't mean you not be hurt, doesn't mean you have to be happy about it, but it also doesn't mean you're being "fucked over".   And to the extent that you're involved with either of these women on a repeat basis that is ALL on you.  To the extent you've gone back when they've said "Well, maybe I do like you..." and you've been hurt again, that's manipulative on their part.  You HAVE to put your wellbeing first, and being manipulated is not that.   Think about it this way:  what kind of girlfriend is she going to be long term if she doesn't give a shit about your feelings?   What kind of boyfriend/husband/father are you going to be if you aren't willing to stand up for your own feelings, let alone your partner's or children's?

I don't know, I've always been one of them people who keeps it mainly to themselves, I can't explain why I don't want to go to a therapist or doctor other than feeling like it's giving in or something, I don't know why at all.

I've agreed with you over and over that yeah it's my fault for repeatedly going back but I feel like I can't help it, my optimistic mind goes "well it can't get worse, you never know it might work!" and of course it never does and then it is worse.

Yeah, I'm a pushover, I'm a "helpless romantic", I'm a slave to my emotions, I don't know how to control it, it gets to a bad point, then I say "I want this back, I miss that feeling" and when it hits that point, it's all I think about. This place is basically my venting area. And when it reaches this point, I've no idea why but everything else in my life could be fine, buttthis keeps dragging me down, even though I know as much as everyone else here that it's not reallythat important.

Everyone just wants to feel loved and appreciated really

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #452 on: May 20, 2015, 03:55:07 PM »
I agree, if you got the balls to type it out here for us all to read and chime in on, you certainly shouldnt be embarrased to speak your mind to someone who is trained to listen and advise on these sort of things. 

I used to feel that same way about seeing a therapist though.  When my relationship was unraveling, my x who has a doctorate in psychology, was obviously very big on us seeing a relationship therapist.  I gave in, figuring there was nothing to lose at that point.  I know the therapist didnt help in that instance because I was already checked out of the relationship at that point and he told me the same, there was nothing he could do to help us if I was no longer wanting to be in the relationship.

However, that did open me up to the idea of seeing one for myself. After the break up I did see a therapist for a bit.  Just to talk and open up about my feelings inside because my life was really turbulent with the seperation (we owned a house together, had 3 cats, other shared belongings, mutual friends and family relationships...).  Saying everything and how I felt to some stranger actually really helped.  I dont think he even gave me any advice or anything really, he just listened and it felt good tog et it all out.  There is nothing to be embarrassed about and honestly, the therapist has likely seen it all before so there will be no judging of you or anything.  You'll get more out of that than posting here IMO.

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #453 on: May 21, 2015, 06:46:55 AM »
I don't know, I've always been one of them people who keeps it mainly to themselves, I can't explain why I don't want to go to a therapist or doctor other than feeling like it's giving in or something, I don't know why at all.

I've agreed with you over and over that yeah it's my fault for repeatedly going back but I feel like I can't help it, my optimistic mind goes "well it can't get worse, you never know it might work!" and of course it never does and then it is worse.

It's not about "fault"; I don't really care about "fault".  That's one of those silly things like "closure" that have taken on a life of their own (I can't tell you how many poor decisions I know of that have been made in the name of "closure").  It's about not doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting a different result. 

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Yeah, I'm a pushover, I'm a "helpless romantic", I'm a slave to my emotions, I don't know how to control it, it gets to a bad point, then I say "I want this back, I miss that feeling" and when it hits that point, it's all I think about. This place is basically my venting area. And when it reaches this point, I've no idea why but everything else in my life could be fine, buttthis keeps dragging me down, even though I know as much as everyone else here that it's not reallythat important.

Everyone just wants to feel loved and appreciated really

But do you really?  That's the question. I know it's none of my business and I should let it go, but sometimes the distance of a stranger is enough to see through the fog (and why therapists help so many people).    You keep saying "you want to feel love" but honestly?  I don't get one iota of "love" from any of your descriptions of your interactions with those two girls, and I CERTAINLY don't get any sense of "appreciation".   If those girls really loved you, they would be aware of, and refusing to cause you, all this pain.    THEY would own their role in this and do what they can to stop it. 

If you haven't figured it out yet, I went through something like this with my college girlfriend.  She didn't really love me either, but the difference was, she did care for me and my feelings.  And after the third time or so, she basically in so many words said "I'm moving back to Massachusetts, don't come after me."  And she did, and I didn't, and it hurt, I felt like my soul mate left, I felt like the world was over, I felt like I was staring at 60 years of loneliness, and... she was right.  I don't know if I was strong enough to do what I'm suggesting you do, but I didn't have to be; her helping with the hard work is possibly the most giving, kindest gesture that anyone has done for me.  It's been years now, and honestly, I rarely if ever think of her.  It isn't a bad thing, not at all, but with the benefit of years, she's not even in the top three of "loves" I have been lucky enough to experience.   I do know (with the help of therapy) that her willingness to account for my feelings as well as her own went a long way to making later loves that much better.   "Evidence of Autumn" by Genesis covers it rather nicely (though I suspect the girl in that song met a different fate):

"Though you hardly can recall
 Her face or form
 Her memory lingers on.."

I've said all I can.  Good luck. 

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Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
« Reply #454 on: May 21, 2015, 06:26:44 PM »
I hope Prog Snob and Phoenix will get help for their situations, the ex wife nor the ex husband don't have any right whatsoever to mess with any of the kids or to try to manipulate your/Phoenix's girl's behavior. Good luck with that.

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