Hey guys, here's a little thing about me that I discovered.

[Dark Castle]

Well hey guys, I don't know if this will be a TL;DR post, but if it is, I'll summarize it after I get all my thoughts typed out.
TL;DR: I strongly feel like I'm the wrong gender and want to change that, but don't know how to approach my parents.

Well, let me start it off, Over the last few months I've been struggling with an issue, a personal issue, and it was on my mind constantly. It was at the forefront my mind while at work, while out, and while at home. My parents sort of took notice, telling me I looked depressed, a lot on my plate, and I knid of lied, just because it was something I don't know if I can talk to them about. To go off on a tangent, my parents are very supportive, always there to give me a hand, or to just be there for me in general. My family is very religious, Mom's side being Catholic, Bio Dad's side being Baptist/Methodist, and my Dad's side being Roman Catholic, so the fact that they are completely fine and engage in conversation about the music I listen to (Metal, Weird Electronic/Pop shit, etc) and that they're actively cheering from the sidelines and helping me in anyway they can while I attend Full Sail for a bachelor's in Recording Arts is just absolutely amazing, and I love them so much for it. But all the while, I can't tell them about my personal dilemma, and now I'll delve into that.

I strongly feel that I was born the wrong gender. These thoughts came a few months ago, but it's most certainly not the first time I've thought about it. All throughout my childhood, I was fascinated by the female gender in general, and often would daydream/fantasize about what it'd be like to be a girl. And through out thinking about it and such, at first I just decided "Well, I'm already 20, so I think it's too late for me to do anything" and for a couple weeks I just went with that, but throughout those two weeks, I thought NO, I don't know if I can just do nothing about it and live with that feeling of I'm not who I should be for the rest of my life. A few lines from the song "Bathyalpelagic I: Impasses" really had a big impact on this change of thought. The lines goes "I've Chosen To Embrace, All The Things That I Cannot Change. But I'm Not Sure If This Helps, To Relieve You From Bitterness." and "How Much Control Do We Have Over What We Wish For?" and I just came to realize, I don't think I can just muffle what I truly feel, without feeling bitter about it for the rest of my life, and that I do in fact have the ability to do something about it. That's when I started looking into Hormone Replacement Therapy, some other therapies to solve some "Man Characteristics", and finally, that surgery Gender Replacement Surgery that does what the name implies. And the more I research, the more I think, "I want to go through with this."

And that's where the roadblock comes up, and it's who other than my parents/family. I've told my closest friends, who pretty much support me and tell me to do what makes me happy, and I've told my oldest younger brother, who knows I'm Atheist as well and is kind enough not to tell my parents, who I actually suspect know I'm Atheist, but choose to say I'm a non practicing Catholic. What makes it a bit more complicated (I guess) is that I think I'm bi-sexual, but wouldn't even think of hooking up with guys until after completing my changes and even then I'm not sure, as it's more of a fascination, yet still retain attraction to women, and I guess there's some other exceptions but those aren't really relevant and are kind of NSFW... So I earnestly think they'd be more accepting if I told them I were gay rather than, "Hey guys, I feel very strongly that I'm the wrong gender and am going to take the steps to change that so that I can truly identify as a women" It's just impossible to even begin comprehending how I'm going to approach them with this, as it's not something I'd really be able to hide, considering the fact that my mom and dad live 90 miles away and visit often. I feel like this is something I should talk to them about, all the while maintaining I'm going through with it, so really it's more me informing them. And I don't feel like I can do that in any way that doesn't end up with them shunning me along with most of my family as well, and that scares the living shit out of me. I have no idea how I'd be where I am today without them, and the very realistic chance that they'll want nothing to do with me fills me with dread, and makes me want to cry. I was surprised by my brother, but even for being religious, he has fairly liberal views, unlike my parents.

I just wanted to vent that out here, maybe get some advice on how to approach my parents with it, and it just lifts some weight off my shoulders to vent this out somewhere.

[Implode]

I have many friends that are trans/genderfluid/nonbinary etc, but I don't know how that's gone over with their parents. I'm not sure how to approach your parents about it; I only know that it should happen eventually. I wish you luck though. 

[Ħ]

These thoughts came a few months ago

Wait.

[Dark Castle]

These thoughts came a few months ago

Wait.

The heavy thinking, I didn't just out of the blue go "Wowee, I should be female"
It's been something that at different points in my life has been on my mind, and while I thought about it and such a few months ago was when I finally started seriously thinking about it, and whether it was how I really felt or just some passing thought, and after lots, and lots, and lots of thinking, I knew it wasn't the latter.

[theseoafs]

That's a tough spot you're in, sorry about that.  Best of luck to you.

[bout to crash]

I know and/or have heard the stories of many trans folks. I have to say the fact that this hasn't been something that has totally haunted you throughout life surprises me a bit- it seems like most people say "I always knew I was born in the wrong body." Then again, in a society where this is something seen as totally abnormal, it's no wonder it would take someone a long time to truly admit/accept it. Trans folks are some of the most misunderstood on the planet. It is entirely possible that your parents could say "You're sick" and disown you. But it's also entirely possibly for your parents to say "We love you no matter what because that's the Christian thing to do and you're our son." Really the only way to find out is to talk to them. This could be an incredibly painful experience, but so would staying in the closet and not doing what you feel is the right thing.
My only real piece of advice, if you're not doing this already, is to see a therapist, preferably one who has an LGBT specialty/focus. S/he can guide you through this, talk about how you want to break the news, and be there to process whatever the consequences are. I would say this is essential to surviving something of this magnitude.
Also, I am here if you need to talk

[Ħ]

These thoughts came a few months ago

Wait.

The heavy thinking, I didn't just out of the blue go "Wowee, I should be female"
It's been something that at different points in my life has been on my mind, and while I thought about it and such a few months ago was when I finally started seriously thinking about it, and whether it was how I really felt or just some passing thought, and after lots, and lots, and lots of thinking, I knew it wasn't the latter.

I didn't say you are just coming up with it out of the blue. But, even though you have been somewhat confident in going through with this the past few months, that's nothing. Give it years, seriously, of it being a decision you definitely want to go through. This is true for any big change in your life, like getting married or having a kid. Gather information, yes, talk to advisers and whatnot, yes, possibly talk to your parents, but for the love of God give yourself a FAT chunk of time to really solidify your decision. Because if - if - this is a mistake, it will ruin your life. You better be damn sure.

[Zook]

No wonder you're always a dick to me. You're PMSing. It all makes sense now.

[Scrub206]

My friend is actually attending gender specific therapy. He's male but believes hes supposed to be female and is actually currently in the process of it... I should probably start referring to he as she to get used to it. She is getting medicine and what not from the doctors to kinda help with the transition? No surgery just yet as far as I'm aware.

BUT more to to the point, She flat out just told her parents and close friends. After some therapy obviously, but her parents seem to be very supportive. I've been very supportive and so have her other friends. I don't mean "after some therapy" as a bad thing either. Its really helped her make her decision and really think about things and kinda get down to the main reason why this all is happening.

Idk if any of that helped (its 4am to much to type lol) but if you want I can probably get you two together to talk or something. I'm sure that could help in some way.

[MoraWintersoul]

I know and/or have heard the stories of many trans folks. I have to say the fact that this hasn't been something that has totally haunted you throughout life surprises me a bit- it seems like most people say "I always knew I was born in the wrong body." Then again, in a society where this is something seen as totally abnormal, it's no wonder it would take someone a long time to truly admit/accept it. Trans folks are some of the most misunderstood on the planet. It is entirely possible that your parents could say "You're sick" and disown you. But it's also entirely possibly for your parents to say "We love you no matter what because that's the Christian thing to do and you're our son." Really the only way to find out is to talk to them. This could be an incredibly painful experience, but so would staying in the closet and not doing what you feel is the right thing.
My only real piece of advice, if you're not doing this already, is to see a therapist, preferably one who has an LGBT specialty/focus. S/he can guide you through this, talk about how you want to break the news, and be there to process whatever the consequences are. I would say this is essential to surviving something of this magnitude.
Also, I am here if you need to talk

Absolutely all of this.

But, even though you have been somewhat confident in going through with this the past few months, that's nothing. Give it years, seriously, of it being a decision you definitely want to go through. This is true for any big change in your life, like getting married or having a kid. Gather information, yes, talk to advisers and whatnot, yes, possibly talk to your parents, but for the love of God give yourself a FAT chunk of time to really solidify your decision. Because if - if - this is a mistake, it will ruin your life. You better be damn sure.

Let's say I'm pretty well aware on how discoveries on gender and sexuality can cause a paradigm shift in thinking - it's possible that recent thought processes unveiled some things your brain's been pushing under the rug for years. And it's not like it will ruin his life if he is, afterwards, completely sure he's made a mistake, dysphoria is pretty common both before and after surgeries, and there HAVE been people who changed, then changed back. It's just pretty expensive but it's not so terrifying.

What he SHOULD be aware about are the mass amounts of transphobia, even amongst queer folk. Every time he outs himself in front of a new person, there's a risk.

[El Barto]

The only thing I'd add to what Jackie said is that no reputable doctor is going to do anything to you without you getting plenty of therapy and counseling beforehand. Might as well start now. Really, that's the first step for pretty much any scenario.

[kirksnosehair]

Yeah, first thing I would do is begin with a therapist.  I'm pretty sure that will lead to a full psychological profile.  Which is what you need, I think.  Start there and see where this takes you. 


Takes a lot of courage to put something like that out there.  I respect that 

[Zantera]

No wonder you're always a dick to me. You're PMSing. It all makes sense now.

I really don't think a post like this is necessary, it's hardly a good timing for a joke, and it was kinda over the line in this case in my opinion.

Dark Castle, you're a great dude and I can only guess how hard this must be for you. I wish I could give you a good advice, but I'm not really sure what to say in this situation. I wish you the best of luck though. 

[Zook]

No wonder you're always a dick to me. You're PMSing. It all makes sense now.

I really don't think a post like this is necessary, it's hardly a good timing for a joke, and it was kinda over the line in this case in my opinion.

If he was crying out for help, you'd be right. He just asked a simple question and seems pretty comfortable about his situation. Surely a forumer such as Dark Castle has a thicker skin than you give him credit for.


DC, however method you choose, just remember: those who can't accept your choice, especially your parents and family can go fuck themselves. Family should always be supportive of other family, unless of course it's something actually immoral or wrong. That's all I can say because I've never been in a situation like this so It's impossible for me to relate, so good luck.

[Dark Castle]

I was going to say, I actually laughed at what Zook posted, I found it funny 

Bout to Crash was radular(like always) and sent me some links to some therapists, so I'm going to start looking into therapy, which I don't know how to feel about, as while I'm set in my mind on what I want to do, I don't really know how to explain it to others, as some reasoning is probably pretty stupid, I just feel most of all that it'd feel right, which to me is most important, so that'll be interesting.

As to the those who don't accept can go fuck themselves, that's very true, it's just tough when those people are quite possibly your parents and close family, who've always loved you and been there for you. But going to a therapist would most likely address that issue and it'd be something I wouldn't have to do alone anymore.

I really appreciate the responses guys. 

[bout to crash]

As Barto said, nobody will give you any hormones/surgery without making sure you are psychologically stable/prepared, so I know the thought of therapy might be weird but it is absolutely essential. You could work your way up to that with one of the groups I sent you- that's not therapy, just general support from folks who are in a similar boat and it'll get you talking

[lonestar]

And from someone who has been through more therapy than you can imagine, it's a good thing. It's kinda like having a tour guide for your brain and thoughts, especially if you connect with the right one. Whatever happens, I totally respect your openness and honesty, those will take you real far my friend.

[?]

Don't have anything to add to what others have said, but it takes a lot of courage to admit you feel like you're in the wrong gender, let alone consider a surgery, so I have to respect that and I hope things work out for you

[bout to crash]

Amen, guys!

[ariich]

I was going to say, I actually laughed at what Zook posted, I found it funny 

Glad to hear that. But Zook, do try to be careful - if DC wasn't so cool about banter your remark would have been really quite inappropriate.

DC, my advice is definitely to explore these thoughts more, including with a therapist. I've known a couple of people who had exactly the same thing, and the important thing is to make sure you completely understand yourself.

[Nick]

I would make sure, as many have suggested, that you get a good amount of therapy and can be 101% sure of what you're doing before you look any further. Try to remember that this kind of change isn't complete, and you'll never truly be a woman. I get the fascination with the opposite gender and wanting to know what it's like, but at the end of the day man-made surgeries and injected hormones don't make a woman any more than putting lipstick and a dress on a pig would.

I don't want to sound like I'd disapprove of your choice, because if at the end of the day it's what you and professionals think is best then it's what you should do and I really hope you're happy with it. Just realize as far as many people are concerned, including you will still be a man who has changed himself to be as much as a woman as possible. I can't really even fathom any other explanation or phrasing for it.

I'm sure this is no easy matter and at the end of the day I hope you find peace through it all.

[Dr. DTVT]

I got your back DC, because someday I may want your front 

I don't have any advice, but my ear is always here for you.

[Sketchy]

Good luck and all for the best with whichever you decide to go with. You'll still be Dark Castle here either way (unless you change the name too).

[bosk1]

I was going to say, I actually laughed at what Zook posted, I found it funny 

Glad to hear that. But Zook, do try to be careful - if DC wasn't so cool about banter your remark would have been really quite inappropriate.

Pretty much what ariich said, so let's just leave it at that.  WHICH MEANS YOU GUYS CAN STOP REPORTING IT NOW!    I saw the comment initially, and I agree that something like that would typically be inappropriate and would warrant us taking some action.  But context matters, and I know Zook and DC are cool and joke with each other, so I'm not about to ban Zook over a comment that the recipient of the comment would not find offensive.

[Onno]

Man, good luck with this. Hope it all works out well!

[JayOctavarium]

I've got your back

[Chino]

What a read. Haven't come across something like that on these boards in a long time (I'm thinking as far back as Icy). Anyways, do whatever results in there being a smile on your face when you go to bed. You have one chance (and a short one at that) to experience this phenomenon that we call life. Enjoy it by any means necessary. I wish you the best. Email the link to this thread to both your mom and dad.

[robwebster]

First thing - amazing! Excellent! Thank you so much for sharing! I like this board, but occasionally feel a little jaded by it and disappear into my little hidey hole for a few months on end. Not today - now I'm just thinking, "How brilliant is it that, a. Dark Castle felt happy to share something so personal, and b. everyone except Zook has been really cool about it!"

It's the sort of double-edged blade. We live in a society where we have the ability and means to change our physical forms, which is really cool - but it's also a society where not everyone is going to be comfortable with that change. Very nice to go, "Screw them, do what makes you happy," and I think that's an utterly admirable philosophy, but sometimes it's just not as easy as that if it risks not necessarily losing, but maybe hurting, people you love. I think their (at this point, completely imagined!) hurt would be utterly irrational, and I think you would, too - but to them, it will seem like common sense! That doesn't make them bad people, just... ill-equipped to accept that aspect of life.

I suppose it's an aspect of social identity. Maleness and femaleness are constructs - identities that have been sculpted on a multi-centennial scale by global society, and I think transness carries its own identity, currently, that doesn't quite match either. I think there are some utterly repulsive aspects of the male identity, and I can definitely see it as a shadow you'd want to escape. If it's social identity you're concerned about, that's something that's all about other people's perception, but I don't think society yet considers male-to-female-transness and femaleness the same thing. If it's about changing your image to fit how you see yourself, then I think there's only one answer. If it's about changing your image to change how others see you, I think you should still go through with the surgery if you feel confident in it, but only if you can accept that your family, and thereafter society, will have its own ideas - just as it did when you were male.

Not that I'm expecting to add anything to the table, here! I'm sure you've cycled all that in your head a million times over. I just think it's interesting. 50% of the human experience is off-limits to us from the word go. Two people, sat in the same room, with different genitals, are experiencing the universe in completely different ways. Very weird. I'm perfectly happy as a bloke, but I don't think anyone would pass up the chance to Freaky Friday for a weekend.

Above all?

You go, girl.

[Dark Castle]

Hey guys, I just want to say I really appreciate all the positive replies and support! I'm trying to find out if Full Sail has a student therapist at the moment, and trying to find out if there's any groups nearby, as I relinquished my car to my family, seeing as I live only a mile and some away from campus,  and I figured it was time to blade/bike/walk to my hearts content, and unfortunately that also means it's quite a challenge to make it into Orlando where I've found some promising leads. That and Full Sail has a very odd class schedule, two four hour blocks a day ranging from 9am to 1am when they start, so that'll be a hurdle, but it's one that I'm more than willing to work with.

[Zook]

...and b. everyone except Zook has been really cool about it!"

Well that's not true at all.

[bosk1]

Hey guys, I just want to say I really appreciate all the positive replies and support! I'm trying to find out if Full Sail has a student therapist at the moment, and trying to find out if there's any groups nearby, as I relinquished my car to my family, seeing as I live only a mile and some away from campus,  and I figured it was time to blade/bike/walk to my hearts content, and unfortunately that also means it's quite a challenge to make it into Orlando where I've found some promising leads. That and Full Sail has a very odd class schedule, two four hour blocks a day ranging from 9am to 1am when they start, so that'll be a hurdle, but it's one that I'm more than willing to work with.

I haven't really chimed in on the main issue in the thread, and don't really intend to beyond this.  I'm sure you could probably guess what my stance on this would be.  Personally, I don't think the road you are contemplating is a good idea.  That being said, I completely understand that that is not what you have asked for in this thread, so beyond this post, I do not intend on going any further with that.  If you are at all interested in discussing the opposing view, I would be happy to do so privately so as not to derail the thread.  In fact, I know there are others that feel the way I do, so let me just put out there that this thread is not really to debate both sides of the issue.  Dark Castle posted this thread to look for support and to approach the problem of discussing it with his family, so let's make sure to keep it from going off track and ending up a P/R topic instead of someone's very personal choice.

That being said, I applaud you for the serious thought and struggle you are giving this, AND for giving such serious thought and consideration to how this will impact others who are close to you.  Big picture-wise, we all have to live our own lives and make our own choices, whether others agree or not.  Understanding that and making the difficult choice even when others disagree is often necessary.  However, to take that to the extreme of "if they don't agree, f' them" is a mistake, IMO.  And, again, I think it's really cool that you seem to recognize that and are sincerely grappling with how your decision will impact others, even if you decide it is something you have to go through with regardless of any opposition you may encounter.  I am sure that will go a long way in keeping you and most of your loved ones close, regardless of your ultimate decision.

[King Postwhore]

It is such a hard subject to come forward with and it takes some real strength to tell us.  I can't add to the great feedback you have received but we are all here no matter what side we all fall on.  Thank you for allowing us into something so personal.  I hope DTF helped.

[Perpetual Change]

I really wanted to show support in this thread but wasn't sure what to say. Anyway, I will just echo what bosk said. I applaud the seriousness you're taking with this, and I will also echo that I agree with the therapy angle others have mentioned.   

[snapple]

If you do get a change, get some double d's.

[Dark Castle]

If you do get a change, get some double d's.

Well, I've always been somebody who enjoys smaller breasts, sorry mang