Wife's libido vanished

[dbrooks22]

About 4yrs ago, it completely disappeared.  The first 3yrs of being together, we were on the same page and everything was great.  Now, it's awful.  I am constantly reminded that she has no interest in me "that way."  She is very kind and loving, and tries her best to pretend that she's interested.  But it is painfully obvious to me, and it makes me feel horrible and gross to think about her feeling forced into something she doesn't want to do.

We've talked about it for years, and have tried switching birth control.  She even went to an acupuncturist without my knowing - to see if that would help (it didn't).  These days, i just suffer silently.  I don't even bring it up anymore, because it just creates tension.  Talking about it isn't going to fix the mismatched libido.  And i don't approach her anymore because i'm tired of the rejection - exhausted is a better word.

I love her very much and i am very attracted to her.  I'm really looking for some real advice from someone who's been there.  Someone who knows how horrible it is to be in this situation. 

I'm tired of feeling this way.  If i could change myself, i would do it in a heartbeat. 

[ReaPsTA]

I feel like this is something you should see professional psychological help about.

[bout to crash]

I wish I had some advice but all I can say is I've sorta been on the other end and that sucks, too.

[Adami]

First, you should probably find out of it's her labido, or just her sexual interest in you.........not to sound like a jerk.

If it's her labido completely, there might even be a medical reason for that, however if it's just her sexual interest in you....then that's something you two need to work out.

[bout to crash]

Yeah, that.

[hefdaddy42]

Part of it could have to do with any medication she may be on.  My wife and I went through that, but we made some changes and things are a lot better now.

[black_biff_stadler]

Part of it could have to do with any medication she may be on.  My wife and I went through that, but we made some changes and things are a lot better now.

I attribute it to the new hairdo.

[Perpetual Change]

The pill is a libido killer. You'd think it's exciting when your girlfriend goes on the pill or something, but it's really not, because the desire to do it really decreases dramatically that way.

[SPNKr]

umm guys i think cole spread his asexual heresy on this mans wife

cole why would you do that

[bout to crash]

 

And yeah, the pill sucks.

[SystematicThought]

Isn't this a bit personal for a forum?   

[YtseBitsySpider]

if it's medication or age then..that's somewhat fixable...my wife's anti anxiety meds put her libido in the crapper....then I told her she could fool around with women..and presto!...lots more sex.

if..however she's simply not physically attracted to you anymore....and can't admit it..or..won't for the sake of the kids..or out of a sense of duty\pride....that's not fixable man.

Sorry.

that's all i got

[CrimsonSunrise]

I feel like this is something you should see professional psychological help about.

This is a valid point.  I'd recommend doing it together.  She sounds like she WANTS the mutual attraction to be there, that in itself is a big plus.

[Gorille85]

Try dancing, or sexy suits... something to boost the sex=appeal.

[bout to crash]

Sexy suits? Is that some kinky thing I don't know about?

[YtseBitsySpider]

quite a few things you're learing about today....

maybe the english didn't quite get a good translatamifying there...he probably meant lingerie.

[Perpetual Change]

Everyone quick, upload pics of yourself in your sexy suits.

[axeman90210]

*starts uploading pic of self in birthday suit*


wait a sec...

[bout to crash]

Haven't you guys seen the picture thread recently??


No further comment 

[MasterShakezula]

Man, I am so not getting married. 

[Kosmo]

Man, I am so not getting married.

[millahh]

She needs to talk to her gynecologist.

[dbrooks22]

Thanks for everyone's responses above.  I'm sorry if this is somewhat personal for the board, but I wanted to see if there were others who had a similar experience (from either side) and it sounds like there are.  Plus, to be a DT fan you have to have a few working brain cells, so you guys are a good resource. 

She went on the pill when she was younger, and had been on it for about 14yrs (we are 33yrs old) until last year.  Even though the first 3yrs were good while she was taking it, we thought that could be a problem so we cut out horomonal birth control about a year ago.  Nothing improved.  From what i've read, HBC can permanently alter a woman's chemistry, even if she stops taking it.

She's not on any other meds.

I have considered that she may not be attracted to me anymore, and have asked her in the past if that is the case.  She swears it isn't.  We are very affectionate, very loving.  Every other aspect of the relationship is great - we are that couple who makes people sick in the grocery store with PDA's.  It seems that she is just very happy without the physical aspect and has no need for it anymore.  I think she spoke to her doctor at one point, but i'm not sure there is much they can do about it. 

As i said before, because i don't want to make her uncomfortable, i basically stopped bringing it up.  The LAST thing i would want to do is make her feel like she has to oblige me.

Some thoughts - I am wondering if it is just natural for a woman to stop wanting sex.  Perhaps women are attracted to the untamed side of men, and when they get one home and domesticate him, maybe they just aren't sexually attracted to them anymore.  Maybe it's natural for a woman to lose interest?  I've heard that this problem occurs in quite a few relationships, and about 80% of the time it's the woman's libido that vanishes.

Thanks again for your ears and suggestions

[lordxizor]

Not that it really helps you out at all, but I don't think this is terribly unusual. Having her talk to her doctor about medical reasons and talking to a therapist about potential mental reasons would be a good place to start.

[ZBomber]

Have you tried uh..... err.... "spicing things up" a bit?

[/not that helpful] 

[Evo]

Don't freak out too much, this is a lot more frequent than you might think. I think part of the reason this happens is that people might get too comfortable and their life becomes too predictable.
How dependent are you on her? I don't mean to sound preachy at all by saying this, but I think women need to admire us in order to be attracted to us. I have no idea how you guys function as a couple, but the last thing you should do is be needy and dependent on her. Once again, I'm not familiar with your situation, but I would advise to be as independent as possible, focus on being successful at whatever it is that you do, work out, don't show her that you're suffering, and if you love her very much, don't make it TOO obvious. I'm not saying you should be distant or become a jerk or anything. It's a fine line...
I'm kind of basing this on my personal experience, I was never married, but the woman I thought was my soul mate ended up leaving me after 4 years, and a big part of the problem was that she wasn't challenged anymore. I was way too focused on her, and she knew I would stay with her no matter what. Not saying it has anything to do with what you're going through, but there might be some similarities?
Good luck!

[TempusVox]

Some thoughts - I am wondering if it is just natural for a woman to stop wanting sex.  Perhaps women are attracted to the untamed side of men, and when they get one home and domesticate him, maybe they just aren't sexually attracted to them anymore. 

Andy?? Is that you?? 

Sorry, couldn't resist.

Obviously, this is a problem for you that has been going on for some time now. I would suggest that you seek out your physician, or a therapist. You might try suggesting therapy to your wife. DON'T PUSH HER THOUGH.  Worst thing you can do is try to make it sound like she's "the problem". Putting blame and pressure is the last thing her libido needs. I mean how sexy is that to be made to feel like shit because she's not pleasing you? WTF? If she refuses, go see someone yourself. But I would start with letting her know that you are willing to try whatever it takes to add more sexual intimacy to the relationship, and you would like to know if she would be interested in that too. Don't overreact, or get pissed, or angry, or come down on her. Bad idea. If she is unwilling too or won't or can't, then YOU need to decide if the level of intimacy is going to be enough for you to stay in the relationship. If not, then you need to decide what to do next.

Anyway, your posts seem to have the idea that something with her is broken and needs fixed. YOU as a couple need help in an area. It's probably a combination of things. Hell, she might not understand it herself; but putting pressure on her, and casting blame her way are NOT gonna resolve it. If anything, you will be begin to resent each other. Now I have not had this problem personally. But I've been in enough relationships with women to know this is true. Be patient, and DON'T pressure her.

[dbrooks22]

Don't freak out too much, this is a lot more frequent than you might think. I think part of the reason this happens is that people might get too comfortable and their life becomes too predictable.
How dependent are you on her? I don't mean to sound preachy at all by saying this, but I think women need to admire us in order to be attracted to us. I have no idea how you guys function as a couple, but the last thing you should do is be needy and dependent on her. Once again, I'm not familiar with your situation, but I would advise to be as independent as possible, focus on being successful at whatever it is that you do, work out, don't show her that you're suffering, and if you love her very much, don't make it TOO obvious. I'm not saying you should be distant or become a jerk or anything. It's a fine line...
I'm kind of basing this on my personal experience, I was never married, but the woman I thought was my soul mate ended up leaving me after 4 years, and a big part of the problem was that she wasn't challenged anymore. I was way too focused on her, and she knew I would stay with her no matter what. Not saying it has anything to do with what you're going through, but there might be some similarities?
Good luck!

Thank you.  I think there is a lot of truth to what you have said, in general.  As it applies to this situation, there are definitely some similarities.  It's funny - many women want to tame their man and put them on a leash.  But once they get what they want, they don't want it anymore.

[dbrooks22]

Some thoughts - I am wondering if it is just natural for a woman to stop wanting sex.  Perhaps women are attracted to the untamed side of men, and when they get one home and domesticate him, maybe they just aren't sexually attracted to them anymore.  Thanks again for your ears and suggestions

Andy?? Is that you?? 

Sorry, couldn't resist.

Obviously, this is a problem for you that has been going on for some time now. I would suggest that you seek out your physician, or a therapist. You might try suggesting therapy to your wife. DON'T PUSH HER THOUGH.  Worst thing you can do is try to make it sound like she's "the problem". Putting blame and pressure is the last thing her libido needs. I mean how sexy is that to be made to feel like shit because she's not pleasing you? WTF? If she refuses, go see someone yourself. But I would start with letting her know that you are willing to try whatever it takes to add more sexual intimacy to the relationship, and you would like to know if she would be interested in that too. Don't overreact, or get pissed, or angry, or come down on her. Bad idea. If she is unwilling too or won't or can't, then YOU need to decide if the level of intimacy is going to be enough for you to stay in the relationship. If not, then you need to decide what to do next.

Anyway, your posts seem to have the idea that something with her is broken and needs fixed. YOU as a couple need help in an area. It's probably a combination of things. Hell, she might not understand it herself; but putting pressure on her, and casting blame her way are NOT gonna resolve it. If anything, you will be begin to resent each other. Now I have not had this problem personally. But I've been in enough relationships with women to know this is true. Be patient, and DON'T pressure her.

Thank you.  Yes - initially i brought it up a lot because i thought we could talk through it.  I figured that communication would find a fix.  But once i realized that wasn't working, i started to keep quiet.  Again, I make SURE that she knows she is NOT the problem.  I try to never put pressure on her or get angry/etc.  I don't view it as her problem or something in her that needs to be fixed - it's my problem.  I'm the one who's sad/frustrated - she is happy!  Like i said, i don't even bring it up anymore because i don't want to instigate any negative emotions around it.

[Bedwetting Cosmonaut]

I'm so confused.. does your wife have a penis??? 

last time I checked the definition of lubido it said when your penis gets hard and you have a drive to have sex

BC

[7StringedBeast]

I'm so confused.. does your wife have a penis??? 

last time I checked the definition of lubido it said when your penis gets hard and you have a drive to have sex

BC

oh boy....

Libido just means sex drive.  Women can have sex drives and often do.

[ZBomber]

I'm so confused.. does your wife have a penis??? 

last time I checked the definition of lubido it said when your penis gets hard and you have a drive to have sex

BC

 

[bout to crash]

Oh dear

Also the gender stereotyping in here: lame. Why the fuck would I not want to know my boyfriend/husband was suffering or not want him to show that he loves me?

[jingle.boy]

Just to be clear, what do you mean by "completely disappeared"?  Is it absolutely zero sex?  Once a month, couple times a year?  I can see how going from a weekly (or multiple time weekly) schedule to something significantly less would equate to 'completely disappeared'.

Just want to know before I offer my thoughts on the matter (having been married for 11.5 years).

[dbrooks22]

I think her sex drive has gone to almost zero, but she is very sweet and knows that i want to be with her more than that.  So she does initiate (out of compassion) once or twice a month.  Sometimes 6 weeks.  Let's just say that she would not notice going 3 months without.  That's what i mean by her libido "completely disappeared."

Also, i want to clear up one thing.  Going without sex is not really the issue for me.  When i was single, i went without for long periods of time without any complaints.  (At other times i have been in very sexual relationships - so i've experienced both ends of the spectrum - probably like many of you).  The issue is that when you live with someone that you love and are attracted to, and in constant contact with, you naturally WANT to be with her.  I DESIRE her.  That's the problem.  Unreciprocated desire.