WW - I honestly don't feel like getting into all of it in detail. I know that sounds like a cop-out but I just don't care
. I've had literal days worth of conversations with good Christian friends and other pastors for the last 5-6 years about this, picked through every scrap of theological contradiction with them, etc. At this point, picking out individual issues I fought with really isn't going to change anything, even if they could be reconciled or answered. It's not that I don't think you have good things to say, just that after spending 25 years parsing these issues, I have no desire to spend any more of my precious time on this earth doing so.
The one issue I will raise is this: For the sake of argument, let's say I somehow resolve all of my problems with contradictions, philosophical impossibilities, etc. concerning the Bible and the theology is presents. There is still no experience with a supernatural God on my part to go back to. I myself insisted for many years that belief is not based on feeling - it is based on faith in the direction of evidence (Paul makes this clear in Hebrews 11, distinguishing "blind faith" from "evidence based faith"). However, what is the presence of the Holy Spirit, God's guidance, conviction, knowing God's will, and all the rest, if not a feeling (at it's base)?
It's great to say, "It's not about feelings," but at the end of the day, individual spiritual experiences are exactly about that. How does the Bible itself speak of God's presence in the lives of people? It uses phrases such as (paraphrasing the Greek now) "peace that defies intellect," and "prodding of the soul," and "burning in the breast/heart." All of these confirmations that God is in fact interacting in us through the Holy Spirit are manifested in internal, subjective feelings. The manifestations of peace may be displayed in outward contentment, or Spirit granted "power" (as seen in Acts 2) is manifested in boldness to speak the gospel, etc. But I think you'd agree that these outward signs are not proof of God in and of themselves, as they can be inexplicably displayed by serial killers, pagans, the mentally disturbed, or more commonly, by normal everyday people who attribute their boldness, peace, etc. to external events.
So while I agree that faith in God should have very little to do with emotions, the confirmation of a relationship with him is deeply rooted in such emotions. In this, I feel that I had a very long, one-sided relationship in which I sought very hard for such confirmations - conviction, boldness, guidance, etc. But if I'm being completely honest with myself, any time I claimed such supernatural intervention in my life, it was completely manufactured in hopes that it really was of God and not of me. But it always began and ended with me. There's a temptation to say, "Well, you were doing it wrong then," to which I would answer - then why didn't God correct it or show me the way when I confessed that very thing to him repeatedly for years? Asking him to help my unbelief, to show me why none of it was real for me, to fix it? I'm still open to the possibility that I'm wrong, but it's disturbing at the least to think of the many tears I shed in genuine supplication, asking for God to show me, and yet never received a hint of answer, either in my "heart" or in scripture. Am I the vessel made for destruction? What father would give a child a stone when he asks for bread? I begged for it, yet I starved.
Also, I would never pit logic against faith. As I said earlier, I believe the biblical view is that they should work together in matters of salvation. But in real life, often times financial responsibility or simple knowledge of cause/effect tells us to do one thing (save money, invest, don't trust strangers, etc.), faith and biblical president tells us to do another (give all your money to the poor, think not for tomorrow, treat the stranger as a brother). Unfortunately, I often did the latter and it caused irreversible pain to many people, especially my family, who scripture also says is to be my main priority. I'm sure there's a way to balance this, but I share a similar story to many people in "ministry" who have lost everything for the sake of the gospel. That's fine if you want to do it, but I (and others around me) accurately assessed that my sacrifice was reaping zero fruit. I'm not bitter about that, it's just a factual assessment taken over many years.
As for my opinion about atheists prior to de-conversion, that's actually one of the "straws" you spoke of (though I can't point to a single straw that finally "broke me" - this happened gradually over almost 5 years of time, and is in fact still happening now. I'm still weighing evidence, praying, and trying to understand - I'm just not letting it rule my life, and I actually don't think about it much at all anymore. I'm at peace
) I worked part time in a cover band while I was a pastor. The drummer was the only atheist and over time I came to greatly admire his work ethic, compassion, citizenship, self-discipline, and the fact that he was the most genuinely happy and content person I'd ever known. I was jealous of that - he had everything that Jesus was supposed to have been working in me for 25 years. We never talked about religion - it was his "witness" that made me seriously consider that there was something wrong about my worldview. I didn't expect him to be a "bad" person because he was an atheist, no more than I expected Christians to be "good" because they were saved. But his life greatly challenged my perception that man needs God to live a fulfilled life and exhibit Christ-like behavior. Seriously, this single atheist was more Christ-like than anyone I'd ever met in all my years of ministry - across denominational and country lines. It had a huge impact on me and made me start wondering why I, supposedly filled with the Spirit of the living God, could not find the simple peace and love this guy had found from just enjoying life and seizing the day.
Topic: My problem with Christianity (Read 23144 times)
