I had what I think was a self realization today and (here comes to the excuses to post-whore this board) couldn't think of a place where I should share this. I mean, it's not so much lonely heart related and it really isn't depression. So fuck it, new thread yadda yadda yadda.
So let me set this up by stating that this quarter I am taking a video production class at the community college I attend. Now, as some of you might know my passion is in film. I am a certified (probably) film snob and have a fairly wide understanding of film and film theory. Several months ago I decided what I really want to do in the film industry, that being DP (director of photography) work. You know, cinematography. But lately I've kind of hit a brick wall of discouragement. I noticed that a good majority of the people in my class seem to have a pretty decent (if not wider) background in photography and the countless different aspects of it. Well, all this has kind of taken a bit if a hit on my confidence of being behind the camera. I feel like...maybe I'm not as suitable as I thought I was at this whole thing. You know, like when you sing in the shower only to hear complaints afterward from family members, roommates, pets, etc. at how fucking terrible your voice sounds. And it kind of makes me want to reconsider everything in terms of which direction I want to take in film. But my problem is, I feel extremely behind in all the fields I'd like to work in. The only thing I feel I have an exceptional amount of experience in is film theory and film analysis. But how the fuck do you make a career out of that?
And you know this could all just be stressed out Alex talking. But this all leads to the point of what I'm really wanting to vent about.
The inferiority complex. In fact, my inferiority complex.
As defined on Wikipedia:
n inferiority complex, in the fields of psychology and psychoanalysis, is a feeling that one is inferior to others in some way. Such feelings can arise from an imagined or actual inferiority in the afflicted person. It is often subconscious, and is thought to drive afflicted individuals to overcompensate, resulting either in spectacular achievement or extreme schizotypal behavior, or both. Unlike a normal feeling of inferiority, which can act as an incentive for achievement (or promote discouragement), an inferiority complex is an advanced state of discouragement, often embedding itself into one's lifestyle, and sometimes resulting in a retreat from difficulties.
It's weird, I've always considered myself to have an inferiority complex. And it's ever weirder being aware of this state of mind but still not really...doing anything about it. And that's probably because I doubt the fact that I might even have this complex and then I just get myself in this double infinite spiral of self doubt (or it could be apathy, I don't know). But why am I ranting about this? I mean, a few know that I've complained or brought up my low confidence before. And some keep telling me to just flat out "stop it". But I have NO IDEA how. And it's constant hits to my confidence that make it so difficult for me.
And one major problem is I feel like I'm just an...incredibly average human being. If not below average. As if there is no part of me that is exceptionally better, higher, greater, whateverthefuck over those around me. I am learning to play guitar. But the vast majority of people I know who play can easily shit on my playing. I want to both get into DP work and possibly screenplay writing. Once again, just average compared to plenty of people I know or have encountered. These are just two minor examples. These aren't two specific things that bother me the most. I think you get the point. I have never been the best at something or the most ________ guy someone knows. And for some reason this bothers me (my best guess being it ties in with my possible inferiority complex). I mean, I've always just felt average, forgettable and one of those people who just kind of...exist.
And it's not like people are purposely trying to discourage me. I mean, only a small handful of people have flat out told me I'm shit at something. But there is such a sheer lack of positive reinforcement for whatever reason that I just don't feel like I"m doing whatever it is I'm doing at the time correctly. This is pretty particular in my writing, musical ability, sense of humor, etc. And I have no god damn clue why I care so much.
But at the same time, I'm not complaining that "Oh why can't I be a good writer when I never practice or write or whatever". I know that everything takes practice. But I guess I'm just...easily discouraged. I still practice my guitar playing daily, but still feel this looming feeling of "You'll never be good enough like that friend of yours. Jackass". Same goes with my interactions with people. I've always kind of lived in that mindset of "Why the dick should I care what people think about me?", but that really only applies with people I don't know. When it comes to those who I'm close to, I tend to wonder quite often how they would react if suddenly I was gone (albeit an angsty thought, I know), even if I already know or have a good idea. Hence the double infinite spiral of self doubt.
EDIT: And you know, this might be why I sometimes flaunt things such as my CD collection or being the biggest fan of something or being a gigantic film buff. I generally just want...to feel like I have something that someone else necessarily doesn't.
I don't know, that's all I got. Thanks for listening.
tl;dr I never feel good enough. It's a shame I don't often have the drive to be the very best, like no one ever was. Or at least know how.
Topic: Shut up Alex and quit all of this over-analyzing junk (Read 1801 times)