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Offline AndyDT

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Writers' thread
« on: December 06, 2010, 02:37:23 PM »
On a scale of 1 to 10. Rating and thoughts (if you want) are much appreciated, thanks. If it's less than a 10 for you, then please say what it would need to really work for you.

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snipped
« Last Edit: June 13, 2011, 06:43:41 AM by AndyDT »

Offline Ħ

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Re: Please rate my writing
« Reply #1 on: December 06, 2010, 05:07:37 PM »
Pros: good imagery, good vocabulary
Cons: couple grammatical errors, couple run-on sentences

You use more words and phrases than necessary.  You can be imaginitive while still being succinct.

Here's once sentence, for example:

"As they moved to the top of the hill they broke through the low lying mist that covered the flat heathland and could see the vast region within which they had eked out their ongoing livelihood and persisted for weeks with scarcity and hardship."

You have some great words here.  However, I can't breathe since it's such a long sentence, with no breaks at all!  You could throw in a period after "mist" and make it two sentences, at least.
"All great works are prepared in the desert, including the redemption of the world. The precursors, the followers, the Master Himself, all obeyed or have to obey one and the same law. Prophets, apostles, preachers, martyrs, pioneers of knowledge, inspired artists in every art, ordinary men and the Man-God, all pay tribute to loneliness, to the life of silence, to the night." - A. G. Sertillanges

Offline lonestar

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Re: Please rate my writing
« Reply #2 on: December 06, 2010, 05:16:29 PM »
Overall, good.  The one thing I would do is try to incorporate all the senses in your imagery.  It will give it a more living and colorful effect.
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Offline Perpetual Change

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Re: Please rate my writing
« Reply #3 on: December 06, 2010, 06:13:40 PM »
Overall, good.  The one thing I would do is try to incorporate all the senses in your imagery.  It will give it a more living and colorful effect.

This is good. Also, I find it a bit top-heavy and moralizing. Perhaps you ought to show the people over the long term that the wolf isn't throwing up smokescreens rather than just letting everyone know from the getgo.

Offline El Barto

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Re: Please rate my writing
« Reply #4 on: December 06, 2010, 08:15:04 PM »
My concern is similar to Brother H's.  Some of the sentences are so long as to be confusing.  The one that I had singled out was: The wolf would again receive from nature and intuit a way forward with its faculties that were a part of and connected to the same whole and which it had explained to Carl were found too in human in some ways to an even more acute degree of power.   It needs to be broken up a bit.  Too many concepts for one sentence.
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Offline AndyDT

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Re: Please rate my writing
« Reply #5 on: December 07, 2010, 02:39:40 AM »
Very useful comments thanks. I never realised how hard it was to write until I tried. I find it easy to keep repeating words and have had to start learning punctuation. Also, American punctuation can be slightly different from British.

Offline MetalJunkie

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Re: Please rate my writing
« Reply #6 on: December 07, 2010, 02:59:12 AM »
It's good imagery, but like others have said, I think the structure needs a bit of work. It's a bit too descriptive for my tastes, sort of like a contemporary Tolken in that aspect. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, though.
Listen! Do you smell something?

Offline AndyDT

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Re: Please rate my writing
« Reply #7 on: December 07, 2010, 03:25:34 AM »
Thanks. People say "show don't tell" but if you look at old books they're very descriptive as you say so I wonder what's best sometimes.

Offline MetalJunkie

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Re: Please rate my writing
« Reply #8 on: December 07, 2010, 04:01:39 AM »
Thanks. People say "show don't tell" but if you look at old books they're very descriptive as you say so I wonder what's best sometimes.
Whichever you enjoy writing the most.
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Offline Perpetual Change

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Re: Please rate my writing
« Reply #9 on: December 07, 2010, 05:32:08 AM »
Thanks. People say "show don't tell" but if you look at old books they're very descriptive as you say so I wonder what's best sometimes.

This, actually. Write what YOU would want to read. If you do that, other people will inevitably like it too.

Offline AndyDT

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Re: Please rate my writing
« Reply #10 on: December 07, 2010, 06:38:27 AM »
It still has to draw people in with action though don't you think?

Offline Perpetual Change

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Re: Please rate my writing
« Reply #11 on: December 07, 2010, 06:50:55 AM »
Not action in terms of fight scenes or anything, but just scenes in general. If I were you, instead of this...

Quote
He had learnt from his short but unbroken and unforgettable time with the wolf that life could throw obstacles, threats, separation, isolation - even tragedy - in one's path but the wolf had endured and not strayed from its core instinct as one of his kind. The wolf had not betrayed its nature, or invented smokescreens or false ideals such as a self-pitying story that aloneness was its destiny.

...I'd have the main character recall a memory about the wolf the shows how enduring the wolf is. That's just me though.

Offline SixDegrees

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Re: Please rate my writing
« Reply #12 on: December 07, 2010, 06:55:11 AM »
.
« Last Edit: May 04, 2011, 03:54:08 AM by SixDegrees »

Offline SixDegrees

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Re: Please rate my writing
« Reply #13 on: December 07, 2010, 06:58:54 AM »
.
« Last Edit: May 04, 2011, 03:53:47 AM by SixDegrees »

Offline TempusVox

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Re: Please rate my writing
« Reply #14 on: December 07, 2010, 12:41:34 PM »
Sorry....I have to chime in here. This thread reminds me of a trip to the dentist to get a wisdom tooth removed, and the first thing the dentist tells you is to NOT stick your tongue in the hole. But of course, the urge is overwhelming, and you do it anyway. So, as much as I avoid threads like these like the plague.....the urge is overwhelming.

I have been asked dozens of times here, usually by PM, to read or critique peoples work. I always politely decline. I get asked regularly by other people too. Sometimes people send me whole manuscripts in the mail through my publisher; or even worse I get asked by people who know me. I understand why, we all want to know we have created something that others will appreciate. I always refrain for two reasons; the first being that I don't want to crush anyones creative spirit, or upset anyone, and the second is that I don't really have time. I'm too busy with my own work to review someone elses. It would be like a musician working on an album, and they are repeatedly asked to review some other musicians music. Professional musician friends of mine experience this all the time. Fans of theirs send them music to listen to, and while flattering, they don't offer any technical advice for the same reasons I just shared.

The point of all of this is I will impart a couple of tidbits of my own personal practice.

1) I NEVER, and I mean never, let anyone (wife, kid, friends, neighbor, publisher, agent, editor, dog, cat..get the picture?) read any part of any thing I am writing until I am completely satisified and finished with it. EVER. Why? Everyone has an opinion, and everyone is a critic. When you ask someone to read something you have written and to tell you what they think, they hear "Tell me what you might think I've done wrong?"
2) I NEVER write anything with anyone besides myself in mind as the reader. Do not write to impress anyone. That's fake and phony, and boring as hell. Every full-time author that I know who is published, including myself, have all written things that will never get published that we personally like more than some of our published stuff.
3) NEVER write anything with the sole purpose of getting published. Write because you like to write. I have dozens of stories that I have started to write, and have put down because I have lost interest at the moment. There are probably a hundred or so short stories that I have written that didn't start out to be short stories. The story decides where it will go, not me. Write because you like to write. I hear people ALL the time say, "I'd like to write a book someday." Wrong premise. Just write a story. If it becomes a book, great. I write stories, and publish books. Big difference in my opinion.

Anyway, I cringe when I see threads like this. Hope I haven't pissed in anyones Wheaties. While I know everyone who offered an opinion was trying to be helpful, my advice to Andy or anyone who wants to write, is to stick to the three things I just listed, and keep writing. When you've finished the story and want to share, post it and say "Read what I have written." To do otherwise opens yourself up to writing what you think people want to read. Bad mistake.
You don't HAVE a soul.You ARE a soul.You HAVE a body.
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Offline lonestar

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Re: Please rate my writing
« Reply #15 on: December 07, 2010, 12:51:19 PM »
Sorry....I have to chime in here. This thread reminds me of a trip to the dentist to get a wisdom tooth removed, and the first thing the dentist tells you is to NOT stick your tongue in the hole. But of course, the urge is overwhelming, and you do it anyway. So, as much as I avoid threads like these like the plague.....the urge is overwhelming.

I have been asked dozens of times here, usually by PM, to read or critique peoples work. I always politely decline. I get asked regularly by other people too. Sometimes people send me whole manuscripts in the mail through my publisher; or even worse I get asked by people who know me. I understand why, we all want to know we have created something that others will appreciate. I always refrain for two reasons; the first being that I don't want to crush anyones creative spirit, or upset anyone, and the second is that I don't really have time. I'm too busy with my own work to review someone elses. It would be like a musician working on an album, and they are repeatedly asked to review some other musicians music. Professional musician friends of mine experience this all the time. Fans of theirs send them music to listen to, and while flattering, they don't offer any technical advice for the same reasons I just shared.

The point of all of this is I will impart a couple of tidbits of my own personal practice.

1) I NEVER, and I mean never, let anyone (wife, kid, friends, neighbor, publisher, agent, editor, dog, cat..get the picture?) read any part of any thing I am writing until I am completely satisified and finished with it. EVER. Why? Everyone has an opinion, and everyone is a critic. When you ask someone to read something you have written and to tell you what they think, they hear "Tell me what you might think I've done wrong?"
2) I NEVER write anything with anyone besides myself in mind as the reader. Do not write to impress anyone. That's fake and phony, and boring as hell. Every full-time author that I know who is published, including myself, have all written things that will never get published that we personally like more than some of our published stuff.
3) NEVER write anything with the sole purpose of getting published. Write because you like to write. I have dozens of stories that I have started to write, and have put down because I have lost interest at the moment. There are probably a hundred or so short stories that I have written that didn't start out to be short stories. The story decides where it will go, not me. Write because you like to write. I hear people ALL the time say, "I'd like to write a book someday." Wrong premise. Just write a story. If it becomes a book, great. I write stories, and publish books. Big difference in my opinion.

Anyway, I cringe when I see threads like this. Hope I haven't pissed in anyones Wheaties. While I know everyone who offered an opinion was trying to be helpful, my advice to Andy or anyone who wants to write, is to stick to the three things I just listed, and keep writing. When you've finished the story and want to share, post it and say "Read what I have written." To do otherwise opens yourself up to writing what you think people want to read. Bad mistake.
You know bud, we mere mortals do occasionally need our back patted.    Someone looking for a bit of advise, or an atta'boy, is a normal fact of human nature.  If it makes you cringe, don't respond.  I am not one to front a forum argument, but the tone of your post was very harsh. 
Quote from: nightmare_cinema
So should lonestar and I have babies or something now, is that how this works?
Dang, you're easily the coolest fogey I know of

Offline SixDegrees

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Re: Please rate my writing
« Reply #16 on: December 07, 2010, 12:54:00 PM »
.
« Last Edit: May 04, 2011, 03:51:51 AM by SixDegrees »

Offline lonestar

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Re: Please rate my writing
« Reply #17 on: December 07, 2010, 01:03:43 PM »
Agreed.  Most occupations involve a learning period, and the advice of others is the best teacher.  It is very true in my job.  I learn through the teachings of countless chefs before me, and if anyone less talented than me ask for advice, I am more than happy to give it.
Quote from: nightmare_cinema
So should lonestar and I have babies or something now, is that how this works?
Dang, you're easily the coolest fogey I know of

Offline TempusVox

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Re: Please rate my writing
« Reply #18 on: December 07, 2010, 01:44:03 PM »
Obviously, you missed the point. If you write to please other people all the time, you lose perspective, and stifle your own creativity. In the analogy that SixD gave, he sought the advice of a professional. The use of agents, editors and the like. I doubt very much that many people here qualify as an editor, or a literary agent. Again, my post was not meant to piss anyone off. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Including me.

So specifically for Lonestar, I didn't much appreciate your "mere mortal" comment. I never said or implied that I was superior in anyway by my post. I am a writer. I have a great deal of experience and only imparted my own personal opinion. You mentioned you sought out the advice of professional chefs, in essence, people who are qualified to help you get better at your craft. Do you cook because you're passionate about cooking, or because you want to please everyone all the time? If it's the latter, you're probably not much of cook, or at least one that has reached his full potential. If you read my post, I acknowledged that we like to know people appreciate our work, but if we get too hung up on the opinions of others, we lose sight of what is important to ourselves. If you worked your ass off on a goulash, and half way through asked a bunch of random people to taste it and got everything from, "You should bake cakes instead", to "Why did you use so much paprika?", then you run the risk of focusing on what THEY feel is best, and less on the fact that you just like to make goulash, before you had even completed the recipe.  Maybe that was not the best analogy, but as someone who is passionate about my craft, I get a little annoyed when people write to please others. And it's an easy trap to fall into when you illicit advice from strangers, especially early in the process. All I was saying was, don't let that drive be dampened by the opinions of others and let their opinions determine how or what Andy, or anyone else writes. It can kill creativity with a quickness.
« Last Edit: December 07, 2010, 01:52:26 PM by TempusVox »
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Offline SixDegrees

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Re: Please rate my writing
« Reply #19 on: December 07, 2010, 01:51:40 PM »
.
« Last Edit: May 04, 2011, 03:51:27 AM by SixDegrees »

Offline lonestar

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Re: Please rate my writing
« Reply #20 on: December 07, 2010, 01:59:43 PM »
Tempus, I was out of line with the "mortal" thing, and do apologize.  As for what I do, yes, I am passionate about it, but also do it to please people.  Seeing a plate come back, licked clean, gives me great pleasure, and the look on a persons face when they take that first bite, that look of orgasmic culinary delight, is like no other.  I do agree with you about doing it for yourself, but I don't think that a non-professional asking for a touch of input is as out of line as your post stated.  to me, it's just a guy looking for a combo of the old "you did nice, but..."


(BTW, your Huskies going for seven with time running out against my Bears, WTF!!!!)
Quote from: nightmare_cinema
So should lonestar and I have babies or something now, is that how this works?
Dang, you're easily the coolest fogey I know of

Offline TempusVox

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Re: Please rate my writing
« Reply #21 on: December 07, 2010, 02:06:15 PM »
Actually, I got advice from everyone who was better than me (including well-read amateurs). It's hard to find professionals to give you the time of day when you don't have much experience. I did take your point and agree with your post, but feel you only look at the downsides of seeking advice. There are positives as well - or at least, for those of us who are still learning, there are.

In any case, we're cool. Opine away.

I'm totally cool.  :biggrin:

Personally, I feel the best way to become a better writer is to continue to write. Writing is a very personal thing. Just like a musician who creates music. If you were writing a song, and every day, especially in the beginning, asked people what they thought of it, it would be easy to get discouraged, or write their  song, or even ultimately give up. If you kept working at it though each day, you would begin to see the song develop that you liked.  I don't mean as a writer that you can just put random words on paper each day and expect to get better. Good writing is the result of much practice and hard work. This fact should encourage people who want to write: it means that the ability to write well is not a gift that some people are born with, and certainly not a privilege extended to only a few. If you're willing to work, you can improve your writing. As you sharpen your skills, you will gain confidence and enjoy writing more than you did before. Writing is not easy. To me that is far more important to becoming a good writer than asking people to dissect your work. That's all I'm sayin'.  
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Offline TempusVox

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Re: Please rate my writing
« Reply #22 on: December 07, 2010, 02:11:29 PM »
Tempus, I was out of line with the "mortal" thing, and do apologize.  As for what I do, yes, I am passionate about it, but also do it to please people.  Seeing a plate come back, licked clean, gives me great pleasure, and the look on a persons face when they take that first bite, that look of orgasmic culinary delight, is like no other.  I do agree with you about doing it for yourself, but I don't think that a non-professional asking for a touch of input is as out of line as your post stated.  to me, it's just a guy looking for a combo of the old "you did nice, but..."


(BTW, your Huskies going for seven with time running out against my Bears, WTF!!!!)

No worries, I took umbrage, but held no grudge.  :biggrin:

As for the Huskies, what can I say? Sark, has them at .500 when everyone thought they were done awhile back. They've been playing for respectability and it's paid off. They're still a young team, though I hate to lose Locker next season. And, sorry Andy for discussing college football in your thread.  :)
You don't HAVE a soul.You ARE a soul.You HAVE a body.
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Offline ZBomber

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Re: Please rate my writing
« Reply #23 on: December 07, 2010, 02:14:01 PM »
I agree you need to write for yourself... but seeking advice and opinions can't be a bad thing in my opinion. You just need to know how to handle those opinions. You don't have to adjust your writing to every piece of advice you get, but getting some feedback on your writing can be a very helpful thing. You just have to keep a healthy perspective on it and remember they are just opinions... but sometimes we need other people to help us see what we might not be able to see by ourselves.

Just my two cents...

Offline lonestar

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Re: Please rate my writing
« Reply #24 on: December 07, 2010, 02:43:52 PM »
Tempus, I was out of line with the "mortal" thing, and do apologize.  As for what I do, yes, I am passionate about it, but also do it to please people.  Seeing a plate come back, licked clean, gives me great pleasure, and the look on a persons face when they take that first bite, that look of orgasmic culinary delight, is like no other.  I do agree with you about doing it for yourself, but I don't think that a non-professional asking for a touch of input is as out of line as your post stated.  to me, it's just a guy looking for a combo of the old "you did nice, but..."


(BTW, your Huskies going for seven with time running out against my Bears, WTF!!!!)

No worries, I took umbrage, but held no grudge.  :biggrin:

As for the Huskies, what can I say? Sark, has them at .500 when everyone thought they were done awhile back. They've been playing for respectability and it's paid off. They're still a young team, though I hate to lose Locker next season. And, sorry Andy for discussing college football in your thread.  :)
*looks up umbrage in dictionary* :biggrin:
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So should lonestar and I have babies or something now, is that how this works?
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Offline Ħ

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Re: Please rate my writing
« Reply #25 on: December 07, 2010, 07:43:38 PM »
As humans, we develop both through individual strife and guidance from outsiders.  As a people, we grow over time, because information and skill is passed down.  To refrain from teaching another person how to do something if you are qualified is to refrain from helping to progress humanity.  Imagine if it was illegal to teach a musical instrument, or critique another person's playing.  That's exactly what this is like.
"All great works are prepared in the desert, including the redemption of the world. The precursors, the followers, the Master Himself, all obeyed or have to obey one and the same law. Prophets, apostles, preachers, martyrs, pioneers of knowledge, inspired artists in every art, ordinary men and the Man-God, all pay tribute to loneliness, to the life of silence, to the night." - A. G. Sertillanges

Offline Super Dude

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Re: Please rate my writing
« Reply #26 on: December 07, 2010, 07:44:30 PM »
I love British writers. :D
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Offline Super Dude

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Re: Please rate my writing
« Reply #27 on: December 07, 2010, 07:49:18 PM »
Sorry....I have to chime in here. This thread reminds me of a trip to the dentist to get a wisdom tooth removed, and the first thing the dentist tells you is to NOT stick your tongue in the hole. But of course, the urge is overwhelming, and you do it anyway. So, as much as I avoid threads like these like the plague.....the urge is overwhelming.

I have been asked dozens of times here, usually by PM, to read or critique peoples work. I always politely decline. I get asked regularly by other people too. Sometimes people send me whole manuscripts in the mail through my publisher; or even worse I get asked by people who know me. I understand why, we all want to know we have created something that others will appreciate. I always refrain for two reasons; the first being that I don't want to crush anyones creative spirit, or upset anyone, and the second is that I don't really have time. I'm too busy with my own work to review someone elses. It would be like a musician working on an album, and they are repeatedly asked to review some other musicians music. Professional musician friends of mine experience this all the time. Fans of theirs send them music to listen to, and while flattering, they don't offer any technical advice for the same reasons I just shared.

The point of all of this is I will impart a couple of tidbits of my own personal practice.

1) I NEVER, and I mean never, let anyone (wife, kid, friends, neighbor, publisher, agent, editor, dog, cat..get the picture?) read any part of any thing I am writing until I am completely satisified and finished with it. EVER. Why? Everyone has an opinion, and everyone is a critic. When you ask someone to read something you have written and to tell you what they think, they hear "Tell me what you might think I've done wrong?"
2) I NEVER write anything with anyone besides myself in mind as the reader. Do not write to impress anyone. That's fake and phony, and boring as hell. Every full-time author that I know who is published, including myself, have all written things that will never get published that we personally like more than some of our published stuff.
3) NEVER write anything with the sole purpose of getting published. Write because you like to write. I have dozens of stories that I have started to write, and have put down because I have lost interest at the moment. There are probably a hundred or so short stories that I have written that didn't start out to be short stories. The story decides where it will go, not me. Write because you like to write. I hear people ALL the time say, "I'd like to write a book someday." Wrong premise. Just write a story. If it becomes a book, great. I write stories, and publish books. Big difference in my opinion.

Anyway, I cringe when I see threads like this. Hope I haven't pissed in anyones Wheaties. While I know everyone who offered an opinion was trying to be helpful, my advice to Andy or anyone who wants to write, is to stick to the three things I just listed, and keep writing. When you've finished the story and want to share, post it and say "Read what I have written." To do otherwise opens yourself up to writing what you think people want to read. Bad mistake.

Also, great post.  I REALLY wish I could find out who you are 'cause I totally wanna take one of your books for a spin. :biggrin: As a fellow writer (although obviously on the amateur end of things), I would find it to be a fun and informative experience.
Check out my blog!
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Offline Perpetual Change

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Re: Please rate my writing
« Reply #28 on: December 07, 2010, 08:02:51 PM »
Good writing is all about good editing. If you can edit yourself, you'll be all the better for it. I realize some writers get paid to churn out 400 pages of poorly written, half-plagiarized crap about Dungeons and Dragons or Star Wars, but not everyone has an anonymous editor-slave to make their work presentable. Of course, if you can write 4 shitty novels a year one of them is bound to get accepted somewhere, so that's always an option. But I feel writing is more enjoyable for me when I work on something that I feel is really worth doing, even if it means I spend tens of hours per page.

Also, have a circle of writers you talk to and meet with somewhat frequently. I find that helps a lot. That said, if anyone here at DTF wants to start a private writers group, I'd be down.

Quote
I REALLY wish I could find out who you are 'cause I totally wanna take one of your books for a spin.

But what if he's James Frey  :P

Offline Super Dude

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Re: Please rate my writing
« Reply #29 on: December 07, 2010, 08:04:18 PM »
Granted I feel like one has to put some shit out at least to build a portfolio, and so you have an assurance that things you write will get published.  All the while I will work on my magnum opus. :)
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Offline AndyDT

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Re: Please rate my writing
« Reply #30 on: December 07, 2010, 11:30:24 PM »
Sorry....I have to chime in here. This thread reminds me of a trip to the dentist to get a wisdom tooth removed, and the first thing the dentist tells you is to NOT stick your tongue in the hole. But of course, the urge is overwhelming, and you do it anyway. So, as much as I avoid threads like these like the plague.....the urge is overwhelming.

I have been asked dozens of times here, usually by PM, to read or critique peoples work. I always politely decline. I get asked regularly by other people too. Sometimes people send me whole manuscripts in the mail through my publisher; or even worse I get asked by people who know me. I understand why, we all want to know we have created something that others will appreciate. I always refrain for two reasons; the first being that I don't want to crush anyones creative spirit, or upset anyone, and the second is that I don't really have time. I'm too busy with my own work to review someone elses. It would be like a musician working on an album, and they are repeatedly asked to review some other musicians music. Professional musician friends of mine experience this all the time. Fans of theirs send them music to listen to, and while flattering, they don't offer any technical advice for the same reasons I just shared.

The point of all of this is I will impart a couple of tidbits of my own personal practice.

1) I NEVER, and I mean never, let anyone (wife, kid, friends, neighbor, publisher, agent, editor, dog, cat..get the picture?) read any part of any thing I am writing until I am completely satisified and finished with it. EVER. Why? Everyone has an opinion, and everyone is a critic. When you ask someone to read something you have written and to tell you what they think, they hear "Tell me what you might think I've done wrong?"
2) I NEVER write anything with anyone besides myself in mind as the reader. Do not write to impress anyone. That's fake and phony, and boring as hell. Every full-time author that I know who is published, including myself, have all written things that will never get published that we personally like more than some of our published stuff.
3) NEVER write anything with the sole purpose of getting published. Write because you like to write. I have dozens of stories that I have started to write, and have put down because I have lost interest at the moment. There are probably a hundred or so short stories that I have written that didn't start out to be short stories. The story decides where it will go, not me. Write because you like to write. I hear people ALL the time say, "I'd like to write a book someday." Wrong premise. Just write a story. If it becomes a book, great. I write stories, and publish books. Big difference in my opinion.

Anyway, I cringe when I see threads like this. Hope I haven't pissed in anyones Wheaties. While I know everyone who offered an opinion was trying to be helpful, my advice to Andy or anyone who wants to write, is to stick to the three things I just listed, and keep writing. When you've finished the story and want to share, post it and say "Read what I have written." To do otherwise opens yourself up to writing what you think people want to read. Bad mistake.

I value the feedback and people have been very helpful. The story is already finished. I asked you for feedback and said I can understand you being too busy to offer anything.

Offline MetalJunkie

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Re: Please rate my writing
« Reply #31 on: December 08, 2010, 12:48:58 AM »
Rather than start a new thread, I figured I'd just post it here. This is a very short "story" I wrote after getting off work today.

My Walk
Quote
It's said that every cloud has a silver lining. I think for most of us, this is true. Sometimes, I think, you just have to look a little harder for that silver lining.

My cloud happens to be a transmission that I can't afford to replace. The silver lining is my walk to work. I've been walking to work for several weeks now, often agitated by both the time it takes out of my schedule and by the lack of climate control. Every day is the same. Make it to the first stop light. Wait for the “walk” light to appear on the pole, then rush to cross the street. Make it to the stop sign, to the next light, and the next, and so on.

Today was different. Today, I paid attention.

For the past few weeks, I was so encumbered by the weight of my situation that I never took advantage of the fact that the world slowed down. Today, I began my walk as any other day. Perhaps it was to alleviate the usual feeling of repetition that my mind veered from its usual course.

I left my house and began to make my way down my street. I noticed things I had never bothered to care about. No - I didn't just notice them... I began to appreciate them. I saw the withered leaves losing their grasp from the trees they had known for so long. I saw dogs in their yards, burrowing into the ground, hoping to finally catch that elusive gopher. I saw my neighbors enjoying both their days off and each others' company.

I turned onto the busier street in town and noticed other things, as well. I saw the bustling flow of traffic. I saw drivers honking at each other because of the minor inconvenience of waiting more than a second at an intersection. I saw people who, through the wonder of automobiles, forgot about those things I was enjoying – those things that I had also enjoyed in my childhood. It was as if my attention to the smaller things in life was connecting me to that time that I yearn for so much.

When I was a teenager, I would be irritated by my grandparent's refusal to drive “five over” on the highway. I couldn't grasp the concept that they were “enjoying the drive.” Now, in my adulthood, I feel like I am connected to them, much like being awed by these little things connected me to my early childhood.

Today, during my walk, I became part of the world, rather than hurrying through it. It terrifies me to think that growing up is forgetting about everything between points A and B. You see, when the world consists only of destinations, the world has nothing to offer.
Listen! Do you smell something?

Offline Ħ

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Re: Please rate my writing
« Reply #32 on: December 08, 2010, 01:31:10 AM »
You're a pretty good writer, Guitarded.  I especially liked:
Quote
Today was different. Today, I paid attention.
A whole paragraph comprising two itty bitty sentences.  Conciseness is very powerful, and something many amateur writers either forget about or look past.
"All great works are prepared in the desert, including the redemption of the world. The precursors, the followers, the Master Himself, all obeyed or have to obey one and the same law. Prophets, apostles, preachers, martyrs, pioneers of knowledge, inspired artists in every art, ordinary men and the Man-God, all pay tribute to loneliness, to the life of silence, to the night." - A. G. Sertillanges

Offline MetalJunkie

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Re: Please rate my writing
« Reply #33 on: December 08, 2010, 01:33:27 AM »
You're a pretty good writer, Guitarded.  I especially liked:
Quote
Today was different. Today, I paid attention.
A whole paragraph comprising two itty bitty sentences.  Conciseness is very powerful, and something many amateur writers either forget about or look past.
I used to (especially in high school, because standards are so strict) get hung up on structure and what is deemed acceptable. Finally, I figured out "Fuck it, it's my story, I'll do it my way." I guess stuff like the aforementioned paragraph just kind of came with that.
Listen! Do you smell something?

Offline SixDegrees

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Re: Please rate my writing
« Reply #34 on: December 08, 2010, 01:54:45 AM »
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« Last Edit: May 04, 2011, 03:50:51 AM by SixDegrees »