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General => General Discussion => Topic started by: Phoenix87x on March 14, 2018, 12:08:36 PM
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I think a lot about relationships. There's few people I trust more than you guys when it comes to asking questions about this kind of stuff, so I wanted to get some feedback about what you all have experienced.
Are you currently married and how do you like it? Is it everything you were expecting? What types of things do you like about it and what things bother you about being married?
Have you ever had to go through a divorce? What happened? Were you treated fairly in family court? what should a young person expect if ever faced with divorce?
Were you married, but now are single? If so, do you want to get back in to a long term relationship, or do you just like being single now, after having experienced being married/engaged or long term relationship or whatever.
If you re-married, is it working out better than the first marriage or worse? Are there things you learned from the first marriage that are helping the current marriage more successful?
I would love to hear your story, even if it doesn't specifically fit any of those molds.
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Single, never married. In my case a function of two separate qualities. I'm somewhat selfish, and I'm quite comfortable in my own company. I've shacked up in the past and definitely saw the advantages, waking up every morning next a naked girl really rocks and sharing the expenses is certainly nice, but I also saw the disadvantages. I spent a great deal of time doing things I didn't want to. I suppose the argument could be made that I just never lived with the right woman, this is certainly true, but knowing I'm something of a weird fuck it seems unlikely to change. In the meantime I love my privacy and have no need to share expenses in my current situation. It's always seemed to me that some people just aren't cut out to be alone and others are. I'm lucky to be in the loner group, IMO. I can go either direction.
When this discussion comes up the story I always fall back on is a visit to Versailles. I'm standing in a crowded alcove waiting to take a picture of some dead frog's parlor. There are about 8 of us all waiting our turn. One kid is there, I put him at 22 years old and from the South, quite possibly Texas. His SO (I'd bet every cent I had they're on their honeymoon) turns up and tells him she's ready to move on to the next area. He nods and keeps waiting for his opportunity and within a minute she comes back and says "COME ON, IT'S TIME TO GO," tugging on his jacket. The look on this sorry bastard's face as he gave up his spot and walked away just burned into my brain. It was the look of a guy who is suddenly realizing that he's supposed to spend the rest of his life on somebody else's terms. It was terrifying. I felt sorry for him, and I'm pretty confident I had a much better time in Europe for a fraction of the cost, and even got laid more than his newly married ass did. He fucked up.
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I was engaged and in a 9 year relationship that I ended some years ago now. It wasn't a divorce, but we owned a house together and had a shared bank account that lead to a nasty end. Still not a divorce, but wasn't very pretty and although the break up itself was fairly civil, the part of actually breaking off what we shared was really messy and difficult with emotions flying wild on both sides. Easily the toughest time in my life. I've now been with my gf for a year and really happy with our relationship. We started dating on the premise that I may never marry her and I don't have any interest in having kids. I had to let her know my previous relationship really soured me on the idea of marriage and I've always been on the no kids viewpoint, but the two of us are really strong together so who knows. I'm just happy to be in a much better place.
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This June will be 13 years of marriage for me. We started having children right out of the gate so it was a quick introduction to essentially giving up your independence so to speak and entering in to a world of 'it's not all about me'. Early on I struggled with the realization of the expectations and responsibilities of marriage and fatherhood as I am a pretty selfish person who had become accustomed to getting what he wanted.
But, I can say that the progression I've made as a person would not have happened had I been single or not had children. It's a cliche at this point but my wife does truly inspire me to be a better person and being the Father of three boys I work as hard as I can to try and make sure I don't raise three jerks. As I grow in both being a husband and Father I realize how important it is to be 'good' at both....especially being a Father so I use that sense of duty as fuel so to speak to not fail my kiddos and wife. Sometimes that creates a pressure that may not be there if I wouldn't look at it like that but for the most part it keeps me focused.
But I have no real horror stories of marriage....I feel quite blessed with the woman I married. She is probably one of the most caring people I've ever known and with her being a Special School District teacher.....she puts up with my crap pretty good. :lol I listen to buddies of mine or neighbors and hear stories about the way other men view their wives and how much they hate being married and what not and I honestly cannot relate to it.
Again, it's a cliche but the couple rough patches we've had in our marriage all stemmed around a lack of communication. If you get caught in a cycle of not discussing whatever the issue is that's bothering you or whatever....and you just sit and brew and stew in your own mind....that's just gonna keep compounding and lead to an imagined resentment and keep the issue festering and brewing when the root of all the fuss in the first place was probably a very small issue that could have been solved had you been communicating well. Staying in communication with one another is key IMO, especially if you are raising kids together.
Raising children can be a large source of stress on a marriage and I think that's been the crux of any of the issues we've had. There are times that you really just feel like roommates. We have three sons that are active in varying sports/events etc and there are times when every night of the week there may be something we need to go to. If you throw a few back to back weeks in there where you're literally only speaking to your spouse for thirty minutes a day....that's when the communication can break down and problems can arise. Marriage, like parenting is an effort and no one said it was going to be easy. It really does take two willing parties to work at it.
Sure there are moments when I think to myself...."I could just be doing my own thing without a care in the world" but I know that would not satisfy me. We are pretty good with one another when it comes to taking 'breaks' and spending time with friends so that we can get away and decompress a bit and we both have hobbies and activities that allow us 'me' time. I take a couple trips a year with buddies....fishing and hunting and hiking and quite honestly a couple days into those instances I'm usually missing my family anyway. She does the same as well spending some weekends with friends and her sisters and going out to dinner with her close friends. I think to keep a healthy relationship going you HAVE to have some time to yourself....you can't neglect that need because i think we all need it.
My opinion is you get out of marriage what you put into it, at least that's what my experience has been up to this point.
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I'm single and love it. Part of it is that I've already experienced what it's like to be in love. It's wonderful. But, I've experienced it, and don't want to experience it again. I dislike having to go through the emotional roller coaster of a breakup with someone whose company you cherish so much that I'm willing to miss out on it again - but also, I feel no need to, having gone through it once. That was a lifetime of lessons in a two and a half year stint.
The other, bigger part, is that I am simply too selfish for it, and have no problem admitting it these days. I get exhausted, socially, very quickly, even around my best friends. I enjoy the Internet because I can measure my words exactly how I wish, and honestly, being in a rural area, I don't have many friends who like what I like, even if we enjoy each other's company. I simply want to come home from work and do me. All of the things I enjoy doing are solitary activities. I don't even enjoy playing instruments in front of people. And, as selfish and materialistic as it sounds, I would rather focus on those things that make me happy, that pertain to my interests, than invest in another person so deeply.
I've also watched my best friend turn into a husk of the guy we used to enjoy hanging around since his leech of a wife came around. Sigh. No offense to married couples (my parents are still together, thankfully - not many of those among my friends), but sometimes it really changes people, and - selfishly, I admit - for the worse. I miss my friend.
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23 years married. I think the hard part about marriage is balance. You can't always be about yourself yet you still have to have independence. So how do you do that? Talk early on. Find out each other likes. At some point you have to do things that you won't like for the sake of making the other happy. On the other hand don't choke each other to death. She wants to see her friends, let her. He wants to have a man weekend camping and drinking let him, then do other things together.
People tend to put themselves first when in a relationship it should be a mix. Don't let it go unspoken.
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23 years married. I think the hard part about marriage is balance. You can't always be about yourself yet you still have to have independence. So how do you do that? Talk early on. find out each other likes. At some point you have to do things that you wont like for the sake of making the other happy. On the other hand don't choke each other to death. She wants to see her friends, let her. He wants to have a man weekend camping and drinking let him, then do other things together.
People tend to put themselves first when in a relationship it should be a mix. Don't let it go unspoken.
Great post Joe :tup
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I'm on wife #3. All signs are pointing towards my getting it right this time around. Will post more as time allows.
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Married since 2009, first wife, and last one. Two kids, almost 7 and 6 months. Sometimes I struggle with my happiness, but I have since I was in school, and it generally isn't tied to my marriage at all. I do not have many friends outside my marriage, but I doubt I would if I was single. It definitely helps financially too since I have never been able to make much money, and my wife, while not wealthy, has a solid job, income, and pension plan.
My thoughts on my marriage are too complex to write up here, but being a dad is pretty much the best thing that has ever happened to me.
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Single, never married and never will marry. Outdated ritualistic tradition. It's like making your prison official. But well.. it is only one way of looking at it.
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I'm 50. I'm married now, one child, three step children, and was in a previous marriage. I got married the first time at about 31, had my child around 33, got divorced around 46 or so. Remarried two years ago to a wonderful woman.
King's got it right, I think. It's about "balance", but I would add that that happens when you are "being honest with yourself". I scoff - a little - at the non-married people calling it "prison". Even at the worst times of my first marriage - and there were "worst" times - it was never "prison". Life is about obligations, we all have them (be it work, family, marriage) so if you're honest about what you signed up for there shouldn't be any issue. Just like I'm not going to try to tell el Barto that "having a kid changes you; you'll love it!" I won't say that about marriage, but FOR ME, both did change me, and for the better.
One of the things that ought to be discussed is the notion of "change". I can't speak for anyone else, but I don't WANT to be the same dick I was when I was 21. I WANT to change, to grow, to be better. When you have two people living closely in a relationship, you both will be changing, growing, and trying to be better. Sometimes that leads to people growing apart. That's essentially how my first marriage ended, broad strokes, even if there were specific events in between that triggered change. She'll say this, so I'm not throwing her under the bus, but my first wife changed. She went from a cute, "local girl", content with her local job and doing things like boating and going to concerts, to a woman who wanted to travel, wanted to climb the corporate ladder, and wanted to live the life that goes along with that. She was less than faithful - not happy with that, but I understand it - and now is married to a guy that is essentially me - not quite as smart, not quite as good looking, but with a much bigger bank account - and that's what she wants. God bless her (seriously).
My current wife is wonderful. She IS a local girl, not really interested in climbing the corporate ladder. She has three kids (24, 19, and 10), was a beauty pageant winner (Miss Teen [her state]) and still looks the part, EASILY 10 years younger than her age. We have our issues - she is NOT a communicator, something I also understand from her first marriage - but we work on it. Our communication is essentially me asking questions, which has it's problems (if you don't ask the right questions, some things don't get shared...) but we deal with it. Her 10 year old has autism, and can be a handful, but we're making progress. Honestly, I have more issue with the ex's - hers and mine - than with anything in the marriage, but it is what it is.
I had a period in between marriages, and it was good - decent looking guy, will talk to anyone at any time, fair amount of disposable income - but it wasn't comfortable. I don't have the constitution to just add notches to my bed-post. I never really did, but having a daughter sort of reinforced that. I get it, women are capable of making their own decisions, but my experience is that people AREN'T as honest with themselves as we'd like them to be, and at almost 50 I was less thrilled with the idea of a psycho ex-lover than I was with the idea of the so-called "down sides" of being married. So I couldn't fuck anyone I wanted when I wanted; I probably wasn't going to be able to do that anyway. She does let me do my thing - we talked about that before we were married - so when Maiden or Shattered Fortress or Michael Schenker came to town, it was understood I was going down to NYC early, spending some time at McSorley's, meeting up with some buddies and going to the show. Her thing? Don't drink all day and try to drive back to Hartford at 3:00 am.
Last thought: it might seem semantics to some, but I don't at all feel I've given up my independence. I'm still me. What I have given up is unlimited choices. My palate of who I get to sleep with is much shorter. Pick a day, any day: next Tuesday. Next Tuesday, my options are somewhat less than what they might have been was I single. They WILL NOT include a hooker and a bag of coke, but then again, they will include having a home cooked meal with my family, and sitting on a couch with a beautiful woman watching TV shows I like. The latter would have been higher on my list had I been single, anyway, so I don't feel I'm compromising much or giving much up. That's me. You are free to make your own value decisions.
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Stadler, I can't begin to tell you how much of what you posted applies to me. I'll post when I get a chance, but I totally get what you said. A lot of it is so close to my life.
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I, too, want to change... into a nice pair of PJs after work, with a beer, and be quiet until I go into work the next morning. Yeah, man. Party on. :lol
Great post, Stadler, and I understand a lot of what you say even though I don't see it that way myself.
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I, too, want to change... into a nice pair of PJs after work, with a beer, and be quiet until I go into work the next morning. Yeah, man. Party on. :lol
Great post, Stadler, and I understand a lot of what you say even though I don't see it that way myself.
I do that even with my wife there. :lol
I'll be talking to her and I look over and she's out.
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I, too, want to change... into a nice pair of PJs after work, with a beer, and be quiet until I go into work the next morning. Yeah, man. Party on. :lol
Great post, Stadler, and I understand a lot of what you say even though I don't see it that way myself.
I do that even with my wife there. :lol
I'll be talking to her and I look over and she's out.
Well, I wrote "...and sitting on a couch with a beautiful woman watching TV shows I like." and I should have written "...and sitting on a couch with a beautiful woman who's sleeping while I'm watching TV shows I like."
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No time to read everything or post response to OP, but wanted to post so I remember to come back to this.
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Married almost 19 years now.
We met in High School and started dating Sophomore year. I was 16 and she was 15. In total, we have been together 25 years now.
2 kids, 17 year old daughter and a 14 year old son.
Nothing really worked out the way we planned. Childcare was so expensive that my wife had to do the stay-at-home Mom thing. We live mostly paycheck to paycheck and have been on maybe 5 vacations our entire married life.
Our entire marriage has been dominated by healthcare problems. Shortly after my son was born my wife attempted suicide and was placed in a psychiatric ward. The first of many, many inpatient stays. Turns out she is bipolar. That is a rollercoaster that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
My major medical issue came 10 years ago on the day we were moving into our first house. Was going to clean out my storage unit and got hit head-on by an 81 year old driver at high speed. Shattered my right femur and my left ankle. Also fractured my right wrist. I was hospitalized for a month and half and was confined to a wheelchair for several months. I guess my wife proved her love for me at that point as I had to use a commode to do my business since I could not get into a bathroom. She then had to empty and clean it. Many women told her that they would have left their husbands if they had to to that. She was appalled by that. Makes me feel good.
My son is autistic and leans towards Asperger's. He also is dealing with seizure issues and severe motor coordination deficiency. Still can't even ride a bike. He is high honor role in middle school and is ridiculously smart. Currently, he might have a hip impingement that will require surgery.
My daughter, whoa boy. Major anxiety, extreme self-harm, drug use, suicide attempt, and borderline personality disorder. Has also had several stays in the psych ward. I'll just say this, I have dropped probably in excess of $10K in therapy and other help to get her straightened out. Currently, I think she is in a really good place. She is also ridiculously smart and barely has to try to get good grades. Her suicide attempt happened while my wife was away and I was alone with her and my son. I knew she was in a bad place at the time and was scared to go to bed that night. That one scarred me good. I'll never get over it.
Those are just the big health issues. My wife and daughter are also dealing with other things that require frequent doctor visits. It never ends, but is way more manageable. It also helps that I work for Northwestern Medicine. I have quite a good health plan.
Right now, my wife and I are starting to slowly enjoy life again. The kids are practically grown (and mainly healthy) and we can start to have date nights again and not have to worry about the kids. We are both 41 and are really looking forward to this upcoming phase of our lives. Oh, we are both still madly in love with each even after 25 years. I can't see myself with anyone else.
I'm an intensely private person that really struggles with sharing or even talking. That is not a good trait to have in a relationship. It's something I still struggle with. Thankfully, I have a woman that gets me. It bothers her, but she sort of understands. Learning about our son's autism helped with that. Pretty sure I am in that same boat as him.
Best thing about being married, my wife lets me display my massive CD collection in the living room. Don't know if too many women would be that cool. ;D
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Married just under a year, don't want kids. Just dogs please. I can sort of dimly grasp why some people feel children improve their lives, but I know myself well enough to know it wouldn't apply to me, and that there's about a 3% chance I'd be a good dad. Plus there are too many damn people on the planet as it is
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My son is autistic and leans towards Asperger's. He also is dealing with seizure issues and severe motor coordination deficiency. Still can't even ride a bike. He is high honor role in middle school and is ridiculously smart. Currently, he might have a hip impingement that will require surgery.
That's my son (yes, that's what I call him). He is easily the smartest person in our house (and both my daughter and I are no slouches), and so it's almost a personal challenge for me to make sure he gets every opportunity he can. Companies like GE and Sikorsky and NASA (not a company, I know) pay guys like him amazing salaries to tap into their somewhat singular brains, and I would love for him to have that chance. He's a handful for various reasons (not least of which, with his sensory processing disorder, he in moments of stress will strip to his tighty-whitey's and wrap himself in a furry blanket) but he has so much to offer all of us.
I'm an intensely private person that really struggles with sharing or even talking. That is not a good trait to have in a relationship. It's something I still struggle with. Thankfully, I have a woman that gets me. It bothers her, but she sort of understands. Learning about our son's autism helped with that. Pretty sure I am in that same boat as him.
Nothing personal here, and not directed at you in any way, but your thought triggered something with me: it's amazing as I get older to see how our kids are in many ways versions of ourselves. It doesn't always manifest itself obviously, but if I'm being honest with myself, and with my wife, all our four kids are chips off their respective parental blocks in one form or another.
Best thing about being married, my wife lets me display my massive CD collection in the living room. Don't know if too many women would be that cool. ;D
Damn you; mine got relegated to my basement office (though she did let me hang my guitars in the living room as decoration when they're not being played).
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In a relationship, but not married. Things go back to my parents, who divorced when I was only a few years old. I will say I always had a nice enough childhood with either of them, but never understood how things shook out legally between them. Yes, I know now that there are so many things that went into this, but at the end of the day I grew up knowing my father was paying large sums of money to my mother in effect for her to have me most of the time. There are other cases in my family, and the underlying theme is that in this state men tend to get destroyed in any case of divorce. This has always given me great issues on the subject, and so even coming up on seven years together I don't want to go down that road. I feel like if I had a magical perfect relationship I could get over it, but like with any there are of course issues, and any time they come it it squashes any thoughts I might have on the subject.
We do now, for 1.5 years have a house together, but aside from the house being in both our names we keep all finances separate, and signed an agreement on how the house would be split in the case of a separation. And if I ever did get married that would get rolled into a prenup then. Essentially how we work it is this, she gives me $500 per month to cover 30% of monthly expenses such as the mortgage, utilities, etc. But to simplify our other purchases we just run a google sheet whenever purchases for both of us are made. For example, the sheet starts the month showing she owes me $500, but if she goes out and buys $100 of groceries, it adjusts and then shows she'll only owe me $430 at the end of the month, as I would be responsible for $70 of those groceries. This keeps going all month, and because every dollar she spends takes a big hit against the total, and because she buys most of the food and cat stuff, at the end of the month she typically only gives me $100-$200 as a straight up check.
And in the case of a separation we'd pay along the split for someone to come in and evaluate the value of the house, and determine how much equity was put into it under our ownership. I have first option to pay her 30% of that to keep the house, and she has next option to pay me 70% of it to keep it. If neither of us is able the house gets sold and any profit from that is split 70/30.
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I'm an intensely private person that really struggles with sharing or even talking. That is not a good trait to have in a relationship. It's something I still struggle with. Thankfully, I have a woman that gets me. It bothers her, but she sort of understands. Learning about our son's autism helped with that. Pretty sure I am in that same boat as him.
Nothing personal here, and not directed at you in any way, but your thought triggered something with me: it's amazing as I get older to see how our kids are in many ways versions of ourselves. It doesn't always manifest itself obviously, but if I'm being honest with myself, and with my wife, all our four kids are chips off their respective parental blocks in one form or another.
Absolutely. I saw things in him pretty early that reminded me of myself. There are ways in which I handle social situations that I know are wrong but I can't bring myself to alter my behavior. Social behavior has always been a problem. Case in point, I'll see someone in the store that I have known for years and my first instinct is to run away so as not to be seen by them for fear I will have to enter in a conversation. I saw these social ticks in him and really didn't want him to end up like me. Turns out, he is actually worse than me.
Of course, the things that I want him to be like me in, he's not. I'm a sports nut, he hates sports. I love music, he really doesn't seem to care much.
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I will be married 23 years come September. I still love my wife very much. Marriage is hard work and unless you recognize that your an asshole and greatly flawed you may not recognize that your spouse isn't perfect either. That's how you get through marriage. Its realizing that life is going to deal you some fucked up shit every year and you need to find a way to get through it and come out stronger having gone through it.
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I've been married 11 years. 3 sons, ages 2, 6, and 9.
Starting with the good: Being married is mostly awesome. I can honestly say I'm still very much in love with my wife. I cannot possibly imagine not being with her for the rest of my life. We make a good team most of the time and are usually on the same page as each other or at least understands each other's views on things. Other than some fun money we each get every month, our finances are 100% combined. There is no mine and hers and I honestly cant imagine doing it any other way. I adore my boys. They are amazing and funny and regularly make me nearly burst with joy and love.
The bad: Being a parent to three young boys is a lot of work. My wife tries to be super mom and homeschools our oldest 2. She does a great job, but it's stressful, which bleeds into our relationship and interactions with each other. I hate to say the kids are what put the most strain on our relationship, but they totally do. Neither of us feels like we get enough me time nor do we get enough time together. My biggest struggle right now is that I often just don't want to have to do all the work that goes along with having a family. I just want to be lazy with my wife a lot of the time, but that can't happen and that makes me sad sometimes.
I'm really big on frugal living and saving for financial freedom. My goal is to be financially independent when my youngest is done with college (only 21 more years!). At that point my wife and I will honestly be able to do whatever the hell we want with our time after 25 years of our lives revolving around our kids. We'll probably still work to some extent, but will be able to travel and do fun stuff more often.
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In a relationship, but not married. Things go back to my parents, who divorced when I was only a few years old. I will say I always had a nice enough childhood with either of them, but never understood how things shook out legally between them. Yes, I know now that there are so many things that went into this, but at the end of the day I grew up knowing my father was paying large sums of money to my mother in effect for her to have me most of the time. There are other cases in my family, and the underlying theme is that in this state men tend to get destroyed in any case of divorce. This has always given me great issues on the subject, and so even coming up on seven years together I don't want to go down that road. I feel like if I had a magical perfect relationship I could get over it, but like with any there are of course issues, and any time they come it it squashes any thoughts I might have on the subject.
We do now, for 1.5 years have a house together, but aside from the house being in both our names we keep all finances separate, and signed an agreement on how the house would be split in the case of a separation. And if I ever did get married that would get rolled into a prenup then. Essentially how we work it is this, she gives me $500 per month to cover 30% of monthly expenses such as the mortgage, utilities, etc. But to simplify our other purchases we just run a google sheet whenever purchases for both of us are made. For example, the sheet starts the month showing she owes me $500, but if she goes out and buys $100 of groceries, it adjusts and then shows she'll only owe me $430 at the end of the month, as I would be responsible for $70 of those groceries. This keeps going all month, and because every dollar she spends takes a big hit against the total, and because she buys most of the food and cat stuff, at the end of the month she typically only gives me $100-$200 as a straight up check.
And in the case of a separation we'd pay along the split for someone to come in and evaluate the value of the house, and determine how much equity was put into it under our ownership. I have first option to pay her 30% of that to keep the house, and she has next option to pay me 70% of it to keep it. If neither of us is able the house gets sold and any profit from that is split 70/30.
Not really my bidniss, but curiosity killed the cat, so... how did you get to "70/30"?
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I've been married for a little more than 13 years. We have four girls, ages 12, 9, 8 and 6. Obviously having four kids can be very stressful but my wife and I both have parents who live in town, are retired, fairly young (early/mid 60's) and healthy. We're very lucky that they help out when needed.
I enjoy being married. I've never considered myself a natural when it comes to relationships. I never had a girlfriend in high school, in fact I can count of one hand the number of dates I had throughout those 4 years. I met my future wife when I was barely 21 back in January 2004. We were engaged that May and married that November. Neither one of us is extremely introverted or extroverted, we're both kind of in the middle and give the other space when needed. We agree, for the most part, politically. Oddly enough, one thing we don't share is a love/appreciation of music. I've always liked a wide variety of music and have been purchasing my own since I was 8. I have more CD/Vinyl/cassettes in my collection than I can display at once. My wife mainly listens to manufactured pop sensations, boy bands and Top 40. She considers any song over 3 minutes long.
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Here's a question: do you all feel like shared interests - be it politics, music, food - is integral for a successful relationship, or is it just enough to RESPECT the others' interests?
To anticipate the answer, I think the one thing that is sort of important is... vices. I've never really dated anyone that loves my music; I like enough music that I can and will go see any concert any time, so there's no problem going with them, and I like going to shows by myself, so I don't need her to like my music. I've never really dated anyone that is sympatico with my politics, so there's always been a debate (believe it or not, I've not always been to the right of my partners). I do sort of always recall problems when one of us partook in vice way more (or less) than the other, at least on a regular basis.
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I think we "morph" into liking the other's likes. My wife was always a music lover but i got her into prog rock. Same with beers. She was a Molson Ice girl and I like the craft beers early on. Now she's a beer snob like i am. I've got to find a picture on Facebook of me doing something that my wife loves so you guys can have a chuckle.
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I think we "morph" into liking the other's likes. My wife was always a music lover but i got her into prog rock. Same with beers. She was a Molson Ice girl and I like the craft beers early on. Now she's a beer snob like i am. I've got to find a picture on Facebook of me doing something that my wife loves so you guys can have a chuckle.
You got lucky. Mrs.jingle hasn't morphed jack-shit.
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I know. I'm real lucky. Here I am enjoying tea and crumpets in an English garden. The things you do for love.
(https://imagizer.imageshack.com/v2/750x1000q90/923/GuSL2O.jpg) (https://imageshack.com/f/pnGuSL2Oj)
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In a relationship, but not married. Things go back to my parents, who divorced when I was only a few years old. I will say I always had a nice enough childhood with either of them, but never understood how things shook out legally between them. Yes, I know now that there are so many things that went into this, but at the end of the day I grew up knowing my father was paying large sums of money to my mother in effect for her to have me most of the time. There are other cases in my family, and the underlying theme is that in this state men tend to get destroyed in any case of divorce. This has always given me great issues on the subject, and so even coming up on seven years together I don't want to go down that road. I feel like if I had a magical perfect relationship I could get over it, but like with any there are of course issues, and any time they come it it squashes any thoughts I might have on the subject.
We do now, for 1.5 years have a house together, but aside from the house being in both our names we keep all finances separate, and signed an agreement on how the house would be split in the case of a separation. And if I ever did get married that would get rolled into a prenup then. Essentially how we work it is this, she gives me $500 per month to cover 30% of monthly expenses such as the mortgage, utilities, etc. But to simplify our other purchases we just run a google sheet whenever purchases for both of us are made. For example, the sheet starts the month showing she owes me $500, but if she goes out and buys $100 of groceries, it adjusts and then shows she'll only owe me $430 at the end of the month, as I would be responsible for $70 of those groceries. This keeps going all month, and because every dollar she spends takes a big hit against the total, and because she buys most of the food and cat stuff, at the end of the month she typically only gives me $100-$200 as a straight up check.
And in the case of a separation we'd pay along the split for someone to come in and evaluate the value of the house, and determine how much equity was put into it under our ownership. I have first option to pay her 30% of that to keep the house, and she has next option to pay me 70% of it to keep it. If neither of us is able the house gets sold and any profit from that is split 70/30.
Not really my bidniss, but curiosity killed the cat, so... how did you get to "70/30"?
I make substantially more money. Once she completes her major professional license this year and gets a better job the ratio will likely change.
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I know. I'm real lucky. Here I am enjoying tea and crumpets in an English garden. The things you do for love.
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Geez, the Queen has aged quite a bit since July.
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:lol
I actually enjoyed it. Plus, seeing how much my wife loved the moment made it worth it.
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Now that I have a moment to myself... lots of similarities amongst us men. First...
- Gary and Joe, you have wonderful wives (I know the Queen first hand, and from everything I've heard about Mrs Miller, she is indeed your better half :biggrin:). Consider yourselves blessed - I know you do, so that's redundant.
- Stads... that was a terrific read.
- Professor... mad props to you. You and your wife are incredible people based on what you've told.
Now on to the jingle.marriage.
<holy shit this ended up being quite the dissertation! tl;dr... had a lot of ups and downs, but with a lot of patience and work, things are great now - make sure you take care of yourself first>
19 years in a couple of weeks, and as most of you know, two wonderful jingle.kids (b/g twins). By no means has it been an easy road. We met when I was 25 just after university, married at 27, kids at 29. Mrs.jingle is 10 months older than I. We fell in love because we both filled a void in each others' life at the time. It was terrific, but the marriage has been hard work. Physiologically, marriage will always be harder than the courtship process... the chemicals in our brains just make it that way - we don't always have the "in love" triggers in our brain firing. We've had our ups and downs (a lot of downs) in our marriage, and I ended up doing a lot of reading and research on it.
We both have mental health challenges - me with depression, her with anxiety and (imo, undiagnosed) borderline personality disorder - she doesn't self harm, carries many of the other traits. We also both carry a lot of issues/baggage from our childhood. This has been the cause and triggers of much of our depression/anxiety, which leads to the 'downs'. mrs.jingle was also a stay-at-home mom (we were fortunate enough that my income afforded us this), which as a mother and for our kids was an absolutely amazing thing to be able to do. As a woman/individual/wife .. it posed a lot of challenges for her - isolating, lacking her sense of 'self' (which triggered a lot of other issues). We fought... a lot - which is a primary trigger for my depression. It was quite the shampoo cycle (wash-rinse-repeat). For many years, I wasn't sure we would make it ... and I there were times I wasn't sure I wanted us to make it. But, I was a product of divorce (at 14 years old), and I would never have allowed that to happen.
I vividly remember a post Tick made a number of years ago about how he had been through some rough patches, but came out of it and now (ie, then... and hopefully still now :lol) his marriage was as good or better than it ever was. I remember thinking - 'god I hope that's me/mrs.jingle' ... but seriously doubted it. The good news is, I/we did get thru the rough parts. Over the past 4 years, as the kids (who thankfully are amazing and - for the most part - problem free teenagers) got into and thru their teenage years, she found a purpose and passion in her life outside of the family - and that's a good thing. Prior to that, she defined herself as a "mother" and a "wife". Meaning if she didn't feel valued by her kids and husband, she was a wreck. In that regard, anytime I wasn't spending with her, or attention I was giving to ANYTHING else in life was (to her) internalized as me not valuing her, and not wanting to be with her - all functions of her mental health issues, and baggage (lots of worthiness issues). As such, I had very little in my life that was 'mine' for many many years - the odd concert here and there, but that was about it. Now that she has found her passion, she isn't so reliant on me/kids for her happiness, which has allowed me to do the things that are 'mine' that make me happy. Don't get me wrong, it's not like we live totally separate lives, but we're very comfortable in our ability to do certain things apart from one another. For many many years, this wasn't the case for mrs.jingle.
Basically, this is a long-assed and personal way of saying it's incredibly important not to lose yourself in any relationship. Don't sacrifice everything to please the other; maintain your interests and what is truly important to you. As Joe said, some compromises are necessary, and it feels good to do things that make your partner happy - at least it should... if it doesn't then you've probably got the wrong partner. I rambled on about this because I believe it is a critical element to a successful marriage. That guy that Barto referenced in his story who completely gave up what he was interested in for his woman ... not right, and probably not the path to a successful relationship.
There's lots of other comments that have been made that I agree whole-heartedly with - kids are a tremendous amount of work, but totally worth it; you get out of the relationship what you put in to it; communication is critical - HONEST communication; it's a lot of hard work - sometimes marriage/family feels more like a business than anything else.
Like lordixor, I too am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel as it relates to the next phase of life which is kid-less and career-less, and thus the chance for us to just be husband and wife to and for each other. We've been pretty blessed financially, and I'm in the 10-year window until retirement - Freedom 56 baby! In the past, my fantasies about what that would look like, did not always include me still be married. Now I can't imagine that.
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Chad, what a wonderful read. Independence and self worth are integral to a marriage. Both spouses have to recognize that in each other. Most recently, the Queen has been struggling with her treatment at work, I was not happy that the jobs that she was looking into would not make enough money. That causes a little friction. I wanted her to me mentally happy at work but we couldn't take the kind of lose that she was talking about.
I we talked about expanding her search with her experience. As luck had it, she found another job in her field and got a $4.00 raise. She starts April 2nd. I had to be supportive in her but also bring her to understand we still needed to be financially sound and for her to have piece of mind.
It's never easy but you have to be calm and talk things out.
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Chad......fantastic post! :tup Having had the conversations we’ve had in the past it’s awesome to hear how things are going now compared to a couple years back. Really happy for you guys that you were able to stick with it....work through it and am glad that light at the end of the tunnel is getting clearer.
Side note: as a testament to this ‘online’ community that we have and the friendships that can form from it.....I find myself so curious and excited to see how the jingle kids do in their university endeavors.
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Here's a question: do you all feel like shared interests - be it politics, music, food - is integral for a successful relationship, or is it just enough to RESPECT the others' interests?
To anticipate the answer, I think the one thing that is sort of important is... vices. I've never really dated anyone that loves my music; I like enough music that I can and will go see any concert any time, so there's no problem going with them, and I like going to shows by myself, so I don't need her to like my music. I've never really dated anyone that is sympatico with my politics, so there's always been a debate (believe it or not, I've not always been to the right of my partners). I do sort of always recall problems when one of us partook in vice way more (or less) than the other, at least on a regular basis.
I do think shared interests are important - at least to have one shared interest. If you weren't interested in *anything* that was the same, I think that would be a bit of a challenge. It doesn't have to be a grand passion, but think there should at least be something in common. I acknowledge that it could be different for others - maybe their kids are the common interest. For me, not married but in a long term relationship, we do share music and that's been great, and we also do respect each other's other interests.
Vices - I think I agree with you. This probably is not a popular point of view on a music forum, but I won't get involved with someone who does anything illegal in the first place - I just don't want to deal with it.
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I vividly remember a post Tick made a number of years ago about how he had been through some rough patches, but came out of it and now (ie, then... and hopefully still now :lol) his marriage was as good or better than it ever was. I remember thinking - 'god I hope that's me/mrs.jingle' ... but seriously doubted it. The good news is, I/we did get thru the rough parts. Over the past 4 years, as the kids (who thankfully are amazing and - for the most part - problem free teenagers) got into and thru their teenage years, she found a purpose and passion in her life outside of the family - and that's a good thing. Prior to that, she defined herself as a "mother" and a "wife". Meaning if she didn't feel valued by her kids and husband, she was a wreck. In that regard, anytime I wasn't spending with her, or attention I was giving to ANYTHING else in life was (to her) internalized as me not valuing her, and not wanting to be with her - all functions of her mental health issues, and baggage (lots of worthiness issues). As such, I had very little in my life that was 'mine' for many many years - the odd concert here and there, but that was about it. Now that she has found her passion, she isn't so reliant on me/kids for her happiness, which has allowed me to do the things that are 'mine' that make me happy. Don't get me wrong, it's not like we live totally separate lives, but we're very comfortable in our ability to do certain things apart from one another. For many many years, this wasn't the case for mrs.jingle.
Chad, yes my marriage is nearly 23 years in and what hasn't killed us has made us stronger. I'm glad something I said actually stayed with you and made you think. Most people only remember me for being an angry old man who was shorted 3 quarters at McDonald's. :lol
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I had very little in my life that was 'mine' for many many years...
This is very much me.
I got married late, at 30, and my 20s were a bit of me wandering in the wilderness. Living alone, crappy, low-paying jobs, lots of drinking, video game playing, casual dating, and otherwise living a mundane uneventful existence. I wasn't emotionally or mentally ready to settle down. Then I met my current wife, who was also 30 and also in a place to settle down.
I still don't have much in my life that I feel is 'mine.' I still play video games, read, go to concerts (alone), do projectgs around the house... all solitary activities. Having children is the most amazing thing I have experienced and has really given my life meaning and purpose. Being a dad is the most important aspect of my life, but I struggle to find things outside of being a dad that bring me joy.
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Most people only remember me for being an angry old man who was shorted 3 quarters at McDonald's. :lol
That - and lens flares - may be what you're most (in)famous for, but don't sell yourself short. You're a most recognizable, enjoyable and respected poster here - at least amongst the fogeys.
I had very little in my life that was 'mine' for many many years...
This is very much me.
I still don't have much in my life that I feel is 'mine.' I still play video games, read, go to concerts (alone), do projectgs around the house... all solitary activities. Having children is the most amazing thing I have experienced and has really given my life meaning and purpose. Being a dad is the most important aspect of my life, but I struggle to find things outside of being a dad that bring me joy.
Keep searching for it man - doesn't necessarily have to be a huge, burning passion - kids can certainly be that. But things like reading and gaming are things you do for yourself, and not for someone else - and I likely assume you're not doing them to make yourself miserable?? :lol So there must be some joy in doing those things.
This is where there was a breakdown for the jingle.marriage - time away from each other exacerbated her worthiness issues. Work (since I was the sole income earner) got a pass, but pretty much EVERYTHING else I did that didn't include mrs.jingle ended up being problematic at some point. As I said, we got thru it, and things are good now from that standpoint.
I'm also not saying things were all (or even mostly) bad during those years. Not at all - we did lots of things that we enjoyed together - theatre, wine tours, vacations, day-trips, time with a few close friends, hanging out with family (though, that's gone now - the relationships of both of our extended families are for not what we'd like them to be ... varying from non-existent to exhausting*), hiking, her joining me on several business trips. Just that the bad parts/times were pretty miserable - for both of us.
*That's a whole different thread
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This is where there was a breakdown for the jingle.marriage - time away from each other exacerbated her worthiness issues. Work (since I was the sole income earner) got a pass, but pretty much EVERYTHING else I did that didn't include mrs.jingle ended up being problematic at some point. As I said, we got thru it, and things are good now from that standpoint.
My first wife, I believe, suffers from borderline personality disorder (also undiagnosed) and for me, the bolded was a factor as well. We didn't make it (obviously; "first" wife explains that) and that BPD was a huge factor (and it's nature is such that "undiagnosed" is a very common descriptor of that condition; I assume you have a well-thumbed copy of "Stop Walking On Eggshells" like I do). It was exasperating to get involved in something - a great example was my band in Philly - that was fully supported at first, I made the commitment, then all of a sudden I was the bad guy for "ignoring her". Well...
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This is where there was a breakdown for the jingle.marriage - time away from each other exacerbated her worthiness issues. Work (since I was the sole income earner) got a pass, but pretty much EVERYTHING else I did that didn't include mrs.jingle ended up being problematic at some point. As I said, we got thru it, and things are good now from that standpoint.
My first wife, I believe, suffers from borderline personality disorder (also undiagnosed) and for me, the bolded was a factor as well. We didn't make it (obviously; "first" wife explains that) and that BPD was a huge factor (and it's nature is such that "undiagnosed" is a very common descriptor of that condition; I assume you have a well-thumbed copy of "Stop Walking On Eggshells" like I do). It was exasperating to get involved in something - a great example was my band in Philly - that was fully supported at first, I made the commitment, then all of a sudden I was the bad guy for "ignoring her". Well...
Over the years, I've done a lot of reading/research on BPD. I almost bought SWOE, but ended up getting a book called When Hope Is Not Enough (WHINE :lol). Have a few others too.
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This is where there was a breakdown for the jingle.marriage - time away from each other exacerbated her worthiness issues. Work (since I was the sole income earner) got a pass, but pretty much EVERYTHING else I did that didn't include mrs.jingle ended up being problematic at some point. As I said, we got thru it, and things are good now from that standpoint.
My first wife, I believe, suffers from borderline personality disorder (also undiagnosed) and for me, the bolded was a factor as well. We didn't make it (obviously; "first" wife explains that) and that BPD was a huge factor (and it's nature is such that "undiagnosed" is a very common descriptor of that condition; I assume you have a well-thumbed copy of "Stop Walking On Eggshells" like I do). It was exasperating to get involved in something - a great example was my band in Philly - that was fully supported at first, I made the commitment, then all of a sudden I was the bad guy for "ignoring her". Well...
lol "walking on eggshells" comment was something I constantly heard with my x and I hated when she used that phrase. Anyway, I personally think time without your S.O. is extremely important. When people become so dependent on each other, I feel like these types of issues arise. I made it very clear with my gf that to be serious with me, we both need to have interests outside of each other and that neither of us should hold the other back from doing things seperate that bring us happiness. To me, that's been her giving me a leash to go to any concert I want essentially. Such as going to Boston for a weekend. My x would not of allowed that to happen. But of course we both need to make sure we are doing things together as well that will bring us both happiness, like a weekend in Cape May together.
My brother has been dating this girl and there's not a single second they are not together or not on the phone with each other. I find it kind of sickening personally. They got into a fight the other night at my house and both just sat there angry at each other, not talking, but also not giving each other space. I find space to be extremely important, but I am also a fairly "on my own" type of person and enjoy my alone time when I have it and I guess not everyone is like that, and hence not everyone is for me.
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For anyone that is married or just living with your partner, how do you divide the house work?
Dishes, laundry, vacuuming, or any other type of housework/chore.
I'm single, but I'm just curious for if I am coming across this in the future.
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I'm currently engaged and sharing an apartment with my partner. For the most part we share most of the responsibilities.
- If she cooks, I do the dishes. If I cook, she does the dishes.
- We usually clean together (She takes up dusting and mopping, I organized and vacunm or the other way around).
- Laundry is tricky as we live in an apartment building and there is no Laundry on site. It usually depends on who has some free time on weekends or after work. Sometimes I will do laundry and she does all the cleaning.
It helps that I always been a "clean" person. I hate seeing messes and clutter around and so does she. It makes the cleaning a little easier since we both don't mind doing it.
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My wife will cook most nights....I pick up a few nights a month. I primarily do the dishes and straighten the kitchen up afterwards although now we're transitioning this into a kid chore.
Cleaning the house is a team effort....we 'try' to get a good clean once a week....keep things straightened up most days. It's just a tough task with three boys and their friends in and out of the house all week.
Laundry. Such a battle. I'm sure it's the same way in most homes but man.....you literally never get caught up and if you 'take a day off' the pile multiplies ten fold. This is one her and I switch back and forth....no real designated person. Especially during Hockey Season I'll do laundry quite a bit. Get a few loads going and folded while watching a game.
As far as yard work in the summer....it's all me. My wife wants me to get our older two boys to start mowing the grass and what not but honestly.....I like doing it and am really getting in to the landscaping and planting flowers/bushes etc so I really enjoy it. Plus, I'm very picky about how it's all done so I just rather do it.
She does all the grocery shopping. I'll grocery shop every now and then but it's never the 'full list' grocery shop.
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Obviously everyone is different, but while we talking - high level - about it, we didn't have a list or a set delineation of tasks. Honestly, if I thought about it too much, it would be bothersome, but I don't. I take the approach that 50-50 on everything is unrealistic. I don't want her touching my car (I don't mean that to be mean, it's just... it is.) I set up the electronics. I do the cooking. She does all the laundry, and most of the grocery shopping (though I go along because it's a good time to spend together).
I do all the snow-blowing and lawn-cutting. I have a 11-year old step son and while he's on the spectrum, he's very high functioning and able (he does have some coordination issues, and stamina issues). I'd really like it if he came out and helped shovel/trim/etc. I do all the dish CLEANING and table setting. My son can set the table. We've got him now putting his dishes in the dishwasher, but that leaves all the pans (which have to be washed by hand) and cleaning the counter/stowing the leftovers.
But in keeping with "you do what you can, even if it's more than 50%", she's been out of work now since early January. I would have preferred to have some of the slack taken up, but it's not happened. It's not a huge issue - it might be if we're still talking about it in September - but it goes to the heart of the issue: in a relationship it's joint and several. You both have an obligation to make sure the totality is covered, and you both have an obligation to get it done. It's just easier when it's more joint.
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I will say this....I'll put my dishwasher stacking prowess up against anyone out there. One of my largest pet peeves is a disjointed, haphazard attempt at loading the dishwasher. When done properly, you can get a large amount of dishes washed in one load. I'm convinced my wife and children make the most feeble attempts at loading the dishwasher on purpose just to watch me have a mini stroke over how inept they're attempts appear.
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I am not proud to admit that, I've been at my apartment for 4 years now. My kitchen has a dishwasher and I used it maybe 5 times. Don't ask why, I just do my things manually :facepalm:
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I just do my things manually
I still do all the big items like pots and pans and trays by hand.
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I just do my things manually
I still do all the big items like pots and pans and trays by hand.
Many pots and pans you SHOULD do manually, though, because the combination of heat and caustic cleaner can be bad for their finish. The newer ones, I'm told, not so much, but I still don't take the chance.
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One thing I've noticed.....and I'm sure folks like RJ and anyone else who has had a job working in the kitchen of a restaurant or grill.....is that when I cook I'm constantly cleaning and putting away things as I go.....so when, I'm done and the meal is ready there is hardly any cleaning or tidying up left to do. Now, my wife....who never worked in the kitchen of a restaurant......it's a disaster zone and it takes a bit to get everything all cleaned up and squared away.
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Married 12 years. We've never had an official discussion to split up household chores. I do most of the cooking, she does most of the laundry, we do general cleaning pretty equally. Other than me mowing the lawn and cleaning the toilet bowl, there are no other chore that are strictly mine or hers. This has worked pretty well for us over the years, but I know we both at times feel like we're doing more than our fair share. As the kids are getting older, we're having them take on more which helps take the burden off of us a bit.
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I am not proud to admit that, I've been at my apartment for 4 years now. My kitchen has a dishwasher and I used it maybe 5 times. Don't ask why, I just do my things manually :facepalm:
When I moved to my new apartment I finally got my own dishwasher but at first I did everything manually as usual because since I live by myself it dosen't pile up that much. However whenever I have busy work days it's very handy to pile up everything in the dishwasher and then use it after a couple of days or something.
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One thing I've noticed.....and I'm sure folks like RJ and anyone else who has had a job working in the kitchen of a restaurant or grill.....is that when I cook I'm constantly cleaning and putting away things as I go.....so when, I'm done and the meal is ready there is hardly any cleaning or tidying up left to do. Now, my wife....who never worked in the kitchen of a restaurant......it's a disaster zone and it takes a bit to get everything all cleaned up and squared away.
I'm somewhere in between.... :)
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One thing I've noticed.....and I'm sure folks like RJ and anyone else who has had a job working in the kitchen of a restaurant or grill.....is that when I cook I'm constantly cleaning and putting away things as I go.....so when, I'm done and the meal is ready there is hardly any cleaning or tidying up left to do. Now, my wife....who never worked in the kitchen of a restaurant......it's a disaster zone and it takes a bit to get everything all cleaned up and squared away.
I'm somewhere in between.... :)
I am like Gary's wife and my wife is very much like Gary.
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I will say this....I'll put my dishwasher stacking prowess up against anyone out there. One of my largest pet peeves is a disjointed, haphazard attempt at loading the dishwasher. When done properly, you can get a large amount of dishes washed in one load. I'm convinced my wife and children make the most feeble attempts at loading the dishwasher on purpose just to watch me have a mini stroke over how inept they're attempts appear.
The Lovely Mrs TAC is a dishwasher control freak too. I'm 50 years old. I can fill a fucking dishwasher!!!! :lol
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Isn't it funny that the older we get, the more stubborn we become? :lol
I hate when my wife food shops. She spends $50 to $70 more and I loss my shit because she buys stuff we don't need. I'd rather do it myself.
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Isn't it funny that the older we get, the more stubborn we become? :lol
I hate when my wife food shops. She spends $50 to $70 more and I loss my shit because she buys stuff we don't need. I'd rather do it myself.
My wife is a great shopper. Clips online coupons, is very frugal, but always makes sure someone gets something they like.
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Isn't it funny that the older we get, the more stubborn we become? :lol
I hate when my wife food shops. She spends $50 to $70 more and I loss my shit because she buys stuff we don't need. I'd rather do it myself.
My wife is the same way. I go to Aldi and spend $70-80 every time. She comes with and we spend $120.
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Isn't it funny that the older we get, the more stubborn we become? :lol
I hate when my wife food shops. She spends $50 to $70 more and I loss my shit because she buys stuff we don't need. I'd rather do it myself.
I must've married her sister.
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I see who the bill payers are. :lol
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I don't know if I'm the old man of the group, but this year marks 40 years since my wife and I first dated in our Junior year of high school. Briefly broke up after graduation when I went into the USAF, but got back together shortly after I came back home, and will be married 32 years this May.
It's all about give and take, understanding, and not staying angry. We've had our ups and downs and screaming matches, but always made peace by the end of the day.
There's no listing of who does what chores, although I always take care of all outside stuff, she does more cleaning than me due to our schedules. Things have changed over the years, I used to get home from work first so I always cooked, which I love to do, BTW. Now I work a second job some nights so she cooks more on weeknights.
We have some shared interests, musically she's gone with me to see some shows, but isn't into the heavier stuff, so DT, Priest, Maiden, etc. shows I go with a buddy or two; Country music, she'll go with our daughter and/or some girlfriends.
She has a monthly book club clique with her girls that is more about having some wine than talking about the book, she also has a movie night, and goes to happy hour once a month or so with the girls from work. I like to tool around in my garage on weekends, light the grill or smoker, crank the tunes and drink some beers, occasionally have a buddy over and light the chiminea on a Friday or Saturday night. We'll also get together with other couples a couple times a month, go out to dinner, then have a game night or play some cards after.
It's a delicate balance, but it works. And when in doubt, just shut up, she's right, I'm wrong.
I wear the pants in my family, and i have her permission to say so!
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For anyone that is married or just living with your partner, how do you divide the house work?
Dishes, laundry, vacuuming, or any other type of housework/chore.
I'm single, but I'm just curious for if I am coming across this in the future.
I'm unemployed right now, so I should be doing the majority of the chores. I kinda don't :lol I cook always because I'm better at it and plan meals and make sure the freezer is well stocked. I vacuum, I wipe down the counter tops. The "bigger" chores though like cleaning out the fridge or scrubbing the oven just get delayed ad infinitum. He does the bathroom and a lot of the shopping and unclogs the various pipes that need to be unclogged. I do all of the laundry.
I learned two things about chores:
1. If you want something done your way, do it yourself. You can't split chores and hand over a chore you're very particular about (like that dishwasher you're all mentioning) to another person and then complain every time they do it! Either you're happy someone else did it at all, or you're the one with the sole responsibility. Am I happy about my husband's onion chopping technique? Not all the time. Am I gonna stand above his head and yell HOLD THE KNIFE LIKE THISSSS? Nah. I don't have time for that, that's why I asked for help.
2. The worst part of a chore is the mental load. I don't mind doing all the laundry. What I do mind is my husband saying "uh oh, I'm running out of clean socks, guess we have to put another load in" at 10PM on a Sunday, or asking me why something THAT'S NOT EVEN IN THE LAUNDRY BASKET, PEOPLE, isn't clean and dry for tomorrow. If you enjoy in someone else doing the damn laundry for you that day, at least tell them what the priority item is when you're getting dressed in the morning, and make sure the things you want cleaned go with the rest of the dirty things. I'll do the math. I'll load the load. I'll dry and I'll fold. I won't go around the house smelling every hoodie to see whether it's been worn once or ten times. It's a stupid line in the sand, but it's my line in the sand, okay?
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1. If you want something done your way, do it yourself. You can't split chores and hand over a chore you're very particular about (like that dishwasher you're all mentioning) to another person and then complain every time they do it! Either you're happy someone else did it at all, or you're the one with the sole responsibility. Am I happy about my husband's onion chopping technique? Not all the time. Am I gonna stand above his head and yell HOLD THE KNIFE LIKE THISSSS? Nah. I don't have time for that, that's why I asked for help.
I love this. This should be printed on a little card and laminated and put in a prominent place in every house (this is also good for parents and children, too).
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(this is also good for parents and children, too).
Now I realized the reason why I hate this is because my mom always did this to me :lol you can either ask me to help you with something to the best of my ability if you're really desperate, or ask me "hey do you want to learn how to do X", but making a kid your "kitchen intern" for a meal you'd actually like to serve to other people isn't the best idea.
Once I completely lost my cool with her. She was always complaining how she doesn't like ironing the clothes for the four of us and how it's her least fave chore. So I put my good teen face on and said "hey, you know what, if you show me how to use the iron from the top one more time, I can help you out, I'm kinda scared of the steam and all that crap", but she was feeling cranky for some reason so she just said "I knew how to iron when I was your age and you've seen me iron a million times, just take the iron and do it if you wanna help, if not don't bother me, I'm doing something important here", and I was just like... :censored. I think I waited for her afternoon nap and wrote her an angry letter (!) about how she doesn't deserve a good kid like me ( :lol I was sixteen, what can I say) and just went out and didn't come back until she was wide awake and well... not ready to apologize :lol
I don't even have an iron in the house. Fuck ironing.
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I iron like a 5 year old. Not that I do it purposely. Though my wife thinks I do it purposely. :lol
I just suck at it.
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I iron like a 5 year old. Not that I do it purposely. Though my wife thinks I do it purposely. :lol
I just suck at it.
...and gift wrapping..forget it! :lol
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I iron like a 5 year old. Not that I do it purposely. Though my wife thinks I do it purposely. :lol
I just suck at it.
...and gift wrapping..forget it! :lol
That's cute though because you know the present, um, I mean the though....... :lol
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(this is also good for parents and children, too).
Once I completely lost my cool with her. She was always complaining how she doesn't like ironing the clothes for the four of us and how it's her least fave chore. So I put my good teen face on and said "hey, you know what, if you show me how to use the iron from the top one more time, I can help you out, I'm kinda scared of the steam and all that crap", but she was feeling cranky for some reason so she just said "I knew how to iron when I was your age and you've seen me iron a million times, just take the iron and do it if you wanna help, if not don't bother me, I'm doing something important here", and I was just like... :censored. I think I waited for her afternoon nap and wrote her an angry letter (!) about how she doesn't deserve a good kid like me ( :lol I was sixteen, what can I say) and just went out and didn't come back until she was wide awake and well... not ready to apologize :lol
I don't even have an iron in the house. Fuck ironing.
It sounds like your mom and my dad may be related! :lol My childhood in a nutshell went as follows:
1) Dad told me to do something.
2) I often didn't know how since he never took the time to show me, even when I asked him to.
3) Dad would get mad at me.
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People still iron?
(https://downywrinklereleaserplus.com/wp-content/themes/downy/images/tout_5_bottle_v3.png)
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Or just buy wrinkle-free clothes :P
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I consider myself to be a very lucky man.
I met my wife over ten years ago, and the connection was there from the beginning. The term 'soul mate' doesn't even begin to describe it.
Friends at first, more later on, and today, we are happily married.
I've had enough 'long-term' relationships (including an engagement at one point) over the years to know good from bad from great. And like most people, I've had a mix of all of it through-out my life (I'm about to be 40).
My relationship with my wife is literally as perfect as I can imagine any relationship being. Be it chores, or work (we actually run a business together), it feels like we are always on the same page. Our mindset on most things is the same, and when/where we differ, I feel like we fill in deficiencies for the other (she is not as good with conflict as me, I am not as tactful as her, etc...)
Between our house, cat, job, and a ten year old, I literally have about five hours a week to myself. The rest is spent in close proximity to my wife. I could never imagine this sort of dynamic working with a previous relationship, but then again, I realize now that that's because my current relationship is incredibly rare.
I often wonder what if it had been like if we had met in high-school. Like, would we have hit it off? Sure. Would we still be together? Probably. But I truly think that, while it would have been nice to have met her earlier in life, the perspective we both had meeting in our late 20's allowed us to properly value our connection.
I normally don't respond with such long-winded posts, but I was getting some tests done at a hospital yesterday, and I had a ton of time to play on my phone. I saw this thread, and while this anonymous post is far from a public declaration of love, I felt compelled to write it just the same.
I mean, seriously: the woman got up at 6 a.m. with me, drove me to the hospital. Sat and waited for nearly nine hours while I had 6 appointments, then drove me to work. We pulled back in the driveway at 10 p.m., had a snack and watched some HBO and laughed our asses off; and the only thing I kept thinking to myself was: 'man, this is the life'
TL;DR - I am lucky guy, and I adore my wife.
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Just curious. For those of you who are married or living with your partner, how do you guys split up the bills? Like do you do the mortgage 50/50? Or does one person do the mortgage and the other does utilities and other bills?
How to you guys break that up?
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We have one checking account. It's our money. That makes for a healthy marriage.
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My wife does the bills and handles the accounts. I actually do the taxes. We are currently in the middle of refi'ing our mortgage, and I am handling that.
All of our money is in joint accounts.
But we make all financial planning decisions together.
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We have separate accounts with individual financial responsibilities. I take care of every cost/bill like mortgage, electric, etc etc…..anything home related is me. I cover all insurance (vehicle, life, medical) basically all the annoying grown up crap.
She handles all the groceries, co pays foe Dr visits for the kiddos, any supplies for school…..sports team fees or activity fees foe the kids…..and all the miscellaneous crap that families face.
The account are shared meaning we can get in to each other’s accounts but we treat them separate. Our savings and investment accounts are all shared as well.
It works for us. I like it because I don’t have to ask for permission to spend ‘my’ money. I take care of my portion and if I want a new golf club or firearm or tattoo, whatever…. and have the cash on hand to get it I get it. No questions asked.
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It works for us. I like it because I don’t have to ask for permission to spend ‘my’ money. I take care of my portion and if I want a new golf club or firearm or tattoo, whatever…. and have the cash on hand to get it I get it. No questions asked.
So spending and fun money..
@Gary, I don't know how much all that costs, but if I were to buy a golf club, or a firearm, or a tattoo (none of which I have :lol), that to me is an expensive self gift, and I'd probably center that around a Christmas present.
We are lucky, where we (my wife and I) pretty much have anything we need, and get it if we need it and don't have it.
My fun money goes to music, and an occasional concert. The thing with concerts is that I have to buy two tickets so I could be looking at a couple of bills easy. I just tell my wife to consider it my Christmas/Birthday/Anniversary..whatever is the closest to the concert.
As far as buying CDs, my wife gets me an Amazon card for whatever..Valentine's /Easter/Father's Day/Birthday, etc. No sense buying me junk I don't need, especially when I'll be buying CDs anyway.
That said, if something is released, and I really want it, but don't have any Amazon credit, I will get it, and it's never a big deal.
At the end of the day, especially being married, it's really about being relatively selfless, and discussing long term finances honestly.
We've never had a car payment in 24 years of being married. We buy Certified Used and haven't paid more than 11k for a vehicle. We could afford new cars, but that doesn't help us long term.
What are the goals?
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We each put 75% of our income in to our joint account. The remaining 25% is for our own to use as we see fit. I handle 100% of the financial aspects of our marriage. I try and show my wife our budget, investments, retirement goals, and financial status at the start of every year. She loses interest after about 60 seconds. "Are we doing alright?" is all she asks.
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The remaining 25% is for our own to use as we see fit.
Do your respective vehicles come out of this 25%?
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The remaining 25% is for our own to use as we see fit.
Do your respective vehicles come out of this 25%?
Good question. We bought a car almost 10 years ago, and I cannot recall how we paid for that one. I think it was more complicated because we hadn't fully established our joint financial plan as it is now. The one we bought in 2017 was a "joint" purchase.
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The remaining 25% is for our own to use as we see fit.
Do your respective vehicles come out of this 25%?
Good question. We bought a car almost 10 years ago, and I cannot recall how we paid for that one. I think it was more complicated because we hadn't fully established our joint financial plan as it is now. The one we bought in 2017 was a "joint" purchase.
I only ask because 25% is a sizable chunk of change. If you bring home 1k/wk, 25% works out to 1k/mo. My wife would NOT be happy if I spent 12k/yr on what I see fit. :lol
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I find the % exhausting. We just put our money together and bills are paid. Want to buy something, we talk to each other. Seems streamlined to me.
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I find the % exhausting. We just put our money together and bills are paid. Want to buy something, we talk to each other. Seems streamlined to me.
We operate the same way.
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Honestly, I'm happy when Lisa spends money on herself for clothes and flowers for the gardens. It makes her happy.
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Honestly, I'm happy when Lisa spends money on herself for clothes and flowers for the gardens. It makes her happy.
My wife will NOT spend money on herself. And when she does she shops the clearance racks. I always give her a bunch of shit. :lol
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We have one checking account. It's our money. That makes for a healthy marriage.
This. For us, marriage is a union. It’s one pool of everything (IMO). Mrs.jingle hasn’t had a paid career since before the kids were born, so if we divvy’d up the income and outgo, it’d all be “mine”. For us, there’s never been a split. It’s all OUR money - income and expenses. Same with investments, haughty practically speaking, some ae in her name, some in mine (solely for tax purposes/implications - current and future).
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I only ask because 25% is a sizable chunk of change. If you bring home 1k/wk, 25% works out to 1k/mo. My wife would NOT be happy if I spent 12k/yr on what I see fit. :lol
I broke it down that way. But that also presumes that money coming in is spent at the same rate.
I am the one who doesn't spend money on myself in my family. Part of it I attribute to periods in my 20s when I was walking a financial tightrope, wondering how I would manage sleeping in my car if it came to that. Most of my "personal" money goes in to investments. Spending money on stuff doesn't usually bring me joy. I'd rather spend it on the kids or the house.
I find the % exhausting. We just put our money together and bills are paid. Want to buy something, we talk to each other. Seems streamlined to me.
For some couples, this is exhausting :biggrin:
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If communication is exhausting to the one you love, maybe you shouldn't be together.
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THIS
We have one checking account. It's our money. That makes for a healthy marriage.
AND
My wife does the bills and handles the accounts. I actually do the taxes. We are currently in the middle of refi'ing our mortgage, and I am handling that.
All of our money is in joint accounts.
But we make all financial planning decisions together.
Except we split the bills. It's all about communication. I have a separate account - less than $100 - to transfer money to my daughter, and she has a separate account to receive her child support, but all the income basically goes into the joint account and the bills are paid from there.
My stepson and his wife each have things they are "responsible" for and in my observation/experience, it breeds mistrust.
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I find the % exhausting. We just put our money together and bills are paid. Want to buy something, we talk to each other. Seems streamlined to me.
We operate the same way.
Us too; I think it helps we are both remarried and older and we talked about this before hand. She knew going in I'm a music fan, she knew going in that I like concerts, and I have good judgement there (in terms of dollars, if not the artists). I said up front: "I want to meet Jon Anderson" and since it wasn't $4,000 it was no big deal. I know not to ask for the Kiss VIP experience - which DOES cost $4000 - because that would be too much for her.
The ONLY time we ever fought about that was when she bought our dog. We talked about it, conceptually, but then all of a sudden the trigger was pulled and it caught me off guard. But we talked and we moved on. Simple as that.
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If communication is exhausting to the one you love, maybe you shouldn't be together.
I don't know how you navigate rough waters without this. We DO talk and even then, I sometimes feel it's not quite enough! :)
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If communication is exhausting to the one you love, maybe you shouldn't be together.
I don't know how you navigate rough waters without this. We DO talk and even then, I sometimes feel it's not quite enough! :)
For us guys, we want to get right to the point. Women take the long way back home. We just have to be patient. So that what they say matters.
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Honestly, I'm happy when Lisa spends money on herself for clothes and flowers for the gardens. It makes her happy.
My wife will NOT spend money on herself. And when she does she shops the clearance racks. I always give her a bunch of shit. :lol
this must be a woman thing. There have been a handful of times in our marriage where I've stashed away $$$ then had her sisters kidnap her and take her and 'make' her buy clothes...items...for herself.
@Gary, I don't know how much all that costs, but if I were to buy a golf club, or a firearm, or a tattoo (none of which I have :lol), that to me is an expensive self gift, and I'd probably center that around a Christmas present.
I have zero issues buying something for myself IF I have cash for it (no charges or card crap) Like many of you here I work hard for the money I'm paid and I want to enjoy it while I'm alive. I could be hit by a bus tomorrow or drop dead of a heart attack. I buy my kids stuff all through the year because they're good kids and for the most part work hard in school, are respectful and courteous so if I overhear them say they'd love to have this or that....there's a good chance they wind up with it.
I do all of that AND am still able to contribute to our savings and investments so in my eyes it's all good.
For us, marriage is a union.
Well of course it is. That's why you figure out what works for your union. Early on in dating my wife alluded to how much she hated having to maintain bills and her house, all the stuff that I do. I took that off her plate AND satisfied my need to 'control' those aspects. That's a long story but lets just say I grew up in a household where any given moment the electric, water...cable....would be shut off because bills weren't being paid. I took that responsibility in our marriage to assure that would NEVER be the case in a family I was the head of.
We can access each others accounts if we needed to....say I died, she isn't locked out of it. But we operate pretty independently financially. Like Joe, Tim and Bill have mentioned...it is important to talk about all the major purchases and financial decisions which we do. You gotta talk that stuff out.
Another thing we don't have is credit card debt. Our one credit card is for extreme emergencies and if we do use it we pay that sucker down near immediately.
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I hear ya, and hope my comment didn't come of judgey or anything. We've just things that there is no explicit 'my' vs 'her' responsibilities. We naturally fall into some habits (eg, I do the actual activity of paying all the bills and managing the finances), but it's more of an assumed/implied responsibility. We talk about all things big and small financially. Mrs.jingle too came from a house of meagre means, but ended up insecure about money issues, so she doesn't want any of that responsibility. It's funny, she just joked to our kids the other day that if/when I die first, they're going to have to show her how to pay bills :lol
And yeah, she rarely buys shit for herself - at least without agonizing over it, and needing to be convinced to do it.
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I hear ya, and hope my comment didn't come of judgey or anything. We've just things that there is no explicit 'my' vs 'her' responsibilities. We naturally fall into some habits (eg, I do the actual activity of paying all the bills and managing the finances), but it's more of an assumed/implied responsibility. We talk about all things big and small financially. Mrs.jingle too came from a house of meagre means, but ended up insecure about money issues, so she doesn't want any of that responsibility. It's funny, she just joked to our kids the other day that if/when I die first, they're going to have to show her how to pay bills :lol
And yeah, she rarely buys shit for herself - at least without agonizing over it, and needing to be convinced to do it.
No you didn't Chad.....I was just diving deeper into an explanation since I am on a keyboard and not a phone. From many conversations the way we handle our accounts seems to be...I won't say rare but it's just not as common as the shared account way. I think our approach is in the minority.
If you want to watch my wife's blood boil you should see her react to how I remind her (and/or pout) when I'm paying for/buying something that is typically outside of my normal 'responsibility'. I'll whine about it for a bit or whatever to give her a hard time and she will give me that look only a wife can give you. It's so much fun.
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Single (never married)
Don't believe in marriage cause I don't believe in divorce. Both younger brothers married and divorced. I'm not falling into that statistic. I'll be damned if someone tries to come into my life and take half my shit. Sure I could save a lot more money shacking up with someone, but in that situation, you give up a lot more than you get. Not talking about just money either. You give up your freedoms. Sorry, but I only met one woman who would've been worth all that and she's been dead and gone from my life for over 5 years now. That was my one and only shot at that kind of life and it taught me that I'm probably not meant to be with anyone. The occasional visit from a GF is enough for me.
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Single (never married)
Don't believe in marriage cause I don't believe in divorce. Both younger brothers married and divorced. I'm not falling into that statistic. I'll be damned if someone tries to come into my life and take half my shit. Sure I could save a lot more money shacking up with someone, but in that situation, you give up a lot more than you get. Not talking about just money either. You give up your freedoms. Sorry, but I only met one woman who would've been worth all that and she's been dead and gone from my life for over 5 years now. That was my one and only shot at that kind of life and it taught me that I'm probably not meant to be with anyone. The occasional visit from a GF is enough for me.
Man plans, and God laughs. :)
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Single (never married)
Don't believe in marriage cause I don't believe in divorce. Both younger brothers married and divorced. I'm not falling into that statistic. I'll be damned if someone tries to come into my life and take half my shit. Sure I could save a lot more money shacking up with someone, but in that situation, you give up a lot more than you get. Not talking about just money either. You give up your freedoms. Sorry, but I only met one woman who would've been worth all that and she's been dead and gone from my life for over 5 years now. That was my one and only shot at that kind of life and it taught me that I'm probably not meant to be with anyone. The occasional visit from a GF is enough for me.
Man plans, and God laughs. :)
God who?
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The basketball player?
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/God_Shammgod
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Of course, it's a metaphor for the futility of the idea that the human controls his/her environment.
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I've heard of Jesus Christ and Holy Ghost. What's God's last name? Dammit? :lol
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We have one checking account. It's our money. That makes for a healthy marriage.
This.
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Just curious. For those of you who are married or living with your partner, how do you guys split up the bills? Like do you do the mortgage 50/50? Or does one person do the mortgage and the other does utilities and other bills?
How to you guys break that up?
My wife and I split everything. We both make roughly the same amount of money but keep everything separate.
Mortgage comes out out her checking account so I send her my half, I pay all the utilities and she pays the cable which roughly balances out (it's insane to me that our cable bill is roughly the same as heat, water, trash, electricity). She has a company car and I have my car that comes out of my account. I love to budget and see where my money is going and I help her budget her money as well but everything stays separate. We have access to each others accounts in case of emergency.
Funny story, my only real big luxury expense is my car, everything else I'm cheap as hell about so I put a lot of money into investments. A few months ago I sat down my wife to show if anything happened to me suddenly how to withdraw and close my trades. Felt like I was giving a lecture and her eyes started drooping :lol
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I find the % exhausting. We just put our money together and bills are paid. Want to buy something, we talk to each other. Seems streamlined to me.
For some couples, this is exhausting :biggrin:
It is :lol Every time my husband asks me if he should spend a chunk of change on some piece of software or online course, I literally could not care less! Man, you only buy old PC games and like one record per month, what else are you gonna spend your money on :angel:
Of course, we both grew up much poorer than most people on here, so even though we're better off now, it's pretty hard to make us spend money in the first place. If your spending muscle is strong, you probably actually need to check in with a partner every once in a while.
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I don't tell my wife for PERMISSION, though, I tell her out of respect and awareness. If she doesn't want to do anything with the information, that's on her. There's plenty she tells me that is only important in the moment. I get that it's probably more me than anything universal, but at a certain point if we we're doing our own thing, managing our own money, etc., we're just roommates.
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I don't tell my wife for PERMISSION, though, I tell her out of respect and awareness. If she doesn't want to do anything with the information, that's on her. There's plenty she tells me that is only important in the moment. I get that it's probably more me than anything universal, but at a certain point if we we're doing our own thing, managing our own money, etc., we're just roommates.
I'm the same, if I have a big purchase I'll tell her but if I want it, I want it. If you guys are interested I'll tell you the story of when I bought a car without telling my gf (now wife) :lol
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I'm interested!
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I'm interested!
Same.
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A few years ago I was driving a really old, shitty BMW as my daily car, leaked every fluid imaginable (lolz BMW). My brother came up for his first visit to Charlotte and I went to get him at the airport. The moment he sat in the car a christmas tree of lights lit up the dashboard, my tensioner broke off the engine block. I thought fuck it I'm going to buy a new car.
That weekend my wife was in San Diego for work, I told her I was going to try and buy a car if I find one I like. Friday I take my dog to day camp because I was going to be gone all day looking at cars. When I got to day camp I checked my phone and my gf messaged me upset that I hadn't responded to her text, it was something along the lines of "Guess you're
too busy to respond, have fun with your brother this weekend" it seems harmless but knowing her it was passive aggressive.
This really got under my skin so I was like fine, I'm not responding. Later that day I find a Lexus RCF300, price was right, car was gorgeous, I came back the next day and bought it. I took it home and after not hearing from me at all I just sent my gf a pic of the car in the driveway. She called me almost immediately, she was with her co-workers and she said "Oh so you bought a car huh?" I could hear the quivers of rage in her voice when I replied "Yup, it's pretty nice figured I'd show you a pic Anyway, see you tomorrow" Needless to say we had a longer conversation when she had a moment away from her co-workers.
It was childish move on both of our parts (moreso on me) but the benefit is now when I say I want to get xyz car next I get a response that is typically like "I don't care, you're going to do whatever you want anyway", so open endorsement.
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Sorry, I completely forgot to reply to this! It made me laugh :lol don't do that again, but at the same time, it's a great story now :angel: