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General => General Discussion => Topic started by: Nick on August 22, 2014, 08:51:27 AM

Title: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Nick on August 22, 2014, 08:51:27 AM
Old one here: http://www.dreamtheaterforums.org/boards/index.php?topic=32708.0
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. Currently accepting title ideas
Post by: rumborak on August 22, 2014, 10:13:17 AM
The Lonely Hearts Thread v. Irgin Forever
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. Currently accepting title ideas
Post by: kingshmegland on August 22, 2014, 10:46:21 AM
The Lonely Hearts Thread v. The Strong Grip.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. Currently accepting title ideas
Post by: ThatOneGuy2112 on August 22, 2014, 11:19:49 AM
The Lonely Hearts Thread v. The Strong Grip.

Seconded
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. Currently accepting title ideas
Post by: hefdaddy42 on August 22, 2014, 11:20:41 AM
The Lonely Hearts thread v. Once, twice, three times a lady
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. Currently accepting title ideas
Post by: Dr. DTVT on August 22, 2014, 12:13:07 PM
v. I'm not lonely, I'm just picky
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: hefdaddy42 on August 22, 2014, 01:01:01 PM
v. my standards are too high
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: kingshmegland on August 22, 2014, 01:04:21 PM
My body doesn't care where my hand has been.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: TioJorge on August 22, 2014, 01:12:31 PM
v. The Freemen

or v. The Freemasons

Either way, I'm without a ball and chain, but my heart is full of the pervs and my stress level is at a minimum... Also I'm not lonely. So...a new thread beckons... A new age. An age of... The Freemen.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Mister Gold on September 02, 2014, 01:00:33 PM
Hey folks, Mister Gold reporting in for assistance!

In the past, I have had a habit of being infatuated with very attractive gals who I thought I got along well with and had things in common with them, only to eventually realize that there wasn't much in common between us that really mattered. Some friends have told me before that I aim out of my league, which in the past has been a fair enough criticism, though I don't think I'm too bad looking myself.

I hadn't really been looking for a girlfriend lately, considering I just started college and all, though I had made a few friends of the opposite sex here since my arrival.

But a week ago, I was at the first meeting of the college students' Film Makers club and while I was there, I ran into this really attractive girl who was there too. We didn't get to talk for too long, but I was really impressed with her knowledge of various different movies and was really impressed that she was a fan of MST3K/Rifftrax (I hadn't really run into any other fans besides myself in person before). Afterwards, I cooled down my thoughts and not really think much of anything relating to her (aside from the fact that I knew we were both going to go see a school screening of The Grand Budapest Hotel later that week). Also I have her to thank for being the final push in my searching out and finally watching A Clockwork Orange for the first time (she loves that movie).

After all, I knew she was attractive, but I've learned a little bit from my past crushes. I want to be in a relationship with someone who challenges me and makes life interesting and what-not. Someone with an actual legitimate personality to them that coincides with my own and be someone who I could grow tremendously from even I only ended up just being friends with them.

So I went to see TGBH the other night (btw, it's one helluva movie) and sure enough, she arrived too! I'd hoped to sit next to her, but another girl that seemed to be casual friends with the small group of friends and acquaintances that we were with ended sitting right between the two of us. Still, we spoke a lot before and after the movie and I was only more impressed with her personality. This lady is downright hysterical!

Me: By any chance, are you a fan of reading? :)
Her: *deadpan/sarcastic* No, I'm completely illiterate.
Me: ... *slightly nervous*
Her: *breaks out laughing* No, I'm kidding! I'm actually aiming to be a Creative Writing major!

Now, the preceding dialogue might not seem to be very funny, but it was one of those you-had-to-be-there-to-see-it moments. I can't stop thinking about it and it cracks me up whenever I do. Like I said, we ended up talking a fair bit more even after the movie had ended and took a nice walk across campus (albeit with the other members of our party) to try and see if there was any food joint that was open nearby.

Which brings us to last night... we'd both planned to go to a screening of the original Night of the Living Dead that was being done by the same film group that was responsible for our meeting. I'd arrived a little early, just so that I'd know that I was at the right place. She had said before that she'd probably be a bit late, but she ended up texting me early asking where the meeting was and showed up well-before the screening started too.

As it turned out, she was fighting a rather nasty cold, but it didn't really bother me. We talked some more about films, shows and books and she continued to impress me. For example, this girl? Her favorite vampire movies are Let the Right One In and F.W. Murnau's classic Nosferatu. And she brought up MST3K/Rifftrax again too, which was awesome. We ended up sitting next to one another on the floor, watching the movie.

As luck/fate/karma/whatever you call it would have it, I woke up this morning and realized that I had caught that cold she'd had last night too. More than a little gross and unfortunate, but I'm not sure if I'm supposed to take that as a good sign or a bad one. It's never happened to me before, much like how much she's completely blown me away by her personality and personal interests.

So, DTF, I turn to you all and ask for your sagely advice and guidance. What should I do next?
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: TioJorge on September 02, 2014, 01:28:01 PM
You've never caught a cold before?  :lol  :P ... It sounds like you're reading into the most minute of details, which is usually a sign that you may have the classic 'love-bug delusion' that has no doubt afflicted every single penis on this forum at one point or another. What's got me raising one eyebrow is that you're taking the fact that you caught a cold from her as a 'sign'... I dunno, I'm not trying to be condescending but that seems a little, well, delusional. Not in a 'lol dummy' way, we're ALL fuckin' deluded when it comes to women, even the old, saggy mofos here who know a thing or two. But...I think it would behoove you to really look at what you're seeing as a sign as simple science... There's no sign in that, no bigger meaning. Then again this is my view, and clearly I am not an advocate of the fates, or cupid, or any other phantasmal aspect of romanticism and meeting 'THE ONE'. But it sounds like you might get hurt, and my advice would be to tread lightly (/walterwhite).

Y'know, see where it goes, keep it light, and for the sake of your emotional state and concentrating on school (we all know how fun it is to try and study/work while in emotional distress), don't comb over every little detail as if it means something poignant. That last part is almost impossible if you're infatuated enough but it may save you a lot of heartache if you can control it. In my experience, if a woman wants you to know she's into you, even if she's on the shyer side, it'll be pretty darn clear. When men dissect every possible meaning to a look, a touch, a simple little thing that turns into this big internal debacle, it more often than not leads to a crummy feeling. Who knows, she may be thinking the same as you right now? She could also just as easily not be thinking about it at all. Sucks to think about, but it'll suck even more to put something on a pedestal that ends up having to be taken down.

Just my view from the story presented. Best of luck. I'm off to chase my own love...

Money.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Mister Gold on September 02, 2014, 02:04:30 PM
No, I've caught colds before. Just never from someone I liked. You're totally right though, that's definitely reading in too much.  You bring up another good point about love delusions, which is something that I'm trying to avoid. I'm just surprised by how much she keeps impressing me.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: lordxizor on September 05, 2014, 08:27:54 PM
So, DTF, I turn to you all and ask for your sagely advice and guidance. What should I do next?
Ask her out for a cup of coffee, beer or something, just the two of you and not before or after a movie thing you were going to do anyway. You pay. If things go well, ask her out to dinner or to do some other date-like thing. Unless she's clueless she'll understand what you're going for. Don't wait too long, because if she is interested in you, you don't want her to move on before you get the guts to ask her. If she's not into you, that's not super likely to change anyway.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Dark Castle on September 05, 2014, 08:41:40 PM
Okcupid is going pretty horribly.
Women who initially message me never respond back when I respond to them.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: SystematicThought on September 05, 2014, 09:00:15 PM
Still no updates from my love interest at work. The only one was Dr. Pepper has a flavor out for the summer called Dr. Pepper Vanilla Float and it was impossible to find around here in Minnesota. She found one in a gas station and came into work the next day and said she bought one for me. Small and insignificant, but all summer long we had talked about that flavor and how we could never find it, so it was cool that she thought of me when she found it.

We were looking at my truck the other day and I was talking about how I polished some rust out of the chrome and that I enjoy doing those things to which she responded that her dad would love me. Another small detail that doesn't mean much but was still cool to hear. Initially when she was telling me about her dad I was unsure, he's a trucker and takes off November to hunt and for some reason I wasn't sure. Apparently I'd get along with her brothers too. She talks about her family a lot with me and introduced me to her sister when she came into our store.

The only negative that has happened recently isn't really a negative but we were talking about an employee at our store who is 27 and dating a 35 year old. When she heard that, she looked at me and said "What could he possibly have in common with a 35 year old?" Which kind of made me think she wouldn't be interested in me since we are nine years apart (20 vs 29). But I didn't read too much into that.

Sorry for the long post. Just nothing has really happened, just updating on recent stuff.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: DebraKadabra on September 10, 2014, 11:31:03 PM
It's interesting being single again after having been in a lengthy relationship. Not in a bad way, just... interesting. I was worried about the cats at first, but they've settled back into their routines quite nicely. Only thing is that Jynx (the younger girl cat) seemed to really settle down upon hearing loud music today before I left for work. :lol   Other than that, I'm excited to see what the future holds.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on September 10, 2014, 11:45:22 PM
Aww, kitties. They'll be aiight.

I haven't posted in one of these threads in ages. Some of you know Tony and I were a legit couple for several years (about five?) and then we sorta took a "break" but continued to see each other once or twice a year (we live in different states). Well, that went on for three years without us ever talking about the elephant in the room. He came out here recently and I initiated a talk about where we were at and where we're going. I told him I don't see myself in any kind of committed relationship in the near future or maybe ever (not sure I'm wired that way) and that I don't want him to feel held back if that's what he wants. I don't know if I ever want to settle down, have a family, any of that, and I don't want to keep him from finding those things if he wants them. He doesn't really seem committed to much other than work right now and said he was okay with the way things are now, just wishes we'd see each other more. So we're gonna try to do that (meaning I may be coming back to Austin soon, Deb :D). Meanwhile I have been seeing people here but never letting anyone get too close. I sorta think I'm gonna end up as an old spinster/cat lady, which is fine by me. I'm stubborn and independent and don't want to rely on someone else, don't really want to share my space with other people, and so on. I know this could change in the future, but it seems to be more true with time.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: DebraKadabra on September 10, 2014, 11:50:35 PM
OMG!!!
 
MOAR TEH JACKIEH VISITZ!!! :panicattack: :lol
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: carl320 on September 14, 2014, 06:20:05 PM
I'm still in the club.  I haven't really been actively looking for a relationship.  I still have an online dating profile but that never gets used.  I think I (finally) have gotten used to being single.  Moving back closer to family helped a bit also.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: rumborak on September 23, 2014, 11:50:26 PM
So, I'm not sure this belongs in this thread, but I just got back from a concert where I waited more than an hour to chat with the two artists. And frankly, I only did that to chat and shake hands with one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen, Nataly Dawn.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Dark Castle on September 23, 2014, 11:52:07 PM
So this one gal from OKcupid added me on facebook and we haven't talked since. I should probably make a move.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Big Hath on September 24, 2014, 08:55:11 AM
So, I'm not sure this belongs in this thread, but I just got back from a concert where I waited more than an hour to chat with the two artists. And frankly, I only did that to chat and shake hands with one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen, Nataly Dawn.

Pomplamoose!
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: rumborak on September 24, 2014, 09:05:50 AM
Yup. That woman is even more stunning in real life than on YouTube. She's also quite tall (would put her at 5'9'' or more), which makes it even better.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on September 24, 2014, 11:59:18 AM
Still no updates from my love interest at work. The only one was Dr. Pepper has a flavor out for the summer called Dr. Pepper Vanilla Float and it was impossible to find around here in Minnesota. She found one in a gas station and came into work the next day and said she bought one for me. Small and insignificant, but all summer long we had talked about that flavor and how we could never find it, so it was cool that she thought of me when she found it.

We were looking at my truck the other day and I was talking about how I polished some rust out of the chrome and that I enjoy doing those things to which she responded that her dad would love me. Another small detail that doesn't mean much but was still cool to hear. Initially when she was telling me about her dad I was unsure, he's a trucker and takes off November to hunt and for some reason I wasn't sure. Apparently I'd get along with her brothers too. She talks about her family a lot with me and introduced me to her sister when she came into our store.

The only negative that has happened recently isn't really a negative but we were talking about an employee at our store who is 27 and dating a 35 year old. When she heard that, she looked at me and said "What could he possibly have in common with a 35 year old?" Which kind of made me think she wouldn't be interested in me since we are nine years apart (20 vs 29). But I didn't read too much into that.

Sorry for the long post. Just nothing has really happened, just updating on recent stuff.

It's those little things that add up sometimes, though. Don't overlook them. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: eric42434224 on September 24, 2014, 12:22:13 PM
Yup. That woman is even more stunning in real life than on YouTube. She's also quite tall (would put her at 5'9'' or more), which makes it even better.

She looks a bit too much like the love child of Justin Beiber and Beck for my taste.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: SystematicThought on September 24, 2014, 01:08:25 PM
It's those little things that add up sometimes, though. Don't overlook them.
It's good to hear that. Yeah, and that's basically what this whole thing has been. Little things that have added up. On this current schedule at work, I had the entire week off and she took the weekend off so last Saturday was the last time we were going to work together for awhile (Monday 29th). I said that to her and she goes "Really?" Looks at the schedule and sees that "That's a long time until I see you again" It was a small thing like that that gives me hope that the feelings are mutual. She also said that maybe she'll be moved in to the upstairs apartment by that time--which has no importance to me besides the fact that we were going to go out to dinner when she did, so I take her saying that as a reference to that.

It ended up that I had to fill in for someone on Monday, so I ended up seeing her the other day and then I had to drop something off yesterday, so I saw her twice this week. I said to her yesterday: "Now seriously, I'll see you next Monday." She smiles and says: "I don't believe you" I told her let's make a bet "Our favorite candy bar that you won't see me until Monday." She agreed.

I feel lame that a week apart made me feel sad.... It's just a week, but it felt like it would be longer  :lol
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on September 24, 2014, 01:13:01 PM
It's those little things that add up sometimes, though. Don't overlook them.
It's good to hear that. Yeah, and that's basically what this whole thing has been. Little things that have added up. On this current schedule at work, I had the entire week off and she took the weekend off so last Saturday was the last time we were going to work together for awhile (Monday 29th). I said that to her and she goes "Really?" Looks at the schedule and sees that "That's a long time until I see you again" It was a small thing like that that gives me hope that the feelings are mutual. She also said that maybe she'll be moved in to the upstairs apartment by that time--which has no importance to me besides the fact that we were going to go out to dinner when she did, so I take her saying that as a reference to that.

It ended up that I had to fill in for someone on Monday, so I ended up seeing her the other day and then I had to drop something off yesterday, so I saw her twice this week. I said to her yesterday: "Now seriously, I'll see you next Monday." She smiles and says: "I don't believe you" I told her let's make a bet "Our favorite candy bar that you won't see me until Monday." She agreed.

I feel lame that a week apart made me feel sad.... It's just a week, but it felt like it would be longer  :lol

I probably didn't read any of your posts in the other thread but have you been on a date with her yet?
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: rumborak on September 24, 2014, 01:14:37 PM
Yup. That woman is even more stunning in real life than on YouTube. She's also quite tall (would put her at 5'9'' or more), which makes it even better.

She looks a bit too much like the love child of Justin Beiber and Beck for my taste.

I have definitely noticed, particularly with Americans, that short hair on women kinda freaks them out. Almost as if they're afraid they might find themselves gay because the girl they date has a slightly boyish look.
I think it looks great on women.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Dr. DTVT on September 24, 2014, 01:20:06 PM
I don't get it either.  Although to be fair the two women I have had the most interest in had inverted bobs, I think they are hot.

(http://media-cache-cd0.pinimg.com/236x/72/b5/ae/72b5ae8378d45caac51147694fce9e47.jpg)
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: SystematicThought on September 24, 2014, 01:20:13 PM
I probably didn't read any of your posts in the other thread but have you been on a date with her yet?
We're going to grab dinner one night soon, once she moves into the apartment above our store. She lives at home right now, which is an hour away from work. I don't know if she is considering it a date or just hanging out, and I never called it a date. The manner in which I asked her might be considered a date. She said she'd never been to this restaurant one day at work and a few days later, I said to her: "So you've never been to this place?" She said no to which I said: "Well, I was thinking that you and I should go one night after work or a day off." She said yes and since then it's been a matter of waiting.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: eric42434224 on September 24, 2014, 01:20:17 PM
Yup. That woman is even more stunning in real life than on YouTube. She's also quite tall (would put her at 5'9'' or more), which makes it even better.

She looks a bit too much like the love child of Justin Beiber and Beck for my taste.

I have definitely noticed, particularly with Americans, that short hair on women kinda freaks them out. Almost as if they're afraid they might find themselves gay because the girl they date has a slightly boyish look.
I think it looks great on women.

What does short hair have to do with it?
No, I just dont like women that look like Justin Beiber.  Short hair is fine and can be hella sexy.  Looking like Justin Beiber....not so much.
But it is just my opinion.  Catherine Bell is one of my Fav's and she has short hair at times.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on September 24, 2014, 01:25:09 PM
I probably didn't read any of your posts in the other thread but have you been on a date with her yet?
We're going to grab dinner one night soon, once she moves into the apartment above our store. She lives at home right now, which is an hour away from work. I don't know if she is considering it a date or just hanging out, and I never called it a date. The manner in which I asked her might be considered a date. She said she'd never been to this restaurant one day at work and a few days later, I said to her: "So you've never been to this place?" She said no to which I said: "Well, I was thinking that you and I should go one night after work or a day off." She said yes and since then it's been a matter of waiting.

Why wait, if you don't mind me asking?
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: SystematicThought on September 24, 2014, 01:29:22 PM
Because of her living situation. She travels to and from work an hour away (so the commute is two hours total) and works nights, so when she's done at work it's 10 at night. Or other days it's ending at 8 and I don't work days since I'm back in school. Once she's finished moving upstairs, which is in the next few days, we'll be 10 minutes away from each other. It just wouldn't make sense to have her travel down on a day off. When she's moved upstairs it'll be easier for both of us, since we can go on a day off and enjoy ourselves.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on September 24, 2014, 01:40:00 PM
Because of her living situation. She travels to and from work an hour away (so the commute is two hours total) and works nights, so when she's done at work it's 10 at night. Or other days it's ending at 8 and I don't work days since I'm back in school. Once she's finished moving upstairs, which is in the next few days, we'll be 10 minutes away from each other. It just wouldn't make sense to have her travel down on a day off. When she's moved upstairs it'll be easier for both of us, since we can go on a day off and enjoy ourselves.

Do you object to driving her home? What about meeting her after work and taking her for coffee or something simple?  Just an idea. I'm not sure how easy traveling is for you. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: SystematicThought on September 24, 2014, 03:17:22 PM
Do you object to driving her home? What about meeting her after work and taking her for coffee or something simple?  Just an idea. I'm not sure how easy traveling is for you.
It's crossed my mind before. I just don't want to be too pushy. We're coworkers, so I don't want to come on too strong. We've said that we're going to grab dinner and have talked about it recently so it's not like she's forgotten or at least I hope not. Once she's moved in upstairs, I think the sky is the limit to what we can do.

I like the suggestions though. It's definitely crossed my mind. I just don't want to blow it by being pushy. This is the first time that it's actually going my way, so I'm bring delicate about how I handle it. There's definitely something between us, and I don't want to snuff out that flame.

And no, I have no objections to driving her home, but I don't think she'd want me to drive out to pick her up and then come back. With our schedules, it's best with her being upstairs and me being at school. It's simpler for both parties.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on September 26, 2014, 01:31:59 PM
That sounds fair enough. I hope it works out for you. Otherwise, you can woo her with some romantic verses from Metropolis Part I.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: SystematicThought on September 26, 2014, 01:35:38 PM
That sounds fair enough. I hope it works out for you. Otherwise, you can woo her with some romantic verses from Metropolis Part I.
I hope it does too. I haven't felt this way for someone in a while, so I'm hoping it does. But yeah, if it doesn't, I can say to her: "But wait, there must be the third and last dance.."

Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on September 26, 2014, 01:40:53 PM
That sounds fair enough. I hope it works out for you. Otherwise, you can woo her with some romantic verses from Metropolis Part I.
I hope it does too. I haven't felt this way for someone in a while, so I'm hoping it does. But yeah, if it doesn't, I can say to her: "But wait, there must be the third and last dance.."

Or you can refer to the good old Count of Tuscany. "Get into my car, let's go for a drive. Along the way I'll be your guide, just step inside."
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: JayOctavarium on September 27, 2014, 12:55:22 AM
I'm desperately and pathetically afraid of being alone. I am also to introverted and afraid of social situations to ever be able to change being alone.


I really hate my life.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: JayOctavarium on September 27, 2014, 12:56:28 AM
I'm desperately and pathetically afraid of being alone. I am also to introverted and afraid of social situations to ever be able to change being alone.


I really hate my life.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: JayOctavarium on September 27, 2014, 01:03:17 AM
And for once I want to feel truely wanted. Needed. Is that too much to ask for? Because I feel lik even when I thought I was... I really wasn't. I've apparently always been expendable. Replaceable.


It hurts. A lot.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: rumborak on October 01, 2014, 08:42:16 PM
Just got back from a date, gooood stuff. Really cute, Dutch, likes rock climbing, and has a PhD in Applied Physics. And, she wants to meet again.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: antigoon on October 01, 2014, 08:43:37 PM
Sounds like your dream woman :lol
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: SystematicThought on October 11, 2014, 09:32:06 PM
Friday may finally be the day we grab dinner. I see her next on Tuesday. She finally moved in yesterday to the apartment. I'm nervous to ask her. We talked about it last week where I asked her if it was okay if we went out on a day off to which she said that was fine (she preferred it that way). I'm just afraid that a week since she moved in may be too soon to ask. I'm pretty sure she'll say yes, but I think it's the nerves that this may finally be happening is getting to me.

I just want it to be Tuesday so I can ask.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Nick on October 11, 2014, 10:02:13 PM
Just got back from a date, gooood stuff. Really cute, Dutch, likes rock climbing, and has a PhD in Applied Physics. And, she wants to meet again.

Ask if her immovable object would like to meet with your irresistible force.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: puppyonacid on October 13, 2014, 06:30:34 AM
Or is she thinks she could see you coming If you moved at the speed of light  :|
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: puppyonacid on October 13, 2014, 06:30:55 AM
*awaits ban notification*
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Ħ on November 12, 2014, 08:33:02 PM
Hey guys...

So...I'm finally free! I decided to pursue something with a friend I had a few years ago, from college. We kept in touch and had a good connection, so I thought, why not? She's very pretty, too.

I asked her if she was interested and she said yes! She's not my gf but we are in the "seeing each other" phase.

The difficult thing is it is long distance but...well, I guess I don't see that as a compelling reason to not try to make it work out. I'm going to see her next month. Bring my guitar and serenade her, I'm thinking. Brown-eyed Girl.

Anyway, thought I'd share with you guys!
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: rumborak on November 12, 2014, 09:59:00 PM
Just got back from a date, gooood stuff. Really cute, Dutch, likes rock climbing, and has a PhD in Applied Physics. And, she wants to meet again.

Ask if her immovable object would like to meet with your irresistible force.

Never replied to this, follow-up to this thing was eventually a total no-go. She totally dragged her feet about replying to my emails after I met her the first time, and then a few days later i saw her at the rock climbing gym, climbing with some guy (which isn't necessarily meaningful, since you always need another person to belay you). I chatted shortly with her but she seemed rather curt.
Well, a few days later, after i sent her a "hey, I'm assuming this isn't going anywhere" email, she replies "yeah, you know, the guy you saw me with, that was my ex husband. Not sure where I am emotionally right now" Since we had connected on FB, I saw that she had married him only two years ago, which must mean they must have called it off very recently.

Either way, very cute, very attractive, but also decidedly this (http://www.blinkydog.com/wp-content/uploads/Dogs-Do-Not-Want-2.jpg). You can't win in those cases.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on November 12, 2014, 11:04:11 PM
So the girl I met on Tinder a couple months ago (first girl I have seen since I broke up with my x-fiance) has asked me to come chill and spend the night at her new place in Queens.  Kind of nervous about this, but obviously excited to see what happens.  Being new to the dating scene, Ive had a hard time reading this girl.  She hardly texts or chats with me, but then we go on a date and everything seems cool.  We didnt talk for a few days so I asked if she was still interested in meeting up again and she actually got a bit snappy about why i was asking that and thats when she invited me to stay over her place.  So I guess that shows she has interest, but just weird.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on November 12, 2014, 11:12:11 PM
So the girl I met on Tinder a couple months ago (first girl I have seen since I broke up with my x-fiance) has asked me to come chill and spend the night at her new place in Queens.  Kind of nervous about this, but obviously excited to see what happens.  Being new to the dating scene, Ive had a hard time reading this girl.  She hardly texts or chats with me, but then we go on a date and everything seems cool.  We didn't talk for a few days so I asked if she was still interested in meeting up again and she actually got a bit snappy about why i was asking that and that's when she invited me to stay over her place.  So I guess that shows she has interest, but just weird.

She's probably trying to read the situation the same as you. She probably doesn't want to come off as too clingy, yet she does seem to have a genuine interest in you. A word of advice:  Never base the relationship on communication through texting and chatting. Chances are she could be distracted by other things while talking to you; it's not unusual. Usually texting and chatting online with someone is purely convenience, a way to fill the gaps between actual face-to-face encounters and even phone calls.

Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: puppyonacid on November 13, 2014, 05:42:13 AM
Just got back from a date, gooood stuff. Really cute, Dutch, likes rock climbing, and has a PhD in Applied Physics. And, she wants to meet again.

Ask if her immovable object would like to meet with your irresistible force.

Never replied to this, follow-up to this thing was eventually a total no-go. She totally dragged her feet about replying to my emails after I met her the first time, and then a few days later i saw her at the rock climbing gym, climbing with some guy (which isn't necessarily meaningful, since you always need another person to belay you). I chatted shortly with her but she seemed rather curt.
Well, a few days later, after i sent her a "hey, I'm assuming this isn't going anywhere" email, she replies "yeah, you know, the guy you saw me with, that was my ex husband. Not sure where I am emotionally right now" Since we had connected on FB, I saw that she had married him only two years ago, which must mean they must have called it off very recently.

Either way, very cute, very attractive, but also decidedly this (http://www.blinkydog.com/wp-content/uploads/Dogs-Do-Not-Want-2.jpg). You can't win in those cases.

Uh huh. Only wants till they can have, then doesn't want.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: rumborak on November 13, 2014, 05:10:25 PM
Yeah. As an ex of mine once put it, she's "damaged goods".
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: MoraWintersoul on November 13, 2014, 05:17:45 PM
Why are we calling people damaged goods over getting conflicted emotions over a divorce? God knows you can be in a let's get back together-no I hate this-I'd like to go on a date with another person-the date only highlighted how much I'm still into my ex-let's get back together cycle after every relationship, let alone a marriage. I'm sure we've had people on the forum in that exact same situation.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: rumborak on November 13, 2014, 05:27:54 PM
That's all fair and true, but I happen to be a pawn in that rebound play. I'm sure it's hard to figure out where she stands, but that doesn't nullify the fact how much it sucks for me to essentially just be a "comparison point" to her ex husband.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: MoraWintersoul on November 13, 2014, 05:37:37 PM
Yeah, but you've only gone on one date. Maybe it's grating for you to date different women for a while and see nothing come out of it, especially if you liked one of them, but essentially if you feel you're an unimportant person in someone's life or maybe just a comparison point, you are, and you don't have to be a protagonist in a story every time you want to (learned that the hard way). When I feel a little used, I usually muse on how many times I've done that to other people in different occasions and my takeaway is that we all kinda suck sometimes. But no one has time for background noise, even if it means that it bites me in the face and that next time around I'm someone's background noise. That's cool, because not everyone has to like me or keep me in their life.

If it makes you feel any better, it doesn't even have to mean that she is comparing between the two of you, just that the very convention of dating reminds her of her husband.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: SystematicThought on November 13, 2014, 11:37:15 PM
My situation is still in progress, but it's still very strong. My mom ended up in the hospital with heart failure a few weeks ago and ended up with all four arteries being 90% clogged and ended up needing surgery. I figured right now wasn't the best time to ask about dinner because I didn't want it to be a pity date. (For those who aren't following this or need a refresher, I'm interested in a girl that works at my family's grocery store, we are planning on grabbing dinner at some point soon). I still went to work while my mom was in the hospital last week, but it was a very fragile time. My dad was never at work and my brother who works at our store was also at the hospital everyday, so it was very difficult last week. I opened up myself to her and just let her know where I was at with the whole thing with my mom. Before she left work that day, she checked up on me to make sure I was okay--I thought that was cool of her because as I said to her, I wasn't expecting her to listen to which she said she had no problem taking the time out of her day to listen to me. I kind of took that to mean she cares about me to some degree  :lol

I was also going through our store's Facebook page the other day and back in June, my mom posted a picture of me holding a bottle of my favorite root beer from our craft soda door. I never saw who liked it, but I went back yesterday and got a nice surprise. I saw that her sister had liked the picture. Now, it may seem like nothing, but I went through our feed and she had never liked anything on our page before--the picture of me was the first thing. I figured that means I've been mentioned before or at least been talked about to some degree. It seemed pretty random that she would like a picture of me on our Facebook without at least having some knowledge of me, and that was before I was introduced to her.

Sorry for the wall of text. She's been gone all week and memories are the only thing I have to go off of.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: puppyonacid on November 14, 2014, 03:13:38 AM
Yeah, but you've only gone on one date. Maybe it's grating for you to date different women for a while and see nothing come out of it, especially if you liked one of them, but essentially if you feel you're an unimportant person in someone's life or maybe just a comparison point, you are, and you don't have to be a protagonist in a story every time you want to (learned that the hard way). When I feel a little used, I usually muse on how many times I've done that to other people in different occasions and my takeaway is that we all kinda suck sometimes. But no one has time for background noise, even if it means that it bites me in the face and that next time around I'm someone's background noise. That's cool, because not everyone has to like me or keep me in their life.

If it makes you feel any better, it doesn't even have to mean that she is comparing between the two of you, just that the very convention of dating reminds her of her husband.

I agree with this and rumboraks POV.

The thing is, even though people do it, it isn't right to work your feelings out for someone by using someone else. If that's what you're doing then you should probably be spending time away from any romantic entanglements.

Oh and yea....I've done it.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: rumborak on November 14, 2014, 05:04:38 PM
And so have I. And I felt really, really bad afterwards.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: jonnybaxy on November 17, 2014, 06:42:04 AM
After a year and a couple months, it's time to say farewell to the club once again.. for now at least :)
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on November 17, 2014, 06:48:42 AM
So the girl I met on Tinder a couple months ago (first girl I have seen since I broke up with my x-fiance) has asked me to come chill and spend the night at her new place in Queens.  Kind of nervous about this, but obviously excited to see what happens.  Being new to the dating scene, Ive had a hard time reading this girl.  She hardly texts or chats with me, but then we go on a date and everything seems cool.  We didn't talk for a few days so I asked if she was still interested in meeting up again and she actually got a bit snappy about why i was asking that and that's when she invited me to stay over her place.  So I guess that shows she has interest, but just weird.

She's probably trying to read the situation the same as you. She probably doesn't want to come off as too clingy, yet she does seem to have a genuine interest in you. A word of advice:  Never base the relationship on communication through texting and chatting. Chances are she could be distracted by other things while talking to you; it's not unusual. Usually texting and chatting online with someone is purely convenience, a way to fill the gaps between actual face-to-face encounters and even phone calls.

So we met up Friday night, went out for a few drinks and dinner and then went back to her place.  She started falling asleep on the couch so I said lets go to bed... we get into her bed and so I start making out with her.  We are going at it pretty good and starting to get the dry humping in a little bit and then she stops saying she has her period.  OK so we stop and go to sleep.  I take off early in the morning as she had requested I take off early because she had friends coming over early from New Hampshire.  Anyway, so I sent her a follow up text saying I had a good time, she responded like 12 hours later just saying she hoped I had a good day, never said she had a good time either.  And then she never responded to my text yesterday so I am not sure whats up.  Im assuming she was lying about the period and that I probably did something that turned her off although I cant say what it was.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Lynxo on November 17, 2014, 08:32:23 AM
So the girl I met on Tinder a couple months ago (first girl I have seen since I broke up with my x-fiance) has asked me to come chill and spend the night at her new place in Queens.  Kind of nervous about this, but obviously excited to see what happens.  Being new to the dating scene, Ive had a hard time reading this girl.  She hardly texts or chats with me, but then we go on a date and everything seems cool.  We didn't talk for a few days so I asked if she was still interested in meeting up again and she actually got a bit snappy about why i was asking that and that's when she invited me to stay over her place.  So I guess that shows she has interest, but just weird.

She's probably trying to read the situation the same as you. She probably doesn't want to come off as too clingy, yet she does seem to have a genuine interest in you. A word of advice:  Never base the relationship on communication through texting and chatting. Chances are she could be distracted by other things while talking to you; it's not unusual. Usually texting and chatting online with someone is purely convenience, a way to fill the gaps between actual face-to-face encounters and even phone calls.

So we met up Friday night, went out for a few drinks and dinner and then went back to her place.  She started falling asleep on the couch so I said lets go to bed... we get into her bed and so I start making out with her.  We are going at it pretty good and starting to get the dry humping in a little bit and then she stops saying she has her period.  OK so we stop and go to sleep.  I take off early in the morning as she had requested I take off early because she had friends coming over early from New Hampshire.  Anyway, so I sent her a follow up text saying I had a good time, she responded like 12 hours later just saying she hoped I had a good day, never said she had a good time either.  And then she never responded to my text yesterday so I am not sure whats up.  Im assuming she was lying about the period and that I probably did something that turned her off although I cant say what it was.
Here's another piece of advice: don't assume what people are thinking. Ask instead. :)
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on November 17, 2014, 08:36:38 AM
Considering I asked previously and she seemed to get defensive about it.  I plan on asking if she doesnt talk to me for another day or two, figure Ill give it time.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on November 18, 2014, 02:12:17 PM
And so I called her out and she said "I was nervous about saying something to you, Im not good with that" blah blah, oh well.  My first time dating someone since I ended an almost 10 year relationship.  Learn from the experience and move on.  :coolio
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: rumborak on November 19, 2014, 10:03:24 AM
Interesting discussion: Saw a (quite cute) Asian girl's profile yesterday, but she goes on in her profile about "don't make me explain to you the difference between a fetish (e.g. for Asians) and being attracted to say, brunettes."

As I was reading that, I thought: "Err, what *is* the difference?"

Does fetish imply obsession?
Also, I'm assuming an Asian man saying "I only go for female Asians" is not a fetish, right? But when a Caucasian says it, it is?
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on November 19, 2014, 10:09:17 AM
I would havee thought a fetish was more specific than just "asians" and a fetish could be an verb and not a noun?  I wouldnt go near someone who has crap like that in their profile.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: rumborak on November 19, 2014, 10:11:58 AM
Well, interestingly, I have a good friend (who sadly is now married to a dumbshit countryman of mine) of Filipino descent, and she had the same problem, that most of the dates she got were of the fetish kind. I wonder what that meant though; did those guys want her to dress up like an Anime character or something?
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on November 19, 2014, 10:17:16 AM
Well, interestingly, I have a good friend (who sadly is now married to a dumbshit countryman of mine) of Filipino descent, and she had the same problem, that most of the dates she got were of the fetish kind. I wonder what that meant though; did those guys want her to dress up like an Anime character or something?

Now that sounds more like a fetish whereas liking only asians seems to be a personal taste.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: TioJorge on November 19, 2014, 10:23:30 AM
Wow. Really?

Yes, one is a perversion and is sexual, and the other is a simple preference. It's not uncommon, there's a good bit of Caucasian (mostly, in my experience, British and American) men that have a fetish for Asian women. I used to have a friend like this. He'd go on and on about how Asian women are the best, and then when I asked why he only wanted to go after Asian women, he'd list all these sexual things, and only sexual things (usually quite perverted...this is coming from ME). It most often is an obsession and can lead to stalking, taking personal items (hairbrush, underwear, deodorant, toothbrush, etc) and in some cases something more sinister (but usually is just creepy and annoying). On the opposite end of the spectrum, there's a very real situation in Japan in which Japanese women have a fetish for (usually white) foreign Males. This may seem like it goes beyond a 'fetish', but that's exactly what it is. Now, I'm sure that the 'Gaijin Hunters' are more obsessive and quite frankly dangerous than the people this girl is referring to, but it really wouldn't be far fetched for her to have experienced something like this. I wouldn't be so quick to assume and blindly judge.

If you'd like to see a great (though a bit long) video on Gaijin Hunters that is more or less just entertaining, but nonetheless informative, check this out (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3hTRrab_s9o) (skip to around the 6 minute mark if you don't have a lot of time). He rambles a bunch but it's a bit eye opening, and could be what this girl is referring to. I'm not sure why or how the relation of Asian women and foreign (again, almost always white) Males formed, and she could just be wanting attention/crazy herself but it is absolutely a real thing that's become even more rampant with the age of the internet.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on November 19, 2014, 10:30:55 AM
Yeah, but you've only gone on one date. Maybe it's grating for you to date different women for a while and see nothing come out of it, especially if you liked one of them, but essentially if you feel you're an unimportant person in someone's life or maybe just a comparison point, you are, and you don't have to be a protagonist in a story every time you want to (learned that the hard way). When I feel a little used, I usually muse on how many times I've done that to other people in different occasions and my takeaway is that we all kinda suck sometimes. But no one has time for background noise, even if it means that it bites me in the face and that next time around I'm someone's background noise. That's cool, because not everyone has to like me or keep me in their life.

If it makes you feel any better, it doesn't even have to mean that she is comparing between the two of you, just that the very convention of dating reminds her of her husband.

I am a fairly recently (almost two years) divorced man, after a fifteen year marriage.  One of the things I was grateful for after the divorce was just meeting people.  Talking to people (men and women) at bars.   Going on dates with no expectation or desire of anything beyond that date.   Not easy (especially for me) but necessary.  The reason I quoted you, MoraWintersoul, is because while you didn't say it outright, I think you are heading down this path, and that is, every date is a necessary part of the NEXT date, even if they are different people.   I have become incredibly lenient with people in this way.  If we go on a date and I fall in love and you don't, that's NOT YOUR FAULT, and you have no obligation - perhaps except for just some human decency - to reciprocate in any way that isn't comfortable for you.   Dating is like playing a football game:  even though you may or may not have ideas on how it SHOULD turn out, you actually play the game precisely because you DON'T know how it's going to turn out until it happens. 

While I was waiting for my divorce to be finalized, I met up with this girl.  Bright, attractive, creative... and we talked via text for a while, talked on the phone, and even went on one date that went very well.  We had experienced similar things, though we lived a little far apart (maybe an hour?).   We went on a second date, and near the end, while kissing she stopped to look at me and I honest to god thought I saw - if not love then at least really strong "I think I found what I am looking for".  We had to get home to our respective sitters, and I left on cloud nine thinking perhaps this was the light at the end of the tunnel.  We talked maybe twice or three times after and that was it.  She didn't really give any detailed explanation, just that it didn't feel right.   And I thought about all the emotions I could have and it dawned on me; she owed me nothing, and at least I could take from this that there was life after divorce and there were bright, attractive, creative people out there, and I had gotten my "post-divorce dating jitters" out of the way! 

I did text her on her birthday and she said she was in a relationship and happy, and to this day I don't know if she was dating multiple people, or if she got back with someone from her past or met someone new, but it didn't matter.   If she's not 100% invested in me, and 100% sure I'm the right guy for her, why would I even want to date her?   And why should I expect her to figure all that out on my time table? 

Postcript:  A couple months from when I met the first girl, I met another girl (interestingly, same first name) and we have been together now for over a year, and it DOES feel right.   I think back now and there is almost no comparison.  I don't miss the first girl, don't regret the first girl, and am grateful that I experienced that, so that I could be open and appreciative of what I have now. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on November 19, 2014, 10:54:10 AM
Wow, Stadler, what you just said i can relate to.  Such a very similar situation minus I wasnt married but engaged, but same scenario with meeting that first lady after and having the same results.  I feel the same about no one owes anyone anything in dating.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on November 19, 2014, 10:55:43 AM
Don't want to hijack the thread, but "fetish" doesn't have to be perverse, and it doesn't have to be sexual.   There are, though, people that WILL NOT date outside of a certain race; at the point that it becomes "purposeful" is the point at which I think it moves from "preference" to "fetish". 

I also think her example ("Asian women" and "brunettes") is misleading.  You CAN have a fetish for brunettes.  And you can just prefer Asian women (or whatever feature it is about Asian women that attracts you) without it being a "fetish".
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: TioJorge on November 19, 2014, 11:01:18 AM
Right, there are different circumstances and definitions of the word; what I'm referring to is perverse. But yes, that was kind of my point; you can certainly only want to date Asian women or only Brunettes, but if all your reasons are about pussy, ass, tits, and anything sexual, it's a perversion, not a preference. Also yes, the latter half of her profile quote is misleading, didn't catch that.

Anyway, just making conversation. On with your loneliness!  :tup :P
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: MoraWintersoul on November 19, 2014, 11:22:47 AM
Regarding the so-called Yellow Fever, this is an article that sheds some light on it from an East Asian woman living in America:

http://www.thebolditalic.com/articles/3180-why-yellow-fever-is-different-than-having-a-type-

Quote
For instance, it is true that I tend to be drawn to well-dressed men who are taller than me, but I donít assume anything about them besides the fact that they are well-dressed and taller. But just because Iím Asian and female, why do some men make the automatic assumptions that I am quiet, docile, great at domestic tasks, eager to please men, and my vagina is more magical than average? And, I am supposed to feel complimented when those people are attracted to me?

Being in love with the idea of someone without actually getting to know the person as an individual is unfair and disrespectful. Itís an awful feeling to realize that the cute guy who approached you is as interested in you as he is in every other girl who shares your race: Youíre as special as millions of others.

Thatís totally cool if you think straight black hair and almond-shaped dark eyes are beautiful: I like them too! But if you find me physically attractive because of that, and try to learn more about me, you can decide whether my personality is equally charming Ė just like I have the choice of deciding if youíre worth my time and company. But someone expecting me to fulfill all the cultural stereotypes of my race that heís infatuated with? That is called prejudiced ignorance and refusal to recognize me as a complex real human being. It doesnít matter if the person is Asian himself or not. If you want to date me or have sex with me, with the expectations that Iíll carry out your pre-conceived notions of Asian women, then you have Yellow Fever.

Regarding the other conversation we were having, I've had this thing for the past several months where my behavior and my role in my relationship were under scrutiny, and I was having a hard time understanding why I wasn't unconditionally accepted back when I've unconditionally accepted him already. In my head, it seemed like I was owed something, but the other person totes has the right to say - this thing you do, I don't like it; or, this trait you have, it's toxic and holding you back and you should change it. The not owing thing doesn't even change in a relationship, but sometimes it's hard to perceive that when you're on the receiving end.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: TioJorge on November 19, 2014, 11:25:16 AM
Thanks for posting that, Mora! Enlightening and disturbing.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on November 19, 2014, 11:39:35 AM
Quote
But just because Iím Asian and female, why do some men make the automatic assumptions that I am quiet, docile, great at domestic tasks, eager to please men, and my vagina is more magical than average? 

Thus the difference between a man and a woman.  A woman comes up to me and says "I assume your penis is more magical than average" and my first response is "Will you marry me?".

I'm kidding of course; seriously, I think that woman nailed the difference perfectly:  when the trait subsumes all else, it is a fetish.

Quote
Regarding the other conversation we were having, I've had this thing for the past several months where my behavior and my role in my relationship were under scrutiny, and I was having a hard time understanding why I wasn't unconditionally accepted back when I've unconditionally accepted him already. In my head, it seemed like I was owed something, but the other person totes has the right to say - this thing you do, I don't like it; or, this trait you have, it's toxic and holding you back and you should change it. The not owing thing doesn't even change in a relationship, but sometimes it's hard to perceive that when you're on the receiving end.

Not knowing what the trait is (and it's none of our business), DOES someone have the right to say "this trait... you should change it"?  That was another lesson I sort of ingrained from the experience of my marriage, which has SUPREMELY helped my dating (though hasn't always endeared myself to the women I have dated): isn't it up to me to take or leave what I'm given?  I tried to "change" my ex wife ("change" meaning get her to seek help for various things that were holding her back and hurting those around her) to no avail, and have come to think that wasn't something I could ever have been successful at.   

I went on another date, after the first girl, and she was very pretty, VERY smart (Ivy), well-connected socially and politically, up for anything in a healthy, non-threatening way, but not perfect.   She was a little heavy (which isn't a deal breaker for me at all) but was heading toward getting a little bitter (a big red flag) and was a HORRID kisser, which, ultimately, were deal breakers.  Was it my obligation to "turn" her into what I - one man among 150 million +/- here in the States - consider a "good" kisser?  Or force her to ignore 20 years of experience and see things more positively? 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on November 20, 2014, 02:11:39 AM
And so I called her out and she said "I was nervous about saying something to you, Im not good with that" blah blah, oh well.  My first time dating someone since I ended an almost 10 year relationship.  Learn from the experience and move on.  :coolio

Sorry I missed the last couple of updates.  So she finally budged after you put a little pressure on her? 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on November 20, 2014, 06:32:55 AM
And so I called her out and she said "I was nervous about saying something to you, Im not good with that" blah blah, oh well.  My first time dating someone since I ended an almost 10 year relationship.  Learn from the experience and move on.  :coolio

Sorry I missed the last couple of updates.  So she finally budged after you put a little pressure on her?

I guess you can say that.  I just told her I got the hint.  I guess if i never said anything she would have just ignored me until I went away.  Kind of disrespectful when I spent like 400 bucks total across our 6 dates and slept in her bed with her the last time we met, but oh well.  Im actually happy overall with the experience though.  She was a girl I could talk do and enjoy being around when I was going through a rough patch dealing with my ex.  Also kind of weird that she kept seeing me while my ex was still living in my house and then as soon as my ex finally moves out is when she stops wanting to see me.  I thought that was going to make her have more interest, but what do I know.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on November 20, 2014, 08:23:33 AM
Women are magical creatures. One minute they're testing their gag reflex, the next minute they just want to be friends.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: TioJorge on November 20, 2014, 08:56:52 AM
 :rollin

Fucking A.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on November 20, 2014, 10:36:31 AM
:rollin

Fucking A.

Cant say it any better myself
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: JayOctavarium on November 20, 2014, 06:13:11 PM
Women are magical creatures. One minute they're testing their gag reflex, the next minute they just want to be friends.

:rollin
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: DebraKadabra on November 21, 2014, 03:08:34 PM
I'm desperately and pathetically afraid of being alone. I am also to introverted and afraid of social situations to ever be able to change being alone.

Not so much on the second sentence, but definitely yes on the first one. It sucks... it's so crippling and needy and... yeah... not to say that I don't have good days, which I do, it's just always in the back of my mind and I don't know how to shut it up.

I do feel I made the right decision, however. I just need to get used to me again.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Sacul on November 21, 2014, 06:20:21 PM
I'm desperately and pathetically afraid of being alone. I am also to introverted and afraid of social situations to ever be able to change being alone.

Not so much on the second sentence, but definitely yes on the first one. It sucks... it's so crippling and needy and... yeah... not to say that I don't have good days, which I do, it's just always in the back of my mind and I don't know how to shut it up.
It's all fault of our society and the Extroverted Ideal. That stupid paradigm that says if you don't hang out, go to discos, get drunk, be talkative, spend all your free time with friends and social activities, take non-sense decisions and regret later, have hundreds of friends, etc., you're just a weird alien from Venus that deserves to be alone. And it's all light years far from truth. Us introverts need to spend time alone, doing things. It's not that we dislike social situations, but they actually make us waste energy, while extroverts gain it from those environments.
Thus, we have just a few friends, prefer to stay home than to go out and spend lots of time alone. And lots of girls/mans see that as a flaw. As a shy, hollow person that will never achieve something on life. And that's funny considering most of the greatest scientists, the big mayority of the world's top CEOs, and lots of big artists (musicians, writers, painters) are actually introverts.

I'm reading a superb book on introversion, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking, by Susan Cain. It narrates how our society shifted from one which valued character to another that puts personality above everything else. And also relates a lot of studies done on introversion, their biological explanations, how the environment shapes us, and a lot of insight that has helped me to better understand myself. You guys (and gal) should read it, even if you're an extrovert.

As for the thread, I have never dated someone. I just don't know how to approach them. And I'm afraid that they will get bored of me just because I don't hang out with them and dislike little talk. I'm not desperate to have a girlfriend now, but it'd be nice to make me feel a little bit less alone. I've heard online dating sites might be helpful. some advise on these places?
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on November 21, 2014, 06:33:00 PM
I'm desperately and pathetically afraid of being alone. I am also to introverted and afraid of social situations to ever be able to change being alone.

Not so much on the second sentence, but definitely yes on the first one. It sucks... it's so crippling and needy and... yeah... not to say that I don't have good days, which I do, it's just always in the back of my mind and I don't know how to shut it up.
It's all fault of our society and the Extroverted Ideal. That stupid paradigm that says if you don't hang out, go to discos, get drunk, be talkative, spend all your free time with friends and social activities, take non-sense decisions and regret later, have hundreds of friends, etc., you're just a weird alien from Venus that deserves to be alone. And it's all light years far from truth. Us introverts need to spend time alone, doing things. It's not that we dislike social situations, but they actually make us waste energy, while extroverts gain it from those environments.
Thus, we have just a few friends, prefer to stay home than to go out and spend lots of time alone. And lots of girls/mans see that as a flaw. As a shy, hollow person that will never achieve something on life. And that's funny considering most of the greatest scientists, the big mayority of the world's top CEOs, and lots of big artists (musicians, writers, painters) are actually introverts.

I'm reading a superb book on introversion, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking, by Susan Cain. It narrates how our society shifted from one which valued character to another that puts personality above everything else. And also relates a lot of studies done on introversion, their biological explanations, how the environment shapes us, and a lot of insight that has helped me to better understand myself. You guys (and gal) should read it, even if you're an extrovert.

As for the thread, I have never dated someone. I just don't know how to approach them. And I'm afraid that they will get bored of me just because I don't hang out with them and dislike little talk. I'm not desperate to have a girlfriend now, but it'd be nice to make me feel a little bit less alone. I've heard online dating sites might be helpful. some advise on these places?

I consider myself an introvert, but relate more to Debra than Jay.  While I just got out of a serious long term relationship and constantly question myself whether I like being alone vs with someone, I dont feel scared or that I cannot handle this.  I very much enjoy my alone time, and I often find ways to schedule alone time in my busy work schedule, but I also try and want to find time to be with friends and family.  I have a small group of friends, but I try to be open and honest with them and I think that helps with coping with being alone as an introvert.  It helps to have a good support system I guess.  Throughout my breakup and going through the ups and downs of being single, my friends and family were always there for me.  I guess that cant be said for everyone, but it definitely helps.  I feel my decision to leave a long relationship was right, but it has been tough. 

Also, while I do feel society does in general reward extroverts more than introverts, you can in fact find your niche and be a successful introvert.  I like to think I am one of those. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Sacul on November 21, 2014, 08:13:53 PM
Being alone it's not the same as feeling alone. People that makes you feel like they don't care about you it's heart-breaking. I was just pointing out that, at least for me, getting a girl interested in me, and who doesn't care about flirting or typical extrovert stuff, is really tough.
In fact, I found one long time ago, and we were long-time friends, and I kind of fell in love with her. But I was too coward to ask her something more serious, and then some crap happened and we just don't talk each other anymore. I'd love to retake our relationship and start from zero, but everything is so damaged now. She was the nearest thing I've been to having a girlfriend.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: JayOctavarium on November 23, 2014, 05:18:18 PM
Being alone is weird to me. Like... I'm not sure what my relationship status is. If anything I'd place it in "we are living together working on things." It's better than it was... but like... during all this I am spending a LOT of time alone... which I am not really used to.  I spent most of the past 7 years usually with someone... whether it's my girlfriend at the time... my closest friends... or even texting / IMing someone. But now... when I am not with Panda I am just sitting here. My two closest friends haven't really spoken to me in months. They don't agree with my relationship. I don't have the money to go out and socialize, nor do I have a reliable vehicle to do so (my car is on it's last leg). I just sit here. I do have a few people I can text but they are all either kinda off limits to go hang out with (My ex's sister...) or the live states away.

I've gotten in to playing World Of Warcraft... which is strange because I used to despise the game... But I am still reminded of the fact that I am sitting here alone. That my relationship is... like... so close to dead it's not even funny. That my closest friends refuse to talk to me (well one of them does sometimes... but usually it's work related since we work security in complexes very near eachother)...


So I just sit here. browsing DTF and listening to Pandora waiting for it to be late enough in the evening to justify getting ready for bed.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Sacul on November 23, 2014, 06:45:15 PM
Damn, that's so... awful. And sad. If you aren't used to being alone, you should start a pet project to fill the void. Maybe more than one. Just look into your passions, and start doing something. It doesn't have to be great nor something that will make you rich/famous. But it will make you happier, and feel less alone. Or at least, to forget your solitude. Writing helps me on that.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on November 24, 2014, 07:17:33 AM
I agree with the above, essentially my advice is to find something to do that you find enjoyable to help fill that void.  Sitting around and sulkin in your sorrows will never help release you from that feeling.  Ive done that myself in the past, laying in bed and not doing anything to change how you feel.  Lately for me, I've felt the best way for me to be happy and find happyness alone is to push myself to do things "the old me" wouldnt have done.  For me, that is going out a lot more and not caring what other people think of me and seeing what can happen if I do this or do that.  I have to travel a lot and I travel alone sometimes and its an even worse feeling when you are thousands of miles away from anyone you know and you are sitting in a hotel room alone.  Doing that for a few weeks helped motivate me to drop my guard and see what can happen if I go out and explore the world. 

Maybe without having a car and money, that is more difficult, but how does one get money and a car to do things?  Get a good job! So one thing to do is maybe teach yourself something and see if you can develop a skill that can help you build a career.  That will also help build some confidence in yourself and feel better.  Nothing feels so good as the feeling of accomplishment (and sex).

Just my two cents.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: JayOctavarium on November 24, 2014, 11:30:18 AM
I've got the job thing covered. I have a very stable job and am constantly looking to take the next step up. (I am an assistant supervisor for a security company. I work a rather large residential area... Seems like there's not much to the job but to be honest the politics of the job are insane.) I am looking to either bump up to post commander, or get a job working traffic / non sworn type shit with the police. It's only a matter of time until one of the two happen. As for a hobby... I used to write. A lot. Poetry... when I was in high school. That was my thing. Sadly though I kinda lost my writing ability when my dad died a few years ago. I also used to be way in to photography...  but that really died too a few years ago. I started to get in to it again... thanks to the crispness of my new phone (I do want to get a DSLR one day) but that phone decided it wanted to take a swim in the marina. So... that's kinda... dead for now.

The only thing I have is to focus on work. The problem is there's not a whole lot to focus on when I am not physically here... and when I am concerned about what's going on at work while I am home.. it takes a toll on my relationship. ugh.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on November 24, 2014, 12:08:18 PM
Didnt mean to make it sound like you didnt have a job or anything, just based on what you said about not having money and a reliable car I thought some good advice would be to work on your career, but regardless you listed a bunch of things you used to like and gave excuses as to why you dont do them anymore.  Got to get out of the habit of finding an excuse not to do something and find the reason TO DO something.  I think you have your reason already, just need to act on it.  Just my thoughts, but I am no psychologist and I have not had any experiences with helping other people, Ive only been working on helping myself get out of my own rut that Ive lived in for the last year or two and some of the things I have done are ending a very serious long relationship that I felt was dragging me down and making me unhappy.  I got a new job.  Ive opened up more to my friends and family about myself and my personal issues and feelings.  And I fill my downtime with things I enjoy doing and not laying around thinking about how I wasted the last year or two of my life (which is really hard to stop thinking about).
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: JayOctavarium on November 24, 2014, 12:38:19 PM
It's all good. I hope to find a better paying job soon... and when I do I will be able to get my car fixed and buy myself a camera and maybe get back in to video editing (which I used to be big in to.) It just feels like I am stuck because of my money situation. The jobs I have been going out for have had very tough competition. I was one of 200 people going out for 6 spots recently. The job would have been nice. almost double my current pay and I would have been working here in my town. I've got the qualifications and the resume and recommendations for these jobs I am looking at. It's just a matter of time. I also feel that if I was bringing in better money it would take a lot of stress off of my relationship.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on November 24, 2014, 12:46:08 PM
Money helps many things, but cant buy you happiness.  A lesson I tell myself regularly. 

Sadly with jobs, its often not what you know but who you know.  If you keep it at, something will come your way.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: JayOctavarium on November 24, 2014, 12:53:09 PM
Oh I know it won't buy the happiness.. but it will allow me a few tools to help me on my way to happiness. Lol


I have a glowing letter of rec from a former Santa Barbara DA and I am working on shmoozing the Chief of Police here.  She's a resident  where I work. :lol   

Hopefully with those individuals backing me I can make a dent in the job search.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on November 24, 2014, 01:55:22 PM
Hope so too, good luck man!

Anyway, as for finding a girl.  I went out to the local bar Friday night with my buddy and I was really drunk.  Being in that state makes it so much easier to approach a woman and so I told my friend to pick any girl in the bar and I would approach her saying whatever you want me to say.  So he picked the a slamming brunette and told me to say "I think you are pretty can I buy you a drink?"  Well the first girl declined and so I said find another and he picked out the hottest blonde... and well she accepted and turned out to be really nice and friendly.  She actually did a shot with me instead but then he friend came by and forced her to the bathroom and when they got back they seemed less friendly.  I guess her friend didnt like me enough.  Oh well, that was defintiely a confidence booster even though I was drunk.  Got to find that courage when I am not drinking.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: JayOctavarium on November 24, 2014, 02:02:06 PM
It's tough. I find that I only ever have that courage, outside of drinking, when I really don't need it lol
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on November 25, 2014, 12:05:11 PM
It's all fault of our society and the Extroverted Ideal. That stupid paradigm that says if you don't hang out, go to discos, get drunk, be talkative, spend all your free time with friends and social activities, take non-sense decisions and regret later, have hundreds of friends, etc., you're just a weird alien from Venus that deserves to be alone. And it's all light years far from truth. Us introverts need to spend time alone, doing things. It's not that we dislike social situations, but they actually make us waste energy, while extroverts gain it from those environments.
Thus, we have just a few friends, prefer to stay home than to go out and spend lots of time alone. And lots of girls/mans see that as a flaw. As a shy, hollow person that will never achieve something on life. And that's funny considering most of the greatest scientists, the big mayority of the world's top CEOs, and lots of big artists (musicians, writers, painters) are actually introverts.

At the risk of being all "Dr. Phil" here, there's a lot of crap in that post.   Honestly?  I don't know one person who actually thinks "introverts" are "shy hollow people" with no hope of achievement.    Frankly, it's far more likely that just plain no one gives a shit.   I don't mean about you, personally, but about how people choose to spend their day.   This is the difference between focusing on the nonsense of what some advertiser wants you to think in the 30 seconds he/she has to shill her product or focusing on living your life how you want to live it.   Put an ad on Match or eHarmony and say exactly what you said.  I think you might be surprised at the number of women who are looking for a man to be an adult and be willing to focus on her, as opposed to being the town drunk or the life of the party. 

One thing I've found in my experience with the whole partner scene is... there is someone for everyone.   If Jeff the Vomit Guy can find a mate (Google it, but NSFW) then someone who is "merely" socially awkward in certain circumstances doesn't have a lot of leg to stand on.   You may not have the same number of options as, say, Derek Jeter, but the odds of you being the only one in your position is slim to none, for better or worse.   

Quote
As for the thread, I have never dated someone. I just don't know how to approach them. And I'm afraid that they will get bored of me just because I don't hang out with them and dislike little talk. I'm not desperate to have a girlfriend now, but it'd be nice to make me feel a little bit less alone. I've heard online dating sites might be helpful. some advise on these places?

Respectfully, now, the notion that "someone will get bored with you" is not introversion.  That's something else.  Introvert, extrovert or pervert, I think the first step is being willing to put whatever it is you are out there.  I am very much an introvert, and more often than not (though, admittedly, not always) would much prefer to sit in, put on some Floyd, and read or play PS3.  At this point (I'm 47) I don't pitch it as a "flaw", I pitch it as a plus. 

Advice?  Patience.  Honesty.  Don't be a douchebag (not that you would be).  I think the one "problem" with online dating sites is that they are a useful tool, but they aren't the wild west of the internet, and yet some people choose to use them as if they were.  Meaning, on a site like this, or in a YouTube comments section, you don't usually have to back up what you say in person at some point.  Ideally, in a dating situation, you will.   I have met several bright, attractive, smart people on my relatively short stay on "Match.com" and some of them I am still friends with, even if there were no romantic sparks.  I have also met some weird, delusional people as well, but isn't that a cross-section of life?   
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: JayOctavarium on November 26, 2014, 12:27:05 PM
Woah. My supervisor, who owns a Martial Arts studio, is offering me free unlimited classes... which usually costs $100 + a month. I think after the new year I'm going to check it out. Maybe this could be my... thing...
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on December 16, 2014, 07:50:58 AM
Is it strange to go on a 2 night random road trip to Boston (from NYC area) with a girl you've only met twice?  The girl and I both agreed it is, yet we are still doing it.  Wondering if I am (and I guess she too although it was my idea) completely nuts.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: TheGreatPretender on December 16, 2014, 08:11:35 AM
Is it strange to go on a 2 night random road trip to Boston (from NYC area) with a girl you've only met twice?  The girl and I both agreed it is, yet we are still doing it.  Wondering if I am (and I guess she too although it was my idea) completely nuts.

If you ask me, there's absolutely not enough spontaneity in this world. Everything is planned meticulously, and people always second guess themselves, trying to make sure that everything they do conforms to societal norms. I think the world could use a little more of that adventurous spirit. So I say go for it and don't worry about whether it's strange.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: rumborak on December 16, 2014, 08:30:15 AM
Word, TGP. The lack of spontaneity is pretty bad these days.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on December 16, 2014, 08:31:38 AM
Yeah, I don't really think that's strange.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: TheGreatPretender on December 16, 2014, 08:41:26 AM
Word, TGP. The lack of spontaneity is pretty bad these days.

I mean, considering how many creeps there are out there, I can't entirely blame people for being on the paranoid side, but that's why it's called "taking chances".

Last year, I took an impromptu trip to New York to meet a girl I've been talking to for less than a month. Things didn't pan out, there really wasn't any chemistry there, unfortunately, but hey, it was my first time in New York (and U.S. in general), I got to visit museums and Times Square, and stayed in a sketchy hotel in The Bronx, and just got a chance to leave the comfort zone of my home, family and city, which is something I've never done. I don't regret it one bit, and it made for a great experience and a good story.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on December 16, 2014, 08:42:05 AM
Cool, glad to know I havent gone insane yet.  As for spontaneity, I told her the truth about myself which is that I've spent the last bunch of years of my life feeling like I wasted it by not being adventurous and not going outside of my comfort zone and that I want to live life to the fullest now.  Im just glad she is cool with it too, should be fun.  Booked our stay at the Intercontinental Boston hotel which looks awesome. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: TheGreatPretender on December 16, 2014, 09:16:10 AM
It's very easy to get into that mundane routine of things, and just start living life on autopilot, basically, content to live each day just like the last. Work, do chores, pay bills, drink beer, repeat.
That's what's gonna make you go insane!  :lol

It's always good to get out of it and at least do something different once in a while. Personally, every time I get into any kind of a routine for too long, I just go into a slump and become really lethargic.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on December 16, 2014, 09:19:47 AM
Women are magical creatures. One minute they're testing their gag reflex, the next minute they just want to be friends.

I just lost it in my cube at work  :rollin :rollin
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: SystematicThought on December 30, 2014, 11:09:29 PM
The girl at work that I like gave me a Christmas gift. I gave her one a week before Christmas (a 12 pack of Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper, a rare one that is impossible to find here in Minnesota). I've never seen her smile like she did when I gave her the 12 pack. It was a great moment.

Last night when we were walking out of work together, she told me she had something for me. I really wasn't expecting to get anything back from her. She handed me a gift bag that had some weight to it. Since she hates opening gifts in front of people and vice versa, she told me not to open it in front of her. We talked for a few more minutes and eventually left--mind you it was about 8 degrees out  :lol so I was just happy to talk to her for five extra minutes.

The gift was awesome--she said it wasn't as thoughtful as what I got her, but I disagree. To an outsider, it's just a bunch of things thrown in a bag, but each one has a story that runs throughout the year.
2 24 oz bottles of Dr. Pepper--she knows its my favorite soda.
2 cans of Lacroix Cherry Lime Water-- I bought her a can back in October. We both hate most Lacroix water flavors, but when I gave her one she loved it and I said that it was one my favorite flavored waters.
A bag of Sour Patch Kids-- We were talking a few weeks back about candy canes and I said that they need to make Sour Patch Kids Candy Canes, its one of my favorite candies. Lo and behold, I found that they do actually make SPK candy canes.
Wax Bottle Candies--I had mentioned back in June or July that I love these
Mike & Ike Italian Ice Flavors--Our store had these on order for the summer, but we never got our shipment. She knew I was disappointed that we never got them.
Reese's Christmas Tree--She knows I love Reese's peanut butter cups.

The thought that went into the gift was amazing to me and that she remembered some of this stuff blew me away. She's amazing. It was sweet of her and it just added to the reasons why I like her. And we are grabbing dinner together hopefully sometime in January. I think things are looking up here in this situation--I can't help but feel after the gift exchange that there definitely has to be mutual feelings between us.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on January 02, 2015, 07:22:19 AM


The thought that went into the gift was amazing to me and that she remembered some of this stuff blew me away. She's amazing. It was sweet of her and it just added to the reasons why I like her. And we are grabbing dinner together hopefully sometime in January. I think things are looking up here in this situation--I can't help but feel after the gift exchange that there definitely has to be mutual feelings between us.

Dude, I'm usually the one saying "cool your jets; sometimes a random act of kindness is just that, random", but I think you hit the nail on the head.  A LOT of thought went into that gift, and in my humble experience, that isn't something people just do anymore without some incentive.

Good luck to you.   
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: JayOctavarium on January 02, 2015, 05:59:07 PM
The last few months have been hell.


No idea what the hell is going on.

I feel like we kinda are together. Yet... when it comes down to  it, I get told NO we aren't. It's a slap in the face.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on January 02, 2015, 08:26:25 PM
My trip to Boston was awesome. The girl who I had only met 2 times previously was a ton of fun. We get along real well and did lots of touristy things for the two days and also had our fun. My only problem is was put in touch with another girl who I just met who I may like more now.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: JayOctavarium on January 02, 2015, 08:43:00 PM
:facepalm:
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: JayOctavarium on January 07, 2015, 01:31:08 AM
Ok. So... We aren't together but are / will be doing the roommate thing. I'm working on distracting myself.


I've been working for a month to accept this. And as soon as I start to, my car dies. Ive been trying to look on the positive side of everything... But it's tough.


I have been reminded though that apparently a girl that was obsessed with me in high school still is and wants to hook up. Problem is she's in Seattle... And she's kinda intensely psycho at times. There's a reason I never hooked up with her back then. Haha


So I guess there's still hope

Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: SystematicThought on January 07, 2015, 10:53:20 PM
Dude, I'm usually the one saying "cool your jets; sometimes a random act of kindness is just that, random", but I think you hit the nail on the head.  A LOT of thought went into that gift, and in my humble experience, that isn't something people just do anymore without some incentive.

Good luck to you.
She told me it was a lucky guess on the Italian Ice Mike & Ike's. She said she saw them at Cub Foods and thought they looked interesting--but everything else was right.

Her and I had one of our off days yesterday though, I hate when those happen. She was kinda moody all day and we didn't really laugh or talk much which was abnormal since we usually do at work. Stadler, I think you're relatively new to my story, but do you think an age gap of 20 years old and 29 years old is something to do a double take at?
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: puppyonacid on January 08, 2015, 03:14:55 AM
.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on January 08, 2015, 07:11:34 AM
Dude, I'm usually the one saying "cool your jets; sometimes a random act of kindness is just that, random", but I think you hit the nail on the head.  A LOT of thought went into that gift, and in my humble experience, that isn't something people just do anymore without some incentive.

Good luck to you.
She told me it was a lucky guess on the Italian Ice Mike & Ike's. She said she saw them at Cub Foods and thought they looked interesting--but everything else was right.

Her and I had one of our off days yesterday though, I hate when those happen. She was kinda moody all day and we didn't really laugh or talk much which was abnormal since we usually do at work. Stadler, I think you're relatively new to my story, but do you think an age gap of 20 years old and 29 years old is something to do a double take at?

Fair question, but honestly, I would say no, IF you both are out of school (or at least almost done), though you're right at the edge, because one of you is legal and one of you is not.  I'm older than you, but I'm dating someone who is seven years younger, and it is not an issue at all.  I mean, not even 0.0001%. 

To me, it is about mindset and being honest with yourself and her:  do you share experience and focusing on the things you have in common, or do you focus on the things you don't?   If you (or her) are the type to do the latter, it may catch up to you.   When I got divorced (about two years ago) initially I put no limits (other than legal ones) on who I would date.  The youngest was about 26 (19 years difference) and the oldest was about 55 (10 years difference) and though both of those lasted all of one date each, neither ended because of age.  The "sweet spot" for me turned out to be about 6-8 years younger than me, and it literally has not been an issue one bit.   It's like anything else:  it gets to be a problem only when it gets to be a problem, if that makes sense. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on January 08, 2015, 07:13:36 AM
I think the older you get the age gap matters less.

My 29 year old buddy was dating a 20 year old.  He loved it because he didnt have to spend money on her at the bar.  So thats a positive.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: SystematicThought on January 09, 2015, 12:19:52 AM
I turn 21 in March, so that's almost not an issue. One of the reasons why I started liking her was that we had a lot in common and could talk about things very easily. Conversation came easily and we got along. She was very open about her family with me and she introduced me to her sister back in July when she came into our store (which didn't mean anything, she didn't remember me the next time she came into the store or at least not my name). I've just found her to be a great person to be around. When my mom was in the hospital with heart failure and a quadruple bypass last month, she was a rock for me and someone I could go and talk to when I was having difficulty in that situation.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on January 29, 2015, 10:19:44 PM
Back to the dating board.  I never thought I'd have to deal with this again.  So I joined OKCupid, or should I say rejoined.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: JayOctavarium on January 29, 2015, 11:16:46 PM
LOL K Cupid.


The only activity I had on it in months was a friend from high school hitting me up with a "Don't I know you?"


And then we continued a convo on facebook that fizzled out a few months ago about a new job of hers.

Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on January 29, 2015, 11:18:56 PM
I've met a few people from there but for the most part it's been nothing but fail.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on January 30, 2015, 08:46:47 AM
My friend had anal sex on a first date with a girl from okcupid. I'll be seeing the girl I met on that site tonight, taking her to a ska concert reel big fish and less than Jake although I'm kind of sick.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on January 30, 2015, 12:09:58 PM
My friend had anal sex on a first date with a girl from okcupid.

There's something both awesome and awful about that.   :) 

Quote
I'll be seeing the girl I met on that site tonight, taking her to a ska concert reel big fish and less than Jake although I'm kind of sick.

Now, imagine the story if you get anal sex at the less than jake show.   Something to shoot for!
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on January 30, 2015, 01:02:02 PM
My friend had anal sex on a first date with a girl from okcupid. I'll be seeing the girl I met on that site tonight, taking her to a ska concert reel big fish and less than Jake although I'm kind of sick.

I had sex on a first date with a girl from that site, too.  The next girl I dated was a prude though so it always depends.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: rumborak on January 30, 2015, 04:30:40 PM
I've been on one too where the girl said she wasn't gonna consider a second date unless she checked the goods. I went along with it, but it clearly wasn't going to be a long-term thing.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on January 31, 2015, 09:08:59 AM
I've been on one too where the girl said she wasn't gonna consider a second date unless she checked the goods. I went along with it, but it clearly wasn't going to be a long-term thing.

She didn't like the merchandise?
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on January 31, 2015, 09:10:54 AM
My experience with Match isn't terribly different, but I think I'm talking about a little older demographic, so that might have something to do with it.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on January 31, 2015, 09:43:20 AM
My experience with Match isn't terribly different, but I think I'm talking about a little older demographic, so that might have something to do with it.

Basically.  I've noticed it to be the same way.  Though I had worse luck on Match.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on February 02, 2015, 12:23:54 PM
My experience with Match isn't terribly different, but I think I'm talking about a little older demographic, so that might have something to do with it.

Basically.  I've noticed it to be the same way.  Though I had worse luck on Match.

I've not tried OKCupid, but I know on Match, there were a fair number of women that thought it's all going to play out like on "Twilight" or something, which (and I apologize in advance) explains why they are still single at that point in their lives, and just as many that figure "YOLO", and acknowledge the cutesy, coy back and forth that is so cool at 19 is not so cool when 45 and you both know where it's going to end anyway, so might as well cut to the chase and enjoy that third glass of wine. ;)   
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on February 02, 2015, 01:26:54 PM
So I ended my "relationship" if you call it that with this one girl.  We had only met up 3 times and while I enjoyed those three times and I know she did too, she was getting a bit too clingy for me.  She clearly stated many times she didnt want a relationship which was fine with me as I told her, but she got really mad when she found out I had Tinder installed on my phone which almost set me to just end it right there, but she apologized and we got over it.  So I had just gotten home from Germany and found out I had to put my kitten to sleep before I could even unpack my bags (long story, but regardless I was not really interested in having normal conversation that day due to my mental time clock being off and the grievance of having to put my kitten to sleep).  We were texting and I told her flat out I was kind of out of it and not in the mood to really talk and that I had also planned on taking a nap.  When I woke up, I found she sent me a couple texts complaining about the fact that she talked to me a lot while I was away but when I got home I didnt want to talk.  I got so pissed off that I told her I didnt want to continue anymore.  That lead her to go nuts sending me around 50 text messages over the next 24 hours, as well as facebook chatting, calling me, calling me from a different number, and calling me a loser for not finishing our game of Trivia Crack. 

So a few days had gone passed and now that my emotions are a little more in line and my head is in a better spot, I've been wondering if I was too quick to end that and clearly break this girls heart, or if what I did was ok?  I felt like I was very nice in the way I told her how I felt, but maybe I was just way to emotional at that point.  I kind of felt the Tinder thing was stupid, but when the whole why arent you talking to me when I had already told her really just seemed like too much from a girl who I am not serious with and we both agreed to not be serious.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on February 02, 2015, 10:14:21 PM
My experience with Match isn't terribly different, but I think I'm talking about a little older demographic, so that might have something to do with it.

Basically.  I've noticed it to be the same way.  Though I had worse luck on Match.

I've not tried OKCupid, but I know on Match, there were a fair number of women that thought it's all going to play out like on "Twilight" or something, which (and I apologize in advance) explains why they are still single at that point in their lives, and just as many that figure "YOLO", and acknowledge the cutesy, coy back and forth that is so cool at 19 is not so cool when 45 and you both know where it's going to end anyway, so might as well cut to the chase and enjoy that third glass of wine. ;)   

I'm not familiar with how Twilight went so your analogy escapes me but I still think I understand what you're saying.

Two women actually messaged me back on OKCupid today.  One lives only about 10 minutes from me and is a total metalhead plus she's extremely intelligent. Being that I'm a sapiosexual, that is important to me.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on February 03, 2015, 06:08:20 AM
So I ended my "relationship" if you call it that with this one girl.  We had only met up 3 times and while I enjoyed those three times and I know she did too, she was getting a bit too clingy for me.  She clearly stated many times she didnt want a relationship which was fine with me as I told her, but she got really mad when she found out I had Tinder installed on my phone which almost set me to just end it right there, but she apologized and we got over it.  So I had just gotten home from Germany and found out I had to put my kitten to sleep before I could even unpack my bags (long story, but regardless I was not really interested in having normal conversation that day due to my mental time clock being off and the grievance of having to put my kitten to sleep).  We were texting and I told her flat out I was kind of out of it and not in the mood to really talk and that I had also planned on taking a nap.  When I woke up, I found she sent me a couple texts complaining about the fact that she talked to me a lot while I was away but when I got home I didnt want to talk.  I got so pissed off that I told her I didnt want to continue anymore.  That lead her to go nuts sending me around 50 text messages over the next 24 hours, as well as facebook chatting, calling me, calling me from a different number, and calling me a loser for not finishing our game of Trivia Crack. 

So a few days had gone passed and now that my emotions are a little more in line and my head is in a better spot, I've been wondering if I was too quick to end that and clearly break this girls heart, or if what I did was ok?  I felt like I was very nice in the way I told her how I felt, but maybe I was just way to emotional at that point.  I kind of felt the Tinder thing was stupid, but when the whole why arent you talking to me when I had already told her really just seemed like too much from a girl who I am not serious with and we both agreed to not be serious.

Could be just me, and there are of course exceptions (the "50 messages from multiple, some incognito, sources" might be one) but I generally let day to day things happen twice before I pull the plug.   Again, there are exceptions (catching her in bed with the postman - assuming the postman isn't 24, female and smokin' - would probably be a zero tolerance offence), but you were in a mood when you came home; most everything she did can be explained by a mood too.  Why do you get to have moods and she doesn't?  Kinda sounds unrealistic.   
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on February 03, 2015, 06:36:17 AM
So I ended my "relationship" if you call it that with this one girl.  We had only met up 3 times and while I enjoyed those three times and I know she did too, she was getting a bit too clingy for me.  She clearly stated many times she didnt want a relationship which was fine with me as I told her, but she got really mad when she found out I had Tinder installed on my phone which almost set me to just end it right there, but she apologized and we got over it.  So I had just gotten home from Germany and found out I had to put my kitten to sleep before I could even unpack my bags (long story, but regardless I was not really interested in having normal conversation that day due to my mental time clock being off and the grievance of having to put my kitten to sleep).  We were texting and I told her flat out I was kind of out of it and not in the mood to really talk and that I had also planned on taking a nap.  When I woke up, I found she sent me a couple texts complaining about the fact that she talked to me a lot while I was away but when I got home I didnt want to talk.  I got so pissed off that I told her I didnt want to continue anymore.  That lead her to go nuts sending me around 50 text messages over the next 24 hours, as well as facebook chatting, calling me, calling me from a different number, and calling me a loser for not finishing our game of Trivia Crack. 

So a few days had gone passed and now that my emotions are a little more in line and my head is in a better spot, I've been wondering if I was too quick to end that and clearly break this girls heart, or if what I did was ok?  I felt like I was very nice in the way I told her how I felt, but maybe I was just way to emotional at that point.  I kind of felt the Tinder thing was stupid, but when the whole why arent you talking to me when I had already told her really just seemed like too much from a girl who I am not serious with and we both agreed to not be serious.

Could be just me, and there are of course exceptions (the "50 messages from multiple, some incognito, sources" might be one) but I generally let day to day things happen twice before I pull the plug.   Again, there are exceptions (catching her in bed with the postman - assuming the postman isn't 24, female and smokin' - would probably be a zero tolerance offence), but you were in a mood when you came home; most everything she did can be explained by a mood too.  Why do you get to have moods and she doesn't?  Kinda sounds unrealistic.   

No doubt I was in a funk and I clearly told her that.  Of course she is allowed to have moods to, but making a comment that Im not giving her enough of my attention isn't really a mood, but more of a really poorly timed comment.  I totally think it's possible and likely I over reacted in my own response, which is why I threw it out here.  You say you give 2 shots, to me that was the second shot with the first being her going nuts over having tinder installed on my phone (which I also explained to her I wasn't even using).  Bottom line, after coming out of my funk I do feel bad about just ending whatever we had so abruptly, but I have not ended a FWB type of scenario before so even if I didnt react so quickly, I most likely would have had to end this sooner than later anyway because she was giving me a lot of signs of a personality that I would conflict with.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: JayOctavarium on February 03, 2015, 08:57:08 PM
:emo:
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on February 03, 2015, 09:09:32 PM
 :-*
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on February 04, 2015, 08:26:08 AM

No doubt I was in a funk and I clearly told her that.  Of course she is allowed to have moods to, but making a comment that Im not giving her enough of my attention isn't really a mood, but more of a really poorly timed comment.  I totally think it's possible and likely I over reacted in my own response, which is why I threw it out here.  You say you give 2 shots, to me that was the second shot with the first being her going nuts over having tinder installed on my phone (which I also explained to her I wasn't even using).  Bottom line, after coming out of my funk I do feel bad about just ending whatever we had so abruptly, but I have not ended a FWB type of scenario before so even if I didnt react so quickly, I most likely would have had to end this sooner than later anyway because she was giving me a lot of signs of a personality that I would conflict with.

Well, you undoubtedly know better (and I mean that sincerely).   I can only go on what you type, and you have the full range of inputs.   I know for me, I'm sort of lucky, because there is rarely that kind of doubt.  Not because I'm better than you, but because it's just how my brain works.  It's not that I don't prefer certain things, but it seems like my brain goes "tolerate, tolerate, tolerate, tolerate, tolerate... DONE", and at that point it's almost not even a choice.   Does that make sense? 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on February 04, 2015, 08:57:08 AM

No doubt I was in a funk and I clearly told her that.  Of course she is allowed to have moods to, but making a comment that Im not giving her enough of my attention isn't really a mood, but more of a really poorly timed comment.  I totally think it's possible and likely I over reacted in my own response, which is why I threw it out here.  You say you give 2 shots, to me that was the second shot with the first being her going nuts over having tinder installed on my phone (which I also explained to her I wasn't even using).  Bottom line, after coming out of my funk I do feel bad about just ending whatever we had so abruptly, but I have not ended a FWB type of scenario before so even if I didnt react so quickly, I most likely would have had to end this sooner than later anyway because she was giving me a lot of signs of a personality that I would conflict with.

Well, you undoubtedly know better (and I mean that sincerely).   I can only go on what you type, and you have the full range of inputs.   I know for me, I'm sort of lucky, because there is rarely that kind of doubt.  Not because I'm better than you, but because it's just how my brain works.  It's not that I don't prefer certain things, but it seems like my brain goes "tolerate, tolerate, tolerate, tolerate, tolerate... DONE", and at that point it's almost not even a choice.   Does that make sense?

Definitely and that was kind of how I felt when this happened, just after my head cooled and had a few days pass I was no longer so sure if my reaction was overblown or not.  Regardless, her reaction to my reaction was ridiculous.  I had her number blocked from sending me alerts so that my phone would stop buzzing and I realized yesterday that she is still texting me calling me an asshole lol.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: HarlequinForest on February 04, 2015, 03:22:20 PM
I definitely belong in this club. I've been actively/obsessively searching for a woman the past year because I hate dating around. I've never been in a relationship that lasted more than a month. I have no problem getting dates/laid, but I just can't get women to stick around. I've been on around 30 dates/hangouts (all from OKC/POF/Tinder) since last May, banged just over half of them, but can't get any to stick around for more than 3-5 dates. I thought maybe my sexual approach to chatting with girls online was just attracting promiscuous women who are afraid of monogamy, but I've tried more friendly approaches and the result is the same. I think part of the problem is just the online dating culture in general; girls are just more picky online because they have so many option at their fingertips at all times. I guess the obvious answer could be that it's just me, but I really don't believe that's true in most of these cases. Ugh, guess I'll try the ole real world, which is hard because I don't have a social circle, go to school, and work with nothing but guys.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: SystematicThought on February 10, 2015, 06:06:27 PM
So I got some chocolate for the girl at work to give to her on Valentine's Day (or the day after, since that's when we work together) The only thing I'm nervous about is that maybe it carries more weight then when I gave her a birthday present and Christmas present. I mean, it's just a day, but I'm nervous about it.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on February 11, 2015, 07:17:08 AM
Nice, go for it with the chocolate!

Going to meet a girl for the first time tonight from okcupid.  Not sure what to expect but we've been texting for a week now and she has a really good sense of humor, she actually makes me laugh which is awesome.  Judging by the pictures, she may end up being the cutest girl i've seen since I broke up with my fiance, but I will know for sure tonight (assuming she doesnt cancel).
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on February 11, 2015, 07:41:33 AM
Good luck!   You're in NJ. I wonder if I've seen this girl's profile before.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on February 11, 2015, 11:56:06 AM
Good luck!   You're in NJ. I wonder if I've seen this girl's profile before.

Id say its very possible.  Im not far at all from SI, I think less than 10 miles and she is even closer to SI than me.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on February 11, 2015, 12:06:40 PM
Then I have definitely seen her.  I include NJ in my searches since I literally live down the street from the Outerbridge.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on February 11, 2015, 12:08:47 PM
Then I have definitely seen her.  I include NJ in my searches since I literally live down the street from the Outerbridge.

Oh nice, you are very close to me then.  Im right off exit 117 on the parkway.  That crazy girl I ranted a bit about last week probably lives very close to you.  Youd definitely seen her.  Id tell you her name but I dont want competition  :biggrin:
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on February 11, 2015, 12:17:10 PM
Then I have definitely seen her.  I include NJ in my searches since I literally live down the street from the Outerbridge.

Oh nice, you are very close to me then.  Im right off exit 117 on the parkway.  That crazy girl I ranted a bit about last week probably lives very close to you.  Youd definitely seen her.  Id tell you her name but I dont want competition  :biggrin:

 :lol   You can PM it to me if you don't want the general public seeing it.    ;)

Nah, no competition here. I hope to find someone on Staten Island. I just keep NJ in my searches because I live so close.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on February 12, 2015, 06:21:52 AM
Not a bad first date, just went to a bar that she mentioned in chatting she really liked so best to go somewhere in her comfort zone.  Had a couple drinks and just chiiled for a few hours.  She is definitely larger than what she comes off as in her pictures.  Im overweight myself so I dont really hold that as a problem especially if the girl is still cute which she was.  Has a very pretty face and great smile.  We have a lot in common which is really cool and she is really into music which is a huge plus although we have no common bands, but we both appreciated our love for music.  She was giving me the look that she really liked me.  I could be reading it wrong, but she was smiling in a way that I knew she has real interest, like every time our conversation would get to a slow point she would just look me in the eye and give this huge smile to which I would smile back and say what? and she would just blush.  Really cute.  We didnt kiss or anything, I was really tired and it was getting late for me since I wake up at 6am so we hugged on the way out and I think she may have wanted to kiss and while I would have, I just thought it was best to leave that for the next time.  Let her think about it like I am now.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on February 12, 2015, 08:32:25 AM
It sounds like it really went well, my friend.  Taking it slow is always good in my book.  I would rather savor the moments than rush into everything in a couple of weeks leaving nothing left to explore.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on February 12, 2015, 08:50:46 AM
It sounds like it really went well, my friend.  Taking it slow is always good in my book.  I would rather savor the moments than rush into everything in a couple of weeks leaving nothing left to explore.

Yea, while its fun to go at it on a first date, its also more rewarding to take time.  Im in no rush anyway.

Edit:  She is coming over to my place tonight.  Going to do dinner and then back to my place to watch a movie.  :corn
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: HarlequinForest on February 13, 2015, 07:46:32 AM
She is coming over to my place tonight.  Going to do dinner and then back to my place to watch a movie.  :corn

Bow chicka wow.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on February 13, 2015, 07:50:18 AM
It sounds like it really went well, my friend.  Taking it slow is always good in my book.  I would rather savor the moments than rush into everything in a couple of weeks leaving nothing left to explore.

Yea, while its fun to go at it on a first date, its also more rewarding to take time.  Im in no rush anyway.

Edit:  She is coming over to my place tonight.  Going to do dinner and then back to my place to watch a movie.  :corn

Cook for her. Chicks love dudes that can cook. If you have to get catering and just put it in the oven before she arrives.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on February 13, 2015, 07:57:57 AM
It sounds like it really went well, my friend.  Taking it slow is always good in my book.  I would rather savor the moments than rush into everything in a couple of weeks leaving nothing left to explore.

Yea, while its fun to go at it on a first date, its also more rewarding to take time.  Im in no rush anyway.

Edit:  She is coming over to my place tonight.  Going to do dinner and then back to my place to watch a movie.  :corn

Cook for her. Chicks love dudes that can cook. If you have to get catering and just put it in the oven before she arrives.

Too early to cook for her.  I don't want to spoil her or do something too soon that would be difficult to keep up with if we started seeing each other more often.  Im honestly going to take her somewhere like a chain restaurant close by my house thats nothing special.  If things go well then go to a nicer place and if things get serious then I cook for her.  My younger brother who lives with me cooked for a girl on their first date and I thought he set the bar too high for himself with that, but then again she is still seeing him so who knows.   

Should also add that I am not master in the kitchen, while I have a few dishes I can make well, it is also easier to go somewhere and let her pick what she wants vs. me only giving her a couple options which she may not even like. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on February 13, 2015, 08:20:36 AM
Well, my girl friend paid on our first date, so I'm probably not the most qualified at giving advice  :lol
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on February 13, 2015, 08:30:13 AM
Well, my girl friend paid on our first date, so I'm probably not the most qualified at giving advice  :lol

haha good girl! I almost always pay, I feel more like a gentleman that way, but I really appreciate it and like it when the woman offers.  I didnt like how this girl didnt even make a move for her wallet the other night even if it was only a couple drinks, I always thought on a first date the woman should at least offer to pay for herself if nothing else and not expect the guy to pay since in this case was more of a lets meet in person and get to know each other a bit more vs. a serious date.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on February 13, 2015, 08:38:40 AM
Well our circumstance was a little unique. We had hit it off on Tinder and text messaging amazingly. We had planned our second date before going on the first one (back to back nights). The first night was just a meet and greet at a bar, the second night was the dinner at a pricier (not super fancy) place. She gave our waitress her credit card when she went to the bathroom, so I never even got the opportunity or option to pay. She figured two things; 1) the following night was going to be expensive, she didn't want me spending all that money on her on the first weekend. 2) We stayed out after the bar, she didn't want me to pay becuse, had the rest of the night gone bad, she didn't want to feel like she owed me anything for the evening. Makes sense to me. I didn't have a problem with it. I've been on a lot of first dates, and never has the girl paid outright. Some have split it, but none had ever picked up the whole check. She scored a lot of points that night. I respected her for doing it, and not only because it saved me $50.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on February 13, 2015, 08:47:46 AM
Wow, thats really nice of her though to think of it like that, looks like you found a good girl then because if her thought mechanics are "I want to pay so if things dont go well I wont feel like I owe you" then she seems very unselfish and has good morals/personality.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on February 13, 2015, 03:44:33 PM
I'm not saying it's a rule or anything, but there's a degree to which none of this stuff matters.   It does, of course (first impressions, and what not) but on one level, regardless of how well the night goes, if she decides to never see you again because you went to Chili's instead of cooking for her, honestly, is that the girl you want? 

The one caveat to that is, I try not to do something out of character UNLESS I know it is special to her.  Meaning, if I never go to a martini bar on my own, when we select places to go, I'm not picking a martini bar UNLESS I know it is her favorite (and we would go there if we were a couple). 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on February 13, 2015, 10:29:25 PM
Relationships are about compromise. There is no way you are going to meet someone who likes exactly the same things as you so at some point the both of you will introducing the other to something new. If someone isn't willing to experience who you are in full, then it's time to beg for one more blow job and then break it off with her gently. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: JayOctavarium on February 14, 2015, 09:17:41 PM
So much hatred for Valentine's Day.

I disliked it when I was technically with someone...

And I HATE it when I am alone. So many happy couples I've seen today. Just reminds me of how lonely I've been.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Dark Castle on February 14, 2015, 09:21:03 PM
I watch hockey, horror movies and drink.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: JayOctavarium on February 14, 2015, 09:30:09 PM
No interest in Hockey nor Horror Movies.. But will probably have a drink or 6 soon.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on February 14, 2015, 10:07:59 PM
I was never a fan of it, even when I was married or dating someone.  Nothing ever gets done on this day that I don't do plenty of during the rest of the year.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on February 15, 2015, 06:18:25 AM
My second date went well Friday night, she spent the night and saturday morning I asked her to be my valentine lol. Her plans fell through for tonight and I never made any so shes coming back over.

I'm not a vday fan and this year worked out well since I didn't have to do anything special and ended up spending the night in with a friend boozin.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: lordxizor on February 15, 2015, 11:56:22 AM
I think Valentine's Day is worse when you're with someone. There's the expectation that you're supposed to do something. When you're single it's just the same as every other day. Thankfully my wife doesn't really care about it very much. We just exchange cards and maybe get a little candy.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on February 15, 2015, 06:35:27 PM
My second date went well Friday night, she spent the night and saturday morning I asked her to be my valentine lol. Her plans fell through for tonight and I never made any so shes coming back over.

I'm not a vday fan and this year worked out well since I didn't have to do anything special and ended up spending the night in with a friend boozin.

That's great!  I'm glad it's going well for you.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on February 16, 2015, 05:41:45 PM
My second date went well Friday night, she spent the night and saturday morning I asked her to be my valentine lol. Her plans fell through for tonight and I never made any so shes coming back over.

I'm not a vday fan and this year worked out well since I didn't have to do anything special and ended up spending the night in with a friend boozin.

That's great!  I'm glad it's going well for you.

Last night was a lot of fun, went to Fridays for happy hour drinks and apps then back to my place.  She wanted to introduce me to Arrested Development on netflix, but by the second episode we were busy and stopped watching.  On a side note, my younger brother who lives in my house has been seeing a girl and took her virginity the other night so my house is turning into quite the love shack.  :metal
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on February 17, 2015, 06:10:51 AM
My second date went well Friday night, she spent the night and saturday morning I asked her to be my valentine lol. Her plans fell through for tonight and I never made any so shes coming back over.

I'm not a vday fan and this year worked out well since I didn't have to do anything special and ended up spending the night in with a friend boozin.

That's great!  I'm glad it's going well for you.

Last night was a lot of fun, went to Fridays for happy hour drinks and apps then back to my place.  She wanted to introduce me to Arrested Development on netflix, but by the second episode we were busy and stopped watching.  On a side note, my younger brother who lives in my house has been seeing a girl and took her virginity the other night so my house is turning into quite the love shack.  :metal

Maybe I'll bring my next lady there.   ;)
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on February 17, 2015, 12:46:50 PM
haha we can have a double okcupid date

and wow the crazy girl who i stopped talking to a few weeks ago wouldnt stop texting and calling me, i finally responded to her. She wants a NSA relationship now, I am considering since she is really cute.  She wants to meet up tomorrow to talk.  I am very hesitant though, she is kind of crazy.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on February 17, 2015, 12:52:52 PM
haha we can have a double okcupid date

and wow the crazy girl who i stopped talking to a few weeks ago wouldnt stop texting and calling me, i finally responded to her. She wants a NSA relationship now, I am considering since she is really cute.  She wants to meet up tomorrow to talk.  I am very hesitant though, she is kind of crazy.

Tough call seeing as you are now involved with another girl. Me, personally, I'd stay away from the crazy. No vagina is worth the crazy.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on February 17, 2015, 01:53:35 PM
I agree with Chino on this.  Stick with that one girl.  Things are going well so far. No sense in potentially messing that up for someone unstable. You never know what girls like that are capable of. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: JayOctavarium on February 17, 2015, 07:34:26 PM
I agree with Chino on this.  Stick with that one girl.  Things are going well so far. No sense in potentially messing that up for someone unstable. You never know what girls like that are capable of. 

So this ^
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: JayOctavarium on February 17, 2015, 07:44:53 PM
lol @ girl who had a huge thing all through high school showing a ton of interest in me again as of late.


Too bad she is like... in Seattle.

And I'm not.

Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: seltaire on February 17, 2015, 08:19:49 PM
I've had suitors ... but I've never really be interested in any of them. Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me, my friends think I am a lesbian, but I feel that I was gay, I would know. I wonder if I've just never met the right person yet. Lately, I feel like I'll end up a crazy old dog lady.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on February 17, 2015, 08:27:32 PM
I've had suitors ... but I've never really be interested in any of them. Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me, my friends think I am a lesbian, but I feel that I was gay, I would know. I wonder if I've just never met the right person yet. Lately, I feel like I'll end up a crazy old dog lady.

Everyone in this thread thinks there is something wrong with themselves, not excluding myself. It's unfortunately the way society has conditioned us. There is hope though. Just stay true to yourself and someone deserving will come around and appreciate that uniqueness in you.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Dr. DTVT on February 17, 2015, 10:29:39 PM
Speak for yourself.  There is nothing wrong with me  ;D  I've dated other doctorate holders who said I was too smart for them...and I completely agreed with their assessment.

The further you deviate from average in any aspect of your physical/emotional/intellectual development in either the positive or negative direction, the harder it will be to find people who are like you and more likely compatible.

At least that's my observation.

Look on the bright side Selraire, there are plenty of guys who will fawn over you here if that's what you want.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on February 18, 2015, 05:34:02 AM
I've had suitors ... but I've never really be interested in any of them. Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me, my friends think I am a lesbian, but I feel that I was gay, I would know. I wonder if I've just never met the right person yet. Lately, I feel like I'll end up a crazy old dog lady.

But in reality, there is something wrong with everyone.  No one is perfect.  Its about knowing what is wrong and trying to be better.

For me, I am extremely selfish and even self absorbed.  I know and understand this.  It is something my X brought up a lot, its something I try to be aware of, but it is also something I continue to do. 

So just because something may be wrong does not mean you can't be interested in someone or someone cant be interested in you, but you likely haven't found someone that you can connect with on either an emotional or physical level.

anyway,

I agree with Chino on this.  Stick with that one girl.  Things are going well so far. No sense in potentially messing that up for someone unstable. You never know what girls like that are capable of. 

So this ^

yea... i didnt listen.  I sometimes think with the wrong head.  She is coming over tonight.  I dont know what to think or how to feel about this and a very large part of me knows its a bad idea, but the other part of me is really interested to see what happens.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on February 18, 2015, 06:36:35 AM
I've had suitors ... but I've never really be interested in any of them. Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me, my friends think I am a lesbian, but I feel that I was gay, I would know. I wonder if I've just never met the right person yet. Lately, I feel like I'll end up a crazy old dog lady.

Is that better or worse than being a crazy old cat lady?

I don't know, these things have a way of figuring themselves out.  You can only "think" through hormones and emotions so much.   Unless it is starting to affect your life, I'm not sure I would worry about it too much.  At some point someone (man or woman) is going to say something or do something, and you will take notice and be thinking about it hours (or even days) later, and BOOM! before you know it, you will have proof positive that nothing is "wrong" with you.  You are just you.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on February 18, 2015, 06:52:41 AM
Speak for yourself.  There is nothing wrong with me  ;D  I've dated other doctorate holders who said I was too smart for them...and I completely agreed with their assessment.

The further you deviate from average in any aspect of your physical/emotional/intellectual development in either the positive or negative direction, the harder it will be to find people who are like you and more likely compatible.

At least that's my observation.

Look on the bright side Selraire, there are plenty of guys who will fawn over you here if that's what you want.

In the interest of conversation, I would argue with you - strenuously - on that.   Not the interest in Selraire part, as I am pretty certain you are correct on that point, but the "deviation from average" part.   It has nothing to do with who or what you are, it has everything to do with what you want/need.   I, too, am comfortable with myself to a high degree, but I also find that I do not want to date myself.   I'm not looking for someone with my exact traits/skills/strength.   In fact, I've dated like that in the past and frankly could not get out of there fast enough.  It isn't that I don't like myself, but sometimes "compatibility" isn't "sameness", it is "complementariness".   For me, especially where I am in my life now, I want someone who complements me, fills in the gaps where perhaps I am not as strong as I want to be, and who I can supplement and support in the ways that perhaps she isn't as strong as she would like to be. 

And on top of all that, even then, there is always the intangible.   I met a girl right after I got divorced that was smart (Ivy League Master's), funny, loved all kinds of music (we would trade "song of the day" and she was open to Deep Purple to Robin Thicke), enjoyed St. Patty's Day like a champ, our families came from similar parts of the world, was basically GGG, very attractive (though a shade heavy for me, which is saying something, because I don't like "skinny"), and yet... nothing.   On paper, it's hard to see a better match, but in real life, there just isn't anything.  It's hard for her, because I think she wants something more, but I just have zero romantic feelings for her, even though I could easily see her being a close if not best friend. 

Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on February 18, 2015, 07:00:27 AM

But in reality, there is something wrong with everyone.  No one is perfect.  Its about knowing what is wrong and trying to be better.

For me, I am extremely selfish and even self absorbed.  I know and understand this.  It is something my X brought up a lot, its something I try to be aware of, but it is also something I continue to do. 

So just because something may be wrong does not mean you can't be interested in someone or someone cant be interested in you, but you likely haven't found someone that you can connect with on either an emotional or physical level.

Well, I know what you're saying, and of course you're right, but as others have said, within reason, it's hard to classify that as "wrong".  I'm not one of those that thinks that all kids should get trophies for trying (in fact the exact opposite), but short of criminal behavior or sociopathic behavior, I think it's okay in the romantic department to be a little lenient.   There is, in my humble opinion, someone for everyone.   Literally.   It's just a matter of being patient until you find it, recognizing it when you do find it, and being open and available when you recognize it (none of which are easy, at all). 

Quote
yea... i didnt listen.  I sometimes think with the wrong head.  She is coming over tonight.  I dont know what to think or how to feel about this and a very large part of me knows its a bad idea, but the other part of me is really interested to see what happens.

Well, except for the fact that if it goes south, someone besides you is going to be hurt (you have to own that), as long as you are willing to live with the consequences, it's your party.    I will say this, though; in my humble and not that limited experience, a truly - in every sense of the word - NSA relationship is as rare as a Kevin Moore sighting.  It may be "NSA" in terms of "you don't have to stay the night" or "you don't have to buy me flowers for Valentine's Day", but I say the odds of "Crazy" somehow, some way letting the other girl know she exists - and what services she's providing - are pretty high.   
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on February 18, 2015, 07:03:22 AM
I agree with Chino on this.  Stick with that one girl.  Things are going well so far. No sense in potentially messing that up for someone unstable. You never know what girls like that are capable of. 

So this ^

yea... i didnt listen.  I sometimes think with the wrong head.  She is coming over tonight.  I dont know what to think or how to feel about this and a very large part of me knows its a bad idea, but the other part of me is really interested to see what happens.

Sucks for the new girl that apparently likes/trusts you.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on February 18, 2015, 07:20:52 AM

I agree with Chino on this.  Stick with that one girl.  Things are going well so far. No sense in potentially messing that up for someone unstable. You never know what girls like that are capable of. 

So this ^

yea... i didnt listen.  I sometimes think with the wrong head.  She is coming over tonight.  I dont know what to think or how to feel about this and a very large part of me knows its a bad idea, but the other part of me is really interested to see what happens.

Not what  I was hoping to hear.  You should be bounced from the Lonely Hearts Club Thread and moved to the In It For The Buttsects Thread.    ;)





Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Lynxo on February 18, 2015, 07:28:08 AM
So yeah, my girlfriend since two and a half year broke up with me this weekend.

I'm a bit heartbroken, yes, but part of me sensed this was coming. Our relationship wasn't nearly as strong near the end.

I'm just gonna take it easy for a while now and take time to inspect my own feelings on this. The last time a relationship ended, I was devasted and outright depressed for more than a year. This time, it's gonna be a lot easier. I'm much more experienced and have a better grip on myself.

And also, this time I'm not gonna be stupid enough to keep her as a friend in the hope that she will eventually take me back.  :lol
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Zydar on February 18, 2015, 07:29:37 AM
Sad to hear that, Lynxo :(
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on February 18, 2015, 07:30:24 AM
--- Deleted ---
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on February 18, 2015, 07:34:37 AM
So yeah, my girlfriend since two and a half year broke up with me this weekend.

I'm a bit heartbroken, yes, but part of me sensed this was coming. Our relationship wasn't nearly as strong near the end.

I'm just gonna take it easy for a while now and take time to inspect my own feelings on this. The last time a relationship ended, I was devasted and outright depressed for more than a year. This time, it's gonna be a lot easier. I'm much more experienced and have a better grip on myself.

And also, this time I'm not gonna be stupid enough to keep her as a friend in the hope that she will eventually take me back.  :lol

Sorry to hear that.   :sad:
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: JayOctavarium on February 18, 2015, 07:40:48 AM
So yeah, my girlfriend since two and a half year broke up with me this weekend.

I'm a bit heartbroken, yes, but part of me sensed this was coming. Our relationship wasn't nearly as strong near the end.

I'm just gonna take it easy for a while now and take time to inspect my own feelings on this. The last time a relationship ended, I was devasted and outright depressed for more than a year. This time, it's gonna be a lot easier. I'm much more experienced and have a better grip on myself.

And also, this time I'm not gonna be stupid enough to keep her as a friend in the hope that she will eventually take me back.  :lol

*bro hug*
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on February 18, 2015, 07:43:57 AM
So yeah, my girlfriend since two and a half year broke up with me this weekend.

I'm a bit heartbroken, yes, but part of me sensed this was coming. Our relationship wasn't nearly as strong near the end.

I'm just gonna take it easy for a while now and take time to inspect my own feelings on this. The last time a relationship ended, I was devasted and outright depressed for more than a year. This time, it's gonna be a lot easier. I'm much more experienced and have a better grip on myself.

And also, this time I'm not gonna be stupid enough to keep her as a friend in the hope that she will eventually take me back.  :lol

Damn dude. How did that play out with Valentine's Day if you don't mind me asking?
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Lynxo on February 18, 2015, 07:55:48 AM
Thanks guys. :) I'm okay though. Not great, but okay.

So yeah, my girlfriend since two and a half year broke up with me this weekend.

I'm a bit heartbroken, yes, but part of me sensed this was coming. Our relationship wasn't nearly as strong near the end.

I'm just gonna take it easy for a while now and take time to inspect my own feelings on this. The last time a relationship ended, I was devasted and outright depressed for more than a year. This time, it's gonna be a lot easier. I'm much more experienced and have a better grip on myself.

And also, this time I'm not gonna be stupid enough to keep her as a friend in the hope that she will eventually take me back.  :lol

Damn dude. How did that play out with Valentine's Day if you don't mind me asking?
Well, we never planned anything for that. Both of us feels it's stupid to be romantic just because it's a specific date that neither of us cares about.
Also, she went to a Tenacious D concert that day instead.  :lol

The only thing I suppose I could be upset about is the fact that she broke up on Facebook. She had an entire week to do that (we live in separate cities and she was here the entire week) but she didn't do it in person. She did it the day after she left - hiding behind a computer screen.

But really, my other ex broke up with me in a MUCH, MUCH, MUCH worse way so with that in mind, I'm not angry about it at all really.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on February 18, 2015, 08:30:09 AM
Well, this should cheer you up because according to James LaBrie, love is in the air.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qP6pmJdQZ0
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on February 18, 2015, 09:26:30 AM
Thanks guys. :) I'm okay though. Not great, but okay.

So yeah, my girlfriend since two and a half year broke up with me this weekend.

I'm a bit heartbroken, yes, but part of me sensed this was coming. Our relationship wasn't nearly as strong near the end.

I'm just gonna take it easy for a while now and take time to inspect my own feelings on this. The last time a relationship ended, I was devasted and outright depressed for more than a year. This time, it's gonna be a lot easier. I'm much more experienced and have a better grip on myself.

And also, this time I'm not gonna be stupid enough to keep her as a friend in the hope that she will eventually take me back.  :lol

Damn dude. How did that play out with Valentine's Day if you don't mind me asking?
Well, we never planned anything for that. Both of us feels it's stupid to be romantic just because it's a specific date that neither of us cares about.
Also, she went to a Tenacious D concert that day instead.  :lol

The only thing I suppose I could be upset about is the fact that she broke up on Facebook. She had an entire week to do that (we live in separate cities and she was here the entire week) but she didn't do it in person. She did it the day after she left - hiding behind a computer screen.

But really, my other ex broke up with me in a MUCH, MUCH, MUCH worse way so with that in mind, I'm not angry about it at all really.

Wow sorry to hear about that, but a 2+ year relationship and she breaks up with you on facebook?  That doesnt seem right.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: JayOctavarium on February 18, 2015, 09:30:21 AM
Hell I was dumped from a 4 year relationship on Facebook once. On Easter. A week before my birthday.


:lol
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on February 18, 2015, 09:55:03 AM
Holy shit, thats terrible.  I can understand if you are doing the long distance thing that a face to face would probably not be doable, but not even a phone call? 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on February 18, 2015, 10:29:35 AM
Reiterating my standing belief that FB is the tool of the Devil.   :)
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: BlobVanDam on February 18, 2015, 10:19:02 PM
So if someone broke up with you via text, that would make the phone the tool of the devil? It's the people that suck.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: JayOctavarium on February 18, 2015, 10:42:36 PM
SO my evening just took a huge shit on itself.

Now it's going to consist of liquor, The Wall, and FB chatting with a girl I absolutely love but will forever be friendzoned by.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on February 18, 2015, 10:51:48 PM
My wife (now ex) and I agreed to divorce over a text message.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: JayOctavarium on February 18, 2015, 10:58:50 PM
Well that was consensual.

Getting dumped via text or whatever is not. That's like... rape


but the opposite

I think.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on February 18, 2015, 11:09:14 PM
Well that was consensual.

Getting dumped via text or whatever is not. That's like... rape


but the opposite

I think.

It's a result of my terrible anxiety.  I have this inability to express myself when face-to-face with someone, especially if it's something negative. I communicate over text and such instead. It's bad.  It's getting worse as I get older. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: seltaire on February 19, 2015, 12:35:03 AM
I've had suitors ... but I've never really be interested in any of them. Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me, my friends think I am a lesbian, but I feel that I was gay, I would know. I wonder if I've just never met the right person yet. Lately, I feel like I'll end up a crazy old dog lady.

Everyone in this thread thinks there is something wrong with themselves, not excluding myself. It's unfortunately the way society has conditioned us. There is hope though. Just stay true to yourself and someone deserving will come around and appreciate that uniqueness in you.

Yeah, that's true. I have some pretty specific tastes, like retro-videogames (stuff from SNES and PSX era, pixel games), progressive rock/metal and mountaineering. I never really meet many people that share them around here.

I rarely meet anyone that shares those tastes, and when I do, I have a 'bro' relationship with them more than anything romantic.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on February 19, 2015, 12:51:59 AM
I've had suitors ... but I've never really be interested in any of them. Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me, my friends think I am a lesbian, but I feel that I was gay, I would know. I wonder if I've just never met the right person yet. Lately, I feel like I'll end up a crazy old dog lady.

Everyone in this thread thinks there is something wrong with themselves, not excluding myself. It's unfortunately the way society has conditioned us. There is hope though. Just stay true to yourself and someone deserving will come around and appreciate that uniqueness in you.

Yeah, that's true. I have some pretty specific tastes, like retro-videogames (stuff from SNES and PSX era, pixel games), progressive rock/metal and mountaineering. I never really meet many people that share them around here.

I rarely meet anyone that shares those tastes, and when I do, I have a 'bro' relationship with them more than anything romantic.

It's awkward, I know. It's like if I meet a female Dream Theater fan, or just a prog rock fan in general, she becomes my aspiration. Usually they're so far away that it would seem futile to attempt a relationship with them.  SNES is great by the way. I got rid of my system years ago but I still use an emulator on my laptop to play from time to time.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: seltaire on February 19, 2015, 01:07:49 AM
Yeah, all of the people  I know that are into Dream Theater are folks I met from online communities. Sometimes I'll fly out to hang around and play games, though its such a hassle. Day to day life is pretty lonely, so I just sit on Twitch and watch other folks play games. I had pals, but they were all Asian girls who were interested in Korean pop. Yeah ... I was always the odd duck. Even the gentlemen from where I was at wasn't really into that sort of music.

I don't know, kindred spirits are just so hard to come by.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on February 19, 2015, 01:17:52 AM
Yeah, all of the people  I know that are into Dream Theater are folks I met from online communities. Sometimes I'll fly out to hang around and play games, though its such a hassle. Day to day life is pretty lonely, so I just sit on Twitch and watch other folks play games. I had pals, but they were all Asian girls who were interested in Korean pop. Yeah ... I was always the odd duck. Even the gentlemen from where I was at wasn't really into that sort of music.

I don't know, kindred spirits are just so hard to come by.

Flying around to meet with people like yourself can definitely be a hassle...and discouraging. It's like your saying to yourself, 'this is what I have to do to find people like myself.'  Trust me, I get it.  I had long distance relationships early on just because here where I live, I stick out like sore thumb. Now I'm divorced and basically have to start over again and it's not easy. If I didn't have my daughter here, I'd probably meet someone elsewhere just to relocate and start over.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on February 19, 2015, 06:22:51 AM
Well that was consensual.

Getting dumped via text or whatever is not. That's like... rape


but the opposite

I think.

It's a result of my terrible anxiety.  I have this inability to express myself when face-to-face with someone, especially if it's something negative. I communicate over text and such instead. It's bad.  It's getting worse as I get older.

Man, I have that same type of issue. With my x, I always struggled to say the words I felt when having a really serious relationship conversation, especially negative.  I am way better at typing out my feelings than saying them so I totally understand.  I am also way better at speaking my mind and feelings when I smoke weed too, I think it like unlocks something in my brain that enables me to speak my feelings.

Yeah, all of the people  I know that are into Dream Theater are folks I met from online communities. Sometimes I'll fly out to hang around and play games, though its such a hassle. Day to day life is pretty lonely, so I just sit on Twitch and watch other folks play games. I had pals, but they were all Asian girls who were interested in Korean pop. Yeah ... I was always the odd duck. Even the gentlemen from where I was at wasn't really into that sort of music.

I don't know, kindred spirits are just so hard to come by.

What? There are no DT/Gamer fans where you live?  Thats a really costly way to meet someone, and I thought paying the toll to get into Staten Island was bad  :biggrin:
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Lynxo on February 19, 2015, 08:12:01 AM
Wow sorry to hear about that, but a 2+ year relationship and she breaks up with you on facebook?  That doesnt seem right.
Well, I agree to a certain degree. She was here on Saturday and left early Sunday morning. And she broke the news that same Sunday evening. Yeah, she really should have told me when she was here but maybe she tried and couldn't do it?

No matter what, I don't hold it against her. After all, I've been through a HELL of a lot worse than that.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on February 19, 2015, 08:20:05 AM
Wow sorry to hear about that, but a 2+ year relationship and she breaks up with you on facebook?  That doesnt seem right.
Well, I agree to a certain degree. She was here on Saturday and left early Sunday morning. And she broke the news that same Sunday evening. Yeah, she really should have told me when she was here but maybe she tried and couldn't do it?

No matter what, I don't hold it against her. After all, I've been through a HELL of a lot worse than that.

No doubt its definitely a tough thing to talk about, but after 2 and a half years I would think you'd deserve better than that and she should show a bit more respect for you, but I dont know the situation and maybe that was more fitting?  Oh well, sorry for you and hopefully you can pick up the pieces and find the right woman when you are ready.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on February 19, 2015, 08:29:28 AM
I don't know how your relationship with her started, but I just want to throw this out there.

We live in a world where relationships can be had in many different ways. I'm probably the outsider on this one, but I don't consider a breakup over the internet to be that bad or cowardly. Here's how I see it. I absolutely sucked with walking up to girls and starting a conversation. That to me was just as hard and terrifying for me as breaking up with someone to their face is for others. I not only resorted to the internet, but to a fucking cellphone application in hopes that I could maybe strike up a conversation with a cool girl (paid off big time).

But my point is, it wasn't too long ago, maybe 5-7 years, when using the internet to find a partner was consider taboo, and in most cases it came with a negative stigma. I remember people (myself included) almost being ashamed to admit that I was using such services. People thought it was cowardly to have to look for females from behind screen. These days, it is the societal norm. Of my close group of 6 friends, 4 of us are in a long term relationship that started online. Looking at my girlfriend and I, although we have a house together, we still have 100+ text message conversations every day. So much of our relationship, literally since the beginning, has been made possible by our access to technology.

My girlfriend and I use technology as an aid to conflict resolution. Her and I are both very emotional people. The last thing either of us wants to do is hurt the other one, and that's very easy to do face to face. Especially if you struggle with thinking up things to say on the spot. For whatever reason, and I'm conviced of this, certain conversations are made worse by having the face to face element. It's easy to say things without thinking things through. Not to mention, it makes things that should be simple to resolve take forever to do so. It's too easy to see the other one upset and play off that emotion rather than focussing on carrying out the conversation that needs to be had. Some of the biggest hurdles in my relationship were settled in 5-10 text messages. It's fantastic honestly. We both say what we have to say and it's done with.

So I ask the question, are we going to reach a point where ending a relationship with technology becomes just as normal as starting one with it? I think so, and I don't necessarily think that's the worst thing in the world.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Lynxo on February 19, 2015, 08:41:07 AM
I don't know how your relationship with her started, but I just want to throw this out there.

We live in a world where relationships can be had in many different ways. I'm probably the outsider on this one, but I don't consider a breakup over the internet to be that bad or cowardly. Here's how I see it. I absolutely sucked with walking up to girls and starting a conversation. That to me was just as hard and terrifying for me as breaking up with someone to their face is for others. I not only resorted to the internet, but to a fucking cellphone application in hopes that I could maybe strike up a conversation with a cool girl (paid off big time).

But my point is, it wasn't too long ago, maybe 5-7 years, when using the internet to find a partner was consider taboo, and in most cases it came with a negative stigma. I remember people (myself included) almost being ashamed to admit that I was using such services. People thought it was cowardly to have to look for females from behind screen. These days, it is the societal norm. Of my close group of 6 friends, 4 of us are in a long term relationship that started online. Looking at my girlfriend and I, although we have a house together, we still have 100+ text message conversations every day. So much of our relationship, literally since the beginning, has been made possible by our access to technology.

My girlfriend and I use technology as an aid to conflict resolution. Her and I are both very emotional people. The last thing either of us wants to do is hurt the other one, and that's very easy to do face to face. Especially if you struggle with thinking up things to say on the spot. For whatever reason, and I'm conviced of this, certain conversations are made worse by having the face to face element. It's easy to say things without thinking things through. Not to mention, it makes things that should be simple to resolve take forever to do so. It's too easy to see the other one upset and play off that emotion rather than focussing on carrying out the conversation that needs to be had. Some of the biggest hurdles in my relationship were settled in 5-10 text messages. It's fantastic honestly. We both say what we have to say and it's done with.

So I ask the question, are we going to reach a point where ending a relationship with technology becomes just as normal as starting one with it? I think so, and I don't necessarily think that's the worst thing in the world.
You make some really good points there.

I've had two relationships and I met both girls online. That allowed us to really get to know each other even before we first met. With both of them, I fell in love just from the messages alone! And I always thought it felt perfectly natural.
And with both girls, we conversed every day on SMS or Messenger or Facebook or whatever, which also felt natural. I mean, yeah, off course we hooked up and went on dates as everybody else, you can't replace that! But technology has helped me not only meeting new people but also to sustain the relationships.

So all things considered, as I've said, I'm not mad she chose to end it on Facebook. Yeah, it wasn't the best way to go about it but it's not that big of a deal, really.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on February 19, 2015, 08:44:55 AM
I dont think using technology to end a relationship is necessarily rude or bad, but that depends on the relationship.  If its short term then I dont see a reason why not to just text or fb, but something like 2+ years seems kind of extreme.  You'd likely at that point have experiences so much together that is it really that much to ask to pick up a phone and say it or tell them to their face?  Very difficult to do, but if you can manage to have a long term relationship, having a difficult conversation should be something you should do.  I also said I am very difficult at speaking my emotions face to face and I totally get how texting makes things easier and in many ways better.  I've text one girl who I went out with a couple times to let her know I was not interested, we only met twice.  I think thats fine.  My x fiance, I obviously told her face to face.  I dont have enough other examples of my experiences.  The one girl I met on tinder decided to just ignore me after 6 dates, I really thought that was rude and unnecessary.  I didnt expect a face to face or phone call for that, but I thought a text saying she didnt want to still see me would suffice.  Maybe thats why i feel strongly about it, because I didn't like being ignored without reason and I think id be really pissed if a long term relationship ended via text or fb.

I also think theres a big difference between meeting someone online and ending it online.  When you meet someone online you dont know them so its not a big deal to start a text convo or whatever, but once you know them why does ending it online make sense?
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Lynxo on February 19, 2015, 08:47:59 AM
I dont think using technology to end a relationship is necessarily rude or bad, but that depends on the relationship.  If its short term then I dont see a reason why not to just text or fb, but something like 2+ years seems kind of extreme.  You'd likely at that point have experiences so much together that is it really that much to ask to pick up a phone and say it or tell them to their face?  Very difficult to do, but if you can manage to have a long term relationship, having a difficult conversation should be something you should do.  I also said I am very difficult at speaking my emotions face to face and I totally get how texting makes things easier and in many ways better.  I've text one girl who I went out with a couple times to let her know I was not interested, we only met twice.  I think thats fine.  My x fiance, I obviously told her face to face.  I dont have enough other examples of my experiences.  The one girl I met on tinder decided to just ignore me after 6 dates, I really thought that was rude and unnecessary.  I didnt expect a face to face or phone call for that, but I thought a text saying she didnt want to still see me would suffice.  Maybe thats why i feel strongly about it, because I didn't like being ignored without reason and I think id be really pissed if a long term relationship ended via text or fb.

I also think theres a big difference between meeting someone online and ending it online.  When you meet someone online you dont know them so its not a big deal to start a text convo or whatever, but once you know them why does ending it online make sense?
I think you're being too harsh here. I agree that it's not optimal but as you say - it depends on the relationsship. And if I say I think it's okay she did it that way, then that really should suffice as evidence that it works for some people.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on February 19, 2015, 08:50:30 AM
I dont think using technology to end a relationship is necessarily rude or bad, but that depends on the relationship.  If its short term then I dont see a reason why not to just text or fb, but something like 2+ years seems kind of extreme.  You'd likely at that point have experiences so much together that is it really that much to ask to pick up a phone and say it or tell them to their face?  Very difficult to do, but if you can manage to have a long term relationship, having a difficult conversation should be something you should do.  I also said I am very difficult at speaking my emotions face to face and I totally get how texting makes things easier and in many ways better.  I've text one girl who I went out with a couple times to let her know I was not interested, we only met twice.  I think thats fine.  My x fiance, I obviously told her face to face.  I dont have enough other examples of my experiences.  The one girl I met on tinder decided to just ignore me after 6 dates, I really thought that was rude and unnecessary.  I didnt expect a face to face or phone call for that, but I thought a text saying she didnt want to still see me would suffice.  Maybe thats why i feel strongly about it, because I didn't like being ignored without reason and I think id be really pissed if a long term relationship ended via text or fb.

I also think theres a big difference between meeting someone online and ending it online.  When you meet someone online you dont know them so its not a big deal to start a text convo or whatever, but once you know them why does ending it online make sense?
I think you're being too harsh here. I agree that it's not optimal but as you say - it depends on the relationsship. And if I say I think it's okay she did it that way, then that really should suffice as evidence that it works for some people.

Yes, if you say its fine for you then I cant argue that.  I just personally wouldn't like it. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on February 19, 2015, 02:08:20 PM
Isn't it a matter of degree?  I get where Chino is coming from, and to some degree, it is like that with my girlfriend.  But I will say that if I have anything of any significance to say, I make sure I say it in person.   I may write it down first to get the ideas and the flow down, but I say it live.  It's not easy (not easy at all) but it is respectful to that other person.   I feel I owe it to them to treat them with the respect of my time, my courage, and my effort. 

In other words, the technology can help, and can abet a relationship that is otherwise strong, but I look at it this way:  how strong is that relationship if you can't put something out there?    This is coming from someone who COULDN'T always put things out there, but now that I am divorced, I realize that that was a huge red flag waving in my face... that I missed completely.   The only exception I can think of (and I'm not implying anything here) is the case where the information would lead to a punch in the face, but that would be the exception, not the norm. 

There's another side to this, too:  my job is to equip my kids with as many tools as I possibly can, because they will have to deal with people that use technology, that don't use technology, that want to talk, that don't want to talk, and I can't - and won't - teach them to take the easy way out. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: kingshmegland on February 19, 2015, 02:13:42 PM
Trying to meet someone online and breaking up with them online or be texts are two different beasts.


I think it's easy to text the break up then to do it face to face.  It's never easy but what does that say about a person that you you had a relationship or spent a good deal of time with that they are only good to break up by a text?  The hard route is always the right route.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on February 19, 2015, 02:51:12 PM


It's a result of my terrible anxiety.  I have this inability to express myself when face-to-face with someone, especially if it's something negative. I communicate over text and such instead. It's bad.  It's getting worse as I get older.

Man, I have that same type of issue. With my x, I always struggled to say the words I felt when having a really serious relationship conversation, especially negative.  I am way better at typing out my feelings than saying them so I totally understand.  I am also way better at speaking my mind and feelings when I smoke weed too, I think it like unlocks something in my brain that enables me to speak my feelings.


That's exactly it.  I can  type all day and express myself so easily. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: MetalMike06 on February 25, 2015, 03:17:38 PM
Not sure if I've been doing the right thing.

I had been hanging out with an old co-worker for a few months. Nothing ever happened beyond hugs. We would just go on hikes together, go out to eat, stuff like that. "Friend" stuff, you could say. We always seemed to have a good time; she's extremely easy for me to talk to (unlike 90% of women  :P), and always seemed to enjoy my company. She's very down to earth and we just get along real well. I never got any signals that she wasn't interested or was trying to avoid me or something. I wouldn't say I was "clingy." We hung out about once every weekend for a good couple months. However, I was always, to my recollection, the one that asked her to hang out, and never vice versa.

So I decided to stop texting her, and instead see if she tries to contact me for a change. It's been a couple weeks now, and haven't heard from her.

 :sadpanda:

Maybe she's just busy with her job and moving into a new place, I dunno. She also deleted her facebook. That's not abnormal (I've ceratinly contemplated it myself sometimes  :lol), but I have a slight, slight suspicion she might have started seeing another guy and didn't want me to see that publicized on there.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on February 25, 2015, 03:19:19 PM
Why don't you text her and ask her what's up?  Seems like you guys at least had a good friendship and that shouldn't be an odd thing to ask?
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on February 25, 2015, 10:02:52 PM
Geez, I've been messaging a few different women on OKCupid and so far I'm not impressed with the response.  I always hated this part of dating. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on February 26, 2015, 05:20:43 AM
Geez, I've been messaging a few different women on OKCupid and so far I'm not impressed with the response.  I always hated this part of dating.

Their responses or lack of response?  I say I get ignored something like 9 out of 10 times. The worst is they look at your profile after you message them and get no response, that's some rejection  :lol
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on February 26, 2015, 05:53:30 AM
Geez, I've been messaging a few different women on OKCupid and so far I'm not impressed with the response.  I always hated this part of dating.

Their responses or lack of response?  I say I get ignored something like 9 out of 10 times. The worst is they look at your profile after you message them and get no response, that's some rejection  :lol

It's discouraging sometimes.  If they're looking for a real relationship then I'm not sure what scares them from my profile.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on February 26, 2015, 06:43:22 AM
Geez, I've been messaging a few different women on OKCupid and so far I'm not impressed with the response.  I always hated this part of dating.

Their responses or lack of response?  I say I get ignored something like 9 out of 10 times. The worst is they look at your profile after you message them and get no response, that's some rejection  :lol

It's discouraging sometimes.  If they're looking for a real relationship then I'm not sure what scares them from my profile.

I'm not sold that all or most women are looking for relationships on that site, even when they explicitly say they are.  I've never used any other site besides Tinder and OKcupid, but I really get the feeling that there is only a small subset of people actually looking for real relationships on those sites/apps.  I wonder if some of the other paid sites like match.com are better for that since if you pay then you are a bit more committed to finding someone? 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on February 26, 2015, 07:42:21 AM
Geez, I've been messaging a few different women on OKCupid and so far I'm not impressed with the response.  I always hated this part of dating.

Their responses or lack of response?  I say I get ignored something like 9 out of 10 times. The worst is they look at your profile after you message them and get no response, that's some rejection  :lol

It's discouraging sometimes.  If they're looking for a real relationship then I'm not sure what scares them from my profile.

I'm not sold that all or most women are looking for relationships on that site, even when they explicitly say they are.  I've never used any other site besides Tinder and OKcupid, but I really get the feeling that there is only a small subset of people actually looking for real relationships on those sites/apps.  I wonder if some of the other paid sites like match.com are better for that since if you pay then you are a bit more committed to finding someone?

As someone who used Match successfully (going on a year and a half now), I can unequivocally say "there are some weird people out there".   I think the problem is that the expectations are different and the means of communication is as well.   

I will talk to anyone at any time.  So if I'm in a bar (and I often go to my local by myself, just to have a bite to eat or chat with the bartenders, who are all cute and about half my age) I have no issue with striking up a random conversation with someone, because for me, it isn't about "meeting the one".  It's about having a brief random conversation with someone.   And usually you can tell within about ten minutes or so if there is any desire for the conversation to turn more meaningful.    You don't have that option on an OKCupid or a Match.  People don't write like they talk (and when they do - brb, LOL, OMG I am so hppy 4 2! - they sound like total a-holes) and so it is hard to be discriminating.

I did meet someone on Match that I have remained friends with, even though there is no romantic spark, and at one point we were talking about this, and she pointed something out to me:  I had the same lofty opinion of my profile, and she had me search for men, my age, and see what I came up with.   I was stunned to get... about 25 profiles almost exactly like mine.  EVERY guy is smart, fun, loves music, yadda yadda yadda.   So your "9 out of 10 rejection" isn't likely a direct rejection of YOU, it's that for whatever reason, there was ten of you, identical like Stormtroopers, and she picked one - perhaps even at random - that wasn't you.   

I think the one thing I learned from internet dating that I had not been terribly successful at doing before that (and CERTAINLY not when I was younger) is embracing the Gene Simmons method of dating:   ONLY THE "YES"'s COUNT.  Whether you ask one girl or ten or a hundred, if only one says "YES", it doesn't matter, because, ONE SAID YES. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on February 26, 2015, 08:03:51 AM
Maybe I should fashion my profile more to be like a better representation of myself.  I really hate filling those things out so I wind up doing something quick and it comes out as you see it there. If I didn't get so anxious and rush through it, I would probably come up with something really unique. It's just a matter of taking the time (shut up) and putting into it what I want out of it.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on February 26, 2015, 08:25:30 AM
Be careful not to come off as too eager though. I've come across many female profiles (before I met Victoria) where I just think they are trying way too hard. Almost desperate to an extent. That creates negative vibes (for me anyway) right off the bat. I'm very likely to pass on those.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on February 26, 2015, 08:44:58 AM
I think there is something to be said about the initial message you send out too.  I usually find something in the woman's profile that I can use to spark a conversation, but I get the most responses by saying something very unique.  Many woman flat out write in their profiles "dont just say hi or i will ignore" which is definitely true.  It's hard to always have something unique to say, but a few examples from people who I've been able to spark conversations with and some have met:

"Your hero is Arya Stark? She is pretty bad ass. Im a Jon Snow fan, but Arya is my next favorite Stark."

"Devils fan? Boo, Rangers baby!"

"Padua is obviously Cupid's favorite place, you can see the look of love on everyone's face" My one time being in the school play and they had to make up a line for me in The Taming of the Shrew and somehow I still remember it. That was in 5th grade hahaha"

"Oh a fellow engineer 😊 I have a degree in computer engineering. I don't recall seeing any women as stunning as you in engineering."

"Good at gif/emoji texting? They need to implement that into the shitty chat on here. lol"  yea im an idiot, it does work, but hey got a response and met

"How do I know if your profile is not just you acting?"
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Lynxo on February 26, 2015, 08:50:21 AM
That's some good advice.  :tup Find something interesting in their profile worth commenting on. Make the effort and she will notice it too.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on February 26, 2015, 09:06:17 AM
There's no magic answer, but the closest I can come up with is BE FUNNY.  Maybe it's because I don't look anything like Ben Barnes or Leo DiCaprio, but almost every single "connection" I've made (I would say "EVERY", but being safe) has been through something funny.  Not "dick joke" funny, but clever funny.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on February 26, 2015, 10:29:08 AM
I think there is something to be said about the initial message you send out too.  I usually find something in the woman's profile that I can use to spark a conversation, but I get the most responses by saying something very unique.

This, this, and this.

When I first messaged Victoria on Tinder, I opened with something like "Your bio quote reminds me of a lot the one I used in my yearbook - "*instert quote about life here*". I like it". Tinder can be tricky because the profile detail is so limited, but the more elaborate sites give you plenty of ammunition.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on February 26, 2015, 10:33:22 AM
Yup agreed about Tinder and hence why you see the websites with the cheesey tinder pick up lines. 

And I also agree about the funny part.  Women like to laugh (well dont we all?) and getting a woman to laugh really works wonders in getting her to want to talk to you.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on February 26, 2015, 01:36:01 PM
Usually with the first message I will find a couple of things from their profile to focus on just to show them I'm interested in them and not just there for a quickie.  Though it always seems easier to find someone for that.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: FlyingBIZKIT on March 08, 2015, 11:52:49 PM
So this wonderful girl I knew for about half a year and dated for about 3 months broke up with me just a few days ago, I felt that things were going perfect to be honest.

Get this: She breaks up with me via Facebook Messenger and the reason for breaking is up is she needs to be "closer to God".

Wat.


On to the next. :metal
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on March 08, 2015, 11:58:00 PM
Sorry to hear that.  I'm still waiting for the next one and I'm fucking miserable over the whole situation, the divorce, not seeing my daughter all of the time, living in an apartment on my own.  It sucks and I'm just hoping that something good will happen soon.  *vent over*
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: FlyingBIZKIT on March 09, 2015, 12:03:01 AM
I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I've always felt like when there's a barrage of bad things that happen, something good soon follows, and it's usually when you least expect it.

Like as far as my relationships have gone, they've all started when I wasn't necessarily looking but was on stand-by. I feel like when I'm constantly searching for someone it turns into a chore and nothing good comes out of it.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on March 09, 2015, 12:06:34 AM
I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I've always felt like when there's a barrage of bad things that happen, something good soon follows, and it's usually when you least expect it.

Like as far as my relationships have gone, they've all started when I wasn't necessarily looking but was on stand-by. I feel like when I'm constantly searching for someone it turns into a chore and nothing good comes out of it.

Thanks for your concern.  You're right about looking too hard. It seems like things really do happen when we least expect it.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: FlyingBIZKIT on March 09, 2015, 12:07:17 AM
I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I've always felt like when there's a barrage of bad things that happen, something good soon follows, and it's usually when you least expect it.

Like as far as my relationships have gone, they've all started when I wasn't necessarily looking but was on stand-by. I feel like when I'm constantly searching for someone it turns into a chore and nothing good comes out of it.

Thanks for your concern.  You're right about looking too hard. It seems like things really do happen when we least expect it.

No problem! I think things will swing your way soon.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on March 09, 2015, 12:15:02 AM
Indeed they will. Same for you.

It's Only A Matter Of Time.   ;)
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on March 09, 2015, 07:01:09 AM
So this wonderful girl I knew for about half a year and dated for about 3 months broke up with me just a few days ago, I felt that things were going perfect to be honest.

Get this: She breaks up with me via Facebook Messenger and the reason for breaking is up is she needs to be "closer to God".

Wat.


On to the next. :metal

Sorry to hear, no idea what that excuse really means, but on the surface it sounds like a poor excuse unless you have been demonizing this lady. 

Sorry to hear that.  I'm still waiting for the next one and I'm fucking miserable over the whole situation, the divorce, not seeing my daughter all of the time, living in an apartment on my own.  It sucks and I'm just hoping that something good will happen soon.  *vent over*

Sorry to hear that as well, but like bizkit said, things will sway back into your favor over time.  Id imagine the adjustment you are going through is really tough but once you get through that then things should start to look better.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: FlyingBIZKIT on March 09, 2015, 03:45:10 PM
So this wonderful girl I knew for about half a year and dated for about 3 months broke up with me just a few days ago, I felt that things were going perfect to be honest.

Get this: She breaks up with me via Facebook Messenger and the reason for breaking is up is she needs to be "closer to God".

Wat.


On to the next. :metal
Sorry to hear, no idea what that excuse really means, but on the surface it sounds like a poor excuse unless you have been demonizing this lady. 

Haha, no demonizing over here! It was pretty much going wonderful. I knew she was a religious person, but I think kicking someone out of your life because of it when that person has been nothing but good to you is ironic and questionable.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on March 09, 2015, 05:05:31 PM
Sorry to hear that.  I'm still waiting for the next one and I'm fucking miserable over the whole situation, the divorce, not seeing my daughter all of the time, living in an apartment on my own.  It sucks and I'm just hoping that something good will happen soon.  *vent over*

Bro, having just gone through all of that, IT WILL BE BETTER.  You just can't be desperate to get through the tough times.  It's part of the process.  BUT IT WILL GET BETTER.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on March 10, 2015, 10:57:08 AM
Sorry to hear that as well, but like bizkit said, things will sway back into your favor over time.  Id imagine the adjustment you are going through is really tough but once you get through that then things should start to look better.

Bro, having just gone through all of that, IT WILL BE BETTER.  You just can't be desperate to get through the tough times.  It's part of the process.  BUT IT WILL GET BETTER.

Thanks guys, I appreciate the advice.  I'm doing a little better the last couple of days.  I think the weather improving is actually helping too. My mood is extremely influenced by the weather. I'm an extreme empath so unfortunately not just human interaction affects me, but other forces of nature as well.

Today is a good so far.   :D
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Lynxo on March 13, 2015, 04:33:23 AM
First date since I became single tonight. "Fika" as we call it in swedish with a girl I've known for a few years. Nothing serious about it so I think it's a good move. :)
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on March 13, 2015, 05:55:26 AM
First date since I became single tonight. "Fika" as we call it in swedish with a girl I've known for a few years. Nothing serious about it so I think it's a good move. :)

Good luck and have fun!  Supposed to take the girl I met on okcupid a few weeks ago out tonight to my favorite Mexican restaurant.  She has already cooked me two amazing meals on our last two dates so time to take her out to a nice meal.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Lynxo on March 13, 2015, 06:04:51 AM
Nice! I hope you have fun as well.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Zydar on March 13, 2015, 06:06:22 AM
Have a great time, you two!



Separately, that is.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on March 13, 2015, 06:08:02 AM
As much as Id love to visit Sweden, I wont be able to make it tonight.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Lynxo on March 13, 2015, 06:10:11 AM
:(
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on March 13, 2015, 09:56:52 AM
Well you can scratch my date off, apparently I am not allowed to call her "buddy".  I said good morning buddy and that seemed to have set her off.  According to her, once my dick and her make contact, using the word buddy is off limits.  Which I get in a literal sense, but I was just being friendly not serious which I told her but she just seemed to want to argue about it so I cancelled.  I don't have the time nor patience to deal with arguments about something so stupid with someone I've only met a few times.  I do believe she was/is seeing someone else though, I have my suspicions based on what goes on her instagram, but Im fine with that since we werent serious and I had seen another girl once after we had first met so I am guilty of that myself. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: JayOctavarium on March 13, 2015, 10:04:08 AM
Sorry to hear that buddy.

Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on March 13, 2015, 10:11:57 AM
No sorries necessary, Im totally cool with it.  I dont need women who are going to be drama in my life.  I sent her a nice "goodbye" message thanking her for the awesome meals she cooked for me and good luck to her future which I got no response and blocked on instagram within minutes of sending that.  Kind of shows shes not the girl I want to invest my time into anyway.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on March 13, 2015, 11:18:26 AM
No sorries necessary, Im totally cool with it.  I dont need women who are going to be drama in my life.  I sent her a nice "goodbye" message thanking her for the awesome meals she cooked for me and good luck to her future which I got no response and blocked on instagram within minutes of sending that.  Kind of shows shes not the girl I want to invest my time into anyway.

Want me to follow her on Instagram and provide updates and possible confirmation of the other guy? Everyone accepts an invite from @pocket_curiosity
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on March 13, 2015, 11:54:44 AM
lol thanks for the offer.  I honestly dont care, she has every right to be with another guy.  I go to LA on wednesday for 10 days, when I get back its onto finding a new girl and while tonight will now be likely spent alone, at least it will be relaxing and keep my wallet more full cause that place I was going to take her is $20 a plate.  Oh yea, I bought her a bottle of her favorite wine too, I guess I will have to drink it now.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: JayOctavarium on March 13, 2015, 12:00:02 PM
No sorries necessary, Im totally cool with it.  I dont need women who are going to be drama in my life.  I sent her a nice "goodbye" message thanking her for the awesome meals she cooked for me and good luck to her future which I got no response and blocked on instagram within minutes of sending that.  Kind of shows shes not the girl I want to invest my time into anyway.

I was trying to make you laugh by calling you Buddy. :D

No sorries necessary, Im totally cool with it.  I dont need women who are going to be drama in my life.  I sent her a nice "goodbye" message thanking her for the awesome meals she cooked for me and good luck to her future which I got no response and blocked on instagram within minutes of sending that.  Kind of shows shes not the girl I want to invest my time into anyway.

Want me to follow her on Instagram and provide updates and possible confirmation of the other guy? Everyone accepts an invite from @pocket_curiosity

:lol


It is true.


Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: kingshmegland on March 13, 2015, 12:01:48 PM
No sorries necessary, Im totally cool with it.  I dont need women who are going to be drama in my life.  I sent her a nice "goodbye" message thanking her for the awesome meals she cooked for me and good luck to her future which I got no response and blocked on instagram within minutes of sending that.  Kind of shows shes not the girl I want to invest my time into anyway.

Great call, no need to react to that in the way she did.  Boot to the curb, enjoy your freedom and someone will come along that wants to hear buddy from you in the shower, on the phone, from across the mall and not damn drama.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on March 13, 2015, 02:24:49 PM
First date since I became single tonight. "Fika" as we call it in swedish with a girl I've known for a few years. Nothing serious about it so I think it's a good move. :)

Good luck and have fun!  Supposed to take the girl I met on okcupid a few weeks ago out tonight to my favorite Mexican restaurant.  She has already cooked me two amazing meals on our last two dates so time to take her out to a nice meal.

After reading this, I was about to post that I have started talking to a couple of women in NJ and that we should double one night just to meet and hang out.  Then I read the rest of your messages.  Sorry man.  I have been faring better with Plenty of Fish actually.  I'm talking to a couple of NJ women and three women here on Staten Island.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on March 13, 2015, 02:39:23 PM
First date since I became single tonight. "Fika" as we call it in swedish with a girl I've known for a few years. Nothing serious about it so I think it's a good move. :)

Good luck and have fun!  Supposed to take the girl I met on okcupid a few weeks ago out tonight to my favorite Mexican restaurant.  She has already cooked me two amazing meals on our last two dates so time to take her out to a nice meal.

After reading this, I was about to post that I have started talking to a couple of women in NJ and that we should double one night just to meet and hang out.  Then I read the rest of your messages.  Sorry man.  I have been faring better with Plenty of Fish actually.  I'm talking to a couple of NJ women and three women here on Staten Island.

Not sure how a double date of internet girls and I guess guys too in this case would go, but if youd want to meet sometime to just chill at a bar or something let me know.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on March 13, 2015, 02:50:59 PM
First date since I became single tonight. "Fika" as we call it in swedish with a girl I've known for a few years. Nothing serious about it so I think it's a good move. :)

Good luck and have fun!  Supposed to take the girl I met on okcupid a few weeks ago out tonight to my favorite Mexican restaurant.  She has already cooked me two amazing meals on our last two dates so time to take her out to a nice meal.

After reading this, I was about to post that I have started talking to a couple of women in NJ and that we should double one night just to meet and hang out.  Then I read the rest of your messages.  Sorry man.  I have been faring better with Plenty of Fish actually.  I'm talking to a couple of NJ women and three women here on Staten Island.

Not sure how a double date of internet girls and I guess guys too in this case would go, but if youd want to meet sometime to just chill at a bar or something let me know.

I do have wild ideas sometimes.   :lol     
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on March 16, 2015, 06:28:41 PM
So after ending things with that one girl, I ended up meeting another okcupid girl for the first time last weekend.  I had been talking to her but I wasn't totally interested and after things going sour wiht the other girl decided to through the idea of meeting up and she happened to be free so we did an impromptu meeting for a drink.  I could tell by her body language she likes me.  She was prettier than her picutres and was really nice, I thought we connected well.  She told me it was the best conversation she had on any online date.  I went to the bathroom and came back to find she paid the bar tab! That was awesome.  She said it was time to decide what to do so I offered her to come back to my place and she accepted.  Watched some TV together and had a good make out session.  Nothing more, but there was solid chemistry there.  She was a great kisser and fun to talk to.  We agreed we needed to try again to see if it truly was that good.  Sadly I go to LA for 10 days now so we won't have another opportunity for a few weeks.  Oh well, most girls and I tend to have a falling out when I go on business trips so we will see.  This was unexpected so if it works, then great, if it doesnt then oh well.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on March 16, 2015, 06:37:02 PM
Nice man.  At least you had a good time.  You never know, maybe if you guys email/text back and forth while you're way it'll spark a deeper interest. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on March 17, 2015, 06:29:41 AM
So after ending things with that one girl, I ended up meeting another okcupid girl for the first time last weekend.  I had been talking to her but I wasn't totally interested and after things going sour wiht the other girl decided to through the idea of meeting up and she happened to be free so we did an impromptu meeting for a drink.  I could tell by her body language she likes me.  She was prettier than her picutres and was really nice, I thought we connected well.  She told me it was the best conversation she had on any online date.  I went to the bathroom and came back to find she paid the bar tab! That was awesome.  She said it was time to decide what to do so I offered her to come back to my place and she accepted.  Watched some TV together and had a good make out session.  Nothing more, but there was solid chemistry there.  She was a great kisser and fun to talk to.  We agreed we needed to try again to see if it truly was that good.  Sadly I go to LA for 10 days now so we won't have another opportunity for a few weeks.  Oh well, most girls and I tend to have a falling out when I go on business trips so we will see.  This was unexpected so if it works, then great, if it doesnt then oh well.

My current girlfriend paid for our first bar outting too. She went to the bathroom and paid the server without me knowing. A few days later, she left for Florida for 10 days.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on March 17, 2015, 06:44:14 AM
Wow, thats hilarious.  Im not all worked up over this girl or anything, just a good first time meet up.  She is in theater and looking to land a gig that will have her traveling somewhere to perform so I dont see anything more than friends with benefits at this point due to my work travel and her potential long term travel if it even amounts to that, for all I know I come back from LA and she is gone to wherever she may go.  I just had to note that she was the best kisser I have encountered since I had become single 6 months ago which is a big turn on for me.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on March 17, 2015, 06:47:43 AM
I get bored with the kissing after like a month. It's great initially, but it kind of loses its fun fast, at least for me.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on March 17, 2015, 06:51:19 AM
I get bored with the kissing after like a month. It's great initially, but it kind of loses its fun fast, at least for me.

True, but if its a bad kiss then it wont even last a month for me. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on March 17, 2015, 08:06:24 AM
I get bored with the kissing after like a month. It's great initially, but it kind of loses its fun fast, at least for me.

True, but if its a bad kiss then it wont even last a month for me.

This exactly.  if a kiss becomes boring after a month or so, the relationship will surely fail.  There needs to be that level of sensuality otherwise I will lose interest. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on March 17, 2015, 08:09:31 AM
I get bored with the kissing after like a month. It's great initially, but it kind of loses its fun fast, at least for me.

True, but if its a bad kiss then it wont even last a month for me.

This exactly.  if a kiss becomes boring after a month or so, the relationship will surely fail.  There needs to be that level of sensuality otherwise I will lose interest.

I completely disagree. Just because I don't want to sit on a couch and lick another tongue for a half hour doesn't mean there is not a high enough level of sensuality. There are way more fun activities to do besides kissing.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on March 17, 2015, 08:29:40 AM
I get bored with the kissing after like a month. It's great initially, but it kind of loses its fun fast, at least for me.

True, but if its a bad kiss then it wont even last a month for me.

This exactly.  if a kiss becomes boring after a month or so, the relationship will surely fail.  There needs to be that level of sensuality otherwise I will lose interest.

I completely disagree. Just because I don't want to sit on a couch and lick another tongue for a half hour doesn't mean there is not a high enough level of sensuality. There are way more fun activities to do besides kissing.

It doesn't have to be a half-hour activity. Just one kiss I'm talking about. I need to feel something in just one kiss.  I've been with terrible kissers with gorgeous bodies and been completely turned off. It's a sensuality issue for me. If you can't kiss properly, do you really think I expect the sex to be good?  Anybody can fuck. That's the easy part.  Blow me away with a kiss.  In my experience, it's those with no passion behind their kisses that usually lay there like a dead fish in bed.   
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on March 17, 2015, 09:31:37 AM
I actually get really turned on by good kissing.  One minute of kissing and I was ready to go, but if she wasnt a good kisser then I wouldn't of felt the same way and I dont think Id even give it a chance to discover if I liked her enough for other reasons to be able to deal with poor kissing.  Its too important for me and there is a certain chemistry that goes into that as well.  Im not saying I need to feel anything special, but the tongues need to act in a certain way together and when they dont it just doesnt work for me.  Granted the good/warm feelings from that fade away over time like everything else, but I couldnt picture myself dating someone I didnt enjoy kissing.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on March 17, 2015, 09:36:29 AM
I'm not saying I don't enjoy kissing. Don't get me wrong, it leads to probably 95% of mine and my girlfriends' sexual encounters. What I'm trying to say is that when we first dated/started meeting places, we'd make out in one of our cars for a long ass time. Now, after dating for a while and living in a house together, I don't really have any desire to just sit and make out for a half hour just for the sake of making out.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on March 17, 2015, 09:40:26 AM
Yea I agree, I personally dont enjoy 30 minutes of kissing.  For me, it needs to lead to other things or Id rather stop sooner than a half hour.  However, a first time kiss that goes on for awhile can be enjoyable or the first few times since you are just starting to explore each other.  My main point is I need to enjoy the kiss the first time or I will lose my desire to continue. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on March 17, 2015, 09:43:11 AM
Agreed.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on March 17, 2015, 09:53:10 AM
Yea I agree, I personally dont enjoy 30 minutes of kissing.  For me, it needs to lead to other things or Id rather stop sooner than a half hour.  However, a first time kiss that goes on for awhile can be enjoyable or the first few times since you are just starting to explore each other.  My main point is I need to enjoy the kiss the first time or I will lose my desire to continue.

it needs to be more than the first time.  I'm not saying 15 years later it better feel the same but it has to last for a while for me. I need something to keep my attention as I'm getting to know her and falling for her. I'm not also not saying if every other aspect of her was perfect, I would dump her.  It's a tough situation.  I started seeing a girl who was basically gorgeous, her kiss was dead and lifeless. There's me at the end of the night watching her perfectly muscled ass walking away realizing I need to tell her that a second date will probably not happen.  I did give her one more chance, thinking maybe she was just nervous or something.  So we went out and we started getting into this heavy makeout session.  It was terrrrible.  Her tongue was all over my face, her lips were drier than a nun's cunt, and I just felt like running away.  I ended it after that evening. 

So, yeah.  I need to feel passion behind a kiss with someone new.  And it does have to last for a while. You can't have this passion disappearing three, four, five dates later because the person stopped trying.  It needs to last for a while.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Elite on March 17, 2015, 10:03:10 AM
ITT: We like kissing.

My two cents: I enjoy my girlfriend's kisses and have done so from the first one we gave each other. I also think kissing is an important factor in showing affection in any relationship (at least in mine), so whenever she would start giving me worse kisses or whatever, I might jump to conclusions and think something's up.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: FlyingBIZKIT on March 17, 2015, 02:54:51 PM
So I just got back from meeting with my ex girlfriend to get my stuff back. I let her borrow some of my Florida State shirts and a couple CDs and I needed that stuff back ASAP, lol.

It wasn't very awkward because I felt like another chapter in my life had ended, but a new one would be starting soon. I probably hated her two weeks ago, but now, there's no point. She's just irrelevant to me, and I'm happy with that. Can't wait to see what's in store for me in the future.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on March 17, 2015, 07:08:58 PM
So I just got back from meeting with my ex girlfriend to get my stuff back. I let her borrow some of my Florida State shirts and a couple CDs and I needed that stuff back ASAP, lol.

It wasn't very awkward because I felt like another chapter in my life had ended, but a new one would be starting soon. I probably hated her two weeks ago, but now, there's no point. She's just irrelevant to me, and I'm happy with that. Can't wait to see what's in store for me in the future.

 :tup Cool and good job, no point in making things awkward.  And thats definitely a good way to look at it, thinking ahead.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Daso on March 17, 2015, 10:37:33 PM
It's been quite a while since I last posted on the forum at all, and I think it's the first time I post on a thread under the General Discussion category, but I suppose some outer opinion from people other than my close friends could help a lot at this point, particularly because none of them has given me some I could actually use  :lol

So, first off there's this girl I met about two months ago. In college, we were organizing a party and we had to sell tickets for it and so on, so some of us went to classrooms of other careers in order to boost sales and attendance. I went to one and gave my cellphone number out loud so anyone who was interested could chat me. Anyways, she was the only one to chat me, telling me she wanted 6 tickets for her and friends. She was super friendly while talking, and I figured she doesn't actually know too many people since she's foreign and got here only a few months ago. At one point she stopped answering and to be honest I didn't mind. A couple of days latter I chatted to her to know if she still wanted the tickets, and she told me she wasn't going to the party anymore because a friend of hers had been killed the day we were talking (not that she blamed me or felt any type of pretentious deal was going on, she was mourning). I've seen her around for these two months, but didn't think she actually remember who I was, until last week she walked past by me and stopped to say hi, and she does the same every time I see her now.

I've wanted to chat her now since I thought she was cool back then and she's really pretty, but we only talked those two times and I feel the only memory she could possibly have of me is "the guy who was selling tickets back when my friend was killed". It worries me that I wouldn't be able to keep the conversation flowing or something as well and I keep putting off talking to her because of that.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on March 18, 2015, 03:42:16 AM
I say shoot her a text and try to spark a convo that way. You got nothing to lose since you aren't friends or anything. You already got her number. I guess you can always stop her next time you say hi to spark a convo too, but if you are worried about holding a convo, then chatting through text is easier.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on March 18, 2015, 06:12:34 AM
It's been quite a while since I last posted on the forum at all, and I think it's the first time I post on a thread under the General Discussion category, but I suppose some outer opinion from people other than my close friends could help a lot at this point, particularly because none of them has given me some I could actually use  :lol

So, first off there's this girl I met about two months ago. In college, we were organizing a party and we had to sell tickets for it and so on, so some of us went to classrooms of other careers in order to boost sales and attendance. I went to one and gave my cellphone number out loud so anyone who was interested could chat me. Anyways, she was the only one to chat me, telling me she wanted 6 tickets for her and friends. She was super friendly while talking, and I figured she doesn't actually know too many people since she's foreign and got here only a few months ago. At one point she stopped answering and to be honest I didn't mind. A couple of days latter I chatted to her to know if she still wanted the tickets, and she told me she wasn't going to the party anymore because a friend of hers had been killed the day we were talking (not that she blamed me or felt any type of pretentious deal was going on, she was mourning). I've seen her around for these two months, but didn't think she actually remember who I was, until last week she walked past by me and stopped to say hi, and she does the same every time I see her now.

I've wanted to chat her now since I thought she was cool back then and she's really pretty, but we only talked those two times and I feel the only memory she could possibly have of me is "the guy who was selling tickets back when my friend was killed". It worries me that I wouldn't be able to keep the conversation flowing or something as well and I keep putting off talking to her because of that.

Just go for it.  Like cram said, you have nothing to lose.  Just be friendly and comforting and even if she isn't interested she'll be polite about it.  Don't make it awkward for her because then it just gets extremely weird and uncomfortable.  You don't want the last words you say to her (if she decides not to bite) to be awkward.  Just be friendly and she'll appreciate it regardless of her decision,
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on March 18, 2015, 06:24:59 AM
I get bored with the kissing after like a month. It's great initially, but it kind of loses its fun fast, at least for me.

True, but if its a bad kiss then it wont even last a month for me.

This exactly.  if a kiss becomes boring after a month or so, the relationship will surely fail.  There needs to be that level of sensuality otherwise I will lose interest.

I completely disagree. Just because I don't want to sit on a couch and lick another tongue for a half hour doesn't mean there is not a high enough level of sensuality. There are way more fun activities to do besides kissing.

It doesn't have to be a half-hour activity. Just one kiss I'm talking about. I need to feel something in just one kiss.  I've been with terrible kissers with gorgeous bodies and been completely turned off. It's a sensuality issue for me. If you can't kiss properly, do you really think I expect the sex to be good?  Anybody can fuck. That's the easy part.  Blow me away with a kiss.  In my experience, it's those with no passion behind their kisses that usually lay there like a dead fish in bed.

I'm with you on that.  100%.  Kissing is absolutely a deal-breaker for me, because while you can do all these other things, a kiss can happen anywhere.  There is nothing better than being in a mall or a restaurant, and sneaking a quick kiss, and having it be electric, knowing there is so much more waiting for later.   My current girlfriend is the best kisser I've ever dated, and that is something that has definitely brought us closer. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on March 18, 2015, 06:59:22 AM
I get bored with the kissing after like a month. It's great initially, but it kind of loses its fun fast, at least for me.

True, but if its a bad kiss then it wont even last a month for me.

This exactly.  if a kiss becomes boring after a month or so, the relationship will surely fail.  There needs to be that level of sensuality otherwise I will lose interest.

I completely disagree. Just because I don't want to sit on a couch and lick another tongue for a half hour doesn't mean there is not a high enough level of sensuality. There are way more fun activities to do besides kissing.

It doesn't have to be a half-hour activity. Just one kiss I'm talking about. I need to feel something in just one kiss.  I've been with terrible kissers with gorgeous bodies and been completely turned off. It's a sensuality issue for me. If you can't kiss properly, do you really think I expect the sex to be good?  Anybody can fuck. That's the easy part.  Blow me away with a kiss.  In my experience, it's those with no passion behind their kisses that usually lay there like a dead fish in bed.

I'm with you on that.  100%.  Kissing is absolutely a deal-breaker for me, because while you can do all these other things, a kiss can happen anywhere.  There is nothing better than being in a mall or a restaurant, and sneaking a quick kiss, and having it be electric, knowing there is so much more waiting for later.   My current girlfriend is the best kisser I've ever dated, and that is something that has definitely brought us closer.

This is what I was trying to express, the convenience that it can happen anywhere and if she's a good kisser then it seals our fate better than if she were just terrible at it.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on March 29, 2015, 11:39:08 PM
So I was on Plenty of Fish earlier this evening and out of nowhere I get an email from this woman. Now, I don't have many photos of myself so my selection is limited.  So I used one of the photos from last March when I met the guys from DT.  It's a picture of me an JP.  So this girl emails me and says, "OMG How do you know John Petrucci. He's my cousin."   It winds up this girl is indeed one of JP's cousins and JP's mother is this girl's godmother.  We had some small conversation and then she headed to bed so I'm not sure if that is going to progress anywhere but I found that to be pretty cool. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: rumborak on March 30, 2015, 07:33:30 AM
Unless this girl is absolutely clueless about what he does for a living, that is a rather stupid thing to ask. I think the assumption of any picture with a famous artist should be that you don't really know the artist, you just happened to meet him.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on March 30, 2015, 08:13:32 AM
Dude. Get her pregnant. Then you'll get gifts from Petrucci and will probably get to chill with him on Christmas and stuff.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on March 30, 2015, 09:36:37 AM
Unless this girl is absolutely clueless about what he does for a living, that is a rather stupid thing to ask. I think the assumption of any picture with a famous artist should be that you don't really know the artist, you just happened to meet him.

Not necessarily.  For all she knows I could be one of his many friends that she never met. 

Dude. Get her pregnant. Then you'll get gifts from Petrucci and will probably get to chill with him on Christmas and stuff.

 :lol   Do I get the phone call from James?   "At this point we would like to welcome you to the family"
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on March 30, 2015, 09:37:08 AM
That is awesome!  And while she could be clueless... it is also possible she used that as an ice breaker to start a convo if she is interested?  And yes, please get her pregnant lol

So I made it back from LA and I spoke to the girl I had just met and had that awesome kiss with the entire time I was in LA, then the last night she drops the bomb saying she plans on traveling for up to 9 months of the year and wanted a committed relationship while she travels... well she didnt flat out say that.  She just hinted at it over and over during the course of a text message convo and I asked her what she was implying and she just said this is where either guys leave or stick around.  Well, I don't want to enter a serious long distance relationship so there goes that.  I'm not sure how you expect to find someone that wants that, but good luck to her in her search.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on March 30, 2015, 09:54:21 AM
That is awesome!  And while she could be clueless... it is also possible she used that as an ice breaker to start a convo if she is interested?  And yes, please get her pregnant lol

So I made it back from LA and I spoke to the girl I had just met and had that awesome kiss with the entire time I was in LA, then the last night she drops the bomb saying she plans on traveling for up to 9 months of the year and wanted a committed relationship while she travels... well she didnt flat out say that.  She just hinted at it over and over during the course of a text message convo and I asked her what she was implying and she just said this is where either guys leave or stick around.  Well, I don't want to enter a serious long distance relationship so there goes that.  I'm not sure how you expect to find someone that wants that, but good luck to her in her search.

I know a girl that met a guy abroad in England a few years ago. She moved back home to the states after the semester was over. She flew back out there a year or so later and married him. She came back to the states again, and they've been a married couple living in separate countries for almost two years now. I don't understand it.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on March 30, 2015, 09:58:07 AM
That is awesome!  And while she could be clueless... it is also possible she used that as an ice breaker to start a convo if she is interested?  And yes, please get her pregnant lol

So I made it back from LA and I spoke to the girl I had just met and had that awesome kiss with the entire time I was in LA, then the last night she drops the bomb saying she plans on traveling for up to 9 months of the year and wanted a committed relationship while she travels... well she didnt flat out say that.  She just hinted at it over and over during the course of a text message convo and I asked her what she was implying and she just said this is where either guys leave or stick around.  Well, I don't want to enter a serious long distance relationship so there goes that.  I'm not sure how you expect to find someone that wants that, but good luck to her in her search.

For some people it's actually ideal.  Especially in the beginning.  I don't think I could do it though.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Lynxo on March 31, 2015, 10:07:50 AM
I have no less than three dates this week. The first one starts tonight so wish me luck guys! :)
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on March 31, 2015, 11:31:22 AM
I have no less than three dates this week. The first one starts tonight so wish me luck guys! :)

Good luck!  :metal
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on March 31, 2015, 02:02:05 PM
I have no less than three dates this week. The first one starts tonight so wish me luck guys! :)

Good luck!
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on March 31, 2015, 02:51:41 PM
Good luck!




(Now, apparently, all three dates are covered.)
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: FlyingBIZKIT on March 31, 2015, 08:17:17 PM
Went on a date today. She was nice.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on March 31, 2015, 08:18:55 PM
That's it?  Or are you just being kind?    :lol
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: FlyingBIZKIT on March 31, 2015, 08:35:49 PM
Haha nah, it was fun. We went out to eat and then I took her back to her dorm so she could work on her paper. I don't have any idea what I'm looking for right now, but we'll see what happens
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on March 31, 2015, 08:45:26 PM
Just have fun and take it a day at a time.   

I haven't been on a date yet but I'm talking to about a half a dozen different women right now, so I'm assuming within the next week or so I'll meet one of them at least. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: FlyingBIZKIT on March 31, 2015, 08:49:52 PM
Ladies Man, you are.

And yeah, and my ex broke up with me about a month ago, but it doesn't have much impact because I just don't find myself caring too much.

Really I just don't know what to do with my life right now. I find myself being super bored. I go to school during the week and work with my mom on days I'm off. Just kind of a stale life tbh, but I always find myself having more fun when I have someone I can be close and intimate with.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: kingshmegland on March 31, 2015, 08:51:55 PM
Just have fun and take it a day at a time.   

I haven't been on a date yet but I'm talking to about a half a dozen different women right now, so I'm assuming within the next week or so I'll meet one of them at least.

Sorry dude, they're all me.  I wanted to make you feel better.  I do love dirty talk.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on March 31, 2015, 08:55:50 PM
Ladies Man, you are.

And yeah, and my ex broke up with me about a month ago, but it doesn't have much impact because I just don't find myself caring too much.

Really I just don't know what to do with my life right now. I find myself being super bored. I go to school during the week and work with my mom on days I'm off. Just kind of a stale life tbh, but I always find myself having more fun when I have someone I can be close and intimate with.

Not at all.   :biggrin:    I just like to keep my options open until I meet someone I really like. 

I empathize with you completely.  I finally moved into my own place after my wife and I separated and now I can't be here for more than a few hours without an overwhelming feeling of sadness and loneliness, so I just pick up and go for a drive and usually wind up at Starbucks for a couple of hours.   I miss the same things you do, that closeness and intimacy and the comfort. I thrive on comfort.


Just have fun and take it a day at a time.   

I haven't been on a date yet but I'm talking to about a half a dozen different women right now, so I'm assuming within the next week or so I'll meet one of them at least.

Sorry dude, they're all me.  I wanted to make you feel better.  I do love dirty talk.

That's fine with me.  So regardless of which woman I choose, I'm a winner.  Just make sure you know how to cook Italian food and you'll always have a place in my heart. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: FlyingBIZKIT on March 31, 2015, 08:58:53 PM
Ladies Man, you are.

And yeah, and my ex broke up with me about a month ago, but it doesn't have much impact because I just don't find myself caring too much.

Really I just don't know what to do with my life right now. I find myself being super bored. I go to school during the week and work with my mom on days I'm off. Just kind of a stale life tbh, but I always find myself having more fun when I have someone I can be close and intimate with.

Not at all.   :biggrin:    I just like to keep my options open until I meet someone I really like. 

I empathize with you completely.  I finally moved into my own place after my wife and I separated and now I can't be here for more than a few hours without an overwhelming feeling of sadness and loneliness, so I just pick up and go for a drive and usually wind up at Starbucks for a couple of hours.   I miss the same things you do, that closeness and intimacy and the comfort. I thrive on comfort.

Yeah it's good to keep a variety of "contestants"

And I do the same thing. I can't stand to be by myself for too long, it drives me crazy.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: SystematicThought on March 31, 2015, 09:08:48 PM
Still haven't done my thing yet that I've been talking about for awhile now. Not for lack of trying--it's just never worked out. If she says no when I ask her again soon, then that's when I'll stop. It's a weird situation though, so without being directly involved, it's hard to explain to other people. A guy at work pointed out to me though: "Someone's gotta make a move at some point, there's something between you guys and other people have taken notice."  That gave me a good chuckle, because it lets me know that I'm not the only one who senses something.

Last week at work, if someone had been watching closely they would have assumed already that we are dating. After our shift ended, we shopped together, checked out together, and left together. We were attached at the hip there for a little while. The same manager who made a comment last time said that wherever I am, she's usually nearby and vice versa.

I do enjoy that "will they or won't they" tension though..   :lol
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on March 31, 2015, 09:09:02 PM
I know.  It's frustrating and unsettling.  This is the first time in my life I've been on my own.  One month in and here I am pacing back and forth.   I'll probably wind up lying down and falling asleep. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Sacul on March 31, 2015, 09:41:56 PM
And I do the same thing. I can't stand to be by myself for too long, it drives me crazy.
What a curious thing, I'm exactly the opposite. I NEED to be alone most of the time, even if I deeply enjoy the company of others - after a few hours I start to feel really uncomfortable if I'm not on my own. Guess that's why I'm still single :lol .
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Lynxo on April 01, 2015, 01:14:09 AM
Date number one went quite well. She's a metal lady with dreads and lots of tattoos. :metal My kinda gal, so to speak. ;)
I certainly wouldn't mind seeing her again but I really don't see it going anywhere. She was fun and all but nothing more than that.

Oh well, the next one is on friday. :metal
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on April 01, 2015, 06:05:39 AM
Sometimes just being fun is enough, at least for me... but yea that only goes so far.

I actually got a date tonight myself.  So on Monday I hit up okcupid and pretty much had a text convo with a new girl all afternoon yesterday and she asks me to chat later at 10pm, I thought it was odd she specifically put a time to chat, but I said yea since i was home.  10 comes and she asks to call me.  I freaked out for a moment.  I've dated about 6 or 7 girls since I broke up with my x in August, but not one time had a girl wanted to have a phone conversation.  So I told her give me a few and Id call her since I needed a moment to mentally prepare myself.  So we talked and it turns out we have so much in common, she actually said it was scarey how similar our situations are.  So we agreed to meet up tonight for coffee.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on April 01, 2015, 07:12:58 AM
Date number one went quite well. She's a metal lady with dreads and lots of tattoos. :metal My kinda gal, so to speak. ;)
I certainly wouldn't mind seeing her again but I really don't see it going anywhere. She was fun and all but nothing more than that.

Oh well, the next one is on friday. :metal

Good luck on the next one.

Sometimes just being fun is enough, at least for me... but yea that only goes so far.

I actually got a date tonight myself.  So on Monday I hit up okcupid and pretty much had a text convo with a new girl all afternoon yesterday and she asks me to chat later at 10pm, I thought it was odd she specifically put a time to chat, but I said yea since i was home.  10 comes and she asks to call me.  I freaked out for a moment.  I've dated about 6 or 7 girls since I broke up with my x in August, but not one time had a girl wanted to have a phone conversation.  So I told her give me a few and Id call her since I needed a moment to mentally prepare myself.  So we talked and it turns out we have so much in common, she actually said it was scarey how similar our situations are.  So we agreed to meet up tonight for coffee.

That's great!  So far, so good. 

And I do the same thing. I can't stand to be by myself for too long, it drives me crazy.
What a curious thing, I'm exactly the opposite. I NEED to be alone most of the time, even if I deeply enjoy the company of others - after a few hours I start to feel really uncomfortable if I'm not on my own. Guess that's why I'm still single :lol .

It's strange because I'm extremely introverted and always need my alone time but I think because of the situation I'm in, having NO choice but to be alone, it's a bit overwhelming.  I like the option of having someone and also being allowed that time to go out on my own for a couple of hours by going for a hike or sitting by the water.  I'm completely immersed in solitude now and it's something I never had to deal with before. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on April 01, 2015, 07:22:07 AM
Ladies Man, you are.

And yeah, and my ex broke up with me about a month ago, but it doesn't have much impact because I just don't find myself caring too much.

Really I just don't know what to do with my life right now. I find myself being super bored. I go to school during the week and work with my mom on days I'm off. Just kind of a stale life tbh, but I always find myself having more fun when I have someone I can be close and intimate with.

Not at all.   :biggrin:    I just like to keep my options open until I meet someone I really like. 

I empathize with you completely.  I finally moved into my own place after my wife and I separated and now I can't be here for more than a few hours without an overwhelming feeling of sadness and loneliness, so I just pick up and go for a drive and usually wind up at Starbucks for a couple of hours.   I miss the same things you do, that closeness and intimacy and the comfort. I thrive on comfort.

Just offering this, as I went through something similar not long ago... I know everyone is different, but for me, I couldn't sit in the four walls for long, and while I'm not a huge drinker, I would go to my local Irish bar and sit in the end seat and read the paper, do a crossword (I'm a xword nut), or just chat with the two bartenders I knew.    Having said that, though, I would talk with ANYBODY.   And it became fun in and of itself just talking to random people.  You find a couple things:  there are some FUCKED UP people in the world; no matter what your situation, there is SOMEONE in a situation that is similar; and people are generally friendly.   But from that, you figure out things.  I HATE doing my crossword with people (I say this to be funny, but most people are dumber than me), but I would sort of force myself to let it happen, and I can't tell you how many times I ended up with a name and phone number on the top of the folded up paper.  Almost none of them panned out for anything, but that isn't the point.  It gets you out there, it gets you forgetting about your situation, and it sharpens your conversation skills (for real).   

Here's why this is important:  for most of my life, I had a fear of being single.  But after my divorce (perhaps the one time I was FORCED to be single) this tactic sort of took the edge off.  So now, while I am dating someone I really like, and don't want her to go, I don't FEAR her going.  I don't want to be single, but I don't fear it.  I'm half-assed good looking, have a little coin, and can carry a conversation.   I know I'll find someone, and in the meantime, I'm at an age where we're all adults, so to speak, so not everything has to be a "long term committed relationship" if you're following me.   In an odd way, this has made my relationship better and more honest.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on April 01, 2015, 07:31:50 AM
Thanks for the input.  Maybe I'll go to my favorite local bar next time.  I know the owner and graduated high school with his son.  I used to go there a lot and came to knew most of the regulars.  Maybe I'll check that place out again a couple of times a week.  The food is always good and it beats the nothing I've been eating lately.   :lol
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: jonnybaxy on April 07, 2015, 03:24:26 PM
My girlfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago and I've realised that Facebook is just the worst thing ever...

Every time I see her or her name I feel sick to my stomach, had to 'unfriend' her because I'm sick of that feeling every time
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on April 07, 2015, 04:17:46 PM
My girlfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago and I've realised that Facebook is just the worst thing ever...

Every time I see her or her name I feel sick to my stomach, had to 'unfriend' her because I'm sick of that feeling every time

Sorry to hear that, my friend.  I am familiar with that feeling all too well.  It's the hardest part of any break-up.  Eventually those unsettling feelings will dissipate and you'll be able to move on easier.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: jonnybaxy on April 07, 2015, 04:57:24 PM
My girlfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago and I've realised that Facebook is just the worst thing ever...

Every time I see her or her name I feel sick to my stomach, had to 'unfriend' her because I'm sick of that feeling every time

Sorry to hear that, my friend.  I am familiar with that feeling all too well.  It's the hardest part of any break-up.  Eventually those unsettling feelings will dissipate and you'll be able to move on easier.

I know, I know,

Its just the first few weeks that are hard  :sad:
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on April 07, 2015, 05:09:04 PM
I empathize.  It's still hard being in this apartment alone, knowing my daughter is living elsewhere. The loneliness factor is amplified when other specifics are also bringing you down.   
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: jonnybaxy on April 07, 2015, 05:16:59 PM
I empathize.  It's still hard being in this apartment alone, knowing my daughter is living elsewhere. The loneliness factor is amplified when other specifics are also bringing you down.

Amen to that, but I'm sure things will soon look up  :smiley:
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: FlyingBIZKIT on April 07, 2015, 05:22:30 PM
I'm not sure if I enjoy being single right now.

Pros:
- More free time for me
-Saving money

Cons:
-Can be boring sometimes
- No intimacy

Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on April 07, 2015, 05:34:45 PM
I empathize.  It's still hard being in this apartment alone, knowing my daughter is living elsewhere. The loneliness factor is amplified when other specifics are also bringing you down.

Amen to that, but I'm sure things will soon look up  :smiley:

Each day seems brighter.  That's all either of us can hope for. 


I'm not sure if I enjoy being single right now.

Pros:
- More free time for me
-Saving money

Cons:
-Can be boring sometimes
- No intimacy



Those are basically my pros and cons, too.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: jonnybaxy on April 07, 2015, 05:35:51 PM
I'm not sure if I enjoy being single right now.

Pros:
- More free time for me
-Saving money

Cons:
-Can be boring sometimes
- No intimacy



Those are basically my pros and cons, too.

This
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Lynxo on April 08, 2015, 03:46:45 AM
My girlfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago and I've realised that Facebook is just the worst thing ever...

Every time I see her or her name I feel sick to my stomach, had to 'unfriend' her because I'm sick of that feeling every time

That's why I unfriended both my exes when we broke up. When you have your heart broken, you need time away from everything that even reminds you off your ex. You'll always have the option to add them again in the future if you want to stay friends.

I'm not sure if I enjoy being single right now.

Pros:
- More free time for me
-Saving money

Cons:
-Can be boring sometimes
- No intimacy
Basically this. Also, I've never played so much video games as I do now. :lol
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on April 08, 2015, 05:55:09 AM
Yea, those Pros and Cons are fairly universal.  Last week I had dinner with my parents and my mom seemed so surprised when I told her I find my wallet a lot heavier since I dumped my x.  I didnt realize how much money I spent on her either though.  The boring and more free time though can be used to explore things you wouldnt have done while in a relationship.  For example, I am very close to planning a week long vacation by myself with all that extra money and time I have for myself.

The girl I met last week had asked me almost every day since then to hang out which was very close to making me not want to see her because I thought she was being too aggressive, well we were talking about the Rangers/Devils game and she ended up coming over to my house to watch it.  Well that turned into more than I expected so now Im seeing her again tonight  :biggrin:  Funny how things work out.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: FlyingBIZKIT on April 08, 2015, 07:06:40 AM
Women: They fuck up your plans. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. :lol
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: kingshmegland on April 08, 2015, 07:16:55 AM
Women: They fuck up your plans. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. :lol

Sometimes? :lol
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Zydar on April 08, 2015, 07:21:07 AM
Women: They fuck up your plans. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. :zydar:
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on April 08, 2015, 07:25:32 AM
Women: They fuck up your plans. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. :lol

I only play 2-3 hours of video games every other week now. I miss it.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Lynxo on April 08, 2015, 07:47:38 AM
Find a womang who plays video games as well! But that can backfire - my ex still has my Assassin's Creed games. >:(
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: FlyingBIZKIT on April 08, 2015, 08:33:26 AM
Women: They fuck up your plans. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. :lol

Sometimes? :lol

Zydar has the right idea :lol

Women: They fuck up your plans. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. :lol

I only play 2-3 hours of video games every other week now. I miss it.

Yeah man, when I was dating I lost time for all that kinda stuff. Even posting on this forum. At one point I thought about calling it quits but you guys are just too awesome to leave.

Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Sacul on April 08, 2015, 04:29:08 PM
At one point I thought about calling it quits but you guys are just too awesome to leave.
:metal
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on April 08, 2015, 04:31:12 PM
You're never alone in your situation.  You always have someone here who has been through it or is going through it.   Coming here is one of the few things that prevents me from losing it on a daily basis. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: JayOctavarium on April 10, 2015, 07:06:05 PM
You're never alone in your situation.  You always have someone here who has been through it or is going through it.   Coming here is one of the few things that prevents me from losing it on a daily basis. 

:hearts:
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on April 10, 2015, 10:30:44 PM
Just don't start humping my leg.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: lonestar on April 10, 2015, 10:34:11 PM
*smacks Jay with rolled up newspaper*




On a side note, I think I'd like to formally announce my long term stewardship of this august group seeing as I think I've finally found a lady who can put up with my bullshit on a regular basis.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on April 10, 2015, 10:38:01 PM
*smacks Jay with rolled up newspaper*




On a side note, I think I'd like to formally announce my long term stewardship of this august group seeing as I think I've finally found a lady who can put up with my bullshit on a regular basis.

She's not one of Blob's 3D creations, is she?   :)
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: lonestar on April 10, 2015, 10:41:19 PM
Nope, has a heartbeat and everything. She's actually incredibly cool, I'm kinda shocked at my good fortune.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on April 10, 2015, 10:47:11 PM
Nope, has a heartbeat and everything. She's actually incredibly cool, I'm kinda shocked at my good fortune.

I'm just messing around.   Seriously though, good for you.  You deserve it, my friend.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Onno on April 11, 2015, 03:47:05 AM
That's great RJ, congrats :)
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on April 11, 2015, 09:50:44 AM
Thats awesome, good for you!

I had one of the most amazing dates last night.  Was my 4th date with the same girl that I only met a week ago, but she came over, we ordered delivery, and watched Gone Girl.  We went to bed to "snuggle" where we ended up having a 4+ hour conversation with no TV on, nothing, just the two of us laying together and letting it all out about very personal things and we just connected on a whole different level.  She is the first girl Ive met since my break up that I could totally see myself seriously dating.  She texted me this morning saying she felt something special here, which I agree with.  I can't even remember just talking to someone until 5am and feeling like it was so natural. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on April 11, 2015, 10:06:38 AM
That's awesome, bro!   Truly awesome.   I love that feeling, when the connection is completely natural. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: jonnybaxy on April 14, 2015, 05:34:03 AM
"I don't want a relationship, I'm too busy, I want to be single for a while"

Then boom, 2 weeks later, starting with a new guy.

FUCK YOU!

2nd girl in a row that has done this to me now.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on April 14, 2015, 05:45:47 AM
*smacks Jay with rolled up newspaper*




On a side note, I think I'd like to formally announce my long term stewardship of this august group seeing as I think I've finally found a lady who can put up with my bullshit on a regular basis.

Pics or it didn't happen.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on April 14, 2015, 07:21:50 AM
"I don't want a relationship, I'm too busy, I want to be single for a while"

Then boom, 2 weeks later, starting with a new guy.

FUCK YOU!

2nd girl in a row that has done this to me now.

Women are worse liars than men are. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on April 14, 2015, 08:28:03 AM
"I don't want a relationship, I'm too busy, I want to be single for a while"

Then boom, 2 weeks later, starting with a new guy.

FUCK YOU!

2nd girl in a row that has done this to me now.

Women are worse liars than men are.

They are just as bad, they are human like men and lie and cheat and do all the same things men are well known for doing.  Sorry that you went through that twice, hopefully it works out next time!
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on April 14, 2015, 08:56:50 AM
"I don't want a relationship, I'm too busy, I want to be single for a while"

Then boom, 2 weeks later, starting with a new guy.

FUCK YOU!

2nd girl in a row that has done this to me now.

Women are worse liars than men are.

They are just as bad, they are human like men and lie and cheat and do all the same things men are well known for doing.  Sorry that you went through that twice, hopefully it works out next time!

The irony is that women tell me that all of the time.  They always tell me that women are much worse than men are.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: MoraWintersoul on April 14, 2015, 10:26:25 AM
"I don't want a relationship, I'm too busy, I want to be single for a while"

Then boom, 2 weeks later, starting with a new guy.

FUCK YOU!

2nd girl in a row that has done this to me now.

Women are worse liars than men are.

They are just as bad, they are human like men and lie and cheat and do all the same things men are well known for doing.  Sorry that you went through that twice, hopefully it works out next time!

The irony is that women tell me that all of the time.  They always tell me that women are much worse than men are.
It's considered "cool" as a woman to hate on women when talking to dudes. It's like, haha, look at these crazy women, I AM SO NOT LIKE THAT, PLX DATE ME. At least that's how it is when the woman in question is under 30, wouldn't be surprised if the mentality persisted afterwards, and for other reasons.

The "I'm not looking for a relationship right now"-line is a classic white lie. It just means she's waiting for someone else to become available or make up their mind or w/e. The problem with all these "polite" white lies is that they actually aren't polite at all, but since there's a staggering number of people who just don't want to tell the truth, it persists. Sorry you had that happen to you, it's a bummer.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: JayOctavarium on April 14, 2015, 10:29:12 AM
So basically women suck.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on April 14, 2015, 10:46:28 AM
"I don't want a relationship, I'm too busy, I want to be single for a while"

Then boom, 2 weeks later, starting with a new guy.

FUCK YOU!

2nd girl in a row that has done this to me now.

Women are worse liars than men are.

They are just as bad, they are human like men and lie and cheat and do all the same things men are well known for doing.  Sorry that you went through that twice, hopefully it works out next time!

The irony is that women tell me that all of the time.  They always tell me that women are much worse than men are.
It's considered "cool" as a woman to hate on women when talking to dudes. It's like, haha, look at these crazy women, I AM SO NOT LIKE THAT, PLX DATE ME. At least that's how it is when the woman in question is under 30, wouldn't be surprised if the mentality persisted afterwards, and for other reasons.

The "I'm not looking for a relationship right now"-line is a classic white lie. It just means she's waiting for someone else to become available or make up their mind or w/e. The problem with all these "polite" white lies is that they actually aren't polite at all, but since there's a staggering number of people who just don't want to tell the truth, it persists. Sorry you had that happen to you, it's a bummer.

This is what I don't understand.  I would appreciate it a lot more for a woman to be honest and tell me "hey sorry I really like this other guy so Im going to leave you for him" vs some lie and you find out the truth anyway.  I dont understand the BS, yes I get it's easier, but do people not care about the way other percieve them?  Id rather be the honest asshole than just the asshole (which is what you are going to come off as regardless if you dump one person for another).
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on April 14, 2015, 11:14:38 AM
The "I'm not looking for a relationship right now"-line is a classic white lie. It just means she's waiting for someone else to become available or make up their mind or w/e. The problem with all these "polite" white lies is that they actually aren't polite at all, but since there's a staggering number of people who just don't want to tell the truth, it persists. Sorry you had that happen to you, it's a bummer.

If I veer into "dick" territory, I apologize in advance, but given what @MoraWinterSoul said (which I agree with), what is the alternative?  "Hey, so and so, you're ok, but I'm waiting for someone better than you."    Mankind has been in existence for, what, couple thousand years now (kidding; it's 100,000's) and don't we know the code at this point?  Are we really expecting people to be totally, brutally, "I-am-going-to-hurt-you" honest?  Especially at the stages of dating we're talking about? 

And this isn't even accounting for the fact that, perhaps, she really WAS being honest and someone came in and completely and utterly rocked her world? 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on April 14, 2015, 01:42:12 PM
The "I'm not looking for a relationship right now"-line is a classic white lie. It just means she's waiting for someone else to become available or make up their mind or w/e. The problem with all these "polite" white lies is that they actually aren't polite at all, but since there's a staggering number of people who just don't want to tell the truth, it persists. Sorry you had that happen to you, it's a bummer.

If I veer into "dick" territory, I apologize in advance, but given what @MoraWinterSoul said (which I agree with), what is the alternative?  "Hey, so and so, you're ok, but I'm waiting for someone better than you."    Mankind has been in existence for, what, couple thousand years now (kidding; it's 100,000's) and don't we know the code at this point?  Are we really expecting people to be totally, brutally, "I-am-going-to-hurt-you" honest?  Especially at the stages of dating we're talking about? 

And this isn't even accounting for the fact that, perhaps, she really WAS being honest and someone came in and completely and utterly rocked her world?

Id rather the honest painful truth and being that Johnny said he was in a relationship (which implies more than just dating) than I think you are past the stage of giving a bs reason to end things.  BUt I get my views are different in this area as we've discussed previously in this thread.  Bottomline, its very difficult to tell someone you dont want to be with them anymore for any reason.  For me, ending my engagement was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life and I felt like I ruined someones life by doing that and I did it with complete honesty so I know it's not easy, but it can be done.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: FlyingBIZKIT on April 14, 2015, 03:11:44 PM
Yeah, I'd rather her be honest with me than just tell me some bullshit.

My past two girlfriends..

First: "I don't think I need to be dating right now, gotta focus on school." - 2 weeks later, dating some dude long distance.  :lol

Second: "I don't think I need to be dating right now, gotta focus on God." - weeks later, she likes another dude, has a picture of her and him as her profile picture on Facebook, and insists that she isn't dating him. Oh, and she is definitely being hypocritical considering some of the stuff she has done recently.

Is it that hard? If I'm gonna lose interest in someone because someone else has caught my eye, I'm going to tell them. Either way it's going to end ugly, but it'll be the right way if you're honest.

I'm certainly tired of committing to people that simply do not give a shit and can't take a relationship seriously. I'm tired of wasting my time, money, effort, and breath on people like those two.

I used to get really upset over these kinds of things, now I'm just kind of tired of them. They don't bother me so much personally, it'd be nice to just have something work out instead of some cop-out taking place.

I oughta just focus on school and then I can meet someone along the way.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on April 14, 2015, 03:55:32 PM
I oughta just focus on school and then I can meet someone along the way.

I think this may be the best, not because I think you cant or wont find someone.  I just think you shouldn't put expectations on yourself to find someone because that will lead to settling for someone that may not be right or having your heart broken.  Like let it be more natural and less forced and when something clicks then you go from there. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: FlyingBIZKIT on April 14, 2015, 04:10:06 PM
It always does work better when it's just natural. I feel like I will try too hard sometimes and I ultimately fail when I do so.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on April 14, 2015, 07:05:48 PM
It always does work better when it's just natural. I feel like I will try too hard sometimes and I ultimately fail when I do so.

We are all guilty of trying too hard.  No matter how many times we tell ourselves to take it easy, we can't help it.  It's a natural desire to want to be with a member of the opposite sex (or same sex if that's what floats your boat). We are humans, but still animals. So just do what makes you happy.  If you feel like seeking someone out, then do it.  If you think it's not working. Take a break, but don't give up completely.  Sometimes nothing happens at all if you just wait. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: jonnybaxy on April 15, 2015, 05:52:47 AM
Girl 1: "I need some time being single"

We try things again and when I start to feel good about it, BOOM, I hear she's playing tonsil hockey with another lad.

I lose my shit and go mental then depressed for around 3 months.


Girl 2: (1.5 years after girl 1, nothing in between) "I've just got too much to do at the moment, I cant handle a relationship on top of that"

My mate caught her with another lad 2/3 weeks after that, Rage again, but act a lot calmer to her and just tell her I could have done better.

Has the world gone crazy, why does nobody just want a stable, long lasting romantic relationship? too many people are heartless bastards with no care about anyone but themselves.

At least alcohol is always there for me.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on April 15, 2015, 05:59:30 AM
It always does work better when it's just natural. I feel like I will try too hard sometimes and I ultimately fail when I do so.

We are all guilty of trying too hard.  No matter how many times we tell ourselves to take it easy, we can't help it.  It's a natural desire to want to be with a member of the opposite sex (or same sex if that's what floats your boat). We are humans, but still animals. So just do what makes you happy.  If you feel like seeking someone out, then do it.  If you think it's not working. Take a break, but don't give up completely.  Sometimes nothing happens at all if you just wait.

I can agree with this, its hard to not want to try and find that someone even if its only for a purely physical relationship, its hard to hold back your animal instincts.

Has the world gone crazy, why does nobody just want a stable, long lasting romantic relationship? too many people are heartless bastards with no care about anyone but themselves.

At least alcohol is always there for me.

I actually think that people are moving away from those long lasting relationships.  It seems there's a shift in our society where marriage is becoming less common and people are jumping from relationship to relationship more often, maybe due to online dating and the fact that communication has never been easier.  Also, alcohol is not the answer!
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on April 15, 2015, 07:16:38 AM
Girl 1: "I need some time being single"

We try things again and when I start to feel good about it, BOOM, I hear she's playing tonsil hockey with another lad.

I lose my shit and go mental then depressed for around 3 months.


Girl 2: (1.5 years after girl 1, nothing in between) "I've just got too much to do at the moment, I cant handle a relationship on top of that"

My mate caught her with another lad 2/3 weeks after that, Rage again, but act a lot calmer to her and just tell her I could have done better.

Has the world gone crazy, why does nobody just want a stable, long lasting romantic relationship? too many people are heartless bastards with no care about anyone but themselves.

At least alcohol is always there for me.

Now I KNOW I'm going to be in dick territory, but you posted it, so I consider it fair game.   I stand by my comment.   100%.  And here's why:

"I lose my shit and go mental then depressed for around 3 months." and "Rage again..." and "At least alcohol is always there for me."

If I was dating someone whose palate of reactions included those, I'D tell you those stories too.  Clearly, you're talking about at least one relationship that was troubled to start with, so she must have known what she could expect.   And I can say this because I was MARRIED to someone who's reactions were along those lines.  At one point, I would say ANYTHING to avoid what I called the "red fog".   Honesty is awesome and all, don't get me wrong (and one of the things I've discussed at length with my therapist was the idea of living a more "authentic" life, which includes this), but to expect honesty, you have to earn it, and to do that you have to do your part to build a garden in which it could survive. 

I don't mean to be harsh, but perhaps so it doesn't happen again a third time, you might consider why she felt like she had to take that route (and no, not because "she was a douche"), and more importantly, what you can do to effect a different outcome.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: jonnybaxy on April 16, 2015, 05:17:36 AM
Them feeling ONLY came AFTER the relationship, I can guarantee that during it I was no less than courteous at ALL times, never said a bad word to either of them, which is mainly why I get annoyed when this happens for no reason as far as I can see
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on April 16, 2015, 06:33:25 AM
Them feeling ONLY came AFTER the relationship, I can guarantee that during it I was no less than courteous at ALL times, never said a bad word to either of them, which is mainly why I get annoyed when this happens for no reason as far as I can see

Fair enough.   I wish you well the next time.   Got to get back on the horse!
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Lynxo on April 16, 2015, 07:21:35 AM
Ok, so I fell into the net dating trap - I met a girl who was NOTHING like what I thought. She looked nothing like her pics, she was WAY more arrogant and self-centered in person, etc. She talked a great deal about her family which she hated, her exes which she also hated and her exes families which she hates most of all. :lol

Oh, well, better luck next time. :)
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on April 16, 2015, 07:24:03 AM
So the new girl I started dating two weeks ago seems to be the best one I've met.  We connect on so many levels and I feel like she can actually relate to me and my experiences since she has a very similar background.  Anyway, In the two weeks since we first met, we have hung out another 4 times and the other night we were discussing spending Saturday in PA and I mentioned that I went to Penn State and they have their big spring football game this weekend and she practically begged me to go and so now we are spending the entire weekend together and doing a road trip.  We also both confessed to each other that there is more here than just a hook up so I'm really happy with how this is going. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on April 16, 2015, 07:48:10 AM
So the new girl I started dating two weeks ago seems to be the best one I've met.  We connect on so many levels and I feel like she can actually relate to me and my experiences since she has a very similar background.  Anyway, In the two weeks since we first met, we have hung out another 4 times and the other night we were discussing spending Saturday in PA and I mentioned that I went to Penn State and they have their big spring football game this weekend and she practically begged me to go and so now we are spending the entire weekend together and doing a road trip.  We also both confessed to each other that there is more here than just a hook up so I'm really happy with how this is going.

You going to give her the philly in Philly?
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Dr. DTVT on April 17, 2015, 08:33:33 AM
So the new girl I started dating two weeks ago seems to be the best one I've met.  We connect on so many levels and I feel like she can actually relate to me and my experiences since she has a very similar background.  Anyway, In the two weeks since we first met, we have hung out another 4 times and the other night we were discussing spending Saturday in PA and I mentioned that I went to Penn State and they have their big spring football game this weekend and she practically begged me to go and so now we are spending the entire weekend together and doing a road trip.  We also both confessed to each other that there is more here than just a hook up so I'm really happy with how this is going.

You going to give her the philly in Philly?

At least let her sample your cream cheese.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: FlyingBIZKIT on April 28, 2015, 03:58:48 PM
I went to go see my ex girlfriend last night. Even after what she did, I guess I'm too nice. I said horrible and deserving things to her just last week, but I guess I can't hate someone , no matter who it is. I thought the time we spent together was great and I saw a lot of potential in us. I don't really want to throw it away. But last night went well. We drove to the dam and just walked around for a while. I told her let's take it slow and just hang out, then we will see where it goes. I told her we are only going to be together if we stay 100% committed. I don't want to bother with her if she's going to go off and do something again. She agreed and showed deep regret from last time, so maybe there's a chance.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: kingshmegland on April 28, 2015, 04:57:30 PM
You're too young to deal with a relationship that's not built on trust.  Once a person breaks the trust, they'll break it again.  I'd move on so you can get rid of these lingering feelings.  Not worth it.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: FlyingBIZKIT on April 28, 2015, 06:22:32 PM
Yeah, I completely understand.

However, at the same time, I'd like to at least give it another shot. At the very worst, she'll do it again, but at least I wouldn't be very surprised, then I can move on.

It would be different if she was my primary focus. Hell, I'm excited about school already, and I just finished the semester. So working on the path to my career excites me. If things don't work out with her, whatever, I have great things to look forward to. If they do work out, well hey, that's an awesome bonus.  :tup
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on April 28, 2015, 07:47:49 PM
Things are so complicated. My wife has moved on with her new man so there is no hope of putting my family back together. The girl I left her for, and who I felt was my soul mate, isn't sure what she wants anymore...even though she is supposedly carrying my child. She hasn't answered my texts for days now. She has me blocked on Facebook. Nobody likes her though, for obvious reasons. So even if things were to work between she and I, she would never been accepted. My mother has already referred to her as the putana. So if I give up on her, i'll have two kids out there, each from a different mother, none of which who live with me. So how does that make me a dating prospect for someone else.

I started talking to these two amazing women last night. One of them having taken a strong liking of me. So, the chances of she and I meeting are pretty strong. I can't see anything stopping us from hitting it off...except me.  This seems to happen a lot in the past month.  I start talking to someone and just as we start getting a bit closer, I close up and back off. I don't know if it's a defense mechanism or something telling me I'm not ready or something telling me I should try harder for the other girl because it is with her that I belong and that I just need to have more patience. I'm tired of waiting though. I have put up with a lot from her.  If I began to tell you some of the things she has done, you would fervently question as to why I'm still pining for her.  It's obvious to me why or maybe I'm delusional. 

Anyway, this is my predicament. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on April 29, 2015, 07:49:15 AM
Well add me to the list of guys getting burned

The girl I had been seeing for the past few weeks seems to not be working out now.  I really liked her, she was the first girl I've met since I broke up with my x that I felt I connected with.  We had so much in common, it was actually scarey how much we had in common.  We had sooo much fun when we were together and we even did a weekend road trip together.  All was really fun and we both confessed that we "liked" each other and thought there was something here.  Well Monday night we hung out, I thought we had a lot of fun and a normal night togehter, but something was off with our sex (or lack of sex that evening) and she siad something was weird.  She brought up my x who she admitted she found on facebook and said my x was better looking than she is (which is true, but really had no meaning to me... I didn't like this girl for her looks, but for everything else she was) and she said it was bothering her.  I tried to say the right things and I thought it was going to be ok, but yesterday we had our first real road block.  We both actually seemingly came out of it good and felt like we settled on the idea that we both liked each other, wanted to continue, thought this could lead to a legit relationship, and that we would both take things slow because the road block was that it seemed like things were going too fast, like we went from never meeting to hanging out every other day in the matter of 3 weeks.  We had also started having unprotected sex and both said we would not see other people.  Well, she ended up canceling plans for Tuesday night which I said was fine cause I had a headache, plus I was really tired.  So last ngiht I get a picture of a steak dinner and a message "look at what I am doing when Im not with you" which I was like, ok cool enjoy your evening.  But then she never responded to me the rest of the night.  I got a text at 1am "sorry, my phone died.  My sister and I went out for a few drinks after dinner and then went to the gym".  I find that excuse unbelievable, who goes out for a steak dinner, drinks, then to the gym until 1am?  And she also said she stopped home to charge her phone, she didnt think once the phone was on the charger to turn it on and text me back?  I called her out on it this morning and am waiting for a response, I didn't call her a lier, just said something felt off from my point of view and asked if there was a reason why I would feel that way.  I totally could be going crazy here and letting my emotions get in my way, Im just really upset about how I felt so good and how so quickly I can feel like complete shit.  Maybe she was telling the truth, who knows?
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on April 29, 2015, 09:27:51 AM
Sucks man. Girl is crazy. Run away now.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: FlyingBIZKIT on April 29, 2015, 10:00:18 AM
Prog Snob, I'm really sorry man. I don't know what any of that feels like. I wish I had something to say, honestly. Just keep your head up the best you can, good things will come eventually.

cramx3, that sounds a bit weird to me. Maybe she's telling the truth, maybe she's not.


I feel like everyone could use this advice though, and it may not be much, but:  When it comes to relationships, just go with your gut. If something feels off about something, don't go for it. The only reason I'm talking to my ex again is because I feel like there could still be something there.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on April 29, 2015, 10:12:06 AM
Yea so her response is she was telling the truth and now Im the bad guy.  I think I need to take that advice though, my gut all night last night and this morning was saying something is wrong here.  Maybe its in my head and I think theres a good chance it is in my head, but the problem is that I really like this girl.  She has so much to offer and I really don't want to lose her because I happen to find her truthful story unbelievable.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: FlyingBIZKIT on April 29, 2015, 10:23:19 AM
Well, would it hurt just to keep it going and see what happens? Just don't let your guard down for a bit until you know you can trust her.

And yes, the constant battle between your heart and brain. It's a tough one.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: kingshmegland on April 29, 2015, 10:32:19 AM
Early on in a relationship it's an easy call.  Call it off.  Not worth the struggle.  When you don't trust someone in a long relationship, that's the tough one to call.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: jonnybaxy on April 30, 2015, 06:19:18 AM
The only reason I'm talking to my ex again is because I feel like there could still be something there.

Yep, I'm doing the exact same, after my recent girl, I've nothing to lose. plus I feel I missed this ex whilst I was with the last girl.

I recently started speaking to her and a week or 2 later she split up with her boyfriend, so perhaps she feels the same way.

By the way this is the girl that messed my head up 1.5 years ago I wrote about in a previous post.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on April 30, 2015, 07:27:29 AM
Prog Snob, I'm really sorry man. I don't know what any of that feels like. I wish I had something to say, honestly. Just keep your head up the best you can, good things will come eventually.

Every day is an adventure. I should be writing stories about this.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on April 30, 2015, 01:22:13 PM
Yea so her response is she was telling the truth and now Im the bad guy.  I think I need to take that advice though, my gut all night last night and this morning was saying something is wrong here.  Maybe its in my head and I think theres a good chance it is in my head, but the problem is that I really like this girl.  She has so much to offer and I really don't want to lose her because I happen to find her truthful story unbelievable.

Yeah, but there's "gut" and there's "gut".   You have to be honest with yourself; if you're a jealous person or paranoid person and you feel like she's cheating on you, that's not your gut.  That's your insecurities. It's sometimes hard to tell (and I know for me, I try not to use one data point, unless we're talking something egregious). 

Honestly, and please take this in the spirit intended, there is nothing in your story that screams "ISSUE!" except that she didn't respond in your timeframe.   I've actually been on the other side of your situation, and even if you say "looks don't matter" and she says "I'm good with that", insecurities - especially deep ones - don't disappear with one "Cool, bro!".  And actually, if you want to read things into it, I say you might want to cool your jets and let it go with the flow.  We KNOW she's insecure with her looks, we KNOW she indicated she wants to pursue things with you, we KNOW she texted you a steak dinner...   her then feeling guilty or insecure and going to the gym is by far NOT the nuttiest thing I've ever heard (I had an ex that was really concerned about her weight, and when hammered would do crunches in her bed before passing out).

What's the worst that happens if you give her the benefit of the doubt? Are you going to be any more hurt or pissed off if it happens again?   And at least you'll know it is "gut" and not you. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on April 30, 2015, 02:03:33 PM
Stadler, you are correct on many levels.  We actually had a really long and deep conversation about the situation.  There were other reasons why I thought she had been lying based on previous things she ahd said and whatnot that all added up to a moment where I thought she was messing with me.  There are definitely insecurities involved from both ends, I normally am a bit more trustworthy, but wihtout going into too much details (cause I could write way too much for anyone to care about), I totally felt in the moment that she was lying.  After our discussion, I truly believe she was telling the truth.  We actually opened up and let out a lot of personal information that lead us to come to the conclusion that in the end, essentially we don't yet know each other that well and now that we know a lot more about each other, things make a lot more sense.  My initial outrage was wrong, I apologized to her.  I think given the same scenario I would act the same again, and its just due to two people who only just recently met have had some miscommunication and things got out of hand with emotions.  Bottom line is we both seem to really like each other and we both agreed we would like to continue seeing each other.

In a way, I feel like going through that was very good for us.  It was like the first big confrontation between us and we worked our way through it.  We both agreed to take it slow though from here, things went really fast in this and that leads to my insecurities.  Im very insecure in myself on holding a relationship mostly because of the way my 9 year relationship and engagement ended, it kind of makes me feel like damaged goods in that part of me feels destined to not be in another serious relationship. Hopefully that changed.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on May 01, 2015, 08:16:47 AM
In a way, I feel like going through that was very good for us.  It was like the first big confrontation between us and we worked our way through it.  We both agreed to take it slow though from here, things went really fast in this and that leads to my insecurities.  Im very insecure in myself on holding a relationship mostly because of the way my 9 year relationship and engagement ended, it kind of makes me feel like damaged goods in that part of me feels destined to not be in another serious relationship. Hopefully that changed.

Well the important thing isn't that you had an issue, but how you handled it.  And it seems like you might have crossed a big hurdle by both of you handling it reasonably well. 

Good luck.  I know for me I can be very insecure in relationships too, and it is a constant battle to not bring all my demons into a relationship.  It's important to remember what is sort of the opposite of Chino's post above: no one wants to date my problems. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on May 01, 2015, 09:06:30 AM
In a way, I feel like going through that was very good for us.  It was like the first big confrontation between us and we worked our way through it.  We both agreed to take it slow though from here, things went really fast in this and that leads to my insecurities.  Im very insecure in myself on holding a relationship mostly because of the way my 9 year relationship and engagement ended, it kind of makes me feel like damaged goods in that part of me feels destined to not be in another serious relationship. Hopefully that changed.

Well the important thing isn't that you had an issue, but how you handled it.  And it seems like you might have crossed a big hurdle by both of you handling it reasonably well. 

Good luck.  I know for me I can be very insecure in relationships too, and it is a constant battle to not bring all my demons into a relationship.  It's important to remember what is sort of the opposite of Chino's post above: no one wants to date my problems.

Yup, thats true and goes along with Prog Snob's issue as well.  No one wants to deal with baggage.  In the end, if a relationship is going to work then both parties need to accept each other and whatever baggage they bring with them.  You are right about getting over that hurdle too, it almost felt like a big accomplishment to get out of that still wanting to see each other.  We hung out last night and things were great.  We made plans for Saturday afternoon through the evening so I'm excited. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on May 01, 2015, 09:30:48 AM
So those two "great girls" I was telling you about.  Well, it's down to one now.  One of them came over a couple of nights ago and I guess neither of us felt anything.  There was a weak kiss on the lips as she left and that was all she wrote. Once again proving that no matter how good someone looks, a bad kiss just kills everything.  She was a nice looking Italian girl and I was hoping it would work out.  So now I'm down to the Russian girl whose first name is the same as my daughter's middle name so I'm hoping that's a good sign. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on May 01, 2015, 10:02:14 AM
Dating can sometimes be like survivor... one was just eliminated  :lol
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on May 01, 2015, 10:14:32 AM
 :lol

Except this case, the only left is me.   :\
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on May 04, 2015, 11:48:58 AM
  So now I'm down to the Russian girl whose first name is the same as my daughter's middle name so I'm hoping that's a good sign.

Or creepy as hell.   HAHAHA.   I'm kidding.

I know a guy in college that slept with a girl who had the same name as his mom.   To this day I don't know if he did it because of that, or in spite of that.   
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on May 04, 2015, 11:52:06 AM
And she's out but three new prospects have arisen.  One girl from Staten Island named Laura, a girl from Brooklyn named Georgia who is actually quite intelligent and appeals the the sapiosexual in me, and a girl from New Jersey named Lauren.  I'm hoping for Georgia above all of them because she has a curious mind but the added bonus is that she has a great smile. Always a sucker for one of those.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on May 04, 2015, 12:48:42 PM
I say the Jersey girl cause well NJ > NY  :biggrin:

Spent the day Saturday with my girl in New Hope PA, did a short road trip to visit the old town, have a nice dinner, and then she spent the night at my place where we watched Game of Thrones, had drinks, and then laid in my hammock watching the stars followed by some great one on one time lol.  Had such an amazing time with her again and really glad we got over our miscommunication earlier in the week.  Also stopped at a fireworks store to grab some mortars after crossing the border.  She told me she talked about me with her parents already, I kind of gave her a weird look (I had not talked about her to my parents) and she called me out on whether or not that was weird.  It isnt in reality, but I have not yet met a potential girlfriends parents since I met my x's many many years ago. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: jonnybaxy on May 04, 2015, 04:35:01 PM
I find myself closer and closer and closer to contacting my ex, I know it can only go bad but I can't handle this at all.

Not even just for her but for the sheer loneliness, I don't feel whole at all without a girl  :(
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on May 04, 2015, 05:27:18 PM
I find myself closer and closer and closer to contacting my ex, I know it can only go bad but I can't handle this at all.

Not even just for her but for the sheer loneliness, I don't feel whole at all without a girl  :(

Are you trying to find a girl?  I feel that way when I am alone, but it's motivation to do something about it.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: jonnybaxy on May 04, 2015, 05:28:52 PM
I find myself closer and closer and closer to contacting my ex, I know it can only go bad but I can't handle this at all.

Not even just for her but for the sheer loneliness, I don't feel whole at all without a girl  :(

Are you trying to find a girl?  I feel that way when I am alone, but it's motivation to do something about it.

Yeah, But I simply don't know how to do it at all
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on May 04, 2015, 05:40:27 PM
Not sure how they do things in England, but I've found online dating sites help with meeting women.  Im not very good at approaching a woman at a bar or any other occasion really so chatting with someone online is much easier.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: jonnybaxy on May 04, 2015, 05:43:08 PM
Not sure how they do things in England, but I've found online dating sites help with meeting women.  Im not very good at approaching a woman at a bar or any other occasion really so chatting with someone online is much easier.

Problem being, I'm 19, I highly doubt anyone will be near my age, but I may give it a shot, I find it a bit awkward though
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on May 05, 2015, 05:17:43 AM
I say the Jersey girl cause well NJ > NY  :biggrin:



The Jersey girl is really cool. She's into a lot of the same things as me. Such as exploring, abandoned places, haunted places, old movies, etc.  The Staten Island girl is a sweetheart and also an admitted sapiophile which definitely appeals to me.  The Brooklyn girl is a curious mind with a killer smile.  We'll see what happens by the end of this week.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on May 05, 2015, 10:37:19 AM
I say the Jersey girl cause well NJ > NY  :biggrin:



The Jersey girl is really cool. She's into a lot of the same things as me. Such as exploring, abandoned places, haunted places, old movies, etc.  The Staten Island girl is a sweetheart and also an admitted sapiophile which definitely appeals to me.  The Brooklyn girl is a curious mind with a killer smile.  We'll see what happens by the end of this week.

I was at a conference last week, and one of the speakers was a woman who was moderately attractive, albeit rather plain, until she started to speak.   Her intelligence positively radiated from her during her talk and it was like watching a flower bloom (I don't know how else to put it).   By the end of her talk she seemed like ten times hotter than when she started.  I don't think that's ever happened to me before (usually it is the other way around). 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: FlyingBIZKIT on May 05, 2015, 11:24:08 AM
Not sure how they do things in England, but I've found online dating sites help with meeting women.  Im not very good at approaching a woman at a bar or any other occasion really so chatting with someone online is much easier.

Problem being, I'm 19, I highly doubt anyone will be near my age, but I may give it a shot, I find it a bit awkward though

Hey, you and I are the same age. What is your biggest goal in life right now?
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on May 05, 2015, 11:55:52 AM
Not sure how they do things in England, but I've found online dating sites help with meeting women.  Im not very good at approaching a woman at a bar or any other occasion really so chatting with someone online is much easier.

Problem being, I'm 19, I highly doubt anyone will be near my age, but I may give it a shot, I find it a bit awkward though

Hey, you and I are the same age. What is your biggest goal in life right now?

You guys trying to date each other?  Thats the type of question to spark a conversation with a potential online match.

I say the Jersey girl cause well NJ > NY  :biggrin:



The Jersey girl is really cool. She's into a lot of the same things as me. Such as exploring, abandoned places, haunted places, old movies, etc.  The Staten Island girl is a sweetheart and also an admitted sapiophile which definitely appeals to me.  The Brooklyn girl is a curious mind with a killer smile.  We'll see what happens by the end of this week.

I was at a conference last week, and one of the speakers was a woman who was moderately attractive, albeit rather plain, until she started to speak.   Her intelligence positively radiated from her during her talk and it was like watching a flower bloom (I don't know how else to put it).   By the end of her talk she seemed like ten times hotter than when she started.  I don't think that's ever happened to me before (usually it is the other way around). 

I can totally be like that, smarts are a total turn on for me.  But I have no figured out if its the smartness itself or the fact that the person isn't dumb because stupidity is a big turn off.  One of the big reasons why I like the girl I am currently seeing, she is smart and has achieved a lot career wise and personally which I find very attractive especially for her age.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: FlyingBIZKIT on May 05, 2015, 11:57:28 AM
 :lol

I'm just trying to see his side of things. Maybe I can help out since we are both at the same stages in life
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on May 05, 2015, 07:46:51 PM

The Jersey girl is really cool. She's into a lot of the same things as me. Such as exploring, abandoned places, haunted places, old movies, etc.  The Staten Island girl is a sweetheart and also an admitted sapiophile which definitely appeals to me.  The Brooklyn girl is a curious mind with a killer smile.  We'll see what happens by the end of this week.

I was at a conference last week, and one of the speakers was a woman who was moderately attractive, albeit rather plain, until she started to speak.   Her intelligence positively radiated from her during her talk and it was like watching a flower bloom (I don't know how else to put it).   By the end of her talk she seemed like ten times hotter than when she started.  I don't think that's ever happened to me before (usually it is the other way around). 
[/quote]

I can totally be like that, smarts are a total turn on for me.  But I have no figured out if its the smartness itself or the fact that the person isn't dumb because stupidity is a big turn off.  One of the big reasons why I like the girl I am currently seeing, she is smart and has achieved a lot career wise and personally which I find very attractive especially for her age.
[/quote]


I think it's a bit of both.  You're excited that she isn't some ditz but even more excited that she can convincingly carry herself in a conversation.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Phoenix87x on May 05, 2015, 08:24:24 PM
Smart's definitely a turn on, but not too smart. A strait up ditz is an immediate deal breaker as I don't really like explaining myself as I'm having a conversation. I prefer it to be a back and forth, not me saying something, looking a deer in the headlights and then having to explain everything I just said.

At the same time. I would rather die then have a girl that was 5 steps ahead of me. Or a girl that would try and talk down to me. That would end in an instant.

I got lucky though and got a girl who is a nice balance. She gets better grades than me on tests, runs circles around me in lab, picks up new tasks way faster than I do, but on the flip side she can't make life decisions to save her life. (which can be extremely annoying, since she makes messes for herself and the complains about the very mess that she made), but That's my strength and usually I'm able to logically come up with a simple solution to her "major problems", so ultimately its a nice balance.

But on a side note, after being completely alone and pretty miserable for 25 years and now being on the other side, standing on that "greener" grass that I always dreamed about, I will say that a relationship can be a wild slip and slide. There's both ups and downs and untimely I'm much happier, but these things take a lot of work to be successful.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on May 06, 2015, 06:54:39 AM
While the girl I am currently seeing is smart, she has a really terrible memory and its becoming something that I am really disliking.  She constantly misremembers things and thinks she tells me things that she hasn't and then gets a bit angry when I have no idea what she is talking about.  Its becoming very common to the point that I am even writing this out.  It actually baffles me how someone could misremember so much yet still be smart and capable of succeeding in life.  On the other hand, I have a very solid memory.  I can usually recall lots of the finer details of our conversations and often stop her when she's telling me something because I can finish the sentence having heard it before.  It's not bad enough to outweigh her positives, but I do wonder how I will deal with it long term because it does get frustrating.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: jonnybaxy on May 06, 2015, 06:59:45 AM
Not sure how they do things in England, but I've found online dating sites help with meeting women.  Im not very good at approaching a woman at a bar or any other occasion really so chatting with someone online is much easier.

Problem being, I'm 19, I highly doubt anyone will be near my age, but I may give it a shot, I find it a bit awkward though

Hey, you and I are the same age. What is your biggest goal in life right now?


If I'm honest I don't really have a goal, I just want someone with me if you understand, I can't stand being single, or it feels like theres a hole in my life
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Phoenix87x on May 06, 2015, 07:08:07 AM
While the girl I am currently seeing is smart, she has a really terrible memory and its becoming something that I am really disliking.  She constantly misremembers things and thinks she tells me things that she hasn't and then gets a bit angry when I have no idea what she is talking about.  Its becoming very common to the point that I am even writing this out.  It actually baffles me how someone could misremember so much yet still be smart and capable of succeeding in life.  On the other hand, I have a very solid memory.  I can usually recall lots of the finer details of our conversations and often stop her when she's telling me something because I can finish the sentence having heard it before.  It's not bad enough to outweigh her positives, but I do wonder how I will deal with it long term because it does get frustrating.

Mine does the same thing.

I am now hearing things I've heard multiple times and like you said, I can finish what she says word for word. I have a good handle over when I'm repeating myself and I might say something like "I believe I said this before" or try and re-word it or tell it a different way, but when certain topics come up, she will literally go into auto pilot or like a trance

Literally same exact story, same exact words, same exact emotions and inflections. She would get herself all worked up all over again and its like groundhogs day. It used to really bug me, to the point where I actually told her she is repeating herself, but at this point I just let her finish and move on. The pros outweigh the cons.

She makes me happy about 90% of the time and miserable 10% of the time. So I'm totally down with that. Without her, I was miserable 90% percent of the time.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on May 06, 2015, 07:13:29 AM
While the girl I am currently seeing is smart, she has a really terrible memory and its becoming something that I am really disliking.  She constantly misremembers things and thinks she tells me things that she hasn't and then gets a bit angry when I have no idea what she is talking about.  Its becoming very common to the point that I am even writing this out.  It actually baffles me how someone could misremember so much yet still be smart and capable of succeeding in life.  On the other hand, I have a very solid memory.  I can usually recall lots of the finer details of our conversations and often stop her when she's telling me something because I can finish the sentence having heard it before.  It's not bad enough to outweigh her positives, but I do wonder how I will deal with it long term because it does get frustrating.

Mine does the same thing.

I am now hearing things I've heard multiple times and like you said, I can finish what she says word for word. I have a good handle over when I'm repeating myself and I might say something like "I believe I said this before" or try and re-word it or tell it a different way, but when certain topics come up, she will literally go into auto pilot or like a trance

Literally same exact story, same exact words, same exact emotions and inflections. She would get herself all worked up all over again and its like groundhogs day. It used to really bug me, to the point where I actually told her she is repeating herself, but at this point I just let her finish and move on. The pros outweigh the cons.

One of my best friends is also like that, you learn to just deal with it and move on.  I just find it more frustrating with this girl because I only met her a little over a month ago now and to at this point be hearing a lot of the smae things is somewhat alarming.  That isn't really what bothers me though, its more of the things she thinks she tells me but doesn't and then gets noticeable angry or annoyed that I have to tell her she never told me that which leads to a moment of awkwardness because we disagree about something and when it comes to memory, people get very defensive about what they remember (or don't).  It's happened enough that I've questioned my own memory (like maybe she really did tell me that?) but considering I can recall so much more than she can from other conversations I am very sure that it is in fact her with the poor memory.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on May 06, 2015, 07:48:46 AM
While the girl I am currently seeing is smart, she has a really terrible memory and its becoming something that I am really disliking.  She constantly misremembers things and thinks she tells me things that she hasn't and then gets a bit angry when I have no idea what she is talking about.  Its becoming very common to the point that I am even writing this out.  It actually baffles me how someone could misremember so much yet still be smart and capable of succeeding in life.  On the other hand, I have a very solid memory.  I can usually recall lots of the finer details of our conversations and often stop her when she's telling me something because I can finish the sentence having heard it before.  It's not bad enough to outweigh her positives, but I do wonder how I will deal with it long term because it does get frustrating.

Mine does the same thing.

I am now hearing things I've heard multiple times and like you said, I can finish what she says word for word. I have a good handle over when I'm repeating myself and I might say something like "I believe I said this before" or try and re-word it or tell it a different way, but when certain topics come up, she will literally go into auto pilot or like a trance

Literally same exact story, same exact words, same exact emotions and inflections. She would get herself all worked up all over again and its like groundhogs day. It used to really bug me, to the point where I actually told her she is repeating herself, but at this point I just let her finish and move on. The pros outweigh the cons.

One of my best friends is also like that, you learn to just deal with it and move on.  I just find it more frustrating with this girl because I only met her a little over a month ago now and to at this point be hearing a lot of the smae things is somewhat alarming.  That isn't really what bothers me though, its more of the things she thinks she tells me but doesn't and then gets noticeable angry or annoyed that I have to tell her she never told me that which leads to a moment of awkwardness because we disagree about something and when it comes to memory, people get very defensive about what they remember (or don't).  It's happened enough that I've questioned my own memory (like maybe she really did tell me that?) but considering I can recall so much more than she can from other conversations I am very sure that it is in fact her with the poor memory.

You can look at the glass half empty, or the glass half full.   My ex-wife was like that, and it got to the point that she started making notes because I didn't hesitate to say "you didn't tell me that" and had previous experiences to back it up.  Plus my memory is excellent (she watched me look at a car VIN number at a dealer lot, and type it in verbatim when we got home to check the CarFAX).  She knew after a while not to argue memory with me, and while I didn't abuse that, there were one or two times I used that to slip out of sticky situations.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on May 06, 2015, 07:58:01 AM
Yea agreed, but that requires your ex to understand and admit that her memory is not as good.  My x would never admit that and it caused a lot of arguments because of the same situation I was describing.  This new girl is showing traits of that, but so far not as bad but she is also new so maybe she is taming down how she really feels, but I can clearly sense some sort of anger or frustration from her when this scenario occurs.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on May 06, 2015, 12:19:09 PM
Be patient with the memory issue. She doesn't do it intentionally and some people just have genuine memory issues. It happens to me a lot.  My short term memory has become horrible. It's usually due to stress and anxiety so don't write her off just yet. She gets angry and defensive because she seriously thinks she already told you something but doesn't realize that maybe she only thought about telling you and that's what she is remembering.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on May 06, 2015, 12:23:04 PM
Be patient with the memory issue. She doesn't do it intentionally and some people just have genuine memory issues. It happens to me a lot.  My short term memory has become horrible. It's usually due to stress and anxiety so don't write her off just yet. She gets angry and defensive because she seriously thinks she already told you something but doesn't realize that maybe she only thought about telling you and that's what she is remembering.

Yea, she is not being written off so easily, just a frustration on my part and I totally get why she gets defensive about it.  I would too.  However, if it gets worse and she doesn't get better at understanding it then it could turn into an issue.  I do think this complaint of mine is a bit nitpicking, but I think some of the small things like this are important in a relationship where its crucial to understand each other and their faults and how you work together.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on May 06, 2015, 12:27:20 PM
Be patient with the memory issue. She doesn't do it intentionally and some people just have genuine memory issues. It happens to me a lot.  My short term memory has become horrible. It's usually due to stress and anxiety so don't write her off just yet. She gets angry and defensive because she seriously thinks she already told you something but doesn't realize that maybe she only thought about telling you and that's what she is remembering.

Yea, she is not being written off so easily, just a frustration on my part and I totally get why she gets defensive about it.  I would too.  However, if it gets worse and she doesn't get better at understanding it then it could turn into an issue.  I do think this complaint of mine is a bit nitpicking, but I think some of the small things like this are important in a relationship where its crucial to understand each other and their faults and how you work together.

It could be something she is in denial about. Is she a naturally anxious or stressed out person?  That could be part of the issue, too. It clouds our minds more than one realizes.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on May 06, 2015, 12:48:50 PM
Be patient with the memory issue. She doesn't do it intentionally and some people just have genuine memory issues. It happens to me a lot.  My short term memory has become horrible. It's usually due to stress and anxiety so don't write her off just yet. She gets angry and defensive because she seriously thinks she already told you something but doesn't realize that maybe she only thought about telling you and that's what she is remembering.

Yea, she is not being written off so easily, just a frustration on my part and I totally get why she gets defensive about it.  I would too.  However, if it gets worse and she doesn't get better at understanding it then it could turn into an issue.  I do think this complaint of mine is a bit nitpicking, but I think some of the small things like this are important in a relationship where its crucial to understand each other and their faults and how you work together.

It could be something she is in denial about. Is she a naturally anxious or stressed out person?  That could be part of the issue, too. It clouds our minds more than one realizes.

Im still getting to know her, but I think at this point I can say she is anxious and has ADD.  It's very possibly her mind is clouded and whatnot, it doesn't totally matter to me why she forgets or misremembers, just as long as it doesnt effect our relationship.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on May 07, 2015, 04:57:32 AM
At least she has a legitimate reason and isn't just not paying attention to the conversations.  When the time is right, bring it up in as a sincere way as possible.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on May 07, 2015, 05:57:11 AM
Yea, well its not a big enough thing to actually bring up a serious conversation about it.  I did however last weekend joke about it which she took well and laughed and actually agreed.  I'm seeing her tonight, she wants to order chinese food and watch game of thrones in my man cave followed by hopefully (assuming the weather holds as it is this morning) some stargazing on my hammock.  Can't complain about those plans  :biggrin:
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on May 08, 2015, 04:59:51 AM
Those sound like beautiful plans.

So the NJ girl deleted her account and the girl with the killer smile has stopped responding. So I was down to 1 again, but then a woman I had started speaking to a while ago just messaged me a little while ago. She wants to meet for coffee Thursday. The only problem is that she lives in Manhattan and it's quite the haul for me if I am home at the time. When I'm going after work it's just a quick subway ride.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on May 08, 2015, 06:01:56 AM
Yea, go into Manhattan just for coffee?  Sounds like a lot of effort IMO. Sorry the other ones didn't work out. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on May 08, 2015, 06:33:39 AM
It's not so easy.  I am talking to this other girl named Val, but she works 18 hours a day, 6 days a week and isn't available to meet until June.  I have discounted her because someone with that kind of schedule cannot make for a good relationship.  She's cool though, a bit of a weirdo like me.  But she doesn't rush into dating and sometimes takes months before anything romantic is considered.  Ugh
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on May 08, 2015, 07:37:59 AM
Yea... that would be a big turn off to me.  Im fine without rushing, especially if you like the girl, but 18 hour work days 6 days a week just seem like that could never work.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on May 08, 2015, 08:49:22 AM
You guys do what you want to do, because everyone is different, and everyone has their walkaway points... but for me - and I recognize it is just for me - probably my worst relationship (my marriage) was the one that looked best on paper (things in common, lived close by, etc. etc.).    The best - the one I'm in now (and no, I'm not Gene Simmons telling everyone the latest album is "the best one we've ever done") - was sort of a leap.  Little farther away than I would have liked, three kids including a young son with special needs, lunatic ex-husband who lives literally around the corner. country music fan versus a NWOBHM fan... and yet we gave it a shot and we couldn't be happier.  The areas where we HAVE to be good (communication, patience, understanding) we're GREAT.  I don't carry grudges, she doesn't make mountains out of molehills, and we're both in it for the long haul. 

Point of the story, you can't win if you don't play.  Ruling out women because of things that aren't inherently character flaws and are most likely temporary (how long can someone work 6 18's a week?) sounds to me like stepping over a dollar to pick up a penny. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on May 08, 2015, 09:37:40 AM
Well compatability is more about choice and opinion on what works for you. 

Point of the story, you can't win if you don't play.

This is the truth, which was what I try to convey to the people who say they are lonely and want a partner, well you need to play the game to be able to win.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: kingshmegland on May 08, 2015, 11:51:35 AM
My wife and I have been married over 20 years.  We had a few similar likes but we each had our individuality.  It was the focus on each other that made our relationship better.  Over time, she grew to love my likes(Sports, beer, westerns, Sci-Fi) and I learned about her passions (gardening) and help her with that as well as talk to her about her gardens.


You don't have to have the same interests in everything to make it work.  You have to put in the time.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on May 09, 2015, 02:19:52 PM
Some good news finally.  That girl Georgia emailed me back and I just went for broke and said that we should talk on the phone. It would be easier to get to know one another that way. So we just got off the phone after chatting for an hour.  She said she wants to meet later on so now my nerves are going all crazy on me. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Lynxo on May 11, 2015, 01:42:44 AM
You guys do what you want to do, because everyone is different, and everyone has their walkaway points... but for me - and I recognize it is just for me - probably my worst relationship (my marriage) was the one that looked best on paper (things in common, lived close by, etc. etc.).    The best - the one I'm in now (and no, I'm not Gene Simmons telling everyone the latest album is "the best one we've ever done") - was sort of a leap.  Little farther away than I would have liked, three kids including a young son with special needs, lunatic ex-husband who lives literally around the corner. country music fan versus a NWOBHM fan... and yet we gave it a shot and we couldn't be happier.  The areas where we HAVE to be good (communication, patience, understanding) we're GREAT.  I don't carry grudges, she doesn't make mountains out of molehills, and we're both in it for the long haul. 

Point of the story, you can't win if you don't play.  Ruling out women because of things that aren't inherently character flaws and are most likely temporary (how long can someone work 6 18's a week?) sounds to me like stepping over a dollar to pick up a penny.
Great, great post. Agreed with every single word.  :tup

Oh, except for:
...(and no, I'm not Gene Simmons telling everyone the latest album is "the best one we've ever done")...
Your avatar says otherwise.  :yeahright

Some good news finally.  That girl Georgia emailed me back and I just went for broke and said that we should talk on the phone. It would be easier to get to know one another that way. So we just got off the phone after chatting for an hour.  She said she wants to meet later on so now my nerves are going all crazy on me.
Good luck!  :)
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on May 11, 2015, 08:44:42 AM
Well, we didn't wind up going out because her mother stopped by to see her so we agreed we'd talk again and make plans to get together. The good news is that she wants to get out of Brooklyn and moved to somewhere more suburban like Staten Island. She has family that lives near me so that would knock out the distance issue.  I'm remaining hopeful with this one. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: FlyingBIZKIT on May 13, 2015, 08:59:00 AM
Not sure how they do things in England, but I've found online dating sites help with meeting women.  Im not very good at approaching a woman at a bar or any other occasion really so chatting with someone online is much easier.

Problem being, I'm 19, I highly doubt anyone will be near my age, but I may give it a shot, I find it a bit awkward though

Hey, you and I are the same age. What is your biggest goal in life right now?


If I'm honest I don't really have a goal, I just want someone with me if you understand, I can't stand being single, or it feels like theres a hole in my life

Hey, sorry for the late reply. Well everyone is different, but I always feel like you have to first make yourself happy before someone else can make you happy. I know that can be hard, but the best thing to do in the meantime is set goals for yourself. What do you want to do in life? I'm not sure if you're in school or working, but figure out something you want to do, and do it. Also, finding new hobbies is a great way of finding happiness. I just purchased a camera the other day because I'm going to start taking up photography. It's something completely new to me that I never really thought about doing until recently. When you find new hobbies and set goals for yourself, it can really change the way you look at things. I don't want you feeling like the only way to be happy is if you have a companion. I felt like that at one point but it's unhealthy. Plus, we are too young to be stressing so much over relationships. I've had 2 bad break ups, but I'm here today and I remain positive and motivated for whatever comes next.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on May 13, 2015, 09:32:51 AM
I think woman find men with goals more attractive too.  I agree with Bizkit, got to make yourself happy before someone else can make you happy and yea you guys are both too young to be worried about needing to find a girl.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on May 13, 2015, 11:55:44 AM
I think woman find men with goals more attractive too.  I agree with Bizkit, got to make yourself happy before someone else can make you happy and yea you guys are both too young to be worried about needing to find a girl.

I'd go a step further for those that aren't "happy"; what I find helpful is to look at it in terms of attitude.  I'm generally a happy guy, but not always (and especially around the time of my divorce).  Sometimes it's enough to just remember that "no one wants to date your issues".  Not saying "hide things" or be "deceitful", but handle them in a way that is palatable.  ALL people have issues, but some of us LIVE our issues.   
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on May 18, 2015, 05:23:22 AM
Life is so confusing. Now the girl who is supposedly pregnant with my child wants to move in with me. So we spent most of the weekend together.  She is one I was really hoping it would work with. We struggle a bit but when we're together and everything is working it's perfect chemistry.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: jonnybaxy on May 18, 2015, 05:36:39 AM
Not sure how they do things in England, but I've found online dating sites help with meeting women.  Im not very good at approaching a woman at a bar or any other occasion really so chatting with someone online is much easier.

Problem being, I'm 19, I highly doubt anyone will be near my age, but I may give it a shot, I find it a bit awkward though

Hey, you and I are the same age. What is your biggest goal in life right now?


If I'm honest I don't really have a goal, I just want someone with me if you understand, I can't stand being single, or it feels like theres a hole in my life

Hey, sorry for the late reply. Well everyone is different, but I always feel like you have to first make yourself happy before someone else can make you happy. I know that can be hard, but the best thing to do in the meantime is set goals for yourself. What do you want to do in life? I'm not sure if you're in school or working, but figure out something you want to do, and do it. Also, finding new hobbies is a great way of finding happiness. I just purchased a camera the other day because I'm going to start taking up photography. It's something completely new to me that I never really thought about doing until recently. When you find new hobbies and set goals for yourself, it can really change the way you look at things. I don't want you feeling like the only way to be happy is if you have a companion. I felt like that at one point but it's unhealthy. Plus, we are too young to be stressing so much over relationships. I've had 2 bad break ups, but I'm here today and I remain positive and motivated for whatever comes next.

I'm fairly happy in all aspects of life except this one, I'm in a decent paying (for my age) job, my spare time is spent with friends or playing in one of my 2 bands, My home life could be improved but no major problems.

I think woman find men with goals more attractive too.  I agree with Bizkit, got to make yourself happy before someone else can make you happy and yea you guys are both too young to be worried about needing to find a girl.

I've had this conversation on here before, about being young and what not, why can't people get their heads around a 19 year old wanting a long term settling down relationship? I really don't want to go round woman to woman every week, that's just not who I am.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on May 18, 2015, 06:44:52 AM
Nothing wrong with wanting to find a partner for life, my point was I don't see why you "need" to find someone as if like time is running out or something. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: jonnybaxy on May 18, 2015, 06:50:53 AM
Nothing wrong with wanting to find a partner for life, my point was I don't see why you "need" to find someone as if like time is running out or something.

I don't really know either, It's just the way I am, I don't feel like myself if I don't have a close partner.

I really have no clue why.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on May 18, 2015, 07:40:59 AM
Nothing wrong with wanting to find a partner for life, my point was I don't see why you "need" to find someone as if like time is running out or something.

This was kind of my thought.  It's okay to 'want', to have 'goals', but when the simple achievement of those goals seems to overwhelm the real benefit of the goal (i.e., having "a" partner, instead of waiting until you have "THE" partner) it sort of makes me wonder. 

I don't doubt you know - generally - what you want, but I know for me, what I "thought" I wanted at 19, and what I needed were very very different things.  But I recognize that this is not something that one can be told, and certainly not from someone on the Interwebs, who you've never met.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on May 18, 2015, 07:59:44 AM
As for someone who thought they met the love of their life at 19 (I was just about 20, but I did meet here when I was still 19) and then went on to date her and get engaged after 9 years just to find out the two of us arent compatible anymore, I totally agree with the sentiment that what you think you know and want when you are 19 may not be the case later in life.

I get dating isn't for everyone, but I do encourage people to meet more and see what's out there to figure out what you like and don't like.  Settling in with someone because you feel a need for companionship seems unlikely to work out into a successful happy long term relationship.  Not saying it isnt possible, but it's not the way I would go about it and my failed relationship is my biggest regret in life.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Sycsa on May 18, 2015, 08:28:08 AM
She would get herself all worked up all over again and its like groundhogs day.
:lol
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on May 18, 2015, 03:09:38 PM
Well the girl I had been seeing for the last month and a half had pushed for a relationship and I crumbled and pulled back.  She was awesome and we had so much fun together, but I only had one issue and that was the I repeatedly asked to take things slow.  She was the first one I dated that I really liked and felt like I could be serious with since my x and from her perspective it was the same since her divorce.  Before we started dating, we both talked about our past and agreed that while we arent against a relationship forming if thats where things go, there is no reason to rush and that we should just have fun and let things play out.  Well we definitely had our fun, but she kept pushing to hang out more and more and eventually I had to tell her that I wanted to take things slowly.  She agreed.  Then it got back where she was asking to hang out everyday and I had to explain to her again that I wanted to take things slow.  She agreed again and said we would only hang out when I ask, which I thought was weird but said OK cause I figure then it will be easier for me and its not like I didnt want to see her, just wanted to limit it to no more than 3 nights a week for now.  Well Friday came along and she just flat out asked if this was going to form into a relationship because she felt thats what she wanted now and I told her I wasnt ready.  Now its over.  I blame myself because I don't feel ready, but part of me feels like I may have lost a girl that seemed really awesome.  I actually feel like I may regret this more so than breaking up with my fiance which is really odd. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: jonnybaxy on May 19, 2015, 05:17:36 AM
*story*

Well It's better that way rather than going too fast for yourself and ending up worse because you weren't ready, imagine if you said yes and realised you couldn't handle it 6 months down the line, I can guarantee you'd be worse off.

Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on May 19, 2015, 05:32:17 AM
Sorry to hear that cram. Maybe you should have given it a shot but then again, if this girl kept pushing for more, who knows what she would have expected once the two of you were in a relationship. I know it upsets you that she ended it but if you're not ready, then you're not ready.


I told my soon to be ex-wife about the girl I got pregnant. She knew she was pregnant already but she assumed I wasn't speaking to her anymore. She had her reasons for not liking her. Yesterday I told her that I had seen her recently and she was less than pleased. We argued over text message and then she showed up to my place when I got home and we argued some more. She told my mother about it and my mother is pissed at me, too. My soon to be ex-wife told me she would not let me see my daughter with this new girl around. She said I can only have supervised visitation. I won't be able to see her every other weekend like I was. She basically did everything but take my daughter away from me completely. So now I'm stuck. I'm in love with this girl I got pregnant but if I stay with her I won't get to see my daughter as much...for now. I know it should be a no-brainer and I should choose my daughter but I'm having a child with this other girl also so it makes it more difficult.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on May 19, 2015, 05:38:58 AM
Prog, your situation is very complicated so I am not entirely sure I have words that can help you.  Are you going through with a divorce with your x wife?  Can she legally take your daughter away?  I have no idea how that all works, but if you are getting divorced, then I dont see how your visiting rights with your daughter can be taken away just cause you are seeing someone else now.

As for my story, oh well.  I get it, I am not ready and she seemed cool with the fact that I am not even though it means we are off because of it.  She didn't get mad at me or anything, just agreed we both have different needs/wants right now.  It just sucks cause that was the first girl I really liked and my own insecurities let her slip away it seems.  She texted me after I fell asleep saying we should still be friends. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: jonnybaxy on May 19, 2015, 05:40:56 AM
My current situation;

Over the last few days I started speaking to my most recent ex, not always a wise move but whatever, we started to get along again, she then says she would just like to remain as friends with a guarantee that nothing will happen between us again, but I still like her, yeah, I miss her.

So I just go all out and say that basically I feel the opposite and that was the reason that I messaged her again, because I miss her. She tells me she doesn't feel the same, she doesn't want to hurt me again.

I ask whether she doesn't want to because she doesn't want to hurt me or because she didn't like me anymore, she basically says that she didn't feel the same and it would end up with me getting hurt.

(At this point I'm having what can only be described as an emotional stroke) So then i'm just being pathetic asking what I have done to make her lose her feelings, she says I've done nothing. I don't quite understand how there can be no reason to someone not liking someone anymore.

I then go full cringe

Her "you'll find someone"
Me " that's the problem, I already did"
Her "night Jonny"

So I message her this morning apologising for last night, I know I cant make her like me, but she dismissed me saying that even if she did she wouldn't go ahead with it.


I just don't understand, My heads fucked up and well except from when I was with her it has been fucked up for a good 2 years.

I don't know why I care so much, I just end up getting fucked over.

I realise it was probably a mistake posting this, but meh, I've fucked up so much recently, how much worse could I do?

Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on May 19, 2015, 05:45:19 AM
Prog, your situation is very complicated so I am not entirely sure I have words that can help you.  Are you going through with a divorce with your x wife?  Can she legally take your daughter away?  I have no idea how that all works, but if you are getting divorced, then I dont see how your visiting rights with your daughter can be taken away just cause you are seeing someone else now.

As for my story, oh well.  I get it, I am not ready and she seemed cool with the fact that I am not even though it means we are off because of it.  She didn't get mad at me or anything, just agreed we both have different needs/wants right now.  It just sucks cause that was the first girl I really liked and my own insecurities let her slip away it seems.  She texted me after I fell asleep saying we should still be friends.

My ex is calling the divorce lawyer today. She is going to use against me the fact that I'm seeing two therapists and make it seem like I'm not mentally capable of taking care of my daughter. My ex is being spiteful because she does not like this new girl. I don't know what my rights are legally as far as this goes. 

Do you still want to be friends with this girl?
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on May 19, 2015, 06:00:27 AM
Man that sucks, best of luck with everything is really all I can say.

And no I dont really want to just be friends.  I just want to move on if she doesn't want to take her time with me.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on May 19, 2015, 06:01:48 AM
I can't blame you really. It's like a slap in the face really.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Phoenix87x on May 19, 2015, 06:11:46 AM
Vindictiveness and spitefulness is probably the biggest turnoff that I can think of.

It makes it impossible to trust that person and thus you have to be paranoid about revealing vulnerabilities, which I personally have many of. A lot which can be used against me if the shit hits the fan. So, any sign of manipulativeness or vindictiveness, then I'm done.

Sadly, it sometimes reveals itself later down the line.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on May 19, 2015, 06:19:20 AM
The spitefulness definitely comes out during a break up.  My x used that against me too, but being that we weren't married it didnt get used in the court system so it wasn't that bad comparatively.  That spitefulness is a reason why I can't even be friendly with my x though, cause like Phoenix said, its a huge turn off and a bad sign of character. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: kingshmegland on May 19, 2015, 06:21:49 AM
John, do what you have to do for now to get rights for your daughter.  If that means no chicks right now it's the right thing.  It's obvious the ex will do anything to screw you out of parental rights.  Once it's done then you can get on with your life.  Make your daughter your #1 priority right now.  You already have a lot on your plate.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on May 19, 2015, 06:40:43 AM
John, do what you have to do for now to get rights for your daughter.  If that means no chicks right now it's the right thing.  It's obvious the ex will do anything to screw you out of parental rights.  Once it's done then you can get on with your life.  Make your daughter your #1 priority right now.  You already have a lot on your plate.

I have a second child on the way. They both have to be my priority. I can't just completely abandon the unborn child.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: kingshmegland on May 19, 2015, 06:50:11 AM
OHHHH!!!  I DIDN'T READ THAT!

Yup.  You do.  Stay out of the ex's line of fire.  Don't give here any ammo.  I see the smile on your face when you post pics of you and your daughter.  So do the right thing and don't let the negativity of the ex bring you down.  You've got a little smile and one on the way to be your light moving forward.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on May 19, 2015, 06:53:16 AM
Can you get your therapists to formally decalre in writing that you are a fit father?
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on May 19, 2015, 06:55:42 AM
OHHHH!!!  I DIDN'T READ THAT!

Yup.  You do.  Stay out of the ex's line of fire.  Don't give here any ammo.  I see the smile on your face when you post pics of you and your daughter.  So do the right thing and don't let the negativity of the ex bring you down.  You've got a little smile and one on the way to be your light moving forward.

That's what I'm trying to do. It's taking some time but soon I'll reach the light at the end of the tunnel.


Can you get your therapists to formally decalre in writing that you are a fit father?

I was thinking of doing that.  I have to call her and make my next appointment so maybe I'll see if she can help with that.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on May 19, 2015, 08:02:58 AM
My current situation;

Over the last few days I started speaking to my most recent ex, not always a wise move but whatever, we started to get along again, she then says she would just like to remain as friends with a guarantee that nothing will happen between us again, but I still like her, yeah, I miss her.

So I just go all out and say that basically I feel the opposite and that was the reason that I messaged her again, because I miss her. She tells me she doesn't feel the same, she doesn't want to hurt me again.

I ask whether she doesn't want to because she doesn't want to hurt me or because she didn't like me anymore, she basically says that she didn't feel the same and it would end up with me getting hurt.

(At this point I'm having what can only be described as an emotional stroke) So then i'm just being pathetic asking what I have done to make her lose her feelings, she says I've done nothing. I don't quite understand how there can be no reason to someone not liking someone anymore.

I then go full cringe

Her "you'll find someone"
Me " that's the problem, I already did"
Her "night Jonny"

So I message her this morning apologising for last night, I know I cant make her like me, but she dismissed me saying that even if she did she wouldn't go ahead with it.


I just don't understand, My heads fucked up and well except from when I was with her it has been fucked up for a good 2 years.

I don't know why I care so much, I just end up getting fucked over.

I realise it was probably a mistake posting this, but meh, I've fucked up so much recently, how much worse could I do?

I read your post and was sort of indifferent to it until one line.

If I'm being a dick, I apol... no, actually, I don't apologize.  You can say a lot of things, but "you getting fucked over" is not one of them. You brought this on yourself, friend, no two ways about it.  Personally? I think your girl there is selfish and manipulative, and you're letting it happen.    Put her on block and forget about the "friends" thing.   She's the only woman on the planet?    Of course not.   

What you keep doing - what YOU keep doing, not someone doing it to you - is pulling the scab off before it can heal.    You are not the first person on the planet to have feelings for a girl that aren't being reciprocated.  In fact, I dare say everyone here has had a similar experience, if not more than once.    You're young; go out (metaphorically) and see the world.  Meet people.  Sure, every girl you meet is going to be compared to THAT girl... at first.  Then you'll find that it doesn't happen as much, then it doesn't happen as often, then it doesn't happen at all.  To a 19 year old, a week's time is like an eternity, but it will pass. 

Sorry to be blunt, but I want to see you succeed, not wallow.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on May 19, 2015, 08:10:40 AM
OHHHH!!!  I DIDN'T READ THAT!

Yup.  You do.  Stay out of the ex's line of fire.  Don't give here any ammo.  I see the smile on your face when you post pics of you and your daughter.  So do the right thing and don't let the negativity of the ex bring you down.  You've got a little smile and one on the way to be your light moving forward.

That's what I'm trying to do. It's taking some time but soon I'll reach the light at the end of the tunnel.


Can you get your therapists to formally decalre in writing that you are a fit father?

I was thinking of doing that.  I have to call her and make my next appointment so maybe I'll see if she can help with that.

I'm a lawyer, but I don't do family law, so this is not legal advice, but I have been through a similar situation (because of circumstance - we have a kid together - I lived with my ex for about three months after the divorce was final; one night I got a text from a girl - ironically, not a romantic partner - and she went batshit.  Went through my phone and called all the females, including two from work and two who were potentially romantic, and told them I was a cheating scumbag.  Thankfully one said "he said the divorce was final" and she had to admit that it was and she looked stupid, but still.   I didn't make an issue of it, but the point is, I know about wacky exes.)  You just have to stay focused and not let the noise overwhelm the music.  Dating someone is not a crime, and is not grounds for ending custody.   Seeing a therapist is not a crime, and is not grounds for ending custody (though the subject of the therapy may be; if you're a registered sex offender, going to therapy doesn't negate that).

Get a lawyer; most will do a free consultation, and many will set up payment arrangements when kids are involved.   If that doesn't work, here in CT, the matter will go in front of a judge, then be assigned to a family counselor that will essentially "mediate" the custody.  Maybe talk to them before to get an idea of what information you will need and what is not relevant.   If I remember, didn't your ex leave to see somebody as well?   It may be as simple as bringing that up and making that an issue.  Not to poo-poo this, if one parent has serious legitimate issues about an exes new mate, it's not a trivial matter, but she has to have proof and has to be able to substantiate her concerns in a court room (meaning, under oath). 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on May 19, 2015, 08:57:58 AM
Thanks for the advice Stadler. She's being a bit more reasonable today but still wants to go through with the divorce. It's just going to take time for her to accept everything but at least she isn't threatening me today. I'm hoping she eases up with the restrictions on seeing my daughter.  I'm in therapy for depression and anxiety, so nothing that could ever possibly harm my daughter.

Well my ex is the one who suggested the open relationship. That's what started all of this. But to answer your question, she has been serious with someone since late last year.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: jonnybaxy on May 19, 2015, 12:02:51 PM
My current situation;

Over the last few days I started speaking to my most recent ex, not always a wise move but whatever, we started to get along again, she then says she would just like to remain as friends with a guarantee that nothing will happen between us again, but I still like her, yeah, I miss her.

So I just go all out and say that basically I feel the opposite and that was the reason that I messaged her again, because I miss her. She tells me she doesn't feel the same, she doesn't want to hurt me again.

I ask whether she doesn't want to because she doesn't want to hurt me or because she didn't like me anymore, she basically says that she didn't feel the same and it would end up with me getting hurt.

(At this point I'm having what can only be described as an emotional stroke) So then i'm just being pathetic asking what I have done to make her lose her feelings, she says I've done nothing. I don't quite understand how there can be no reason to someone not liking someone anymore.

I then go full cringe

Her "you'll find someone"
Me " that's the problem, I already did"
Her "night Jonny"

So I message her this morning apologising for last night, I know I cant make her like me, but she dismissed me saying that even if she did she wouldn't go ahead with it.


I just don't understand, My heads fucked up and well except from when I was with her it has been fucked up for a good 2 years.

I don't know why I care so much, I just end up getting fucked over.

I realise it was probably a mistake posting this, but meh, I've fucked up so much recently, how much worse could I do?

I read your post and was sort of indifferent to it until one line.

If I'm being a dick, I apol... no, actually, I don't apologize.  You can say a lot of things, but "you getting fucked over" is not one of them. You brought this on yourself, friend, no two ways about it.  Personally? I think your girl there is selfish and manipulative, and you're letting it happen.    Put her on block and forget about the "friends" thing.   She's the only woman on the planet?    Of course not.   

What you keep doing - what YOU keep doing, not someone doing it to you - is pulling the scab off before it can heal.    You are not the first person on the planet to have feelings for a girl that aren't being reciprocated.  In fact, I dare say everyone here has had a similar experience, if not more than once.    You're young; go out (metaphorically) and see the world.  Meet people.  Sure, every girl you meet is going to be compared to THAT girl... at first.  Then you'll find that it doesn't happen as much, then it doesn't happen as often, then it doesn't happen at all.  To a 19 year old, a week's time is like an eternity, but it will pass. 

Sorry to be blunt, but I want to see you succeed, not wallow.

Yeah I agree, I make mistakes, yeah, I'm a slave to my emotions that's why I can't help myself going back again and again.

I don't see how I originally bring it on myself, I keep getting told over and over again it's not my fault,

I've felt like I've had depression for the last near 2 years because of this and my previous ex,

So now this has happened It will probably last another year or so, I can't get over these people because I've never understood why they haven't worked, I don't get closure.

I can't help how I feel and I don't know what to do anymore, it's killing me
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on May 19, 2015, 12:36:02 PM
Some people just don't mix, whatever the reason. I don't think carrots taste bad but you'll never see me putting them in my mouth. For whatever reason, I just don't ever want to eat them. You having feelings for someone isn't going to make them have feelings for you by default, and it's nothing against you.

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So now this has happened It will probably last another year or so, I can't get over these people because I've never understood why they haven't worked, I don't get closure.

The closure is that they ended/don't want the relationship. For whatever reason, the love chemicals weren't being released in the brain. You can't always explain why.

Metallica is an awesome band, but my neural network doesn't get excited when I hear them. I can't definitively say why other than that they do nothing for me. For whatever reason, the music section of my brain doesn't light up when I hear them. That doesn't make Metallica any less good of a band. Having feeling for people works the same way to a large degree.

Do you tell girls about this when you meet them?
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: jonnybaxy on May 19, 2015, 12:53:51 PM
Some people just don't mix, whatever the reason. I don't think carrots taste bad but you'll never see me putting them in my mouth. For whatever reason, I just don't ever want to eat them. You having feelings for someone isn't going to make them have feelings for you by default, and it's nothing against you.

Quote
So now this has happened It will probably last another year or so, I can't get over these people because I've never understood why they haven't worked, I don't get closure.

The closure is that they ended/don't want the relationship. For whatever reason, the love chemicals weren't being released in the brain. You can't always explain why.

Metallica is an awesome band, but my neural network doesn't get excited when I hear them. I can't definitively say why other than that they do nothing for me. For whatever reason, the music section of my brain doesn't light up when I hear them. That doesn't make Metallica any less good of a band. Having feeling for people works the same way to a large degree.

Do you tell girls about this when you meet them?

I know what you're saying but this has happened twice in a row with no explanation, There must be something like She doesn't find me attractive anymore, or I wasn't committed enough, or too much..

Do I tell girls about what?
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on May 19, 2015, 01:13:48 PM
That you've spent years depressed because of other females.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on May 19, 2015, 01:32:14 PM
That you've spent years depressed because of other females.

Well I wouldn't tell potential dates that until you get to know them very well. But I agree with what Chino is saying, you can't let yourself get hung up over the fact that someone you like doesnt reciprocate it back.  It's possible it's something you do, it's very possible it's not.  Two people is a very small sample size to make a determination on that.  The best thing you can do is take the criticism that the females have given you or from friends/family whatnot, take the honest bad things that people say about you and improve upon those.  Don't take it personally, just use it better yourself.  We all have things we can improve upon and I personally really like it when I get feedback from a woman because then I know where I need to improve.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: kingshmegland on May 19, 2015, 02:02:46 PM
It's unhealthy to want answers. Love it irrational and sometimes you can't get rational answers.  You're not focusing on yourself and the next relationship.

I've found if you find faults over the good in relationships your doing damage to that relationship.   Focus on the positives.  We all have things that bug us about the other. Those are the things my wife and I now embrace about each other.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on May 19, 2015, 02:07:13 PM
I'd just like to clarify that I'm not just talking out of my ass on this. When I was 17, I was 100% in love with a girl. Her name was Liz. One day, I go to her Myspace page, andout of nowhere I am no longer the number one on her top 8. Instead, I was replaced by a guy who attempted to rape her just a year earlier. I will never forget the feeling in the following few seconds. I never felt so crushed, so devastated, so betrayed, so used, or so sad. The feeling would not go away. I became obsessed with needing to know why (looking back at it now I realize it was because I was just a total pussy). I couldn't let it go. The feeling of emptiness and depression would not go away. It eventually started trickling into other facets of my life. I repeatedly had thoughts about dying. I never contemplated suicide as that would ruin my parents life, but I regularly had thoughts about how dying wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. I went on anti-depressants and begain drinking pretty heavily.

After about 2.5-3 years of this negativity, which all stemmed from this girl, I finally started getting, for lack of a better phrase, back to normal. I finally realized around the age of 23, when I really started learning about being an adult and future planning, that I had to ditch the acts. Every girl I've ever tried to be with resulted in me faking at least one element of the relationship. I was patient, turned down several girls, and was turned down by even more, but I finally found the perfect match for me (as far as I've ever been able to tell) just being myself. I had a couple of one nighters and a few multiple nighters, but nothing serious for a about 4 years. The whole time I was actively searching for a long term partner, but didn't mind the practicing with other girls who understood that it wasn't anything serious. I also learned that I was young. At the age of 17, I would have argued until I was blue in the face that I loved that girl, but looking back at it, I was 17. I didn't even know what love really was at that point. Liz and I are still good friends. I mean, it's not like we regularly talk or anything like that, but whenever I happen to bump into her in the grocery store, we catch up for a good 15 minutes like nothing bad ever happened between us.

Sorry, I feel like I am starting to ramble. I guess what I'm trying to say is, life will suck pretty hard at times. You can plan and take all the precautions you want, but sooner or later you are going to get shit on. Whether a girl tears your heart out, you break your spine, someone in your family dies unexpectedly, you become financially unstable, etc... something in life is going to drag you down. Just keep on keeping on. I know it's cliche, but life is too short. What happens happens. No sense on dwelling on things you can no longer control. Girl falls out of love with you... just keep loving yourself.

I'm going to leave you with the following quote;

(http://static2.quoteswave.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/Each-of-us-is-a-tiny-being.jpg?5e6628)

You only get a few dozen trips. The probabilty of you coming into existance was so incomprehensibly small, that you really should never get wrapped up in stuff like a girl leaving you. Just being alive is enough to overcome any shit life throws at your fan. Sure it will hurt. Let a good cry out and move on as painful as it may be, initially. I had to break all contact with Liz for over a year. It sucked, but you know what? It worked.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: jonnybaxy on May 19, 2015, 04:54:18 PM
I'd just like to clarify that I'm not just talking out of my ass on this. When I was 17, I was 100% in love with a girl. Her name was Liz. One day, I go to her Myspace page, andout of nowhere I am no longer the number one on her top 8. Instead, I was replaced by a guy who attempted to rape her just a year earlier. I will never forget the feeling in the following few seconds. I never felt so crushed, so devastated, so betrayed, so used, or so sad. The feeling would not go away. I became obsessed with needing to know why (looking back at it now I realize it was because I was just a total pussy). I couldn't let it go. The feeling of emptiness and depression would not go away. It eventually started trickling into other facets of my life. I repeatedly had thoughts about dying. I never contemplated suicide as that would ruin my parents life, but I regularly had thoughts about how dying wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. I went on anti-depressants and begain drinking pretty heavily. 

Yeah this is pretty much where I am now. By the way no I don't tell anyone about how I feel except this board only this girl I'm talking about knows that I'm depressed, though she doesn't know to what extent or the reasons

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You only get a few dozen trips. The probabilty of you coming into existance was so incomprehensibly small, that you really should never get wrapped up in stuff like a girl leaving you. Just being alive is enough to overcome any shit life throws at your fan. Sure it will hurt. Let a good cry out and move on as painful as it may be, initially. I had to break all contact with Liz for over a year. It sucked, but you know what? It worked.

Thanks for this, it has really helped me a bit I think, but I've tried blocking on all social media so I didn't see her, then I get a few minutes alone and I just buckle and make things worse.

Sometimes we're our own worst enemy.

Thanks Chino, it's much appreciated

Also a thanks to king and cramx3
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Phoenix87x on May 19, 2015, 06:19:45 PM
I have to get this shit off my chest because I feel like I'm going to explode.

I met a girl in pharmacy school. We became very good friends, but nothing more than than. Her husband is an abusive asshole, both physically and mentally. He also has a terminal illness and does not work and is on disability. And for the record, he was an abusive asshole before the illness. There's also 3 kids. A 16 year old, 7 year old and 5 year old.

The girl and husband were living with the husbands mother who turned a blind eye to the abuse. This abuse was to her, not to the kids. The abuse got so bad that the girl had to leave, but had no way to bring the 3 kids with her.

SO at this point she is "separated" from her husband and she is making preparations for a divorce. She's driving to see the kids a few times a week, but they are still staying with the grandmother. From here on, the girl and I fell in love, and it was the 7 greatest months of my life. The first time in my life that I was genuinely happy. Meanwhile she is taking her sweet time with the divorce and that's really going no where.

Well, at this point our relationship is going well and I'm happy as can be. Well, suddenly she gets a call from her husband. The grandmother didn't feel like having these three kids in her house anymore and threw them and the husband out. So husband calls the my girl and says that he'll abandon the 3 kids on the side of the road unless she's lets him move in with her and she supports him.

So, She let him move in with her. So now there's this abusive asshole living in the same house as the girl I was getting ready to propose to and she is showing absolutely no signs of trying to divorce him, since A) he's on disability and literally can't support himself and B) he makes a great live-in babysitter as she is a full time grad student and has 2 jobs (this is the part that actually pisses me off)

So now we are seeing each other in secret and I feel like some piece of shit, for now being part of an affair, and looking over me shoulder. I only got involved with her since they were separated and in the process of a divorce. Now nothing. Now its a husband and wife living in a place with their 3 kids. And now I'm just some guy on the side.

Now the person I was ready to make my wife now has her husband living with her, with no solution in sight. FUCK

Long story short, seriously fucked up situation, and I just needed to vent.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on May 20, 2015, 06:32:49 AM
Long story short, seriously fucked up situation, and I just needed to vent.

Damn, that about sums it up.  A really fucked up situation.  I feel bad that you have worked so hard for an awesome relationship, just to be set back to where it all started. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on May 20, 2015, 06:47:00 AM
Give the police an anonymous tip. Get the guy arrested and have custody turned over to the mother.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on May 20, 2015, 08:32:30 AM

Yeah I agree, I make mistakes, yeah, I'm a slave to my emotions that's why I can't help myself going back again and again.

I don't see how I originally bring it on myself, I keep getting told over and over again it's not my fault,

I've felt like I've had depression for the last near 2 years because of this and my previous ex,

So now this has happened It will probably last another year or so, I can't get over these people because I've never understood why they haven't worked, I don't get closure.

I can't help how I feel and I don't know what to do anymore, it's killing me

Listen, if you don't want to hear this, move along, and I'll say this as gently as I can, but your first step is coming to grips with the idea that YOU OWN WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU.  This isn't a drive-by where your catching a random bullet.   Every contact with that woman is of your own free will, and your own accord.  OWN THAT.   Allowing yourself to get into relationships with women who manipulate your feelings is of your own free will.  OWN THAT.   

As for the rest, one post from some idiot on the internet isn't going to help you, but as a general proposition, perhaps a therapist can help you sort out those feelings.    It's not about denying the feelings, it's recognizing them, dealing with them, and minimizing the situations you put yourself in that makes them worse.  Seeing the signs of a manipulative person before it starts to hurt, and before you've fallen for her.   I do slightly disagree with others, though, in terms of listening to what others say; it's inherently untruthful and doesn't help in the long run.  Do you benefit when a girl says "It's not you, it's me; I just want to be freiends"?   Of course not.   Chino had it best when he said that sometimes the chemicals just don't fire.  OWN THAT TOO.   My avatar has a great quote, something to the effect of, "it doesn't matter how many "no's" I get, as long as the night ends with one "yes"". 

You've got a lot going on; nothing that isn't addressable, and nothing that millions of others haven't dealt with, but still.   I do wish you well, but you're going to keep repeating yourself unless and until you start to get honest with yourself about your role in all this.  Once you own it, you will realize that it just IS, and like Chino implied, instead of trying to make yourself fit with that particular girl, you find the girl that fits with who you really are. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on May 20, 2015, 08:43:32 AM
I have to get this shit off my chest because I feel like I'm going to explode.

I met a girl in pharmacy school. We became very good friends, but nothing more than than. Her husband is an abusive asshole, both physically and mentally. He also has a terminal illness and does not work and is on disability. And for the record, he was an abusive asshole before the illness. There's also 3 kids. A 16 year old, 7 year old and 5 year old.

The girl and husband were living with the husbands mother who turned a blind eye to the abuse. This abuse was to her, not to the kids. The abuse got so bad that the girl had to leave, but had no way to bring the 3 kids with her.

SO at this point she is "separated" from her husband and she is making preparations for a divorce. She's driving to see the kids a few times a week, but they are still staying with the grandmother. From here on, the girl and I fell in love, and it was the 7 greatest months of my life. The first time in my life that I was genuinely happy. Meanwhile she is taking her sweet time with the divorce and that's really going no where.

Well, at this point our relationship is going well and I'm happy as can be. Well, suddenly she gets a call from her husband. The grandmother didn't feel like having these three kids in her house anymore and threw them and the husband out. So husband calls the my girl and says that he'll abandon the 3 kids on the side of the road unless she's lets him move in with her and she supports him.

So, She let him move in with her. So now there's this abusive asshole living in the same house as the girl I was getting ready to propose to and she is showing absolutely no signs of trying to divorce him, since A) he's on disability and literally can't support himself and B) he makes a great live-in babysitter as she is a full time grad student and has 2 jobs (this is the part that actually pisses me off)

So now we are seeing each other in secret and I feel like some piece of shit, for now being part of an affair, and looking over me shoulder. I only got involved with her since they were separated and in the process of a divorce. Now nothing. Now its a husband and wife living in a place with their 3 kids. And now I'm just some guy on the side.

Now the person I was ready to make my wife now has her husband living with her, with no solution in sight. FUCK

Long story short, seriously fucked up situation, and I just needed to vent.

Hard to judge a situation like this from afar, but there's a lot there that doesn't add up.  I don't mean you're not telling the truth (I believe you are) but in terms of her actions and reactions.    "I'll leave the kids on the side of the road if you don't let me move in with you" actually works?   If he's disabled and doesn't work and is abusive and is threatening to abandon the kids, it would take 30 minutes in a court room to get those children in her full custody.  You said "making preparations for a divorce"; presumably that includes an attorney; surely they have some opinion on this. 

Hard truth as I see it:  she wouldn't be in that situation if - at some level, and it may not be conscious - she didn't want to be.   "Abuse" is a hot button issue in this day and age, and even shitty claims are being given the utmost respect and attention.   If there ever was a time in the United States to make a claim of abuse and have the system work for you, it's post Ray Rice USA, circa 2015. 

I'm you?  I call her bluff.   "Victoria, I love you.  But I'm an adult man, ready to take on responsibility for you, your kids and our life together, and I am not sneaking around in shadows while this piece of shit - who clearly ISN'T ready for responsibility of any kind - manipulates you and takes advantage of you.  I will help you in any capacity I can to free yourself of that scum bag, but unless and until you do, I'm not playing his game. Seacrest out." 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on May 20, 2015, 09:38:59 AM
Give the police an anonymous tip. Get the guy arrested and have custody turned over to the mother.

Can you even do this without the abused agreeing to being abused?  I think that's what makes domestic abuse so difficult to deal with because there are usually complications (like children) that prevent the abused to seek help for fear of complications (like what happens to my children?). 

I am just questioning, I am not knowledgeable in this.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: jonnybaxy on May 20, 2015, 10:21:21 AM
Stadler

Both of these girls I genuinely loved and thought it was going well, whether that's them hiding that they feel otherwise or just me reading signs wrong I'm not sure, I haven't had to mould myself to either of them they seemed to be good and compatible with me, but again that could be me reading people wrong.

I've thought countless times to go to a doctor's, a therapist, whatever, I really don't want to do that, I'd be too embarrassed, only my ex, a close friend and you guys behind the screen know about this.

I know you're saying I can control a lot more, but people can still be unpredictable
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on May 20, 2015, 02:36:53 PM
Stadler

Both of these girls I genuinely loved and thought it was going well, whether that's them hiding that they feel otherwise or just me reading signs wrong I'm not sure, I haven't had to mould myself to either of them they seemed to be good and compatible with me, but again that could be me reading people wrong.

I've thought countless times to go to a doctor's, a therapist, whatever, I really don't want to do that, I'd be too embarrassed, only my ex, a close friend and you guys behind the screen know about this.

I know you're saying I can control a lot more, but people can still be unpredictable

First, and most important, I can't tell you "not to be embarrassed", but that is their job, to hear people like you (and me) and help them.  You would be (perhaps) surprised at how common these issues are.  I was raised in a family that kept their shit under wraps and it was "nobody's business" but now I can't imagine not having the benefit of a therapist to help with situations like this.  Sure, some things are more sensitive than others, but I'm not sure how it's any different than telling me or Cramx3 or Progsnob.   And ask yourself this question:  what's the worse feeling?   Being depressed and hurt by those women that don't give a shit about you or being embarrassed by talking to a therapist who's only reason for being is to help you feel better and BE better? 

The second point, though, is perhaps me not being clear; I don't mean control a lot more, and certainly not control someone else.  That's a fool's game.  I mean control yourself and accept your feelings.  And that means reacting and dealing with the unpredictable.   Life happens, and people sometimes just change their minds, and you have to accept that and own that.   Doesn't mean you not be hurt, doesn't mean you have to be happy about it, but it also doesn't mean you're being "fucked over".   And to the extent that you're involved with either of these women on a repeat basis that is ALL on you.  To the extent you've gone back when they've said "Well, maybe I do like you..." and you've been hurt again, that's manipulative on their part.  You HAVE to put your wellbeing first, and being manipulated is not that.   Think about it this way:  what kind of girlfriend is she going to be long term if she doesn't give a shit about your feelings?   What kind of boyfriend/husband/father are you going to be if you aren't willing to stand up for your own feelings, let alone your partner's or children's? 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: jonnybaxy on May 20, 2015, 03:50:03 PM
Stadler

Both of these girls I genuinely loved and thought it was going well, whether that's them hiding that they feel otherwise or just me reading signs wrong I'm not sure, I haven't had to mould myself to either of them they seemed to be good and compatible with me, but again that could be me reading people wrong.

I've thought countless times to go to a doctor's, a therapist, whatever, I really don't want to do that, I'd be too embarrassed, only my ex, a close friend and you guys behind the screen know about this.

I know you're saying I can control a lot more, but people can still be unpredictable

First, and most important, I can't tell you "not to be embarrassed", but that is their job, to hear people like you (and me) and help them.  You would be (perhaps) surprised at how common these issues are.  I was raised in a family that kept their shit under wraps and it was "nobody's business" but now I can't imagine not having the benefit of a therapist to help with situations like this.  Sure, some things are more sensitive than others, but I'm not sure how it's any different than telling me or Cramx3 or Progsnob.   And ask yourself this question:  what's the worse feeling?   Being depressed and hurt by those women that don't give a shit about you or being embarrassed by talking to a therapist who's only reason for being is to help you feel better and BE better? 

The second point, though, is perhaps me not being clear; I don't mean control a lot more, and certainly not control someone else.  That's a fool's game.  I mean control yourself and accept your feelings.  And that means reacting and dealing with the unpredictable.   Life happens, and people sometimes just change their minds, and you have to accept that and own that.   Doesn't mean you not be hurt, doesn't mean you have to be happy about it, but it also doesn't mean you're being "fucked over".   And to the extent that you're involved with either of these women on a repeat basis that is ALL on you.  To the extent you've gone back when they've said "Well, maybe I do like you..." and you've been hurt again, that's manipulative on their part.  You HAVE to put your wellbeing first, and being manipulated is not that.   Think about it this way:  what kind of girlfriend is she going to be long term if she doesn't give a shit about your feelings?   What kind of boyfriend/husband/father are you going to be if you aren't willing to stand up for your own feelings, let alone your partner's or children's?

I don't know, I've always been one of them people who keeps it mainly to themselves, I can't explain why I don't want to go to a therapist or doctor other than feeling like it's giving in or something, I don't know why at all.

I've agreed with you over and over that yeah it's my fault for repeatedly going back but I feel like I can't help it, my optimistic mind goes "well it can't get worse, you never know it might work!" and of course it never does and then it is worse.

Yeah, I'm a pushover, I'm a "helpless romantic", I'm a slave to my emotions, I don't know how to control it, it gets to a bad point, then I say "I want this back, I miss that feeling" and when it hits that point, it's all I think about. This place is basically my venting area. And when it reaches this point, I've no idea why but everything else in my life could be fine, buttthis keeps dragging me down, even though I know as much as everyone else here that it's not reallythat important.

Everyone just wants to feel loved and appreciated really
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on May 20, 2015, 03:55:07 PM
I agree, if you got the balls to type it out here for us all to read and chime in on, you certainly shouldnt be embarrased to speak your mind to someone who is trained to listen and advise on these sort of things. 

I used to feel that same way about seeing a therapist though.  When my relationship was unraveling, my x who has a doctorate in psychology, was obviously very big on us seeing a relationship therapist.  I gave in, figuring there was nothing to lose at that point.  I know the therapist didnt help in that instance because I was already checked out of the relationship at that point and he told me the same, there was nothing he could do to help us if I was no longer wanting to be in the relationship.

However, that did open me up to the idea of seeing one for myself. After the break up I did see a therapist for a bit.  Just to talk and open up about my feelings inside because my life was really turbulent with the seperation (we owned a house together, had 3 cats, other shared belongings, mutual friends and family relationships...).  Saying everything and how I felt to some stranger actually really helped.  I dont think he even gave me any advice or anything really, he just listened and it felt good tog et it all out.  There is nothing to be embarrassed about and honestly, the therapist has likely seen it all before so there will be no judging of you or anything.  You'll get more out of that than posting here IMO.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on May 21, 2015, 06:46:55 AM
I don't know, I've always been one of them people who keeps it mainly to themselves, I can't explain why I don't want to go to a therapist or doctor other than feeling like it's giving in or something, I don't know why at all.

I've agreed with you over and over that yeah it's my fault for repeatedly going back but I feel like I can't help it, my optimistic mind goes "well it can't get worse, you never know it might work!" and of course it never does and then it is worse.

It's not about "fault"; I don't really care about "fault".  That's one of those silly things like "closure" that have taken on a life of their own (I can't tell you how many poor decisions I know of that have been made in the name of "closure").  It's about not doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting a different result. 

Quote
Yeah, I'm a pushover, I'm a "helpless romantic", I'm a slave to my emotions, I don't know how to control it, it gets to a bad point, then I say "I want this back, I miss that feeling" and when it hits that point, it's all I think about. This place is basically my venting area. And when it reaches this point, I've no idea why but everything else in my life could be fine, buttthis keeps dragging me down, even though I know as much as everyone else here that it's not reallythat important.

Everyone just wants to feel loved and appreciated really

But do you really?  That's the question. I know it's none of my business and I should let it go, but sometimes the distance of a stranger is enough to see through the fog (and why therapists help so many people).    You keep saying "you want to feel love" but honestly?  I don't get one iota of "love" from any of your descriptions of your interactions with those two girls, and I CERTAINLY don't get any sense of "appreciation".   If those girls really loved you, they would be aware of, and refusing to cause you, all this pain.    THEY would own their role in this and do what they can to stop it. 

If you haven't figured it out yet, I went through something like this with my college girlfriend.  She didn't really love me either, but the difference was, she did care for me and my feelings.  And after the third time or so, she basically in so many words said "I'm moving back to Massachusetts, don't come after me."  And she did, and I didn't, and it hurt, I felt like my soul mate left, I felt like the world was over, I felt like I was staring at 60 years of loneliness, and... she was right.  I don't know if I was strong enough to do what I'm suggesting you do, but I didn't have to be; her helping with the hard work is possibly the most giving, kindest gesture that anyone has done for me.  It's been years now, and honestly, I rarely if ever think of her.  It isn't a bad thing, not at all, but with the benefit of years, she's not even in the top three of "loves" I have been lucky enough to experience.   I do know (with the help of therapy) that her willingness to account for my feelings as well as her own went a long way to making later loves that much better.   "Evidence of Autumn" by Genesis covers it rather nicely (though I suspect the girl in that song met a different fate):

"Though you hardly can recall
 Her face or form
 Her memory lingers on.."

I've said all I can.  Good luck. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: MoraWintersoul on May 21, 2015, 06:26:44 PM
I hope Prog Snob and Phoenix will get help for their situations, the ex wife nor the ex husband don't have any right whatsoever to mess with any of the kids or to try to manipulate your/Phoenix's girl's behavior. Good luck with that.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on May 22, 2015, 05:37:04 AM
I hope Prog Snob and Phoenix will get help for their situations, the ex wife nor the ex husband don't have any right whatsoever to mess with any of the kids or to try to manipulate your/Phoenix's girl's behavior. Good luck with that.

Yesterday my ex-wife, my girlfriend, and I sat down and cleared the air.  My ex just wanted to be reassured that our child together would never be put in harm's way.  My ex has an issue with sometimes overreacting at first but then the next day being able to think more clearly.  She threatened to keep my daughter away from me completely and I snapped. I told her I don't care how many people I have to borrow money from. I will get a lawyer and take her to court because she can't legally do that.  She finally changed her tune and now everything is going to be alright.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on May 22, 2015, 05:47:38 AM
I hope Prog Snob and Phoenix will get help for their situations, the ex wife nor the ex husband don't have any right whatsoever to mess with any of the kids or to try to manipulate your/Phoenix's girl's behavior. Good luck with that.

Yesterday my ex-wife, my girlfriend, and I sat down and cleared the air.  My ex just wanted to be reassured that our child together would never be put in harm's way.  My ex has an issue with sometimes overreacting at first but then the next day being able to think more clearly.  She threatened to keep my daughter away from me completely and I snapped. I told her I don't care how many people I have to borrow money from. I will get a lawyer and take her to court because she can't legally do that.  She finally changed her tune and now everything is going to be alright.

Good to hear!  That's great that the three of you were able to peacefully come to terms and an understanding.  That is what is in the best interest of everyone including the children.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on May 22, 2015, 05:55:42 AM
I hope Prog Snob and Phoenix will get help for their situations, the ex wife nor the ex husband don't have any right whatsoever to mess with any of the kids or to try to manipulate your/Phoenix's girl's behavior. Good luck with that.

Yesterday my ex-wife, my girlfriend, and I sat down and cleared the air.  My ex just wanted to be reassured that our child together would never be put in harm's way.  My ex has an issue with sometimes overreacting at first but then the next day being able to think more clearly.  She threatened to keep my daughter away from me completely and I snapped. I told her I don't care how many people I have to borrow money from. I will get a lawyer and take her to court because she can't legally do that.  She finally changed her tune and now everything is going to be alright.

Good to hear!  That's great that the three of you were able to peacefully come to terms and an understanding.  That is what is in the best interest of everyone including the children.

Exactly. So last night I booked my girlfriend's ticket to Florida. I was heading down there with my best friend and his wife for our friend's 40th birthday party.  So now my girlfriend will be joining us for a week of Florida sun. I'm really looking forward to this. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on May 22, 2015, 06:06:57 AM
Sounds fun, have a good time bud!
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: JayOctavarium on May 22, 2015, 10:13:28 AM
So on Tuesday, a new coworker of mine pointed out the fact that it seems very obvious that another coworker has a thing for me (which I already pretty much knew). He then told me about his girlfriend's friend, who was in the car with him when he was dropped off the day before, thinking I was cute and asking him to "mention" her. Huh.


And then today... there's this girl who I see everyday on the bus... really cute...  Well... today she sat next to me. The bus was like only 1/4 full AND SHE SAT NEXT TO ME, SAID HI, AND SMILED!.  I said good morning back and went on with my browsing of DTF on my phone. I'll see her again tomorrow. Or not. She seems to be like a tad younger than me. Maybe even 17. Uh Oh. Oh Well.

And then later this morning I ran to the grocery store next to work to grab a breakfast burrito from the deli. I met another girl there... really really pretty... and had a short convo with her. Recommended her a sandwich.  When we parted ways, she smiled cutely and said goodbye. I'll probably never see her again.

Idk. I am in an interesting lovesick mood.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on May 22, 2015, 11:38:15 AM
You should invite them all over for a party time.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: JayOctavarium on May 22, 2015, 12:34:29 PM
My coworker, a possible minor,  and the chick from the deli?

:lol
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on May 22, 2015, 01:03:04 PM
My coworker, a possible minor,  and the chick from the deli?

:lol

That sounds like fun actually.  ;)
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on May 23, 2015, 07:05:33 PM
Sounds fun, have a good time bud!

Thanks.  Here's a picture of her by the way and a picture of us seconds after we booked the flight. 

(http://i1272.photobucket.com/albums/y393/Prog_Snob/481815_10151244986396668_931857691_n_zpsummib6oy.jpg)

(http://i1272.photobucket.com/albums/y393/Prog_Snob/11295912_10153247891826668_5913310499206219898_n_zpshhifeixy.jpg)
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on May 23, 2015, 10:06:42 PM
Cool Prog! She looks good and you two look happy!

I just came back from the first wedding I had ever gone to alone.  It was fun and all, but made me really wish there was a girl in my life that I really could enjoy the moment with.  My coworker (the groom) had been pushing me to bring the last girl I was seeing, but as I talked about here, things didnt work out with us so I went alone.  It was definitely fun, just was very different from what I was used to (in terms of going to a wedding with a date).
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on May 24, 2015, 11:06:07 AM
I went to my cousins wedding alone and it was also the first time for me going alone. I enjoyed it though but it always makes you wish you had someone there with you especially when all of the couples are slow dancing.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: FlyingBIZKIT on May 24, 2015, 09:38:45 PM
Man, you do look like a prog snob ;D ;D
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: BlobVanDam on May 24, 2015, 09:42:13 PM
Man, you do look like a prog snob ;D ;D

No he doesn't. He's with a female. :neverusethis:
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on May 25, 2015, 02:33:35 AM
 :lol, touche

Sorry, this will probably be a long vent...

So guys, I come to this thread occasionally for various reasons, and today it's because I feel like I might have to break it off with somebody I'm seeing. Things have become really awkward between us, at least for me. He has to be able to feel the weirdness, but he hasn't acknowledged it. I feel basically like we're just friends at this point, but he obviously doesn't (he's always doing stuff like showering me with compliments, which makes me feel uncomfortable)... and that's what freaks me out, because we're clearly not on the same wavelength and I'm afraid this will come out of left field. But I feel it's not fair to either of us to keep it going at this point. I just feel like things have fizzled. He's getting on my nerves more and more, and I'm realizing it's not so much him as me being resentful about the fact that I haven't said anything about how I'm feeling. I suck at that.

Today he really upset me over something that shouldn't have been a big deal- basically, last night he teased me for a silly slip of the tongue I made. I said "spin" instead of "roll" in reference to dice in a game. He thought this was just hilarious, and today when I stopped by his work he said he laughed a couple of times thinking about it later on last night. I was furious and went into defense-mode, though I didn't say what I was thinking ("You're being a condescending ass right now"). It just made me think about the pile of times he's upset me for similar reasons (condescension towards me or others, being a know-it-all, that kind of stuff)... more situations where I've never said anything because I suck at speaking up for myself and I tend to freeze up in the moment.. then, when I have my words back hours (or days) later I feel like it's stupid to say something, so I eat the feelings and they stew inside of me. I decided not to do that tonight and, hours later, told him via text that I felt like he was making fun of me earlier. He wrote back saying that he had been "actually making fun of himself" but didn't express it properly, which just makes no fucking sense to me and just made me even more annoyed.

The point is that I just don't think I feel the same way about him that I used to, but I'm afraid to say something because I'm always so afraid to hurt peoples' feelings. I will make myself horribly uncomfortable and miserable for the "sake" of somebody else, even though I'm not doing them any favors either. People think I'm so honest and genuine all the time, but they don't realize the shit that I bottle up inside. I choke when I try to be real about stuff like this. I'm deathly afraid of hurting people and them hating me for whatever I say. So, on more than one occasion I've stayed in a relationship longer than I should've because I am just terrified of initiating that conversation. It makes me feel stupid and like an asshole, which is where I'm at right now  :(
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: KevShmev on May 25, 2015, 07:34:44 AM
You could always go the easy route and dump him via text, which seems to be more and more then norm these days, instead of having to do the face-to-face thing.  How long have you guys been seeing each other that way

I'm bad about that stuff, too.  Years ago, I was dating a teacher - we had gone out like five times - and she was okay, but very clingy and I just wasn't that into her.  I kind of just stopped calling her (this was still in my pre-texting years :lol), and then it was maybe a week later, she sent me an email that said, "So, I guess we aren't talking anymore?"  I was then able to kind of do the "we shouldn't see each other anymore" thing via email, which made me feel bad, but a face-to-face, even when it is someone you haven't been seeing long, is brutal, especially when you know they like you a lot more than you like them. 

I recently was dating a really nice lady, and we both thought a lot of the other (for one, we had similar high values, which is rare nowadays), but there was just no click.  Our conversations were terrible, whether texting or on the phone or in person, and I was like, "She has to know this, too, right?"  What's crazy is that our conversation on our first date was great; we talked effortlessly for like 2 1/2 hours!  But it's like we blew our wad right then and there. :lol :lol  Fortunately, after several more weeks, she did sense it, too, and it was brought up and resolved rather quickly.  It was almost a relief not to have to worry about having another bad conversation.   Of course, the superficial part of me was disappointed, because she was very, very attractive (very pretty face, brunette AND thin, always a big hit in my book ;)), but that's the way it goes sometimes. :facepalm: :lol
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on May 25, 2015, 12:06:36 PM
I know that feeling!

We've been seeing each other since March of last year, so a fairly long time. Not exclusively- I told him from the beginning I wasn't interested in something super-serious or monogamous, but it became somewhat serious and the "L" word was exchanged and whatnot. I think, like you said, we "blew our wad" fairly early and it's been getting stale for a while now. I've been so busy with one thing or another that I've been able to brush it off, and since I moved to a different neighborhood (we used to live 11-12 blocks from each other and now it's 6-7 miles) we've naturally been seeing less of each other anyway... but he's been overeager to come over and see me and that sort of thing, and the fact that he's still SO into it not only turns me off a bit but also makes me uncomfortable because I'm not so into it and don't want to lead him on.

In the beginning, as always, it was very exciting and I noticed but overlooked a lot of his weaker points. I was wooed by how intelligent and quirky he is, and our common interests, and I sort of ignored the fact that he's very emotionally immature, drinks too much, etc. Over time I began to realize that he is very much like the first guy I dated in college- very low self-esteem, so he uses his geekiness and knowledge about stuff like movies or whatever (he has a film degree) to try and make himself feel better/superior to others. I find this extremely irritating and have become so tired of him showing off his knowledge about stuff, while at the same time cutting off his emotions and refusing to live up to his potential. I'm (clearly) not the kind of girl who says "You gotta make six figures and buy me nice things to be my man!"- in fact, I'm stubbornly self-sufficient and I'm often the one treating my dates and that sort of thing. However, when you're 30 years old with a college degree and working a retail job where you make about $300 a week and are basically living off the kindness of your dad, that lack of motivation is a big turnoff. I think he has a TON of work to do on himself before he can be happy in a relationship (and life), and while in the beginning it was like "Let's just be in the moment and accept each other for who we are," I'm feeling a bit less romantic and more realistic about everything.

We still have a lot of common interests and I do enjoy hanging with and talking to him... it's when the lovey and sexy parts come in that I get uncomfortable at this point. I could see us continuing to communicate down the road and maybe do things like see movies together (we both love movies, and he's still on good terms with most of his exes, one of whom I'm also friends with- good sign), but when I think about continuing to date I just don't see a future.

I just can't, after all this time, see myself cutting it off via text/phone. So it's initiating that conversation tat absolutely terrifies me. Blah. I think I may just so silent for a while and see what happens, give both of us time to think.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on May 25, 2015, 01:22:26 PM
Minus the job/motivation, this guy sounds a lot like myself.  I am the type of person that cracks stupid jokes when my girl says something stupid or slips and it comes out funny or whatever and my emotional IQ is low.  I actually kind of "get it" when he says he is amking fun of himself in a way, because I often make fun of myself by making jokes about other people.  It's a weird thing and I don't know how to explain it, but I KNOW I have pissed a girl off by doing it before and it isn't until some time later when I reflect on what happened that I realized my joke which I thought was funny was actually not funny and seen by the other as offensive because they perceive it as me making fun of them (which it isn't, but if I put myself in their shoes I can see how it would be).  Stuff like that can be fixed and made better by communication.

The emotionally imature stuff is hard to break though, and it honestly may just be his personality in which case it is what it is.  The last girl I saw actually said on our "break up talk" (if you want to call it that) that I was not emotional enough.  My x-fiance always said that too, that my emotions weren't capable enough to deal with her own emotions.  Most men are not as emotional as woman, but there are varying levels and I would put myself on the low end.  I know I am not capable of being in a relationship with someone who is overly emotional, we just don't mix. 

While it is ridiculously tough to end a relationship, I would recommend you do it sooner than later because it is only going to hold you back from living your life (and his as well) since it seems obvious you know that this isn't going to work out.  Once you know that, you need to end it.  That is a big regret of my own from my past, held onto a relationship way longer than should have and the break up only gets worse the longer you hold on.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: JayOctavarium on May 25, 2015, 02:01:32 PM

The emotionally imature stuff is hard to break though, and it honestly may just be his personality in which case it is what it is.  The last girl I saw actually said on our "break up talk" (if you want to call it that) that I was not emotional enough.  My x-fiance always said that too, that my emotions weren't capable enough to deal with her own emotions.  Most men are not as emotional as woman, but there are varying levels and I would put myself on the low end.  I know I am not capable of being in a relationship with someone who is overly emotional, we just don't mix. 





Sounds very familiar
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: jonnybaxy on May 25, 2015, 03:58:04 PM
Just here to talk to myself again really so I can write down how I am and basically review myself.

I've got over the initial depression, I'm no longer a complete emotional wreck, I'm not drinking every night of the week any more and I'm pretty sure the tunnel vision has gone.

I think I'm glad i've not found anyone new yet as i'd probably have realised it would have been a bounce back, meaningless relationship.

Basically i'm feeling a bit more stable now and preparing to search for the next lady when I feel it's time.



But also makes me uncomfortable because I'm not so into it and don't want to lead him on.

*snip*

but when I think about continuing to date I just don't see a future.

I just can't, after all this time, see myself cutting it off via text/phone. So it's initiating that conversation tat absolutely terrifies me. Blah. I think I may just so silent for a while and see what happens, give both of us time to think.

I'd say the best course would be to end it so it isn't carrying on because he will only get more in to you the longer it goes on.

At the very least just bring the subject up
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: kingshmegland on May 25, 2015, 05:03:22 PM
Time is the best way to move on.  Don't force yourself to look for relationship, enjoy your time off Jonny. Let it happen naturally.

Jackie, the longer you postpone breaking up, the harder it is and the uglier it gets.  Just go for it.  It will be better for both of you.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on May 25, 2015, 05:43:57 PM
I know, I just have this problem of waiting until the "right" time to have a talk with somebody, which is just a great way to keep putting it off. I haven't heard from him since last night (I didn't know how to respond to what he said) and I haven't reached out. He works all day today and then I have a bunch of shit going on this coming week, so I honestly don't even know when I'll have time to sit down with him.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on May 26, 2015, 05:36:37 AM
Man, you do look like a prog snob ;D ;D

No he doesn't. He's with a female. :neverusethis:

 :lol
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on May 26, 2015, 07:04:35 AM
I know, I just have this problem of waiting until the "right" time to have a talk with somebody, which is just a great way to keep putting it off. I haven't heard from him since last night (I didn't know how to respond to what he said) and I haven't reached out. He works all day today and then I have a bunch of shit going on this coming week, so I honestly don't even know when I'll have time to sit down with him.

Well, I think you already know "there is no 'right' time", but I disagree with some of the others here; you DON'T have to rush this, provided you're not pretending all is roses in the meantime.   If the "talk" is that stressful for you (and I can understand that it might be), maybe let him cool his jets a little bit.  Don't respond to the text immediately, do your "shit" this week, and let it sit.  Who knows, he may start to get the hint a little and facilitate the conversation.  If he doesn't, you're no worse off, right?

One thing I would not do, though, no matter how hard it is, is the "text/email breakup".  If you're worried about leaving wreckage from the breakup, that's a great way to increase the odds of that happening.   

I wouldn't feel bad about the state of the relationship, though.  People progress and grow (or not) at different rates.  That's why (most of us) don't get married after the first date, because more often than not things progress like you described, not like they do in Meg Ryan movies (I think I'm dating myself there.  Kate Hudson?).  If I married every girl I had an "AWESOME FIRST DATE WITH" and with whom I had "AWESOME TEXTS AT FIRST", I'd be on a reality show with 22 wives.   Or something. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on May 26, 2015, 02:58:44 PM
Lol, good point. It just sucks when it gets to that point where you realize the other person is way more into you, at least if you have a heart. I've been there a few times now and it's very uncomfortable for somebody who is deathly afraid of hurting others' feelings. I have not heard from him since Sunday night but I realized I am free today after all and would like to get it the fuck over with if possible, so I am going to see if he's around later to talk. And yeah, I would never have this conversation via text.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: kingshmegland on May 26, 2015, 03:08:18 PM
When I said get it over with it's because the longer Jackie waits, the harder it will be for her.  It just gets harder when you think about it too long.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on May 26, 2015, 03:08:44 PM
I know how you feel about not wanting to hurt someone's feelings, but it's for the best of both of you so for him, it may hurt now, but it will get better and he will be better off so hopefully that helps you feel better about doing it... and I also am against doing the tm thing unless it was just something small you two had going (which this seems like it is not).
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on May 26, 2015, 10:12:10 PM
Well, we had a looong talk. Appropriately, in a cemetery  :lol... it went pretty well, I think. Long story I'm too exhausted to type out, but thanks for all your support guys.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on May 27, 2015, 06:18:56 AM
Well, we had a looong talk. Appropriately, in a cemetery  :lol... it went pretty well, I think. Long story I'm too exhausted to type out, but thanks for all your support guys.

Wait... did I misunderstand?  "Cemetery".  "Long story".  "Exhausted".  Sounds more like you killed him than broke up with him.   But at least it went pretty well... :)
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on May 27, 2015, 08:34:08 AM
 :lol how poetic, but it's good you did what needed to be done, now it's time to move on and be happy
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: kingshmegland on May 27, 2015, 09:51:56 AM
 :lol Stadler.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on May 29, 2015, 10:53:20 PM
 :lol

There's a part of me that thinks things just went stale with us, but another part of me that thinks it's mostly my current headspace. I don't want to be with anyone. I barely want to leave the house when I'm not working. I'm not really depressed, but I'm exhausted. I have no sex drive and I don't feel very "romantic," and I feel like I just need to do my own thing for a while. That's what I told him, among other things. There was crying and high emotions and even some "one last time" sex (took advantage of rigor mortis before I buried him in a fresh grave), which I thought only happened in the movies.
He told me he noticed things getting weird between us months ago but didn't say anything mostly for the same reason I didn't, which was fear of hurting feelings. We're both afraid of confrontation, I think. But I'm glad it wasn't out of left field for him, even though he clearly was in the place of being more "into" me than I was him at this point.

We agreed that we definitely want to be friends and want each other in our lives, but it might take a while before we can do that. We'll see.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on May 29, 2015, 11:56:39 PM
As weird as this sounds, considering the situation, I don't think it could have worked out any better for you and him
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on May 30, 2015, 11:36:25 AM
You're probably right. I don't think it was a sustainable relationship from the beginning. It was supposed to just be fun for a while, and then things got a bit too heavy. There have been a few times over the last few times where I've found myself wanting to text him or invite him to a movie, but mostly I feel relieved and like wanting to do my own thing.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: KevShmev on June 01, 2015, 02:22:29 PM
You're probably right. I don't think it was a sustainable relationship from the beginning. It was supposed to just be fun for a while, and then things got a bit too heavy. There have been a few times over the last few times where I've found myself wanting to text him or invite him to a movie, but mostly I feel relieved and like wanting to do my own thing.

So in the robotic words of Matt Bellamy, it was UN-SU-STAIN-ABLE?

Sorry, I had to do it. :facepalm: :lol :biggrin:
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on June 01, 2015, 05:06:31 PM
Going on a first meet up date in a few minutes.  This girl apparently lives around the corner from me, that could be good or bad.  I guess that depends on how tonight goes.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on June 03, 2015, 08:53:23 AM
Yeah, could be great or really awkward if things don't go well! Well? Have you not posted yet because you're still in bed with her??

You're probably right. I don't think it was a sustainable relationship from the beginning. It was supposed to just be fun for a while, and then things got a bit too heavy. There have been a few times over the last few times where I've found myself wanting to text him or invite him to a movie, but mostly I feel relieved and like wanting to do my own thing.

So in the robotic words of Matt Bellamy, it was UN-SU-STAIN-ABLE?

Sorry, I had to do it. :facepalm: :lol :biggrin:

 :lol, it's true.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on June 03, 2015, 09:36:47 AM
Going on a first meet up date in a few minutes.  This girl apparently lives around the corner from me, that could be good or bad.  I guess that depends on how tonight goes.

Don't shit where you eat!!!!
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on June 03, 2015, 10:10:26 AM
 :lol

Things went well Monday night.  We had a couple drinks and shared a small pizza at a local bar.  She lives about 10 minutes away so its not as close as I had thought, but still close which is nice.  Well we ended up hanging out again last night, she came over and we just watched TV and talked.  We had a nice make out sesh.  She is really nice and I've enjoyed our two evenings together, but I can already tell she really likes me, and likes me a lot more than I like her.  She's been texting how happy she is and all this good stuff, which makes me feel good and all, but I'm not feeling it as much as she is.  She texted me after she got home saying its been a really long time since she kissed someone and hasn't gone on a date in a long time.  It's the first time that I am the more experienced one and I'm not used to that at all.  She also isnt from the area, or even NJ at all so she has no friends here which I am not holding against her, but it makes for a different dynamic than I am used to.  All in all, I had fun and I plan on seeing her again.  We actually just agreed to hang out again sunday night.  I have my concerns, but they aren't big enough to stop now since I barely even know her and I did enjoy my time with her, but I am already worried about hurting her if it doesn't work out just because of how much she seems to already like me and I would feel really bad knowing that the only person she hangs out with turned her down.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Harmony on June 03, 2015, 10:33:19 AM
So can't you just tell her that as much as you enjoy hanging out with her you aren't looking for anything serious right now?  It would seem to me that being upfront about how you feel would save a whole lot of misunderstanding down the road.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on June 03, 2015, 10:46:20 AM
So can't you just tell her that as much as you enjoy hanging out with her you aren't looking for anything serious right now?  It would seem to me that being upfront about how you feel would save a whole lot of misunderstanding down the road.

That is an option, but we haven't had that conversation yet which will likely be soon, but we only just started talking Saturday so it's all new and I am just going to let it flow for now and by Sunday night when we hang out again, we should have a better understanding of each other I would think. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on June 03, 2015, 02:46:18 PM
So can't you just tell her that as much as you enjoy hanging out with her you aren't looking for anything serious right now?  It would seem to me that being upfront about how you feel would save a whole lot of misunderstanding down the road.

That is an option, but we haven't had that conversation yet which will likely be soon, but we only just started talking Saturday so it's all new and I am just going to let it flow for now and by Sunday night when we hang out again, we should have a better understanding of each other I would think.

Just a thought, but... I'm not sure I would assume anything yet.  If you're having fun, continue having fun (assuming that the 'having fun' doesn't mean just boning her and telling her to "get out, I have somewhere to be".)  You're both adults and it's only been two dates.  As long as you both are treating each other as adults, and there's a reasonable level of honesty, I'm not sure there has to be anything more at this point, unless and until it's brought to a head (and I am old fashioned; I think "sleeping together" counts as "brought to a head").   

I can see it now:  "Well, that was a superior date number three, and while after date two, I felt like perhaps you liked me 34% more than I liked you, I may have been premature.  At this point, and pending any fellatio that may be involved in our goodnight make out session, I believe it could be that you like me only about 6% more than I like you."
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on June 03, 2015, 03:10:44 PM
 :lol definitely my plan since we are having fun, I was just expressing initial concerns which as I stated arent enough to make me stop or force a conversation just yet about it.  And no, we havent boned so its not like that.  We actually just had a convo about our past relationships.  Apparently we are both similar in that regards in that we were both very close to marriage and extremely unhappy and had to pull the plug.  It's always an awkward convo from my perspective in telling someone I am seeing that because I feel like they will think differently about me because I ended an engagement, but so far not a single woman has held that against me which is awesome  :tup
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Dr. DTVT on June 08, 2015, 08:59:16 PM
I thought I was going to be in this club forever.  I'm still here, but I just had the most astounding first date ever, and she pretty much said the same thing.  She's on par with me intellectually we had an amazing conversation and shared some good beers.  If we had the conversation we had online instead of in person, I'd swear I was being catfished.  If she gets home from work early enough tomorrow, we are going to do something.  And not that I care too much, but if we do end up dating, I will probably have the DTF record for outkicking my coverage (I won't say who I think has that current title, but I will say said person is married and probably doesn't tread in this thread).
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: JayOctavarium on June 08, 2015, 11:56:27 PM
Everyday I am reminded more and more of the reasons why my relationship fell into pieces. :sadpanda:
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on June 09, 2015, 05:57:57 AM
That's great DTVT, good luck with the second date!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/terri-trespicio/i-was-blindsided-after-tw_b_7447132.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592 (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/terri-trespicio/i-was-blindsided-after-tw_b_7447132.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592)

I found this article yesterday while browsing and thought maybe it relates to the discussions in this thread. 

Had my third date Sunday and it went really well, just hung out at my place and watched Game of Thrones and some other TV.  We had a lot of fun and she is going to come back over tonight.  The problem I have now is I am about to embark on 3 weeks of traveling (personal and work) and I don't want to be away for so long.  In the past, I always lose the girl one way or another when I travel
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on June 09, 2015, 06:54:41 AM
That's great DTVT, good luck with the second date!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/terri-trespicio/i-was-blindsided-after-tw_b_7447132.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592 (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/terri-trespicio/i-was-blindsided-after-tw_b_7447132.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592)

I found this article yesterday while browsing and thought maybe it relates to the discussions in this thread. 

Had my third date Sunday and it went really well, just hung out at my place and watched Game of Thrones and some other TV.  We had a lot of fun and she is going to come back over tonight.  The problem I have now is I am about to embark on 3 weeks of traveling (personal and work) and I don't want to be away for so long.  In the past, I always lose the girl one way or another when I travel

I hope everyone read the ANSWER as well as the title and the question.   Something I've said here more than once.   "Two dates" does not qualify as "blindsided".   

Anyway, hopefully you can figure out a way to make it work for you this time!  Practice makes perfect!
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on June 09, 2015, 07:10:24 AM
Agreed, the comments are also good on that article.  The botom line I took away though is you need to be able to accept rejection to be able to date.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: JayOctavarium on June 09, 2015, 12:46:42 PM
I think I am going to the movies with that one girl from work this weekend.

It's NOT a date of any kind... but still

I am stoked.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on June 09, 2015, 12:49:35 PM
I think I am going to the movies with that one girl from work this weekend.

It's NOT a date of any kind... but still

I am stoked.

I hope something like this doesn't happen.

(http://lolfunplanet.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/Friendzone-Level-worst-date-ever.jpg)
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: JayOctavarium on June 09, 2015, 12:52:50 PM
:lol

Luckily we aren't friends on Facebook so.... I doubt it...
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on June 09, 2015, 01:24:27 PM
Wow lol well at least she made that known albeit publicly
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: JayOctavarium on June 15, 2015, 07:48:22 AM
Last night was awesome. It was NOT a date .. but it was nice to hang out with a female and not feel as if I needed to walk on eggshells. She (my coworker) and I mesh well. She's the first person I have hung out with (within my age range) in a long time that I felt 99% relaxed with.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on June 15, 2015, 08:01:57 AM
Last night was awesome. It was NOT a date .. but it was nice to hang out with a female and not feel as if I needed to walk on eggshells. She (my coworker) and I mesh well. She's the first person I have hung out with (within my age range) in a long time that I felt 99% relaxed with.

Even if it was a date, you shouldn't feel the need to walk on eggshells.  Regardless, that's cool to make a new friend and have fun.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: JayOctavarium on June 15, 2015, 08:26:45 AM
I'm just used to a certain person who I still love dearly and would like to fix things with, but I have to walk on eggshells (I really can't think of a better term) most of the time when we are together.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on June 25, 2015, 10:45:19 AM
Well tomorrow I get to go home after my euro work trip and it looks like I actually was able to hold onto this girl while away.  We have plans to hang out at my place Saturday night since I think I am likely to just pass out as soon as I get home tomorrow.  She has actually been sending lots of naughty pictures and even videos to me while away which has kept me entertained  :hat
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on June 25, 2015, 06:21:54 PM
Rawr :eyebrows:

I have not talked to that guy since my birthday party on the 12th. It ended up being really awkward and he looked like he was about to burst into tears when he left. He wrote me a letter which I still haven't responded to. *sigh*
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: FlyingBIZKIT on July 19, 2015, 02:47:38 AM
Just met this incredible girl a few days ago. She came over to my house with some of my good friends and we all went swimming. Sure enough, we started having some good conversations and a little while after we left, she sent me a friend request on Facebook. We talked on there and then I got her number. We've been texting a bit these past few days and we just got done skyping for about 3 hours . I couldn't sleep and it was nice talking to her about anything. We are hanging out tomorrow. I'm going to pick her up at her house and meet her parents tomorrow, looking forward to that. Probably going to catch a movie and a burger afterwards.

She's just got a wonderful personality. Extremely funny and goofy, weird humor. I can probably talk to her about anything. I'm pretty attracted to her and I know she feels the same. Looking forward to seeing her again !
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on July 19, 2015, 08:44:54 AM
Thats awesome, the whole 3 hour convo felt like nothing is always a good sign.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: FlyingBIZKIT on July 19, 2015, 09:12:38 AM
I agree. I noticed talking to my ex it would get kind of boring, most of the stuff we would talk about would get old and repetitive but with the new girl, Rebecca, we could talk about the word pineapple for 15 minutes and make it fun.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: kingshmegland on July 19, 2015, 05:09:12 PM
Yes but talk about that pinapple for 24 years.  Lol
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on July 19, 2015, 05:44:58 PM
Yes but talk about that pinapple for 24 years.  Lol

 :lol
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: FlyingBIZKIT on July 20, 2015, 01:35:19 PM
Haha!

We had a great time yesterday. I met her parents and we went to see a movie and got some pizza for lunch. Very, very laid back and fun to be around. Complete goofball, and I admire it.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on July 20, 2015, 02:03:46 PM
Awesome... so I've been seeing the same girl for over a month now, but things have gotten pretty stale from my view.  She's a great girl in many ways and we haven't had any issues at all with getting along... but something is missing.  I just don't feel it.  I took her out for a nice dinner two weekends ago and when we sat at the table our convo was just very blah.  I dont know her well enough that we can't find things to talk about, but it just felt so dead.  So the week and weekend go by and we talk, but I significantly slowed down on texting and didn't offer to hang out at all, she offered but I couldn't that day.  So we ended up going to the 311 concert last Saturday, I had two tickets since like March but none of my friends could make it so back a few weeks ago I had offered for her to come so we went and once again, nothing was wrong with her, but things just seemed dull between us.  The concert was awesome and I had a good time, but when we got back to my place I told her I was tired and probably going to bed so she left, but that was honestly a lie.  I just didn't want to spend the rest of the night feeling like the way I felt at our dinner.  I actually wanted to tell her I thought this was going no where, but her Aunt had died a couple days before the concert and I didn't want to bring it up, she was also saying how she was so excited, so I didn't want to let her down.  Since then, she has posted numerous things on Facebook and IG about how she had so much fun with a great guy and all and it just makes me feel even worse that I don't share those same feelings.  I know what I need to do and I need to do it sooner than later, but it's not going to be easy.  Another factor that makes me feel bad is she is new to the area and doesn't really have friends here. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: nightmare_cinema on July 20, 2015, 02:09:59 PM
You just gotta rip it off like a plaster. There's no easy way to do it. But the faster, the better. Plus if it's only been a month or so if she has her wits about her she won't exactly be super invested or heartbroken, sure she'll be bummed and maybe a little upset if she really liked you but it won't have been the first time either she's not felt it with someone after a few weeks or someone has not felt it with her. That's what dating is all about, figuring if you're compatible. And if you're bored talking to her and would rather sleep than spend the night together, chances are even if she's trying to force it, she feels something is a little off herself.

She'll have noticed you slowed down on interest and texting and hanging out already so it probably won't be a huge shock. Honestly after a month if you haven't agreed on exclusivity I would just give her a call. It's not like you're dumping her, just telling her you don't want to take it any further, it doesn't warrant making it a bigger deal than it really is. Just decline her next offer to hang out, give her a call and tell her the old 'you're a great girl but I'm sure you have felt we just don't really have that chemistry we both deserve, best of luck and I'll see you around'. Gives her an out to agree with you to save face. Doesn't make false promises about being 'friends'. If after a month a guy took my time up to meet me just to tell me it wasn't working I'd think it was pretty strange and be more annoyed than if he just did the slow fade or called me up.

If you don't feel it, you don't feel it. Can't force it.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on July 20, 2015, 02:19:18 PM
Totally agree, but I dont think I can do the " I'm sure you have felt we just don't really have that chemistry we both deserve" since it seems she seems to be very into me.  She's been using social media to let me know it, constantly posting things that pretty much says she's really into me, which i actually do find very odd.  She has flat out said it to me as well, which I didn't return so I would have thought she'd get it along with the slow down in texting... but it hasnt seemed to be the case.  I was thinking about doing it last night, but she kept texting saying she had so much fun saturday night.  I got to find a good time this week to do it.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: FlyingBIZKIT on July 20, 2015, 07:48:47 PM
Cramx3,

That's such an uncomfortable situation to be in, as I've been in that several times, on both ends of the spectrum. I went to lunch with this girl a few months ago, during school, it was kinda awkward. Hard to really find anything to talk about, as you said, it felt stale. But I wanted to give it more of a chance, maybe we just needed to spend more time to get more comfortable around each other, but I guess she just didn't feel like going through it, so she completely ignored me and I never heard from her again :lol

Like it was said earlier, better to do it early than later, and it sucks to see that she is really into you so soon, when you aren't really feeling it. Definitely not an easy way to go about it, but telling her straight up is the best way. Give her a call and tell her you're just not feeling it. Yeah it may be a little blunt, but  straight honesty is important in a situation like this, IMO. I don't know if you'd still like to be friends with her at the least, or if it would make it too uncomfortable for her, but something should happen soon. Last thing you need is her awaiting a proposal from you :biggrin:
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on July 29, 2015, 01:00:16 PM
I ended it over the weekend.  Went well in my opinion, she said she noticed how I was slowly backing off so it wasn't a shock.  Glad to get that off my back so now I don't have that feeling over me. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: FlyingBIZKIT on July 29, 2015, 06:46:35 PM
I ended it over the weekend.  Went well in my opinion, she said she noticed how I was slowly backing off so it wasn't a shock.  Glad to get that off my back so now I don't have that feeling over me. 

Good. Relief is good.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: TioJorge on July 29, 2015, 07:09:47 PM
Jesus effing christ, Biscuit. First Todd, and now Nightcrawler.  :rollin :rollin You creepy-ass mofo.  :heart :heart :heart Great movie though.

But yeah, good on you, brohan. I had to do the same thing recently. When I went on my sabbatical, I kind of left things open ended with the girl I was seeing, and when I got back I just kind of told her that nothing changed, which I didn't think it would, but apparently she did. But it's better than getting into something that grows with my own feelings festering and then something even tougher is ahead if I want to be true to myself, which is always a must. It's always tough when feelings aren't reciprocated, on either end; but it's a necessary evil, as they say. I did feel bad about it for a couple weeks and feelings take a while to...even out... But it's better in the long run for everyone involved.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: FlyingBIZKIT on July 29, 2015, 07:31:07 PM
Jesus effing christ, Biscuit. First Todd, and now Nightcrawler.  :rollin :rollin You creepy-ass mofo.  :heart :heart :heart Great movie though.

I like to keep things interesting  :lol
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: TioJorge on July 29, 2015, 07:33:10 PM
Not to go too off-topic, but have you seen Enemy? It's a completely trippy, creepy, insane movie that will have you reeling in the best way possible if you like movies like Nightcrawler. By the end, I literally had my arms up in the "what the fuck!?" pose and yelling at my monitor "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?". It's great. Still don't get it in the slightest, but great.  :lol

Alright, back to the circle jerk.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: FlyingBIZKIT on July 29, 2015, 07:34:13 PM
Not to go too off-topic, but have you seen Enemy? It's a completely trippy, creepy, insane movie that will have you reeling in the best way possible if you like movies like Nightcrawler. By the end, I literally had my arms up in the "what the fuck!?" pose and yelling at my monitor "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?". It's great. Still don't get it in the slightest, but great.  :lol

Alright, back to the circle jerk.

Yes, dude Enemy is one of my favorite movies. I just saw it about a month ago. It's a mindfuck for sure.



Okay back on topic, lonely hearts.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: DebraKadabra on July 29, 2015, 10:37:10 PM
Still firmly in the LHC, but I had a pretty important revelation about myself last week--I believe that I had been blocking myself from finding someone with qualities similar to my father (it's been said that the person/people you fall in and stay in love with have similar qualities with the parent you identify with the most) because I felt I deserved people who share qualities with she who calls herself my mother. It was kind of shocking, but not really surprising tbh.
 
I've been talking with a fair amount of men folk, but nothing's really come of it. I have taken the opportunity to go out a little more - I have 3 very good gal friends who I also work with, and we go out to eat once a month to a restaurant none of us have ever been to. We've had a total blast so far, and July's get-together (which was last Saturday) prompted talk of the four of us getting a blog together to dish over our dining experiences. I'm probably going to be the one setting that up since I'm the most tech-savvy of the group LOL  :biggrin:
 
Really just taking some down time and trying to work some stuff out of my head that's been there for way too long.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Cedar redaC on July 29, 2015, 11:35:13 PM
I went on a date a last week with this girl I really like. We've known each other for a while, and went on a couple of dates before I left on my mission. While I was gone, she would write me every couple of months over the two years I was gone (we're talking international snail mail here). No one else outside of my immediate family did that. Since I returned to America, we've seen each other pretty frequently. I feel really good about her, but I'm still trying to figure out where to go from here.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on July 30, 2015, 05:54:31 AM
Debra, good for you for getting out more.  I think that's important when you are in the LHC. 

I went on a date a last week with this girl I really like. We've known each other for a while, and went on a couple of dates before I left on my mission. While I was gone, she would write me every couple of months over the two years I was gone (we're talking international snail mail here). No one else outside of my immediate family did that. Since I returned to America, we've seen each other pretty frequently. I feel really good about her, but I'm still trying to figure out where to go from here.

This sounds surreal to me, like something from a movie in the 60s.  If a girl can stick around for you that long and write you snail mail, that says something.  I can't keep a girl when I go on two week business trips while still being in contact the entire time.

Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on July 30, 2015, 07:25:06 AM
Debra, good for you for getting out more.  I think that's important when you are in the LHC. 

I went on a date a last week with this girl I really like. We've known each other for a while, and went on a couple of dates before I left on my mission. While I was gone, she would write me every couple of months over the two years I was gone (we're talking international snail mail here). No one else outside of my immediate family did that. Since I returned to America, we've seen each other pretty frequently. I feel really good about her, but I'm still trying to figure out where to go from here.

This sounds surreal to me, like something from a movie in the 60s.  If a girl can stick around for you that long and write you snail mail, that says something.  I can't keep a girl when I go on two week business trips while still being in contact the entire time.

I'm honestly curious about that; why do you think that is?   
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on July 30, 2015, 07:38:49 AM
Debra, good for you for getting out more.  I think that's important when you are in the LHC. 

I went on a date a last week with this girl I really like. We've known each other for a while, and went on a couple of dates before I left on my mission. While I was gone, she would write me every couple of months over the two years I was gone (we're talking international snail mail here). No one else outside of my immediate family did that. Since I returned to America, we've seen each other pretty frequently. I feel really good about her, but I'm still trying to figure out where to go from here.

This sounds surreal to me, like something from a movie in the 60s.  If a girl can stick around for you that long and write you snail mail, that says something.  I can't keep a girl when I go on two week business trips while still being in contact the entire time.

I'm honestly curious about that; why do you think that is?

Could be many things, but none of those were relationships, just a girl I was seeing and usually not for a long time.  I figure it is because if I am not actually physically there then their interest lessens.  From conversing on these trips, I usually don't notice anything different other than talking a bit less due to time zone changes.  I wouldn't be surprised if some of these girls had another guy they were also seeing/talking to and me being away leaves them going for the other guy instead.  Really just guesses.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Dr. DTVT on July 30, 2015, 08:29:29 PM
I went on a date a last week with this girl I really like. We've known each other for a while, and went on a couple of dates before I left on my mission. While I was gone, she would write me every couple of months over the two years I was gone (we're talking international snail mail here). No one else outside of my immediate family did that. Since I returned to America, we've seen each other pretty frequently. I feel really good about her, but I'm still trying to figure out where to go from here.

Time to buy the magic underwear  ;D
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on August 03, 2015, 06:16:58 PM
Okay, I need to vent. This is going to be super long so I don't expect anybody to read it, but I just needed to get it out because I have nobody to talk to at the moment.

So I broke things off with that guy back in early June. We had one talk after that where it became clear to me that he had the wrong idea about the situation (he was talking about "fighting" for me and all this other stuff, but things had fizzled out long before I ended it)... then we saw each other at my birthday party (it was awkward) and he wrote me that letter (which was awkward to read). I decided rather than replying to him in print (it felt more like he was just trying to get closure than expecting a letter in response), I would just send him a text thanking him for sharing his feelings in it. He thanked me for reaching out and said we should have a sit-down when I was ready. Then he said "I know I said when you're ready, but it would help me if it was sooner rather than later."  :\
I asked him why (because we'd already had two sit-downs and he wrote me a fucking closure letter) and he said because he still had a few questions and we also still had books that belonged to each other. So I agreed to meet with him for a short period, even though I didn't really want to or think it was necessary and felt like I was being guilted into it. Turns out he was feeling insecure because of some shit I posted on Facebook that had literally ZERO to do with him. He also shared that he was still clinging onto the hope that I just needed some time and would come back (which sounded like he was trying to bait me), but I shot that down. We left that talk on good terms saying that we wanted to still be friends but it would be a while and we both needed space. A week or so later he texted saying he thought I still had a book of his (I had looked for it but couldn't find it initially), and it turns out I did, so that was that. We never set up a time for an exchange to take place, but I had figured I could bring it to the video store sometime (that's where he works/where we met).

So, fast-forward to this past Friday night. Out of the blue he texts me "Just a heads up, I'm working ____'s usual shift tomorrow."
Me: "Okay?"
Him: "I just figured you might want to know in case you were thinking of stopping by. Didn't want you to be unpleasantly surprised."

This rubbed me the wrong way for multiple reasons. First of all, we're fucking adults, dude. You don't need to text me your fucking work schedule. We're broken up. I've only been to the store a few times in the last couple months because I've been busy and I moved farther away from it, but I will admit that I have considered his schedule and avoided making things awkward. However, I thought we had laid shit to rest and were good. If I show up when he's working, the world isn't going to explode. Plus I have his book, and we're not hanging out anytime soon.
Also, this text felt very much like he was projecting his own shit onto me and saying he didn't want me there when he was working. I was busy (and a bit tipsy) when I got the message Friday and had a crazy busy weekend so I didn't really have time to think about it, but this morning when I had time to reflect on things, I was pissed- for the aforementioned reasons, and also because I don't want him fucking texting me every time his schedule changes. That's just absurd. So I decided not to let it go and texted him this morning. I told him I thought it was a weird text to send, that it made me uncomfortable and that it seemed like he just didn't want me at the store. He said "You've obviously avoided coming in when I'm there. Yeah, seeing you at work isn't good for me right now, but it was said out of genuine concern of not wanting you to have an undue surprise at my presence."

Bull-fucking-shit, "genuine concern"- maybe for himself.
I went off on him a bit and told him not to tell me what I've "obviously" done, that I didn't want him to notify me when his schedule changes, that I haven't been going to the store nearly as much since I moved (I also threw something snippy in here about how he knows that because he's apparently keeping track of when I come into the store) and have been thinking about canceling my subscription anyway, so he didn't have to worry about me coming in. (I admit that there was a nugget of truth in there and that was partially what set me off, but I mostly just felt like he was full of shit and being melodramatic. Also I was a bit weirded out by him acting like he knew when I was in the store, because in the past if I came in when he wasn't working he would pull up my rental history and know what I rented before I told him, shit like that.)

He then clearly misunderstood some of what I said and wrote some self-pitying crap about him grieving, and me making him feel guilty and putting a lot of blame on him that he doesn't deserve.

I tried to clarify the thing he misunderstood and said I was responding to him saying I was "obviously" avoiding him (which wasn't really the case, not at this point) and couldn't he understand why it might hit a nerve to be told by somebody else that you're "obviously" doing something without them ever asking or trying to clarify?

He said "Do you really want me out of your life?"

I said "I think we're having two different conversations," because his last two texts didn't make sense in the context.

He then tried to clarify what he meant, still not understanding what I had meant (this is why texting is stupid). He said I was being hostile, that he felt attacked and hurt by what I said. I told him he needed to go back and re-read what I had written, because he was missing what I had been trying to say (I used the word "done" in a totally different context, and he thought I thought he said we were "done"- I have honestly no idea where he got it from, maybe he wasn't fully awake yet but if I typed out all of the texts you guys would see what I mean).
I said I wasn't being hostile, I was being direct, and I told him I thought it was silly for him to text me his schedule change, and that I didn't want him to do that.
Then I got the ultimate victim response: "Man, you jumped on me with this before I had my first cigarette. If you wanted to be direct, you had two days to do it before you decided to bring it up right when I'd just be waking up. This is a horrible start to a day. I feel ambushed."

Really? Ambushed? How the FUCK am I supposed to know when he wakes up, and when he's had his first cigarette? What in the actual fuck? How fucking self-centered and deluded does a person have to be? I mean, I knew he was kind of a man-child in some ways, but really? Like this was some plot against him, for me to tell him how I felt about something and RUIN HIS DAY. I basically said the above in my response, and told him I didn't have time to respond to him over the weekend, also that sometimes things take longer to process and there's no time limit to be able to reply to somebody. I had time to think about it this morning, I was feeing a certain way, so I put it out there. I told him he could choose to feel ambushed and act like a victim or be an adult and own up to the fact that he said something that rubbed me the wrong way, and that I have the right to respond to it. I told him it doesn't have to be a big melodrama, and it's not all about him.

I know that some of the things I said were abrasive, but IMO none of it warranted the melodramatic whining spectacle that followed. Really all I wanted was an "Okay, I can see how you might find that weird. I was trying to avoid an uncomfortable situation, but I won't text you my work schedule again." It was the "obviously" thing that set me off- why did it have to go there? If I believed he had "genuine" concern for my feelings in the matter it might be different, but I honestly don't think he does, based on many of his actions and his inability to see things outside of his own little bubble. The fact that he brought his cigarette and sleep schedule into this says a lot, I think. It's all about him.

He never really apologized (he rarely does) but said he didn't mean to upset me, I thanked him and we left it at that.

Blah, I dunno, I just needed to get that out.

tl:dr: I argued with my ex about stupid shit and maybe we won't be friends after all.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: kingshmegland on August 03, 2015, 06:32:03 PM
Cut the cord.  He'll be happy in time.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: TioJorge on August 03, 2015, 06:37:26 PM
That sounds like a big, juicy shit sandwich, lady! I've very rarely been friends with exes after a breakup; I've only had one that was just kinda like "Yeah, we're not working as a couple, but we still keep good company so let's keep bein' friends". It was most of the time that weirdly forced, like almost obligatory "Oh yeah, let's still be friends" bullshit. I just don't think that once that kind of degrading begins, if it does, the one where the fighting is a huge debacle like that (usually, in my experience anyway, over mundane things), that two people can't really go back and just pretend that they haven't been through all that shit.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on August 03, 2015, 10:16:26 PM
See, I am friendly with most of my exes. We're not close, but there is really only one I can think of that I would never ever interact with unless I was forced. I know it would take time for us to get to that point, if we ever do, but I think our common interests, etc. could lead to a friendship in the future (he is pretty close with at least one ex that I know of so I know he's not the type to just burn all bridges unless she's a psycho). However, his overdramatizing the situation is not helping. I wish he could just let it be and let things happen naturally rather than doing shit like what he did. I'm definitely just not going to communicate with him right now. Debating the whole Facebook thing.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Nick on August 03, 2015, 11:23:03 PM
Dude best watch himself, bad shit happens to those who cross Jackie...

(http://www.wpapu.com/images/JackieWTF.jpg)
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on August 04, 2015, 05:30:58 AM
Cut the cord.  He'll be happy in time.

This.  Sounds like he was really hurt in the break up and is just doing anything he can told onto something.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on August 04, 2015, 05:45:11 AM
He said I was being hostile, that he felt attacked and hurt by what I said.

Couldn't help not replying.  Hahaha.

Couple things struck me when reading that; he strikes me as a very immature person.   Smart, smart enough to know the buzzwords and technique ("I'm feeling attacked") but not smart enough or mature enough to apply those appropriately to himself.   Everything you wrote that he said was about him.  Not one mention of ever being in any way truly aware of your feelings.

His "closure" is not your problem.  Personally (and I've discussed this with my therapist in the past; we sort of see eye-to-eye on this), "closure" is like "the journey"; a buzzword thrown out by people who don't know what the fuck they are talking about.  He may be trying for closure, but the prolonged contact and continued misreading of the situation (by him) isn't "closing" anything.  If it was me, I would stop trying to be a nice person and rip the bandaid; no contact as long as it is going to be this draining, futile back and forth that is only feeding his misconception of the world around him.   He may be a very nice guy, but he is clearly on a different page than you (and the disjointed texts are just a metaphoric indication of that) and it's not your job to correct his misconception.  Maybe you can have a better relationship when he grows up a little.

(My daughter and I were watching the last season of "Big Brother" [Derek won] and every time someone got voted off they talked about the "journey", and finally I said to her, "the journey?  Only losers talk about the journey.  Watch at the end, I bet you a One Direction CD that the winnder doesn't mention anything about a "journey".  Sure enough, Derek wins, and pffft.  No mention of any "journey".) 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on August 04, 2015, 05:51:44 AM
Good point about "closure"  I often feel like this is a term used by the dumped to continue talking to the dumper.  My x did this constantly after we finally broke up.  Always wanting "closure" even though I had spent over a year talking to her about why the relationship would never work and why I was unhappy.  At some point there just isn't anymore to talk about and there cannot be anymore "closure" but just move on. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on August 04, 2015, 06:20:25 AM
The need for closure is nothing more than people's inability to cope with reality.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: kingshmegland on August 04, 2015, 06:25:44 AM
The need for closure is nothing more than people's inability to cope with reality.

Yet the other needs to cut the cord so there is no hope so the person can move on.  Well, that's for most.  Some can be friends.  I for one couldn't.  I wanted to rip off that bandaid right away.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on August 04, 2015, 04:21:48 PM
Dude best watch himself, bad shit happens to those who cross Jackie...


 :rollin

Judas!

Cut the cord.  He'll be happy in time.

This.  Sounds like he was really hurt in the break up and is just doing anything he can told onto something.

I think that's probably an accurate conclusion. It became very clear at a certain point that he was WAY more into the relationship than I was and I knew I needed to end it because he was going to get hurt no matter what.

The need for closure is nothing more than people's inability to cope with reality.

I mostly agree with this. I think there are situations where it's great if you can get some, but then people also use it as a tactic to keep somebody around, like cram mentioned.


Couple things struck me when reading that; he strikes me as a very immature person.   Smart, smart enough to know the buzzwords and technique ("I'm feeling attacked") but not smart enough or mature enough to apply those appropriately to himself.   Everything you wrote that he said was about him.  Not one mention of ever being in any way truly aware of your feelings.

His "closure" is not your problem.  Personally (and I've discussed this with my therapist in the past; we sort of see eye-to-eye on this), "closure" is like "the journey"; a buzzword thrown out by people who don't know what the fuck they are talking about.  He may be trying for closure, but the prolonged contact and continued misreading of the situation (by him) isn't "closing" anything.  If it was me, I would stop trying to be a nice person and rip the bandaid; no contact as long as it is going to be this draining, futile back and forth that is only feeding his misconception of the world around him.   He may be a very nice guy, but he is clearly on a different page than you (and the disjointed texts are just a metaphoric indication of that) and it's not your job to correct his misconception.  Maybe you can have a better relationship when he grows up a little.


Thank you- this is very helpful and true. He is a very intelligent, "book smart" kind of person but he is very emotionally immature. Quite frankly I think he's been coddled a shit-ton and never quite grew up in that sense, probably because he lost his mom as a teen and his dad felt like he had to protect him. Who knows, but yeah... somebody who drinks as much as he does also definitely has emotional issues.
And yeah, it is definitely all about him. When we were together he made it seem like it was all about trying to make me happy, but at the same time I think that was just so HE could stay happy by staying in a relationship, yknow? He said on multiple occasions that I made him a better person and all of this stuff, but I think he just liked having somebody to distract him from his own shit.

Anyway, I think you're totally right on with this and we need to not talk for a long time. Now the question is do I just ignore him or actually send him a message saying I think we need to not be in contact? I do still have his book and I don't want to be an asshole about that, but maybe I can just leave it at the store when I know he won't be there... because yes, I am definitely avoiding his shifts now.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on August 04, 2015, 04:50:57 PM
I say leave the book at the store, leave a sealed note in the book saying that there is no other reason for contact now so you would wish for him to respect that boundary for now and best of luck in the future.

Keep it simple and move on.  You shouldn't have to be dwelling on it anymore and that's what he wants you to do.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on August 04, 2015, 05:57:33 PM
^^^ That's not what I would have come up with on first glance, but I like that better.  That may be your plan, right there!
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on August 05, 2015, 08:41:40 AM
Yeah, that's a good idea. Thanks, guys. He is normally off on Wednesdays so I'm going to try and stop in today since I'll be in that area.

Edit: I did stop in and leave his book with the guy working. I put a simple sealed note inside just saying I think we shouldn't talk right now. I also unfriended him on Facebook. We never talk on there anyway, and less chance of him seeing something I post and thinking it's about him... again. Weird though because he's friends with my mom on there  :lol
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: sylvan on August 06, 2015, 11:04:54 AM
Before I make my long post, I just wanna say that even just reading through this discussion is therapeutic. I see myself at points in my life in some other people's tales. Good luck to everybody getting the fuck out of this terrible club sooner rather than later  :yarr
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: sylvan on August 06, 2015, 11:05:59 AM
Hey there people, long time member of the club trying to get out of it for the first time, ever. Iím 31, went on my first real date about two months ago. I think most people would be surprised by my complete lack of experience with women. Iím a personal trainer, in great shape, very smart, funny, and I have supreme confidence in everything I do in my life. Except I have crippling anxiety when it comes to approaching women with that intent. I was literally off the field and out of the game for the entirety of my 20ís. No big deal though, I wasnít the person I wanted to be. I decided to try online dating so as to remove that initial anxiety. I have no problem talking to women in general, itís just the cold approach.

So I decided to message a woman that lives in another city about an hour away. I had no hopes or expectations, just maybe someone to talk to and if we hit it off, maybe meet somewhere in the middle. So I get a message back from her and we message online a little. Since she was not close and I had no real hopes or expectations, I took the direct and honest approach. Dating games are tough, people say they donít want to play them but it happens anyway, why canít people just be honest with what theyíre thinking, etc. We had the quick howíd you end up on a dating site chat. I mentioned that my anxiety with approaching women comes from my not knowing what they think of me. Her response was ďIím waiting for you to ask me on a date.Ē  I asked her if sheís usually so forward with guys, demanding dateís and such. ďNo lol, I would rather the guy be assertive honestly, but you said you do not like games and want to know what I am thinking, right? So I will give you the benefit of the doubt. I felt like you might be worried about asking me, thatís why I told you I was waiting.Ē

The first date went great. We met for dinner, sat around for a while, then got some coffee and walked around the city. The connection felt good, we weíre both seemingly comfortable, and she even got pretty personal and vulnerable. It felt like she trusted me. As the date was ending and we were going our separate ways, we both said we had a great time, wanna do it again, and she said she wasnít going to demand a second date, Iíd have to ask this time. No guarantee, but I felt good about it. She texted me when she got home and told me she had a great time.

We talk some the next day. I tell her I had a great time and would love to do it again. Her response, ďListen I enjoyed hanging out with you... but to be honest I am worried about running into a situation again like my ex. Also, I always feel pressure like with the next date we will have to be physical in some way I am not ready for. Would you be willing to get to know each other as friends for the time being?Ē I ask her to elaborate, but no response. Her exís were apparently users who were never really fully in the relationship the way she was, and two guys took up 7 years of her life. I sent her a long message online, about how I never expected anything, and I hope I didnít do anything to make her feel pressure in some way. I told her what I really think of her and why Iím interested in finding out more. She texts me the next day and said my message was sweet. ďMaybe I am scared. I have definitely not had the easiest relationships.Ē

Date 2 and 3 were good. No pressure from me, but the tone of the meetings was definitely ďdateĒ. We talked more about personal things, even some sex talk. After date 3, she went to Canada for two weeks for business. She travels for business a lot. I didnít want to bother her, so I would send an innocuous text every couple of days, but never really get responses. I hear from her on the weekend and she went into another city for some exploring. She said she would try to send me some pics, but never did. She then texts me at the end of the week that she was back. She later texts me out of no where asking if Iíd ever be interested in going to this spring/cavern sometime. I said yes. I ask her on Friday if she wants to do something this weekend. She says sheís tired from traveling and wants to be a couch potato, unless I want to come down and just see a movie or something. I said sure, letís plan something. No response. I text her on Sat to tell her I hurt my back and was laid up, so letís chat sometime. No response. On Sunday, I decided to skip all the bs and ask if sheíd be up for me coming down to her and taking her out someplace nice. I really wanted to show her what I thought of her. She says ďSorry I didnít get back to you, Iíve been busy running errands. I would love for you to do that, but I actually leave for Canada for another two weeks tomorrow. So it might have to wait until after I return, would that be alright?Ē I said thatís totally alright, I get it, I just want to interact more, especially if sheís gonna be gone for weeks at a time.
Her: ďI do know you want more interaction, and I am sorry. This is my job and my life right now. Until mid Sept I will be gone for two week chunks. So it makes it that much more difficult to text to know. I am sorry, I just canít really give you that much more right now, honestly.Ē
Me: ďI can deal with that. It just leaves me mostly uncertain about what you want.Ē
Her: ďWhen I am alone, I reflect a lot about life. Last weekend I was alone in Ottawa and I realized something - that even though I have been single for 5 months I am still not ready for a relationship and maybe also not ready to date. I donít want to hurt you, but my heart just is not ready. So if you can be friends and deal with the ambiguity of when we could see each other again then I understand and appreciate that! But if you canít then I understand that too.Ē
Me: ďIíve also thought a lot. I feel like Iím in a perfectly reasonable state of mind when I say I want to find out how compatible we are. I was honest when I said I donít wanna move fast. But, I do wanna move in a certain direction. Slow is fine, but ambiguous is tough.Ē

No response. I ask her if we can speak on the phone to avoid any miscommunication. No response. One last text asking her not to leave me hanging the night before she leaves for Canada for two weeks, asking her if she still feels pressure or if she expects me to use this as an easy way out. No response. I had a feeling that she might just be saying whatever to not continue seeing me without saying so much, but she did deactivate her dating profile. I have no real reason to not believe what she is saying. Other than her expressing her reservations, everything else adds up to her being into me in some way.

Sheís been in Canada since Sunday, and I havenít texted her yet. I was gonna send her a short ďHiĒ based text this coming weekend, something to let her know that I still want to talk to her. Iím not saying Iím in love, I donít feel slighted or that she owes me anything, and Iím not depressed by the fact that I havenít heard from her since then. Itís actually been easier not hearing from her because I donít expect to hear from her. It was tough before because I expected her to want to talk to me, and found myself constantly wondering why my phone wasnít lighting up with her text. Thatís not healthy.
-How do I relay to her that Iím interested in the potential chemistry we might have and am okay with moving slowly without seeming desperate? Iím not so short sighted at this point to ignore the potential for finding what I want in the long term in favor of moving on to find someone that wants to hop in the sack.

-Whatís the best way to let her know that Iím in a positive place about this? I feel like she needs to know that Iím saying what Iím saying from a place of optimism, not depression.

-When should I contact her? Now? Weekend (Saturday? Sunday?)?

-Should I send her an email? I feel like thereís so many things that need to be said, by both of us, and maybe some things that need to be heard. I think those things should be said in person, but how do I make that meeting happen? Am I in possession of a valuable piece of information that she needs to hear?

-Should I see her emotional reservations as red flags? Not so much how she feels towards me. I think she does like me, which is why sheís apprehensive. More so, are these just normal amounts of ďbaggageĒ to have, or is this a sign of emotional damage? It hasnít felt like the latter with the way sheís opened up.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on August 06, 2015, 11:31:26 AM

-How do I relay to her that Iím interested in the potential chemistry we might have and am okay with moving slowly without seeming desperate? Iím not so short sighted at this point to ignore the potential for finding what I want in the long term in favor of moving on to find someone that wants to hop in the sack.

-Whatís the best way to let her know that Iím in a positive place about this? I feel like she needs to know that Iím saying what Iím saying from a place of optimism, not depression.

-When should I contact her? Now? Weekend (Saturday? Sunday?)?

-Should I send her an email? I feel like thereís so many things that need to be said, by both of us, and maybe some things that need to be heard. I think those things should be said in person, but how do I make that meeting happen? Am I in possession of a valuable piece of information that she needs to hear?

-Should I see her emotional reservations as red flags? Not so much how she feels towards me. I think she does like me, which is why sheís apprehensive. More so, are these just normal amounts of ďbaggageĒ to have, or is this a sign of emotional damage? It hasnít felt like the latter with the way sheís opened up.

My advice, which may have little to no value, I don't think you should reach out to her anymore.  If she has been ignoring your messages already, then I think it is time to lay it to rest.  I think you had already told her your position in going slow, but not being ambiguous.  I personally think it's very odd for someone to say they want that, and to me that is a red flag.  I can't tell if that is her way of "ending" things, by saying something like that because I do not know her or the context of how she said it, and then to follow it up without responding.  Sounds like she is making excuses every step of the way, which is another red flag.  Honestly, I think you should move on.  If you really like her and SHE initiates conversation with you again, then maybe see where it goes, but I don't think you should continue putting effort and emotion into her.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: jonnybaxy on August 06, 2015, 05:21:55 PM
Regarding Jackie's posts,

I've seen myself on the other end of the side of that a few times and yes being unexpectedly 'dumped' is never a good thing, but I have a problem with break-ups apparently, I struggle to get over them and find the following months/year emotionally crippling,

As mentioned the best thing to do is to just part ways as I spent ages trying to get back with a girl, then gave up saying I don't want to speak as it is only hurting (yes I really am that 'weak').

Following that she kept texting me every few weeks/months, which I've done a quick reply, then nothing, cutting the ties holding you back really helps I've found rather than trying to rung back and looking pathetic.



"sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees"
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on August 07, 2015, 06:02:54 AM
Sylvan, just wanted to add that I am sorry if my post was a bit blunt.  That was just my opinion on the situation.  I have found that most of the women I have interacted with or met from online dating sites have been somewhat sketchy.  Almost every girl I talked to has tried to pull me along on some bs that this girl seems to have done to you.  Do you know how many times I chatted with a girl and things seemed awesome and then they just randomly stop? Or, this literally just happened, I matched with a girl on Tinder, we chatted for like a week, she gave me her number and then never responded to me again.  Another girl I matched with on tinder was similar, chatted with me and then stopped. I told her "it seems you aren't interested so I will back off, but I thought you seemed nice and I find you attractive, if you'd ever like to meet up and talk more let me know, otherwise good luck with your future" and her response is "oh no, thats not the case, here facebook me and lets chat there" only to be ignored after becoming facebook friends.  These are just the two most recent examples.  Part of me thinks these girls just like the attention, but I honestly have no clue wtf is going on most of the time. 

Anyway, I seem to have a stalker now.  About 6 months ago a girl on okcupid started talking to me.  I responded nicely and over time we had some conversations.  I wasn't initially interested, but as we talked more I thought she seemed cool.  I got her number and we texted a lot for about a week back then.  We agreed to meet, but the night of meeting she cancelled on me.  I told her that is a big no no for me, I hate playing these games so I told her I wasn't interested anymore.  I find my time to be valuable so I don't like plans being broken on me last second. Either way she felt bad and all so I started feeling bad and said fine, pick a time and place you want to meet this week and I will be there.  She never did and so I stopped talking to her.  A couple months went by and she texted me out of the blue.  I happened to have been at the Nightwish concert at the moment and was drunk so I talked back.  The next day she started texting and I realized I did not want to start this again so I stopped talking to her, again.  So... last weekend, once again I was at a concert, Sublime with Rome, and she facebook requests me which I found really odd.  We hadnt talked in a few months and she found me on facebook (I don't think I am that hard to find, but still).  I was once again a bit drunk so I accepted her friendship after a couple hours of pondering about it.  She immediately started talking to me and said she was sorry and really wanted to meet up.  I actually agreed to (I am not so sure why I did this, probably my mistake) and now we are scheduled to have a drink this afternoon (I have a summer half day and she is off since she is a teacher).  But I really dont think I want to meet this girl.  I've got a lot of things to take care of today after work since I am headed to Rochester for a wedding Saturday so I know it was wrong of me to commit to this, but I think I am going to cancel on her, which is exactly what I didn't like that she did to me. 

The point I am actually making is, the same sketchiness that the girls do to me, I apparently am doing to this girl too.  I am starting to think this is how online dating works sometimes.  My intentions were not bad, but I feel like I am exactly the type of person I dislike on these sites, in this particular case.  Maybe it has to do with being the one that is being chased vs. being the chaser, which gives you more leverage when someone is more interested in you.  I guess this was my Friday morning revelation lol
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: sylvan on August 07, 2015, 11:55:20 AM
Blunt is what I need, not some sugar coated bullshit. Perspective! I mostly agree. If our last contact was me asking her to not leave me hanging, and she does, then I don't need to be the next one to initiate contact. There's a huge part of me that wants to wait and see if she contacts me sometime. But that's the thing, to say that she doesn't have the time to send me a short and simple text, friendly if you will, is ridiculous. Maybe I'll hear from her, maybe not.

But what if I don't want to leave it up to chance? Is her contacting me the difference between her wanting to continue or not? What if my complete lack of contact, even in a friendly direction, influences her perception of how I feel towards her? Even though I've made it clear, she might see this whole thing as something that could change that, but it hasn't necessarily. I would hate for this to just abruptly end because I was too prideful and she had the wrong perception.

On you're other point, yeah, what's up with people starting good conversations, even exchanging numbers, and then ignoring you? People are wierd.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on August 07, 2015, 01:48:24 PM
I think you are thinking too much into it.  I say move on, if she comes back then cool, if not, you will find someone better.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on August 07, 2015, 01:52:32 PM
But what if I don't want to leave it up to chance? Is her contacting me the difference between her wanting to continue or not?

Yes.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: sylvan on August 07, 2015, 04:23:05 PM
But what if I don't want to leave it up to chance? Is her contacting me the difference between her wanting to continue or not?

Yes.

Lawyered!

But for real, I think I just needed to hear it from someone else. It's all out there. I don't need to say the same things again. It's up to her at this point.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on August 10, 2015, 08:52:28 AM
I just moved into my new house with my new bride, who I met on an online dating service.   I also just spent more time on the phone in the last two weeks with my brother than I have in the last year, as he dealt with much the same issue with his fiancť. 

I think you are looking at this too one-sided.  She has been clear as a bell, just not in the way you wanted.   (By the way, there's a GREAT book called "The Languages of Love" or something like that, and it talks about how people communicate their love and desire in different ways. Some people are "words" people; some people are "action" people.  And much like it is foolhardy to go to Germany and expect everyone to just start talking English for you, it is equally foolhardy to expect a woman to immediately communicate the way YOU do.   Perhaps that is what you need for "compatibility", but I know for me, as long as I know she loves me, I don't care if I know because she tells me, because she gives me handjobs, or because she just doesn't leave.   

She clearly said (at least based on your words) that she wanted to hang out.  She wanted you to accept the ambiguity, and she was clear that she was burned by "giving in" (and no, I don't just mean physically) too soon in the past.   Short of hearing what you want to hear the way you want to hear it, I'm not sure what more you can expect.   She IS being clear, just in a different language so to speak.  If you don't want to put in the effort (which is fine, but you waited 13 years, I'm not sure why a couple months matters now, especially since you can date others too if you are so inclined.) then bail.  If you do, then go along with the ambiguity for a spell and see what happens.   

I know for me, we got to know each other over the course of about six months or so, but it was ALWAYS clear that there was no future if her children and I didn't hit it off (and her youngest has behavioral issues, so that wasn't a given) and she wasn't introducing me until the rest of it was in place (since she didn't want a parade of men coming through her children's lives).   It was up to me to take or leave, and I took it.  We're now married and happier than ever. 

Having said that, there IS a lot of BS on the dating websites.   There are a lot of women (and I'm sure a lot of men) who say one thing and do another.    My enduring question is whether they even realize it. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Lynxo on August 10, 2015, 10:32:32 AM
I'd hate to go off on a tangent here but...what the fuck is up with hand jobs? I've only ever heard americans mention it. A hand job has gotta be the stupidest thing I've ever heard off. If I'm with someone, I'd rather have her do something to me that I can't do to myself. No thank you, I'd rather jerk off to a magazine. I mean, I've practiced all my life - I know what I like MUCH better than you, believe me! :biggrin:
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on August 10, 2015, 10:37:37 AM
I'd hate to go off on a tangent here but...what the fuck is up with hand jobs? I've only ever heard americans mention it. A hand job has gotta be the stupidest thing I've ever heard off. If I'm with someone, I'd rather have her do something to me that I can't do to myself. No thank you, I'd rather jerk off to a magazine. I mean, I've practiced all my life - I know what I like MUCH better than you, believe me! :biggrin:


I absolutely love handjobs. A good handjob/blowjob combo > sex.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: FlyingBIZKIT on August 10, 2015, 10:39:40 AM
I love jobs in general. Working from 9-5pm gets me going. and the money? Oh lord. :o
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Lynxo on August 10, 2015, 10:43:50 AM
I'd hate to go off on a tangent here but...what the fuck is up with hand jobs? I've only ever heard americans mention it. A hand job has gotta be the stupidest thing I've ever heard off. If I'm with someone, I'd rather have her do something to me that I can't do to myself. No thank you, I'd rather jerk off to a magazine. I mean, I've practiced all my life - I know what I like MUCH better than you, believe me! :biggrin:


I absolutely love handjobs. A good handjob/blowjob combo > sex.
Well yeah, but that's an entirely different thing. :lol I'm talking about hand jobs only.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on August 10, 2015, 11:04:15 AM
I'd hate to go off on a tangent here but...what the fuck is up with hand jobs? I've only ever heard americans mention it. A hand job has gotta be the stupidest thing I've ever heard off. If I'm with someone, I'd rather have her do something to me that I can't do to myself. No thank you, I'd rather jerk off to a magazine. I mean, I've practiced all my life - I know what I like MUCH better than you, believe me! :biggrin:


I absolutely love handjobs. A good handjob/blowjob combo > sex.
Well yeah, but that's an entirely different thing. :lol I'm talking about hand jobs only.

I'm still completely content with handjobs only. I think they are fantastic. There's nothing wrong with a good old fashion every now and then.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: MoraWintersoul on August 10, 2015, 12:07:41 PM
I'm glad not all men think like Lynxo :yarr
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on August 10, 2015, 12:17:05 PM
I'm glad not all men think like Lynxo :yarr

Just because I have the ability to get on a ladder clean my gutters out in the spring doesn't mind I don't mind kicking back and watching someone else do it for me.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on August 10, 2015, 12:17:54 PM
Nothing wrong with a good HJ, especially if the woman is really into it.  All depends on the technique, a good HJ is better than a bad BJ.  And a bad HJ is still better than no HJ. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on August 10, 2015, 03:03:16 PM
I'd hate to go off on a tangent here but...what the fuck is up with hand jobs? I've only ever heard americans mention it. A hand job has gotta be the stupidest thing I've ever heard off. If I'm with someone, I'd rather have her do something to me that I can't do to myself. No thank you, I'd rather jerk off to a magazine. I mean, I've practiced all my life - I know what I like MUCH better than you, believe me! :biggrin:


I absolutely love handjobs. A good handjob/blowjob combo > sex.

Word.   
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on August 17, 2015, 08:47:15 AM
Im pretty pumped.  Got myself a first date tomorrow night.  I found this girl on okcupid and her profile blew me away, so many similarities and had a lot of traits that I look for in a woman listed.  So when I messaged her, I was really hoping she would respond (I would say about 90% of my initial messages do not get a response).  She did and we were able to hit off the conversation and have been texting regularly for the last week.  So many things in common and she has a great sense of humor.  So we agreed to meet at a bar tomorrow night and we will see how it goes, but I do not think I have yet met someone with such similar interests.  She told me that she is bigger than her pictures make her come off as.  I appreciate her honesty with that, I have met a few girls who's pictures really distort their looks.  I told her that her personality is awesome and that her looks aren't important because I'd rather spend my time with someone that I enjoy being with than someone who is all about looks.  I also am not the greatest looking so who am I to judge someone for their looks.  Either way, I still find her pretty (and I do think it is important that there is some physical attraction) and she finally sent me a picture of herself that isn't from her profile so I guess I got her to be a bit more comfortable. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on August 17, 2015, 08:54:54 AM
... she finally sent me a picture of herself that isn't from her profile so I guess I got her to be a bit more comfortable.

Pics or it didn't happen.








I'm just playing. Congrats and good luck.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on August 17, 2015, 09:02:43 AM
... she finally sent me a picture of herself that isn't from her profile so I guess I got her to be a bit more comfortable.

Pics or it didn't happen.

lol it wasnt a naughty pic, but just her with her friends at the Mets game yesterday.  I sent her a few pictures over the week, no selfies or anything weird.  Just things to get her to feel comfortable with me and realize I'm just a normal dude, not some creepo.  I finally got one back so i felt like that may have worked.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on August 17, 2015, 09:23:27 AM
... and realize I'm just a normal dude, not some creepo. 

Yeah, but as with any relationship that starts online, you're going to have to come clean at some point.



HAHA, kidding.  Good luck. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on August 17, 2015, 10:29:02 AM
... and realize I'm just a normal dude, not some creepo. 

Yeah, but as with any relationship that starts online, you're going to have to come clean at some point.



HAHA, kidding.  Good luck.

haha, like anyone else, I have my own set of problems.  But being a creep is not one of them.

One of the things with girls I meet online, I always like to ask what it's like from their side of it.  I hear all the stories about creepy guys and whatnot.  I can imagine it is difficult for a female to weed out all of the creeps, especially since many don't come off as creeps upon initial contact.  I usually try very hard to make it clear I am not like that without saying it and therefore coming off as creepy.  Just to make the person comfortable, I have no idea how scarey it might be for a female to meet some guy online.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on August 17, 2015, 01:06:18 PM
... and realize I'm just a normal dude, not some creepo. 

Yeah, but as with any relationship that starts online, you're going to have to come clean at some point.



HAHA, kidding.  Good luck.

haha, like anyone else, I have my own set of problems.  But being a creep is not one of them.

One of the things with girls I meet online, I always like to ask what it's like from their side of it.  I hear all the stories about creepy guys and whatnot.  I can imagine it is difficult for a female to weed out all of the creeps, especially since many don't come off as creeps upon initial contact.  I usually try very hard to make it clear I am not like that without saying it and therefore coming off as creepy.  Just to make the person comfortable, I have no idea how scarey it might be for a female to meet some guy online.

From my somewhat limited experience in talking with girls who are in the online scene, if one can just hold back the urges to send pictures of their c***, they're pretty much 75% of the way towards not being a creep.   It astounds me how ready, willing and able some men are to send pictures of their jimmies to women they have never met, and still expect them to look them in the eye once they do meet. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on August 17, 2015, 01:24:25 PM
... and realize I'm just a normal dude, not some creepo. 

Yeah, but as with any relationship that starts online, you're going to have to come clean at some point.



HAHA, kidding.  Good luck.

haha, like anyone else, I have my own set of problems.  But being a creep is not one of them.

One of the things with girls I meet online, I always like to ask what it's like from their side of it.  I hear all the stories about creepy guys and whatnot.  I can imagine it is difficult for a female to weed out all of the creeps, especially since many don't come off as creeps upon initial contact.  I usually try very hard to make it clear I am not like that without saying it and therefore coming off as creepy.  Just to make the person comfortable, I have no idea how scarey it might be for a female to meet some guy online.

From my somewhat limited experience in talking with girls who are in the online scene, if one can just hold back the urges to send pictures of their c***, they're pretty much 75% of the way towards not being a creep.   It astounds me how ready, willing and able some men are to send pictures of their jimmies to women they have never met, and still expect them to look them in the eye once they do meet.

Well yes, do not send unrequested dick pics is definitely true  :lol and Im with you, I don't know how you expect to actually meet someone after that, but I got to think it works for some only because why else do these guys do it if it never works?  Im just assuming here, but men can be pigs.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on August 17, 2015, 03:04:34 PM
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lantern/the-psychology-of-ghostin_b_7999858.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592 (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lantern/the-psychology-of-ghostin_b_7999858.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592)

I did not realize there was a term for just cutting off communication with someone you are dating, Ghosting, but that's a good read about how that is bad for all involved.  A lot of advice that people bring up here about doing the break up is also talked about in that article.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on August 17, 2015, 03:15:25 PM
... and realize I'm just a normal dude, not some creepo. 

Yeah, but as with any relationship that starts online, you're going to have to come clean at some point.



HAHA, kidding.  Good luck.

haha, like anyone else, I have my own set of problems.  But being a creep is not one of them.

One of the things with girls I meet online, I always like to ask what it's like from their side of it.  I hear all the stories about creepy guys and whatnot.  I can imagine it is difficult for a female to weed out all of the creeps, especially since many don't come off as creeps upon initial contact.  I usually try very hard to make it clear I am not like that without saying it and therefore coming off as creepy.  Just to make the person comfortable, I have no idea how scarey it might be for a female to meet some guy online.

From my somewhat limited experience in talking with girls who are in the online scene, if one can just hold back the urges to send pictures of their c***, they're pretty much 75% of the way towards not being a creep.   It astounds me how ready, willing and able some men are to send pictures of their jimmies to women they have never met, and still expect them to look them in the eye once they do meet.

Well yes, do not send unrequested dick pics is definitely true  :lol and Im with you, I don't know how you expect to actually meet someone after that, but I got to think it works for some only because why else do these guys do it if it never works?  Im just assuming here, but men can be pigs.

I hear you and get your logic, but that is sort of "Gene Simmons LogicTM", his theory being, you only need one to say "Yes".   I live on a slightly more metaphysical plane, where the footprint you leave matters a little more than that.  I would like to think that if an ex met my current partner they could at least say "Well, we didn't click because of this or that, but at the very least, he's a classy guy". 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on August 17, 2015, 03:20:50 PM
Ha, put me in your boat.  I still like to think if someone speaks of me, it is in a good or positive vibe vs. "oh thats the guy that showed me his dick" so I am always so against leaving a bad taste in someone's mouth even if its someone I never met before.  You just never know who you run into in life or who is talking about you behind your back.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on August 18, 2015, 06:02:56 AM
Ha, put me in your boat.  I still like to think if someone speaks of me, it is in a good or positive vibe vs. "oh thats the guy that showed me his dick" so I am always so against leaving a bad taste in someone's mouth even if its someone I never met before.  You just never know who you run into in life or who is talking about you behind your back.

It's funny you say that, because that is another aspect of online dating that I don't think many people realize:  maybe it's different in say, NYC or Chicago, but where I live (northern Connecticut), the pool is just not that big.  I've had it happen twice that I met someone, then (either online or in real life) met someone else that knew them (if that makes sense).   
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on August 18, 2015, 07:26:37 AM
Ha, put me in your boat.  I still like to think if someone speaks of me, it is in a good or positive vibe vs. "oh thats the guy that showed me his dick" so I am always so against leaving a bad taste in someone's mouth even if its someone I never met before.  You just never know who you run into in life or who is talking about you behind your back.

It's funny you say that, because that is another aspect of online dating that I don't think many people realize:  maybe it's different in say, NYC or Chicago, but where I live (northern Connecticut), the pool is just not that big.  I've had it happen twice that I met someone, then (either online or in real life) met someone else that knew them (if that makes sense).

Yea, at the end of the day "its a small world" ends up being the case.  You just never know who you run into or who knows who and whatnot. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on August 18, 2015, 06:50:59 PM
Funny you guys should be talking about online dating, because I was going to post something about it!

I decided to rejoin OkCupid after not being active on there for years. Good god, is that shit overwhelming. All I did was make a profile and I started getting messages like crazy. Some of them seem cool, but some are definitely creeps. I found one friend on there, and I also got a notification that an ex of mine looked at my profile. That weirded me out, because the photo is obviously me. So he purposely looked at my profile but didn't send any kind of "Oh hey" message (which I sent to the friend I found, to avoid any awkwardness of me looking at his profile). I think he's still kind of into me, so it creeps me out a bit. It also says we're a 95% match, eww!

I have had some good luck with internet people, and I've met some weirdos. We shall see! Definitely not looking for anything serious, but hoping to maybe reignite my non-existent sex drive.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: sylvan on August 19, 2015, 06:53:41 AM
Where do you draw the line between cool and creepy? Is it simply whether or not a dick pic is attached, or are there other red flags? Do you get wierded out when you see the same people visiting your profile without messaging you?

I'm having to wrap my head around the idea of internet dating being a different experience for men and women. So many women's profiles mention not looking for a hookup, or sending DTF messages. It blows my mind. I guess somebody made the point that it must work sometimes because people keep doing it.

And it doesn't surprise me that most women get messages way more than most guys do. Does anyone think that might be one of the reasons for initial conversations abruptly ending with no further response from the female side? I've started a few conversations with some seemingly nice and interesting women, and then nothing. Is there something said that seems innocuous to me but is some sort of red flag?

-I had three awesome dates with someone and she turned into a "ghost".
-I got a message back from two different women on the same night. Score! I got sloppy on my tablet and accidentally called one by the others name. I can't afford to be that stupid. And then the other woman disappears from the conversation.
-I started messaging with someone a couple days ago. Shes a doctor and new to the area. The new to the area thing makes me think that she'll be getting a lot of messages like Jackie did. Is there anything I should or shouldn't do to help move this forward instead of it stalling out? It just seems like a fine line between good guy and creep.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on August 19, 2015, 08:08:42 AM
Where do you draw the line between cool and creepy? Is it simply whether or not a dick pic is attached, or are there other red flags? Do you get wierded out when you see the same people visiting your profile without messaging you?

I'm having to wrap my head around the idea of internet dating being a different experience for men and women. So many women's profiles mention not looking for a hookup, or sending DTF messages. It blows my mind. I guess somebody made the point that it must work sometimes because people keep doing it.

And it doesn't surprise me that most women get messages way more than most guys do. Does anyone think that might be one of the reasons for initial conversations abruptly ending with no further response from the female side? I've started a few conversations with some seemingly nice and interesting women, and then nothing. Is there something said that seems innocuous to me but is some sort of red flag?

-I had three awesome dates with someone and she turned into a "ghost".
-I got a message back from two different women on the same night. Score! I got sloppy on my tablet and accidentally called one by the others name. I can't afford to be that stupid. And then the other woman disappears from the conversation.
-I started messaging with someone a couple days ago. Shes a doctor and new to the area. The new to the area thing makes me think that she'll be getting a lot of messages like Jackie did. Is there anything I should or shouldn't do to help move this forward instead of it stalling out? It just seems like a fine line between good guy and creep.

Honestly, the only thing different about online dating and real life dating is the ease at which you can reach out.   It's oh-so-easy to write a quick, quasi-anonymous message and hit "send" after a beer or two, but how many men say "I could NEVER walk across a bar and just start talking to a girl".  So there's that.   But what's the down side of walking across the room and talking to her?  She's going to say "Sorry, bub. Not interested!".   Isn't that the same as "ghosting"?   It's just easier to not reply than to go into a long, and most likely bullshit excuse as to "it's me not you, etc. etc.".    Plus, who knows?  Maybe she got three messages at the same time as yours and just liked one other better? 

You need to have a thick skin, you need to be honest with yourself, and you need to be yourself.   At the end of the day, the internet anonymity is a fallacy, because if you are really looking for a relationship - and not a f*** - you're going to have to come clean at some point, and the longer it takes, the harder it is.  Having said that, the anonymity (while it lasts) is a double-edged sword; you live by it, and you die by it.

My experience (almost solely with Match; searching females from age 30 to 55) was this:   easily over half weren't being honest with themselves or with me.   The profiles sounded great, and said all the right things, but more often than not were about as truthful as a Michael Moore documentary.  There is no substitute for in-person meeting.   I met this one girl, perfect on paper, and we met.  And even though it was two years ago, we still chat occasionally, and I would love for her to be my buddy for life.   But there is zero, and I mean zero, physical attraction on my side.  Not that she is ugly; far from it, but there is just no chemistry.   Yeah, in college after a night of drinking, but that's not me anymore, nor is it her.  I met another girl, and fell totally head over heels for her. Thought "this is the one".   Long conversations, deep conversations, talked about family, went on a great first date, got a little physical, went on a second date, then pfffft.   Not exactly "ghosted" but pretty damn close.   To this day not exactly sure what happened (and really don't care; not a huge "closure" guy) but I suspect that I was 95% what she was looking for (we lived far away and she had young kids, so that would have been a problem) and she found someone that was 96%.   I can sleep at night with that.

As long as she is careful, Jackie will likely be successful; she's smart, she's cute, so she'll get inquiries, and she knows what she's looking for (or seems to), so she'll ultimately be able to find it.  In the meantime, she'll meet some creeps and she'll meet some good dudes and hopefully be able to tell the difference between the two. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on August 19, 2015, 08:47:55 AM
I started messaging with someone a couple days ago. Shes a doctor and new to the area. The new to the area thing makes me think that she'll be getting a lot of messages like Jackie did. Is there anything I should or shouldn't do to help move this forward instead of it stalling out? It just seems like a fine line between good guy and creep.

Solidify a date ASAP. When I was online dating, I was 100% looking for a relationship. Having sex with the person was obviously part of the equation because that's how adult relationships work, but I never messaged anyone with the intent of only having sex. I followed a few basic rules to try and keep girls from thinking that's all I wanted.

1) Do not discuss prior relationships during the messaging phase. This could make the girl think you're either A) looking for a rebound B) already comparing her to other girls you've been with C) Someone who tends to get around.
2) Limit the discussion on her in her profile pics. Talk about things in the pictures, not her. For example, when I first started talking to my current girlfriend on Tinder two years ago, I mentioned that a big wooden chest she was leaning in one of her pics looked just like one I built not too long before that. That showed that I was observant, handy, and willing to just converse rather than steer the conversation in a relationship/sexual direction.
3) Do not compliment her looks in anyway. She knows you already find her attractive enough to talk to. Saying anything more can come off as you caring more about how she looks rather than what she has to offer. Also, if she doesn't like the fact you aren't complimenting her before you meet in real life, I'd throw up a big red flag.
4) Don't come right out and start confessing a million things. Be honest, but don't bring up some crazy thing in your past just trying to make conversation. You can come off as needy, crazy, irresponsible, stupid, immature, etc. Those traits can make a guy look very unattractive.
5) I would try and avoid questions. Obviously questions needed to be asked, but I wanted to have a conversation, not feel like one of us was conducting an interview.

I think I got off track with where I was trying to go with this.

Good luck!
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Elite on August 19, 2015, 09:59:29 AM
That's some very good advice above my post here ^
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on August 19, 2015, 10:05:44 AM
Yeah, I think Chino nailed it.   Maybe the "questions" part can be more nuanced (one can "ask questions" without actually "asking questions", and the former is excellent to show interest and that you care about her) but generally that is good advice.

One other thing I always say: "NO ONE WANTS TO DATE YOUR ISSUES."   That's not to say a partner shouldn't be aware and accepting of your foibles, but there is time for that.   If your strategy is to have the second email be "I HAVE HERPES, MOMMY ISSUES, AND I'M SCARED OF CLOWNS", well, that is one way of doing it, but you kind of have to give her reason to be accepting of those things.   Ben Affleck can do that and probably be successful, you probably can't. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: MoraWintersoul on August 19, 2015, 10:16:16 AM
Mostly just avoid sending these messages (well, the girl is pretty sassy but it never fails to get a very angry reaction from the other guy/girl, which confirms all the red flags) and you're good: http://okcreepsters.tumblr.com/

How would you introduce yourself if we had to write letters? Hey, I'm this and that guy, I saw we're a good match, I like women who do X like you seem to do, I'm interested in a casual/serious relationship, hit me up if you'd like to chat, if not just have a nice day. And go from there.

I met all of my love interests through Facebook/MySpace, and I think you can glean as much information from the internet as you would from a first date, minus the chemistry. Well, maybe that's just how I feel because I'm a major stalker and looking for very specific things in a guy, and I was able to find them :lol Dating sites make it easier because you're all there to date, just interested in different things, and you can tweak your whole profile to make it reflect what you want and attract the right sort of people. It's like a CV + cover letter for the right company :biggrin: Many people have made it work for them.

On a side note, what is it with dick pics? Are they supposed to be arousing? Because I don't even know where to start bashing those :lol if you have a fling and she stated she liked that, send them; if not, what are the odds that a pic of your genitals will make a random woman's day better? :lol
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: BlobVanDam on August 19, 2015, 10:19:57 AM
On a side note, what is it with dick pics? Are they supposed to be arousing? Because I don't even know where to start bashing those :lol if you have a fling and she stated she liked that, send them; if not, what are the odds that a pic of your genitals will make a random woman's day better? :lol

Maybe the guy has a 12" dong and she happens to love the D, and she be all like
(http://www.dreamtheaterforums.org/forumavatars/avatar_7076_1364592449.jpeg)


No? Alright then. *walks away slowly*
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on August 19, 2015, 10:24:22 AM
I've sent dick pics before. I've never sent them to a girl randomly hoping to turn her on though. There was a girl I used to hook up with at and outside of work that'd send me sexual images of herself or a video of her deepthroating something, and I'd send a pic back just as a way of saying "as you can see, I really appreciate what you're showing me right now".

Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: kingshmegland on August 19, 2015, 10:27:55 AM
When I send a dick pic, it's a picture of Donald Trump. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on August 19, 2015, 12:11:03 PM
I've sent dick pics before. I've never sent them to a girl randomly hoping to turn her on though. There was a girl I used to hook up with at and outside of work that'd send me sexual images of herself or a video of her deepthroating something, and I'd send a pic back just as a way of saying "as you can see, I really appreciate what you're showing me right now".

HAHA!  The "at and outside" made me laugh out loud.  :)

But I think that's different; I'm an anything goes kind of guy in a relationship with someone, and if that turned her on, I'd be sending them as my signature.   But I think we're talking more about the tactic that seems to be taken from the "Jersey Shore School of Dating and DTF-ing".  I know of at least three women who have received them unsolicited (or at least claim to have received them unsolicited) and not one was the least bit thrilled by it.   
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on August 19, 2015, 12:26:09 PM
I had a good first time meeting with this girl last night.  Went to a bar along the bay near my house and it was beautiful out so it made for nice scenery.  We had 3 beers each and just chatted for a few hours.  She has a sense of humor that I really like and our interests are really inline with each other.  We had a few moments of that awkward silence though which I really believe was on my part, partly because I was a bit more nervous than usual since I thought there was a lot of potential with her.   I had a hard time reading her and have had a hard time reading her through out our pre-meeting chats.  At the end of the night when I walked her to her car I mentioned that Im having a hard time reading you, but I had fun tonight and hope you did too.  Apparently she said she has the same problem with me, so I just flat out said that I like you and would like to do this again, which she agreed. 

I should also add I think I scored a lot of brownie points with her too.  She is a Mets fan and the bar had the game on last night, apparently that bar (which I had never actually gone to) closes at 11pm so as soon as it hit 11 they turned all the TVs off and the Mets game was bottom of the 9th, 2 outs, bases loaded, full count and the Mets up by 3 and the Orioles at bat.  She was obviously pissed about someone turning the TV off at that point so I kind of fought the guy verbally to put it back on which after arguing about "closing" he finally agreed to put it on and the game ended 20 seconds later with a Mets win.  I got a nice text later that night from her saying "thanks for fighting for me".  And now today she is texting me way more than she had previously.   :biggrin:
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on August 20, 2015, 02:15:21 PM
So excited, scored a second date tomorrow and this is lining up to be really fun too.  Going to take her out to dinner and then go to Yestercades, they seem to only be in NJ http://www.yestercades.com/ (http://www.yestercades.com/) but its essentially an arcade that also has consoles and you pay an hourly rate to go in, also in an area near bars so I assume people get toasty and go play some games.  She likes video games which is not something I am used to in a woman so this is a new experience for me.

Also, wanted to share my feedback on this:

I followed a few basic rules to try and keep girls from thinking that's all I wanted.

1) Do not discuss prior relationships during the messaging phase. This could make the girl think you're either A) looking for a rebound B) already comparing her to other girls you've been with C) Someone who tends to get around.
2) Limit the discussion on her in her profile pics. Talk about things in the pictures, not her. For example, when I first started talking to my current girlfriend on Tinder two years ago, I mentioned that a big wooden chest she was leaning in one of her pics looked just like one I built not too long before that. That showed that I was observant, handy, and willing to just converse rather than steer the conversation in a relationship/sexual direction.
3) Do not compliment her looks in anyway. She knows you already find her attractive enough to talk to. Saying anything more can come off as you caring more about how she looks rather than what she has to offer. Also, if she doesn't like the fact you aren't complimenting her before you meet in real life, I'd throw up a big red flag.
4) Don't come right out and start confessing a million things. Be honest, but don't bring up some crazy thing in your past just trying to make conversation. You can come off as needy, crazy, irresponsible, stupid, immature, etc. Those traits can make a guy look very unattractive.
5) I would try and avoid questions. Obviously questions needed to be asked, but I wanted to have a conversation, not feel like one of us was conducting an interview.

I think I got off track with where I was trying to go with this.

Good luck!

1. Agreed, you don't want to be talking abut another woman when you are just starting to get to know a new one. I think it's important to talk about your past at some point, but that is not before or during the first date IMO.

2. I'm not sure about this.  Obviosuly using her pictures as discussion points is a good way to spark conversation, but I don't know why you need to limit this.

3. I have found that complimenting looks does nothing but negative, at least in the beginning phase.  Granted, I still find myself complimenting sometimes because of genuine interest.  I told my date that she has beautiful eyes, she really does and I couldn't hold myself back from saying it, BUT I really don't like complimenting looks so early.

4. Agreed, keep your demons in your closet in the beginning unless something comes up and you need to let her know.  I do think it is important to discuss your negatives at some point, but not too early.   With regards to this and #1, I always find I want to tell the person I am seeing that I was once engaged and ended it.  I feel like that is my biggest baggage I carry into a potential relationship, not because I have any feelings for my x, but because I feel like it shaped me into who I am today.  I very much like getting this off my back and have not had a single person reject me for it, but I do hold off until after the first date.

5.  Its impossible to avoid questions, you are trying to get to know someone.  But I get your point, don't make it feel like an interview, try to ask or imply a question and use that to spark a conversation.

my 5 cents
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on August 20, 2015, 03:39:06 PM
... that also has consoles and you pay an hourly rate to go in...

They used to have those in Times Square.   Pretty scummy and I wouldn't bring a girl there until I knew her really well.

Oooops, I'm guessing that's not what you were referring to...
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on August 20, 2015, 03:41:15 PM
... that also has consoles and you pay an hourly rate to go in...

They used to have those in Times Square.   Pretty scummy and I wouldn't bring a girl there until I knew her really well.

Oooops, I'm guessing that's not what you were referring to...

lol I thought you were talking about Dave n Busters at first
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: sylvan on August 20, 2015, 05:52:07 PM
I heard back from this woman I messaged with a couple days ago. I login and get a message from her immediately, like she had typed it before I got on. I reply, but get no response, and she's still online. Same thing last time I messaged her, and her message tonight was a response to the last one that was meant as small talk to get a chat going. I want to get to asking her on a date. Should I just ask if she wants to do something sometime, or should I ask about something specific. She's a doctor that's into LOTR, Harry Potter ,Star Wars, Star Trek, and then comedy stuff too. There's a local theater playing Fletch this weekend and that would be cool. Good or bad idea for a first date?

Edit: I just went ahead and told her I'd like to get to know her some more, and the messaging isn't very fluid, and face to face is way more enjoyable. I'm not entirely sure what she'd be up for, so I threw out the movie idea, a baseball game, or just casual dinner to talk about Star Wars and what not. It's just hard to gauge whether she's interested in any way, or just replying to a message. It is a dating site though. Fingers crossed...

Edit2: Way to go cram. Good luck!
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on August 21, 2015, 05:26:45 AM
I don't do anything on first dates besides grab a drink whether that be at a coffee shop or bar, depending on what the female is more comfortable with.  First dates from online are more of a formal meeting and face to face chat to get a better feel for each other, after that if things go well then I'd venture into something different or maybe not. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on August 21, 2015, 07:58:26 AM
I don't do anything on first dates besides grab a drink whether that be at a coffee shop or bar, depending on what the female is more comfortable with.  First dates from online are more of a formal meeting and face to face chat to get a better feel for each other, after that if things go well then I'd venture into something different or maybe not.

This.   Let's be realistic here:  I know we're all Brad Pitt good looking with Mark Cuban money, and the suave personality of Leo DiCaprio, but you have to give both parties a chance to address the one thing you can't fake:  physical chemistry.  If you are stuck at a ball game or movie, and it isn't working, you need an out.   Having a nice drink and seeing where it goes is the perfect solution.

(On my first date with my now-wife, we went to a local restaurant to have a drink, sat down, and the waitress brought water; we literally sat there for almost four hours and never ordered a single thing.  NOT EVEN THE DRINK!  It was just nice to talk.   As we were leaving, the owner came running out and asked "what was wrong?"   Not being a complete idiot, I turned to him and said, "this was our first date, and I just got wrapped up talking to this wonderful girl and lost track of time".   We've been basically together ever since.)
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: MoraWintersoul on August 22, 2015, 01:28:52 PM
Not being a complete idiot, I turned to him and said, "this was our first date, and I just got wrapped up talking to this wonderful girl and lost track of time".   We've been basically together ever since.
Well, no wonder :heart :metal
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on August 22, 2015, 03:00:23 PM
Awww, that's adorable.

sylvan, as for what constitutes a creep, I'm talking about the guys whose first message is "If we hang out I'll give your orgasms all night."
Those don't get a response. And honestly, neither do the very brief "Hey I like your profile, let's chat" ones. Because for all I know that means he said "Oh hey, she looks cute" and sent a half-assed message. Because I'm getting so much communication, I'm really just replying to people who sent me a thoughtful message. Even if I'm not attracted to the guy from his picture or whatever, I still appreciate the effort and he may still be cool peoples.
I am seeing now that lots of people want to meet up, and I don't have a lot of free time. One guy asked to Skype, but I'm not into that. I gave my number to two guys but nothing scheduled yet. One I think I will definitely end up hanging with.

As for "ghosting," I mostly agree with what Stadler said. I really don't want to send an "it's not you it's me" message so I have done that with online people. In person I wouldn't do that, like drop off the face of the earth if we've gone out on several dates. That's lame.


On a side note, what is it with dick pics? Are they supposed to be arousing? Because I don't even know where to start bashing those :lol if you have a fling and she stated she liked that, send them; if not, what are the odds that a pic of your genitals will make a random woman's day better? :lol

For real  :lol
Even if we're having regular sex, I do not want to see a picture of your penis. I know what it looks like.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: sylvan on August 23, 2015, 06:15:48 AM
So I'm like 25 pages into okcreepster. Fucking eye opening :o. I can't help but laugh at a lot of what is there. It appears as though some of these women have experienced it so much that they have to laugh at some of it too. But I'm mostly disappointed. It's become very evident that this experience is different for men and for women. I might be waiting for a reply from one of the few people I've sent thoughtful messages to. Only I didn't know that they might not get to it because they sign on and find 100+ messages, mostly consisting of Hey!, Casual sex?, or some sequence of words describing what sexual act they want to perform, like pickle sliding.

Not continuing on with a virtual conversation with someone you've never met shouldn't be considered ghosting. But yeah, if you've met in person, unless the other individual is just that bad, it's basic human courtesy to include some words, even if it's as simple as "No Thank You" to further interaction. That doesn't mean that women owe that, or men for that matter (goes both ways, I know), but that they could be considered a poor excuse for a human being if they choose to act that way. Regardless of what was meant by the words (text) that were said to me, specific words were used. Then, ghost. And you all were right. There's no need for me to be hung up on someone like that. Ghosting leaves one person searching for answers, wondering why. The ONLY realization to be had, and the sooner the better, is that the ghost is no longer a worthwhile thought.

I can say first hand that I'm slightly apprehensive being as open as we were, with another person. It's a wierd feeling. With the little experience I have with dating, and as comfortable as I have been in general with opening up about myself (not too open, like volunteering too much info), its odd to feel apprehension about it.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: kingshmegland on August 23, 2015, 07:23:43 AM
Being open should be a face to face, intimate thing.  Saying those things on the Internet never come off right when meeting someone new.  From what I've seen so much lately is that people who know me very well can take what I say on the Internet a totally different way than what I meant.

That's why if you want to open up to a person, do it face to face.  It becomes more genuine.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on August 23, 2015, 04:36:41 PM
Well, I agreed to hang out with the guy I said I would end up meeting, beer garden on Tuesday. We shall see. He seems to be pretty busy and involved with a lot of people (he told me the other day that he had several dates) so that takes some of the pressure off. I do not have the time or energy to be somebody's one-and-only right now, and I don't really want that anyway.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on August 24, 2015, 10:18:54 AM
Well, I agreed to hang out with the guy I said I would end up meeting, beer garden on Tuesday. We shall see. He seems to be pretty busy and involved with a lot of people (he told me the other day that he had several dates) so that takes some of the pressure off. I do not have the time or energy to be somebody's one-and-only right now, and I don't really want that anyway.

Interesting way to see it.  I don't think I would tell a girl that I have multiple dates even if I did.  I also do not think I would want to know if the girl I am dating is doing that.  I just don't ask or talk about it since it's none of my business in the early stage, or essentially until you become serious.

My date on Friday went well, had a nice dinner and beers followed by arcade gaming.  She came over afterwards to chill for a bit as well.  Going to see her tomorrow night and then I travel again for work next week so hopefully she doesn't lose interest, but that's only a 1 week trip so I think I will be ok, only my 2 week trips seem to be when I lose the girl.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on August 24, 2015, 11:38:12 PM
Sounds promising!

As for my situation, this guy is openly polyamorous so I wouldn't expect any different. He didn't just say it out of the blue, but I had asked him if he had anything fun planned for the week or whatever.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on August 25, 2015, 07:00:41 AM
What are your (the group) thoughts on polyamorism?

On one hand, it can be said to be the honest acknowledgement of one's predilections, and as long as one is honest with their partner (and their partner is accepting), then c'est la vie.

On the other hand, it sounds a lot like "Lookin' for my cake, and lookin' to eat it too!", taking the easy way out.  No commitment, no personal sacrifice, no discipline...

I think for me, philosophically, I lean to the first one, strongly, but perhaps as I get older, I have more instances of people and their human nature being... disappointing, shall we say, and so realistically I feel that the second is more likely the reality.

Thoughts? 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on August 25, 2015, 07:22:26 AM
I don't have a problem with it. People are wired to want and enjoy sex, and I can totally understand why after twenty years with the same person it could get a little stale. Plenty of marriages probably fail due to problems with intimacy later in life. I know a couple that does this, kind of. They have sex with people other than their partner, but the partner always has to be present. Sometimes they'll have a night with another couple (or four), or FFM/MMF threesome as long as the other one approves. Protection is always used and both people in the relationship are okay with it. Actually, they are more than okay with it, they want it. They've been together more than four years and are one of the happiest couples I know.

We all have different sexual tastes (I'm going to say this from a guy's perspective). Some men like skinny toned girls and others like bbws. Some guys are turned on by lesbian porn, some aren't. For reasons I don't fully understand, some guys are obsessed with feet. Some guys like looking at a girl tied up with chains while others find a girl laying on a feather bed way sexier. So if a guy is turned on by watching his g/f get nailed while she performs something on him in the meantime, I can't really knock that. We all have our quirks as fetishes, and none are any crazier than the others as long as both people involved are fully on board with it and not hurting anyone else.

Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Lynxo on August 25, 2015, 08:03:48 AM
Yeah, obviously people can do whatever they want as long as they're happy. And I can understand and appreciate poly for what it is. However, it's really no something for me, I am way to invested and commited to the person I'm currently in a relationsship with, I could never be with someone else at the same time. :)

Obviously, one night stands are a completely different story.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on August 25, 2015, 09:43:19 AM
I'm perhaps over-thinking this (ha, never did that before!) but the way Chino writes it, I have 100% agreement.  Totally on board with "whatever works in your relationship". 

I just feel there are no absolutes, and perhaps it's because I have a 16-year-old stepdaughter and a 14-year-old daughter, but I think at the stage of being married for years and exploring sexuality together its different than perhaps just wanting to bang babes at leisure without facing the consequences.  I don't know; I'm throwing the idea out there, not saying I'm right or that this is my final answer.  I'm not polyamorous myself, so it's a new-ish concept (though I know a couple like Chino's friend as well, and they probably have what looks to be the best marriage of any of my close friends).
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: MoraWintersoul on August 25, 2015, 11:28:33 AM
I think for me, philosophically, I lean to the first one, strongly, but perhaps as I get older, I have more instances of people and their human nature being... disappointing, shall we say, and so realistically I feel that the second is more likely the reality.
I agree with this. Things tend to get complicated if two people have even a slightly differing view of their relationship, throw in more people into the mix and it just gets confusing. If people can handle that for 40+ years of their lives and never get heartbroken or disappointed, props to them. They have all the people skills I'll never have.

I have a polyamorous friend, and she says it's a matter of getting love where you find it and not worrying about stale conventions. Which sounds great. But she finds dating fun. I don't see dating as "oh I'm gonna meet super fun people and have fun times and get laid so many times", more like "if I'm lucky I'm gonna find someone who's actively not horrible and who's going to be respectful and fun and cool for a really long time". I don't like people enough in general to date more than one per three years :lol

I think more people are like me than my friend - it's great when you're able to drop out of the dating game and find someone you can watch cartoons with naked and eat chips and have a super great connection with. I can't have that with someone casual I don't know so well.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on August 25, 2015, 11:51:50 AM
I think for me, philosophically, I lean to the first one, strongly, but perhaps as I get older, I have more instances of people and their human nature being... disappointing, shall we say, and so realistically I feel that the second is more likely the reality.
I agree with this. Things tend to get complicated if two people have even a slightly differing view of their relationship, throw in more people into the mix and it just gets confusing. If people can handle that for 40+ years of their lives and never get heartbroken or disappointed, props to them. They have all the people skills I'll never have.

I have a polyamorous friend, and she says it's a matter of getting love where you find it and not worrying about stale conventions. Which sounds great. But she finds dating fun. I don't see dating as "oh I'm gonna meet super fun people and have fun times and get laid so many times", more like "if I'm lucky I'm gonna find someone who's actively not horrible and who's going to be respectful and fun and cool for a really long time". I don't like people enough in general to date more than one per three years :lol

I think more people are like me than my friend - it's great when you're able to drop out of the dating game and find someone you can watch cartoons with naked and eat chips and have a super great connection with. I can't have that with someone casual I don't know so well.

I'm with you on that; I think you have to be a really trusting soul (which I'm not) to be that way.  I will literally (well, almost literally) try anything with someone I know and trust, but while there is excitement with a new experience (meaning, a new person) there is stress as well, and I know for me, I'm not usually breaking out the jumper cables or the rope swing first time out the chute.   

EDIT:  Sorry for the over-share.  ;) 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on August 25, 2015, 12:32:29 PM
On one hand, it can be said to be the honest acknowledgement of one's predilections, and as long as one is honest with their partner (and their partner is accepting), then c'est la vie.

On the other hand, it sounds a lot like "Lookin' for my cake, and lookin' to eat it too!", taking the easy way out.  No commitment, no personal sacrifice, no discipline...


I mean this respectfully, but I think you don't understand at all what polyamory is. I'm on lunch break at the moment and not able to fully explain it, but I would suggest doing some research (try this page: http://www.lovemore.com/home/what-is-polyamory/). All of those things you mentioned are required for successful poly relationships. It is extremely difficult to maintain multiple relationships. It takes lots of discipline and respect for all involved. Communication is a huge part of it, being very open and honest with everybody involved, and LOTS of commitment. Commitment doesn't have to mean "I spend all of my time with one person." You can be committed to multiple people, and it's very difficult to juggle all of that. It is not at all easy.

I don't have a problem with it. People are wired to want and enjoy sex, and I can totally understand why after twenty years with the same person it could get a little stale. Plenty of marriages probably fail due to problems with intimacy later in life. I know a couple that does this, kind of. They have sex with people other than their partner, but the partner always has to be present. Sometimes they'll have a night with another couple (or four), or FFM/MMF threesome as long as the other one approves. Protection is always used and both people in the relationship are okay with it. Actually, they are more than okay with it, they want it. They've been together more than four years and are one of the happiest couples I know.

This is also not polyamory, it's swinging. Different thing altogether (and many of the poly people I know do NOT like being mistaken for swingers  :lol). Poly is not just about sex.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on August 26, 2015, 07:29:30 AM
On one hand, it can be said to be the honest acknowledgement of one's predilections, and as long as one is honest with their partner (and their partner is accepting), then c'est la vie.

On the other hand, it sounds a lot like "Lookin' for my cake, and lookin' to eat it too!", taking the easy way out.  No commitment, no personal sacrifice, no discipline...


I mean this respectfully, but I think you don't understand at all what polyamory is. I'm on lunch break at the moment and not able to fully explain it, but I would suggest doing some research (try this page: http://www.lovemore.com/home/what-is-polyamory/). All of those things you mentioned are required for successful poly relationships. It is extremely difficult to maintain multiple relationships. It takes lots of discipline and respect for all involved. Communication is a huge part of it, being very open and honest with everybody involved, and LOTS of commitment. Commitment doesn't have to mean "I spend all of my time with one person." You can be committed to multiple people, and it's very difficult to juggle all of that. It is not at all easy.

I take it with nothing but respect.  I don't profess to be an expert, but I know enough to be dangerous.  I know it isn't just being "a swinger", and I understand that polyamorous relationships don't necessarily have to involve sex at all (or marriage).   Where I was going is not in the definition of polyamory, but in the use of the term.  I'm not saying that those that observe "polyamory" in it's true state are making an excuse, but that people might use that term wrongly to avoid things like commitment and discipline.   Put a different way, I don't think "dating four people at once, and banging all of them, but I told them up front and they're okay with it!" necessarily qualifies as "polyamory".  It takes full acknowledgement and understanding on both sides.   Does this make sense?   

Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on August 26, 2015, 07:36:49 AM
Yes, that makes total sense! Thanks for clarifying  :). There are definitely those people out there, but fuck 'em.

Soo my date went well. We sat there at the beer garden talking for about 2.5 hours and he was really cool and cute. We seem to have a lot in common personality-wise. I went into nervous logorrhea mode and he didn't seem to mind- he is a counselor  :lol

There were two things that kind of threw me off. One, we kissed goodbye but he went right in for an open-mouthed kiss without easing into it. I thought that was weird- you don't just go in with tongue extended! Not a big deal, but it just weirded me out a bit.

Second, most of you know I'm not the type who expects chivalry from a dude or anything like that, but when it comes to manners I sort of have the same expectations for everyone. And I was a bit surprised that he did not offer to drive me home, knowing that it was kind of late, I had walked to the bar and that I lived just down the street. I would've done that for anybody, date or not. My friend said maybe he was embarrassed of his car, which is a possibility if it was a mess or something (like mine).

Anyway, I texted later thanking him for a nice time and never heard back, but he also said he had to get up super early. *shrug*
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on August 26, 2015, 07:52:53 AM
Second, most of you know I'm not the type who expects chivalry from a dude or anything like that, but when it comes to manners I sort of have the same expectations for everyone. And I was a bit surprised that he did not offer to drive me home, knowing that it was kind of late, I had walked to the bar and that I lived just down the street. I would've done that for anybody, date or not. My friend said maybe he was embarrassed of his car, which is a possibility if it was a mess or something (like mine).

He may have also been worried that had he offered you a ride to your house, you would have interpreted that as him trying to coerce you into sleeping with him. I've been worried about that on first dates in the past. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on August 26, 2015, 08:53:05 AM
There could be reasons to not offer a ride, but I personally find it odd.  If he went for the tongue on a first date but didnt offer a ride home, seems weird to me.  Maybe his car is embarrassing like you said.

Anyway, I texted later thanking him for a nice time and never heard back, but he also said he had to get up super early. *shrug*

That's upsetting.  Hopefully he responded to you by now as he should be up, but I know I'd be upset if I felt like the date went well and then you send the "hey had a great time tonight" message and didn't get a response.

I kind of had something come up last night on my 3rd date with this girl.  Things went well, went out for sushi, came back to my place and watched TV together.  Our convos have gotten better and its clear to me that we are both opening up our personalities a bit more and therefore we are joking together a lot more and just being ourselves, kind of letting your guard down a bit I guess.  So we were making out pretty good and it was getting late and she said "I need to stop before I start riding you" which i took as a compliment.  But I am not a pushy person or anything, she doesn't want to ride me then she can when she is more comfortable lol but that's not what my issue is.  There were I will say 3 things that threw me off.  First she showed something on her phone to me that we were talking about and thats fine and all but she clearly had an OKcupid message, I know what the icon looks like on the top bar of an android.  I saw her clear her other messages, but didnt clear that one and then showed me her phone where I can clearly see there was a message.  I get it, we just met and arent in a relationship, but to so blatantly show that and I don't know if it was on purpose or just stupidity, but I noticed.  Second issue is I walked her to her car when she was leaving and we had another long good bye kissing and she stopped and said "this is bad" and I asked what was bad and she kind of just shrugged it off.  I told her I wanted to see her again and preferably before I leave for Europe on Sunday (earlier in the evening we both mentioned we don't have plans for the weekend) and she said she would let me know, not giving me an actual answer.  I didn't expect to settle the date at that moment, but knowing she doesn't have plans I would have liked her to agree with me at least.  I have a few ideas for why she acted like this, but I am really having a hard time reading her.  I told her that before as well which she kind of just shrugged off. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on August 26, 2015, 09:15:11 AM
There could be reasons to not offer a ride, but I personally find it odd.  If he went for the tongue on a first date but didnt offer a ride home, seems weird to me.  Maybe his car is embarrassing like you said.

Anyway, I texted later thanking him for a nice time and never heard back, but he also said he had to get up super early. *shrug*

That's upsetting.  Hopefully he responded to you by now as he should be up, but I know I'd be upset if I felt like the date went well and then you send the "hey had a great time tonight" message and didn't get a response.

I kind of had something come up last night on my 3rd date with this girl.  Things went well, went out for sushi, came back to my place and watched TV together.  Our convos have gotten better and its clear to me that we are both opening up our personalities a bit more and therefore we are joking together a lot more and just being ourselves, kind of letting your guard down a bit I guess.  So we were making out pretty good and it was getting late and she said "I need to stop before I start riding you" which i took as a compliment.  But I am not a pushy person or anything, she doesn't want to ride me then she can when she is more comfortable lol but that's not what my issue is.  There were I will say 3 things that threw me off.  First she showed something on her phone to me that we were talking about and thats fine and all but she clearly had an OKcupid message, I know what the icon looks like on the top bar of an android.  I saw her clear her other messages, but didnt clear that one and then showed me her phone where I can clearly see there was a message.  I get it, we just met and arent in a relationship, but to so blatantly show that and I don't know if it was on purpose or just stupidity, but I noticed.  Second issue is I walked her to her car when she was leaving and we had another long good bye kissing and she stopped and said "this is bad" and I asked what was bad and she kind of just shrugged it off.  I told her I wanted to see her again and preferably before I leave for Europe on Sunday (earlier in the evening we both mentioned we don't have plans for the weekend) and she said she would let me know, not giving me an actual answer.  I didn't expect to settle the date at that moment, but knowing she doesn't have plans I would have liked her to agree with me at least.  I have a few ideas for why she acted like this, but I am really having a hard time reading her.  I told her that before as well which she kind of just shrugged off.

Just a thought from someone who was on the Finnish Over-Thinking Olympic team that took silver in the '92 Games, but perhaps you might be giving this a little too much thought?    I don't see one red flag in that entire paragraph, including the OKCupid thing (though I was never on that, so I don't really know what that is).   There are 1000 reasons for all of those, and only 500 or less are "not good for you".  Perhaps let it breathe a little? 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on August 26, 2015, 09:17:20 AM

There were two things that kind of threw me off. One, we kissed goodbye but he went right in for an open-mouthed kiss without easing into it. I thought that was weird- you don't just go in with tongue extended! Not a big deal, but it just weirded me out a bit.


BIG turn-off for me, for what it's worth (exactly, NOTHING). 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on August 26, 2015, 09:26:35 AM
There could be reasons to not offer a ride, but I personally find it odd.  If he went for the tongue on a first date but didnt offer a ride home, seems weird to me.  Maybe his car is embarrassing like you said.

Anyway, I texted later thanking him for a nice time and never heard back, but he also said he had to get up super early. *shrug*

That's upsetting.  Hopefully he responded to you by now as he should be up, but I know I'd be upset if I felt like the date went well and then you send the "hey had a great time tonight" message and didn't get a response.

I kind of had something come up last night on my 3rd date with this girl.  Things went well, went out for sushi, came back to my place and watched TV together.  Our convos have gotten better and its clear to me that we are both opening up our personalities a bit more and therefore we are joking together a lot more and just being ourselves, kind of letting your guard down a bit I guess.  So we were making out pretty good and it was getting late and she said "I need to stop before I start riding you" which i took as a compliment.  But I am not a pushy person or anything, she doesn't want to ride me then she can when she is more comfortable lol but that's not what my issue is.  There were I will say 3 things that threw me off.  First she showed something on her phone to me that we were talking about and thats fine and all but she clearly had an OKcupid message, I know what the icon looks like on the top bar of an android.  I saw her clear her other messages, but didnt clear that one and then showed me her phone where I can clearly see there was a message.  I get it, we just met and arent in a relationship, but to so blatantly show that and I don't know if it was on purpose or just stupidity, but I noticed.  Second issue is I walked her to her car when she was leaving and we had another long good bye kissing and she stopped and said "this is bad" and I asked what was bad and she kind of just shrugged it off.  I told her I wanted to see her again and preferably before I leave for Europe on Sunday (earlier in the evening we both mentioned we don't have plans for the weekend) and she said she would let me know, not giving me an actual answer.  I didn't expect to settle the date at that moment, but knowing she doesn't have plans I would have liked her to agree with me at least.  I have a few ideas for why she acted like this, but I am really having a hard time reading her.  I told her that before as well which she kind of just shrugged off.

Just a thought from someone who was on the Finnish Over-Thinking Olympic team that took silver in the '92 Games, but perhaps you might be giving this a little too much thought?    I don't see one red flag in that entire paragraph, including the OKCupid thing (though I was never on that, so I don't really know what that is).   There are 1000 reasons for all of those, and only 500 or less are "not good for you".  Perhaps let it breathe a little?

Definitely over thinking it, but like I said, I can't read this girl at all and hence my over thinking.  Usually I am pretty good at reading the body language, the little hints, or the girl flat out tells me what's on her mind.  I have none of that other than the "this is bad" comment that I can't figure out.


There were two things that kind of threw me off. One, we kissed goodbye but he went right in for an open-mouthed kiss without easing into it. I thought that was weird- you don't just go in with tongue extended! Not a big deal, but it just weirded me out a bit.


BIG turn-off for me, for what it's worth (exactly, NOTHING). 

With regards to this, what's everyone's opinions on kissing on first dates?  I normally don't, especially if I really like the girl.  And even if I do, I agree, you work your way into the tongue, just don't throw it out there immediately.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on August 26, 2015, 02:31:32 PM

Definitely over thinking it, but like I said, I can't read this girl at all and hence my over thinking.  Usually I am pretty good at reading the body language, the little hints, or the girl flat out tells me what's on her mind.  I have none of that other than the "this is bad" comment that I can't figure out.

What was the context of her "riding you" comment?   Was it at all sexy, or was it more that ironic hipster "let's confront the elephant in the room so that it seems as if the elephant isn't there anymore" thing that the kids do these days?   Because to me, if a girl gives that vibe of "I'm not a slut, but I'm ready willing and able to approximate one for my beloved", that's a good sign all around.  If she was just making an awkward joke, then I can't help you. :)


Quote
With regards to this, what's everyone's opinions on kissing on first dates?  I normally don't, especially if I really like the girl.  And even if I do, I agree, you work your way into the tongue, just don't throw it out there immediately.

Kissing is like the intro to Shine On You Crazy Diamond; it goes on for what seems like forever, but every last note is essential and crucial.   You can't rush a great kiss.   I play the "kiss" by ear; I've had shitty dates that ended in a kiss, and I've had awesome dates that ended with a hand squeeze (and all points in between).   But even in a long term relationship, you don't pull out the tongue right away.  It's like starting a meal with the steak. It's like starting a song with the guitar solo.  It's like starting a fireworks exhibition with the grand finale... you get the picture.  The tongue is supposed to take a good kiss to the next level.   Push your partner over the edge, so to speak.

Kissing is as non-negotiable to me as any trait can be.  I have absolutely moved on from pretty, smart women because they were horrible kissers.  Shallow?  Perhaps, but it is important and I enjoy what the kids used to call "making out" as much as anything else in the physical arena. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on August 26, 2015, 03:08:55 PM
I just came out and brought up my concerns regarding the "this is bad" comment and not giving any answer to hanging out again this afternoon.  Im glad I did that.  She said she didnt remember the this is bad comment but if she did say it (which I know she did, she has an admittingly bad memory) it was in a good way as in our kissing was so good that it was bad, if that makes sense.  She also then made plans for Friday night with me and then was happy I brought it up to clear the air.  So all is good, clearly I was just over thinking things this morning/afternoon, but I feel so much better getting it off my chest.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on August 26, 2015, 05:29:45 PM
Yay, that's good news! My initial thought on that comment when I read your post was her meaning that it was bad she was so into kissing you, but in a good way. If that makes sense.
As for the OK Cupid message thing, it sounds like it was not intentional. She's probably talking to other dudes on there and obviously it's not serious between you two, so not an issue right now IMO.


He may have also been worried that had he offered you a ride to your house, you would have interpreted that as him trying to coerce you into sleeping with him. I've been worried about that on first dates in the past.

That's a good point, too.

That's upsetting.  Hopefully he responded to you by now as he should be up, but I know I'd be upset if I felt like the date went well and then you send the "hey had a great time tonight" message and didn't get a response.

He ended up responding RIGHT after I wrote this post  :lol.. he also thanked me for a lovely night and whatnot. I invited him to a party I'm having Friday. He has plans but says we should hang again soon, so yay.

And yeah I know, you'd think after going in with the tongue he wouldn't be shy about the ride  :lol


There were two things that kind of threw me off. One, we kissed goodbye but he went right in for an open-mouthed kiss without easing into it. I thought that was weird- you don't just go in with tongue extended! Not a big deal, but it just weirded me out a bit.


BIG turn-off for me, for what it's worth (exactly, NOTHING). 

Haha, but good to know I'm not alone in finding it weird.


With regards to this, what's everyone's opinions on kissing on first dates?  I normally don't, especially if I really like the girl.  And even if I do, I agree, you work your way into the tongue, just don't throw it out there immediately.

I'm a fan of kissing on the first date. generally. It doesn't have to happen but to me it's sort of a "sealing the deal" and confirmation that the date went well. I second-guess myself a lot and wonder if I'm misreading somebody's signals, so if he goes in for the kiss I know that I was right and I am happy  ;D

Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Prog Snob on August 27, 2015, 05:14:35 AM
How's everyone doing in Lonely Hearts Land?
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on August 27, 2015, 06:04:00 AM
Good stuff Bout to Crash... which brings me to another question.  You offered to bring the guy to a party where I assume you have lots of friends.  How early do you introduce a new guy/gal to your friends?  I dated something like 10 girls this past year and never introduced any to my friends.  Reason, not a single one of those girls became serious and none lasted more than a month or so.  I also only met one friend of those 10 girls so it's not like they were introducing me to friends either. 

I personally am not really interested in meeting my dates friends until I am comfortable with my date, essentially I want to get to know them before I get to know their friends.  But I also get social anxiety when I am surrounded by people I do not know.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on August 27, 2015, 06:46:51 PM
Well, it kind of depends. Normally I wouldn't do this with somebody I had only gone out with once, but since I happened to be hosting a shindig I figured I'd at least extend the invite (knowing also that he most likely already had plans since it was two days away and he obviously is involved with multiple women). I figured a gathering like this particular one would be cool and low pressure because there will only be a few people there (10ish?) and we'll be watching movies. So he wouldn't be in the hot seat or anything having to talk to my friends all night  :lol

In the past... well, several of my boyfriends I met through mutual friends, so it wasn't an issue. The last guy I seriously dated, he met a couple of my friends within the first couple weeks of our getting together because we all went to see Nymphomaniac... which of course brought us closer together  :P

I have been introduced to a guy's friends fairly early on, and was fine with it. I like meeting new people and I also learn more about the person I'm dating by meeting the people they hang out with. Going to a party with tons of people is pretty overwhelming when it's all new, but a few is fine.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on August 28, 2015, 05:53:39 AM
Yea, everyone is different and you come off as a very outgoing person so I would imagine being around new people is much easier for you than it is for me so I kind of stay away from meeting friends until I am fully comfortable and know the girl well enough to be able to extend our relationship through our friends. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on August 28, 2015, 08:51:32 AM
That makes total sense.

Omg you guys, let me share with you my weird little drama story.

A week ago, my friend had a birthday party that got a little crazy, like they usually do. Long story short, I ended up hooking up with my friend's ex-husband (they're still very close and he appears to be staying with her). He's a super cool dude but I've never really been into him and it just sort of happened. It was awkward but fun. So we messaged on FB a bit over the next few days but not very much- he was coming on a bit strong so I sorta backed off a little. I did invite him to a little shindig I'm having tonight, and he enthusiastically accepted. Then on Wednesday he sent me a random FB message just saying "*smooch* ;)"
I was in the middle of a work day and also felt a bit awkward so I never replied. A few hours later he had changed his RSVP on my event page from a yes to a maybe. Yesterday I checked the page to see who was coming, and he was off the list altogether. Since he didn't give any explanation and I knew he didn't have plans, I assumed it was because I didn't return his message. I'm not going to play that "Awww please come to my party" game, so I didn't say anything. Well, at about 1:30 this morning he messaged me saying "So I'm uninvited? Goodbye".. and he blocked me on FB.

What in the actual fuck?? Normally I'd be worried about somebody disliking me for no reason because I'm such a "nice" person that is afraid of upsetting others, but I'm more just disturbed by this kind of behavior, especially coming from a guy in his forties. We both know I didn't uninvite him, so he either forgot he removed himself from the event or he's playing a big headgame, trying to get me to apologize or something. I didn't apologize, but I did send him an email telling him I had no idea what he was talking about. Mostly I don't want to make things awkward with my friend, because he's there almost every time I hang with her. Seriously though, what a psycho  :|

Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on August 28, 2015, 09:20:25 AM
40 year olds playing games seems very uninteresting to me and then add in the whole your friends x husband and that just seems like a weird situation
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: sylvan on August 28, 2015, 10:20:10 AM
Does your friend know that you two "hooked-up"? If so, she's cool with it even though they're still close enough for them to be staying together? I find that part of this to be the most interesting. And I mean nothing by this, I just find it curious and maybe not what I'd expect.

I've read multiple times, just recently mind you, that you've said you found something to be awkward, or wierd, or made you uncomfortable. And you seem to extend yourself past where most females will, in that you don't shy away from the situation and make some effort to not let it be a trivial issue. Just like your email to this guy. He's acting like a child, and you're still giving him a chance to not be a douche. If he doesn't take advantage of moving past his stupid/weak/childish moment, then maybe he is psycho. Immature at the least. We all do and say dumb things sometimes. Good on you for seeing past that. But, ya know... crazy people gonna be cray cray!
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on August 28, 2015, 11:57:34 AM
 :lol, true that.

My friend and this guy are long divorced and both polyamorous, so it's not weird at all. I'm not sure if she knows all the details of what happened but she does know we hooked up and did not seem bothered by it. Fairly normal at these types of parties with this group of friends. I'm more concerned that he will tell her I did some shit I didn't and she will get pissed.. but she's not the immature type who's just going to stop being my friend or something because of him. I was thinking about reaching out to her to try and prevent further drama, but don't want to make her uncomfortable.

And yeah, I am pretty forgiving when it comes to this shit. Maybe too much!
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Elite on August 28, 2015, 04:33:04 PM
"If we hang out I'll give your orgasms all night."

Sorry, I just had to give this one a little attention, because this literally got me laughing :rollin

Do people seriously do this? :lol
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on August 28, 2015, 04:40:34 PM
Yes, every girl I've met online has told me they get countless messages like that.  :facepalm:
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on August 28, 2015, 06:08:41 PM
Yep  :|

So I think I may send my friend a message about this dude. I don't want to put her in a shitty position so I plan to preface it by saying that and telling her it's totally okay to plead the fifth if she wants to. I just don't know how to proceed if the guy refuses to talk and blocks me. I honestly am not too concerned about having much of a relationship with him since it's clear he's a fucking man-child, but I don't want things to get fucked up with me and her since they are super close, and he and I will still be at a lot of the same social events together. Blegh.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: kingshmegland on August 28, 2015, 06:16:51 PM
We're all man child's when we can.   :lol
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Dr. DTVT on August 28, 2015, 08:49:55 PM
Fuck it, I'm here forever.  I'm not even going to try anymore, it's not worth my time or effort.  Bitches be cray cray.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on August 29, 2015, 01:18:29 AM
Fuck it, I'm here forever.  I'm not even going to try anymore, it's not worth my time or effort.  Bitches be cray cray.

Sorry to hear that, but don't give up hope.  Someone out there is worth your time and effort and that will be appreciated.  Regardless bitches be cray cray  :biggrin:
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: sylvan on August 29, 2015, 06:30:35 AM
Bitches be cray cray.

bitches be cray cray  :biggrin:

Agreed. But....

"If we hang out I'll give your orgasms all night."
Yes, every girl I've met online has told me they get countless messages like that.  :facepalm:

 :facepalm: :facepalm: :facepalm:
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: KevShmev on August 29, 2015, 06:54:19 AM



There were two things that kind of threw me off. One, we kissed goodbye but he went right in for an open-mouthed kiss without easing into it. I thought that was weird- you don't just go in with tongue extended! Not a big deal, but it just weirded me out a bit.


BIG turn-off for me, for what it's worth (exactly, NOTHING). 

With regards to this, what's everyone's opinions on kissing on first dates?  I normally don't, especially if I really like the girl.  And even if I do, I agree, you work your way into the tongue, just don't throw it out there immediately.

Pretty normal for there to be a kiss of some kind at the end, assuming things went well. 

As for the tongue thing, yeah, I agree with you guys.  I briefly dated a girl a while back, who had great full lips, but her kissing consisted of all tongue.  I was like, what a waste of a great pair of lips.  :lol :lol
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on August 29, 2015, 03:30:03 PM
Aww, that's the worst. I'm sort of a "less is more" person when it comes to tongue, but of course your kissing style is different with everybody.

Guys, I heard back from the dude who flipped out and thought I uninvited him to my party. Apparently it was a Facebook-related misunderstanding (like, I don't think he realized he removed himself from the event, then got insulted thinking I did). We're okay now, but of course I'm still a bit turned off due to the fact that he actually deactivated his account over the whole thing (turns out I wasn't blocked) rather than just fucking talking to me about it sooner. He asked me basically what I wanted and I told him nothing serious and I didn't have a lot of time to invest. He thought I was sending a "fuck off" message by not replying much to him, but I told him that I was busy and that it's more of a "back off a little." He was cool with that. I have no idea when I'll see him next because he lives an hour away, but obviously not in a hurry to do so.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Dr. DTVT on August 29, 2015, 11:20:54 PM
It's not happening.  I'm not just on a different wavelength than most women, I'm also phase shifted.  At least the feelings tend to be mutual non-interest.  I'm not interested in single mothers, the emotionally damaged, the uneducated, and the largely defective dating pool that remains at my age; and women don't seem to be interested in me because I'm extremely intelligent, overweight, don't drive a truck or other penis compensating vehicle, I'm not edgy enough because I don't have any tats, and live a life free of drugs and police raids - you know, boring.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on August 30, 2015, 01:12:40 AM
 :-\ :heart

There's a boring, intelligent woman out there somewhere for you! But hey, we're all a bit emotionally damaged.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Dr. DTVT on August 30, 2015, 07:19:50 AM
I was more or less lamenting that in at least 1/3 of the profiles I come across, they explicitly state they want a guy who has a job, a car, doesn't live with parents, and doesn't do drugs...the opposite of the "bad boy" that all of them seemingly secretly want. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: kingshmegland on August 30, 2015, 07:23:08 AM
My wife says you're too good not to find someone Mason.  Keep putting yourself out there. It will happen.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Dr. DTVT on August 30, 2015, 07:45:57 AM
The only thing left at this point seem to be table scraps, women who don't have their act together or are immature, the super religious (mutual lack of interest), the redneck variety (again, mutual disinterest), or in the case of the coolest woman I met down here - gay.  The one single woman who gets my sense of humor, enjoys the same activities I do, loves football & dogs, has the same thirst for knowledge, and enjoys my company... is only attracted to other women.  Great joke universe.  Bravo :clap:

Being good has gotten me nowhere in dating or life.  Maybe that's why DTF is largely a sausage fest - we're all by and large "just good guys".
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: kingshmegland on August 30, 2015, 08:23:53 AM
Differences is good in a relationship.   Sure there are a few common likes but we all need a little individuality.   To keep a relationship healthy, both have to keep their individuality.

There's someone there Mason.  There is.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: TioJorge on August 30, 2015, 08:38:39 AM
I'll tell ya what brodood, attitude and confidence makes an omniverse of difference. In every way imaginable. Just because you're an awesomely intelligent drug-free mad scientist doesn't mean you're boring. However, I can absolutely guarantee that an attitude like that and the self-depreciating vibe that one gives off when in that state of mind is like the biggest, best cock block to yourself you could ever have. Think about all the dirty sluts out there. For every dirty slut, there's also a geeky do-gooder genius like yourself.

I live with my father (granted, out of choice) and my sister and my niece, I work at a restaurant and never, ever have weekends (my 'weekends are Mondays), and most would say that at my best, I'm a crazy bastard. But recently, after my little sabbatical, I decided to stop being down on myself because it's useless. Utterly useless, to myself and especially to people around me and/or ten fold for those that I'm interested in romantically or even just casual flings. My point is that with that kind of thought process, you can forget about any relationship unless the woman is just as self-depreciating. But forget about bases, you won't even get on the field unless you realize and know how awesome you are and project that outwards. But, y'know...not too much. There's definitely a line where confidence meets douchebag and it's a pretty thin line.  :lol

Anyway, I just wanted to throw that out there. This world only needs one Kotow ( :P :heart). At one point I probably made Kotow look like a fucking ball of sunshine and hope, and wouldn't you know it, I was miserable and any potential romantic interest I had fell flat. I've tried my damndest to change my state of mind and not be down on myself and surprise surprise, I've been on dates I wouldn't have thought I'd go on, met people I didn't think would be interested in me, even rekindled an old flame, and am no longer depressed about being depressed about not being a perfect being and blah fucking blah. No one needs it or wants it. I just wanted to say that you're awesome and fuck anyone's preconceived notions about what dating is or should be or who should be dating who, etc. x infinity. Getting worked up over stuff like that is not just useless, it's backtracking. Get your head straight, get right with yourself personally, physically, mentally...and then put yourself out there; I'll bet you dollars to doughnuts you'll see a difference. If she's not into you, then onto the next. You'll find someone. Unless you stop looking and break down. That's the only way you'll guarantee your own destiny in what you just wrote on this page. That's it.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on August 30, 2015, 10:00:12 AM
Confidence is definitely important.  I can see why Dr. is annoyed though, I notice the same thing with woman online.  Keep your chin up and keep looking for what you want in a girl, but you are going to have to accept that as you get older, everyone is going to have some sort of baggage. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: MoraWintersoul on August 30, 2015, 12:47:48 PM
It's not happening.  I'm not just on a different wavelength than most women, I'm also phase shifted.  At least the feelings tend to be mutual non-interest.  I'm not interested in single mothers, the emotionally damaged, the uneducated, and the largely defective dating pool that remains at my age; and women don't seem to be interested in me because I'm extremely intelligent, overweight, don't drive a truck or other penis compensating vehicle, I'm not edgy enough because I don't have any tats, and live a life free of drugs and police raids - you know, boring.
If I'm going to be brutally honest, that sort of attitude towards dating and yourself isn't very attractive. I don't believe in the power of thoughts or magical attraction or whatever, but I would know this attitude when I see it.

At your age, there just aren't any "groups" of bad guys and good guys. Like maybe that sorta thing figures in one's very early 20's or something. Afterwards there are people who have interesting lives you'd like to be a part of, and people who just don't do anything of interest to you, whether they have 0 or 20 tattoos. If you wouldn't give a woman shit for drinking one too many glasses of wine at a party or something, you absolutely aren't too goodie-goodie for any woman, no matter what anyone says. If you're a boring person, you're a boring person, but you can be a cool person (AND, considered to be cool) without doing drugs and getting tattoos. Like, you seem to be stuck in this jocks vs geeks stereotype, and maybe you make it seem true to you, but to everyone else it's not the truth.

You seem to elevate yourself from the rest of your dating pool and at the same time you're kind of self-deprecating. But, you know, man, you're an ordinary person. Sure, you are very intelligent, have a cool academic career, but so do thousands of other people! You're overweight, but hundreds of thousands of other men are, and hundreds of thousands of women date them!

And you seem to put people into neat little categories. You know, I met a guy I liked who was just the right thing for me, and he turned out to be not so rosy. I was going after viking-looking guys with tats and great hair and I wasn't finding any decent fellas, but I didn't just say they're not interested in good girls who don't do drugs and don't fuck on the first date. I met my boyfriend who's a software dev, has played more video games than I've seen in my life, who's twice my weight, hates prog :biggrin: and based on your view of the world, I should have coldly rejected him, right? But I chased after him for a month, because I find him attractive, fun, full of life, and he makes me feel secure and wonderful. Even though I have to go to some other people to discuss sociology and music and if he has to ask someone else for advice on his job, we belong together. Because I've also made an effort to cheer for him when he plays a game and he made an effort to have an opinion about women's clothes.

No, you don't have to settle for someone who doesn't make you happy. But at the same time, you need to start looking out of the box, and seeing what really attracts the type of women that you're attracted to, and then getting that quality and start demonstrating it to the world. There are downsides to every quality. When I wasn't too attractive, I attracted the sort of guy who thought they were doing me a favor by being interested in me. Now when I'm more attractive, I've run into guys who only want a hot bod since the only other person they're interested in is themselves. But you can't get to both label large segments of your dating pool as "defective" and then not do anything to widen it (become more attractive, more outgoing, more interesting, more loving).
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on August 30, 2015, 01:32:51 PM
Yep.

I'll tell ya what brodood, attitude and confidence makes an omniverse of difference. In every way imaginable. Just because you're an awesomely intelligent drug-free mad scientist doesn't mean you're boring. However, I can absolutely guarantee that an attitude like that and the self-depreciating vibe that one gives off when in that state of mind is like the biggest, best cock block to yourself you could ever have.

:clap:

I know it's all disheartening as fuck, but having that attitude really does hurt you.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: DebraKadabra on August 30, 2015, 03:24:51 PM
I'm going to flat-out admit something here - I totally get the good Doc's attitude, but at the same time I'm becoming more and more comfortable with who and how I am. I'm also more accepting of the fact that I was settling for people who have similar qualities/personality of my mother because I felt I didn't deserve anyone who has similar qualities/personality of my father. I figured that shit out in the shower. At 45 years old. Finally. :lol

In all seriousness though, I agree with stepping out of the box/your "comfort zone". That's... just way too limiting. Plus, even as a slightly overweight female (I'm still working on that too)... I've noticed that when the girls and I go out for our monthly excursions, we have SUCH a good time that we definitely attract a fair bit of attention to ourselves.

And isn't that what life is all about? Being comfortable with all of your faults, but having a great time regardless?
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on August 30, 2015, 05:16:00 PM
Sorry, but I am extremely intelligent (MENSA), overweight (5'8", 230), don't drive a truck or other penis compensating vehicle (though I don't have to, if you get what I'm saying), not edgy because I don't have any tats (not a one), and live a life free of drugs and police raids, and I just married a girl who is - literally, I shit you not - a beauty pageant winner.

Your predicament has NOTHING to do with the "dating pool" and everything to do with YOU.   (And by the way, bad move self-limiting on the "single moms", but that is just me talking). 

Man up and take responsibility for where you are in life.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on August 30, 2015, 09:03:37 PM
:clap:

pics plz
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Dr. DTVT on August 30, 2015, 10:33:54 PM
I'm sorry for wanting things a certain way.  I probably put more effort to get where I am career wise than 99% of the population, so I don't think it is unfair to ask that I get some say in who I am interested in.

A ton of ladies want someone religious - that's not me.  I want to raise my own family, not someone else's aborted one - I'm not interested in single moms.  Good for you if you are, but it's not too late for me yet.  Someone who lives a country life and is interested in muddin' and shootin' and every other country activity isn't going to relate to someone who reads science research for fun and thinks a fun time with friends is a board game night.  I have a somewhat warped sense of humor that some people find off putting.  I have a taste in music that most people don't appreciate (don't we all here  :biggrin:).

I don't see the problem as being me.  Just because I complain about the dating pool doesn't mean I'm unhappy in life or have some other issue you want to paint me with.  I like pretty much everything about me, except for my blown out knees, but they aren't the issue.  I see it this way - I'm selling gourmet food, but my potential customers can't afford it (those I'm not interested in), aren't willing to try what I'm offering and want to stick with their comfort food (the small handful that I'm interested in, but they aren't interested), or have a food allergy to what I'm selling (I fit one of their dealbreakers).
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on August 30, 2015, 11:37:49 PM
I see what you're saying, but to stick with the food analogy: you can't know whether you'll like something until you try it. That goes for you and them. Of course if you disagree on fundamental stuff like religion it might not be negotiable, but what if you met a really awesome lady with a really awesome kid and you had chemistry?
Also: A family is whatever you want to define it as, and I know many people (including my mother, who was basically a single mom for most of my childhood), who would find your statement about "someone else's aborted family" a bit ignorant and offensive.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: MoraWintersoul on August 31, 2015, 05:45:15 AM
Also: A family is whatever you want to define it as, and I know many people (including my mother, who was basically a single mom for most of my childhood), who would find your statement about "someone else's aborted family" a bit ignorant and offensive.
My mom is also a single mom. She's great and attractive and had a great career in law. It's a bit baffling coming from someone otherwise as laid-back as DTVT tbh.

You seem to live in a bit backwards area, but dammit, in Serbia 80% of people are religious, some are functionally illiterate, most folks in my parents' generation agree you're a fucking idiot for even going to college, let alone pursuing something greater, nerds are about as ostracized in high school as in any Hollywood movie... and yet, none of my geek atheist friends have no difficulties finding geek atheist girlfriends or girlfriends who don't share their interests but are laid back and tolerant. My chronically ill, formerly suicidal, geekier than everyone-friend is happily married. We're not saying something's wrong with you. We're saying all gourmet restaurants have loyal customers, unless you wanna name them "Don't Bother Coming In".
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Lynxo on August 31, 2015, 06:45:35 AM
Great responses here. :tup

I've been single for about six months now and I still struggle with it and have days when everything feels hopeless and that I'll never find someone else again. So I can really relate to those feelings.
And that's why it's so great reading you guys responses here. Thank you, DTF.  :heart
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: sylvan on August 31, 2015, 07:03:18 AM
I'm sorry for wanting things a certain way... so I don't think it is unfair to ask that I get some say in who I am interested in.

You might just hear these exact same words from a woman. Turns out they're just as picky as men  ???.  I get it, especially about the single mom thing. I simply wanted to have the option of starting a family from scratch. Nothing wrong with that. Unfortunately, that will single out a lot of great people. I've become more open to the idea of at least dating a woman with a child. If she's awesome,and thinks I'm awesome, then that's a win. Figure out the rest later. I just think you might be drawing TOO many lines.

I got moderator status on okcupid. It's not as interesting as okcreepsters,  but I'm sure one of those messages will pop up eventually.

So I had like 10 days left on my  match.com membership. I figured I'd add another pic as a groomsmen for my buddy as a profile pic. So all of a sudden I'm getting a bunch of views from a lot of local profiles I've never even come across. Or people I've messaged and got no reply are checking back. Weird. I got three winks and messages from three different women. I'm more used to no replies than I am with getting initial interest from them.

I'm starting to understand the female perspective when it comes to messaging. I've been messaging with someone that seems cool. Not a whole lot of effort required to carry on conversation... easy. I started talking to another woman who doesn't really seem like my type, but I'm being open. I have all sort of stuff in my profile to talk about, but this convo isn't moving so well. And I find that I'm not really attracted to her physically. I might need to give that default "Not my type" message. Lastly, after seeing all the cool things I have on profile to talk about, I got a PUA "Serious question: Pancakes or waffles?" I see all the ladies on okcreepster lampooning guys for using these lines, but I know why she would. So I'm not inclined to give her shit for it, but come on!

Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on August 31, 2015, 07:24:16 AM
I'm sorry for wanting things a certain way.  I probably put more effort to get where I am career wise than 99% of the population, so I don't think it is unfair to ask that I get some say in who I am interested in.

A ton of ladies want someone religious - that's not me.  I want to raise my own family, not someone else's aborted one - I'm not interested in single moms.  Good for you if you are, but it's not too late for me yet.  Someone who lives a country life and is interested in muddin' and shootin' and every other country activity isn't going to relate to someone who reads science research for fun and thinks a fun time with friends is a board game night.  I have a somewhat warped sense of humor that some people find off putting.  I have a taste in music that most people don't appreciate (don't we all here  :biggrin:).

I don't see the problem as being me.  Just because I complain about the dating pool doesn't mean I'm unhappy in life or have some other issue you want to paint me with.  I like pretty much everything about me, except for my blown out knees, but they aren't the issue.  I see it this way - I'm selling gourmet food, but my potential customers can't afford it (those I'm not interested in), aren't willing to try what I'm offering and want to stick with their comfort food (the small handful that I'm interested in, but they aren't interested), or have a food allergy to what I'm selling (I fit one of their dealbreakers).

Look, I admit I was a little harsh, but I guess I'm saying that you have all these rules, and what are rules but made to be broken?   I've been lucky enough to meet someone who was my checklist from top to bottom: smarts, looks, money, geography, music, sports... and we lasted about 72 hours.   I couldn't wait to be done with that.   I don't know that I would have given my wife the time o'day if we were talking about "rules" and "checklists" and "what I want", but I did.  And I realized that the more time I spent with her, the more I looked forward to seeing her again.  I have a JD and an MBA, she finished high school and did a tech school for two years; so what?  She can hold a conversation, and is actually rather well read.  I would have preferred one child (because I have one) but she has three, and one is, let's say, behaviorally challenged.  Okay, who wants to get involved in that, right?   But it has been as rewarding as it is challenging, and the kid is a good kid at heart who just needs some direction.   I could continue to go down the list, but at the end of the day, we treat each other with respect and dignity, and we both just enjoy each others' company.  Maybe that's not for you, I get that.   I find it hard to believe you are dating her degrees or her CD collection, though.   If you click, it doesn't matter what you both listen to, you compromise and you respect what she likes and more importantly, WHY she likes it. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, instead of looking at all the ways that the entire population is conspired against you, and how every woman is a bad fit for some reason or another, why not try to look at all the ways these women MIGHT be a good fit?   You don't think there's at least ONE city girl out there who is ready willing and able to tackle the country life, but has no idea what it is or what it offers until she meets a compassionate, caring teacher like yourself?   


As for the "single mom" thing, to each their own, but speaking as someone who understands your point of view (and perhaps said as much a couple years ago) I can tell you that we as humans are a product of our experiences.  And when I got divorced, it got to the point that I finally changed my tune to the one above.   This might seem harsher and more calculating than I mean it, but there are a LOT of women out there who married the high school sweetheart, and found out that people don't always grow and mature and age at the same pace or in the same direction, and while they have a child, they know exactly what is important (read:  not usually the six pack, the vehicular penile simulator, or dumb muscles) and understand that they are lucky to be able to have a second chance at finding someone who cares for them.   It's like the "hot stove" analogy I use a lot; you can tell someone to not touch the stove 1,000 times, but they WILL touch the stove, they WILL realize that it is hot and it hurts, and they WILL NOT touch it again.   My wife knows full well that if the worst thing she has to put up with in her life now is a husband who likes to crank out 15-minute prog metal opuses on occasion, or will sometimes bang out "Love Gun" while driving, then, so be it.   She knows I'm coming home to her every night, and she knows I will be sober when I do.  She knows I'm thinking of her as much as myself when I make familial decisions, and she knows I consider her kids as my own.  The rest... doesn't mean shit at the end of the day. 

But, if you have a different standard, so be it.  Just own it; don't blame 1,000,000 women for your decision, that's all I'm saying.  It's not their fault.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on August 31, 2015, 10:46:43 AM
It's perfectly fine to set some sort of standard for what you look for in a girl, and dating in general helps you find this standard for what you want.  BUT to hold that standard as the end all be all and you will likely miss out on someone who COULD be amazing.  If single mother's arent your thing, fine, but in all seriousness, if you met a single mother who fit all your criteria and you really enjoyed spending time with and then found out she was a mom, would you end it? 

I list in my profile I am not interested in single moms (through the okcupid questions) but in reality, in the above scenario, I would give it a try if the woman was that awesome in every other way.  Being a mom doesn't make you a bad person, but I understand there is a different aspect to a relationship that has a kid involved. 

My point is, being so closed minded won't help in finding a partner for life. 

I should also add, that you remind me a bit of myself with the basics you described... I have an engineering degree (nerd), I like metal music (metalhead), I play video games (dork), no tats and can't grow a beard (not a badass), and I am overweight (fatass).   I still manage to find really awesome girls who can dig my style although I will admit, I have not had Stadler's luck of getting that 10 model, but then again I don't put too much stock into looks, just as long as I find the girl attractive.  Beauty fades so it's not the most important trait for me.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on August 31, 2015, 11:43:11 AM
I should also add, that you remind me a bit of myself with the basics you described... I have an engineering degree (nerd), I like metal music (metalhead), I play video games (dork), no tats and can't grow a beard (not a badass), and I am overweight (fatass).   I still manage to find really awesome girls who can dig my style although I will admit, I have not had Stadler's luck of getting that 10 model, but then again I don't put too much stock into looks, just as long as I find the girl attractive.  Beauty fades so it's not the most important trait for me.

And don't get me wrong; I know I hit the lottery.  But I'd be with her even if that wasn't the case, because we click on almost all levels (and those we don't, we compromise and respect the difference).

My point isn't "hold out for a supermodel"; my point is, don't box your self in then whine about the box you're in.   

I've said this before, but when I was going through my divorce and soon after, I would go to the local bar around the corner from me, bring my crossword puzzles, and sit there and talk to people.  ANYONE.   And I met 20-something college girls, and 60-something grandmothers, and everything in between.  And the one thing I learned is:  almost every one of them had something - SOMETHING - interesting about them, and almost all of them had something - SOMETHING - that was an issue.   I think the one trick is, I would talk to anyone, and I was genuinely interested in what they had to say (to a point).  I'm not saying I would date all - or even most - of them.  But I got to meet a lot of interesting people, I coulda had a decent amount of sex, and a decent amount of companionship, if I wanted.  THEN I can use my rules to rule out those that aren't my thing.  That's very different than saying "I'm picky!" then complaining that girls don't like this or that.   They are out there, it just takes effort to find them.  There is no magic pill or website to do it for you.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on August 31, 2015, 11:53:57 AM
If you've never sat at a bar and done crossword puzzles, we are not a match.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on August 31, 2015, 12:58:01 PM
If you've never sat at a bar and done crossword puzzles, we are not a match.

Haha, laugh all you want, it is the best icebreaker on the planet that doesn't use gasoline or allow you to meet the band.  Bear in mind, it is a bar that is half locals and half UConn law students, so there is that, but I can't tell you how many finished crosswords I had with a phone number scribbled on the top.   

Think about the message it sends:  either pathetic nerd, or (more likely) intelligent, confident, not "on the prowl", and therefore relatively harmless.   I figured, any woman that engaged in a conversation probably wasn't thinking the first one, and even if they were, they were talking to me, so at least I had a passing shot to dissuade her of that notion. Win win.   
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on August 31, 2015, 01:01:33 PM
I hear you. I used to sit and do sudoku because I'd show up an hour before my friends :lol
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on August 31, 2015, 02:52:57 PM
Next time I travel alone I am going to have to give the crossword puzzle at a bar a try.

Think about the message it sends:  either pathetic nerd, or (more likely) intelligent, confident, not "on the prowl", and therefore relatively harmless.   I figured, any woman that engaged in a conversation probably wasn't thinking the first one, and even if they were, they were talking to me, so at least I had a passing shot to dissuade her of that notion. Win win.   

Ya know, now that you say that.  When I have traveled alone in the past and made it out to a bar, every single woman I met in those bars all noted I had "balls" to go out alone.  I always thought it was depressing to do so and only did it because what else am I going to do on a 2 week trip alone thousands of miles away from anyone I know?  But when you think about it, I guess it does send some sort of message that is more positive than "depressing".  Really got to do the crosswords next time lol
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: sylvan on September 06, 2015, 08:46:32 PM
Hey cram, are you still holding on while out of town?

I went on a first date tonight. I thought it went well. We're both online dating for the same reasons, she's athletic, and we both are picky eaters ( I always thought I was picky, she wins). Her bro is blind and so is my dad. That was a cool thing to have in common. She laughed a lot, mentioned a couple times about doing something during the week. I'm optimistic and excited.

I was messaging with another woman, seemingly completely different from the other, and she gave me her number. I've texted with her a little, but she's busy with the holiday weekend, and I kinda don't wanna rush into trying to date multiple women at the same time. If it happens, I'll do my best. Otherwise, I slowed down so as to not call someone by another's name, again :facepalm:.

On another site, I saw a bombshell with a 92% match. Clicked on her profile, she plays cello in rock based bands, claims Archer is her spirit animal, loves bourbon, super smart/educated/successful. All of that adds up to several levels out of my league. I messaged her about her music and how Archer is awesome. We messaged a few times, and I just decided to ask if she wants to go find some live music and grab a scotch. "That sounds great!" Wait, what? I still am trying to lock something down. Fingers crossed...
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on September 07, 2015, 05:47:18 AM
My business trips are almost all work and no play so the reality of meeting anyone is really slim, but if I were to be able to go out with a girl I would.  Assuming I am not in anything serious or felt like I was going to be in something serious with someone back at home.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on September 12, 2015, 08:42:39 PM
sylvan, sounds promising!  :tup

I had a date last night... with a lady :eyebrows:
We've hung out in the past and we kissed once before but last night we actually got to make out. At the drive-in. That was nice. She's a bit older (42) and a total MILF. Super cool and we have a lot in common. I'm not quite as into girls as guys, but I always feel like the conversation part of things is much easier on girl dates. It's the initiating of kissing, etc. that's harder. With dudes I can almost always count on them to make the move. Last night I leaned in for the kiss, which was weird for me. She said that she usually feels like a woman in charge but with me felt like a teenage boy  :lol
Not sure when we will hang again but hopefully soon.

I also had my third date with that OkCupid guy I think I mentioned on Wednesday. He is also 42 (it's the answer!) and super cool. We had a very steamy makeout session on the top level of a parking garage after seeing a movie, which was awesome. I'm waiting to hear back from him on his availability next week so we can hopefully hang out.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on September 12, 2015, 11:41:38 PM
Nice and nice!  :)  I think kissing and a good make out sesh is awesome and crucial to the beginning of something.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Sub Luna Vitrea on September 13, 2015, 07:23:27 AM
talking to:
1. a broad-shouldered table-top gamer with a majestic beard working on his PhD in feminist studies
2. a really hot democratic socialist biker dude who would be a fun challenge to try to convert to the far left
3. an extraordinarily smart (and handsome) guy who just came to america and doesn't speak very good english, so i have mostly been talking to him in spanish about politics and economics
4. a 23-year-old liberal arts student who loves alternative rock and grunge music, which is sort of awesome because it's not from her time at all, it was even a little before mine.

i want them all :(
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on September 13, 2015, 08:47:54 AM
Without monogamy, you can have them all!  ;)


And yeah cram, totally. My first couple kisses with the dude were a little awkward (as I think I shared here :lol) but getting much better. It's nice also to just have makeout sessions and be left with anticipation about everything else. I'm not always good at that.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Sub Luna Vitrea on September 13, 2015, 02:08:11 PM
Without monogamy, you can have them all!  ;)

great idea! :)

have dates lined up now with the college girl and the democratic socialist. the spanish speaker, i've been talking to him longer than any of them and he still hasn't asked me out. i think the doctoral student has given up on me.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on September 13, 2015, 04:52:46 PM
And yeah cram, totally. My first couple kisses with the dude were a little awkward (as I think I shared here :lol) but getting much better. It's nice also to just have makeout sessions and be left with anticipation about everything else. I'm not always good at that.

Yea, definitely tough to hold back, but agreed that the build up and anticipation can really pay off.

As for all the people to date, that's great if that can work for you.  I have no idea how I would be able to keep up with multiple dates though.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on September 14, 2015, 07:42:22 AM
2. a really hot democratic socialist biker dude who would be a fun challenge to try to convert to the far left

Not making this political (since it isn't about the ideology) but just to understand, how much further can they GO????  That's kind of like converting a DT fan into a Rush fan... not a big leap.   
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on September 14, 2015, 11:44:37 PM
I was wondering that myself  :lol

Anyway, made date #4 with the dude for Wednesday. I kind of think it's going to uh, go to the next level. I'm going to his place, which I have not been to before :eyebrows:

Also trying to nail down another date with the lady  ;D... but that probably won't be for two weeks since she's busy this week and I'm busy next week.

Meanwhile, people are messaging me on OKC like crazy and I'm overwhelmed. Ain't nobody got time for that. First world problems, bro.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Sub Luna Vitrea on September 15, 2015, 04:08:29 AM
2. a really hot democratic socialist biker dude who would be a fun challenge to try to convert to the far left

Not making this political (since it isn't about the ideology) but just to understand, how much further can they GO????  That's kind of like converting a DT fan into a Rush fan... not a big leap.

I would call Democratic Socialism the closest ideology to the center that is actually left. Anything further right is at least a centrist ideology, but is often confused with leftism by reactionaries, especially in extreme right-wing countries like the United States.

I was wondering that myself  :lol

When I am wondering about something, I usually research it.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on September 15, 2015, 05:47:14 AM
Anyway, made date #4 with the dude for Wednesday. I kind of think it's going to uh, go to the next level. I'm going to his place, which I have not been to before :eyebrows:

Good times, good times!  :hat

Had my 7th date last night with the same girl that I met a month ago now.  Im really liking her, just so much in common and she has a great sense of humor.  We have another date lined up for Thursday.  We also have tickets to see Epica together (assuming they dont cancel, which they have started doing due to Simone's dying father  :sad:) and I got a hotel room in NYC for the evening for us in a couple weeks.  I've never met a female who is into the same music as me so thats another awesome quality.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on September 15, 2015, 07:14:11 AM
especially in extreme right-wing countries like the United States.

Maybe you should "wonder" a little more about the political climate in the United States... "extreme" is not an appropriate descriptor even when compared to some of the more socialist of our world brothers.  We've got nothing on Austria, and actually, right this second (though not generally) we're probably not the most "extreme" on the CONTINENT. 

Not trying to change the thread, just giving you something to use on your next conversion, I mean date.  :)

Serious dating question:  could you date someone you don't share political ideology with?
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Sub Luna Vitrea on September 15, 2015, 09:01:22 AM
especially in extreme right-wing countries like the United States.

Maybe you should "wonder" a little more about the political climate in the United States... "extreme" is not an appropriate descriptor even when compared to some of the more socialist of our world brothers.  We've got nothing on Austria, and actually, right this second (though not generally) we're probably not the most "extreme" on the CONTINENT.

That depends entirely on your perspective, doesn't it? It's not like this is something you can measure or test. What you consider "more right-wing", I might consider relatively progressive. Austria has universal health care, for example.

Libertarians believe in a political compass: socially left, socially right, economically left, economically right. I reject the distinction between social and economic, so already we are running into some language barriers. To me, libertarianism (classical liberalism) and fascism are on the same side of the spectrum, whereas classical libertarianism (anarchosyndicalism) is on the same side as communism. The first two are concerned with preserving, expanding or enforcing a power dynamic, whereas the second two are concerned with eliminating it. The issue of authoritarian vs. non-authoritarian is not the most important issue to me; I am a non-authoritarian, but I view that concept much differently from the way libertarians view it. You see how hard it is to agree on words?

The problem with political debates, I find, is that so much of them involves trying to agree on terms, and very little of it involves discussion of any actual ideas. Labels are often immediately dismissed, and ideas are often immediately labeled to facilitate their dismissal. This is great if you are trying to win an argument, but terrible if you actually are affected by the issues you are trying to discuss.

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Not trying to change the thread, just giving you something to use on your next conversion, I mean date.  :)

The funny thing is I actually have no interest in converting him, and my comment was a joke relying on the incongruity between people's perceptions of Democratic Socialists and the statement itself. People who immediately believe members of the left are nutjobs have a hard time getting such humor, because they have too low an opinion of their ideological opponents' intelligence. This phenomenon is also often seen with men watching female comedians.

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Serious dating question:  could you date someone you don't share political ideology with?

They would have to be on the same side of the spectrum, because my political ideology is based on conclusions I have drawn from things I have seen, witnessed, experienced with my own eyes and ears, felt and observed. Political ideologies on the other side of the spectrum are primarily concerned with either ignoring, invalidating, justifying, rationalizing or marginalizing those things, which is unacceptable to me. I am sure that you, too, have standards for what type of person you allow into your bedroom.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on September 15, 2015, 09:51:04 AM
Serious dating question:  could you date someone you don't share political ideology with?

I definitely could.  My views are mine and hers are hers.  If the views are so strong that you can't agree then obviously we won't be dating anymore, but I would never not date someone just because they have different ideals than I do.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Cedar redaC on September 15, 2015, 11:47:35 AM
Man, this thread has gone P/R!  :lol

DTF: Where everything's speculated and the thread topics don't matter.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on September 15, 2015, 12:28:08 PM
The problem with political debates, I find, is that so much of them involves trying to agree on terms, and very little of it involves discussion of any actual ideas. Labels are often immediately dismissed, and ideas are often immediately labeled to facilitate their dismissal. This is great if you are trying to win an argument, but terrible if you actually are affected by the issues you are trying to discuss.

Though I daresay we share little in terms of the labeling you mentioned (and which I deleted for space, and not to ignore), I couldn't agree more on this last paragraph.   I DO separate the social with the economic (I don't believe government has a place in social politics; that is reserved for the individual, and the individual needs to take responsibility for that), and do so strenuously.   Having said that, I have this conversation a lot, and I find that when we talk about the strategy - the WHAT: what do we want to accomplish, what are our goals - there aren't a lot of differences.  The differences develop when we talk about the tactics - the HOW:  how do we provide access to healthcare, how do we promote public safety, how do we assure ourselves that we are putting the right people to work in the right jobs - that's where we differ. 

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The funny thing is I actually have no interest in converting him, and my comment was a joke relying on the incongruity between people's perceptions of Democratic Socialists and the statement itself. People who immediately believe members of the left are nutjobs have a hard time getting such humor, because they have too low an opinion of their ideological opponents' intelligence. This phenomenon is also often seen with men watching female comedians.

No different than the left referring to those on the right as "extremists" and, well, "nutjobs".  I've actually been called a "Nazi baby-killer" to my face because of my politics, which, besides being ignorant (neither are telltale symptoms of a ultra-conservative in the US today) is incorrect (I am a libertarian and while pro-choice, abortion would not be a ready choice for me, personally).

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They would have to be on the same side of the spectrum, because my political ideology is based on conclusions I have drawn from things I have seen, witnessed, experienced with my own eyes and ears, felt and observed. Political ideologies on the other side of the spectrum are primarily concerned with either ignoring, invalidating, justifying, rationalizing or marginalizing those things, which is unacceptable to me. I am sure that you, too, have standards for what type of person you allow into your bedroom.

And... exactly as I thought: for all your spewing about labels and assumptions and ideologies, you're not much different.  Judge those as inferior who don't think like you.   For me, I have my faults, but I want people who are honest and passionate and open minded in my bedroom.   I want someone who loves ME, and - provided I am not a criminal, predator, or dangerous to myself or society - accepts me for who I am, politics and all.  And my part of the bargain is to accept you as YOU are, politics and all.   If you're being ignored, invalidated, rationalized or marginalized, it's not because you're dating a right winger, it's because you're dating a dick.   And whether you admit to it or not, you are ignoring, invalidating, rationalizing, justifying, and marginalizing ME for my politics (or at least those that think like I do), and therefore those traits are clearly not exclusive to the right (though let me be clear: I am not calling you a "dick").

And this is not "P/R", by the way, it's about the mechanics of dating.  The psychology and politics of dating, and very relevant to the discussion.   Almost as relevant as whether Jackie takes it to the next level or not on the next date.  :)   
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on September 15, 2015, 12:40:27 PM
almost as relevant as whether Jackie takes it to the next level or not on the next date.  :)   

Totally not as relevant as that.  I am at the edge of my seat waiting for the next update like a reality tv show except actually good and real.  :lol
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on September 15, 2015, 12:57:29 PM
almost as relevant as whether Jackie takes it to the next level or not on the next date.  :)   

Totally not as relevant as that.  I am at the edge of my seat waiting for the next update like a reality tv show except actually good and real.  :lol

Yeah, okay.  You're right.  I didn't want to appear over-eager.  :)
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Sub Luna Vitrea on September 15, 2015, 02:01:42 PM
And... exactly as I thought: for all your spewing about labels and assumptions and ideologies, you're not much different.  Judge those as inferior who don't think like you.

I don't judge them as inferior; I think you are making a bit of a leap. In fact, I find that reaction puzzling, although I'm not saying that in a negative way; I just do not understand it. I see the society we live in as one that treats certain people as inferior, and I see right-wing ideologies as being ideologies that perpetuate that dynamic, whether intentionally or via ignorance of the dynamic itself. So for me personally, knowing what I know afnd having seen what I have seen, sleeping with a conservative would be an act of self-disrespect, because I would be allowing someone who knowingly or unknowingly supports my marginalization to use me for their pleasure. That does not mean I don't have conversations with conservatives; it does not mean I refuse to be their friends, or that I don't buy from them or sell to them or work for them. It just means I do not date them.

Because I am a marginalized person, I feel that when I say conservative ideologies are valid, I am allowing my own right to be treated as a human being with dignity to be a topic of debate. And this includes libertarianism, as well-meaning as some libertarians are, because by separating the economic from the social, they are ignoring all of the ways the economy is used to enforce people's marginalization. This ultimately means that when I sleep with a conservative, I treat myself as less than human, and when I don't, I treat myself as being on the same level as them.

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And this is not "P/R", by the way, it's about the mechanics of dating.  The psychology and politics of dating, and very relevant to the discussion.   Almost as relevant as whether Jackie takes it to the next level or not on the next date.  :)   

I agree with that completely.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on September 15, 2015, 05:00:45 PM
I don't judge them as inferior; I think you are making a bit of a leap. In fact, I find that reaction puzzling, although I'm not saying that in a negative way; I just do not understand it. I see the society we live in as one that treats certain people as inferior, and I see right-wing ideologies as being ideologies that perpetuate that dynamic, whether intentionally or via ignorance of the dynamic itself.  So for me personally, knowing what I know afnd having seen what I have seen, sleeping with a conservative would be an act of self-disrespect, because I would be allowing someone who knowingly or unknowingly supports my marginalization to use me for their pleasure. That does not mean I don't have conversations with conservatives; it does not mean I refuse to be their friends, or that I don't buy from them or sell to them or work for them. It just means I do not date them.

You talk of "ignorance of the dynamic"; you DO see that you are basically saying "My experience is that all black people are criminals, and well, I just call it as I see it, so for me to allow black people to live in my community, well, that's just an act of self-disrespect".  How can you possibly talk about "marginalization" and being "disrespected" when you lump 50 million people into one pot labeled with one word?  I can certainly see on an individual level, if a man was a misogynist that it would result in the feelings you are describing, but I'm struggling with how it translates to an entire sector of the human population.

To each their own, though.  No one can tell anyone else who to date.   I know for me, right after my divorce I was thisclose to making an advance at a close friend whose ideology is about 180 degrees from my own, and but for her being 2500 miles away and married (to someone else) I would have.  It would not have been an issue for either of us because we respected the person enough to trust them with our ideas.   

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Because I am a marginalized person, I feel that when I say conservative ideologies are valid, I am allowing my own right to be treated as a human being with dignity to be a topic of debate. And this includes libertarianism, as well-meaning as some libertarians are, because by separating the economic from the social, they are ignoring all of the ways the economy is used to enforce people's marginalization. This ultimately means that when I sleep with a conservative, I treat myself as less than human, and when I don't, I treat myself as being on the same level as them.

This is a complicated statement, so bear with me, but on the simplest of levels, you are marginalized because you allow yourself to feel marginalized, not because of some conservatives' ideals.   I'm not at all hoping to change your mind - my experience is that once you demonize the "other side" there is no going back - but it is clear this goes beyond political ideologies.   And here is something that you might consider:   people tend to look at the world through their own lenses.  This can be problematic, because if the other person isn't wearing your lenses there is a strong possibility of disconnect.   You've said you don't separate economic from social.   And then you said that the conservative/libertarian mindset is one that results in your marginalization because of that "non-separation".  While I understand (well) the law of unintended consequences, it is worth exploring that if the "conservative" (or whoever) doesn't see the world in the same way you do - meaning, DOES separate the social and the economic, and can articulate policies that impact one with minimal impact to the other - perhaps there is room to have the difference in ideology without the feelings of marginalization and disrespect that you feel. 

I offer this with the best of intentions.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: sylvan on September 15, 2015, 05:57:56 PM
Dang cram, 7 dates already in a month? She must be cool.

I find "Jackie" to be intriguing (quotes cuz I mean her general approach to dating, like all the Jackie's out there). Hearing about people being so open to certain types of relationships has had me wondering. I feel like I've been open to what types of people I try to meet, but mostly am meeting people that are generally similar. Yeah, I'd like to find something serious, but am open to meeting someone cool that wants to have a good time. And that doesn't necessarily mean sex. I've been talking to someone that is a little more social than I am, and likes to go out and have some fun. I need to branch out a little, so I thought I would give it a shot. We had lunch, and while she's cool/nice, she's not really my type. She happened to say that she doesn't hook up with guys unless she's in an exclusive relationship. Of course I respect that. But, I feel like my overall perception of the situation changed with that being said. I guess I just wasn't into it.

So if a profile seems inauthentic, is that usually the case? I messaged someone, and got a reply that was longer than her profile. It included all sorts of weird info, including birthday. The first paragraph was kinda broken, but that could be modern autocorrect bs. She didn't answer any of my questions. Let's see what's up...

As for the politics thing, it would be tough if certain specific ideas weren't shared. I've never appreciated political labels as it is, so comes down the specific ideas. Basically what cram said. It's not always a deal breaker.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on September 15, 2015, 06:14:48 PM
7 dates does seem like a lot especially considering I've traveled to Amsterdam,Frankfurt,and Washington DC within that month, but the girl is awesome and totally worth my time.  I have no problem sacrificing sleep or other activities for someone I really like and enjoy being around.  I am also fairly aggressive about spending time together when getting to know someone, I do not like endless texting, let's get face to face and continue doing that if things are going well.

As for online profiles, I put little stock into them once I start talking to someone.  Im not going to reach out to someone who doesn't have an interesting profile, but you have to realize that in a way it's like a resume. Not detailing your history, but giving a brief overview of yourself and sort of an advertisement for yourself.  It's not going to encompass everything.  Now if I met someone and realized they aren't at all who their profile says they are then I will have some serious doubts as to whether I would move forward.

A girl who won't hook up unless exclusive is something I would respect, but I can see why you are turned off.  I don't think I could be exclusive with someone if we didn't hook up before hand.  That's too important to me, but to each their own.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Sub Luna Vitrea on September 15, 2015, 07:32:11 PM
This is a complicated statement, so bear with me, but on the simplest of levels, you are marginalized because you allow yourself to feel marginalized

I can't even.

The comments you are making about me marginalizing you are not new to me. They seem like a combination of the following:
http://www.derailingfordummies.com/derail-using-entitlement/ (section "But I'm Not Like That! Stop Stereotyping!") and
http://www.derailingfordummies.com/derail-using-personal-attacks/ (section "You're As Bad As They Are!")

I have two responses:
http://www.kctv5.com/story/29806858/transgender-woman-killed-after-being-run-over-multiple-times
http://www.thestar.co.uk/news/crime/barnsley-teen-burned-to-death-on-his-18th-birthday-1-5521116

Did Tamara Dominguez (the woman in the first story) allow herself to be marginalized by accepting a ride from the person who went on to murder her? Tell me, who should I get into cars with?

Until things like this start happening to conservatives, you have no right to call yourselves marginalized. Period.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on September 15, 2015, 11:10:59 PM
When I am wondering about something, I usually research it.

 :\

Then perhaps you should research delusions of grandeur and condescension.

Can we just talk about dating? Christ.

almost as relevant as whether Jackie takes it to the next level or not on the next date.  :)   

Totally not as relevant as that.  I am at the edge of my seat waiting for the next update like a reality tv show except actually good and real.  :lol

Yeah, okay.  You're right.  I didn't want to appear over-eager.  :)

 :lol

I will let you guys know tomorrow... or more likely Thursday if all goes well :eyebrows:

I also made another date with the lady for next Sunday. Dinner and a movie- True Romance, which I've never seen.

So if a profile seems inauthentic, is that usually the case? I messaged someone, and got a reply that was longer than her profile. It included all sorts of weird info, including birthday. The first paragraph was kinda broken, but that could be modern autocorrect bs. She didn't answer any of my questions. Let's see what's up...


That is a bit weird. I would proceed with caution. I generally expect somebody to have a decent profile (and to send me a decent message vs. just "sup gurl"). If they don't, it seems like they don't give a shit. Or are a robot or something.

7 dates does seem like a lot especially considering I've traveled to Amsterdam,Frankfurt,and Washington DC within that month, but the girl is awesome and totally worth my time.  I have no problem sacrificing sleep or other activities for someone I really like and enjoy being around.  I am also fairly aggressive about spending time together when getting to know someone, I do not like endless texting, let's get face to face and continue doing that if things are going well.


That's pretty impressive. I will sometimes lose sleep for the sake of good company, but too much of that and s/he will NOT want to be around me  :lol
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Sub Luna Vitrea on September 16, 2015, 04:00:08 AM
Then perhaps you should research delusions of grandeur

I know what that is; do you know what psychological projection is?

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and condescension.

It is very interesting that you are telling me to research condescension, when the only way it was possible for you to say "I was wondering that myself :lol" would be if you were regarding my opinion with condescension. The difference is that for you, it is OK to condescend to me, because you regard yourself as superior, whereas when I condescend to you, that is not OK, because I am getting above myself.

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Can we just talk about dating? Christ.

That's all I was ever trying to do, until you and someone else started asking condescending questions about my politics. You're not going to save yourself from getting called out on your bullshit by just now suddenly trying to act as if I am the one who hijacked this conversation. If you just wanted to talk about dating, you should have limited your own comments to dating. But you didn't; you wanted to dismiss and laugh about my politics (because my political ideology is about as funny as that really funny joke you told several months ago, when you posted a picture of a cat coming out of your pants immediately after I had posted a picture showing that I was a trans woman who still could not pass well), and now that you are being made uncomfortable by the fact that I actually know what I am talking about, you are trying to play as if you just wanted to talk about dating all along.

http://www.derailingfordummies.com/derail-using-intellectualism/

Your sneering opinion of things you know nothing about is perfectly acceptable to you, because the conclusion that you are superior has already been drawn: not just by you but by society itself. But when I react in a way that puts myself on the same level as you, demanding that you look into the things you are treating as ridiculous just like anyone else should have to, you view that as condescension, because I am lowering you from the position that you regard yourself as entitled to.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: sylvan on September 16, 2015, 06:53:05 AM
We get it. Dating, and social life in general, are very different for very different individuals. But, it's nothing new. Forget identifiaction labels, cuz we're all different regardless. If you feel marginalized, that sucks. But, I can't imagine that some people talking about dating on a music forum are interested in perpetuating this nonsense. Not that this discussion is so off topic, but it certainly is not productive. Guess what? Everyone is marginalized and pigeon holed by someone else, daily. Maybe you can find a link on your favorite derailing website about some methodology that I'm using to marginalize you.

Yeah cram, 7 in a month is pretty quick. But I don't mean too quick. You both must be into it.

Jackie's gonna get some  :hat

I got another date setup for Friday. I started talking to her on Monday, and we've messaged a bunch. Super cool, we've got some overlapping interests, but she's 24, and I'm 31. I've been seeing younger women, but not 24. I don't think the age difference is a problem, but I'm hoping there's not a generational gap. But, she seems mature and I "identify" as younger than 31. We're gonna try and do some sort of game night somewhere, like trivia or cards against humanity. And then maybe a daytime hike with another on Saturday. Which would make 4 dates with 3 different women in a week. It's weird, as I had not been on a date until 4 months ago. Makes me think my 20s could have been different, but you can't go back, ya know.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Sub Luna Vitrea on September 16, 2015, 07:08:13 AM
We get it.

Clearly you don't. The fact that you don't get it is the most glaringly obvious thing going on. If you got it, you would not spend the rest of your post trying to deny it.

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If you feel marginalized, that sucks.

I think that is about the most backhanded expression of false empathy that anyone can possibly make. I am not sure that a more viciously ironic statement exists in the entire English language.

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But, I can't imagine that some people talking about dating on a music forum are interested in perpetuating this nonsense.

Whether you can imagine it or not, and regardless of whether you want to do it, you are perpetuating it right now. There is no more perfect demonstrator of your privilege and my marginalization than the derisiveness with which you treat my marginalization, your own role in it, and the website I am using to explain to you what you are doing.

Simply by continuing to argue this with me, you are straying far away from the topic of dating into the topic that I did not bring up: the validity of my political values. So it's clear you are not just interested in talking about dating; you are interested in deriding me and my ideology. The topic of the thread is leverage that you are using to further push me down, and ignores the fact that I am not the person who took the thread off topic to begin with.

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Not that this discussion is so off topic, but it certainly is not productive. Guess what? Everyone is marginalized and pigeon holed by someone else, daily. Maybe you can find a link on your favorite derailing website about some methodology that I'm using to marginalize you.

Yes, in fact, they came immediately to mind.

http://www.derailingfordummies.com/derail-using-emotion/ (everything on this page)
http://www.derailingfordummies.com/derail-using-intellectualism/ (Section "Youíre Interrogating From The Wrong Perspective")
http://www.derailingfordummies.com/derail-using-entitlement/ (Section "But That Happens To Me Too!")
http://www.derailingfordummies.com/derail-using-personal-attacks/ (Section "You Just Enjoy Being Offended")
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on September 16, 2015, 07:26:12 AM
7 dates does seem like a lot especially considering I've traveled to Amsterdam,Frankfurt,and Washington DC within that month, but the girl is awesome and totally worth my time.  I have no problem sacrificing sleep or other activities for someone I really like and enjoy being around.  I am also fairly aggressive about spending time together when getting to know someone, I do not like endless texting, let's get face to face and continue doing that if things are going well.

As for online profiles, I put little stock into them once I start talking to someone.  Im not going to reach out to someone who doesn't have an interesting profile, but you have to realize that in a way it's like a resume. Not detailing your history, but giving a brief overview of yourself and sort of an advertisement for yourself.  It's not going to encompass everything.  Now if I met someone and realized they aren't at all who their profile says they are then I will have some serious doubts as to whether I would move forward.

A girl who won't hook up unless exclusive is something I would respect, but I can see why you are turned off.  I don't think I could be exclusive with someone if we didn't hook up before hand.  That's too important to me, but to each their own.

I think the problem for me with online profiles is twofold:  one, they aren't usually a deep reflection of the person, they are a want ad, and two (and related) they are static, not dynamic.   None of the things we're talking about, including politics, are one-dimensional.  I love a woman who is open and enthusiastic about sex, but not when we're at the dinner table with my parents, you know?  So as far as snapshots go, they are a moment in time, but...

I know for me, and I've said this before, I just talk to people.   At the first conversation, it's an open book.  Black, white, young old, tall, short, hot, not, just engage.  What's the worst that happens?  She tells you to fuck off, and you're no worse than when you started.  Middle of the road, you have a new friend.   Best case, you're knocking boots by sunrise.    I'm fascinated by people, and I've found that every person - EVERY person - has a story.  Some are sad, some are fun, some are boring, some are fascinating, but you don't know unless you play.   I feel like we (and I speak of myself here as well) make our own ruts.   Have you ever just walked into a strange restaurant to have dinner as opposed to going to the "corner deli" for the 100th time?  Ever just start talking to the person looking at the CDs at Walmart?   Ever just go to a concert by yourself?   Nothing happened, because I was already involved (though not yet engaged), but I went to see Extreme on a lark at the local casino, ended up moving down to better seats, started talking to two girls there, one bolted to try to get backstage (???) and I ended up chatting with the other; we both talked about our partners at length, yet at the end of the show, she clearly invited me to the bar in the casino for a drink.  I don't know what - if anything - would have happened, but it's a start. 

This is going to sound weird, but I also don't take anything at face value, at least at first blush.   Not suggesting this is the case, but using the "I don't suck face unless I'm in a committed relationship" as example, that could be said for many reasons, and only one is that it is a hard and fast rule.  I AM IN NO WAY SAYING "NO MEANS YES" OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.  I act on it as if it was true, but everything takes verification on the ground.  Especially as one gets a little more world weary (read into that what you will) I find that people want to FEEL respected more than just about anything, and part of that is that their partner is putting in the effort.  My experience on Match in particular is that most of the profiles talk about "committed relationships", "no more games", "looking for nice guy", yadda yadda yadda, but the reality is far more complicated than that. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: sylvan on September 16, 2015, 07:38:47 AM
I know for me, and I've said this before, I just talk to people.   At the first conversation, it's an open book.  Black, white, young old, tall, short, hot, not, just engage.  What's the worst that happens?  She tells you to fuck off, and you're no worse than when you started.  Middle of the road, you have a new friend.   Best case, you're knocking boots by sunrise.    I'm fascinated by people, and I've found that every person - EVERY person - has a story.  Some are sad, some are fun, some are boring, some are fascinating, but you don't know unless you play.   I feel like we (and I speak of myself here as well) make our own ruts.   Have you ever just walked into a strange restaurant to have dinner as opposed to going to the "corner deli" for the 100th time?  Ever just start talking to the person looking at the CDs at Walmart?   Ever just go to a concert by yourself?   Nothing happened, because I was already involved (though not yet engaged), but I went to see Extreme on a lark at the local casino, ended up moving down to better seats, started talking to two girls there, one bolted to try to get backstage (???) and I ended up chatting with the other; we both talked about our partners at length, yet at the end of the show, she clearly invited me to the bar in the casino for a drink.  I don't know what - if anything - would have happened, but it's a start. 

I think this is something we're all told at some point, especially if we can't figure it out for ourselves, for whatever reason. But, all the details matter. Do you think your interaction at the concert would have been different if you were single? Maybe your mentaliity would have been different if you weren't already in a comfortable relationship.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on September 16, 2015, 07:39:19 AM
I know for me, and I've said this before, I just talk to people.   At the first conversation, it's an open book.  Black, white, young old, tall, short, hot, not, just engage.  What's the worst that happens?  She tells you to fuck off, and you're no worse than when you started.  Middle of the road, you have a new friend.   Best case, you're knocking boots by sunrise.    I'm fascinated by people, and I've found that every person - EVERY person - has a story.  Some are sad, some are fun, some are boring, some are fascinating, but you don't know unless you play.   I feel like we (and I speak of myself here as well) make our own ruts.   Have you ever just walked into a strange restaurant to have dinner as opposed to going to the "corner deli" for the 100th time?  Ever just start talking to the person looking at the CDs at Walmart?   Ever just go to a concert by yourself?   

yes to all those, and good points.  I lived most of my life never stepping outside my comfort shell and it wasn't until I broke out of it that I started feeling like I was living my life.  However, I have yet to meet an awesome girl this way.  I still find it very difficult to just start talking to a female without a few drinks in me to take the edge off, as sad as that sounds. 


My experience on Match in particular is that most of the profiles talk about "committed relationships", "no more games", "looking for nice guy", yadda yadda yadda, but the reality is far more complicated than that.

Totally.  Never used match, but okcupid it's in almost every females profile and I think it's BS for many of them as I've met plenty who are just interested in sex yet said they want something real or whatever. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on September 16, 2015, 07:56:00 AM
This is a complicated statement, so bear with me, but on the simplest of levels, you are marginalized because you allow yourself to feel marginalized

I can't even.

The comments you are making about me marginalizing you are not new to me. They seem like a combination of the following:
http://www.derailingfordummies.com/derail-using-entitlement/ (section "But I'm Not Like That! Stop Stereotyping!") and
http://www.derailingfordummies.com/derail-using-personal-attacks/ (section "You're As Bad As They Are!")

I have two responses:
http://www.kctv5.com/story/29806858/transgender-woman-killed-after-being-run-over-multiple-times
http://www.thestar.co.uk/news/crime/barnsley-teen-burned-to-death-on-his-18th-birthday-1-5521116

Did Tamara Dominguez (the woman in the first story) allow herself to be marginalized by accepting a ride from the person who went on to murder her? Tell me, who should I get into cars with?

Until things like this start happening to conservatives, you have no right to call yourselves marginalized. Period.

Look, not that I care much about whether others are bored (they can skip the posts just as easily as read them), but here's the one point I'll leave you with:

Life experiences happen to PEOPLE, not "liberals" or "conservatives".  Marginalization happens to PEOPLE, not "liberals" or "conservatives".  The genome doesn't say "whoa, we're going to be liberal when we grow up, so let's be GAY!"  It doesn't work that way.  My father - handicapped for most of his life, and conservative - didn't get to opt out when he was told at job interviews "yeah, well, we were looking for someone a little more... healthier".   

I don't need quotes and articles and cites to know how I feel.  I refuse to let someone else determine how or what I feel.  That doesn't mean I fight them, it doesn't mean I only date people that "make me feel safe", it doesn't mean I ignore them, it doesn't mean I don't compromise, but I take ownership for what happens to me, good and bad. 

I've not been condescending to you, I've been nothing but respectful.   That I didn't buy into your philosophy or tell you what you want to hear doesn't mean it's disrespectful.  I wish you nothing but the best, I really do.   But here's the thing:  you've been nothing BUT disrespectful to me, to my way of thinking and to the ideals I hold true, but rather than feel "marginalized" at your blanket rejection of anything that doesn't agree with your way of thinking, I accept it for what it is, another human being with thoughts and feelings (go figure).  Perhaps next time you might want to think about that when you're doing your own marginalizing. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on September 16, 2015, 08:01:19 AM
I know for me, and I've said this before, I just talk to people.   At the first conversation, it's an open book.  Black, white, young old, tall, short, hot, not, just engage.  What's the worst that happens?  She tells you to fuck off, and you're no worse than when you started.  Middle of the road, you have a new friend.   Best case, you're knocking boots by sunrise.    I'm fascinated by people, and I've found that every person - EVERY person - has a story.  Some are sad, some are fun, some are boring, some are fascinating, but you don't know unless you play.   I feel like we (and I speak of myself here as well) make our own ruts.   Have you ever just walked into a strange restaurant to have dinner as opposed to going to the "corner deli" for the 100th time?  Ever just start talking to the person looking at the CDs at Walmart?   Ever just go to a concert by yourself?   Nothing happened, because I was already involved (though not yet engaged), but I went to see Extreme on a lark at the local casino, ended up moving down to better seats, started talking to two girls there, one bolted to try to get backstage (???) and I ended up chatting with the other; we both talked about our partners at length, yet at the end of the show, she clearly invited me to the bar in the casino for a drink.  I don't know what - if anything - would have happened, but it's a start. 

I think this is something we're all told at some point, especially if we can't figure it out for ourselves, for whatever reason. But, all the details matter. Do you think your interaction at the concert would have been different if you were single? Maybe your mentaliity would have been different if you weren't already in a comfortable relationship.

That's a PHENOMENAL question, and I think about that.  I don't know, to be honest.  If it's different, it's subconscious, but that's not to dismiss the point.  Though I will say this (and again, this isn't anything I've not said here before), immediately after my divorce I would go to my local bar and sit at the end of the bar and do crossword puzzles, and still talk to anyone who came by, and at that point I was painfully single.  But it was a relatively safe environment.   I don't know.  I do know it is a "muscle" though; you force yourself at first, and it becomes easier.  And not to sound fake or calculated, but it becomes easier because it's different people, so you can use the same opening if you need to. :)
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Sub Luna Vitrea on September 16, 2015, 08:11:58 AM
Life experiences happen to PEOPLE, not "liberals" or "conservatives".  Marginalization happens to PEOPLE, not "liberals" or "conservatives".  The genome doesn't say "whoa, we're going to be liberal when we grow up, so let's be GAY!"  It doesn't work that way.  My father - handicapped for most of his life, and conservative - didn't get to opt out when he was told at job interviews "yeah, well, we were looking for someone a little more... healthier".

You see, that's the point I was trying to get at from the beginning. No one is marginalized for being conservative, or for being liberal for that matter. Liberalism and conservatism are political ideologies, and unfortunately we live in a time where people hold their political philosophies so dearly that they believe they are not open to criticism.

I am aware that there are conservatives marginalized for any number of reasons: disability, race, poverty, sexuality, gender identity... to me this is doubly sad. It's sad because they are marginalized, and even more sad because they have bought into the very dynamic that others them, and very often pass that dynamic down to other marginalized people within their same demographic. They deserve compassion like everyone else. Everyone deserves compassion.

But who you date is another story. To me, the political is not a private matter; it is something that affects human beings. I was homeless earlier this year, and it was very difficult for me to find good services where I felt safe that would help me get back on my feet, because I am a trans woman and at the time, I did not pass very well. Private charity did not give a fuck about me. Public charity did not give a fuck about me. People who were straight and not trans had, and continue to have, a much easier time getting back on their feet. While homeless I worked in the Capitol, being paid less than minimum wage under the table by the people who run this country, but was not allowed to wait all night at Union Station before work, even if I bought food or a drink. I was sexually assaulted by a restaurant owner who pretended he was trying to help my situation, inviting me into his home under the pretense that he was going to give me a job and a place to stay. Fairly soon after I started getting things back together, I learned that the Republican Congress had just cut funding for helping homeless LGBT people. Funding that, as far as I could see, was already not nearly enough. This is something very personal to me; it's not Lincoln-Douglas Debate, it's people's lives.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: sylvan on September 16, 2015, 10:35:54 AM
Quote
I think we are Looking for the same things but mine in a man, Just that i am Looking for a nice, Honest, Kind and Caring man, a man that will Love and be with me for the Rest of my Life...I am looking for a man, who has a great desire to create his own family. He should be kind, honest, and sincere. Iím looking for a man who will stay his family on the first place and will do everything for its happiness. He should understand family isnít a game and creation of it is a serious step for both partners. Iím looking for a man whoíll fall in love with me and make me happy. I can promise Iíll do everything for his happiness too,..

Am not looking for someone to date but someone to spend the of my life with,All i need from you is just being sincere to me,make me feel secured,appreciate,love,care and being understanding,All my life has been engolfed with misery and loneliness,i watch my life layed wide spread in front of me and didn't know what to do with it,my life has been so boring and hope with someone who is ready to Love me for who i am now it's gonna change for the best

I had to put this up. Is this for real? Also, keep in mind, this person's pics show a hard 10. Think blonde Dallas Cowboy cheerleader. No man with working eyes would not look twice. It's the combination of that fact, coupled with the broken language and stories of misery and loneliness that seem way off. I initially expressed my thoughts about the authenticity of the profile, and I got a "Have a nice day" reply. I decided to try and get the convo back on track cuz I'm, at best, curious. This person asked what I was looking for, so I asked the same. This is what I got. I feel like one of those people trying to keep it going with the Nigerian scammer.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on September 16, 2015, 10:47:00 AM
Wow, that's an awful lot of "I am looking for a man..."

I will say, I have yet to deal with anyone on okcupid that I had to question if they were real.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Sub Luna Vitrea on September 16, 2015, 10:51:48 AM
I have a date Friday with the college student... going to a vegan restaurant for lunch and coffee :) Actually she may have graduated and hasn't updated her profile, I'm not sure.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on September 16, 2015, 10:53:17 AM
I have a date Friday with the college student... going to a vegan restaurant for lunch and coffee :) Actually she may have graduated and hasn't updated her profile, I'm not sure.

Nice, I guess you will find out soon enough.  Have fun!
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: sylvan on September 16, 2015, 11:15:43 AM
I have a date Friday with the college student... going to a vegan restaurant for lunch and coffee :) Actually she may have graduated and hasn't updated her profile, I'm not sure.

There's a discussion point. Are you also vegan? Or is your diet remotely related to that idea? I think I could never seriously date a vegan or vegetarian. It's polar opposite of my diet, which consists of virtually no vegetables. But, I've gone on a few dates with a girl that has a self-admitted 7 year old's palate. Her favorite meal is hot dogs and mac & cheese, and she doesn't eat an extensive and surprising list of items. Knowing that my diet is what it is, I can't hold that against someone. But I think I'm objectively looking at how this would effect our relationship moving forward.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on September 16, 2015, 11:34:28 AM
I would say I'd struggle to date someone who's diet is opposite of mine vs. someone who's political views are opposite of mine.  One thing I missed about having a girlfriend was always going out to eat sit down dinners.  Now that I am single, I will take a date out but that's not nearly as consistent as when I was with my x and I've also met a few girls who did not enjoy eating out so I'm not crazy about that idea either.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on September 16, 2015, 11:38:47 AM
I like eating out, but I can't stand the cost. I'm getting cheap with my old age. Victoria and I went out last Friday. Pizza, an appetizer, and beers cost $70 before tip. Fucking craft beer bullshit. I hate it. I HATE IT!!
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on September 16, 2015, 11:40:39 AM

I am aware that there are conservatives marginalized for any number of reasons: disability, race, poverty, sexuality, gender identity... to me this is doubly sad. It's sad because they are marginalized, and even more sad because they have bought into the very dynamic that others them, and very often pass that dynamic down to other marginalized people within their same demographic. They deserve compassion like everyone else. Everyone deserves compassion.

Of course they do.  But there you go again:  there is nothing about "conservative" that inherently marginalizes anyone.  My dad didn't "buy into" anything.  He wasn't "marginalized", because he didn't let himself be marginalized.   Certainly, there are assholes who do marginalize, and some of them are in the conservative ideology, but just as many are in the liberal ideology. 

Quote
But who you date is another story. To me, the political is not a private matter; it is something that affects human beings. I was homeless earlier this year, and it was very difficult for me to find good services where I felt safe that would help me get back on my feet, because I am a trans woman and at the time, I did not pass very well. Private charity did not give a fuck about me. Public charity did not give a fuck about me. People who were straight and not trans had, and continue to have, a much easier time getting back on their feet. While homeless I worked in the Capitol, being paid less than minimum wage under the table by the people who run this country, but was not allowed to wait all night at Union Station before work, even if I bought food or a drink. I was sexually assaulted by a restaurant owner who pretended he was trying to help my situation, inviting me into his home under the pretense that he was going to give me a job and a place to stay. Fairly soon after I started getting things back together, I learned that the Republican Congress had just cut funding for helping homeless LGBT people. Funding that, as far as I could see, was already not nearly enough. This is something very personal to me; it's not Lincoln-Douglas Debate, it's people's lives.

Okay, and with my deepest (and sincere) respect for your circumstances, I can't respond to this without it truly devolving into a political debate, without even the slightest nod to dating.  Suffice to say, identifying the problem is three quarters of the battle of finding a solution, and if you misidentify the problem you'll likely fail to get a good solution.   The Republicans are not your problem. 

I hope you find someone that respects you as a person.  Everything else, in my limited experience, is gravy on the plate, and every person deserves at least that much.  Good luck to you.  Sincerely.   
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on September 16, 2015, 11:42:24 AM
I like eating out, but I can't stand the cost. I'm getting cheap with my old age. Victoria and I went out last Friday. Pizza, an appetizer, and beers cost $70 before tip. Fucking craft beer bullshit. I hate it. I HATE IT!!

So true, one of the reasons also why I had less money when I was with my x than I do now.  It just really sucked that I went about 2 months without seeing someone so those two months I never went out for a nice meal one on one with a lady, something I very much enjoy.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on September 16, 2015, 11:43:43 AM
I like eating out, but I can't stand the cost. I'm getting cheap with my old age. Victoria and I went out last Friday. Pizza, an appetizer, and beers cost $70 before tip. Fucking craft beer bullshit. I hate it. I HATE IT!!

WORD!   We've taken to making the cooking be part of the 'date night'.  I know that sounds old and fuddy-duddy, but there really isn't an option.  We've got four kids between us (three that live with us) and to take five people out more than once a week is starting to sound like "vacation". 

Thankfully, I like to cook, and the kids like to actually sit and have dinner without TVs and tablets (though we can't quite shake the cellphones) so it works. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on September 16, 2015, 11:46:43 AM
Cooking dates can be really romantic and awesome too.  I had a few of those this year and everyone ended up in my bed.  I can't really speak about the family and children aspects though, so I can only imagine how much more money and less romantic that would be.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Dr. DTVT on September 16, 2015, 11:53:52 AM
my old age. Victoria and I went out last Friday.

If you run for the Senate, I'm telling her to leave you for her safety.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on September 16, 2015, 11:54:40 AM
Victoria and I usually cook dinner together 2-4 nights a week depending on our schedule. I'd so much rather do that.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Sub Luna Vitrea on September 16, 2015, 11:55:57 AM
I have a date Friday with the college student... going to a vegan restaurant for lunch and coffee :) Actually she may have graduated and hasn't updated her profile, I'm not sure.

There's a discussion point. Are you also vegan?

Yes, and I refuse to date people who eat meat for very similar reasons to what I have already discussed at length. If they are a vegetarian then I will go on a date with them, but they would need to become a vegan if they want a relationship.

Actually, ths is a great way of illustrating my point: meat eaters may not hate animals. They may love animals; they may have pets, they may be part of animal protection groups and their whole life could be devoted to helping animals. In fact, every meat eater even is an animal (except the Venus Flytrap and certain bacteria)! But the practical result of what they do is that they exploit and hurt other animals. This is why I can't date them, regardless of where their heart may be.

This is a very common attitude among vegetarians and vegans, by the way, so I wouldn't worry too much about having to decide whether or not to date one.

Okay, and with my deepest (and sincere) respect for your circumstances, I can't respond to this without it truly devolving into a political debate, without even the slightest nod to dating.  Suffice to say, identifying the problem is three quarters of the battle of finding a solution, and if you misidentify the problem you'll likely fail to get a good solution.   The Republicans are not your problem.

I agree, the Republicans are not my whole problem. They are part of my problem. So are the Democrats. So are the Libertarians. So are the Independents. So are the Greens and the Democratic Socialists, for that matter, and so are the Marxist-Leninists and the Trotskyites, but at least their hearts are in the right place.

I believe that anyone who thinks change is possible within the current system is my problem. This is why I could not date a Democrat, either. As I said very early on in this conversation, I consider the Democrats to be centrists, which is just as bad as being a conservative.

With that said, I believe that you are sincere.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: kingshmegland on September 16, 2015, 02:11:01 PM
You're going to run out of date options soon with you having so many check marks on why you cannot date this person or that person.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: jonnybaxy on September 16, 2015, 02:14:27 PM
You're going to run out of date options soon with you having so many check marks on why you cannot date this person or that person.

My screening process is currently

Alive? [Yes/No]

And I'm debating whether I should reduce it a bit
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: kingshmegland on September 16, 2015, 02:15:43 PM
You're going to run out of date options soon with you having so many check marks on why you cannot date this person or that person.

My screening process is currently

Alive? [Yes/No]

You putting so many restrictions on the dating pool like Sub Luna is?
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: jonnybaxy on September 16, 2015, 02:25:44 PM
You're going to run out of date options soon with you having so many check marks on why you cannot date this person or that person.

My screening process is currently

Alive? [Yes/No]

You putting so many restrictions on the dating pool like Sub Luna is?

Fine, no restrictions!

Pure unadulterated necrophilia it is! ;D
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: kingshmegland on September 16, 2015, 02:28:00 PM
 :lol

If it floats your boat!

Never close yourself off because of such minor things like politics.  Get to know someone first.  Why people let their preconceptions rule their world is not the way to live.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on September 16, 2015, 03:43:02 PM
You're going to run out of date options soon with you having so many check marks on why you cannot date this person or that person.

My screening process is currently

Alive? [Yes/No]

And I'm debating whether I should reduce it a bit

Awful narrow; you should have an open mind.   I know a girl if you want her number...
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on September 16, 2015, 03:58:11 PM
:lol

If it floats your boat!

Never close yourself off because of such minor things like politics.  Get to know someone first.  Why people let their preconceptions rule their world is not the way to live.

To each their own, but politics is not an issue for me in a relationship.  I actually gravitate towards people who don't necessarily follow my way of thinking. (I was thisclose to dating someone who is a bigwig in state Democratic politics, except I opted to see what happened with the girl I had just met, who turned out to be my wife).   One, that's a great way of disappearing up your own asshole, and two, we're supposed to be a team, so she fills in where I'm maybe lacking and vice versa, and that includes politics.  I suppose there is probably something that might be lumped into "politics" that might be an issue, but even for the big things:  I'm not an evangelist.  I would never opt for an abortion myself, but I am pro-choice.   That's likely never going to be MY decision, it's hers, and if I'm a man of integrity, I have to live with her choice.   Granted, if she just wanted to sit on the couch and live off welfare, I'd have issue, but it wouldn't be a political one, it would be a lifestyle one. 

I believe in the individual; as long as the person is true to themselves, and doing what they're doing for the right reasons, I'm usually good. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: kingshmegland on September 16, 2015, 06:01:53 PM
Amen.  I wanted a girl who was strong, independent  and her own thinker.  So if her politics is different,  no big deal. 

Almost 21 years later, we are still together.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on September 17, 2015, 12:15:01 AM
:clap:

I will not limit my dating options to certain political views (and have dated some fairly conservative dudes) but there are certain views that are deal breakers for a "serious" relationship. Like, bigoted ones. We can still fuck though. Same goes for religion- I'm not going to turn somebody down because s/he feels differently than I do, but there's also no way in hell I'm going to have a long-term relationship with a born again Christian who's going to try and "save" me.

As for differences in diet, not a problem. I'm not much of a meat eater but I've dated people who are really into it. No big deal. Vegan? Fine (although I think anybody who chooses not to eat cheese is insane), as long as you're not a pompous ass about it. Anybody trying to impose their own beliefs/way of life onto me is not a match.

Speaking of food:

Cooking dates can be really romantic and awesome too.  I had a few of those this year and everyone ended up in my bed.

How... many of you were there?

Anyway, I just got back from my date a little bit ago and it went well. We... messed around. And then I made him listen to a bunch of Steven Wilson while naked :lol
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: kingshmegland on September 17, 2015, 06:39:32 AM
Pictures or it didn't happen Jackie. :lol
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Sub Luna Vitrea on September 17, 2015, 06:43:34 AM
You're going to run out of date options soon with you having so many check marks on why you cannot date this person or that person.

It hasn't been a problem yet; I have more date options than I have ever had in my life. That's why I'm being so selective. If I had a very small number of prospects, I could not afford to be as selective as I am being now... but right now I honestly just have to whittle down the list. It's very hard to filter the people who message me on dating sites, approach me in public, etc.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: kingshmegland on September 17, 2015, 06:51:29 AM
Well that I get but don't limit yourself.  You might want a strong opinionated partner.  That's all!

Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Sub Luna Vitrea on September 17, 2015, 07:14:35 AM
Alright thanks :)

I'm honestly sick of talking about this. I'm really nervous about this date tomorrow... she seems like such a genuinely normal, nice and proper person.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on September 17, 2015, 08:00:31 AM
:clap:

I will not limit my dating options to certain political views (and have dated some fairly conservative dudes) but there are certain views that are deal breakers for a "serious" relationship. Like, bigoted ones. We can still fuck though. Same goes for religion- I'm not going to turn somebody down because s/he feels differently than I do, but there's also no way in hell I'm going to have a long-term relationship with a born again Christian who's going to try and "save" me.

As for differences in diet, not a problem. I'm not much of a meat eater but I've dated people who are really into it. No big deal. Vegan? Fine (although I think anybody who chooses not to eat cheese is insane), as long as you're not a pompous ass about it. Anybody trying to impose their own beliefs/way of life onto me is not a match.

But isn't your last sentence really the important one?   I can date any religion or political bent, but even if it was just the toilet seat position, once my partner starts to disrespect what got us together in the first place, and starts to decide that she knows better what's for me, we're going to have a problem.    I'm not talking about lame-o "disrespect" you hear on TV all the time, I'm talking about real, honest respect, the kind that is earned, not given, and the kind that if real helps smooth over difficult times.   I'm interested in my partner's views, and my partner is an equal one, but I'm not in a relationship to be converted to ANYTHING, be it Christianity, vegan-ism, or group sex.   Okay, maybe group sex.   Probably group sex.   But besides that. 


Quote

Anyway, I just got back from my date a little bit ago and it went well. We... messed around. And then I made him listen to a bunch of Steven Wilson while naked :lol

I'm having trouble forming the visual on that, and frankly, I'm kind of grateful.   :) 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on September 17, 2015, 08:05:01 AM
Alright thanks :)

I'm honestly sick of talking about this. I'm really nervous about this date tomorrow... she seems like such a genuinely normal, nice and proper person.

Then just be the same.   Enjoy the moment, and it'll work out if it's meant to work out.   Good luck!!!
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on September 17, 2015, 08:08:20 AM
Cooking dates can be really romantic and awesome too.  I had a few of those this year and everyone ended up in my bed.

How... many of you were there?

Only two, never had a threesome or anything.  The "everyone" meant every one of those types of dates.

Never close yourself off because of such minor things like politics.  Get to know someone first.  Why people let their preconceptions rule their world is not the way to live.

I pretty much agree with this and one of the reasons why I dislike people who's online profiles list all the things they do not want "Dont message me if you...." I get people don't like certain things, but you are really narrowing the pool of potential partners down and may be missing out on great people that you could probably really enjoy being with even with a flaw or something you dont like.  No one is perfect so everyone is going to have something negative against them anyway.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Sub Luna Vitrea on September 17, 2015, 09:26:07 AM
Alright thanks :)

I'm honestly sick of talking about this. I'm really nervous about this date tomorrow... she seems like such a genuinely normal, nice and proper person.

Then just be the same.   Enjoy the moment, and it'll work out if it's meant to work out.   Good luck!!!

I'm a lot more normal than I used to think I was, I can be nice and will work on proper. I'm not sure when though. Thanks!
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Dr. DTVT on September 17, 2015, 09:38:00 AM
We... messed around. And then I made him listen to a bunch of Steven Wilson while naked :lol

I'm going to look for a job in Denver   :hat
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on September 17, 2015, 11:53:43 PM
 :lol

Come join us on the green side.

:clap:

I will not limit my dating options to certain political views (and have dated some fairly conservative dudes) but there are certain views that are deal breakers for a "serious" relationship. Like, bigoted ones. We can still fuck though. Same goes for religion- I'm not going to turn somebody down because s/he feels differently than I do, but there's also no way in hell I'm going to have a long-term relationship with a born again Christian who's going to try and "save" me.

As for differences in diet, not a problem. I'm not much of a meat eater but I've dated people who are really into it. No big deal. Vegan? Fine (although I think anybody who chooses not to eat cheese is insane), as long as you're not a pompous ass about it. Anybody trying to impose their own beliefs/way of life onto me is not a match.

But isn't your last sentence really the important one?   I can date any religion or political bent, but even if it was just the toilet seat position, once my partner starts to disrespect what got us together in the first place, and starts to decide that she knows better what's for me, we're going to have a problem.    I'm not talking about lame-o "disrespect" you hear on TV all the time, I'm talking about real, honest respect, the kind that is earned, not given, and the kind that if real helps smooth over difficult times.   I'm interested in my partner's views, and my partner is an equal one, but I'm not in a relationship to be converted to ANYTHING, be it Christianity, vegan-ism, or group sex.   Okay, maybe group sex.   Probably group sex.   But besides that. 



 :lol

True that. I was initially nervous about dating a Christian in college and we did argue a bit, but that was even sort of fun. As long as he didn't try to convert me I was okay with it. When things got serious I did start to wonder "Hmm, if we were to settle down, would this be a barrier?" but it never got to that point because I realized at some point I was not into settling down at this juncture.

Anyway, I just got back from my date a little bit ago and it went well. We... messed around. And then I made him listen to a bunch of Steven Wilson while naked :lol

I'm having trouble forming the visual on that, and frankly, I'm kind of grateful.   :)

It was awesome.


Only two, never had a threesome or anything.  The "everyone" meant every one of those types of dates.


I sort of realized that's what you probably meant as I was typing that reply, but I figured it would still be funny  :P

So this guy is sometimes bad about getting back to me via text. Not the end of the world, but it would be nice to know he at least got the message. We sent "thank you for a good time" texts to each other this morning and then I tried to start the conversation about when to meet up next (we're both super busy and if I don't plan shit my week will fill up) but he never replied. *shrug*... it will happen eventually.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on September 18, 2015, 06:57:01 AM
Well you already know he is bad at responding so I guess just give him time.

I wont lie, I am so damn impatient.  I start to get annoyed when I don't get a response, specifically when it's something more important.  Although if you get to know someone and know they don't respond timely then you can kind of accept it.

I wouldn't say I have a dilemna, but I am kind of nervous.  The girl I've been seeing is coming to my BBQ on Saturday.  I invited her because she knew I was having it and I didn't want to make her feel unwanted since I actually do like her and I know she would have fun, but I did not want to have to deal with introducing her specifically to my family, but also to all my friends at once.  My parents even told me previously that if a girl I was seeing was going to be there that they would want to know (my parents are very nosy).  Essentially I just don't really want to deal with any awkwardness that may occur although everything could be completely fine and more than likely will be.  I just don't want to ruin things I guess and I feel like this is an opportunity for that to happen even if that's not my intentions at all.  I think I am just going to have to consume more alcohol.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on September 18, 2015, 07:03:11 AM
I just don't want to ruin things I guess and I feel like this is an opportunity for that to happen even if that's not my intentions at all.  I think I am just going to have to consume more alcohol.

Wow, if that isn't a self-fulfilling prophecy, I couldn't name one.  :)

It'll be awkward if you make it awkward.   Quick introduction, "Mom, Pop, this is Jane" and be done with it.  When in any doubt, say "Ooops, have to check on the grill; don't want to burn the chicken!"   Does she expect to be treated like the girlfriend at this shindig, or is she coming as a new friend with potential?
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on September 18, 2015, 07:46:01 AM
I just don't want to ruin things I guess and I feel like this is an opportunity for that to happen even if that's not my intentions at all.  I think I am just going to have to consume more alcohol.

Wow, if that isn't a self-fulfilling prophecy, I couldn't name one.  :)

It'll be awkward if you make it awkward.   Quick introduction, "Mom, Pop, this is Jane" and be done with it.  When in any doubt, say "Ooops, have to check on the grill; don't want to burn the chicken!"   Does she expect to be treated like the girlfriend at this shindig, or is she coming as a new friend with potential?

Yea, totally a self fulfilling prophecy and I need to not make that happen.  I think you just don't understand my mother... it's never so easy as basic introductions.  My mother will ask very detailed and personal questions.  That's just the way she is, which is why I never introduce a female to her until we are in a more comfortable position.  I guess with more people, over 20 have said they are coming, it makes it easier to just blend in and not get stuck talking to my mother.  But none of my friends know her either, she is going to stand out essentially and I definitely have to be running the grill as well as mingle with everyone as the host so I can;t be by her side or anything, she is definitely outgoing so I think she will be fine in that regards... I would just cringe if I was grilling and then saw her speaking to my mom.  The fact that I do not know if she wants to be a girlfriend or not and that we have not had a conversation about "us" makes me wonder if that will play a factor.  I think not though, I already plan on introducing her as my friend, not anything more to avoid my moms questions, but I think she would agree about that anyway. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Sub Luna Vitrea on September 18, 2015, 08:36:48 AM
I am not sure when the last time I went on a proper date was. I think it must have been 2013. I sort of had a date in July of this year, but considering we had already planned to spend the weekend together right after the date, it was more like a "Let's make sure we feel safe before having furious sex all weekend" type thing.

The last time I was on a date with a woman was even longer ago. Actually, I do not know if I have ever been on a proper date with a woman. I'm really not the dating or relationship type of person, and not sure why I'm even trying to do this. Most of the times I have had sex, I had just met the guy at a bar, and sometimes we didn't even leave the bar to have sex. Sorry if that's too much information... just saying, I'm clueless about what to do.

And I know this is going to sound like a really clichť joke, but who's supposed to pay? I honestly don't even know.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on September 18, 2015, 09:01:25 AM
Just try to be yourself and have fun, go with the flow.  I think you should offer to pay and split the bill.  I personally like to pay for the woman, but really appreciate when the woman offers to pay.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Chino on September 18, 2015, 09:28:36 AM
I am not sure when the last time I went on a proper date was. I think it must have been 2013. I sort of had a date in July of this year, but considering we had already planned to spend the weekend together right after the date, it was more like a "Let's make sure we feel safe before having furious sex all weekend" type thing.

The last time I was on a date with a woman was even longer ago. Actually, I do not know if I have ever been on a proper date with a woman. I'm really not the dating or relationship type of person, and not sure why I'm even trying to do this. Most of the times I have had sex, I had just met the guy at a bar, and sometimes we didn't even leave the bar to have sex. Sorry if that's too much information... just saying, I'm clueless about what to do.

And I know this is going to sound like a really clichť joke, but who's supposed to pay? I honestly don't even know.

My girlfriend (our two year anniversary is next week) paid on our first date. She excused herself to go to the bathroom and she slipped our waitress her credit card on the way. I didn't expect that. I was happy and gladly excepted as our we had already scheduled date #2 for the following night at a much more expensive place  :lol
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on September 18, 2015, 10:48:42 AM
I am not sure when the last time I went on a proper date was. I think it must have been 2013. I sort of had a date in July of this year, but considering we had already planned to spend the weekend together right after the date, it was more like a "Let's make sure we feel safe before having furious sex all weekend" type thing.

The last time I was on a date with a woman was even longer ago. Actually, I do not know if I have ever been on a proper date with a woman. I'm really not the dating or relationship type of person, and not sure why I'm even trying to do this. Most of the times I have had sex, I had just met the guy at a bar, and sometimes we didn't even leave the bar to have sex. Sorry if that's too much information... just saying, I'm clueless about what to do.

And I know this is going to sound like a really clichť joke, but who's supposed to pay? I honestly don't even know.

My girlfriend (our two year anniversary is next week) paid on our first date. She excused herself to go to the bathroom and she slipped our waitress her credit card on the way. I didn't expect that. I was happy and gladly excepted as our we had already scheduled date #2 for the following night at a much more expensive place  :lol

Notwithstanding Chino's story (which is excellent, by the way) etiquette is the asker pays for the first date.   Absent that, it's less clear, but I would offer to pay the tab or at least offer to split (though I personally would offer to pay the whole thing and have the conversation about it).  The worst thing you can do is a) leave the table after the meal to go to the bathroom unless you're planning awesome like Chino's date, and b) argue over the check.   If you offer to pay half and they insist on paying the whole thing, let them.  If you at least offer to pay half and the other person is arguing the other way, they are a tool and you want nothing to do with them.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on September 18, 2015, 12:31:04 PM
It never ends well if the guy doesn't want to pay his half.  I've heard storys from enough women to know that is usually where things end and it makes sense, no one wants to be with someone who can't even take care of themselves.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Sub Luna Vitrea on September 18, 2015, 01:27:19 PM
I ended up paying and she left the tip. She had insisted on paying, but I just figured that being 7 years older than her and knowing so much more about the world, I should probably pay, because even if I'm more broke, I shouldn't be.

It was a great opportunity to talk to her about the things I was passionate about... she had a lot of questions about me, seemed to find me very interesting, and I was happy to indulge her... it always helps when both people are trans, because the conversation manages to go beyond questions like "WTF is a trans?"

That said, I am pretty convinced now that I do not like girls.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on September 18, 2015, 01:36:31 PM
That said, I am pretty convinced now that I do not like girls.

Well, that's the point of dating, to figure out what you like (and hopefully have fun in the process).
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Sub Luna Vitrea on September 18, 2015, 03:39:25 PM
Funny thing is I was supposed to have figured this out a long time ago... every once in a while, though, I have to ask myself again, "Do I like girls?"
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: sylvan on September 19, 2015, 12:20:11 AM
I just had a first date with someone cool. Good chemistry, good conversation, overlapping similarities. I didnt necessrily expect it to go so smoothly, but the age/generation gap wasnt there. It was interesting because she's a therapist, and I'm a very open person that's very curious about people in general, so our conversation was very open. I felt like she was as, or more, interested in me than anyone else I've been out with recently. I can talk a lot, which she noticed but didn't mind. I think she was happy to sit with someone that could talk. It felt like an easy four hours. I said I had a great time, but didn't say anything about doing it again. It just feels hollow to me lately, like a stock thing I should say, she says sure that's sounds fun, but then who really knows what's gonna happen. But I do, I think we will, and I'm sure gonna try.

And here's where things could get tricky. I'm scheduling a third date with someone else, something active like hiking or the beach. I like this person, and I have no idea what's gonna happen with girl2. I don't wanna keep anybody "on the hook", but I don't think it's at that point. I guess I just need to let things play out. If I keep seeing both, I imagine I'll lean one way.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on September 19, 2015, 01:44:57 AM
Yeah, don't worry about that right now- those things tend to work themselves out. Yay for a good date  :D

I'm considering temporarily deactivating my OKC account. It's just getting annoying, all the messages. I guess I could just ignore them all, but I'm not sure I'd be able to.

On a different note, earlier I was thinking about a conversation I had with that dude on our date Wednesday. We were talking about relationships and why we both like not being really deep/serious with one person. We were talking about jealousy and he said he doesn't really experience it because the way he sees it, he can't offer a girl everything. He's not into sports or the oudoors, so if she has somebody else to do that stuff with, awesome. I agree. If a guy I'm seeing also likes girls who are super girly or who smoke a lot of pot or like to go fishing, let him date another girl who's into those things- I'm not going to pretend to be.
I also mentioned the burdens of putting all your eggs in one basket with relationships, and why I don't like it. I don't like that type of responsibility being put on me, and I don't like who I am when I'm putting it on somebody else. He said that when he's with one person he becomes "a bottomless pit... and not in the good way"  :lol
And I totally get that. The guy I was dating up until June, he felt like a bottomless pit. He relied on me for his happiness, and I was not comfortable with that. He would even say things like "I feel so much better about myself because of you," and I really didn't like that. Really that's just saying "I have shitty self-esteem, but because you're into me I feel better about myself... and you need to keep making me feel that way."  :|

So the point is, I like where I'm at right now. I date a few people, I don't see any of them too often, and I get lots of Jackietime. I don't want to be too serious with anybody, I don't want to see anybody daily or live with them or any of that stuff. I just wanna do me and I want them to do them, and when we hang out it's awesome, then we both go back to our lives. When I start to get too invested in one person I don't really like the person I become. Not to mention what happened the last time I REALLY threw myself into one person (who ended up being engaged but didn't tell me and was a total fucked up manipulator and, later, meth addict).
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Sub Luna Vitrea on September 19, 2015, 02:32:48 AM
I'm considering temporarily deactivating my OKC account. It's just getting annoying, all the messages. I guess I could just ignore them all, but I'm not sure I'd be able to.

I've been feeling similarly. Not sure it's worth wading through all that for the occasional OK date. Better to just go out into the world and meet people.

Dating feels so unnatural, so artificial, so pretentious. It feels like an imitation of The Spectacle (https://www.marxists.org/reference/archive/debord/society.htm)... and that sort of thing really bothers me when I feel like I'm playing into it.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on September 19, 2015, 07:27:33 AM
Women really do have a completely different experience with OKC.

Bottomline, you do you and you shouldn't let another person change that, good for you for sticking to that and being open about it.

It felt like an easy four hours.

Just like a great epic song feels shorter in time, a great date feels so quick and easy when its over.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Dr. DTVT on September 19, 2015, 09:32:54 AM
Two thoughts on two different things on this page:

1) The guy should offer to pay first in a hetero date.  If the person who has been offered to pay for (the woman in my example) isn't interested in a second date, they should offer to pay their half (we can't be meal tickets).  However, offering to split shouldn't necessarily mean "I'm not interested in another date", and whether to split or let the other pay really depends on the total situation.

2) Ladies - since you get so much crap from douchebags on dating sites, I would suggest you message a guy that catches your interest first.  It allows you to filter the sea for what you are looking for, and you will likely get a response because we don't get the booty call requests (at least I don't) and other crap messages.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: jonnybaxy on September 19, 2015, 10:12:52 AM
Yeah to point 2 ^

I'm just sick of chasing women round, because (I dunno it's because of all the douches they get messages from or that they aren't interested) there's never a reply or if there is just awful vague replies with no emotion, I'm just sick of it.

Yeah it would seem that women have a completely different experience, it's a catch 22 situation, Women rarely approach first as they get approached and guys don't get approached so they approach  :lol
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on September 20, 2015, 09:45:27 AM
My bbq was so much fun and just really made me feel like this girl is special.  She came in and just mixed right in with my friends and family.  We had a blast and I couldn't spend so much time with her in the beginning but as it got later and people started to leave we got to enjoy each other's company.  I feel so good about her and where this is leading. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on September 20, 2015, 10:24:35 AM
 :D
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Cedar redaC on September 20, 2015, 03:21:03 PM
A few weeks ago, I talked about a girl that I had gone on a couple of dates with. Well, I went to a dance last Friday and she was there. We danced a few times and while there aren't any major developments from last time, I still feel really good about it.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Sub Luna Vitrea on September 20, 2015, 03:32:40 PM
An online friend offered to buy me a ticket to Florida with the intent of having a fun little vacation. I would like to go to Florida, especially over the Winter...
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Lynxo on September 21, 2015, 03:17:04 AM
I find that whole conversation about paying for meals on dates fascinating. I guess there's a huge different in cultures in the US and Sweden? I would never in a million years pay for the whole meal with someone on the first dates. Off course we'll split it! I'm not even going to suggest otherwise and if she so much as suggested I should pay for it just because I'm the guy, she's probably a douche.

Off course, this doesn't apply if for example it was her birthday or some kind of occasion, that goes without saying. But if it's a regular meal with two, grown-up human beings, living in an equal society it's a no brainer for me - we split the tab.



As for staying on topic: I've been single now for a little over six months now after a two year relationsship. The breakup turned out to really devastate me, so I've been really avoiding meeting new people. But I feel now it's time so I've begun to talk to a few different people on dating sites, so we'll see how that goes. I almost feel like I've forgotten how to be flirty. :lol
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on September 21, 2015, 07:16:38 AM
My bbq was so much fun and just really made me feel like this girl is special.  She came in and just mixed right in with my friends and family.  We had a blast and I couldn't spend so much time with her in the beginning but as it got later and people started to leave we got to enjoy each other's company.  I feel so good about her and where this is leading.

You tied up mom in the closet, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU???
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on September 21, 2015, 07:19:54 AM
An online friend offered to buy me a ticket to Florida with the intent of having a fun little vacation. I would like to go to Florida, especially over the Winter...

I'm not your Dad, and it's not my business, but ... be careful.   Please.   That to me would sound too good to be true, and there are far too many examples of things that sound too good to be true usually turning out that way.   
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on September 21, 2015, 07:29:12 AM
On a different note, earlier I was thinking about a conversation I had with that dude on our date Wednesday. We were talking about relationships and why we both like not being really deep/serious with one person. We were talking about jealousy and he said he doesn't really experience it because the way he sees it, he can't offer a girl everything. He's not into sports or the oudoors, so if she has somebody else to do that stuff with, awesome. I agree. If a guy I'm seeing also likes girls who are super girly or who smoke a lot of pot or like to go fishing, let him date another girl who's into those things- I'm not going to pretend to be.
I also mentioned the burdens of putting all your eggs in one basket with relationships, and why I don't like it. I don't like that type of responsibility being put on me, and I don't like who I am when I'm putting it on somebody else. He said that when he's with one person he becomes "a bottomless pit... and not in the good way"  :lol


Legit question:  is there a middle ground to that?   I mean, I totally understand that you can't really get all things from one person, and I have my things that are "mine".  I don't really need my girl to like all the music I do, since a lot of it I like to listen to alone in the car.  I don't need her to be into PlayStation, since that is part of how I decompress.   Likewise, there are things she does that I'm not interested in, and which I know I can't bring any enthusiasm or insight to.   But the notion of "being better with someone" doesn't have to mean "being reliant" on someone.  And I think (I've not thought about it consciously) I've used that as the sort of dividing line between people who are not for me, and someone who is.  I want a partnership, I want monogamy, but I don't feel like  "bottomless pit" with my wife.  I'm "better" with her but for positive reasons, not needy ones.  I get happiness from her, but I don't get MY happiness from her, if you get my distinction.   Isn't, perhaps, that the trick to finding the right person?
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: bout to crash on September 21, 2015, 08:43:39 AM
Yeah, I agree on one hand but I also just don't personally want to be monogamous, so it's not quite the same. I can also be "better with" three people instead of one :P
And of course there is a middle ground, I'm just saying I've been in too many situations where it didn't work out that way. Like the one guy who would tell me I made him feel so much better about himself. This guy has shit self-esteem, and he was definitely basing his self-worth on the fact that he was in a relationship, which is highly problematic to me. Having a girlfriend doesn't make your problems go away, and if that's the only thing you're basing your happiness on, things aren't going to end too well. I'm not saying monogamy in general makes one a bottomless pit, but maybe certain people/personalities have the tendency to get that way when they put all their eggs in one basket. Or maybe certain people are okay with that kind of arrangement (lots of creepy codependent relationships out there, I think we can all agree). I'm just not.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: cramx3 on September 21, 2015, 09:20:41 AM
My bbq was so much fun and just really made me feel like this girl is special.  She came in and just mixed right in with my friends and family.  We had a blast and I couldn't spend so much time with her in the beginning but as it got later and people started to leave we got to enjoy each other's company.  I feel so good about her and where this is leading.

You tied up mom in the closet, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU???

lol either I was too drunk to notice or my mom was on very good behavior.

An online friend offered to buy me a ticket to Florida with the intent of having a fun little vacation. I would like to go to Florida, especially over the Winter...

I'm not your Dad, and it's not my business, but ... be careful.   Please.   That to me would sound too good to be true, and there are far too many examples of things that sound too good to be true usually turning out that way.   

Im with Stadler here, just be careful if you have never met this person.  I've done weekend trips with people I've met online and I thought that was borderline too far for someone I hardly knew, that was a bit of "living on the edge" as I felt, but my risk taking is not terribly high.  I would be scared to fly somewhere to meet someone for the first time, but you didn't specify if it was a first time meet up, just online friend so maybe its all good.
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: Stadler on September 21, 2015, 10:49:37 AM
Yeah, I agree on one hand but I also just don't personally want to be monogamous, so it's not quite the same. I can also be "better with" three people instead of one :P
And of course there is a middle ground, I'm just saying I've been in too many situations where it didn't work out that way. Like the one guy who would tell me I made him feel so much better about himself. This guy has shit self-esteem, and he was definitely basing his self-worth on the fact that he was in a relationship, which is highly problematic to me. Having a girlfriend doesn't make your problems go away, and if that's the only thing you're basing your happiness on, things aren't going to end too well. I'm not saying monogamy in general makes one a bottomless pit, but maybe certain people/personalities have the tendency to get that way when they put all their eggs in one basket. Or maybe certain people are okay with that kind of arrangement (lots of creepy codependent relationships out there, I think we can all agree). I'm just not.

I'm sorry; I didn't mean to imply that "monogamy" was the be all and end all.  That's just what I was looking for at this time.  Obviously, unless my math skills are off, if monogamy is not your thing (and no judgment if it isn't), one partner isn't going to cut it.  :) 

I was going more towards the "esteem" side of things.  I think we're not far apart in our thinking: I tend to think there are a LOT of needy people out there, and I know for me, while I'm compassionate, I'm not really here to be the basket for someone else to hold their problems in.  I was just trying to ask about whether you thought it was possible to walk that line between "being better with a partner" (good, in my opinion) and "relying on your partner for your self-worth and happiness" (bad, in my opinion).  It sounded a little like you might have thought it was a slippery slope and wasn't that realistic to think that. 
Title: Re: Lonely Hearts Club Thread v. The Strong Grip
Post by: TioJorge on September 21, 2015, 11:53:52 AM
One of my AA friends put it in a really obscure yet oh so appropriate way that I've seen so many of my past friends exhibit (and some women...but mostly men who love to be down on themselves): "That girl and relationship is not your higher power, don't treat it or her as such." It seemed a blown out of proportion comment to me at first but when I really thought about it...some guys totally do that. Like Jackie said, if a person has low enough self-esteem, that whole BS of "you make me feel so much better about myself" isn't actually about the other person in the relationship, it's about Mr. I'm-So-Down-On-Me and the fact that he (again, or she) feels better because he thinks that he's now somehow better because of the relationship itself (or going further for some friends I used to have, because they feel more manly/confident/egotistical simply because of the fact that a girl is into them...not because of the girl herself...because of the existence of a relationship at all).

Just my own personal experiences so no one take this to heart, please. But I can definitely see how that'd be problematic, and from what I've seen, it almost always is. As they say, you gotta do it for yourself (whatever it is...getting better from health issues, self-esteem issues, any issue at all, really) and not for what the other person wants from or for you and certainly not because the relationship makes you feel like you have a purpose. As a teen I never got this concept and thought "Well, if the relationship makes me feel better about myself, so what"? Well...the so what is that...it's hollow and meaningless. If a relationship is your sustenence for your own self worth...something is fucking wrong. Some deeper issue that should be resolved through personal introspection and not inside of her pussy.

Sorry...totally went off on a tangent there. I've been dealing with some seriously skewed people recently on top of making some big changes in my life. Now that I'm doing shit for me, it's tough for me to not get holier-than-thou sometimes and I need to remind myself that I was once there. It's just tough when you're talking to a guy that's 10 years older than myself and he's dealing with issues I dealt with when I was in highschool... Eh. To each their own. Life experiences happen at a different point for us all but it's extra annoying when said life experiences usually happen around the formative years, not a mid-life-crisis.  :lol I'm absolutely ecstatic to be single right now and to be able to concentrate solely on myself and my own issues, which are as vast as the god damn universe, and that is infinitely more difficult to deal with when a relationship gets between all of that (rather for me, it's impossible, in every sense of the word). It's nice to read people's experiences with others and that some of the guys I'm sponsoring are having very similar issues. I've always told anyone that is having any kind of crisis and they're casually dating...focus on yourself before you even attempt an actual relationship